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in appreciation 



iJott)(?am Qiumni (Jbv>ettising Cfub 



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View V)otA Citf) 



(?pti( 30, 1968 



FINNEGANS WAKE 



by the same writer 

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man 
Collected Poems 
Duhliners 
Ulysses 
Exiles 

The Portable James Joyce 

EDITED BY HARRY LEVIN 

Letters of James Joyce 

EDITED BY STUART GILBERT 



FINNEGANS 
WAKE 



James Joyce 



New ^rk: The Viking Press 



COPYRIGHT 1939 BY JAMES JOYCE 

FIRST PUBLISHED IN 1939 BY 
THE VIKING PRESS, INC, 

FOURTH PRINTING 1945 
INCLUDING AS AN APPENDIX A LIST OF CORRECTIONS PREPARED 
BY THE AUTHOR AFTER PUBLICATION OF THE FIRST EDITION 

EIGHTH PRINTING 1958 
WITH THE author's CORRECTIONS INCORPORATED IN THE TEXT 

TWELFTH PRINTING OCTOBER 1966 



LITHOGRAPHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BY THE MURRAY PRINTING CO, 

DISTRIBUTED IN CANADA BY 
THE MACMILLAN COMPANY OF CANADA LIMITED 



FINNEGANS WAKE 



I 



5 i.^'^' 



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riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend 
of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to 
Howth Castle and Environs. 

Sir Tristram, violer d'amores, fr'over the short sea, had passen- 
core rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy 
isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor 
had topsawyer's rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated themselse 
to Laurens County's gorgios while they went doublin their mumper 
all the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe to 
tauftauf thuartpeatrick: not yet, though venissoon after, had a 
kidscad buttended a bland old isaac: not yet, though all's fair in 
vanessy, were sosie sesthers wroth with twone nathandjoe. Rot a 
peck of pa's malt had Jhem or Shen brewed by arclight and rory 
end to the regginbrow was to be seen ringsome on the aquaface. 

The fall (bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntqnner- 
ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur- 
nuk!) of a once wallstrait oldparr is retaled early in bed and later 
on life down through all christian minstrelsy. The great fall of the 
offwall entailed at such short notice the pftjschute of Finnegan, 
erse solid man, that the humptyhillhead of humself prumptly sends 
an unquiring one well to the west in quest of his tumptytumtoes: 
and their upturapikepointandplace is at the knock out in the park 
where oranges have been laid to rust upon the green since dev- 
linsfirst loved livvy. 



What clashes here of wills gen wonts, oystrygods gaggin fishy- 
gods! Brekkek Kekkek Kekkek Kekkek! Koax Koax Koax! Ualu 
Ualu Ualu! Quaouauh! Where the Baddelaries partisans are still 
out to mathmaster Malachus Micgranes and the Verdons cata- 
pelting the camibalistics out of the Whoyteboyce of Hoodie 
Head. Assiegates and boomeringstroms. Sod's brood, be me fear! 
Sanglorians, save! Arms apeal with larms, appalling. Killykill- 
killy: a toll, a toll. What chance cuddleys, what cashels aired 
and ventilated! What bidimetoloves sinduced by what tegotetab- 
solvers! What true feeling for their's hayair with what strawng 
voice of false jiccup! O here here how both sprowled met the 
duskt the father of fornicationists but, (O my shining stars and 
body!) how hath fanespanned most high heaven the skysign of 
soft advertisement! But was iz? Iseut? Ere were sewers.^ The oaks 
of aid now they lie in peat yet elms leap where askes lay. Phall if 
you but will, rise you must: and none so soon either shall the 
pharce for the nunce come to a setdown secular phoenish. 

Bygmester Finnegan, of the Stuttering Hand, freemen's mau- 
rer, lived in the broadest way immarginable in his rushlit toofar- 
back for messuages before joshuan judges had given us numbers 
or Helviticus committed deuteronomy (one yeastyday he sternely 
struxk his tete in a tub for to watsch the future of his fates but ere 
he swiftly stook it out again, by the might of moses, the very wat- 
er was eviparated and all the guenneses had met their exodus so 
that ought to show you what a pentschanjeuchy chap he was!) 
and during mighty odd years this man of hod, cement and edi- 
fices in Toper's Thorp piled buildung supra buildung pon the 
banks for the livers by the Soangso. He addle liddle phifie Annie 
ugged the little craythur. Wither hayre in bonds tuck up your part 
inher. Oftwhile balbulous, mithre ahead, with goodly trowel in 
grasp and ivoroiled overalls which he habitacularly fondseed, like 
Haroun Childeric Eggeberth he would caligulate by multiplicab- 
les the alltitude and malltitude until he seesaw by neatlight of the 
liquor wheretwin 'twas born, his roundhead staple of other days 
to rise in undress maisonry upstanded (joygrantit!), a waalworth 7^*14 
of a skyerscape of most eyeful hoyth entowerly, erigenating from 

4 



I 



next to nothing and celescalating the himals and all, hierarchite(> o UJtlk^ 
titiptitoploftical, with a burning bush abob off its baubletop and 
with larrons o'toolers clittering up and tombles a'buckets clotter- 
ing down. 

Of the first was he to bare arms and a name: Wassaily Boos- 
laeugh of Riesengeborg. His crest of huroldry, in vert with 
ancillars, troublant, argent, a hegoak, poursuivant, horrid, horned. 
His scutschum fessed, with archers strung, helio, of the second. 
Hootch is for husbandman handling his hoe. Hohohoho, Mister 
Finn, you're going to be Mister Finnagain! Comeday morm and, 
O, you're vine! Sendday's eve and, ah, you're vinegar! Hahahaha, 
Mister Funn, you're going to be fined again! 

What then agentlike brought about that tragoady thundersday 
this municipal sin business.'^ Our cubehonse still rocks as earwitness 
to the thunder of his arafatas but we hear also through successive 
agesjthat shebby choruysh of unkalified muzzlenimiissilebims that 
would blackguardise the whitestone ever hurtleturtled out of 
heaven. Stay us wherefore in our search for tighteousness, O Sus- 
tainer, what time we rise and when we take up to toothmick and 
before we lump down upown our leatherbed and in the night and 
at the fading of the stars ! For a nod to the nabir is better than wink 
to the wabsanti. Otherways wesways like that provost scoffing 
bedoueen the jebel and the jpysian sea. Cropherb the crunch- 
bracken shall decide. Then we'll know if the feast is a flyday. She 
has a gift of seek on site and she allcasually ansars helpers, the 
dreamydeary. Heed ! Heed ! It may half been a missfired brick, as 
some say, or it mought have been due to a collupsus of his back 
promises, as others looked at it. (There extand by now one thou- 
sand and one stories, all told, of the same). But so sore did abe 
ite ivvy's holired abbles, (what with the wallhall's horrors of rolls- 
rights, carhacks, stonengens, kisstvanes, tramtrees, fargobawlers, 
autokinotons, hippohobbilies, streetfleets, tournintaxes, mega- 
phoggs, circuses and wardsmoats and basilikerks and aeropagods 
and the hoyse and the jollybrool and the peeler in the coat and 
the mecklenburk bitch bite at his ear and the merlinburrow bur- 
rocks and his fore old porecourts, the bore the more, and his 

5 



blightblack workingstacks at twelvepins a dozen and the noobi- 
busses sleighding along Safetyfirst Street and the derryjellybies 
snooping around Tell-No-Tailors' Corner and the fumes and the 
hopes and the strupithump of his ville's indigenous romekeepers, 
homesweepers, domecreepers, thurum and thurum in fancymud 
murumd and all the uproor from all the aufroofs, a roof for may 
and a reef for hugh butt under his bridge suits tony) wan warn- 
ing Phill filt tippling full. His howd feeled heavy, his hoddit did 
shake. (There was a wall of course in erection) Dimb! He stot- 
tered from the latter. Damb! he was dud. Dumb! Mastabatoom, 
mastabadtomm, when a mon merries his lute is all long. For 
whole the world to see. 

Shize.^ I should shee! Macool, Macool, orra whyi deed ye diie.^ 
of a trying thirstay mournin.^ Sobs they sighdid at Fillagain's 
chrissormiss wake, all the hoolivans of the nation, prostrated in 
their consternation and their duodisimally profusive plethora of 
ululation. There was plumbs and grumes and cherifFs and citherers 
and raiders and cinemen too. And the all gianed in with the shout- 
most shoviality. Agog and magog and the round of them agrog. 
To the continuation of that celebration until Hanandhunigan's 
extermination! Some in kinkin corass, more, kankan keening. 
Belling him up and filling him down. He's stiff but he's steady is 
Priam Olim ! 'Twas he was the dacent gaylabouring youth. Sharpen 
his pillowscone, tap up his bier! E'erawhere in this whorl would ye 
hear sich a din again.'* With their deepbrow fundigs and the dusty 
fidelios. They laid him brawdawn alanglast bed. With a bockalips 
of finisky fore his feet. And a barrowload of guenesis hoer his head. 
Tee the tootal of the fluid hang the twoddle of the fuddled, O ! 

Hurrah, there is but young gleve for the owl globe wheels in 
view which is tautaulogically the same thing. Well, Him a being 
so on the flounder of his bulk like an overgrown babeling, let wee 
peep, see, at Hom, well, see peegee ought he ought, platterplate. w 
Hum! From Shopalist to Bailywick or from ashtun to baronoath 
or from Buythebanks to Roundthehead or from the foot of the 
bill to ireglint's eye he calmly extensolies. And all the way (a 
horn!) from fjord to fjell his baywinds' oboboes shall wail him 

6 



rockbound (hoahoahoah !) in swimswamswum and all the livvy- 
long night, the delldale dalppling night, the night of bluerybells, 
her flittaflute in tricky trochees (O carina! O carina!) wake him. 
With her issavan essavans and her patter jackmar tins about all 
them inns and ouses. Tilling a teel of a tum, telling a toll of a tea- 
ry turty Taubling. Grace before Glutton. For what we are, gifs 
a gross if we are, about to believe. So pool the begg and pass the 
kish for crawsake. Omen. So sigh us. Grampupus is fallen down 
but grinny sprids the boord. Whase on the joint of a desh.^ Fin- 
foefom the Fush. Whase be his baken head.^ A loaf of Singpan- 
try's Kennedy bread. And whase hitched to the hop in his tayle.^ 
A glass of Danu U'Dunnell's foamous olde Dobbelin ayle. But, 
lo, as you would quaffoff his fraudstuff and sink teeth through 
that pyth of a flowerwhite bodey behold of him as behemoth for 
he is noewhemoe. Finiche ! Only a fadograph of a yestern scene. 
Almost rubicund Salmosalar, ancient fromout the ages of the Ag- 
apemonides, he is smolten in our mist, woebecanned and packt 
away. So that meal's dead off for summan, schlook, schlice and 
goodridhirring. 

Yet may we not see still the brontoichthyan form^outlined a- 
slumbered, even in our own nighttime by the sedge of the trout- 
ling stream that Bronto loved and Brunto has a lean on. Hie cuhat 
edilis. Apud libertinam parvulam, Whatif she be in flags or flitters, 
reekierags or sundyechosies, with a mint of mines or beggar a 
pinnyweight. Arrah, sure, we all love little Anny Ruiny, or, we 
mean to say, lovelittle Anna Rayiny, when unda her brella, mid 
piddle med puddle, she ninnygoes nannygoes nancing by. Yoh! 
Brontolone slaaps, yoh snoores. Upon Benn Heather, in Seeple 
Isout too. The cranic head on him, caster of his reasons, peer yu- 
thner in yondmist. Whooth.'^ His clay feet, swarded in verdigrass, 
stick up starck where he last fellonem, by the mund of the maga- 
zine wall, where our maggy seen all, with her sisterin shawl. 
While over against this belles' alliance beyind 111 Sixty, ollol- 
lowed ill! bagsides of the fort, bom, tarabom, tarabom, lurk the 
ombushes, the site of the lyffing-in-wait of the upjock and hock- 
ums. Hence when the clouds roll by, jamey, a proudseye view is 

7 



enjoyable of our mounding's mass, now Wallinstone national 
museum, with, in some greenish distance, the charmful water- 
loose country and the two quitewhite villagettes who hear show 
of themselves so gigglesomes minxt the follyages, the prettilees! 
Penetrators are permitted into the museomound free. Welsh and 
the Paddy Patkinses, one shelenk! Redismembers invalids of old 
guard find poussepousse pousseypram to sate the sort of their butt. 
For her passkey supply to the janitrix, the mistress Kathe. Tip. 

This the way to the museyroom. Mind your hats goan in! 
Now yiz are in the Willingdone Museyroom. This is a Prooshi- 
ous gunn. This is a ffrinch. Tip. This is the flag of the Prooshi- 
ous, the Cap and Soracer. This is the bullet that byng the flag of 
the Prooshious. This is the ffrinch that fire on the Bull that bang 
the flag of the Prooshious. Saloos the Crossgunn! Up with your 
pike and fork! Tip. (Bullsfoot! Fine!) This is the triplewon hat of 
Lipoleum. Tip. Lipoleumhat. This is the Willingdone on his 
same white harse, the Cokenhape. This is the big Sraughter Wil- 
lingdone, grand and magentic in his goldtin spurs and his ironed 
dux and his quarterbrass woodyshoes and his magnate's gharters 
and his bangkok's best and goliar's goloshes and his pullupon- 
easyan wartrews. This is his big wide harse. Tip. This is the three 
lipoleum boyne grouching down in the living detch. This is an 
inimyskilling inglis, this is a scotcher grey, this is a davy, stoop- 
ing. This is the bog lipoleum mordering the lipoleum beg. A 
Gallawghurs argaumunt. This is the petty lipoleum boy that 
was nayther bag nor bug. Assaye, assaye! Touchole Fitz Tuo- 
mush. Dirty MacDyke. And Hairy O'Hurry. All of them 
arminus-varminus. This is Delian alps. This is Mont Tivel, 
this is Mont Tipsey, this is the Grand Mons Injun. This is the 
crimealine of the alps hooping to sheltershock the three lipoleums. 
This is the jinnies with their legahorns feinting to read in their 
handmade's book of stralegy while making their war undisides 
the Willingdone. The jinnies is a cooin her hand and the jinnies is 
a ravin her hair and the Willingdone git the band up. This is big 
Willingdone mormorial tallowscoop Wounderworker obscides 
on the flanks of the jinnies. Sexcaliber hrosspower. Tip. This 

8 



is me Belchum sneaking his phillippy out of his most Awful 
Grimmest Sunshat Cromwelly. Looted. This is the jinnies' hast- 
ings dispatch for to irrigate the Willingdone. Dispatch in thin 
red lines cross the shortfront of me Belchum. Yaw, yaw, yaw! 
Leaper Orthor. Fear siecken! Fieldgaze thy tiny frow. Hugact- 
ing. Nap. That was the tictacs of the jinnies for to fontannoy the 
Willingdone. Shee, shee, shee! The jinnies is jillous agincourting 
all the lipoleums. And the lipoleums is gonn boycottoncrezy onto 
the one Willingdone. And the Willingdone git the band up. This 
is bode Belchum, bonnet to busby, breaking his secred word with a 
ball up his ear to the Willingdone. This is the Willingdone's hur- 
old dispitchback. Dispitch desployed on the regions rare of me 
Belchum. Salamangra! Ayi, ayi, ayi! Cherry jinnies. Figtreeyou! 
Damn fairy ann, Voutre. Willingdone. That was the first joke of 
Willingdone, tic for tac. Hee, hee, hee! This is me Belchum in 
his twelvemile cowchooks, weet, tweet and stampforth foremost, 
footing the camp for the jinnies. Drink a sip, drankasup, for he's 
as sooner buy a guinness than he'd stale store stout. This is Roo- 
shious balls. This is a ttrinch. This is mistletropes. This is Canon 
Futter with the popynose. After his hundred days' indulgence. 
This is the blessed. Tarra's widdars ! This is jinnies in the bonny 
bawn blooches. This is lipoleums in the rowdy howses. This is the 
Willingdone, by the splinters of Cork, order fire. Tonnerre! 
(Bullsear! Play!) This is camelry, this is floodens, this is the 
solphereens in action, this is their mobbily, this is panickburns. 
Almeidagad! Arthiz too loose! This is Willingdone cry. Brum! 
Brum! Cumbrum! This is jinnies cry. Underwetter! Goat 
strip Finnlambs! This is jinnies rinning away to their ouster- 
lists dowan a bunkersheels. With a nip nippy nip and a trip trip- 
py trip so airy. For their heart's right there. Tip. This is me Bel- 
chum's tinkyou tankyou silvoor plate for citchin the crapes in 
the cool of his canister. Poor the pay! This is the bissmark of the 
marathon merry of the jinnies they left behind them. This is the 
Willingdone branlish his same marmorial tallowscoop Sophy- 
Key-Po for his royal divorsion on the rinnaway jinnies. Gam- 
bariste della porca! Dalaveras fimmieras! This is the pettiest 

9 



of the lipoleums, Toffeethief, that spy on the Willingdone from 
his big white harse, the Capeinhope. Stonewall Willingdone 
is an old maxy montrumeny. Lipoleums is nice hung bushel- 
lors. This is hiena hinnessy laughing alout at the Willing- 
done. This is lipsyg dooley krieging the funk from the hinnessy. 
This is the hinndoo Shimar Shin between the dooley boy and the 
hinnessy. Tip. This is the wixy old Willingdone picket up the 
half of the threefoiled hat of lipoleums fromoud of the bluddle 
filth. This is the hinndoo waxing ranjymad for a bombshoob. 
This is the Willingdone hanking the half of the hat of lipoleums 
up the tail on the buckside of his big white harse. Tip. That was 
the last joke of Willingdone. Hit, hit, hit! This is the same white 
harse of the Willingdone, Culpenhelp, waggling his tailoscrupp 
with the half of a hat of lipoleums to insoult on the hinndoo see- 
boy. Hney, hney, hney! (Bullsrag! Foul!) This is the seeboy, 
madrashattaras, upjump anH pumpim, cry to the Willingdone: 
Ap Pukkaru! Pukka Yurap! This is the Willingdone, bornstable 
ghentleman, tinders his maxbotch to the cursigan Shimar Shin. 
Basucker youstead ! This is the dooforhim seeboy blow the whole 
of the half of the hat of lipoleums off of the top of the tail on the 
back of his big wide harse. Tip (Bullseye! Game!) How Copen- 
hagen ended. This way the museyroom. Mind your boots goan 
out. 
Phew! 

What a warm time we were in there but how keling is here the 
airabouts ! We nowhere she lives but you mussna tell annaone for 
the lamp of Jig-a-Lanthern! It's a candlelittle houthse of a month 
and one windies. Downadown, High Downadown. And num- 
mered quaintlymine. And such reasonable weather too! The wa- 
grant wind's awalt'zaround the piltdowns and on every blasted 
knollyrock (if you can spot fifty I spy four more) there's that 
gnarlybird ygathering, a runalitde, doalittle, preealittle, pouralittle, 
wipealittle, kicksalittle, severalittle,eatalittle, whinealittle, kenalittle, 
helfalittle,pelfalittle gnarlybird. A very tableland of bleakbardfields ! 
Under his seven wrothschields lies one, Lumproar. His glav toside 
him. Skud ontorsed. Our pigeons pair are flewn for northcliffs. 



I 



The three of crows have flapped it southenly, kraaking of de 
baccle to the kvarters of that sky whence triboos answer; Wail, 
'tis well! She niver comes out when Thon's on shower or when 
Thon's flash with his Nixy girls or when Thon's blowing toom- 
cracks down the gaels of Thon. No nubo no! Neblas on you liv! 
Her would be too moochy afreet. Of Burymeleg and Bindme- 
rollingeyes and all the deed in the woe. Fe fo fom ! She jist does 
hopes till byes will be byes. Here, and it goes on to appear now, 
she comes, a peacefugle, a parody's bird, a peri potmother, 
a pringlpik in the ilandiskippy, with peewee and powwows in 
beggybaggy on her bickybacky and a flick flask fleckflinging 
its pixylighting pacts' huemeramybows, picking here, pecking 
there, pussypussy plunderpussy. But it's the armitides toonigh, 
militopucos, and toomourn we wish for a muddy kissmans to the 
minutia workers and there's to be a gorgeups truce for happinest 
childher everwere. Come nebo me and suso sing the day we 
sallybright. She's burrowed the coacher's headlight the better to 
pry (who goes cute goes siocur and shoos aroun) and all spoiled 
goods go into her nabsack: curtrages and rattlin buttins, nappy 
spattees and flasks of all nations, clavicures and scampulars, maps, 
keys and woodpiles of haypennies and moonled brooches with 
bloodstaned breeks in em, boaston nightgarters and masses of 
shoesets and nickelly nacks and foder allmicheal and a lugly parson 
of cates and howitzer muchears and midgers and maggets, ills and 
ells with lofls of tofls and pleures of bells and the last sigh that 
come fro the hart (bucklied!) and the fairest sin the sunsaw 
(that's cearc!). "With Kiss. Kiss Criss. Cross Criss. Kiss Cross. 
Undo lives 'end. Slain. 

How bootifuU and how truetowife of her, when strengly fore- 
bidden, to steal our historic presents from the past postpropheti- 
cals so as to will make us all lordy heirs and ladymaidesses of a 
pretty nice kettle of fruit. She is livving in our midst of debt and 
laffing through all plores for us (her birth is uncontrollable), with 
a naperon for her mask and her sabboes kickin arias (so sair! so 
solly!) if yous ask me and 1 saack you. Hou! Hou! Gricks may 
rise and Troysirs fall (there being two sights for ever a picture) 



for in the byways of high improvidence that's what makes life- 
work leaving and the world's a cell for citters to cit in. Let young 
wimman run away with the story and let young min talk smooth 
behind the butteler's back. She knows her knight's duty while 
Luntum sleeps. Did ye save any tin.'^ says he. Did I what.'^ with 
a grin says she. And we all like a marriedann because she is mer- 
cenary. Though the length of the land lies under liquidation 
(floote!) and there's nare a hairbrow nor an eyebush on this glau- 
brous phace of Herrschuft Whatarwelter she'll loan a vesta and 
hire some peat and sarch the shores her cockles to heat and she'll 
do all a turfwoman can to piff the business on. Paff. To puff the 
blaziness on. Poffpoff. And even if Humpty shell fall frumpty 
times as awkward again in the beardsboosoloom of all our grand 
remonstrancers there'll be iggs for the brekkers come to mourn- 
him, sunny side up with care. So true is it that therewhere's a 
turnover the tay is wet too and when you think you ketch sight 
of a hind make sure but you're cocked by a hin. 

Then as she is on her behaviourite job of quainance bandy, 
fruting for firstlings and taking her tithe, we may take our review 
of the two mounds to see nothing of the himples here as at else- 
where, by sixes and sevens, like so many heegills and coUines, 
sitton aroont, scentbreeched and somepotreek, in their swisha- 
wish satins and their taffetaffe tights, playing Wharton's Folly, 
at a treepurty on the planko in the purk. Stand up, mickos! 
Make strake for minnas! By order, Nicholas Proud. We may see 
and hear nothing if we choose of the shortlegged bergins off 
Corkhill or the bergamoors of Arbourhill or the bergagambols 
of Summerhill or the bergincellies of Miseryhill or the country- 
bossed bergones of Constitutionhill though every crowd has its 
several tones and every trade has its clever mechanics and each 
harmonical has a point of its own, Olaf's on the rise and Ivor's 
on the lift and Sitric's place's between them. But all they are all 
there scraping along to sneeze out a likelihood that will solve 
and salve life's robulous rebus, hopping round his middle like 
kippers on a griddle, O, as he lays dormont from the macroborg 
of Holdhard to the microbirg of Pied de Poudre. Behove this 

12 



sound of Irish sense. Really? Here English might be seen. 
Royally? One sovereign punned to petery pence. Regally? The 
silence speaks the scene. Fake! 

So This Is Dyoublong? 

Hush! Caution! Echoland! 

How charmingly exquisite! It reminds you of the outwashed 
engravure that we used to be blurring on the blotchwall of his 
innkempt house. Used they? (I am sure that tiring chabelshovel- 
ler with the mujikal chocolat box, Miry Mitchel, is listening) I 
say, the remains of the outworn gravemure where used to be 
blurried the Ptollmens of the Incabus. Used we? (He is only pre- 
tendant to be stugging at the jubalee harp from a second existed 
lishener, Fiery Farrelly.) It is well known. Lokk for himself and 
see the old butte new. Dbln. W. K. O. O. Hear? By the mauso- 
lime wall. Fimfim fimfim. With a grand funferall. Fumfum fum- 
fum. 'Tis optophone which ontophanes. List! Wheatstong^ 
magic Iyer. They will be tuggling foriver. They will be lichening 
for allof. They will be pretumbling forover. The harpsdischord 
shall be theirs for ollaves. 

Four things therefore, saith our herodotary Mammon Lujius 
in his grand old historiorum, wrote near Boriorum, bluest book 
in baile's annals, f.t. in Dyfflinarsky ne'er sail fail til heathersmoke 
and cloudweed Eire's ile sail pall. And here now they are, the fear 
of um. T. Totities ! Unum. (Adar.) A bulbenboss surmounted up- 
on an alderman. Ay, ay! Duum. (Nizam.) A shoe on a puir old 
wobban. Ah, ho! Triom. (Tamuz.) An auburn mayde, o'brine 
a'bride, to be desarted. Adear, adear! Quodlihus, (Marchessvan.) A 
penn no weightier nor a polepost. And so. And all. (Succoth.) 

So, how idlers' wind turning pages on pages, as innocens with 
anaclete play popeye antipop, the leaves of the living in the boke 
of the deeds, annals of themselves timing the cycles of events 
grand and national, bring fassilwise to pass how. 

1 132 A.D. Men like to ants or emmets wondern upon a groot 
hwide Whallfisk which lay in a Runnel. Blubby wares upat Ub- 
lanium. 

566 A.D. On Baalfire's night of this year after deluge a crone that 

13 



hadde a wickered Kish for to hale dead turves from the bog look- 
it under the blay of her Kish as she ran for to sothisfeige her cow- 
rieosity and be me sawl but she found hersell sackvulle of swart 
goody quickenshoon and small illigant brogues, so rich in sweat. 
Blurry works at Hurdlesford. 

(Silent.) 

566 A.D. At this time it out that a brazenlockt damsel grieved 
{sobralasolas/) because that Puppette her minion was ravisht of her 
by the ogre Puropeus Pious. Bloody wars in Ballyaughacleeagh- 
bally. 

1 132 A.D. Two sons at an hour were born until a goodman 
and his hag. These sons called themselves Caddy and Primas. 
Primas was a santryman and drilled all decent people. Caddy 
went to Winehouse and wrote o peace a farce. Blotty words for 
Dublin. 

Somewhere, parently, in the ginnandgo gap between antedilu- 
vious and annadominant the copyist must have fled with his 
scroll. The billy flood rose or an elk charged him or the sultrup 
worldwright from the excelsissimost empyrean (bolt, in sum) 
carthspake or the Dannamen gallous banged pan the bliddy du- 
ran. A scribicide then and there is led off under old's code with 
some fine covered by six marks or ninepins in metalmen for the 
sake of his labour's dross while it will be only now and again in 
our rear of o'er era, as an upshoot of military and civil engage- 
ments, that a gynecure was let on to the scuffold for taking that 
same fine sum covertly by meddlement with the drawers of his 
neighbour's safe. 

Now after all that farfatch'd and peragrine or dingnant or clere 
lift we our ears, eyes of the darkness, from the tome of Liber Li- 
vidus and, (toh!), how paisibly eirenical, all dimmering dunes 
and gloamering glades, selfstretches afore us our fredeland's plain! 
Lean neath stone pine the pastor lies with his crook; young pric- 
ket by pricket's sister nibbleth on returned viridities; amaid her 
rocking grasses the herb trinity shams lowliness; skyup is of ever- 
grey. Thus, too, for donkey's years. Since the bouts of Hebear 
and Hairyman the cornflowers have been staying at Ballymun, 

M 



the duskrose has choosed out Goatstown*s hedges, twolips have 
pressed togatherthem by sweet Rush, townland of twinedlights, 
the whitethorn and the redthorn have fairygeyed the mayvalleys 
of Knockmaroon, and, though for rings round them, during a 
chiliad of perihelygangs, the Formoreans have brittled the too- 
ath of the Danes and the Oxman has been pestered by the Fire- 
bugs and the Joynts have thrown up jerrybuilding to the Kevan- 
ses and Litde on the Green is childsfather to the City (Year! 
Year! And laughtears!), these paxsealing buttonholes have quad- 
rilled across the centuries and whiff now whafft to us, fresh and 
made-of-all-smiles as, on the eve of Killallwho. 

The babbelers with their thangas vain have been (confusium 
hold them!) they were and went; thigging thugs were and hou- 
hnhymn songtoms were and comely norgels were and poUyfool 
fiansees. Menn have thawed, clerks have surssurhummed , the 
blond has sought of the brune: Elsekiss thou may, mean Kerry 
piggy?; and the duncledames have countered with the hellish fel- 
lows: Who ails tongue coddeau, aspace of dumbillsilly? And they 
fell upong one another: and themselves they have fallen. And 
still nowanights and by nights of yore do all bold floras of the 
field to their shyfaun lovers say only: Cull me ere I wilt to thee!: 
and, but a little later: Pluck me whilst I blush! Well may they 
wilt, marry, and profusedly blush, be troth! For that saying is as 
old as the howitts. Lave a whale a while in a whillbarrow (isn't 
it the truath Fm tallin ye?) to have fins and flippers that shimmy 
and shake. Tim Timmycan timped hir, tampting Tam. Fleppety! 
Flippety! Fleapow! 

Hop! 

In the name of Anem this carl on the kopje in pelted thongs a 
parth a lone who the joebiggar be he? Forshapen his pigmaid 
hoagshead, shroonk his plodsfoot. He hath locktoes, this short- 
shins, and, Obeold that's pectoral, his mammamuscles most 
mousterious. It is slaking nuncheon out of some thing's brain 
pan. Me seemeth a dragon man. He is almonthst on the kiep 
fief by here, is Comestipple Sacksoun, be it junipery or febrew- 
ery, marracks or alebrill or the ramping riots of pouriose and 

15 



froriose. What a quhare soort of a mahan. It is evident the mich- 
indaddy. Lets we overstep his fire defences and these kraals of 
slitsucked marrogbones. (Cave!) He can prapsposterus the pil- 
lory way to Hirculos pillar. Come on, fool porterfull, hosiered 
women blown monk sewer? Scuse us, chorley guy! You toller- 
day donsk? N. You tolkatiff scowegian? Nn. You spigotty an- 
glease? Nnn. You phonio saxo? Nnnn. Clear all so! 'Tis a Jute. 
Let us swop hats and excheck a few strong verbs weak oach ea- 
ther yapyazzard abast the blooty creeks. 

Jute. — Yutah! 

Mutt. — Mukk's pleasurad. 

Jute. — Are you jeff? 

Mutt. — Somehards. 

Jute. — But you are not jefFmute.^ 

Mutt. — Noho. Only an utterer. 

Jute. — Whoa.'^ Whoat is the mutter with you.'^ 

Mutt. — I became a stun a stummer. 

Jute. — What a hauhauhauhaudibble thing, to be cause! How, 
Mutt.^ 

Mutt. — Aput the buttle, surd. 
Jute. — Whose poddle.'^ Wherein.'^ 

Mutt. — The Inns of Dungtarf where Used awe to be he. 
Jute. — You that side your voise are almost inedible to me. 

Become a bitskin more wiseable, as if I were 

you. 

Mutt. — Has? Has at? Hasatency? Urp, Boohooru! Booru 
Usurp! I trumple from rath in mine mines when I 
rimimirim! 

Jute. — One eyegonblack. Bisons is bisons. Let me fore all 
your hasitancy cross your qualm with trink gilt. Here 
have sylvan coyne, a piece of oak. Ghinees hies good 
for you. 

Mutt. — Louee, louee! How wooden I not know it, the intel- 
lible greytcloak of Cedric Silkyshag! Cead mealy 
faulty rices for one dabblin bar. Old grilsy growlsy! 
He was poached on in that eggtentical spot. Here 



1^ 



where the liveries, Monomark. There where the mis- 

sers moony, Minnikin passe. 
Jute. — Simply because as Taciturn pretells, our wrongstory- 

shortener, he dumptied the wholeborrow of rubba- 

ges on to soil here. 
Mutt. — Just how a puddinstone inat the brookcells by a 

riverpool. 

Jute. — Load Allmarshy ! Wid wad for a norse like? 

Mutt. — Somular with a bull on a clompturf. Rooks roarum 
rex roome ! I could snore to him of the spumy horn, 
with his woolseley side in, by the neck I am sutton 
on, did Brian d' of Linn. 

Jute. — Boildoyle and rawhoney on me when I can beuraly 
forsstand a weird from sturk to finnic in such a pat- 
what as your rutterdamrotter. Onheard of and um- 
scene! Gut aftermeal! See you doomed. 

Mutt. — Quite agreem. Bussave a sec. Walk a dun blink 
roundward this albutisle and you skull see how olde 
ye plaine oF my Liters, hunfree and ours, where wone 
to wail whimbrel to peewee o'er the saltings, where 
wilby citie by law of isthmon, where by a droit of 
signory, icefloe was from his Inn the Byggning to 
whose Finishthere Punct. Let erehim ruhmuhrmuhr. 
Mearmerge two races, swete and brack. Morthering 
rue. Hither, craching eastuards, they are in surgence: 
hence, cool at ebb, they requiesce. Countlessness of -^^ 
livestories have netherfallen by this plage, flick as 
flowflakes, litters from aloft, like a waast wizzard all of 
whirlworlds. Now are all tombed to the mound, isges 
to isges, erde from erde. Pride, O pride, thy prize! 

Jute. — 'Stench! 

Mutt. — Fiatfuit! Hereinunder lyethey. Llarge by the smal an' 
everynight life olso th'estrange, babylone the great- 
grandhotelled with tit tit tittlehouse, alp on earwig, 
drukn on ild, likeas equal to anequal in this sound 
seemetery which iz leebez luv. 



Jute. — 'Zmorde! 

Mutt. — Meldundleize! By the fearse wave behoughted. Des- 
pond's sung. And thanacestross mound have swollup 
them all. This ourth of years is not save brickdust 
and being humus the same roturns. He who runes 
may rede it on all fours. O'c'stle, nVc*stle, tr'c'stle, 
crumbling! Sell me sooth the fare for Humblin! Hum- 
blady Fair. But speak it allsosifdy, moulder! Be in 
your whisht! 

Jute. — Whysht.^^ 

Mutt. — The gyant Forficules with Amni the fay. 
Jute. — Howe.'^ 

Mutt. — Here is viceking's graab. 
Jute. — Hwaad ! 

Mutt. — Ore you astoneaged, jute you.'* 

Jute. — Oye am thonthorstrok, thing mud. 

(Stoop) if you are abcedminded, to this daybook, what curios 
of signs (please stoop), in this allaphbed! Can you rede (since 
We and Thou had it out already) its world.'^ It is the same told 
of all. Many. Miscegenations on miscegenations. Tieckle. They 
lived und laughed ant loved end left. Forsin. Thy thingdome is 
given to the Meades and Porsons. The meandertale, aloss and 
again, of our old Heidenburgh in the days when Head-in- Clouds 
walked the earth. In the ignorance that iniplies impression that 
Jmits knowledge that find^s the nameform that whets'^tliV^^ts that 
co'hvfy contacts that sweet^ sensation that drivei^ desire that 
adheres to attachment that dogs death that bitches birth that en- 
tails the ensuance of existentiality. But with a rush out of his 
navel reaching the reredos of Ramasbatham. A terricolous vively- 
onview this; queer and it continues to be quaky. AJ^tch, ^^It, 
an(e^share the pourquose of which was tcfc^say th^ji^rthcrust at 
all o^hours, furrowards, bagawards, like yoxen at the turnpaht. 
Here say figurines billycoose arming and mounting. Mounting and 
arming bellicose figurines see here. Futhorc, this liffle efEngee is for 
a firefing called a flintforfall. Face at the eased! O I fay! Face at the 
waist! Ho, you fie! Upwap and dump em, "^lace to U^ace! When a 

i8 



HP 



V0 



V 




part so ptee does duty for the holos we soon grow to use of an 
allforabit. Here (please to stoop) are selveran cued peteet peas of 
quite a pecuniar interest inaslittle as they are the pellets that make 
the tomtummy's pay roll. Right rank ragnar rocks and with these 
rox orangotangos rangled rough and rightgorong. Wisha, wisha, 
whydidtha? Thik is for thorn that's thuck in its thoil like thum- 
fool's thraitor thrust for vengeance. What a mnice old mness it 
all mnakes! A rniddenhide hoard of objects! Olives, beets, kim- 
mells, dollies, alfrids, beatties, cormacks and daltons. Owlets' eegs 
(O stoop to please!) are here, creakish from age and all now 
quite epsilene, and oldwolldy wobblewers, haudworth a wipe o 
grass. Sss! See the snake wurrums everyside! Our durlbin is 
sworming in sneaks. They came to our island from triangular 
Toucheaterre beyond the wet prairie rared up in the midst of the 
cargon of prohibitive pomefructs but along landed Paddy Wip- 
pingham and the his garbagecans cotched the creeps of them 
pricker than our whosethere outofman could quick up her whats- 
thats. Somedivide and sumthelot but the tally turns round the 
same balifuson. Racketeers and bottloggers. 

Axe on thwacks on thracks, axenwise. One by one place one \ 
be three dittoh and one before. Two nursus one make a plaus- 
ible free and idim behind. Starting off with a big boaboa and three- 
legged calvers and ivargraine jadesses with a message in their 
mouths. And a hundreadfilled unleaven weight of liberorumqueue ^ ^r^^ 
to con an we can till allhorrors eve. What a meanderthalltale to "^J^^, 
unfurl and with what an end in view of squattor and anntisquattor 
and postproneauntisquattor! To say too us to be every tim, nick orf^^^ 
and larry of us, sons of the sod, sons, littlesons, yea and lealittle- 
sons, when usses not to be, every sue, siss and sally of us, dugters 
of Nan! Accusative ahnsire! Damadam to infinities! 

True there was in nillohs dieybos as yet no lumpend papeer 
in the waste and mightmountain Penn still groaned for the micies 
to let flee. All was of ancientry. You gave me a boot (signs on 
it!) and I ate the wind. I quizzed you a quid (with for what'^) and 
you went to the quod. But the world, mind, is, was and will be 
writiiig its own wrunes for ever, man, on all matters that fall 



under the ban of our infrarational senses fore the last milch- 
camel, the heartvein throbbing between his eyebrowns, has still to 
moor before the tomb of his cousin charmian where his date is 
tethered by the palm that's hers. But the horn, the drinking, the 
day of dread are not now. A bone, a pebble, a ramskin; chip them, 
chap them, cut them up allways; leave them to terracook in the 
muttheringpot; and Gutenmorg with his crpmagnom charter, 
tintingfast and great primer must once for omniboss step ru- 
brickredd out of the wordpress else is there no virtue more in al- 
cohoran. For that (the rapt one warns) is what papyr is meed 
of, made of, hides and hints and misses in prints. Till ye finally 
(though not yet endlike) meet with the acquaintance of Mister 
Typus, Mistress Tope and all the little typtopies. Fillstup. So you 
need hardly spell me how every word will be bound over to carry 
three score and ten toptypsical readings throughout the book of 
Doublends Jined (may his forehead be darkened with mud who 
would sunder!) till Daleth, mahomahouma, who oped it closeth 
thereof the. Dor. 

Cry not yet! There's many a smile to Nondum, with sytty 
maids per man, sir, and the park's so dark by kindlelight. But 
look what you have in your handself! The movibles are scrawl- 
ing in motions, marching, all of them ago, in pitpat and zingzang 
for every busy eerie whig's a bit of a torytale to tell. One's upon 
a thyme and two's behind their lettice leap and three's among the 
strubbely beds. And the chicks picked their teeths and the domb- 
key he begay began. You can ask your ass if he believes it. And 
so cuddy me only wallops have heels. That one of a wife with 
folty barnets. For then was the age when hoops ran high. Of a 
noarch and a chopwife; of a pomme full grave and a fammy of 
levity; or of golden youths that wanted gelding; or of what the 
mischievmiss made a man do. Malmarriedad he was reverso- 
gassed by the frisque of her frasques and her prytty pyrrhique. 
Maye faye, she's la gaye this snaky woman ! From that trippiery 
toe expectungpelick ! Veil, volantine, valentine eyes. She's the 
very besch Winnie blows' Nay on good. Flou inn, flow ann. 
Hohore! So it's sure it was her not we! But lay it easy, gentle 



mien, we are in rearing of a norewhig. So weenybeeny- 

veeny teeny. Comsy see! Het wis if ee newt. Lissom! lissom! 

I am doing it. Hark, the corne entreats! And the larpnotes . 

prittle. ^4? m'^-" 

It was of a night, late, lang time agone, in an auldstane eld, 
when Adam was delvin and his madameen spinning watersilts, 
when mulk mountynotty man was everybully and the first leal 
ribberrobber that ever had her ainway everybuddy to his love- 
saking eyes and everybilly lived alove with everybiddy else, and 
Jarl van Hoother had his burnt head high up in his lamphouse, 
laying cold hands on himself. And his two little jiminies, cousins 
of ourn, Tristopher and Hilary, were kickaheeling their dummy 
on the oil cloth flure of his homerigh, castle and earthenhouse. 
And, be dermot, who come to the keep of his inn only the niece- 
of-his-in-law, the prankquean. And the prankquean pulled a rosy 
one and made her wit foreninst the dour. And she lit up and fire- 
land was ablaze. And spoke she to the dour in her petty perusi- 
enne: Mark the Wans, why do I am alook alike a poss of porter- 
pease.'^ And that was how the skirtmisshes began. But the dour 
handworded her grace in dootch nossow: Shut! So her grace 
o' malice kidsnapped up the jiminy Tristopher and into the shan- 
dy westerness she rain, rain, rain. And Jarl van Hoother war- 
lessed after her with soft dovesgall: Stop deef stop come back to 
my earin stop. But she swaradid to him: Unlikelihud. And there 
was a brannewail that same sabboath night of falling angles some- 
where in Erio. And the prankquean went for her forty years' 
walk in Tourlemonde and she washed the blessings of the love- 
spots off the jiminy with soap sulliver suddles and she had her 
four owlers masters for to tauch him his tickles and she convor- 
ted him to the onesure allgood and he became a luderman. So then 
she started to rain and to rain and, be redtom, she was back again 
at Jarl van Hoother's in a brace of samers and the jiminy with 
her in her pinafrond, lace at night, at another time. And where 
did she come but to the bar of his bristolry. And Jarl von Hoo- 
ther had his baretholobruised heels drowned in his cellarmalt, 
shaking warm hands with himself and the jimminy Hilary and 

21 



the dummy in their first infancy were below on the tearsheet, 
wringing and coughing, like brodar and histher. And the prank- 
quean nipped a paly one and lit up again and redcocks flew flack- 
ering from the hillcombs. And she made her witter before the 
wicked, saying: Mark the Twy, why do I am alook alike two poss 
of porterpease? And: Shut! says the wicked, handwording her 
madesty. So her madesty a forethought set down a jiminy and 
took up a jiminy and all the lilipath ways to Woeman*s Land she 
rain, rain, rain. And Jarl von Hoother bleethered atter her with 
a loud finegale: Stop domb stop come back with my earring stop. 
But the prankquean swaradid: Am liking it. And there was a wild 
old grannewwail that laurency night of starshootings somewhere 
in Erio. And the prankquean went for her forty years' walk in 
Turnlemeem and she punched the curses of cromcruwell with 
the nail of a top into the jiminy and she had her four larksical 
monitrix to touch him his tears and she provorted him to the 
onecertain allsecure and he became a tristian. So then she started 
raining, raining, and in a pair of changers, be dom ter, she was 
back again at Jarl von Hoother 's and the Larryhill with her under 
her abromette. And why would she halt at all if not by the ward 
of his mansionhome of another nice lace for the third charm? 
And Jarl von Hoother had his hurricane hips up to his pantry- 
box, ruminating in his holdfour stomachs (Dare! O dare!), and 
the jiminy Toughertrees and the dummy were belove on the 
watercloth, kissing and spitting, and roguing and poghuing, like 
knavepaltry and naivebride and in their second infancy. And the 
prankquean picked a blank and lit out and the valleys lay twink- 
ling. And she made her wittest in front of the arkway of trihump, 
asking: Mark the Tris, why do I am alook alike three poss of por- 
ter pease.'^ But that was how the skirtmishes endupped. For like 
the Campbells acoming with a fork lance of lightning, Jarl von 
Hoother Boanerges himself, the old terror of the dames, came 
hip hop handihap out through the pikeopened arkway of his 
three shuttoned castles, in his broadginger hat and his civic chol- 
lar and his allabuff hemmed and his bullbraggin soxangloves 
and his ladbroke breeks and his cattegut bandolair and his fur- 

22 



■ 



J 



Yv\ov: 



framed panuncular cumbottes like a rudd yellan gruebleen Or- 
angeman in his violet indigonation, to the whole longth of the 
strongth of his bowman's bill. And he clopped his rude hand to 
his eacy hitch and he ordurd and his thick spch spck for her to 
shut up shop, dappy. And the duppy shot the shutter clup (Per- 
kodhuskurunbarggruauyagokgorlayorgromgremmitghundhurth-J 
rumathunaradidillifaititillibumullunukkunun!) And they all drank 
free. For one man in his armour was a fat match always for any 
girls under shurts. And that was the first peace of illiterative 
porthery in all the flamend floody flatuous world. How kirssy the 
tiler made a sweet unclose to the Narwhealian captol. Saw fore 
shalt thou sea. Betoun ye and be. The prankquean was to hold 
her dummyship and the jimminies was to keep the peacewave 
and van Hoother was to git the wind up. Thus the hearsomeness 
of the burger felicitates the whole of the polis. 

O foenix culprit! Ex nickylow malo comes mickelmassed bo- 
num. Hill, rill, ones in company, billeted, less be proud of. Breast 
high and bestride! Only for that these will not breathe upon 
Norronesen or Irenean the secrest of their soorcelossness. Quar- 
ry silex, Homfrie Noanswa! Undy gentian festyknees, Li via No- 
answa.'* Wolkencap is on him, frowned; audiurient, he would 
evesdrip, were it mous at hand, were it dinn of bottles in the far 
ear. Murk, his vales are darkling. With lipth she lithpeth to him 
all to time of thuch on thuch and thow on thow. She he she ho 
she ha to la. Hairfluke, if he could bad twig her! Impalpabunt, 
he abhears. The soundwaves are his buffeteers; they trompe him 
with their trompes; the wave of roary and the wave of hooshed 
and the wave of hawhawhawrd and the wave of neverheedthem- 
horseluggarsandlistletomine. Landloughed by his neaghboormis- 
tress and perpetrified in his ofFsprung, sabes and suckers, the 
moaning pipers could tell him to his faceback, the louthly one 
whose loab we are devorers of, how butt for his hold halibutt, or 
her to her pudor puff, the lipalip one whose libe we drink at, how 
biff for her tiddjrwink of a windfall, our breed and washer givers, 
there would not be a holey spier on the town nor a vestal flout- 
ing in the dock, nay to make plein avowels, nor a yew nor an eye 

23 



to play cash cash in Novo Nilbud by swamplight nor a' toole o' 
tall o* toll and noddy hint to the convaynience. 

He dug in and dug out by the skill of his tilth for himself and 
all belonging to him and he sweated his crew beneath his auspice 
for the living and he urned his dread, that dragon volant, and he 
made louse for us and delivered us to boll weevils amain, that 
mighty liberator, Unfru-Chikda-Uru-Wukru and begad he did, 
our ancestor most worshipful, till he thought of a better one in 
his windower's house with that blushmantle upon him from ears- 
end to earsend. And would again could whispring grassies wake 
him and may again when the fiery bird disembers. And will 
again if so be sooth by elder to his youngers shall be said. Have 
you whines for my wedding, did you bring bride and bedding, 
will you whoop for my deading is a? Wake? Usqueadbaugham/ 

Anam muck an dhoul! Did ye drink me doornail? 

Now be aisy, good Mr Finnimore, sir. And take your laysure 
like a god on pension and don't be walking abroad. Sure you'd 
only lose yourself in Healiopolis now the way your roads in 
Kapelavaster are that winding there after the calvary, the North 
Umbrian and the Fivs Barrow and Waddlings Raid and the 
Bower Moore and wet your feet maybe with the foggy dew's 
abroad. Meeting some sick old bankrupt or the Cottericks' donkey 
with his shoe hanging, clankatachankata, or a slut snoring with an 
impure infant on a bench. 'Twould turn you against life, so 
'twould. And the weather's that mean too. To part from Devlin 
is hard as Nugent knew, to leave the clean tanglesome one lushier 
than its neighbour enfranchisable fields but let your ghost have 
no grievance. You're better off, sir, where you are, primesigned 
in the full of your dress, bloodeagle waistcoat and all, remember- 
ing your shapes and sizes on the pillow of your babycurls under 
your sycamore by the keld water where the Tory's clay will scare 
the varmints and have all you want, pouch, gloves, flask, bricket, 
kerchief, ring and amberulla, the whole treasure of the pyre, in the 
land of souls with Homin and Broin Baroke and pole ole Lonan 
and Nobucketnozzler and the Guinnghis Khan. And we'll be 
coming here, the ombre players, to rake your gravel and bringing 

24 



you presents, won't we, fenians? And it isn't our spittle we'll stint 
you of, is it, druids? Not shabbty little imagettes, pennydirts and 
dodgemyeyes you buy in the soottee stores. But offerings of the 
field. Mieliodories, that Doctor Faherty, the madison man, 
taught to gooden you. Poppypap's a passport out. And honey is 
the holiest thing ever was, hive, comb and earwax, the food for 
glory, (mind you keep the pot or your nectar cup may yield too 
light!) and some goat's milk, sir, like the maid used to bring you. 
Your fame is spreading like Basilico's ointment since the Fintan 
Lalors piped you overborder and there's whole households be- 
yond the Bothnians and they calling names after you. The men- 
here's always talking of you sitting around on the pig's cheeks 
under the sacred rooftree, over the bowls of memory where every 
hollow holds a hallow, with a pledge till the drengs, in the Salmon 
House. And admiring to our supershillelagh where the palmsweat 
on high is the mark of your manument. All the toethpicks ever 
Eirenesians chewed on are chips chepped from that battery 
block. If you were bowed and soild and letdown itself from the 
oner of the load it was that paddyplanters might pack up plenty and 
when you were undone in every point fore the laps of goddesses ^"^y^i,^- 
you showed our labourlasses how to free was easy. The game old 
Gunne, they do be saying, (skull !) that was a planter for you, a 
spicer of them all. Begog but he was, the G.O.G! He's dudd- 
andgunne now and we're apter finding the sores of his sedeq 
but peace to his great limbs, the buddhoch, with the last league 
long rest of him, while the millioncandled eye of Tuskar sweeps 
the Moylean Main ! There was never a warlord in Great Erinnes 
and Brettland, no, nor in all Pike County like you, they say. No, 
nor a king nor an ardking, bung king, sung king or hung king. 
That you could fell an elmstree twelve urchins couldn't ring 
round and hoist high the stone that Liam failed. Who but a Mac- 
cullaghmore the reise of our fortunes and the faunayman at the 
funeral to compass our cause. ^ If you was hogglebully itself and 
most frifty like you was taken waters still what all where was 
your like to lay the cable or who was the batter could better 
Your Grace.^ Mick Mac Magnus MacCawley can take you off to 

25 



the pure perfection and Leatherbags Reynolds tries your shuffle 
and cut. But as Hopkins and Hopkins puts it, you were the pale 
eggynaggy and a kis to tilly up. We calls him the journeyall 
Buggaloffs since he went Jerusalemfaring in Arssia Manor. You 
had a gamier cock than Pete, Jake or Martin and your archgoose 
of geese stubbled for All Angels* Day. So may the priest of seven 
worms and scalding tayboil. Papa Vestray, come never anear you 
as your hair grows wheater beside the Liffey that's in Heaven! 
Hep, hep, hurrah there! Hero! Seven times thereto we salute 
you! The whole bag of kits, falconplumes and jackboots incloted, 
is where you flung them that time. Your heart is in the system 
of the Shewolf and your crested head is in the tropic of Copri- 
capron. Your feet are in the cloister of Virgo. Your olala is in the 
region of sahuls. And that's ashore as you were born. Your shuck 
tick's swell. And that there texas is tow linen. The loamsome 
roam to Laffayette is ended. Drop in your tracks, babe ! Be not 
unrested! The headboddylwatcher of the chempel of Isid, 
Totumcalmum, saith: I know thee, metherjar, I know thee, sal- 
vation boat. For we have performed upon thee, thou abrama- 
nation, who comest ever without being invoked, whose coming 
is unknown, all the things which the company of the precentors 
and of the grammarians of Chris tpatrick's ordered concerning 
thee in the matter of the work of thy tombing. Howe of the ship- 
men, steep wall! ! c/w\ 

Everything's going on the same or so it appeals to all of us, 
in the old holmsted here. Coughings all over the sanctuary, bad 
scrant to me aunt Florenza. The horn for breakfast, one o'gong 
for lunch and dinnerchime. As popular as when Belly the First 
was keng and his members met in the Diet of Man. The same 
shop slop in the window. Jacob's lettercrackers and Dr Tipple's 
Vi-Cocoa and the Eswuards' desippated soup beside Mother Sea- 
gull's syrup. Meat took a drop when Reilly-Parsons failed. Coal's 
short but we've plenty of bog in the yard. And barley's up again, 
begrained to it. The lads is attending school nessans regular, sir, 
spelling beesknees with hathatansy and turning out tables by 
mudapplication. Allfor the books and never pegging smashers 

26 



I 



after Tom Bowe Glassarse or Timmy the Tosser. 'Tisraely the 
truth! No isn't it, roman pathoricks? You were the double] ojoited 
janitor the morning they were delivered and you'll be a grandfer 
yet entirely when the ritehand seizes what the lovearm knows. 
Kevin's just a doat with his cherub cheek, chalking oghres on 
walls, and his litde lamp and schoolbelt and bag of knicks, playing 
postman's knock round the diggings and if the seep were milk 
you could lieve his olde by his ide but, laus sake, the devil does 
be in that knirps of a Jerry sometimes, the tarandtan plaidboy, 
making encostive inkum out of the last of his lavings and writing 
a blue streak over his bourseday shirt. Hetty Jane's a child of 
Mary. She'll be coming (for they're sure to choose her) in her 
white of gold with a tourch of ivy to rekindle the flame on Felix 
Day. But Essie Shanahan has let down her skirts. You remember 
Essie in our Luna's Convent.^ They called her Holly Merry her 
lips were so ruddyberry and Pia de Purebelle when the redminers 
riots was on about her. Were I a clerk designate to the Williams- 
woodsmenufactors I'd poster those pouters on every jamb in the 
town. She's making her rep at Lanner's twicenightly. With the 
tabarine tamtammers of the whirligigmagees. Beats that cachucha 
flat. 'Twould dilate your heart to go. 

Aisy now, you decent man, with your knees and lie quiet and 
repose your honour's lordship ! Hold him here, Ezekiel Irons, and 
may God strengthen you! It's our warm spirits, boys, he's spoor- 
ing. Dimitrius O'Flagonan, cork that cure for the Clancartys ! You 
swamped enough since Portobello to float the Pomeroy. Fetch 
neahere, Pat Koy! And fetch nouyou, Pam Yates! Be nayther 
angst of Wramawitch! Here's lumbos. Where misties swaddlum, 
where misches lodge none, where mystries pour kind on, O 
sleepy! So be yet! 

I've an eye on queer Behan and old Kate and the butter, trust me. 
She'll do no jugglywuggly with her war souvenir postcards to 
help to build me murial, tippers! I'll trip your traps! Assure a 
sure there ! And we put on your clock again, sir, for you. Did or 
didn't we, sharestutterers.'^ So you won't be up a stump entirely. 
Nor shed your remnants. The sternwheel's crawling strong. I 

27 



seen your missus in the hall. Like the queenoveire. Arrah, it*s 
herself that's fine, too, don't be talking! Shirksends? You storyan 
Harry chap longa me Harry chap storyan grass woman plelthy 
good trout. Shakeshands. Dibble a hayfork's wrong with her only 
her lex's salig. Boald Tib does be yawning and smirking cat's 
hours on the Pollockses' woolly round tabouretcushion watch- 
ing her sewing a dream together, the tailor's daughter, stitch to 
her last. Or while waiting for winter to fire the enchantement, 
decoying more nesters to fall down the flue. It's an allavalonche that 
blows nopussy food. If you only were there to explain the mean- 
ing, best of men, and talk to her nice of guldenselver. The lips 
would moisten once again. As when you drove with her to Fin- 
drinny Fair. What with reins here and ribbons there all your 
hands were employed so she never knew was she on land or at 
sea or swooped through the blue like Airwinger's bride. She 
was flirtsome then and she's fluttersome yet. She can second a 
song and adores a scandal when the last post's gone by. Fond of 
a concertina and pairs passing when she's had her forty winks 
for supper after kanekannan and abbely dimpling and is in her 
merlin chair assotted, reading her Evening World. To see is 
it smarts, full lengths or swaggers. News, news, all the news. 
Death, a leopard, kills fellah in Fez. Angry scenes at Stormount. 
Stilla Star with her lucky in goingaways. Opportunity fair with 
the China floods and we hear these rosy rumours. Ding Tams he 
noise about all same Harry chap. She's seeking her way, a chickle 
a chuckle, in and out of their serial story, Les Loves of Selskar 
et Pervenche^ freely adapted to The Novvergins Viv. There'll 
be bluebells blowing in salty sepulchres the night she signs her 
final tear. Zee End. But that's a world of ways away. Till track 
laws time. No silver ash or switches for that one! While flattering 
candles flare. Anna Stacey's how are you! Worther waist in the 
noblest, says Adams and Sons, the wouldpay actionneers. Her 
hair's as brown as ever it was. And wivvy and wavy. Repose you 
now! Finn no more! 

For, be that samesake sibsubstitute of a hooky salmon, there's 
already a big rody ram lad at random on the premises of his 

28 



_ 



haunt of the hungred bordles, as it is told me. Shop Illicit, 
flourishing like a lordmajor or a buaboabaybohm, litting flop 
a deadlop (aloose!) to lee but lifting a bennbranch a yardalong 
(ivoeh!) on the breezy side (for showm!), the height of Brew- 
ster's chimpney and as broad below as Phineas Barnum; humph- 
ing his share of the showthers is senken on him he's such a 
grandfallar, with a pocked wife in pickle that's a flyfire and three 
lice nittle clinkers, two twilling bugs and one midgit pucelle. 
And aither he cursed and recursed and was everseen doing what 
your fourfootlers saw or he was never done seeing what you cool- 
pigeons know, weep the clouds aboon for smiledown witnesses, 
and that'll do now about the fairyhees and the frailyshees. 
Though Eset fibble it to the zephiroth and Artsa zoom it round 
her heavens for ever. Creator he has created for his creatured 
ones a creation. White monothoid.'^ Red theatrocrat.^ And all the 
pinkprophets cohalething.^ Very much so! But however 'twas 
'tis sure for one thing, what sherif Toragh voucherfors and 
Mapqiq makes put out, that the man, Humme the Cheapner, 
Esc, overseen as we thought him, yet a worthy of the naym, 
came at this timecoloured place where we live in our paroqial 
fermament one tide on another, with a bumrush in a hull of a 
wherry, the twin turbane dhow. The Bey for Dyhhling^ this 
archipelago's first visiting schooner, with a wicklowpattern 
waxenwench at her prow for a figurehead, the deadsea dugong 
updipdripping from his depths, and has been repreaching him- 
self like a fishmummer these siktyten years ever since, his shebi 
by his shide, adi and aid, growing hoarish under his turban and 
changing cane sugar into sethulose starch (Tuttut's cess to him!) 
as also that, batin the bulkihood he bloats about when innebbi- 
ated, our old offender was humile, commune and ensectuous 
from his nature, which you may gauge after the bynames was 
put under him, in lashons of languages, (honnein suit and 
praisers be!) and, totaUsating him, even hamissim of himashim 
that he, sober serious, he is ee and no counter he who will be 
ultimendly respunchable for the hubbub caused in Eden- 
borough. 

29 



Now (to forebare for ever solittle of Iris Trees and Lili O'Ran- 
gans), concerning the genesis of Harold or Humphrey Chimp- 
den's occupational agnomen (we are back in the presurnames 
prodromarith period, of course just when enos chalked halltraps) 
and discarding once for all those theories from older sources which 
would link him back with such pivotal ancestors as the Glues, the 
Gravys, the Northeasts, the Ankers and the Earwickers of Sidles- 
ham in the Hundred of Manhood or proclaim him ofFsprout of 
vikings who had founded wapentake and seddled hem in Herrick 
or Eric, the best authenticated version, the Dumlat, read the 
Reading of Hofed-ben-Edar, has it that it was this way. We are 
told how in the beginning it came to pass that like cabbaging 
Cincinnatus the grand old gardener was saving daylight under his 
redwoodtree one sultry sabbath afternoon, Hag Chivychas Eve, 
in prefall paradise peace by following his plough for roodes in the 
rere garden of mobhouse, ye olde marine hotel, when royalty was 
announced by runner to have been pleased to have halted itself on 
the highroad along which a leisureloving dogfox had cast fol- 
lowed, also at walking pace, by a lady pack of cocker spaniels. For- 
getful of all save his vassal's plain fealty to the ethnarch Humphrey 
or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle but stumbled out hotface 
as he was (his sweatful bandanna loose from his pocketcoat) hast- 
ing to the forecourts of his public in topee, surcingle, solascarf and 
plaid, plus fours, puttees and bulldog boots ruddled cinnabar with 

30 



I 



flagrant marl, jingling his turnpike keys and bearing aloft amid 
the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a 
flowerpot was fixed earthside hoist with care. On his majesty, who 
was, or often feigned to be, noticeably longsighted from green 
youth and had been meaning to inquire what, in effect, had caused 
yon causeway to be thus potholed, asking substitutional^ to be 
put wise as to whether paternoster and silver doctors were not 
now more fancied bait for lobstertrapping honest blunt Harom- 
phreyld answered in no uncertain tones very similarly with a fear- 
less forehead: Naw, yer maggers, aw war jist a cotchin on thon 
bluggy earwuggers. Our sailor king, who was draining a gugglet 
of obvious adamale, gift both and gorban, upon this, ceasing to 
swallow, smiled most heartily beneath his walrus moustaches and 
indulging that none too genial humour which William the Conk 
on the spindle side had inherited with the hereditary whitelock 
and some shortfingeredness from his greataunt Sophy, turned to- 
wards two of his retinue of gallowglasses, Michael, etheling lord 
of Leix and OfFaly and the jubilee mayor of Drogheda, Elcock, 
(the two scatterguns being Michael M. Manning, protosyndic of 
Waterford and an Italian excellency named Giubilei according to 
a later version cited by the learned scholarch Canavan of Can- 
makenoise), in either case a triptychal religious family symbolising 
puritas of doctrina, business per usuals and the purchypatch of 
hamlock where the paddish preties grow and remarked dilsydul- 
sily: Holybones of Saint Hubert how our red brother of Pour- 
ingrainia would audibly fume did he know that we have for sur- 
trusty bailiwick a turnpiker who is by turns a pikebailer no sel- 
domer than an earwigger! For he kinned Jom Pill with his court 
so gray and his haunts in his house in the mourning. (One still 
hears that pebble crusted laughta, japijap cheerycherrily, among 
the roadside tree the lady Holmpatrick planted and still one feels 
the amossive silence of the cladstone allegibelling: Ive mies outs 
ide Bourn.) Comes the question are these the facts of his nom- 
inigentilisation as recorded and accolated in both or either of the 
collateral andrewpaulmurphyc narratives. Are those their fata 
which we read in sibylline between the fas and its nefas? No dung 

31 



on the road? And shall Nohomiah be our place like? Yea, Mulachy 
our kingable khan? We shall perhaps not so soon see. Pinck 
poncks that bail for seeks alicence where cumsceptres with scen- 
taurs stay. Bear in mind, son of Hokmah, if so be you have me- 
theg in your midness, this man is mountain and unto changeth 
doth one ascend. Heave we aside the fallacy, as punical as finikin, 
that it was not the king kingself but his inseparable sisters, un- 
controllable nighttalkers, Skertsiraizde with Donyahzade, who 
afterwards, when the robberers shot up the socialights, came down 
into the world as amusers and were staged by Madame Sudlow 
as Rosa and Lily Miskinguette in the pantalime that two pitts 
paythronosed, Miliodorus and Galathee. The great fact emerges 
that after that historic date all holographs so far exhumed ini- 
tialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E. and while he was 
only and long and always good Dook Umphrey for the hunger- 
lean spalpeens of Lucalizod and Chimbers to his cronies it was 
equally certainly a pleasant turn of the populace which gave him 
as sense of those normative letters the nickname Here Comes 
Everybody. An imposing everybody he always indeed looked, 
constantly the same as and equal to himself and magnificently well 
worthy of any and all such universalisation, every time he con- 
tinually surveyed, amid vociferatings from in front of Accept these 
few nutties! and Take off that white hat! ^ relieved with Stop his Grog 
and Put It in the Log and Loots in his (bassvoco) Boots ^ from good 
start to happy finish the truly catholic assemblage gathered together 
in that king's treat house of satin alustrelike above floats and foot- 
lights from their assbawlveldts and oxgangs unanimously to clap- 
plaud (the inspiration of his lifetime and the hits of their careers) 
Mr Wallenstein Washington Semperkelly's immergreen tourers 
in a command performance by special request with the courteous 
permission for pious purposes the homedromed and enliventh 
performance of the problem passion play of the millentury, running 
\ .0*3 strong since creation, A Royal Divorce^ then near the approach 
towards the summit of its climax, with ambitious interval band 
selections from The Bo Girl and The Lily on all horserie show 
command nights from his viceregal booth (his bossaloner is ceil- 

32 



inged there a cuckoospit less eminent than the redritualhoods of 
Maccabe and Cullen) where, a veritable Napoleon the Nth, our 
worldstage's practical jokepiece and retired cecelticocommediant 
in his own wise, this folksforefather all of the time sat, having the 
entirety of his house about him, with the invariable broadstretched 
kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in 
a wardrobe panelled tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt 
well entitled a swallowall, on every point far outstarching the 
laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit 
stalls and early amphitheatre. The piece was this: look at the lamps. 
The cast was thus: see under the clock. Ladies circle: cloaks may 
be left. Pit, prommer and parterre, standing room only. Habituels 
conspicuously emergent. 

A baser meaning has been read into these characters the literal 
sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been blur- 
tingly bruited by certain wisecrackers (the stinks of Mohorat are 
in the nightplots of the morning), that he suffered from a vile 
disease. Athma, unmanner them! To such a suggestion the one 
selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements 
which ought not to be, and one should like to hope to be able to 
add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors, 
who, an imperfectly warmblooded race, apparently conceive him 
as a great white caterpillar capable of any and every enormity in 
the calendar recorded to the discredit of the Juke and Kellikek 
families, mended their case by insinuating that, alternately, he lay 
at one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying Welsh 
fusiliers in the people's park. Hay, hay, hay! Hoq, hoq, hoq! 
Faun and Flora on the lea love that little old joq. To anyone who 
knew and loved the christlikeness of the big cleanminded giant 
H. C. Earwicker throughout his excellency long vicefreegal exis- 
tence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth nosing for trou- 
ble in a boobytrap rings particularly preposterous. Truth, beard 
on prophet, compels one to add that there is said to have been 
quondam (pfuit! pfuit!) some case of the kind implicating, it is 
interdum believed, a quidam (if he did not exist it would be ne- 
cessary quoniam to invent him) abhout that time stambuling ha- 

33 



round Dumbaling in leaky sneakers with his tarrk record who 
has remained topantically anonymos but (let us hue him Abdul- 
lah Gamellaxarksky) was, it is stated, posted at Mallon's at the 
instance of watch warriors of the vigilance committee and years 
afterwards, cries one even greater, Ibid, a commender of the 
frightful, seemingly, unto such as were sulhan sated, tropped head 
(pfiat! pfiat!) waiting his first of the month froods turn for 
thatt chopp pah kabbakks alicubi on the old house for the charge- 
hard, Roche Haddocks off Hawkins Street. Lowe, you blondy 
liar. Gob scene you in the narked place and she what's edith ar 
home defileth these boyles! There's a cabful of bash indeed in 
the homeur of that meal. Slander, let it lie its flattest, has never 
been able to convict our good and great and no ordinary Southron 
Earwicker, that homogenius man, as a pious author called him, of 
any graver impropriety than that, advanced by some woodwards 
or regarders, who did not dare deny, the shomers, that they had, 
chin Ted, chin Tam, chinchin Taffyd, that day consumed their 
soul of the corn, of having behaved with ongentilmensky im- 
modus opposite a pair of dainty maidservants in the swoolth of 
the rushy hollow whither, or so the two gown and pinners plead- 
ed, dame nature in all innocency had spontaneously and about the 
same hour of the eventide sent them both but whose published 
combinations of silkinlaine testimonies are, where not dubiously 
pure, visibly divergent, as wapt from wept, on minor points touch- 
ing the intimate nature of this, a first offence in vert or venison 
which was admittedly an incautious but, at its wildest, a partial ex- 
posure with such attenuating circumstances (garthen gaddeth green 
hwere sokeman brideth girling) as an abnormal Saint Swithin's 
summer and, (Jesses Rosasharon !) a ripe occasion to provoke it. 

We can't do without them. Wives, rush to the restyours ! Of- 
man will toman while led is the loL Zessid's our kadem, villa- 
pleach, vollapluck. Fikup, for flesh nelly, el mundo nov, zole flen ! 
If she's a lilyth, pull early! Pauline, allow! And malers abushed, 
keep black, keep black! Guiltless of much laid to him he was 
clearly for once at least he clearly expressed himself as being with 
still a trace of his erstwhile burr and hence it has been received of 

34 



us that it is true. They tell the story (an amalgam as absorbing as 
calzium chloereydes and hydrophobe sponges could make it) how 
one happygogusty Ides-of-April morning (the anniversary, as it 
fell out, of his first assumption of his mirthday suit and rights in 
appurtenance to the confusioning of human races) ages and ages 
after the alleged misdemeanour when the tried friend of all crea- 
tion, tigerwood roadstaff to his stay, was billowing across the 
wide expanse of our greatest park in his caoutchouc kepi and 
great belt and hideinsacks and his blaufunx fustian and ironsides 
jackboots and Bhagafat gaiters and his rubberised inverness, he 
met a cad with a pipe. The latter, the luciferant not the oriuolate 
(who, the odds are, is still berting dagabout in the same straw 
bamer, carryin his overgoat under his schulder, sheepside out, so 
as to look more like a coumfry gentleman and signing the pledge 
as gaily as you please) hardily accosted him with: Guinness thaw 
tool in jew me dinner ouzel fin? (a nice how-do-you-do in Pool- 
black at the time as some of our olddaisers may still tremblingly 
recall) to ask could he tell him how much a clock it was that the 
clock struck had he any idea by cock's luck as his watch was 
bradys. Hesitency was clearly to be evitated. Execration as cleverly 
to be honnisoid. The Earwicker of that spurring instant, realising 
on fundamental liberal principles the supreme importance, nexally 
and noxally, of physical life (the nearest help relay being pingping 
K. O. Sempatrick's Day and the fenian rising) and unwishful as 
he felt of being hurled into eternity right then, plugged by a soft- 
nosed bullet from the sap, halted, quick on the draw, and reply- 
in that he was feelin tipstaff, cue, prodooced from his gunpocket 
his Jurgensen's shrapnel waterbury, ours by communionism, his 
by usucapture, but, on the same stroke, hearing above the skirl- 
ing of harsh Mother East old Fox Goodman, the bellmaster, over 
the wastes to south, at work upon the ten ton tonuant thunder- 
ous tenor toller in the speckled church (Couhounin's call!) told 
the inquiring kidder, by Jehova, it was twelve of em sidereal and 
tankard time, adding, buttall, as he bended deeply with smoked 
sardinish breath to give more pondus to the copperstick he pre- 
sented, (though this seems in some cumfusium with the chap- 

35 



stuck ginger which, as being of sours, acids, salts, sweets and 
bitters compompounded, we know him to have used as chaw- 
chaw for bone, muscle, blood, flesh and vimvital,) that where- 
as the hakusay accusation againstm had been made, what was 
known in high quarters as was stood stated in Morganspost, by 
a creature in youman form who was quite beneath parr and seve- 
ral degrees lower than yore triplehydrad snake. In greater sup- 
port of his word (it, quaint anticipation of a famous phrase, has 
been reconstricted out of oral style into the verbal for all time 
with ritual rhythmics, in quiritary quietude, and toosammen- 
stucked from successive accounts by Noah Webster in the re- 
daction known as the Sayings Attributive of H. C. Earwicker, 
prize on schillings, postlots free), the flaxen Gygas tapped his 
chronometrum drumdrum and, now standing full erect, above 
the ambijacent floodplain, scene of its happening, with one Ber- 
lin gauntlet chopstuck in the hough of his ellboge (by ancientest 
signlore his gesture meaning: 3!) pointed at an angle of thirty- 
two degrees towards his due de Fers overgrown milestone as 
fellow to his gage and after a rendypresent pause averred with 
solemn emotion's fire: Shsh shake, co-comeraid! Me only, them 
five ones, he is equal combat. I have won straight. Hence my 
nonation wide hotel and creamery establishments which for the 
honours of our mewmew mutual daughters, credit me, I am woo- 
woo willing to take my stand, sir, upon the monument, that sign 
of our ruru redemption, any hygienic day to this hour and to 
make my hoath to my sinnfinners, even if I get life for it, upon 
the Open Bible and before the Great Taskmaster's (I lift my hat!) 
and in the presence of the Deity Itself andwell of Bishop and 
Mrs Michan of High Church of England as of all such of said 
my immediate withdwellers and of every living sohole in every 
corner wheresoever of this globe in general which useth of my 
British to my backbone tongue and commutative justice that 
there is not one tittle of truth, allow me to tell you, in that purest 
of fibfib fabrications. 

Gaping Gill, swift to mate errthors, stern to checkself, (diag- 
nosing through eustacetube that it was to make with a markedly 

36 



postpuberal hypertituitary type of Heidelberg mannleich cavern 
ethics) lufted his slopingforward, bad Sweatagore good mur- 
rough and dublnotch on to it as he was greedly obliged, and 
like a sensible ham, with infinite tact in the delicate situation seen 
the touchy nature of its perilous theme, thanked um for guilders 
received and time of day (not a little token abock all the same that 
that was owl the God's clock it was) and, upon humble duty to 
greet his Tyskminister and he shall gildthegap Gaper and thee his 
a mouldy voids, went about his business, whoever it was, saluting 
corpses, as a metter of corse (one could hound him out had one 
hart to for the monticules of scalp and dandruff droppings blaze 
his trail) accompanied by his trusty snorler and his permanent 
reflection, verbigracious; I have met with you, bird, too late, 
or if not, too worm and early: and with tag for ildiot repeated 
in his secondmouth language as many of the bigtimer's verbaten 
words which he could balbly call to memory that same kveldeve, 
ere the hour of the twattering of bards in the twitter litter between 
Druidia and the Deepsleep Sea, when suppertide and souvenir to 
Charlatan Mall jointly kem gently and along the quiet darkenings 
of Grand and Royal, ff, flitmansfluh, and, kk, 't crept i' hedge 
whenas to many a softongue's pawkytalk mude unswer u sufter 
poghyogh, Arvanda always aquiassent, while, studying castelles 
in the blowne and studding cowshots over the noran, he spat in 
careful convertedness a musaic dispensation about his hearthstone^ 
if you please, (Irish saliva, mawshe dho hole^ but would a respect- 
able prominently connected fellow of Iro-European ascendances 
with welldressed ideas who knew the correct thing such as Mr 
Shallwesigh or Mr Shallwelaugh expectorate after such a callous 
fashion, no thank yous! when he had his belcher spuckertuck in his 
pucket, pthuck?) musefed with his thockits after having supped 
of the dish sot and pottage which he snobbishly dabbed Peach 
Bombay (it is rawly only Lukanpukan pilzenpie which she knows 
which senaffed and pibered him), a supreme of excelling peas, 
balled under minnshogue's milk into whitemalt winesour, a pro- 
viant the littlebilker hoarsely relished, chaff it, in the snevel season, 
being as fain o't as your rat wi'fennel; and on this celebrating 

37 



occasion of the happy escape, for a crowning of pot valiance, 
this regional platter, benjamin of bouillis, with a spolish olive to 
middlepoint its zaynith, was marrying itself (porkograso !) ere- 
busqued very deluxiously with a bottle of Phenice-Bruerie '98, 
followed for second nuptials by a Piessporter, Grand Cur, of 
both of which cherished tablelights (though humble the bounquet 
'tis a leaman*s farewell) he obdurately sniffed the cobwebcrusted 
corks. 

Our cad's bit of strife (knee Bareniece Maxwelton) with a quick 
ear for spittoons (as the aftertale hath it) glaned up as usual with 
dumbestic husbandry (no persicks and armelians for thee, Pome- 
ranzia!) but, slipping the clav in her claw, broke of the matter 
among a hundred and eleven others in her usual curtsey (how 
faint these first vhespers womanly are, a secret pispigliando, amad 
the lavurdy den of their manfolker!) the next night nudge one 
as was Hegesippus over a hup a ' chee, her eys dry and small and 
speech thicklish because he appeared a funny colour like he 
couldn't stood they old hens no longer, to her particular reverend, 
the director, whom she had been meaning in her mind primarily 
to speak with (hosch, intra! jist a timblespoon!) trusting, between 
cuppled lips and annie lawrie promises (mighshe never have 
Esnekerry pudden come Hunanov for her pecklapitschens !) that 
the gossiple so delivered in his epistolear, buried teatoastally in 
their Irish stew would go no further than his jesuit's cloth, yet 
(in vinars venitas! volatiles valetotum!) it was this overspoiled 
priest Mr Browne, disguised as a vincentian, who, when seized 
of the facts, was overheard, in his secondary personality as a 
Nolan and underreared, poul soul, by accident — if, that is, the 
incident it was an accident for here the ruah of Ecclectiastes 
of Hippo outpuffs the writress of Hawah-ban-Annah — to 
pianissime a slightly varied version of Crookedribs confidentials, 
(what Mere Aloyse said but for Jesuphine's sake !) hands between 
hahands, in fealty sworn (my bravor best! my fraur!) and, to the 
strains of The Secret of Her Birth, hushly pierce the rubiend 
aurellum of one Philly Thurnston, a layteacher of rural science 
and orthophonethics of a nearstout figure and about the middle 

38 



of his forties during a priestly flutter for safe and sane bets at the 
hippie runfields of breezy Baldoyle on a date (W. W. goes 
through the caid) easily capable of rememberance by all pickers- 
up of events national and Dublin details, the doubles of Perkin 
and Paullock, peer and prole, when the classic Encourage Hackney 
Plate was captured by two noses in a stablecloth finish, ek and nek, 
some and none, evelo nevelo, from the cream colt Bold Boy 
Cromwell after a clever getaway by Captain Chaplain Blount's 
roe hinny Saint Dalough, Drummer Coxon, nondepict third, at 
breakneck odds, thanks to you great little, bonny little, portey 
little, Winny Widger! you're all their nappies! who in his never- 
rip mud and purpular cap was surely leagues unlike any other 
phantomweight that ever toppitt our timber maggies. 

'Twas two pisononse Timcoves (the wetter is pest, the renns are 
overt and come and the voax of the turfur is hurled on our lande) 
of the name of Treacle Tom as was just out of pop following the 
theft of a leg of Kehoe, Donnelly and Packenham's Finnish pork 
and his own blood and milk brother Frisky Shorty, (he was, to be 
exquisitely punctilious about them, both shorty and frisky) a tip- 
ster, come off the hulks, both of them awful poor, what was out 
on the bumaround for an oofbird game for a jimmy o'goblin or 
a small thick un as chanced, while the Seaforths was making the 
colleenbawl, to ear the passon in the motor clobber make use of 
his law language (Edzo, Edzo on), touchin the case of Mr Adams 
what was in all the Sundays about it which he was rubbing noses 
with and having a gurgle off his own along of the butty bloke in 
the specs. 

This Treacle Tom to whom reference has been made had 
been absent from his usual wild and woolly haunts in the land 
of counties capalleens for some time previous to that (he was, in 
fact, in the habit of frequenting common lodginghouses where 
he slept in a nude state, hailfellow with meth, in strange men's 
cots) but on racenight, blotto after divers tots of hell fire, red 
biddy, bull dog, blue ruin and creeping jenny, Eglandine's choic- 
est herbage, supplied by the Duck and Doggies, the Galop- 
ping Primrose, Brigid Brewster's, the Cock, the Postboy's Horn, 

39 



the Little Old Man's and All Swell That Aimswell, the Cup and 
the Stirrup, he sought his wellwarmed leababobed in a hous- 
ingroom Abide With Oneanother at Block W.W., (why didn't 
he back it?) Pump Court, The Liberties, and, what with 
moltapuke on voltapuke, resnored alcoh alcoho alcoherently to 
the burden of / comey my horse delayed, nom num, the sub- 
stance of the tale of the evangelical bussybozzy and the rusinur- 
bean (the 'girls' he would keep calling them for the collarette 
and skirt, the sunbonnet and carnation) in parts (it seemed he 
was before the eyots of martas or otherwales the thirds of fossil- 
years, he having beham with katya when lavinias had her mens 
lease to sea in a psumpship doodly show whereat he was looking 
for fight niggers with whilde roarses) oft in the chilly night (the 
metagonistic ! the epickthalamorous !) during uneasy slumber in 
their hearings of a small and stonybroke cashdraper's executive, 
Peter Cloran (discharged), O'Mara, an exprivate secretary of no 
fixed abode (locally known as Mildew Lisa), who had passed 
several nights, funnish enough, in a doorway under the blankets 
of homelessness on the bunk of iceland, pillowed upon the stone 
of destiny colder than man's knee or woman's breast, and 
Hosty, (no slouch of a name), an illstarred beachbusker, who, 
sans rootie and sans scrapie, suspicioning as how he was setting 
on a twoodstool on the verge of selfabyss, most starved, with 
melancholia over everything in general, (night birman, you served 
him with natigal's nano !) had been towhead tossing on his shake- 
down, devising ways and manners of means, of what he loved 
to ifidalicence somehow or other in the nation getting a hold of 
some chap's parabellum in the hope of taking a wing sociable 
and lighting upon a sidewheel dive somewhere off die Dullkey 
Downlairy and Bleakrooky tramaline where he could throw true 
and go and blow the sibicidal napper off himself for two bits to 
boldywell baltitude in the peace and quitybus of a one sure shot 
bottle, he after having being trying all he knew with the lady's 
help of Madam Gristle for upwards of eighteen calanders to get 
out of Sir Patrick Dun's, through Sir Humphrey Jervis's and 
into the Saint Kevin's bed in the Adelaide's hosspittles (from 

40 



these incurable welleslays among those uncarable wellasdays 
through Sant lago by his cocklehat, good Lazar, deliver us!) 
without after having been able to jerry wangle it any sides. Lisa 
O'Deavis and Roche Mongan (who had so much incommon, 
epipsychidically; if the phrase be permitted hosds et odor insuper 
petroperfr actus) as an understood thing slept their sleep of the 
swimborne in the one sweet undulant mother of tumblerbunks 
with Hosty just how the shavers in the shaw the yokels in the 
yoats or, well, the wasters in the wilde, and the bustling tweeny- 
dawn-of-all-works (meed of anthems here we pant!) had not been 
many jiffies furbishing potlids, doorbrasses, scholars' applecheeks 
and linkboy's metals when, ashhopperminded like no fella he go 
make bakenbeggfuss longa white man, the rejuvenated busker (for 
after a goodnight's rave and rumble and a shinkhams topmorning 
with his coexes he was not the same man) and his broadawake 
bedroom suite (our boys, as our Byron called them) were up 
and ashuffle from the hogshome they lovenaned The Barrel, cross 
Ebblinn's chilled hamlet (thrie routes and restings on their then 
superficies curiously correspondant with those linea and puncta 
where our tubenny habenny metro maniplumbs below the ober- 
flake underrails and stations at this time of riding) to the thrum- 
mings of a crewth fiddle which, cremoaning and cronauning, levey 
grevey, witty and wevey, appy, leppy and playable, caressed the 
ears of the subjects of King Saint Finnerty the Festive who, in 
brick homes of their own and in their flavory fraiseberry beds, 
heeding hardly cry of honeyman, soed lavender or foyneboyne 
salmon alive, with their priggish mouths all open for the larger 
appraisiation of this longawaited Messiagh of roaratorios, were 
only halfpast atsweeeep and after a brisk pause at a pawnbroking 
establishment for the prothetic purpose of redeeming the song- 
ster's truly admirable false teeth and a prolonged visit to a house 
of call at Cujas Place, fizz, the Old Sots' Hole in the parish of 
Saint Cecily within the liberty of Ceolmore not a thousand or one 
national leagues, that was, by Griffith's valuation, from the site 
of the statue of Primewer Glasstone setting a match to the march 
of a maker (last of the stewards peut-etre), where, the tale rambles 

41 



along, the trio of whackfolthediddlers was joined by a further — 
intentions — apply — tomorrow casual and a decent sort of the 
hadbeen variety who had just been touching the weekly insult, 
phewit, and all figblabbers (who saith of noun?) had stimulants 
in the shape of gee and gees stood by the damn decent sort aft^r 
which stag luncheon and a few ones more just to celebrate yester- 
day, flushed with their firestuffostered friendship, the rascals came 
out of the licensed premises, (Browne's first, the small p.s. ex-ex- 
executive capahand in their sad rear like a lady's postscript: I want 
money. Pleasend), wiping their laughleaking lipes on their sleeves, 
how the bouckaleens shout their roscan generally (seinn fion, 
seinn fion's araun.) and the rhymers' world was with reason the 
richer for a wouldbe ballad, to the balledder of which the world 
of cumannity singing owes a tribute for having placed on the 
planet's melomap his lay of the vilest bogeyer but most attrac- 
tionable avatar the world has ever had to explain for. 

This, more krectly lubeen or fellow — me — lieder was first 
poured forth where Riau Liviau riots and col de Houdo humps, 
under the shadow of the monument of the shouldhavebeen legis- 
lator (Eleutheriodendron ! Spare, woodmann, spare !) to an over- 
flow meeting of all the nations in Lenster fullyfilling the visional 
area and, as a singleminded supercrowd, easily representative, 
what with masks, whet with faces, of all sections and cross sections 
(wineshop and cocoahouse poured out to brim up the broaching) 
of our lifieyside people (to omit to mention of the mainland mino- 
rity and such as had wayfared via Watling, Ernin, Icknild and 
Stane, in chief a halted cockney car with its quotal of Hardmuth's 
hacks, a northern tory, a southern whig, an eastanglian chroni- 
cler and a landwester guardian) ranging from slips of young 
dublinos from Cutpurse Row having nothing better to do than 
walk about with their hands in their kneepants, sucking air- 
whackers, weedulicet, jumbobricks, side by side with truant 
officers, three woollen balls and poplin in search of a croust of 
pawn to busy professional gentlemen, a brace of palesmen with 
dundrearies, nooning toward Daly's, fresh from snipehitting and 
mallardmissing on Rutland heath, exchanging cold sneers, mass- 

4^ 



going ladies from Hume Street in their chairs, the bearers baited, 
some wandering hamalags out of the adjacent cloverfields of 
Mosse's Gardens, an oblate father from Skinner's Alley, brick- 
layers, a fleming, in tabinet fumant, with spouse and dog, an aged 
hammersmith who had some chisellers by the hand, a bout of 
cudgel players, not a few sheep with the braxy, two bluecoat 
scholars, four broke gents out of Simpson's on the Rocks, a 
portly and a pert still tassing Turkey Coffee and orange shrub in 
tickeyes door, Peter Pim and Paul Fry and then Elliot and, O, 
Atkinson, suffering hell's delights from the blains of their annui- 
tants' acorns not forgetting a deuce of dianas ridy fbr the hunt, a 
particularist prebendary pondering on the roman easter, the ton- 
sure question and greek uniates, plunk em, a lace lappet head or 
two or three or four from a window, and so on down to a few good 
old souls, who, as they were juiced after taking their pledge over at 
the uncle's place, were evidently under the spell of liquor, from the 
wake of Tarry the Tailor a fair girl, a jolly postoboy thinking off 
three flagons and one, a plumodrole, a half sir from the weaver's 
almshouse who clings and clings and chatchatchat clings to her, a 
wholedam's cloudhued pittycoat, as child, as curiolater, as Caoch 
O'Leary. The wararrow went round, so it did, (a nation wants 
a gaze) and the ballad, in the felibrine trancoped metre affectioned 
by Taiocebo in his Casudas de Poulichinello Artahut^ stump- 
stampaded on to a slip of blancovide and headed by an excessively 
rough and red woodcut, privately printed at the rimepress of 
Delville, soon fluttered its secret on white highway and brown 
byway to the rose of the winds and the blew of the gaels, from 
archway to lattice and from black hand to pink ear, village crying 
to village, through the five pussyfours green of the united states 
of Scotia Picta — and he who denays it, may his hairs be rubbed 
in dirt! To the added strains (so peacifold) of his majesty the 
flute, that onecrooned king of inscrewments, Piggott's purest, ciello 
alsoliuto^ which Mr Delaney (Mr Delacey?), horn, anticipating 
a perfect downpour of plaudits among the rapsods, piped 
out of his decentsoort hat, looking still more like his purseyful 
namesake as men of Gaul noted, but before of to sputabout, the 

43 



snowycrested curl amoist the leader's wild and moulting hair, 
'Ductor' Hitchcock hoisted his fezzy fuzz at bludgeon's height 
signum to his companions of the chalice for the Loud Fellow, 
boys' and silentium in curia/ (our maypole once more where he rose 
of old) and the canto was chantied there chorussed and christened 
where by the old tollgate. Saint Annona's Street and Church. 

And around the lawn the rann it rann and this is the rann that 
Hosty made. Spoken. Boyles and Cahills, Skerretts and Pritchards, 
viersified and piersified may the treeth we tale of live in stoney. 
Here line the refrains of. Some vote him Vike, some mote him 
Mike, some dub him Llyn and Phin while others hail him Lug 
Bug Dan Lop, Lex, Lax, Gunne or Guinn. Some apt him Arth, 
some bapt him Earth, Coll, Noll, Soil, Will, Weel, Wall but I 
parse him Persse O'Reilly else he's called no name at all. To- 
gether. Arrah, leave it to Hosty, frosty Hosty, leave it to Hosty 
for he's the mann to rhyme the rann, the rann, the rann, the king 
of all ranns. Have you here.'^ (Some ha) Have we where.'* (Some 
hant) Have you hered.^ (Others do) Have we whered.'* (Others dont) 
'7 'It's cumming, it's brumming! The clip, the clop! (All cla) Glass 
crash. The (klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrotty- 
graddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!). 

[Ardite^ arditi! 

iMusic 



cue. 



" The Ballad of Persse O'Reilly." 



Have ijoa heard, of one Hiunp - ty Dump-tij how he 



fell with a roll and a ram ble and curled uj> like Lord O-la-Jxt 



Ma^ ' a - zine Wall Hump, hel-tnet and all DaCLjn 



Crum ple btj the butt of the Maj-a-zine Wall of the 



44 



Have you heard of one Humpty Dumpty 
How he fell with a roll and a rumble 
And curled up like Lord Olofa Crumple 
By the butt of the Magazine Wall, 
(Chorus) Of the Magazine Wall, 
Hump, helmet and all? 

He was one time our King of the Castle \ ^ 

Now he's kicked about like a rotten old parsnip. 
And from Green street he'll be sent by order of His Worship 
To the penal jail of Mountjoy 

(Chorus) To the jail of Mount] oy! ^ ,>^ 

Jail him and joy. 

He was fafafather of all schemes for to bother us ^ 
Slow coaches and immaculate contraceptives for the populace, 
Mare's milk for the sick, seven dry Sundays a week, 
Openair love and religion's reform, 
(Chorus) And religious reform, 
Hideous in form. 



Arrah, why, says you, couldn't he manage it.'^ 
I'll go bail, my fine dairyman darling. 
Like the bumping bull of the Cassidys 
All your butter is in your horns. 

(Chorus) His butter is in his horns. 
Butter his horns ! 

(Repeat) Hurrah there, Hosty, frosty Hosty, change that shirt 

[on ye. 

Rhyme the rann, the king of all ranns! 

Balbaccio^ halbuccio! 
We had chaw chaw chops, chairs, chewing gum, the chicken- 

[pox and china chambers 
Universally provided by this soffsoaping salesman. 

45 



Small wonder He'll Cheat E'erawan our local lads nicknamed him 
When Chimpden first took the floor 

(Chorus) "With his bucketshop store 
Down Bargain weg, Lower. 

So snug he was in his hotel premises sumptuous 
But soon we'll bonfire all his trash, tricks and trumpery 
And'tis short till sheriff Clancy'll be winding up his unlimited 

[company 

With the bailiff's bom at the door, 
(Chorus) Bimbam at the door. 

Then he'll bum no more. 
Sweet bad luck on the waves washed to our island 
The hooker of that hammerfast viking pO^ - 

And Gall's curse on the day when Eblana bay f 
Saw his black and tan man-o'-war. 
(Chorus) Saw his man-o'-war. 

On the harbour bar. 

Where from? roars Poolbeg. Cookingha'pence, he bawls Donnez- 

[moi scampitle, wick an wipin'fampiny 
Fingal Mac Oscar Onesine Bargearse Boniface 
Thok's min gammelhole Norveegickers moniker 
Og as ay are at gammelhore Norveegickers cod. 
(Chorus) A Norwegian camel old cod. 
He is, begod. 

Lift it, Hosty, lift it, ye devil ye! up with the rann, the rhyming 

[rann ! 

It was during some fresh water garden pumping 

Or, according to the Nursing Mirror, while admiring the mon- 

[keys 

That our heavyweight heathen Humpharey 
Made bold a maid to woo 

(Chorus) Woohoo, what'll she doo! 

The general lost her maidenloo! 
46 



1% 



J. i^-^ 



He ought to blush for himself, the old hayheaded philosopher, 
For to go and shove himself that way on top of her. 
Begob, he's the crux of the catalogue \ /) 
Of our antediluvial zoo, 

(Chorus) Messrs. Billing and Coo. 

Noah's larks, good as noo. 

He was joulting by Wellinton's monument j 
Our rotorious hippopopotamuns 

When some bugger let down the backtrap of the omnibus 
And he caught his death of fusiliers, — - — ~ ^ knij^y ^k^^tir^ e/^ 
(Chorus) With his rent in his rears. 
Give him six years. 

'Tis sore pity for his innocent poor children 
But look out for his missus legitimate! 
When that frew gets a grip of old Earwicker 
Won't there be earwigs on the green.'^ 
(Chorus) Big earwigs on the green. 

The largest ever you seen. -t^<^ 

Suffoclose! Shikespower! Seudodanto! Anonymoses! 

Then we'll have a free trade Gaels' band and mass meeting ^ ^^^^ 

For to sod the brave son of Scandiknavery. ^ 
And we'll bury him down in Oxmanstown 
Along with the devil and Danes, viv^^v^ 
(Chorus) With the deaf and dumb Danes, 
And all their remains. 

And not all the king's men nor his horses 
Will resurrect his corpus 

For there's no true spell in Connacht or hell ^^^^v v^-^^^'^ '^^ 



(bis) That's able to raise a Cain. — - — ' _ > 



47 




Chest Cee! 'Sdense! Corpo di barragio! you spoof of visibility 
in a freakfog, of mixed sex cases among goats, hill cat and plain 
mousey, Bigamy Bob and his old Shanvocht! The Blackfriars 
treacle plaster outrage be liddled ! Therewith was released in that 
kingsrick of Humidia a poisoning volume of cloud barrage indeed. 
Yet all they who heard or redelivered are now with that family 
of bards and Vergobretas himself and the crowd of Caraculacticors 
as much no more a^ be they not yet now or had they then not- 
ever been. Canbe in some future we shall presently here amid 
those zouave players of Inkermann the rnime mumming the mick 
and his nick miming their maggies, Hilton St Just (Mr Frank 
Smith), Ivanne Ste Austelle (Mr J. F. Jones), Coleman of Lucan 
taking four parts, a choir of the O'Daley O'Doyles doublesixing 
the chorus in Fenn Mac Call and the Serven Feeries of Loch Neach^ 
Galloper Troppler and Hurleyquinn the zitherer of the past with his 
merrymen all, zimzim, zimzim. Of the persins sin this Eyrawyg- 
gla saga (which, thorough readable to int from and, is from tubb 
to buttom all falsetissues, antilibellous and nonactionable and this 
applies to its whole wholume) of poor Osti-Fosti, described as 
quite a musical genius in a small way and the owner of an 
exceedingly niced ear, with tenorist voice to match, not alone, 
but a very major poet of the poorly meritary order (he began 
Tuonisonian but worked his passage up as far as the we-all- 
hang-together Animandovites) no one end is known. If they 

48 



whistled him before he had curtains up they are whistling him 
still after his curtain's doom's doom. Eifii. His husband, poor old 
A'Hara (Okaroff?) crestfallen by things and down at heels at the 
time, they squeak, accepted the (Zassnoch!) ardree's shilling at 
the conclusion of the Crimean war and, having flown his wild 
geese, alohned in crowds to warnder on like Shuley Luney, 
enlisted in Tyrone's horse, the Irish whites, and soldiered a bit 
with Wolsey under the assumed name of Blanco Fusilovna Buck- 
lovitch (spurious) after which the cawer and the marble halls 
of Pump Court Columbarium, the home of the old seakings, 
looked upon each other and queth their haven evermore for it 
transpires that on the other side of the water it came about that on 
the field of Vasileff's Cornix inauspiciously with his unit he 
perished, saying, this papal leafless to old chap give, rawl chaw- 
clates for mouther-in-louth. Booil. Poor old dear Paul Horan, 
to satisfy his literary as well as his criminal aspirations, at the 
suggestion thrown out by the doomster in loquacity lunacy, so 
says the Dublin Intelligence, was thrown into a Ridley's for 
inmates in the northern counties. Under the name of Orani he 
may have been the utility man of the troupe capable of sustain- 
ing long parts at short notice. He was. Sordid Sam, a dour decent 
deblancer, the unwashed, haunted always by his ham, the unwished, 
at a word from Israfel the Summoner, passed away painlessly 
after life's upsomdowns one hallowe'en night, ebbrous and in 
the state of nature, propelled from Behind into the great Beyond 
by footblows coulinclouted upon his oyster and atlas on behanged 
and behooved and behicked and behulked of his last fishandblood 
bedscrappers, a Northwegian and his mate of the Sheawolving 
class. Though the last straw glimt his baring this stage thunkhard 
is said (the pitfallen gagged him as 'Promptboxer') to have 
solemnly said — as had the brief thot but fell in till his head like 
a bass dropt neck fust in till a bung crate (cogged!): Me drames, 
O'Loughlins, has come through! Now let the centuple celves of 
my egourge as Micholas de Cusack calls them, — of all of whose 
I in my hereinafter of course by recourse demission me — by 
the coincidance of their contraries reamalgamerge in that indentity 

49 



of undiscernibles where the Baxters and the Fleshmans may 
they cease to bidivil uns and (but at this poingt though the iron 
thrust of his cockspurt start might have prepared us we are well- 
nigh stinkpotthered by the mustardpunge in the tailend) this 
outandin brown candlestock melt Nolan's into peese! Han var. 
Disliken as he was to druriodrama, her wife Langley, the prophet, 
and the decentest dozendest short of a frusker whoever stuck his 
spickle through his spoke, disappeared, (in which toodooing he 
has taken all the French leaves unveilable out of Calomne- 
quiller's Pravities) from the sourface of this earth, that austral 
plain he had transmaried himself to, so entirely spoorlessly (the 
mother of the book with a dustwhisk tabularasing his obliteration 
done upon her involucrum) as to tickle the speculative to all but 
opine (since the Levey who might have been Langley may have 
really been a redivivus of paganinism or a volunteer Vousden) 
that the hobo (who possessed a large amount of the humoresque) 
had transtuled his funster's latitat to its finsterest interrimost. Bhi 
she. Again, if Father San Browne, tea and toaster to that quaint- 
esttest of yarnspinners is Padre Don Bruno, treu and troster to 
the queen of lar-Spain, was the reverend, the sodality director, 
that eupeptic viceflayer, a barefaced carmelite, to whose palpi- 
tating pulpit (which of us but remembers the rarevalent and 
hornerable Fratomistor Nawlanmore and Brawne.) sinning society 
sirens (see the [Roman Catholic] presspassim) fortunately became 
so enthusiastically attached and was an objectionable ass who very 
occasionally cockaded a raffles ticket on his hat which he wore all 
to one side like the hangle of his pan (if Her Elegance saw him 
she'd have the canary!) and was semiprivately convicted of mal- 
practices with his hotwashed tableknife (glossing over the cark 
in his pocket) that same snob of the dunhill, fully several year- 
schaums riper, encountered by the General on that redletter 
morning or maynoon jovesday and were they? Fuitfuit. 

When Phishlin Phil wants throws his lip 'tis pholly to be fortune 
flonting and whoever's gone to mix Hotel by the salt say water 
there's nix to nothing we can do for he's never again to sea. It 
is nebuless an autodidact fact of the commonest that the shape of 

50 



I 



tile average human cloudyphiz, whereas sallow has long daze 
faded, frequently altered its ego with the possing of the showers 
(Not original!). Whence it is a slopperish matter, given the wet 
and low visibility (since in this scherzarade of one's thousand one 
nightinesses that sword of certainty which would indentifide the 
body never falls) to idendifine the individuone in scratch wig, 
squarecuts, stock lavaleer, regattable oxeter, baggy pants and 
shufflers (he is often alluded to as Slypatrick, the Had in the llane) 
with already an incipience (lust!) in the direction of area baldness 
(one is continually firstmeeting with odd sorts of others at all 
sorts of ages!) who was asked by free boardschool shirkers in 
drenched coats overawall, Will, Conn and Otto, to tell them 
overagait. Vol, Pov and Dev, that fishabed ghoatstory of the 
haardly creditable edventyres of the Haberdasher, the two Cur- 
chies and the three Enkelchums in their Bearskin ghoats! Girles 
and jongers, but he has changed alok syne Thorkill's time! Ya, da, 
tra, gathery, pimp, shesses, shossafat, okodeboko, nine! Those 
many warts, those slummy patches, halfsinster wrinkles, (what 
has come over the face on wholebroader E?), and (shrine of 
Mount Mu save us!) the large fungopark he has grown! Drink! 

Sport's a common thing. It was the Lord's own day for damp 
(to wait for a postponed regatta's eventualising is not of Battlecock 
Shettledore - Juxta - Mare only) and the request for a fully 
armed explanation was put (in Loo of Pat) to the porty (a native 
of the sisterisle — Meathman or Meccan.'* — by his brogue, ex- 
race eyes, lokil calour and lucal odour which are said to have 
been average clownturkish (though the capelist's voiced nasal 
liquids and the way he sneezed at zees haul us back to the craogs 
and bryns of the Silurian Ordovices) who, the lesser pilgrimage 
accomplished, had made, pats' and pigs' older inselt, the south- 
east bluffs of the stranger stepshore, a regifugium persecutorurriy 
hence hindquarters) as he paused at evenchime for some or so 
minutes (hit the pipe, dannyboy! Time to won, barmon. I'll take 
ten to win.) amid the devil's one duldrum (Apple by her blossom 
window and Charlotte at her toss panomancy his sole admirers, 
his only tearts in store) for a fragrend culubosh during his week- 

51 



end pastime of executing with Anny Oakley deadliness (the con- 
summatory pairs of provocatives, of which remained provokingly 
but two, the ones he fell for, Lili and Tutu, cork em!) empties 
which had not very long before contained Reid's family (you ruad 
that before, soaky, but all the bottles in sodemd histry will not 
soften your bloodathirst!) stout. Having reprimed his repeater 
and resiteroomed his timespiece His Revenances, with still a life 
or two to spare for the space of his occupancy of a world at a time, 
rose to his feet and there, far from Tolkaheim, in a quiet English 
garden (commonplace!), since known as Whiddington Wild, his 
simple intensive curolent vocality, my dearbraithers, my most 
dearbrathairs, as he, so is a supper as is a sipper, spake of the 
One and told of the Compassionate, called up before the triad of 
precoxious scaremakers (scoretaking: Spegulo ne helpas al mal- 
bellulo, Mi Kredas ke vi estas prava. Via dote la vizago rispondas 
fraulino) the now to ushere mythical habiliments of Our Farfar 
and Arthor of our doyne. 

Television kills telephony in brothers' broil. Our eyes de- 
mand their turn. Let them be seen! And wolf bone balefires blaze 
the trailmost if only that Mary Nothing may burst her bibby 
buckshee. When they set fire then she's got to glow so we may 
stand some chances of warming to what every soorkabatcha, 
tum or hum, would like to know. The first Humphrey's latitu- 
dinous baver with puggaree behind, (calaboose belong bigboss 
belong Kang the Toll) his fourinhand bow, his elbaroom surtout, 
the refaced unmansionables of gingerine hue, the state slate 
umbrella, his gruff woolselywellesly with the finndrinn knopfs 
and the gauntlet upon the hand which in an hour not for him 
solely evil had struck down the might he mighthavebeen d'Est- 
erre of whom his nation seemed almost already to be about to 
have need. Then, stealing his thunder, but in the befitting le- 
gomena of the smaller country, (probable words, possibly said, of 
field family gleaming) a bit duskish and flavoured with a smile, 
seein as ow his thoughts consisted chiefly of the cheerio, he aptly 
sketched for our soontobe second parents (sukand see whybe!) 
the touching seene. The solence of that stilling! Here one might 

52 



a fin fell. Boomster rombombonant ! It scenes like a landescape 
from Wildu Picturescu or some seem on some dimb Arras, dumb 
as Mum's mutyness, this mimage of the seventyseventh kusin of 
kristansen is odable to os across the wineless Ere no oedor nor 
mere eerie nor liss potent of suggestion than in the tales of the 
tingmount. (Prigged!) 

And there oftafter, jauntyjogging, on an Irish visavis, instea- 
dily with shoulder to shoulder Jehu will tell to Christianier, saint 
to sage, the humphriad of that fall and rise while daisy winks at 
her pinker sister among the tussocks and the copoll between the 
shafts mocks the couple on the car. And as your who may look 
like how on the owther side of his big belttry your tyrs and does 
your noes and paradigm maymay rererise in eren. Follow we up 
his whip vindicative. Thurston's! Lo behold! La arhoro^ lo 
petrusu. The augustan peacebetothem oaks, the monolith rising 
stark from the moonlit pinebarren. In all fortitudinous ajaxious 
rowdinoisy tenuacity. The angelus hour with ditchers bent upon 
their farm usetensiles, the soft belling of the fallow deers {doereh- 
moose genuanef) advertising their milky approach as midnight 
was striking the hours (letate!\ and how brightly the great tri- 
bune outed the sharkskin smokewallet (imitation!) from his 
frock, kippers, and by Joshua, he tips un a topping swank 
cheroot, none of your swellish soide, quoit the reverse, and how 
manfally he says, pluk to pluk and lekan for lukan, he was to just 
pluggy well suck that brown boyo, my son, and spend a whole 
half hour in Havana. Sorer of the kreeksmen, would not thore be 
old high gothsprogue ! Wherefore he met Master, he mean to say, 
he do, sire, bester of redpublicans, at Eagle Cock Hostel on 
Lorenzo Tooley street and how he wished his Honour the ban- 
nocks of Gort and Morya and Bri Head and Puddyrick, yore 
Loudship, and a starchboxsitting in the pit of his St Tomach's, 
— a strange wish for you, my friend, and it would poleaxe your 
sonson's grandson utterly though your own old sweatandswear 
floruerunts heaved it hoch many as the times, when they were 
turrified by the hitz. 

Chee chee cheers for Upkingbilly and crow cru cramwells 

53 



Downaboo! Hup, boys, and hat him! See! Oilbeam they're lost 
we've found rerembrandtsers, their hours to date link these heirs 
to here but wowhere are those yours of Yestersdays? Farseeinge- 
therich and Poolaulwoman Charachthercuss and his Ann van 
Vogt. D.e.e.d! Edned, ended or sleeping soundlessly? Favour 
with your tongues! Intenditef 

Any dog's life you list you may still hear them at it, like sixes 
and seventies as eversure as Halley's comet, ulemamen, sobran- 
jewomen, storthingboys and dumagirls, as they pass its bleak and 
bronze portal of your Casaconcordia: Huru more Nee, minny 
frickans? Hwoorledes har Dee det? Losdoor onleft mladies, cue. 
Millecientotrigintadue scudi. Tippoty, kyrie, tippoty. Cha kai 
rotty kai makkar, sahib? Despenseme Usted, senhor, en son suc- 
co, sabez. O thaw bron orm, A'Cothraige, thinkinthou gaily? 
Lick-Pa-flai-hai-pa-Pa-li-si-lang-lang. Epi alo, ecou. Batiste, tu- 
vavnr dans Lptit boing going. Ismeme de bumbac e meias de por- 
tocallie. 0.0. Os pipos mios es demasiada gruarso por O pic- 
colo pocchino. Wee fee? Ung duro. Kocshis, szabad? Mercy, and 
you? Gomagh, thak. 

And, Cod, says he with mugger's tears: Would you care to 
know the prise of a Hard? Maggis, nick your nightynovel! Mass 
Travener's at the mike again! And that bag belly is the buck 
to goat it! Meggeg, m'gay chapjappy fellow, I call our univalse 
to witness, as sicker as moyliffey eggs is known by our good 
househalters from yorehunderts of mamooth to be which they 
commercially are in ahoy high British quarters (conventional!) 
my guesthouse and cowhaendel credits will immediately stand 
ohoh open as straight as that neighbouring monument's fabrica- 
tion before the hygienic gUll (this was where the reverent sab- 
both and bottlebreaker with firbalk forthstretched touched upon 
his tricoloured boater, which he uplifted by its pickledhoopy (he 
gave Stetson one and a penny for it) whileas oleaginosity of an- 
cestralolosis sgocciolated down the both pendencies of his mut- 
sohito liptails (Sencapetulo, a more modestuous conciliabulite 
never curled a torn pocketmouth), cordially inwiting the adul- 
lescence who he was wising up to do in like manner what all did 

54 



I 



so as he was able to add) lobe before the Great Schoolmaster's. 
(I tell you no story.) Smile! 

The house of Atreox is fallen indeedust (Ilyam, Ilyum! Mae- 
romor Mournomates !) averging on blight like the mundibanks of 
Fennyana, but deeds bounds going arise again. Life, he himself 
said once, (his biografiend, in fact, kills him verysoon, if yet not, 
after) is a wake, livit or krikit, and on the bunk of our bread- 
winning lies the cropse of our seedfather, a phrase which the 
establisher of the world by law might pretinately write across 
the chestfront of all manorwombanborn. The scene, refreshed, 
reroused, was never to be forgotten, the hen and crusader ever- 
intermutuomergent, for later in the century one of that puisne 
band of factferreters, (then an excivily (out of the custom huts) 
(retired), (hurt), under the sixtyfives act) in a dressy black modern 
style and wewere shiny tan burlingtons, (tam, homd and dicky, 
quopriquos and peajagd) rehearsed it, pippa pointing, with a 
dignified (copied) bow to a namecousin of the late archdeacon 
F. X. Preserved Coppinger (a hot fellow in his night, may the 
mouther of guard have mastic on him!) in a pullwoman of our 
first transhibernian with one still sadder circumstance which is a 
dirkandurk heartskewerer if ever to bring bouncing brimmers 
from marbled eyes. Cycloptically through the windowdisks and 
with eddying awes the round eyes of the rundreisers, back to back, 
buck to bucker, on their airish chaunting car, beheld with in- 
touristing anterestedness the clad pursue the bare, the bare the 
green, the green the frore, the frore the cladagain, as their convoy 
wheeled encirculingly abound the gigantig's lifetree, our fire- 
leaved loverlucky blomsterbohm, phoenix in our woodlessness, 
haughty, cacuminal, erubescent (repetition!) whose roots they be 
asches with lustres of peins. For as often as the Archicadenus, 
pleacing aside his Irish Field and craving their auriculars to re- 
cepticle particulars before they got the bump at Castlebar (mat 
and far!) spoke of it by request all, hearing in this new reading 
of the part whereby, because of Dyas in his machina, the new 
garrickson's grimacing grimaldism hypostasised by substintua- 
tion the axiomatic orerotundity of that once grand old elrington 

55 



bawl, the copycus's description of that fellowcommuter's plav 
upon countenants, could simply imagine themselves in their bo- 
som's inmost core, as pro tern locums^ timesported acorss the yawn- 
ing (abyss), as once they were seasiders, listening to the cockshy- 
shooter's evensong evocation of the doomed but always ventri- 
loquent Agitator, (nonot more plangorpound the billows o'er 
Thounawahallya Reef!) silkhouatted, a whallrhosmightiadd, a- 
ginsst the dusk of skumring, (would that fane be Saint Muezzin's 
calling — holy places ! — and this fez brimless as brow of faithful 
toucher of the ground, did wish it were — blessed be the bones ! 
— the ghazi, power of his sword.) his manslayer's gunwielder 
protended towards that overgrown leadpencil which was soon, 
monumentally at least, to rise as Molyvdokondylon to, to be, to 
be his mausoleum (O'dan stod tillsteyne at meisies aye skould 
show pon) while olover his exculpatory features, as Roland rung, 
a wee dropeen of grief about to sillonise his jouejous, the ghost 
of resignation diffused a spectral appealingness, as a young man's 
drown o'er the fate of his waters may gloat, similar in origin and 
akkurat in effective to a beam of sunshine upon a coffin plate. 

Not olderwise Inn the days of the Bygning would our Travel- 
ler remote, unfriended, from van Demon's Land, some lazy 
skald or maundering pote, lift wearywilly his slowcut snobsic 
eyes to the semisigns of his zooteac and lengthily lingering along 
flaskneck, cracket cup, downtrodden brogue, turfsod, wild- 
broom, cabbageblad, stockfisch, longingly learn that there at the 
Angel were herberged for him poteen and tea and praties and 
baccy and wine width woman wordth warbling: and informally 
quasi-begin to presquesm'ile to queasithin' (Nonsense! There 
was not very much windy Nous blowing at the given moment 
through the hat of Mr Melancholy Slow!) 

But in the pragma what formal cause made a smile of that to- 
think.'^ Who was he to whom.'* (O'Breen's not his name nor the 
brown one his maid.) Whose are the placewheres.'* Kiwasti, kis- 
ker, kither, kitnabudja.^ Tal the tem of the tumulum. Giv the gav 
of the grube. Be it cudgelplayers' country, orfishfellows' town or 
leeklickers' land or panbpanungopovengreskey. What regnans 

56 



I 



I 



raised the rains have levelled but we hear the pointers and can 
gauge their compass for the melos yields the mode and the mode 
the manners plicyman, plansiman, plousiman, plab. Tsin tsin tsin 
tsin! The forefarther folkers for a prize of two peaches with 
Ming, Ching and Shunny on the lie low lea. We'll sit down on 
the hope of the ghouly ghost for the titheman troubleth but his 
hantitat hies not here. They answer from their Zoans; Hear the 
four of them! Hark torroar of them! I, says Armagh, and a'm 
proud o'it. I, says Clonakilty, God help us ! I, says Deansgrange, 
and say nothing. I, says Barna, and whatabout it? Hee haw! Be- 
fore he fell hill he filled heaven: a stream, alplapping streamlet, 
coyly coiled um, cool of her curls: We were but thermites then, 
wee, wee. Our antheap we sensed as a Hill of Allen, the Barrow 
for an People, one Jotnursfjaell: and it was a grummelung amung 
the porktroop that wonderstruck us as a thunder, yunder. 

Thus the unfacts, did we possess them, are too imprecisely 
few to warrant our certitude, the evidencegivers by legpoll too 
untrustworthily irreperible where his adjugers are semmingly 
freak threes but his judicandees plainly minus twos. Neverthe- 
less Madam's Toshowus waxes largely more lifeliked (entrance, 
one kudos; exits, free) and our notional gullery is now com- 
pletely complacent, an exegious monument, aerily perennious. 
Oblige with your blackthorns; gamps, degrace! And there many 
have paused before that exposure of him by old Tom Quad, a 
flashback in which he sits sated, gowndabout, in clericalease ha- 
bit, watching bland sol slithe dodgsomely into the nethermore, 
a globule of maugdleness about to corrugitate his mild dewed 
cheek and the tata of a tiny victorienne, Alys, pressed by his 
limper looser. 

Yet certes one is. Eher the following winter had overed the 
pages of nature's book and till Ceadurbar-atta-Cleath became 
Dablena Tertia, the shadow of the huge outlander, maladik, mult- 
vult, magnoperous, had bulked at the bar of a rota of tribunals in 
manor hall as in thieves' kitchen, mid pillow talk and chithouse 
chat, on Marlborough Green as through Molesworth Fields, here 
sentenced pro tried with Jedburgh justice, there acquitted con- 

57 



testimony with benefit of clergy. His Thing Mod have undone 
him: and his madthing has done him man. His beneficiaries are 
legion in the part he created: they number up his years. Greatwheel 
Dunlop was the name was on him: behung, all we are his bisaacles. 
As hollyday in his house so was he priest and king to that: ulvy 
came, envy saw, ivy conquered. Lou! Lou! They have waved his 
green boughs o'er him as they have torn him limb from lamb. 
For his muertificarion and uxpiration and dumnation and annu- 
hulation. With schreis and grida, deprofound souspirs. Steady, 
sullivans! Mannequins pause! Longtong*s breach is fallen down 
but Graunya's spreed's abroad. Ahdostay, feedailyones, and feel 
the Flucher*s bawls for the total of your flouts is not fit to fan his 
fettle, O! Have a ring and sing wohl! Chin, chin! Chin, chin! 
And of course all chimed din width the eatmost boviality. Swip- 
ing rums and beaunes and sherries and ciders and negus and cit- 
ronnades too. The strongers. Oho, oho, Mester Begge, you're 
about to be bagged in the bog again. Bugge. But softsies seuf- 
sighed: Eheu, for gassies! But, lo! lo! by the threnning gods, 
human, erring and condonable, what the statues of our kuo, who 
is the messchef be our kuang, ashu ashure there, the unforgettable 
treeshade looms up behind the jostling judgements of those, as 
all should owe, malrecapturable days. 

Tap and pat and tapatagain, (fire firstshot, Missiers the Refusel- 
eers! Peingpeong! For saxonlootie !) three tommix, soldiers free, 
cockaleak and cappapee, of the Coldstream. Guards were walking, 
in {pardonnei-leur^ je vous en prie^ eh?) Montgomery Street. One 
voiced an opinion in which on either wide {pardonnei/\ nod- 
ding, all the Finner Camps concurred {je vous en prie^ ehF), It 
was the first woman, they said, souped him, that fatal wellesday, 
Lili Coninghams, by suggesting him they go in a field. Wroth 
mod eldfar, ruth redd stilstand, wrath wrackt wroth, confessed 
private Pat Marchison retro, (Terse!) Thus contenters with san- 
toys play. One of our coming Vauxhall ontheboards who is 
resting for the moment (she has been callit by a noted stagey ele- 
cutioner a wastepacket Sittons) was interfeud in a waistend pewty 
parlour. Looking perhaps even more pewtyflushed in her cherry- 

58 



I 



deny padouasoys, girdle and braces by the Halfmoon and Seven 
Stars, russets from the Blackamoor's Head, amongst the climbing 
boys at his Eagle and Child and over the corn and hay emptors 
at their Black and All Black, Mrs F . . . A . . . saidaside, half in 
stage of whisper to her confidante glass, while recoopering her 
cartwheel chapot (ahat! — and we now know what thimbles a 
baquets on lallance a tails mean), she hoped Sid Arthar would 
git a Chrissman's portrout of orange and lemonsized orchids with 
hollegs and ether, from the feeatre of the Innocident, as the 
worryld had been uncained. Then, while it is odrous comparison- 
ing to the sprangflpwers of his burstday which was a virid- 
able goddinpotty for the reinworms and the charlattinas and all 
branches of climatitis, it has been such a wanderful noyth untirely, 
added she, with many regards to Maha's pranjapansies. (Tart!) 
Prehistoric, obitered to his dictaphone an entychologist: his pro- 
penomen is a properismenon. A dustman nocknamed Seven- 
churches in the employ of Messrs Achburn, Soulpetre and 
Ashreborn, prairmakers, Glintalook, was asked by the sisterhood 
the vexed question during his midday collation of leaver and 
buckrom alternatively with stenk and kitteney phie in a hash- 
housh and, thankeaven, responsed impulsively: We have just been 
propogandering his nullity suit and what they took out of his ear 
among my own crush. All our fellows at 0'Dea*s sages with 
Aratar Calaman he is a cemented brick, buck it all! A more nor 
usually sober cardriver, who was jauntingly hosing his runabout. 
Ginger Jane, took a strong view. Lorry hosed her as he talked 
and this is what he told rewritemen: Irewaker is just a plain pink 
joint reformee in private life but folks all have it by brehemons 
laws he has parliamentary honours. Eiskaffier said (Louigi's, you 
know that man*s, brillant Savourain): Mon foicy you wish to ave 
some homelette, yes, lady ! Good, mein leber ! Your hegg he must 
break himself. See, I crack, so, he sit in the poele, umbedimbt! 
A perspirer (over sixty) who was keeping up his tennises panted 
he kne ho har twa to elect infamatios but a difFpair flannels climb 
wall and trespassing on doorbell. After fullblown Braddon hear 
this fresky troterella! A railways barmaid's view (they call her 

59 



Spilltears Rue) was thus expressed: to sympathisers of the Dole 
Line, Death Avenue, anent those objects of her pity-prompted 
ministrance, to wet, man and his syphon. Ehim! It is ever too 
late to whissle when Phyllis floods her stable. It would be skar- 
lot shame to jailahim in lockup, as was proposed to him by the 
Seddoms creature what matter what merrytricks went off with 
his revulverher in connections with ehim being a norphan and 
enjoining such wicked illth, ehim! Well done, Drumcollakill ! 
Kitty Tyrrel is proud of you, was the reply of a B.O.T. official 
(O blame gnot the board!) while the Daughters Benkletter mur- 
mured in uniswoon: Golforgilhisjurylegs! Brian Lynsky, the cub 
curser, was questioned at his shouting box, Bawlonabraggat, and 
gave a snappy comeback, when saying: Paw! Once more FU 
hellbowl ! I am for caveman chase and Sahara sex, burk you ! Them 
two bitches ought to be leashed, canem! Up hog and hoar hunt! 
Paw! A wouldbe martyr, who is attending on sanit Asitas where 
he is being taught to wear bracelets, when grilled on the point, 
revealed the undoubted fact that the consequence would be that 
so long as Sankya Moondy played his mango tricks under the 
mysttetry, with shady apsaras sheltering in his leaves' licence and 
his shadowers torrifried by the potent bolts of indradiction, there 
would be fights all over Cuxhaven. (Tosh!) Missioner Ida Womb- 
well, the seventeenyearold revivalist, said concerning the coinci- 
dent of interfizzing with grenadines and other respectable and 
disgusted peersons using the park: That perpendicular person is 
a brut! But a magnificent brut! 'Caligula (Mr Danl Magrath, 
bookmaker, wellknown to Eastrailian poorusers of the Sydney 
Parade Ballotin) was, as usual, antipodal with his: striving todie, 
hopening tomellow. Ware Splash. Cobbler. We have meat two 
hourly, sang out El Caplan Buycout, with the famous padre's 
turridur's capecast, meet too ourly, matadear! Dan Meiklejohn, 
precentor, of S.S. Smack and Olley's was probiverbal with his 
upsiduxit: mutatus mutandus. Dauran's lord ('Sniffpox') and Moir- 
gan's lady ('Flatterfun') took sides and crossed and bowed to 
each other's views and recrossed themselves. The dirty dubs upin 
their flies, went too free, echoed the dainly drabs downin their 

60 



I 




scenities, una mona. Sylvia Silence, the girl detective (Meminerva, 
but by now one hears turtlings all over Doveland!) when supplied 
with informations as to the several facets of the case in her cozy- 
dozy bachelure's flat, quite overlooking John a'Dream's mews, 
leaned back in her really truly easy chair to query restfully through 
her vowelthreaded syllabelles: Have you evew thought, wepow- 
tew, that sheew gweatness was his twadgedy? Nevewtheless ac- 
cowding to my considewed attitudes fow this act he should pay 
the full penalty, pending puwsuance, as pew Subsec. 32, section 
II, of the C. L. A. act 1885, anything in this act to the contwawy 
notwithstanding. Jarley Jilke began to silke for he couldn't get 
home to Jelsey but ended with: He's got the sack that helped him 
moult instench of his gladsome rags. Meagher, a naval rating, 
seated on one of the granite cromlech setts of our new fish- 
shambles for the usual aireating after the ever popular act, with 
whom were Questa and Puella, piquante and quoite, (this had a 
cold in her brain while that felt a sink in her summock, wit's 
wat, wot's wet) was encouraged, although nearvanashed himself, 
by one of 'his co-affianced to get your breath, Walt, and gobbit 
and when ther chidden by her fastra sastra to saddle up your 
pance, Naville, thus cor replied to her other's thankskissing: I 
lay my two fingerbuttons, fiancee Meagher, (he speaks !) he was 
to blame about your two velvetthighs up Horniman's Hill — as 
hook and eye blame him or any other piscman.'^ — but I also 
think, Puellywally, by the siege of his trousers there was some- 
one else behind it — you bet your boughtem blarneys — about 
their three drummers down Keysars Lane. (Trite !). 

Be these meer marchant taylor's fablings of a race referend 
with oddman rex.'^ Is now all seenheard then forgotten.'^ Can it 
was, one is fain in this leaden age of letters now to wit, that so 
diversified outrages (they have still to come!) were planned and 
partly carried out against so staunch a covenanter if it be true 
than any of those recorded ever took place for many, we trow, 
beyessed to and denayed of, are given to us by some who use 
the truth but sparingly and we, on this side ought to sorrow for 
their pricking pens on that account. The seventh city, Urovivla, 

61 



his citadear of refuge, whither (would we believe the laimen and 
their counts), beyond the outraved gales of Atreeatic, changing 
clues with a baggermalster, the hejirite had fled, silentioussue- 
meant under night's altosonority, shipalone, a raven of the wave, 
(be mercy, Mara! A he whence Rahoulas!) from the ostmen's 
dirtby on the old vie, to forget in expiating manslaughter and, 
reberthing in remarriment out of dead seekness to devine previ- 
dence, (if you are looking for the bilder deep your ear on the 
movietone!) to league his lot, palm and patte, with a papishee. 
For mine qvinne I thee giftake and bind my hosenband I thee 
halter. The wastobe land, a lottuse land, a luctuous land, Emerald- 
illuim, the peasant pastured, in which by the fourth commandment 
with promise his days apostolic were to be long by the abundant 
mercy of Him Which Thundereth From On High, murmured, 
would rise against him with all which in them were, franchisab- 
les and inhabitands, astea as agora, helotsphilots, do him hurt, 
poor jink, ghostly following bodily, as were he made a curse for 
them, the corruptible lay quick, all saints of incorruption of an 
holy nation, the common or ere-in-garden castaway, in red re- 
surrection to condemn so they might convince him, first pha- 
roah, Humpheres Cheops Exarchas, of their proper sins. Busi- 
ness bred to speak with a stiff upper lip to all men and most occa- 
sions the Man we wot of took little short of fighting chances but 
for all that he or his or his care were subjected to the horrors of 
the premier terror of Errorland. (perorhaps!) 

We seem to us (the real Us!) to be reading our Amenti in the 
sixth sealed chapter of the going forth by black. It was after the 
show at Wednesbury that one tall man, humping a suspicious 
parcel, when returning late amid a dense particular on his home 
way from the second house of the Boore and Burgess Christy 
Menestrels by the old spot, Roy's Corner, had a barkiss revolver 
placed to his faced with the words: you're shot, major: by an un- 
knowable assailant (masked) against whom he had been jealous 
over, Lotta Crabtree or Pomona Evlyn. More than that Whenn 
the Waylayer (not a Lucalizod diocesan or even of tlie Glenda- 
lough see, but hailing fro' the prow of Little Britain), mention- 

62 



I 

I 



I 

i 



i 



ing in a bytheway that he, the crawsopper, had, in edition to 
Reade's cutless centiblade, a loaded Hobson's which left only twin 
alternatives as, viceversa, either he would surely shoot her, the 
aunt, by pistol, (she could be okaysure of that!) or, failing of such, 
bash in Patch's blank face beyond recognition, pointedly asked 
with gaeilish gall wodkar blizzard's business Thornton had with 
that Kane's fender only to be answered by the aggravated 
assaulted that that that was the snaps for him, Midweeks, to sultry 
well go and find out if he was showery well able. But how trans- 
paringly nontrue, gentlewriter! His feet one is not a tall man, not 
at all, man. No such parson. No such fender. No such lumber. No 
such race. Was it supposedly in connection with a girls, Myramy 
Huey or Colores Archer, under Flaggy Bridge (for ann there is 
but one liv and hir newbridge is her old) or to explode his 
twelvechamber and force a shrievalty entrance that the heavybuilt 
Abelbody in a butcherblue blouse from One Life One Suit (a 
men's wear store), with a most decisive bottle of single in his 
possession, seized after dark by the town guard at Haveyou- 
caught-emerod's temperance gateway was there in a gate's way. 

Fifthly, how parasoliloquisingly truetoned on his first time of 
hearing the wretch's statement that, muttering Irish, he had had 
had o'gloriously a'lot too much hanguest or hoshoe fine to 
drink in the House of Blazes, the Parrot in Hell, the Orange Tree, 
the Glibt, the Sun, the Holy Lamb and, lapse not leashed, in 
Ramitdown's ship hotel since the morning moment he could 
dixtinguish a white thread from a black till the engine of the 
laws declosed unto Murray and was only falling fillthefluthered 
up against the gatestone pier which, with the cow's bonnet 
a' top o'it, he falsetook for a cattlepillar with purest peaceablest 
intentions. Yet how lamely hobbles the hoy of his then pseudo- 
jocax axplanation how, according to his own story, he was a 
process server and was merely trying to open zozimus a bottlop 
stoub by mortially hammering his magnum bonum (the curter the 
club the sorer the savage) against the bludgey gate for the boots 
about the swan, Maurice Behan, who hastily into his shoes with 
nothing his hald barra tinnteack and came down with homp, 

63 



shtemp and jumphet to the tiltyard from the wastes a'sleep in his 
obi ohny overclothes or choker, attracted by the norse of guns 
playing Delandy is cartager on the raglar rock to Dulyn, said 
war' prised safe in bed as he dreamed that he'd wealthes in mor- 
mon halls when wokenp by a fourth loud snore out of his land 
of byelo while hickstrey's maws was grazing in the moonlight 
by hearing hammering on the pandywhank scale emanating from 
the blind pig and anything like it (oonagh! oonagh!) in the 
whole history of the Mullingcan Inn he never. This battering 
babel allower the door and sideposts, he always said, was not in 
the very remotest like the belzey babble of a bottle of boose 
which would not rouse him out o' slumber deep but reminded 
him loads more of the martiallawsey marses of foreign musi- 
kants' instrumongs or the overthrewer to the third last days of 
Pompery, if anything. And that after this most nooningless 
knockturn the young reine came down desperate and the old 
liffopotamus started ploring all over the plains, as mud as she 
cud be, ruinating all the bouchers' schurts and the backers' 
wischandtugs so that be the chandeleure of the Rejaneyjailey 
they were all night wasching the waiters of, the weltering waiters 
off. Whyte. 

Just one moment. A pinch in time of the ideal, musketeers! 
Alphos, Burkos and Caramis, leave Astrelea for the astrollajerries 
and for the love of the saunces and the honour of Keavens pike 
puddywhackback to Pamintul. And roll away the reel world, the 
reel world, the reel world! And call all your smokeblushes, 
Snowwhite and Rosered, if you will have the real cream ! Now for 
a strawberry frolic! Filons, filoosh! Cherchons la flamme! Famm- 
famm! Fammfamm! 

Come on, ordinary man with that large big nonobli head, and 
that blanko berbecked fischial ekksprezzion Machinsky Scapolo- 
polos, Duzinascu or other. Your machelar's mutton leg's getting 
musclebound from being too pulled. Noah Beery weighed stone 
thousand one when Hazel was a hen. Now her fat's falling fast. 
Therefore, chatbags, why not yours? There are 29 sweet reasons 
why blossomtime's the best. Elders fall for green almonds when 

64 



\^uuJi roto 



they're raised on bruised stone root ginger though it winters on 
their heads as if auctumned round their waistbands. If you'd had 
pains in your hairs you wouldn't look so orgibald. You'd have 
Colley Macaires on your lump of lead. Now listen, Mr Leer! 
And stow that sweatyfunnyadams Simper! Take an old geeser 
who calls on his skirt. Note his sleek hair, so elegant, tableau 
vivant. He vows her to be his own honeylamb, swears they will 
be papa pals, by Sam, and share good times way down west in a 
guaranteed happy lovenest when May moon she shines and they 
twit twinkle all the night, combing the comet's tail up right and 
shooting popguns at the stars. Creampuffs all to dime! Every 
nice, missymackenzies ! For dear old grumpapar, he's gone on 
the razzledar, through gazing and crazing and blazing at the stars. 
Compree! She wants her wardrobe to hear from above by return 
with cash so as she can buy her Peter Robinson trousseau and cut 
a dash with Arty, Bert or possibly Charley Chance (who knows.^) 
so tolloll Mr Hunker you're too dada for me to dance (so off she 
goes !) and that's how half the gels in town has got their bottom 
drars while grumpapar he's trying to hitch his braces on to his 
trars. But old grum he's not so clean dippy between sweet you 
and yum (not on your life, boy! not in those trousers! not by a 
large jugful!) for someplace on the sly, where Furphy he isn't by, 
old grum has his gel number two (bravevow, our Grum!) and he 
would like to canoodle her too some part of the time for he is 
downright fond of his number one but O he's fair mashed on 
peaches number two so that if he could only canoodle the two, 
chivee chivoo, all three would feel genuinely happy, it's as simple 
as A. B. C, the two mixers, we mean, with their cherrybum 
chappy (for he is simply shamming dippy) if they all were afloat 
in a dreamlifeboat, hugging two by two in his zoo-doo-you-doo, 
a tofftoff for thee, missymissy for me and howcameyou-e'enso for 
Farber, in his tippy, upindown dippy, tiptoptippy canoodle, can 
you.'^ Finny. 

Ack, ack, ack. With which clap, trap and soddenment, three to 
a loaf, our mutual friends the fender and the bottle at the gate seem 
to be implicitly in the same bateau, so to singen, bearing also 

65 



several of the earmarks of design, for there is in fact no use in 
putting a tooth in a snipery of that sort and the amount of all 
those sort of things which has been going on onceaday in and 
twiceaday out every other nachtistag among all kinds of pro- 
miscious individuals at all ages in private homes and reeboos 
publikiss and allover all and elsewhere throughout secular 
sequence the country over and overabroad has been particularly 
stupendous. To be continued. Federals' Uniteds' Transports' 
Unions' for Exultations' of Triumphants' Ecstasies. 

But resuming inquiries. Will it ever be next morning the postal 
unionist's (officially called carrier's, Letters Scotch, Limited) 
strange fate (Fierceendgiddyex he's hight, d.e., the losel that 
bucks around missivemaids' gummibacks) to hand in a huge 
chain envelope, written in seven divers stages of ink, from blanch- 
essance to lavandaiette, every pothook and pancrook bespaking 
the wisherwife, superscribed and subpencilled by yours A Laugh- 
able Party, with afterwite, S.A.G., to Hyde and Cheek, Eden- 
berry, Dubblenn, WC.'^ Will whatever will be written in lappish 
language with inbursts of Maggyer always seem semposed, black 
looking white and white guarding black, in that siamixed twoa- 
talk used twist stern swift and jolly roger.'* Will it bright upon us, 
nightie, and we plunging to our plight? Well, it might now, mircle, 
so it light. Always and ever till Cox's wife, twice Mrs Hahn, pokes 
her beak into the matter with Owen K. after her, to see whawa 
smutter after, will this kiribis pouch filled with litterish frag- 
ments lurk dormant in the paunch of that halpbrother of a herm, 
a pillarbox? 

The coffin, a triumph of the illusionist's art, at first blench 
naturally taken for a handharp (it is handwarp to tristinguish 
jubabe from jabule or either from tubote when all three have just 
been invened) had been removed from the hardware premises of 
Oetzmann and Nephew, a noted house of the gonemo^t west, 
which in the natural course of all things continues to supply 
funeral requisites of every needed description. Why needed, 
though? Indeed needed (wouldn't you feel like rattanfowl if you 
hadn't the oscar!) because the flash brides or bride in their lily 

66 



- T 17 



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boleros one games with at the Nivynubies' finery ball and your 
upright grooms that always come right up with you (and by jingo 
when they do!) what else in this mortal world, now ours, when 
meet there night, mid their nackt, me there naket, made their 
nought the hour strikes, would bring them rightcame back in the 
flesh, thumbs down, to their orses and their hashes. 

To proceed. We might leave that nitrience of oxagiants to take 
its free of the air and just analectralyse that very chymerical com- 
bination, the gasbag where the warderworks. And try to pour 
somour heiterscene up thealmostfere. In the bottled heliose case 
continuing, Long Lally Tobkids, the special, sporting a fine breast 
of medals, and a conscientious scripturereader to boot in the brick 
and tin choorch round the coroner, swore like a Norewheezian 
tailliur on the stand before the proper functionary that he was up 
against a right querrshnorrt of a mand in the butcher of the blues 
who, he guntinued, on last epening after delivering some car- 
casses mattonchepps and meatjutes on behalf of Messrs Otto 
Sands and Eastman, Limericked, Victuallers, went and, with his 
unmitigated astonissment, hickicked at the dun and dorass against 
all the runes and, when challenged about the pretended hick (it 
was kickup and down with him) on his solemn by the imputant 
imputed, said simply: I appop pie oath, Phillyps Captain. You 
did, as I sostressed before. You are deepknee in error, sir. Madam 
Tomkins, let me then tell you, replied with a gentlewomanly 
salaam MackPartland, (the meatman's family, and the oldest in 
the world except nick, name.) And Phelps was flayful with his 
peeler. But his phizz fell. 

Now to the obverse. From velveteens to dimities is barely a 
fivefinger span and hence these camelback excesses are thought 
to have been instigated by one or either of the causing causes of 
all, those rushy hollow heroines in their skirtsleeves, be she ma- 
gretta be she the posque. Oh! Oh! Because it is a horrible thing 
to have to say to say to day but one dilalah, Lupita Lorette, short- 
ly after in a fit of the unexpectednesses drank carbolic with all 
her dear placid life before her and paled off while the other 
soiled dove that's her sister-in-love, Luperca Latouche, finding 

67 



one day while dodging chores that she stripped teasily for binocu- 
lar man and that her jambs were jimpjoyed to see each other, the 
nautchy girly soon found her fruitful hat too small for her and 
rapidly taking time, look, she rapidly took to necking, partying 
and selling her spare favours in the haymow or in lumber closets 
or in the greenawn ad huck (there are certain intimacies in all 
ladies* lavastories we just lease to imagination) or in the sweet 
churchyard close itself for a bit of soft coal or an array of thin 
trunks, serving whom in fine that same hot coney a la Zingara 
which our own little Graunya of the chilired cheeks dished up 
to the greatsire of Oscar, that son of a Coole. Houri of the coast 
of emerald, arrah of the lacessive poghue, Aslim-all-Muslim, the 
resigned to her surrender, did not she, come leinster's even, true 
dotter of a dearmud, (her pitch was Forty Steps and his perch old 
CromwelFs Quarters) with so valkirry a licence as sent many a 
poor pucker packing to perdition, again and again, ay, and again 
sfidare him, tease fido, eh tease fido, eh eh tease fido, toos top- 
ples topple, stop, dug of a dog of a dgiaour, ye! Angealousmei ! 
And did not he, like Arcoforty, farfar off Bissavolo, missbrand 
her behaveyous with iridescent huecry of down right mean false 
sop lap sick dope? Tawfulsdreck ! A reine of the shee, a shebeen 
quean, a queen of pranks. A kingly man, of royal mien, regally 
robed, exalted be his glory! So gave so take: Now not, not now! 
He would just a min. Suffering trumpet! He thought he want. 
Whath? Hear, O hear, living of the land! Hungreb, dead era, 
hark! He hea, eyes ravenous on her lippling lills. He hear her voi 
of day gon by. He hears! Zay, zay, zay! But, by the beer of his 
profit, he cannot answer. Upterputty till rise and shine ! Nor needs 
none shaft ne stele from Phenicia or Little Asia to obelise on 
the spout, neither pobalclock neither folksstone, nor sunkenness 
in Tomar's Wood to bewray how erpressgangs score off the rued. 
The mouth that tells not will ever attract the unthinking tongue 
and so long as the obseen draws theirs which hear not so long 
till allearth's dumbnation shall the blind lead the deaf. Tatcho, 
tawney yeeklings ! The column of lumps lends the pattrin of the 
leaves behind us. If violence to life, limb and chattels, often as 

68 



i 



not, has been the expression, direct or through an agent male, of 
womanhid offended, (ah! ah!), has not levy of black mail from 
the times the fairies were in it, and fain for wilde erthe blothoms 
followed an impressive private reputation for whispered sins? 

Now by memory inspired, turn wheel again to the whole of 
the wall. Where Gyant Blyant fronts Peannlueamoore There was 
once upon a wall and a hooghoog wall a was and such a wall- 
hole did exist. Ere ore or ire in Aaarlund. Or you Dair's Hair or 
you Diggin Mosses or your horde of orts and oriorts to garble 
a garthen of Odin and the lost paladays when all the eddams ended 
with aves. Armen? The doun is theirs and still to see for menags 
if he strikes a lousaforitch and we'll come to those baregazed 
shoeshines if you just shoodov a second. And let oggs be good 
old gaggles and Isther Estarr play Yesther Asterr. In the drema 
of Sorestost Areas, Diseased. A stonehinged gate then was for 
another thing while the suroptimist had bought and enlarged 
that shack under fair rental of one yearlyng sheep, (prime) value 
of sixpence, and one small yearlyng goat (cadet) value of eight- 
pence, to grow old and happy (hogg it and kidd him) for the re- 
minants of his years; and when everything was got up for the 
purpose he put an applegate on the place by no means as some 
pretext a bedstead in loo thereof to keep out donkeys (the pig- 
dirt hanging from the jags to this hour makes that clear) and just 
thenabouts the iron gape, by old custom left open to prevent 
the cats from getting at the gout, was triplepatlockt on him on 
purpose by his faithful poorters to keep him inside probably and 
possibly enaunter he felt like sticking out his chest too far and 
tempting gracious providence by a stroll on the peoplade's egg- 
day, unused as he was yet to being freely clodded. 

O, by the by, lets wee brag of praties, it ought to be always 
remembered in connection with what has gone before that there 
was a northroomer, Herr Betreffender, out for his zimmer hole- 
digs, digging in number 32 at the Rum and Puncheon (Branch of 
Dirty Dick's free house) in Laxlip (where the Sockeye Sammons 
were stopping at the time orange fasting) prior to that, a Kom- 
merzial (Gorbotipacco, he was wreaking like Zentral Oylrubber) 

69 



from Osterich, the U.S.E. paying (Gaul save the mark!) ii/- in 
the week (Gosh, these wholly romads!) of conscience money in 
the first deal of Yuly wheil he was, swishing beesnest with bles- 
sure, and swobbing broguen eeriesh myth brockendootsch, mak- 
ing his reporterage on Der Fall Adams for the Frankofurto Siding, 
a Fastland payrodicule, and er, consstated that one had on him 
the Lynn O'Brien, a meltoned lammswolle, disturbed, and wider 
he might the same zurichschicken other he would, with tosend 
and obertosend tonnowatters, one monkey's damages become. 
Now you must know, franksman, to make a heart of glass, that 
the game of gaze and bandstand butchery was merely a Patsy 
O' Strap tissue of threats and obuses such as roebucks raugh at 
pinnacle's peak and after this sort. Humphrey's unsolicited visitor, 
Davy or Titus, on a burgley's clan march from the middle west, 
a hikely excellent crude man about road who knew his Bullfoost 
Mountains like a starling bierd, after doing a long dance untidled 
to Cloudy Green, deposend his bockstump on the waityoumay- 
wantme, after having blew some quaker's (for you! Oates!) in 
through the houseking's keyhole to attract attention, bleated 
through the gale outside which the tairor of his clothes was hog- 
callering, first, be the hirsuiter, that he would break his bulshey- 
wigger's head for him, next, be the heeltapper, that he would 
break the gage over his lankyduckling head the same way he 
would crack a nut with a monkeywrench and, last of all, be the 
stirabouter, that he would give him his (or theumperom's or any- 
bloody else's) thickerthanwater to drink and his bleday steppe- 
brodhar's into the bucket. He demanded more wood alcohol to 
pitch in with, alleging that his granfather's was all taxis and that 
it was only after ten o'connell, and this his isbar was a public 
oven for the sake of irsk irskusky, and then, not easily dis- 
couraged, opened the wrathfloods of his atillarery and went on at 
a wicked rate, weathering against him in mooxed metaphores 
from eleven thirty to two in the afternoon without even a lunch- 
eonette interval for House, son of Clod, to come out, you jew- 
beggar, to be Executed Amen. Earwicker, that patternmind, that 
paradigmatic ear, receptoretentive as his of Dionysius, longsuffer- 

70 



I 



ing although whitening under restraint in the sititout corner of 
his conservatory, behind faminebuilt walls, his thermos flask and 
ripidian flabel by his side and a walrus whiskerbristle for a tusk- 
pick, compiled, while he mourned the flight of his wild guineese, 
a long list (now feared in part lost) to be kept on file of all abusive 
names he was called (we have been compelled for the rejoicement 
of foinne loidies ind the humours of Milltown etcetera by Joseph- 
ine Brewster in the collision known as Contrastations with Inker- 
mann and so on and sononward, lacies in loo water, flee, celestials, 
one clean turv): Firstnighter ^ Informer^ Old Fruity Yellow Whigger, 
Wheatears, Goldy Gelt, Bogside Beauty , Yass Were Had His 
Badannas^ York's Porker, Funnyface^ At Baggottys Bend He 
Bumped, Grease with the Butter, Opendoor Ospices, Cainandabler, 
Ireland's Eighth Wonderful Wonder, Beat My Price, Godsoilman, 
Moonface the Murderer, Hoary Hairy Hoax, Midnight Sunburst, 
Remove that Bible, Hebdromadary Publocation, Tummer the Lame 
the Tyrannous^ Blau Clay, Tight before Teatime^ Read Your 
Pantojoke, Acoustic Disturbance^ Thinks He's Gobblasst the Good 
Dook of Ourguile, W.D's Grace ^ Gibbering Bayamouth of Dublin^ 
His Farther was a Mund^ucker and She had him in a Growler^ 
Burnham and Bailey^ Artist^ Unworthy of the Homely Protestant 
Religion^ Terry Cotter^ You re Welcome to Waterfood^ signed the 
Ribbonmen^ Lobsterpot Lardling^ All for Arthur of this Town, 
Hooshed the Cat from the Bacon^ Leathertogs Donald, The Ace 
and Deuce of Paupering^ O'Reilly s Delights to Kiss the Man 
behind the Borrel^ Magogagog^ Swad Puddlefoot^ Gouty Ghiheline^ 
Loose Luther^ Hatches Cocks' Eggs, Muddle the Plan, Luck before 
Wedlock, I Divorce Thee Husband, Tanner and a Make, Go to 
Hellena or Come to Connies^ Piobald Puffpuff His Bride^ Purged 
out of Burke' Sj He's None of Me Causin^ Barebarean^ Peculiar 
Person, Grunt Owl's Facktotem^ Twelve Months Aristocrat, 
Lycanthrope, Flunkey Beadle Vamps the Tune Letting on He's 
Loney, Thunder and Turf Married into Clandorf Left Boot Sent 
on Approval^ Cumberer of Lord's Holy Ground^ Stodge Arschmann^ 
Awnt Yukcy Tommy Furlong's Pet Plagues^ Archdukon Cabbanger^ 
Last Past the Post^ Kennealey Won't Tell Thee off Nancy's Gown, 

71 



Scuttle to Cover y Salary Grab, Andy Mac Noon in Annie s Room, 
Awl Out, Twitchbratschballs^ Bombard Street Bester^ Sublime 
Porter, A Ban for Le King of the Burgaans and a Bom for Ye Sur 
of all the RuttledgeSj O'Phelim's Cutprice, And at Number Wan 
Wan Wan, What He Done to Castlecostello, Sleeps with Feathers 
end Ropes, It is Known who Sold Horace the Rattler, Enclosed 
find the Sons of Fingal, Swayed in his Falling, Wants a Wife and 
Forty of Them^ Let Him Do the Fair, Apeegeequanee Chimmuck, 

Plowp Goes his Whastle, Ruin of the Small Trader, He 

Milking honey beaverbrooker, Vee was a Vindner, Sower Rapes, 
Armenian Atrocity, Sickfish Belly up, Edomite, — 'Man Devoyd of 
the Commoner Characteristics of an Irish Nature, Bad Humborg, 
Hraabhraab, Coocoohandler, Dirt, Miching Daddy, Born Burst Feet 
Foremost, Woolworth's Worst, Easyathic Phallus aphis t, Guiltey- 
pigs Bastard, Fast in the Barrel, Boose in the Bed, Mister Fatmate, 
In Custody of the Polis, BoawwlVs Alocutionist, Deposed, but anar- 
chistically respectsful of the liberties of the noninvasive individual, 
did not respond a solitary wedgeword beyond such sedentarity, 
though it was as easy as kissanywhere for the passive resistant in 
the booth he was in to reach for the hello gripes and ring up Kim- 
mage Outer 17.67, because, as the fundamentalist explained, when 
at last shocked into speech, touchin his woundid feelins in the 
fuchsiar the dominican mission for the sowsealist potty was on at 
the time and he thought the rowmish devowtion known as the 
howly rowsary might reeform ihm, Gonn. That more than 
considerably unpleasant bullocky before he rang off drunkishly 
pegged a few glatt stones, all of a size, by way of final mocks 
for his grapes, at the wicket in support of his words that he was 
not guilphy but, after he had so slaunga vollayed, reconnoi- 
tring through his semisubconscious the seriousness of what he 
might have done had he really polished off his terrible intentions 
finally caused him to change the bawling and leave downg the 
whole grumus of brookpebbles pangpung and, having sobered 
up a bit, paces his groundould diablen lionndub, the flay the 
flegm, the floedy fleshener, (purse, purse, pursyfurse, I'll splish 
the splume of them all!) this backblocks boor bruskly put out 

72 



1^ ' d (i. a 



his langwedge and quite quit the paleologic scene, telling how 
by his selfdenying ordnance he had left Hyland on the dissenting 
table, after exhorting Earwicker or, in slightly modified phrase- 
ology, Messrs or Missrs Earwicker, Seir, his feminisible nameof 
multitude, to cocoa come outside to Mockerloo out of that for 
the honour of Crumlin, with his broody old flishguds, Gog's 
curse to thim, so as he could brianslog and burst him all dizzy, 
you go bail, like Potts Fracture did with Keddle Flatnose and 
nobodyatall with Wholyphamous and build rocks over him, or 
if he didn't, for two and thirty straws, be Cacao Campbell, he 
didn't know what he wouldn't do for him nor nobody else no- 
more nor him after which, batell martell, a brisha a milla a stroka 
a boola, so the rage of Malbruk, playing on the least change of 
his manjester's voice, the first heroic couplet from the fuguall 
tropical. Opus Elf, Thortytoe: My schemes into abeyance for This 
time has had to fall: they bit goodbyte to their thumb and, his 
bandol eer his solgier, dripdropdrap on pool or poldier, wishing 
the loff a falladelfian in the morning, proceeded with a Hubble- 
forth slouch in his slips backwords {Et CurHelil) in the directions 
of the duff and demb institutions about ten or eleven hundred 
years lurch away in the moonshiny gorge of Patself on the Bach. 
Adyoe! 

And thus, with this rochelly exetur of Bully Acre, came to 
close that last stage in the siegings round our archicitadel which 
we would like to recall, if old Nestor Alexis would wink the 
worth for us, as Bar-le-Duc and Dog-an-Doras and Bangen-op- 
Zoom. 

Yed he med leave to many a door beside of Oxmanswold for 
so witness his chambered cairns a cloudletlitter silent that are at 
browse up hill and down coombe and on eolithostroton, at 
Howth or at Coolock or even at Enniskerry, a theory none too 
rectiline of the evaluation of human society and a testament of 
the rocks from all the dead unto some the living. Olivers lambs 
we do call them, skatterlings of a stone, and they shall be ga- 
thered unto him, their herd and paladin, as nubilettes to cumule, 
in that day hwen, same the lightning lancer of Azava Arthur- 

73 



honoured (some Finn, some Finn avantl), he skall wake from 
earthsleep, haught crested elmer, in his valle of briers of Green- 
man's Rise O, (lost leaders live! the heroes return!) and o'er dun 
and dale the Wulverulverlord (protect us!) his mighty horn skall 
roll, orland, roll. 

For in those deyes his Deyus shall ask of Allprohome and 
call to himm: Allprohome! And he make answer: Add some. 
Nor wink nor wunk. Animadiabolum^ mem credidisd mortuum? 
Silence was in thy faustive halls, O Truiga, when thy green 
woods went dry but there will be sounds of manymirth on the 
night's ear ringing when our pantriarch of Comestowntonobble 
gets the pullover on his boots. 

Liverpoor.-^ Sot a bit of it! His braynes cook parritch, his pelt 
nassy, his heart's adrone, his bluidstreams acrawl, his puff but a 
piff, his extremeties extremely so: Fengless, Pawmbroke, Chil- 
blaimend and Baldowl. Humph is in his doge. Words weigh no 
no more to him than raindrips to Rethfemhim. Which we all 
like. Rain. When we sleep. Drops. But wait until our sleeping. 
Drain. Sdops. 



74 



As the lion in our teargarten remembers the nenuphars of his 
Nile (shall Ariuz forget Arioun or Boghas the baregams of the 
Marmarazalles from Marmeniere?) it may be, tots wearsense full 
a naggin in twentyg have sigilposted what in our brievingbust, 
the besieged bedreamt him stil and solely of those lililiths un- 
deveiled which had undone him, gone for age, and knew not 
the watchful treachers at his wake, and theirs to stay. Fooi, fooi, 
chamermissies ! Zeepyzoepy, larcenlads! Zijnzijn Zijnzijn! It may 
be, we moest ons hasten selves te declareer it, that he reglimmed? 
presaw? the fields of heat and yields of wheat where corngold 
Ysit? shamed and shone. It may be, we habben to upseek a bitty 
door our good township's courants want we knew't, that with 
his deepseeing insight (had not wishing oftebeen but good time 
wasted), within his patriarchal shamanah, broadsteyne 'bove citie 
(Twillby! Twillby!) he conscious of enemies, a kingbilly white- 
horsed in a Finglas mill, prayed, as he sat pn anxious seat, (kunt 
ye neat gift mey toe bout a peer saft eyballds !) during that three 
and a hellof hours' agony of silence, ex profundis malorum^ and 
bred with unfeigned charity that his wordwounder (an engles to 
the teeth who, nomened Nash of Girahash, would go anyold where 
in the weeping world on his mottled belly (the rab, the kreepons- 
kneed!) for milk, music or married missusses) might, mercy to 
providential benevolence's who hates prudencies' astuteness, un- 
fold into the first of a distinguished dynasty of his posteriors, 

75 



blackfaced connemaras not of the fold but elder children of his 
household, his most besetting of ideas {pace his twolve predama- 
nant passions) being the formation, as in more favoured climes, 
where the Meadow of Honey is guestfriendly and the Mountain 
of Joy receives, of a truly criminal stratum, Ham's cribcracking 
yeggs, thereby at last eliminating from all classes and masses with 
directly derivative decasualisation: sigarius (sic!) vindicat urbes 
terrorum (sicker!): and so, to mark a bank taal she arter, the 
obedience of the citizens elp the ealth of the ole. 

Now gode. Let us leave theories there and return to here's here. 
Now hear. 'Tis gode again. The teak coffin, Pughglasspanelfitted, 
feets to the east, was to turn in later, and pitly patly near the 
porpus, materially effecting the cause. And this, liever, is the 
thinghowe. Any number of conservative public bodies, through 
a number of select and other committees having power to add to 
their number, before voting themselves and himself, town, port 
and garrison, by a fit and proper resolution, following a koorts 
order of the groundwet, once for all out of plotty existence, as 
a forescut, so you maateskippey might to you cuttinrunner on a 
neuw pack of klerds, made him, while his body still persisted, 
their present of a protem grave in Moyelta of the best Lough 
Neagh pattern, then as much in demand among misonesans as 
the Isle of Man today among limniphobes. Wacht even ! It was 
in a fairly fishy kettlekerry, after the Fianna's foreman had taken 
his handful, enriched with ancient woods and dear dutchy deep- 
linns mid which were an old knoll and a troutbeck, vainyvain of 
her osiery and a chatty sally with any Wilt or Walt who would 
ongle her as Izaak did to the tickle of his rod and watch her 
waters of her sillying waters of and there now brown peater 
arripple (may their quilt gild lightly over his somnolulutent 
form!) Whoforyou lies his last, by the wrath of Bog, like the 
erst curst Hun in the bed of his treubleu Donawhu. 

Best. This wastohavebeen underground heaven, or mole's 
paradise which was probably also an inversion of a phallopharos, 
intended to foster wheat crops and to ginger up tourist trade 
(its architecht, Mgr Peurelachasse, having been obcaecated lest 

76 



he should petrifake suchanevver while the contractors Messrs 
T. A. Birkett and L. O. Tuohalls were made invulnerably vener- 
able) first in the west, our misterbilder, Castlevillainous, openly 
damned and blasted by means of a hydromine, system, Sowan and 
Belting, exploded from a reinvented T.N.T. bombingpost up 
ahoy of eleven and thirty wingrests (circiter) to sternbooard out 
of his aerial thorpeto, Auton Dynamon, contacted with the ex- 
pectant minefield by tins of improved ammonia lashed to her 
shieldplated gunwale, and fused into tripupcables, slipping 
through tholse and playing down from the conning tower into 
the ground battery fuseboxes, all differing as clocks from keys 
since nobody appeared to have the same time of beard, some 
saying by their Oorlog it was Sygstryggs to nine, more holding 
with the Ryan vogt it was Dane to pfife. He afterwards whaan- 
ever his blaetther began to fail off him and his rough bark was 
wholly husky and, stoop by stoop, he neared it (wouldmanspare !) 
carefully lined the ferroconcrete result with rotproof bricks and 
mortar, fassed to fossed, and retired beneath the heptarchy of 
his towerettes, the beauchamp, byward, bull and lion, the white, 
the wardrobe and bloodied, so encouraging (insteppen, alls als 
hats beliefd!) additional useful councils public with hoofd off- 
dealings which were welholden of ladykants te huur out such as the 
Breeders' Union, the Guild of Merchants of the Staple et, a.u.c. to 
present unto him with funebral pomp, over and above that, a stone 
slab with the usual Mac Pelah address of velediction, a very fair- 
worded instance of falsemeaning adamelegy: We have done ours 
gohellt with you, Heer Herewhippit, overgiven it, skidoo! 

But t'house and allaboardshoops I Show coffins, winding sheets, 
goodbuy bierchepes, cinerary urns, liealoud blasses, snuffchests, 
poteentubbs, lacrimal vases, hoodendoses, reekwaterbeckers, 
breakmiddles, zootzaks for eatlust, including upyourhealthing 
rookworst and meathewersoftened forkenpootsies and for that 
matter, javel also, any kind of inhumationary brie au brae for 
the adornment of his glasstone honophreum, would, met these 
trein of konditiens, naturally follow, halas, in the ordinary course, 
enabling that roundtheworlder wandelingswight, did suches pass 

77 



him, to live all safeathomely the presenile days of his life of 
opulence, ancient ere decrepitude, late lents last lenience, till 
stuffering stage, whaling away the whole of the while (hypnos 
chilia eonionf) lethelulled between explosion and reexplosion 
(Donnaurwatteur ! Hunderthunder !) from grosskopp to megapod, 
embalmed, of grand age, rich in death anticipated. 

But abide Zeit's sumonserving, rise afterfall. Blueblitzbolted 
from there, knowing the hingeworms of the hallmirks of habita- 
tionlesness, buried burrowing in Gehinnon, to proliferate through 
all his Unterwealth, seam by seam, sheol om sheol, and revisit 
our Uppercrust Sideria of Utilitarios, the divine one, the hoar- 
der hidden propaguting his plutorpopular progeniem of pots and 
pans and pokers and puns from biddenland to boughtenland, the 
spearway fore the spoorway. 

The other spring offensive on the heights of Abraham may 
have come about all quite by accidence, Foughtarundser ffor 
Breedabrooda had at length presuaded him to have himself to be 
as septuply buried as the murdered Cian in Finntown), had not 
been three monads in his watery grave (what vigilantes and ridings 
then and spuitwyne pledges with aardappel frittling!) when 
portrifaction, dreyfussed as ever, began to ramp, ramp, ramp, the 
boys are parching. A hoodenwinkle gave the signal and a bless- 
ing paper freed the flood. Why did the patrizien make him scares 
with his gruntens? Because the druiven were muskating at the 
door. From both Celtiberian camps (granting at the onset for the 
sake of argument that men on the two sides in New South Ire- 
land and Vetera Uladh, bluemin and pillfaces, during the ferment 
With the Pope or On the Pope, had, moors or letts, grant ideas, 
grunted) all conditions, poor cons and dives mor, each, of course, 
on the purely doffensive since the eternals were owlwise on their 
side every time, were drawn toowards their Bellona's Black 
Bottom, once Woolwhite's Waltz (Ohiboh, how becrimed, 
becursekissed and bedumbtoit!) some for want of proper feeding 
in youth, others already caught in the honourable act of slicing 
careers for family and carvers in conjunction; and, if emaciated 
nough, the person garrotted may have suggested to whomever he 

78 



I 



took the ham of, the plain being involved in darkness, low cirque 
waggery, nay, even the first old wugger of himself in the flesh, 
whiggissimus incarnadined, when falsesighted by the ifsuchhewas 
bully on the hill for there had circulated freely fairly among his 
opposition the feeling that in so hibernating Massa Ewacka, who, 
previous to that demidetached life, had been known of barmi- 
cidal days, cook said, between soups and savours, to get outside 
his own length of rainbow trout and taerts atta tarn as no man 
of woman born, nay could, like the great crested brebe, devour 
his threescoreten of roach per lifeday, ay, and as many minnow a 
minute (the big mix, may Gibbet choke him!) was, like the salmon 
of his ladderleap all this time of totality secretly and by suckage 
feeding on his own misplaced fat. 

Ladies did not disdain those pagan ironed times of the first 
city (called after the ugliest Danadune) when a frond was a friend 
inneed to carry, as earwigs do their dead, their soil to the earth- 
ball where indeeth we shall calm decline, our legacy unknown. 
Venuses were gigglibly temptatrix, vulcans guffawably eruptious 
and the whole wives' world frockful of fickles. Fact, any human 
inyon you liked any erenoon or efter would take her bare godkin 
out, or an even pair of hem, (lugod ! lugodoo !) and prettily pray 
with him (or with em even) everyhe to her taste, long for luck, 
tapette and tape petter and take pettest of all. (Tip !) Wells she'd 
woo and wills she's win but how the deer knowed where she'd 
marry! Arbour, bucketroom, caravan, ditch.'^ Coach, carriage, 
wheelbarrow, dungcart.'^ 

Kate Strong, a widow (Tiptip !) — she pulls a lane picture for 
us, in a dreariodreama setting, glowing and very vidual, of old 
dumplan as she nosed it, a homelike cottage of elvanstone with 
droppings of biddies, stinkend pusshies, moggies' duggies, rotten 
witchawubbles, festering rubbages and beggars' bullets, if not 
worse, sending salmofarious germs in gleefully through the 
smithereen panes — Widow Strong, then, as her weaker had 
turned him to the wall (Tiptiptip!), did most all the scavenging 
from good King Hamlaugh's gulden dayne though her lean 
besom cleaned but sparingly and her bare statement reads that, 

79 



there being no macadamised sidetracks on those old nekropolitan 
nights in, barring a footbatter, Bryant's Causeway, bordered 
with speedwell, white clover and sorrel a wood knows, which 
left off, being beaten, where the plaintiff was struck, she 
left down, as scavengers, who will be scavengers must, her 
filthdump near the Serpentine in Phornix Park (at her time called 
Finewell's Keepsacre but later tautaubapptossed Pat's Purge), 
that dangerfield circling butcherswood where fireworker oh 
flaherty engaged a nutter of castlemallards and ah for archer 
stunned's turk, all over which fossil footprints, bootmarks, 
fingersigns, elbowdints, breechbowls, a. s. o. were all succes- 
sively traced of a most envolving description. What subtler 
timeplace of the weald than such wolfsbelly castrament to will 
hide a leabhar from Thursmen's brandihands or a loveletter, 
lostfully hers, that would be lust on Ma, than then when ructions 
ended, than here where race began: and by four hands of fore- 
thought the first babe of reconcilement is laid in its last cradle 
of hume sweet hume. Give over it! And no more of it! So pass 
the pick for child sake! O men! 

For hear Allhighest sprack for krischnians as for propagana 
fidies and his nuptial eagles sharped their beaks of prey: and 
every morphyl man of us, pome by pome, falls back into this 
terrine: as it was let it be, says he! And it is as though where 
Agni araflammed and Mithra monished and Shiva slew as maya- 
mutras the obluvial waters of our noarchic memory withdrew, 
windingly goharksome, to some hastyswasty timberman torch- 
priest, flamenfan, the ward of the wind that lightened the fire that 
lay in the wood that Jove bolt, at his rude word. Posidonius 
O'Fluctuary! Lave that bloody stone as it is! What are you 
doing your dirty minx and his big treeblock way up your path.'^ 
Slip around, you, by the rare of the ministers'! And, you, take 
that barrel back where you got it, Mac Shane's, and go the way 
your old one went, Hatchettsbury Road! And gish! how they 
gushed away, the pennyfares, a whol6 school for scamper, with 
their sashes flying sish behind them, all the little pirlypettes! 
Issy-la-Chapelle! Any lucans, please.'^ 

80 



j^rsJ^u^S Cx^ ^*^^ ^"^^^ ^ SVi^J?-^^ 



Yes, the viability of vicinals if invisible is invincible. And we 
are not trespassing on his corns either. Look at all the plotsch! 
Fluminian! If this was Hannibal's walk it was Hercules' work. 
And a hungried thousand of the unemancipated slaved the way. 
The mausoleum lies behind us (O Adgigasta, muldpopulipaterl) 
and there are milestones in their cheadmilias faultering along 
the tramestrack by Brahm and Anton Hermes! Per omnibus 
secular seekalarum. Amain. But the past has made jus_j^^^ present 
j)f a rhedarhoad. So more boher O'Connell! Though rainy- 
hidden, you're rhinohide. And if he's not a Romeo you may 
scallop your hat. Wereupunder in the fane of Saint Fiacre! Halte! 

It was hard by the howe's there, plainly on this disoluded and a 
buchan cold spot, rupestric then, resurfaced that now is, that 
Luttrell sold if Lautrill bought, in the saddle of the Brennan's 
(now Malpasplace?) pass, versts and versts from true civilisation, 
not where his dreams top their traums halt (Beneathere ! Bena- 
there!) but where livland yontide meared with the wilde, saltlea 
with flood, that the attackler, a cropatkin, though under medium 
and between colours with truly native pluck, engaged the Adver- 
sary who had more in his eye than was less to his leg but whom for 
plunder sake, he mistook in the heavy rain to be Oglethorpe or 
some other ginkus. Parr aparrently, to whom the headandheel- 
less chickenestegg bore some Michelangiolesque resemblance, 
making use of sacrilegious languages to the defect that he would 
challenge their hemosphores to exterminate them but he would 
cannonise the b — y b — r's life out of him and lay him out 
contritely as smart as the b — r had his b — y nightprayers 
said, three patrecknocksters and a couplet of hellmuirries {tout 
est sacre pour un sacreur^ femme a harhe ou homme-nourrice) at the 
same time, so as to plugg well let the blubbywail ghoats out of 
him, catching hoist of an oblong bar he had and with which he 
usually broke furnitures he rose the stick at him. The boarder 
incident prerepeated .igjlf. The pair (whethertheywere Nippo- 
luono engaging Wei-Ling-Taou or de Razzkias trying to recon- 
noistre the general Boukeleff, man may not say), struggled 
apairendy for some considerable time, (the cradle rocking equally 

8i 



<2. 



f 



L ^' to one and oppositely from the other on its law of capture and 
^ t/^ recapture), under the All In rules around the booksafe, fighting 
like purple top and tipperuhry Swede, (Secremented Servious of 
the Divine Zeal !) and in the course of their tussle the toller man, 
who had opened his bully bowl to beg, said to the miner who 
was carrying the worm (a handy term for the portable distillery 
which consisted of three vats, two jars and several bottles though 
we purposely say nothing of the stiff, both parties having an 
interest in the spirits): Let me go, Pautheen! I hardly knew ye. 
Later on, after the solstitial pause for refleshmeant, the same 
man (or a different and younger him of the same ham) asked in 
the vermicular with a very oggly chew-chin-grin: Was six vic- 
tolios fifteen pigeon takee offa you, tell he me, stlongfella, by 
picky-pocky ten to foul months behindaside? There were some 
further collidabanter and severe tries to convert for the best part 
of an hour and now a woden affair in the shape of a webley (we 
at once recognise our old friend Ned of so many illortemporate 
letters) fell from the intruser who, as stuck as that cat to that 
mouse in that tube of that christchurch organ, (did the imnage of 
Girl Cloud Pensive flout above them light young charm, in 
ribbons and pigtail?) whereupon became friendly and, saying not 
his shirt to tear, to know wanted, joking and knobkerries all 
aside laying, if his change companion who stuck still to the in- 
vention of his strongbox, with a tenacity corrobberating their 
mutual tenitorial rights, happened to have the loots change of 
a tenpound crickler about him at the moment, addling that hap 
so, he would pay him back the six vies odd, do you see, out of 
that for what was taken on the man of samples last Yuni or Yuly, 
do you follow me, Capn? To this the other, Billi with the Boule, 
who had mummed and mauled up to that (for he was hesitency 
carried to excelcism) rather amusedly replied: Woowoo would 
you be grossly surprised. Hill, to learn that, as it so happens, I 
honestly have not such a thing as the loo, as the least chance of 
a tinpanned crackler anywhere about me at the present moho- 
moment but I believe I can see my way, as you suggest, it 
being Yuletide or Yuddanfest and as it's mad nuts, son, for you 

82 



: 



when it's hatter's hares, mon, for me, to advance you something 
like four and sevenpence between hopping and trapping which 
you might just as well have, boy baches, to buy J. J. and S. with. 
There was a minute silence before memory's fire's rekindling and 
then. Heart alive! Which at very first wind of gay gay and whisk- 
wigs wick's ears pricked up, the starving gunman, strike him 
pink, became strangely calm and forthright sware by all his lards 
porsenal that the thorntree of sheol might ramify up his Sheo- 
fon to the lux apointlex but he would go good to him suntime 
marx my word fort, for a chip off the old Flint, (in the Nichtian 
glossery which purveys aprioric roots for aposteriorious tongues 
this is nat language at any sinse of the world and one might as 
fairly go and kish his sprogues as fail to certify whether the 
wartrophy eluded at some lives earlier was that somethink like a 
jug, to what, a coctable) and remarxing in languidoily, seemingly 
much more highly pleased than tongue could tell at this opening 
of a lifetime and the foretaste of the Dun Bank pearlmothers 
and the boy to wash down which he would feed to himself in 
the Ruadh Cow at Tallaght and then into the Good Woman at 
Ringsend and after her inat Conway's Inn at Blackrock and, first 
to fall, cursed be all, where appetite would keenest be, atte, 
funeral fare or fun fain real, Adam and Eve's in Quantity Street 
by the grace of gamy queen Tailte, her will and testament: You 
stunning little southdowner! I'd know you anywhere, Declaney, 
let me truthfully tell you in or out of the lexinction of life and 
who the hell else, be your blanche patch on the boney part! 
Goalball I've struck this daylit dielate night of nights, by golly! 
My hat, you have some bully German grit, sundowner! He 
spud in his faust (axin); he toped the raw best (pardun); he 
poked his pick (a tip is a tap): and he tucked his friend's leave. And, 
with French hen or the portlifowlium of hastes and leisures, about 
to continue that, the queer mixture exchanged the pax in embrace 
or poghue puxy as practised between brothers of the same breast, 
hillelulia, killelulia, allenalaw, and, having ratified before the 
god of the day their torgantruce which belittlers have schmall- 
kalled the treatyng to cognac, turning his fez menialstrait in the 

83 



direction of Moscas, he first got rid of a few mitsmillers and 
hurooshoos and levanted off with tubular jurbulance at a bull's 
run over the assback bridge, spitting his teeths on rooths, with the 
seven and four in danegeld and their humoral hurlbat or other 
uncertain weapon of lignum vitaey but so evermore rhumanasant of 
a toboggan poop, picked up to keep some crowplucking ap- 
pointment with some rival rialtos anywheres between Pearidge 
and the Littlehorn while this poor delaney, who they left along 
with the confederate fender behind and who albeit ballsbluffed, 
bore up wonderfully wunder all of it with a whole number of 
plumsized contusiums, plus alasalah bruised coccyx, all over him, 
reported the occurance in the best way he could, to the flabber- 
gaze of the whole lab, giving the Paddybanners the military 
salute as for his exilicy's the O'Daffy, in justifiable hope that, 
in nobiloroman review of the hugely sitisfactuary conclusium 
of their negotiations and the jugglemonkysh agripment dein- 
derivative, some lotion or fomentation of poppyheads would be 
jennerously exhibited to the parts, at the nearest watchhouse in 
Vicar Lane, the white ground of his face all covered with diagon- 
ally redcrossed nonfatal mammalian blood as proofpositive of the 
seriousness of his character and that he was bleeding in self 
defience (stanch it!) from the nostrils, lips, pavilion and palate, 
while some of his hitter's hairs had been pulled off his knut's 
head by Colt though otherwise his allround health appeared to 
be middling along as it proved most fortunate that not one of 
the two hundred and six bones and five hundred and one muscles 
in his corso was a whit the whorse for her whacking. Herwho? 

Nowthen, leaving clashing ash, brawn and muscle and brass- 
made to oust earthernborn and rockcrystal to wreck isinglass but 
wurming along gradually for our savings backtowards mother- 
waters so many miles from bank and Dublin stone (olympiading 
even till the eleventh dynasty to reach that thuddysickend Ham- 
laugh) and to the question of honey's unlawfully obtaining a 
pierced paraflamme and claptrap fireguard there crops out the 
still more salient point of the politish leanings and town pursuits 
of our forebeer. El Don De Dunelli, (may his ship thicked stick 

84 



in the bottol of the river and all his crewsers stock locked in the 
burral of the seas !) who, when within the black of your toenail, 
sir, of being mistakenly ambushed by one of the uddahveddahs, 
and as close as made no matter, mam, to being kayoed offhand 
when the hyougono heckler with the Peter the Painter wanted 
to hole him, was consistently practising the first of the primary 
and imprescriptible liberties of the pacific subject by circulating 
(be British, boys to your bellybone and chuck a chum a chance!) 
alongst one of our umphrohibited semitary thrufahrts, open to 
buggy and bike, to walk, Wellington Park road, with the curb 
or quaker's quacknostrum under his auxter and his alpenstuck in 
his redhand, a highly commendable exercise, or, number two of 
our acta legidma plebeia^ on the brink (beware to baulk a man at 
his will!) of taking place upon a public seat, to what, bare by 
Butt's, mqsieasterly (but all goes west !) of blackpool bridges, as 
a public protest and naturlikevice, without intent to annoy either, 
being praisegood thankfully for the wrathbereaved ringdove and 
the fearstung boaconstrictor and all the more right jollywell 
pleased, which he was, at having other people's weather. 

But to return to the atlantic and Phenitia Proper. As if that 
were not to be enough for anyone but little headway, if any, was 
made in solving the wasnottobe crime cunundrum when a child 
of Maam, Festy King, of a family long and honourably associ- 
ated with the tar and feather industries, who gave an address in 
old plomansch Mayo of the Saxons in the heart of a foulfamed 
potheen district, was subsequently haled up at the Old Bailey 
on the calends of Mars, under an incompatibly framed indictment 
of both the counts (from each equinoxious points of view, the one 
fellow's fetch being the other follow's person) that is to see, flying 
cushats out of his ouveralls and making fesses immodst his forces 
on the field. Oyeh! Oyeh! When the prisoner, soaked in methyl- 
ated, appeared in dry dock, appatently ambrosiaurealised, like 
Kersse's Korduroy Karikature, wearing, besides stains, rents and 
patches, his fight shirt, straw braces, souwester and a policeman's 
corkscrew trowswers, all out of the true (as he had purposely torn 
up all his cymtrymanx bespokes in the mamertime), deposing for 

85 



his exution with all the fluors of sparse in the royal Irish vocabulary 
how the whole padderjagmartin tripiezite suet and all the sulfeit 
of copperas had fallen off him quatz unaccountably like the 
chrystalisations of Alum on Even while he was trying for to stick 
fire to himcell, (in feacht he was dripping as he found upon strip- 
ping for a pipkin ofmalt as he feared the coold raine) it was 
attempted by the crown (P.C. Robort) to show that King, elois 
Crowbar, once known as Meleky, impersonating a climbing boy, 
rubbed some pixes of any luvial peatsmoor o'er his face, plucks 
and pussas, with a clanetourf as the best means of disguising 
himself and was to the middlewhite fair in Mudford of a Thoors- 
day, feishts of Peeler and Pole, under the illassumed names of 
Tykingfest and Rabworc picked by him and Anthony out of a 
tellafun book, ellegedly with a pedigree pig (unlicensed) and a 
hyacinth. They were on that sea by the plain of Ir nine hundred 
and ninetynine years and they never cried crack or ceased from 
regular paddlewicking till that they landed their two and a 
trifling selves, amadst camel and ass, greybeard and suckling, 
priest and pauper, matrmatron and merrymeg, into the meddle 
of the mudstorm. The gathering, convened by the Irish Angri- 
cultural and Prepostoral Ouraganisations, to help the Irish muck 
to look his brother dane in the face and attended thanks to 
Larry by large numbers, of christies and jew's totems, tospite of 
the deluge, was distinctly of a scattery kind when the bally- 
bricken he could get no good of, after cockofthewalking through 
a few fancyfought mains ate some of the doorweg, the pikey 
later selling the gentleman ratepayer because she, Francie's sister, 
that is to say, ate a whole side of his (the animal's) sty, on a 
struggle Street, Qui Sta Troia^ in order to pay off, hiss or lick, 
six doubloons fifteen arrears of his, the villain's not the rumbler's 
rent. 

Remarkable evidence was given, anon, by an eye, ear, nose 
and throat witness, whom Wesleyan chapelgoers suspected of 
being a plain clothes priest W.P., situate at Nullnull, Medical 
Square, who, upon letting down his rice and peacegreen cover- 
disk and having been sullenly cautioned against yawning while 

86 



I 



i' 



being grilled, smiled (he had had a onebumper at parting from 
Mrs Molroe in the morning) and stated to his eliciter under his 
morse mustaccents (gobbless !) that he slept with a bonafides and 
that he would be there to remember the filth of November, 
hatinaring, rowdy O, which, with the jiboulees of Juno and the 
dates of ould lanxiety, was going, please the Rainmaker, to 
decembs within the ephemerides of profane history, all one with 
Tournay, Yetstoslay and Temorah, and one thing which would 
pigstickularly strike a person of such sorely tried observational 
powers as Sam, him and Moffat, though theirs not to reason why, 
the striking thing about it was that he was patrified to see, hear, 
taste and smell, as his time of night, how Hyacinth O'Donnell, 
B.A., described in the calendar as a mixer and wordpainter, with 
part of a sivispacem (Gaeltact for dungfork) on the fair green 
at the hour of twenty-four o'clock sought (the bullycassidy of 
the friedhoffer!) to sack, sock, stab and slaughter singlehanded 
another two of the old kings, Gush Mac Gale and Roaring 
O'Crian, Jr., both changelings, unlucalised, of no address and 
in noncommunicables, between him and whom, ever since wal- 
lops before the Mise of Lewes, bad blood existed on the ground 
of the boer's trespass on the bull or because he firstparted his 
polarbeeber hair in twoways, or because they were creepfoxed 
andt grousuppers over a nippy in a noveletta, or because they 
could not say meace, (mute and daft) meathe. The litigants, he 
said, local congsmen and donalds, kings of the arans and the dalk- 
eys, kings of mud and tory, even the goat king of Killorglin, 
were egged on by their supporters in the shape of better wo men 
with bowstrung hair of Carrothagenuine ruddiness, waving crim- 
son petties and screaming from Isod's towertop. There were 
cries from the thicksets in court and from the macdublins on the 
bohernabreen of: Mind the bank from Banagher, Mick, sir! Pro- 
dooce O'Donner. Ay! Exhibit his relics! Bu! Use the tongue 
mor! Give lip less! But it oozed out in Deadman's Dark Scenery 
Court through crossexanimation of the casehardened testis that 
when and where that knife of knifes the treepartied ambush was 
laid (roughly spouting around half hours 'twixt dusk in dawn, 

87 



by Waierhose's Meddle Europeic Time, near Stop and Think, 
high chief evervirens and only abfalltree in auld the land) there 
was not as much light from the widowed moon as would dim a 
child's altar. The mixer, accordingly, was bluntly broached, and 
in the best basel to boot, as to whether he was one of those 
lucky cocks for whom the audible-visible-gnosible-edible world 
existed. That he was only too cognitively conatively cogitabun- 
dantly sure of it because, living, loving, breathing and sleeping 
morphomelosophopancreates, as he most significantly did, when- 
ever he thought he heard he saw he felt he made a bell clipper- 
clipperclipperclipper. Whether he was practically sure too of his 
lugs and truies names in this king and blouseman business? That 
he was pediculously so. Certified.^ As cad could be. Be lying ! Be 
the lonee I will. It was Morbus O* Somebody.'^ A' Quite. Szer- 
day's Son.'* A satyr in weddens. And how did the greeneyed 
mister arrive at the B.A..'* That it was like his poll. A cross- 
grained trapper with murty odd oogs, awflorated ares, inquiline 
nase and a twithcherous mouph.'* He would be. Who could bit 
you att to a tenyerdfuul when aastalled,'^ Ballera jobbera. Some 
majar bore too.'* Iguines. And with tumblerous legs, redipnomi- 
nated Helmingham Erchenwyne Rutter Egbert Crumwall Odin 
Maximus Esme Saxon Esa Vercingetorix Ethelwulf Rupprecht 
Ydwalla Bentley Osmund Dysart Yggdrasselmann.'^ Holy Saint 
Eiffel, the very phoenix! It was Chudley Magnall once more 
between the deffodates and the dumb scene.'* The two childspies 
waapreesing him auza de Vologue but the renting of his rock 
was from the three wicked Vuncouverers Forests bent down 
awhits, arthou sure.'* Yubeti, Cumbilum comes! One of the ox- 
men's thingabossers, hvad.'* And had he been refresqued by the 
founts of bounty playing there — is — a — pain — aleland in 
Long's gourgling barral.'^ A loss of Lorded ward and a lack of sir- 
philip a surgeonet showeradown could suck more gargling 
bubbles out of thejfive lamps in Portterand's praise. Wirrgeling 
and maries.'* As whose wouldn't, laving his leaftime in Black- 
pool. But, of course, he could call himself Tem, too, if he had 
time to.'^ You butt he could anytom. When he pleased? Win and 



88 




jl 
i 




I 



place. A stoker temptated by evesdripping aginst the driver who 
was a witness as well? Sacred avatar, how the devil did they 
guess it! Two dreamyums in one dromium? Yes and no error. 
And both as like as a duel of lentils? Peacisely. So he was pelted 
out of the coram populo, was he? Be the powers that be he was. 
The prince in principel should not expose his person? Mac- 
chevuole! Rooskayman kamerad? Sooner Gallwegian he would 
say. Not unintoxicated, fair witness? Drunk as a fishup. Askt to 
whether she minded whither he smuked? Not if he barkst into 
phlegms. Anent his ajaciulations to his Crosscann Lorne, cossa? 
It was corso in cursu on coarser again. The gracious miss was 
we not doubt sensible how yellowatty on the forx was altered? 
That she esually was, O'Dowd me not! As to his religion, if 
any? It was the see-you-Sunday sort. Exactly what he meant by 
a pederast prig? Bejacob's, just a gent who prayed his lent. And 
if middleclassed portavorous was a usual beast? Bynight as useful 
as a vomit to a shorn man. If he had rognarised dtheir gcourts 
marsheyls? Dthat nday in ndays he had. Lindendelly, coke or 
skilllies spell me gart without a gate? Harlyadrope. The grazing » 
rights (Mrs Magistra Martinetta) expired with the expiry of the 
goat's sire, if they were not mistaken? That he exactly could not 
tell the worshipfuls but his mother-in- waders had the recipis for 
the price of the coffin and that he was there to tell them that 
herself was the velocipede that could tell them kitcat. A maun- 
darin tongue in a pounderin jowl? Father ourder about the 
mathers of prenanciation. Distributary endings? And we recom- 
mends. Quare hiTcum? No answer. Unde gentium fe , , No ah. 
Are you not danzzling on the age of a vulcano? Siar, I am deed. 
And how olid of him? He was intendant to study pulu. Which 
was meant in a shirt of two shifts macoghamade or up Finn, 
threehatted ladder? That a head in thighs under a bush at the 
sunface would bait a serpent to a millrace through the heather. 
Arm bird colour defdum ethnic fort perharps? Sure and glomsk 
handy jotalpheson as well. Hokey jasons, then, in a pigeegeeses? 
On a pontiff's order as ture as there's an ital on atac. As a gololy 
bit to joss? Leally and tululy. But, why this hankowchaff and 

89 



whence this second tone, son-yet-sun? He had the cowtaw in his 
buxers flay of face. So this that Solasistras, setting odds evens at 
defiance, took the laud from Labouriter? What displaced Tob, 
Dilke and Halley, not been greatly in love with the game. And, 
changing the venders, from the king's head to the republican's 
arms, as to the pugnaxities evinxed from flagfall to antepost 
during the effrays round fatherthyme's beckside and the regents 
in the plantsown raining, with the skiddystars and the morkern- 
windup, how they appealed to him then.^ That it was wildfires 
night on all the bettygallaghers. Mickmichael's soords shrieking 
shrecks through the wilkinses and neckanicholas' toastingforks 
pricking prongs up the tunnybladders. Let there be fight.'^ And 
there was. Foght. On the site of the Angel's, you said.'^ Guinney's 
Gap, he said, between what they said and the pussykitties. In the 
middle of the garth, then.^ That they mushn't toucht it. The de- 
voted couple was or were only two disappainted solicitresses on 
the job of the unfortunate class on Saturn's mountain fort.'^ That 
was about it, jah! And Camellus then said to Gemellus: I should 
know you? Parfaitly. And Gemellus then said to Camellus: Yes, 
your brother.^ Obsolutely. And if it was all about that, egregious 
sir.'^ About that and the other. If he was not alluding to the whole 
in the wall.'^ That he was when he was not eluding from the whole 
of the woman. Briefly, how such beginall finally struck him now.'^ 
Like the crack that bruck the bank in Multifarnham. Whether he 
fell in with what they meant.'* Cursed that he suppoxed he did. 
Thos Thoris, Thomar's Thom.'^ The rudacist rotter in Roebuck- 
dom. Surtopical.'^ And subhuman. If it was, in yappanoise lan- 
guage, ach bad clap.'^ Oo! Ah! Augs and ohrs with Rhian O'- 
kehley to put it tertianly, we wrong .'^ Shocking! Such as turly 
pearced our realty's that he might, that he might never, that he 
might never that night? Treely and rurally. Bladyughfoulmoeck- 
lenburgwhurawhorascortastrumpapomanennykocksapastippata - 
ppatupperstrippuckputtanach, eh? You have it alright. 

Meirdreach an Oincuish ! But a new complexion was put upon 
the matter when to the perplexedly uncondemnatory bench 
(whereon punic judgeship strove with penal law) the senior 

90 



6^ 



king of all, Pegger Festy, as soon as the outer layer of stuccko- 
muck had been removed at the request of a few live jurors, 
declared in a loudburst of poesy, through his Brythonic inter- 
preter on his oath, mhuith peisth mhuise as fearra bheura muirre 
hriosmas, whereas take notice be the relics of the bones of the 
story bouchal that was ate be Cliopatrick (the sow) princess 
of parked porkers, afore God and all their honours and king's 
commons that, what he would swear to the Tierney of Dundal- 
gan or any other Tierney, yif live thurkells folloged him about 
sure that was no steal and that, nevertheless, what was deposited 
from that eyebold earbig noseknaving gutthroat, he did not fire 
a stone either before or after he was bom down and up to that 
time. And, incidentalising that they might talk about Markarthy 
or they might walk to Baalastartey or they might join the nabour 
party and come on to Porterfeud this the sockdologer had the 
neck to endorse with the head bowed on him over his outturned 
noreaster by protesting to his lipreaders with a justbeencleaned 
barefacedness, abeam of moonlight's hope, in the same trelawney 
what he would impart, pleas bench, to the Llwyd Josus and the 
gentlemen in Jury's and the four of Masterers who had been all 
those yarns yearning for that good one about why he left 
Dublin, that, amreeta beaker coddling doom, as an Inishman was 
as good as any cantonnatal, if he was to parish by the market steak 
before the dorming of the mawn, he skuld never ask to see sight or 
light of this world or the other world or any either world, of Tyre- 
nan- Og, as true as he was there in that jackabox that minute, or 
wield or wind (no thanks t'yous 1) the inexousthausthible wassail- 
horn tot of iskybaush the hailth up the wailth of the endknown ab- 
god of the fire of the moving way of the hawks with his heroes in 
Warhorror if ever in all his exchequered career he up or lave a 
chancery hand to take or throw the sign of a mortal stick or stone 
at man, yoelamb or salvation army either before or after being 
puptised down to that most holy and every blessed hour. Here, 
upon the halfkneed castleknocker's attempting kithoguishly to 
lilt his holymess the paws and make the sign of the Roman God- 
helic faix, (Xaroshie, zdrst! — in his excitement the laddo had 

91 



broken exthro Castilian into which the whole audience perse- 
guired and pursuited him olla podridd) outbroke much yellach- 
ters from owners in the heall (Ha!) in which, under the mollifi- 
cation of methaglin, the testifighter reluctingly, but with ever so 
ladylike indecorum, joined. (Ha! Ha!) 

The hilariohoot of Pegger's Windup cumjustled as neatly 
with the tristitone of the Wet Pinter's as were they isce et ilk 
equals of opposites, evolved by a onesame power of nature or of 
spirit, iste^ as the sole condition and means of its himundher 
manifestation and polarised for reunion by the symphysis of 
their antipathies. Distinctly different were their duasdestinies. 
Whereas the maidies of the bar, (a pairless trentene, a lunarised 
score) when the eranthus myrrmyrred: Show'm the Posed: 
fluttered and flattered around the willingly pressed, nominating 
him for the swiney prize, complimenting him, the captivating 
youth, on his having all his senses about him, stincking thyacinths 
through his curls (O feen! O deur!) and bringing busses to his 
cheeks, their masculine Oirisher Rose (his neece cleur!), and 
legando round his nice new neck for him and pizzicagnoling his 
woolywags, with their dindy dandy sugar de candy mechree me 
postheen flowns courier to belive them of all his untiring young 
dames and send treats in their times. Ymen. But it was not un- 
observed of those presents, their worships, how, of one among 
all, her deputised to defeme him by the Lunar Sisters' Celibacy 
Club, a lovelooking leapgirl, all all alonely, Gentia Gemma of the 
Makegiddyculling Reeks, he, wan and pale in his unmixed admir- 
ation, seemed blindly, mutely, tastelessly, tactlessly, innamorate 
with heruponhim in shining aminglement, the shaym of his hisu 
shifting into the shimmering of her hers, (youthsy, beautsy, hee's 
her chap and shey'll tell memmas when she gays whom) till the 
wild wishwish of her sheeshea melted most musically mid the 
dark deepdeep of his shayshaun. 

And whereas distracted (for was not just this in effect which 
had just caused that the effect of that which it had caused to oc- 
cur?) the four justicers laid their wigs together, Untius, Mun- 
cius, Punchus and Pylax but could do no worse than promulgate 

92 



their standing verdict of Nolans Brumans whereoneafter King, 
having murdered all the English he knew, picked out his pockets 
and left the tribunal scotfree, trailing his Tommeylommey's tunic 
in his hurry, thereinunder proudly showing off the blink pitch to 
his britgits to prove himself (an't plase yous!) a rael genteel. To 
the Switz bobbyguard's curial but courtlike: Commodore valley O 
hairy, Arthre jennyrosy?: the firewaterloover returted with such a 
vinesmelling fortytudor ages rawdownhams tanyouhide as would 
turn the latten stomach even of a tumass equinous (we were pre- 
pared for the chap's clap cap, the accent, but, took us as, by surprise 
and now we're geshing it like gush gash from a burner !) so that all 
the twofromthirty advocatesses within echo, pulling up their briefs 
at the krigkry: Shun the Punman!: safely and soundly soccered 
that fenemine Parish Poser, (how dare he!) umprumptu right- 
oway hames, much to his thanks, gratiasagam, to all the wrong 
donatrices, biss Drinkbattle's Dingy Dwellings where (for like 
your true venuson Esau he was dovetimid as the dears at 
Bottome) he shat in (zoo), like the muddy goalbind who he was 
(dun), the chassetitties belles conclaiming: You and your gift of 
your gaft of your garbage abaht our Farvver! and gaingridando: 
Hon! Verg! Nau! Putor! Skam! Schams! Shames! 

And so it all ended. Artha kam.a dharma moksa. Ask Kavya for 
the kay. And so everybody heard their plaint and all listened to 
their plause. The letter! The litter! And the soother the bitther! 
Of eyebrow pencilled, by lipstipple penned. Borrowing a word 
and begging the question and stealing tinder and slipping like 
soap. From dark Rosa Lane a sigh and a weep, from Lesbia 
Looshe the beam in her eye, from lone Coogan Barry his arrow 
of song, from Sean Kelly's anagrim a blush at the name, from 
I am the Sullivan that trumpeting tramp, from Suffering Duf- 
ferin the Sit of her Style, from Kathleen May Vernon her Mebbe 
fair efforts, from Fillthepot Curran his scotchlove machree- 
ther, from hymn Op. 2 Phil Adolphos the weary O, the leery, 
O, from Samyouwill Leaver or Damyouwell Lover that jolly 
old molly bit or that bored saunter by, from Timm Finn again's 
weak tribes loss of strenghth to his sowheel, from the wedding 

93 



on the greene, agirlies, the gretnass of joyboys, from Pat Mullen, 
Tom Mallon, Dan Meldon, Don Maldon a slickstick picnic made 
in Moate by Muldoons. The solid man saved by his sillied woman. 
Crackajolking away like a hearse on fire. The elm that whimpers 
at the top told the stone that moans when stricken. Wind broke 
it. Wave bore it. Reed wrote of it. Syce ran with it. Hand tore 
it and wild went war. Hen trieved it and plight pledged peace. 
It was folded with cunning, sealed with crime, uptied by a harlot, 
undone by a child. It was life but was it fair.'^ It was free but was 
it art.^ The old hunks on the hill read it to perlection. It made 
ma make merry and sissy so shy and rubbed some shine off Shem 
and put some shame into Shaun. Yet Una and Ita spill famine 
with drought and Agrippa, the propastored, spells tripulations 
in his threne. Ah, furchte fruchte, timid Danaides ! Ena milo melo- 
mon, frai is frau and swee is too, swee is two when swoo is free, 
ana mala woe is we! A pair of sycopanties with amygdaleine 
eyes, one old obster lumpky pumpkin and three meddlars on 
their slies. And that was how framm Sin fromm Son, acity arose, 
finfin funfun, a sitting arrows. Now tell me, tell me, tell me then! 

What was it.'^ 

A ! 

? O! 

So there you are now there they were, when all was over 
again, the four with them, setting around upin their judges' 
chambers, in the muniment room, of their marshalsea, under the 
suspices of Lally, around their old traditional tables of the law 
like Somany Solans to talk it over rallthesameagain. Well and 
druly dry. Suffering law the dring. Accourting to king's evelyns. 
So help her goat and kiss the bouc. Festives and highajinks and 
jintyaun and her beetyrossy bettydoaty and not to forget now 
a'duna o'darnel. The four of them and thank court now there 
were no more of them. So pass the push for port sake. Be it soon. 
Ah ho! And do you remember, Singabob, the badfather, the 
same, the great Howdoyoucallem, and his old nickname. Dirty 
Daddy Pantaloons, in his monopoleums, behind the war of the 
two roses, with Michael Victory, the sheemen's preester, before 

94 



he caught his paper dispillsation from the poke, old Minace and 
Minster York? Do I mind? I mind the gush off the mon like Bal- 
lybock manure works on a tradewinds day. And the O'Moyly 
grades and the O' Briny rossies chaffing him bluchface and play- 
ing him pranks. How do you do, todo, North Mister? Get into 
my way! Ah dearome forsailoshe! Gone over the bays! When 
ginabawdy meadabawdy! Yerra, why would he heed that old 
gasometer with his hooping coppin and his dyinboosycough and 
all the birds of the southside after her, Minxy Cunningham, their 
dear divorcee darling, jimmies and jonnies to be her jo? Hold 
hard. There's three other corners to our isle's cork float. Sure, 'tis 
well I can telesmell him Hg C Eg that would take a township's 
breath away! Gob and I nose him too well as I do meself, heav- 
ing up the Kay Wall by the 32 to 11 with his limelooking horse- 
bags full of sesameseed, the Whiteside Kaffir, and his say man's 
effluvium and his scentpainted voice, puffing out his thundering 
big brown cabbage! Pa! Thawt I'm glad a gull for his pawsdeen 
fiunn! Goborro, sez he, Lankyshied! Gobugga ye, sez I! O 
breezes! I sniffed that lad long before anyone. It was when I was 
in my farfather out at the west and she and myself, the redheaded 
girl, firstnighting down Sycomore Lane. Fine feelplay we had 
of it mid the kissabetts frisking in the kool kurkle dusk of the 
lushiness. My perfume of the pampas, says she (meaning me) 
putting out her netherlights, and I'd sooner one precious sip at 
your pure mountain dew than enrich my acquaintance with that 
big brewer's belch. 

And so they went on, the fourbottle men, the analists, ungu- 
am and nunguam and lunguam again, their anschluss about her 
whosebefore and his whereafters and how she was lost away 
away in the fern and how he was founded deap on deep in anear, 
and the rustlings and the twitterings and the raspings and the 
snappings and the sighings and the paintings and the ukukuings 
and the (hist!) the springapartings and the (hast!) the bybyscutt- 
lings and all the scandalmunkers and the pure craigs that used to 
be (up) that time living and lying and rating and riding round 
Nunsbelly Square. And all the buds in the bush. And the laugh- 

95 



ing jackass. Harik! Harik! Harik! The rose is white in the darik! 
And Sunfella's nose has got rhinoceritis from haunting the roes 
in the parik! So all rogues lean to rhyme. And contradrinking 
themselves about Lillytrilly law pon hilly and Mrs Niall of the 
Nine Corsages and the old markiss their besterfar, and, arrah, 
sure there was never a marcus at all at all among the manlies and 
dear Sir Armoury, queer Sir Rumoury, and the old house by the 
churpelizod, and all the goings on so very wrong long before 
when they were going on retreat, in the old gammeldags, the 
four of them, in Milton's Park under lovely Father Whisperer 
and making her love with his stufTstuff in the languish of flowers 
and feeling to find was she mushymushy, and wasn't that very 
both of them, the saucicissters, a drahereen o machreel^ and (peep!) 
meeting waters most improper (peepette!) ballround the garden, 
trickle trickle trickle triss, please, miman, may I go flirting.'^ 
farmers gone with a groom and how they used her, mused her, 
licksed her and cuddled. I differ with ye ! Are you sure of your- 
self now.'^ You're a liar, excuse me! I will not and you're an- 
other ! And Lully holding their breach of the peace for them. Pool 
loll Lolly! To give and to take! And to forego the pasht! And 
all will be forgotten! Ah ho! It was too too bad to be falling 
out about her kindness pet and the shape of 00000000 
Ourang's time. Well, all right, Lelly. And shakeahand. And 
schenkusmore. For Craig sake. Be it suck. 
Well.? 

Well, even should not the framing up of such figments in the 
evidential order bring the true truth to light as fortuitously as 
a dim seer's setting of a starchart might (heaven helping it!) un- 
cover the nakedness of an unknown body in the fields of blue 
or as forehearingly as the sibspeeches of all mankind have foli- 
ated (earth seizing them!) from the root of some funner's stotter 
all the soundest sense to be found immense our special mentalists 
now holds {securus iudicat orbis terrarum) that by such playing 
possum our hagious curious encestor bestly saved his brush with 
his posterity, you, charming coparcenors, us, heirs of his tailsie. 
Gundogs of all breeds were beagling with renouncedoirbiandor- 

96 ~^ 



bkj^ugles, hot to run him, given law, on a scent breasthigh, 
keen for the worry. View! From his holt outratted across the 
Juletide's genial corsslands of Humfries Chase from Mullinahob 
and Peacockstown, then bearing right upon Tankardstown, the 
outlier, a white noelan which Mr Loewensteil Fitz Urse's basset 
beaters had first misbadgered for a bruin of some swart, led 
bayers the run, then through Raystown and Horlockstown and, 
louping the loup, to Tankardstown again. Ear canny hare for 
doubling through Cheeverstown they raced him, through 
Loughlinstown and Nutstown to wind him by the Boolies. But 
from the good turn when he last was lost, check, upon Ye Hill 
of Rut in full winter coat with ticker pads, pointing for his room- 
ing house his old nordest in his rolltoproyal hessians a deaf fuch- 
ser's volponism hid him close in covert, miraculously ravenfed 
and buoyed up, in rumer, reticule, onasum and abomasum, upon 
(may AUbrewham have his mead!) the creamclotted sherriness of 
cinnamon syllabub, Mikkelraved, Nikkelsaved. Hence hounds 
hied home. Preservative perseverance in the reeducation of his 
intestines was the rebuttal by whilk he sort of git the big bulge 
on the whole bunch of spasoakers, dieting against glues and gra- 
vies, in that sometime prestreet protown. Vainly violence, viru- 
lence and vituperation sought wellnigh utterly to attax and a- 
bridge, to derail and depontify, to enrate and inroad, to ongoad 
and unhume the great shipping mogul and under linen overlord. 

But the spoil of hesitants, the spell of hesitency. His atake is 
it ashe, tittery taw tatterytail, hasitense humponadimply, heyhey- 
heyhey a winceywencky. 

Assembly men murmured. Reynard is slow! 

One feared for his days. Did there yawn.^ 'Twas his stom- 
mick. Eruct.^ The libber. A gush.^ From his visuals. Pung.^ De- 
livver him, orelode ! He had laid violent hands on himself, it was 
brought in Fugger's Newsletter, lain down, all in, fagged out, 
with equally melancholy death. For the triduum of Saturnalia 
his goatservant had paraded hiz willingsons in the Forum while 
the jenny infanted the lass to be greeted raucously (the Yardstat- 
ed) with houx and epheus and measured with missiles too from 

97 



a hundred of manhood and a wimmering of weibes. Big went 
the bang: then wildewide was quiet: a report: silence: last Fama 
put it under ether. The noase or the loal had dreven him blem, 
blem, stun blem. Sparks flew. He had fled again (open shun- 
shema!) this country of exile, sloughed off, sidleshomed via the 
subterranean shored with bedboards, stowed away and ankered 
in a dutch bottom tank the Arsa, hod S,S. Finlandia, and was 
even now occupying, under an islamitic newhame in his seventh 
generation, a physical body Cornelius Magrath's (badoldkarak- 
ter, commonorrong canbung) in Asia Major, where as Turk of 
the theater (first house all flatty: the king, eleven sharps) he had 
bepiastered the buikdanseuses from the opulence of his omni- 
box while as arab at the streetdoor he bepestered the bumbashaws 
for the alms of a para's pence. Wires hummed. Peacefully general 
astonishment assisted by regrettitude had put a term till his exis- 
tence: he saw the family saggarth, resigned, put off his remain- 
ders, was recalled and scrapheaped by the Maker. Chirpings 
crossed. An infamous private ailment (vulgovarioveneral) had 
claimed endright, closed his vicious circle, snap. Jams jarred. 
He had walked towards the middle of an ornamental lilypond 
when innebriated up to the point where braced shirts meet knic- 
kerbockers, as wangfish daring the buoyant waters, when rod- 
men's firstaiding hands had rescued un from very possibly several 
feel of demifrish water. Mush spread. On Umbrella Street where 
he did drinks from a pumps a kind of workman, Mr Whitlock, 
gave him a piece of wood. What words of power were made fas 
between them, ekenames and auchnomes, acnomina ecnumina? 
That, O that, did Hansard tell us, would gar ganz Dub's ear 
wag in every pub of all the citta! Batty believes a baton while 
Hogan hears a hod yet Heer prefers a punsil shapner and Cope 
and Bull go cup and ball. And the Cassidy — Craddock rome 
and reme round e'er a wiege ne'er a waage is still immer and 
immor awagering over it, a cradle with a care in it or a casket 
with a kick behind. Toties testies quoties questies. The war is 
in words and the wood is the world. Maply me, willowy we, 
hickory he and yew yourselves. Howforliim chirrupeth evereach- 

98 



4 



I 



bird! From golddawn glory to glowworm gleam. We were 
lowquacks did we not tacit turn. Elsewere there here no con- 
cern of the Guinnesses. But only the ruining of the rain has 
heard. Estout pourporteral! Cracklings cricked. A human pest 
cycling (pist!) and recycling (past!) about the sledgy streets, here 
he was (pust!) again! Morse nuisance noised. He was loose at 
large and (Oh baby!) might be anywhere when a disguised ex- 
nun, of huge standbuild and masculine manners in her fairly fat 
forties, Carpulenta Gygasta, hattracted hattention by harbitrary 
conduct with a homnibus. Aerials buzzed to coastal listeners of 
an oertax bror collector's budget, fullybigs, sporran, tie, tuft, 
tabard and bloody antichill cloak, its tailor's (Baernfather's) tab 
reading V.P.H., found nigh Scaldbrothar's Hole, and divers 
shivered to think what kaind of beast, wolves, croppis's or four- 
penny friars, had devoured him. C. W. cast wide. Hvidfinns lyk, 
drohneth svertgleam, Valkir lockt. On his pinksir's postern, the 
boys had it, at Whitweekend had been nailed an inkedup name 
and title, inscribed in the national cursives, accelerated, regres- 
sive, filiform, turreted and envenomoloped in piggotry: Move 
up. Mumpty! Mike room for Rumpty! By order, Nickekellous 
Plugg; and this go, no pentecostal jest about it, how gregarious 
his race soever or skilful learned wise cunning knowledgable 
clear profound his saying fortitudo fraught or prudentiaproven, 
were he chief, count, general, fieldmarshal, prince, king or Myles 
the Slasher in his person, with a moliamordhar mansion in the 
Breffnian empire and a place of inauguration on the hill of Tully- 
mongan, there had been real murder, of the rayheallach royghal 
raxacraxian variety, the MacMahon chaps, it was, that had done 
him in. On the fidd of Verdor the rampart combatants had left 
him lion with his dexter handcoup wresterected in a pureede 
paumee bloody proper. Indeed not a few thick and thin well- 
wishers, mostly of the clontarfminded class, (Colonel John Bawle 
O'Roarke, fervxamplus), even ventured so far as to loan or beg 
copies of D. Blayncy's trilingual triweekly, Scatterbrains' Aften- 
ing Posht, so as to make certain sure onetime and be satisfied of 
their quasicontribusodalitarian's having become genuinely quite 

99 



beetly dead whether by land whither by water. Transocean 
atalaclamoured him; The latter! The latter! Shall their hope then 
be silent or Macfarlane lack of lamentation? He lay under leagues 
of it in deep Bartholoman's Deep. 

Achdung! Pozor! Attenshune! Vikeroy Besights Smucky 
Yung Pigeschoolies. Tri Paisdinernes Eventyr Med Lochlanner 
Fathach I Fiounnisgehaven. Bannalanna Bangs Ballyhooly Out 
Of Her Buddaree Of A Bullavogue. 

But, their bright little contemporaries notwithstanding, on 
the morrowing morn of the suicidal murder of the unrescued ex- 
patriate, aslike as asnake comes sliduant down that oaktree onto 
the duke of beavers, (you may have seen some liquidamber exude 
exotic from a balsam poplar at Parteen-a-lax Limestone. Road 
and cried Abies Magnifica! not, noble fir.^) a quarter of nine, 
imploring his resipiency, saw the infallible spike of smoke's juts tiff 
punctual from the seventh gable of our Quintus Centimachus' 
porphyroid buttertower and then thirsty p.m. with oaths upon 
his lastingness {En caecos har auspices! Annos longos padmurl) the 
lamps of maintenance, beaconsfarafield innerhalf the zuggurat, all 
brevetnamed, the wasting wyvern, the tawny of his mane, the 
swinglowswaying bluepaw, the outstanding man, the lolllike lady, 
being litten for the long (O land, how long!) lifesnight, with 
suffusion of fineglass transom and leadlight panes. 

Wherefore let it hardly by any being thinking be said either or 
thought that the prisoner of that sacred edifice, were he an Ivor 
the Boneless or an Olaf the Hide, was at his best a onestone par- 
able, a rude breathing on the void of to be, a venter hearing his 
own bauchspeech in backwords, or, more strictly, but tristurned 
initials, the cluekey to a worldroom beyond the roomwhorld, for 
scarce one, or pathetically few of his dode canal sammenlivers 
cared seriously or for long to doubt with Kurt luld van Dijke 
(the gravitational pull perceived by certain fixed residents and 
the capture of uncertain comets chancedrifting through our sys- 
tem suggesting an authenticitatem of his aliquitudinis) the canoni- 
city of his existence as a tesseract. Be still, O quick! Speak him 
dumb! Hush ye fronds of Ulma! 

lOO 



1 



Dispersal women wondered. Was she fast? 

Dojell us all aboujL_As-^we want to hear allabout. So tellus tel- 
las allabouter. The why or whether she looked alottylike like 
ussies and whether he had his wimdop like themses shut? Notes 
and queries, tipbids and answers, the laugh and the shout, the 
ards and downs. Now listed to one aneither and liss them down 
and smoothen out your leaves of rose. The war is o'er. Wimwim 
wimwim! Was it Unity Moore or Estella Swifte or Varina Fay 
or Quarta Quaedam? Toemaas, mark oom for yor ounckel! Pig- 
eys, hold op med yer leg! Who, but who (for second time of 
asking) was then the scourge of the parts about folkrich Luca- 
lizod it was wont to be asked, as, in ages behind of the Homo 
Capite Erectus, what price Peabody's money, or, to put it 
bluntly, whence is the herringtons' white cravat, as, in epochs 
more cainozoic, who struck Buckley though nowadays as then- 
times every schoolfilly of sevenscore moons or more who knows 
her intimologies and every colleen bawl aroof and every red- 
flammelwaving warwife and widowpeace upon Dublin Wall for 
ever knows as yayas is yayas how it was Buckleyself (we need 
no blooding paper to tell it neither) who struck and the Russian 
generals, da! da!, instead of Buckley who was caddishly struck 
by him when be herselves. What fullpried paulpoison in the spy 
of three castles or which hatefilled smileyseller? And that such 
a vetriol of venom, that queen's head affranchisant, a quiet stink- 
ingplaster zeal could cover, prepostered or postpaid ! The lounge- 
lizards of the pumproom had their nine days' jeer, and pratsch- 
kats at their platschpails too and holenpolendom beside, Szpasz- 
pas Szpissmas, the zhanyzhonies, when, still believing in her 
owenglass, when izarres were twinklins, that the upper reaches 
of her mouthless face and her impermanent waves were the better 
half of her, one nearer him, dearer than all, first warming creature 
of his early morn, bondwoman of the man of the house, and 
murrmurr of all the mackavicks, she who had given his eye for 
her bed and a tooth for a child till one one and one ten and one 
hundred again, O me and O ye ! cadet and prim, the hungray and 
anngreen (and if she is older now than her teeth she has hair that 

lOI 



is younger than thighne, my dear!) she who shuttered him after 
his fall and waked him widowt sparing and gave him keen and 
made him able and held adazillahs to each arche of his noes, she 
who will not rast her from her running to seek him till, with the 
help of the okeamic, some such time that she shall have been after 
hiding the crumbends of his enormousness in the areyou looking- 
for Pearlfar sea, (ur, uri, uria!) stood forth, burnzburn the gorg- 
gony old dan world, in gogor's name, for gagar's sake, dragging 
the countryside in her train, finickin here and funickin there, 
with her louisequean's brogues and her culunder buzzle and her 
little bolero boa and all and two times twenty curlicornies for her 
headdress, specks on her eyeux, and spudds on horeilles and a 
circusfix riding her Parisienne's cockneze, a vaunt her straddle 
from Equerry Egon, when Tinktink in the churchclose clinked 
Steploajazzyma Sunday, Sola^ with pawns, prelates and pookas 
pelotting in her piecebag, for Handiman the Chomp, Esquoro, 
biskbask, to crush the slander's head. 

Wery weeny wight, plead for Morandmor! Notre Dame de la 
Ville^ mercy of thy balmheartzyheat! Ogrowdnyk's beyond her- 
bata tay, wort of the drogist. Bulk him no bulkis. And let him 
rest, thou wayfarre, and take no gravespoil from him! Neither 
mar his mound! The bane of Tut is on it. Ware! But there's a 
little lady waiting and her name is A.L.P. And you'll agree. She 
must be she. For her holden heirheaps hanging down her back. 
He spenth his strenth amok haremscarems. Poppy Narancy, Gial- 
lia, Chlora, Marinka, Anileen, Parme. And ilk a those dames had 
her rainbow huemoures yet for whilko her whims but he coined a 
cure. TifftifF today, kissykissy tonay and agelong pine tomauran- 
na. Then who but Crippled-with-Children would speak up for 
Dropping- with-Sweat? 

Sold him her lease of ninenmeninetee^ 
Tresses undresses so dyedyedaintee^ 
Goo^ the groot gudgeon^ gulped it alL 
Hoc was the C. 0. DJ 

Bum! 

I02 



At Island Bridge she met her tide. 
Attahom^ attahom^ attahomhomhoom! 
The Fin had a flux and his Ehha a ride. 
Attahom^ attahom^ attahomhomhoom! 
We re all up to the years in hues and crihies. 
That's what she s done for wee! 

Woe! 

Nomad may roam with Nabuch but let naaman laugh at Jor- 
dan ! For we, we have taken our sheet upon her stones where we 
have hanged our hearts in her trees; and we list, as she bibs us, 
by the waters of babalong. 



103 



In the name of Annah the Allmaziful, the Everliving, the 
Bringer of Plurabilities, haloed be her eve, her singtime sung, her 
rill be run, unhemmed as it is uneven ! 

Her untitled mamafesta memorialising the Mosthighest has 
gone by many names at disjointed times. Thus we hear of. The 
Augusta Angus tissimost for Old Seabeastius' Salvation, Rockabill 
Booby in the Wave Trough, Here's to the Relicts of All Decencies^ 
Anna Stessas Rise to Notice^ Knickle Down Duddy Gunne and 
Arishe Sir Cannon^ My Golden One and My Selver Weddings 
Amoury Treestam and Icy Siseule^ Saith a Sawyer til a Strame^ Ik 
dik dopedope et tu mihimihi^ Buy Birthplate for a Bite, Which of 
your Hesterdays Mean Ye to Morra? Hoehegunne the Hebrewer 
Hit Waterman the Brayned, Arcs in His Ceiling Flee Chinx on the 
Flur, Rebus de Hibernicis, The Crazier Letters, Groans of a Briton- 
ess, Peter Peopler Picked a Plot to Pitch his Poppolin, An Apology 
for a Big (some such nonoun as Husband or husboat or hose- 
bound is probably understood for we have also the plutherple- 
thoric My Hoonsbood Hansbaad's a Journey to Porthergill gone 
and He Never Has the Hour), Ought We To Visit Him!* For Ark 
see Zoo, Cleopaters Nedlework Picturing Aldborougham on the 
Sahara with the Coombing of the Cammmels and the Parlourmaids 
of Aegypt, Cock in the Pot for Father, Placeat Vestrae, A New 
Cure for an Old Clap, Where Portentos they'd Grow Gonder how 
Vd Wish I Woose a Geese; Gettle Nettie, Thrust him not. When the 

104 



J 



Myrtles of Venice Played to Bloccuss Line^ To Plenge Me High 
He Waives Chiltern on Friends^ Oremunds Queue Visits Amen 
Marty E'en Tho' I Granny a-be He would Fain Me Cuddle^ Twenty 
of Chambers, Weighty Ten Beds and a Wan Ceteroom^ I Led the 
Life^ Through the Boxer Coxer Rising in the House with the Golden 
Stairs^ The Following Fork, Hes my 0' Jerusalem and Vm his 
Po^ The Best in the West^ By the Stream of Zemiem under Zig- 
lag Hill, The Man That Made His Mother in the Marlborry 
Train^ Try Our Taal on a Taub^ The Log of Anny to the Base 
All, Nopper Tipped a Nappiwenk to his Notylytl Dantsigirls^ Prs^ss 
Orel Orel the King of Orlhrds^^ Intimier Minnelisp of an Extor- 
reor Monolothe^ Drink to Him^ My Juckey^ and Dhoult Bemine 
Thy Winnowing Sheet, I Ask You to Believe I was his Mistress, 
He Can Explain^ From Victrolia Nuancee to Allhart Noahnsy^ 
Das a Daisy so Guimea your Handsel too. What Barbaras Done 
to a Barrel Organ Before the Rank^ Tank and Bonnbtail^ Huskvy 
Admortal^ What Jumbo made to Jalice and what Anisette to Him^ 
Ophelia! s Culpreints^ Hear Hubty Hublin^ My Old Dansh^ I am 
Older northe Rogues among Whisht I Slips and He Calls Me his 
Dual of Ayessha^ Suppotes a Ventriliquorst Merries a Corpse^ 
Lapps for Finns This Funnycoons Week, How the Buckling Shut 
at Rush in January^ Look to the Lady^ From the Rise of the 
Dudge Pupublick to the Fall of the Potstille^ Of the Two Ways 
of Opening the Mouth, I have not Stopped Water Where It Should 
Flow and I Know the Twentynine Names of Attraente^ The Tor tor 
of Tory Island Traits Galasia like his Milchcow, From Abbeygate 
to Crowalley Through a Lift in the Lude, Smocks for Their Graces 
and Me Aunt for Them Clodshoppers^ How to Pull a Good Horus- 
coup even when Oldsire is Dead to the World, Inn the Gleam of 
Waherlow, Fathe Hes Sukceded to My Esperations^ Thee Steps 
Forward, Two Stops Back, My Skin Appeals to Three Senses and 
My Curly Lips Demand Columbkisses; Gage Street on a Cranys 
Savings^ Them Lads made a Trion of Battlewatschers and They 
Totties a Doeit of Deers^ In My Lord's Bed by One Whore Went 
Through It, Mum It is All Over, Cowpoyride by Twelve Acre Ter- 
riss in the Unique Estates of Amessican^ He Gave me a Thou so I 

105 



serve Him with Thee, Of all the Wide Torsos in all the Wild Glen, 
O'Donoghj White Donogh, He s Hue to Me Cry, I'm the Stitch 
in his Baskside Youd be Nought Without Mom, To Keep the 
Huskies off the Hustings and Picture Pets from Lifting Shops, Nor- 
sker Torsker Find the Poddle, He Perssed Me Here with the Ardour 
of a Tonnohurkes^ A Booh Was Weeping This Mower was Reaping^ 
O^Loughlin, Up from the Pit of my Stomach I Swish you the White 
of the Mournings Inglo- Andean Medoleys from Tommany Moohr, 
The Great Polynesional Entertrainer Exhibits Ballantine Braut- 
chers with the Link of Natures^ The Mimic of Meg Neg and 
the Mackeys, Entered as the Lastest Pigtarial and My Pooridiocal 
at Stitchioners Hall, Siegfield Follies and or a Gentlehomme s Faut 
Pas^ See the First Book of Jealesies Pessim^ The Suspended Sen- 
tence^ A Pretty Brick Story for Childsiie Heroes^ As Lo Our Sleep, 
I Knew Vd Got it in Me so Thit settles That, Thonderbalt Captain 
Smeth and La Belle Sauvage Pocahonteuse^ Way for Wet Week 
Welikins Douchka Marianne^ The Last of the Fingallians^ It Was 
Me Egged Him on to the Stork Exchange and Lent my Dutiful 
Face to His Customs^ Chee Chee Cheels on their China Miction^ 
Pickedmeup Peters^ Lumptytumtumpty had a Big Fall^ Pimpimp 
Pimpimp^ Measly Ventures of Two Lice and the Fall of Fruit, 
The Pokes Family Interior^ If my Spreadeagles Wasnt so Tight 
Pd Loosen my Cursits on that Bunch of Maggiestraps^ Allolosha 
Popofetts and Howke Cotchme Eye^ Seen Aples and Thin Dyed, 
i big U to B cleaves from Love and Mother, Fines Fault was no 
Felon^ Exat Delvin Renter Life^ The Flash that Flies from Vuggys 
Eyes has Set Me Hair On Fire^ His is the House that Malt Made, 
Divine Views from Back to the Front, Abe to Sare Stood Icyk 
Neuter till Brahm Taulked Him Common Sex^ A Nibble at Eve 
Will That Bowal Relieve, Allfor Guineas, Sounds and Compliments 
Libidous, Seven Wives Awake Aweek^ -^i^y -^^^ Berber Blut^ 
Amy Licks Porter While Huffy Chops Eads, Abbrace of Umbellas 
or a T ripple of Caines^ Buttbutterbust^ From the Manor lord Hoved 
to the Misses O' Mollies and from the Dames to their Sames, Many- 
festoons for the Colleagues on the Green, An Outstanding Back and 
an Excellent Halfcentre if Called on. As Tree is Quick and Stone is 

1 06 




i 

I 

i 
I 



I 



I. 



] 



i 



U ^ dx ^ 



Whiu So is My Washing Done by Night, First and Last Only 
True Account all about the Honorary Mirsu Earwicker, L.S.D., 
and the Snake {Nuggets/) by a Woman of the World who only can 
Tell Naked Truths about a Dear Man and all his Conspirators how 
they all Tried to Fall him Putting it all around Lucaliiod about 
Privates Earwicker and a Pair of Sloppy Sluts plainly Showing all 
the Unmentionability falsely Accusing about the Raincoats, 

The proteiform graph itself is a polyhedron of scripture. 
There was a time when naif alphabetters would have written it 
down the tracing of a purely deliquescent recidivist, possibly 
ambidextrous, snubnosed probably and presenting a strangely 
profound rainbowl in his (or her) occiput. To the hardily curio- 
sing entomophilust then it has shown a very sexmosaic of nym- 
phosis in which the eternal chimerahunter Oriolopos, now frond 
of sugars, then lief of saults, the sensory j:rowd in his belly X 
coupled with an eye for the goods trooth bewilderblissed by 
their night effluvia with guns like drums and fondlers like forceps 
persequestellates his vanessas from flore to flore. Somehows this 
sounds like the purest kidooleyoon wherein our mademacerution 
of lour lore is rich. All's so herou from us him in a kitchernott 
darkness, by hasard and worn rolls arered, we must grope on till 
Zerogh hour like pou owl giaours as we are would we salve aught 
of moments for our aysore today. Amousin though not but. Closer 
inspection of the bordereau would reveal a multiplicity of person- 
alities inflicted on the documents or document and some prevision 
of virtual crime or crimes might be made by anyone unwary 
enough before any suitable occasion for it or them had so far 
managed to happen along. In fact, under the closed eyes of the in- 
spectors the traits featuring the chiaroscuro coalesce, their con- 
trarieties eliminated, in one stable somebody similarly as by the 
providential warring of heartshaker with housebreaker and of 
dramdrinker against freethinker our social something bowls along 
bumpily, experiencing a jolting series of prearranged disappoint- 
ments, down the long lane of (it's as semper as oxhousehumper!) 
generations, more generations and still more generations. 

Say, baroun lousadoor, who in hallhagal wrote the durn thing 

107 



anyhow? Erect, beseated, mountback, against a partywall, below 
freezigrade, by the use of quill or style, with turbid or pellucid 
mind, accompanied or the reverse by mastication, interrupted 
by visit of seer to scribe or of scribe to site, atwixt two showers 
or atosst of a trike, rained upon or blown around, by a right- 
down regular racer from the soil or by a too pained whittlewit 
laden with the loot of learning? 

Now, patience; and remember patience is the great thing, and 
above all things else we must avoid anything like being or be- 
coming out of patience. A good plan used by worried business 
folk who may not have had many momentums to master Kung's 
doctrine of the meang or the propriety codestruces of Carpri- 
mustimus is just to think of all the sinking fund of patience pos- 
sessed in their conjoint names by both brothers Bruce with whom 
are incorporated their Scotch spider and Elberfeld's Calculating 
Horses. If after years upon years of delving in ditches dark one 
tubthumper more than others, Kinihoun or Kahanan, giardarner 
or mear measenmanonger, has got up for the darnall same pur- 
pose of reassuring us with all the barbar of the Carrageehouse 
that our great ascendant was properly speaking three syllables 
less than his own surname (yes, yes, less!), that the ear of Fionn 
Earwicker aforetime was the trademark of a broadcaster with 
wicker local jargon for an ace's patent (Hear! Calls! Everywhair!) 
then as to this radiooscillating epiepistle to which, cotton, silk or 
samite, kohol, gall or brickdust, we must ceaselessly return, where- 
abouts exactly at present in Siam, Hell or Tophet under that 
glorisol which plays touraloup with us in this Aludin's Cove of 
our cagacity is that bright soandsuch to slip us the dinkum oil? 

Naysayers we know. To conclude purely negatively from the 
positive absence of political odia and monetary requests that its 
page cannot ever have been a penproduct of a man or woman of 
that period or those parts is only one more unlookedfor conclu- 
sion leaped at, being tantamount to inferring from the nonpre- 
sence of inverted commas (sometimes called quotation marks) 
on any page that its author was always constitutionally incapable 
of misappropriating the spoken words of others. 

io8 



4' 



Luckily there is another cant to the questy. Has any fellow, of 
the dime a dozen type, it might with some profit some dull even- 
ing quietly be hinted — has any usual sort of ornery josser, flat- 
chested fortyish, faintly flatulent and given to ratiocination by t v 
syncopation in the elucidation of complications, of his greatest 
Fung Yang dynasdescendanced, only another the son of, in fact, 
ever^looked sufficiently longly at a quite everydaylooldng stamped 
addressed envelope? Admittedly it is an outer husk: its face, in 
all its featureful perfection of imperfection, is its fortune: it ex- 
hibits only the civil or military clothing of whatever passion- 
pallid nudity or plaguepurple nakedness may happen to tuck it- 
self under its flap. Yet to concentrate solely on the literal sense or ^ 3 
even the psychological content of any document to the sore 
neglect of the enveloping facts themselves circumstantiating it is 
just as hurtful to sound sense (and let it be added to the truest j 
taste) as were some fellow in the act of perhaps getting an intro 
from another fellow turning out to be a friend in need of his, say, 
to a lady of the latter's acquaintance, engaged in performing the 
elaborative antecistral ceremony of upstheres, straightaway to run 
off* and vision her plump and plain in her natural altogether, pre- 
ferring to close his blinkhard's eyes to the ethiquethical fact that 
she was, after all, wearing for the space of the time being some 
definite articles of evolutionary clothing, inharmonious creations, 
a captious critic might describe them as, or not strictly necessary 
or a trifle irritating here and there, but for all that suddenly full 
of local colour and personal perfume and suggestive, too, of so 
very much more and capable of being stretched, filled out, if need 
or wish were, of having their surprisingly Uke coincidental parts 
separated don't they now, for better survey by the deft hand of 
an expert, don't you know? Who in his heart doubts either that~^ 
the facts of feminine clothiering are there all the time or that the 
feminine fiction, stranger than the facts, is there also at the same 
time, only a little to the rere? Or that one may be separated from 
the other? Or that both may then be contemplated simultaneously? 
Or that each may be taken up and considered in turn apart from 
the other? _j 

109 



A'' ■ 



Here let a few artifacts fend in their own favour. The river felt 
^ she wanted salt. That was just where Brien came in. The country- 
asked for bearspaw for dindin ! And boundin aboundin it got it 
surly. We who live under heaven, we of the clovery kingdom, 
we middlesins people have often watched the sky overreaching 
the land. We suddenly have. Our isle is Sainge. The place. That 
^ stern chuckler Mayhappy Mayhapnot, once said to repeation 

in that lutran conservatory way of his that Isitachapel-Asitalukin 
was the one place, ult aut nult^ in this madh vaal of tares (whose 
verdhure's yellowed therever Phaiton parks his car while its 
tamelised tay is the drame of Drainophilias) where the possible 
was the improbable and the improbable the inevitable. If the pro- 
verbial bishop of our holy and undivided with this me ken or no 
f^\.<^^' me ken Zot is the Quiztune havvernjgshed had his twoe nails 
^ on the head we are in for a sequentiality_ of improbable possibles 
though possibly nobody after having grubbed up a lock of cwold 
cworn aboove his subject probably in Harrystotalies or the vivle 
will go out of his way to applaud him on the onboiassed back of 
his remark for utterly impossible as are all these events they are 
probably as like those which may have taken place as any others 
which never took person at all are ever likely to be. Ahahn! 

About that originaLhen. Midwinter (frujir or kuur?) was in the 
offing and Premver a promise of a pril when, as kischabrigies sang 
life's old sahatsong, an iceclad shiverer, merest of bantlings ob- 
/ served a cold fowl behaviourising strangely on that fatal midden 
or chip factory or comicalbottomed copsjute (dump for short) 
afterwards changed into the orangery when in the course of 
deeper demolition unexpectedly one bushman's holiday its limon 
threw up a few spontaneous fragments of orangepeel, the last 
remains of an outdoor meal by some unknown sunseeker or place- 
hider illico way back in his mistridden past. What child of a strand- 
/jiK^"^^ looper but keepy little Kevin in the despondful surrounding of 
such sneezing cold would ever have trouved up on a strate that 
was called strete a motive for future saintity by euchring the 
finding of the Ardagh chalice by another heily innocent and 
beachwalker whilst trying with pious clamour to wheedle Tip- 

iio 



,0 



5 y / ^v^^>-^ 



\ 

I 

■ 



t^'^-^^ fCc^ 5t> "TVjl ^C<r^ AJ_fiAAi yvA^w 



r * 

peraw raw raw reeraw puteters out of Now Sealand in spignt 
of the patchpurple of the massacre, a dual a duel to die to 
day, goddam and biggod, sticks and stanks, of most of the 
Jacobiters. 

The bird in the case was Bdgjda of the Dorans, a more than 
quinquegintarian (Terziis prize with Serni medal, Cheepalizzy's 
Hane Exposition) and what she was scratching at the hour of 
klokking twelve looked for all this zogzag world like a goodish- 
sized sheet of letterpaper originating by transhipt from Boston 
(Mass.) of the last of the first to Dear whom it proceded to 
mention Maggy well & allathome's health well only the hate 
turned the mild on the van Houtens and the general's elections 
with a lovely face of some born gentleman with a beautiful present 
of wedding cakes for dear thankyou Chriesty and with grand 
funferall of poor Father Michael don't forget unto life's & Muggy 
well how are you Maggy &: hopes soon to hear well & must now 
close it with fondest to the twoinns with four crosskisses for holy 
paul holey corner holipoli whollyisland pee ess from (locust may 
eat all but this sign shall they never) affectionate largelooking 
tache of tch. The stain, and that a teastain (the overcautelousness ^ 
of the masterbilker here, as usual, signing the page away), marked 
it off on the spout of the moment as a genuine relique of ancient 
Irish pleasant pottery of that l ydialik e languishing class known as 
a hurry-me-o'er-the-hazy. it^€7o%' ~^ '^^i:^^ 

Why then how? fi-^^^^ 
Well, almost any photgist worth his chemicots will tip anyone U ^ 
asking him the teaser that if a negative of a horse happens to melt 
enough while drying, well, what you do get is, well, a positively 
grotesquely distorted macromass of all sorts of horsehappy values 
and masses of meltwhile horse. Tip. Well, this freely is what 
must have occurred to our missive (there's a sod of a turb for 
you! please wisp off the grass!) unhlthed from the boucher by 
the sagacity of a lookmelittle likemelong hen. Heated residence 
in the heart of the qrangeflavoured mudmound had partly ob- 
literated the negative to start with, causing some features pal- 
pably nearer your pecker to be swollen up most grossly while 

III 



the farther back we manage to wiggle the more we need the loan 
of a lens to see as much as the hen saw. Tip. 

You is feeling like you was lost in the bush, boy.^ You says: 
It is a puling sample jungle of woods. You most shouts out: 
Bethicket me for a stump of a beech if I have the poultriest no- 
tions what the farest he all means. Gee up, girly! The quad gos- 
pellers may own the targum but any of the Zingari shoolerim 
may pick a peck of kindlings yet from the sack of auld hensyne. 

Lead, kindly fowl! They always did: ask the ages. What bird- 
has done yesterday man may do next year, be it fly, be it moult, 
be it hatch, be it agreement in the nest. For her socioscientific 
sense is sound as a bell, sir, her volucrine automutativeness right 
on normalcy: she knows, she just feels she was kind of born to 
lay and love eggs (trust her to propagate the species and hoosh 
her fluff balls safe through din and danger!); lastly but mostly, in 
her genesic field it is all game and no gammon; she is ladylike in 
everything she does and plays the gentleman's part every time. 
Let us auspice it! Yes, before all this has time to end the golden 
age must return with its vengeance. Man will become dirjgible. 
Ague will be rejuvenated, woman with her ridiculous white bur- 
den will reach by one step sublime incubation, the manewanting 
human lioness with her dishorned discipular manram will lie 
down together publicly flank upon fleece. No, assuredly, they are 
not justified, those gloompourers who grouse that letters have 
never been quite their old selves again since that weird weekday 
in bleak Janiveer (yet how palmy date in a waste's oasis!) when 
to the shock of both, Biddy Doran looked at literature. 

And. She may be a mere marcella, this midget madgetcy, 
Misthress of Arths. But. It is not a hear or say of some anomo- 
rous letter, signed Toga GiriHs, (teasy dear). We have a cop of 
her fist right against our nosibos. We note the paper with her 
jotty young watermark: Notre Dame du Bon Marche, And she 
has a heart of Arin! What lumililts as she fols with her falli- 
mineers and her nadianods. As a strow will shaw she does the 
wind blague, recting to show the rudess of a robur curling and 
shewing the fansaties of a frizette. But how many of her readers 

112 



^^^^^ 



/ 



5r 




realise that she is not out to dizzledazzle with a graith uncouthre- 
ment of postmantuam glasseries from the lapins and the grigs. 
Nuttings on her wilelife! Grabar gooden grandy for old almea- 
nium adamologists like Dariaumaurius and Zovotrimaserov- 
meravmerouvian; (dmzn!); she feel plain plate one flat fact thing 
and if, lastways firdstwise, a man alones sine anyon anyons 
utharas has no rates to done a kik at with anyon anakars about 
tutus milking fores and the rereres on the outerrand asikin the 
tutus to be forrarder. Thingcrooklyexineverypasturesixdix -. 
likencehimaroundhersthemaggerbykinkinkankanwithdownmind- 
lookingated. Mesdaims, Marmouselles, Mescerfs! Silvapais! All 
schwants (schwrites) ischt tell the cock's trootabout him. Ka- 
pak kapuk. No minzies matter. He had to see life foully the ^ 
plak and the smut, (schwrites). There were three men in him 
(schwrites). Dancings (schwrites) was his only ttoo feebles. 
With apple harlottes. And a little mollvogels. Spissially (schwrites) ^ ^ 
when they peaches. Honeys wore camelia paints. Yours very 
truthful. Add dapple inn. Yet is it but an old story, the tale of 
a Treestone with one Ysold, of a Mons held by tentpegs and his 
pal whathploosed on the run, what Cadman could but Badman 
wouldn't, any Genoaman against any Venis, and why Kate takes 
cjiarge of the waxworks. . . 

Let us now, weather, health, dangers, public orders and other 
circumstances permitting, of perfectly convenient, if you police, 
after you, policepolice, pardoning mein, ich beam so fresch, bey? 
drop this jiggerypokery and talk straight turkey meet to mate, for 
while the ear, be we mikealls or nicholists, may sometimes be in- 
clined to believe others the eye, whether browned or nolensed, 
And it devilish hard now and again even to believe itself. Habes 
aures et num videbisF Habes oculos ac mannepalpabuat? Tip 1 Draw- 
ing nearer to take our slant at it (since after all it has met with 
misfortune while all underground), let us see all there may remain 
to be seen. 

I am a worker, a tombstone mason, anxious to pleace avery- 
buries and jully glad when Christmas comes his once ayear. You 
are a poorjoist, unctuous to polise nopebobbies and tunnibelly 

"3 



^^^^ 



■V. 



soully when 'tis thime took o'er home, gin. We cannot say aye 
to aye. We cannot smile noes from noes. Stijl. One cannot help 
noticing that rather more than half of the lines run north-south 
in the Nemzes and Bukarahast directions while the others go 
west-east in search from Maliziies with Bulgarad for, tiny tot 
though it looks when schtschupnistling alongside other incuna- 
bula, it has its cardinal points for all that. These ruled barriers 
along which the traced words, run, march, halt, walk, stumble 
at doubtful points, stumble up again in comparative safety seem 
to have been drawn first of all in a pretty checker with lamp- 
black and blackthorn. Such crossing is antechristian of course, 
but the use of the homeborn shillelagh as an aid to calligraphy 
shows a distinct advance from savagery to barbarism. It is 
seriously believed by some that the intention may have been, 
geodetic, or, in the view of the cannier, domestic economical. 
But by writing thithaways end to end and turning, turning and 
end to end hithaways writing and with lines of litters slittering 
up and louds of latters slettering down, the old semetomyplace 
and jupetbackagain from tham Let Rise till Hum Lit. Sleep, 
where in the waste is the wisdom.'^ 

Another point, in addition to the original sand, pounce pow- 
der, drunkard paper or soft rag used (any vet or inhanger in 
ous sot's social can see the seen for seemself, a wee ftofty od 
room, the cheery spluttered on the one karrig, a darka disheen 
of voos from Dalbania, any gotsquantity of racky, a portogal 
and some buk setting out on the sofer, you remember the 
sort of Softball sucker motru used to tell us when we were all 
biribiyas or nippies and messas) it has acquired accretions of 
terricious matter whilst loitering in the past. The teatimestained 
terminal (say not the tag, mummer, or our show's a failure!) is a 
cosy little brown study all to oneself and, whether it be thumb- 
print, mademark or just a poor trait of the artless, its importance 
in establishing the identities in the writer complexus (for if the 
hand was one, the minds of active and agitated were more than 
so) will be best appreciated by never forgetting that both before 
and after the battle of the Boyne it was a habit not to sign letters 

114 



always. Tip. And it is surely a lesser ignorance to write a word 
with every consonant too few than to add all too many. The 
end.^ Say it with missiles then and thus arabesque the page. You 
have your cup of scalding Souchong, your taper's waxen drop, 
your cat's paw, the clove or coffinnail you chewed or champed 
as you worded it, your lark in clear air. So why, pray, sign any- 
thing as long as every word, letter, penstroke, paperspace is a 
perfect signature of its own.^ A true friend is known much more 
easily, and better into the bargain, by his personal touch, habits 
of full or undress, movements, response to appeals for charity 
than by his footwear, say. And, speaking anent Tiberias and other 
incestuish salacities among gerontophils, a word of warning 
about the tenderloined passion hinted at. Some softnosed per- 
user might mayhem take it up erogenously as the usual case of 
spoons^ pros tituta in herba plus dinky pinks deliberatively summer- 
saulting off her bisexycle, at the main entrance of curate's per- 
petual soutane suit with her one to see and awoh! who picks her 
up as gingerly as any balmbearer would to feel whereupon the 
virgin was most hurt and nicely asking: whyre have you been so 
grace a mauling and where were you chaste me child.'^ Be who, 
farther potential.'^ and so wider but we grisly old Sykos who have 
done our unsmiling bit on 'alices, when they were yung and 
easily freudened, in the penumbra of the procuring room and 
what oracular comepression we have had apply to them! could 
(did we care to sell our feebought silence in camera) tell our very 
moistnostrilled one that father in such virgated contexts is not 
always that undemonstrative relative (often held up to our con- 
tumacy) who settles our hashbill for us and what an innocent all- 
abroad's adverb such as Michaelly looks like can be suggestive 
of under the pudendascope and, finally, what a neurasthene nym- 
pholept, endocrine-pineal typus, of inverted parentage with a 
prepossessing drauma present in her past and a priapic urge for 
congress with agnates before cognates fundamentally is feeling 
for under her lubricitous meiosis when she refers with liking to 
some feeler she fancie's face. And Mm. We could. Yet what need 
to say.'^ 'Tis as human a little story as paper could well carry, in 

"5 



affect, as singsing so Salaman susuing to swittvitles while as un- 
bluffingly blurtubruskblunt as an Esra, the cat, the cat's meeter, 
the meeter's cat's wife, the meeter's cat's wife's half better, the 
meeter's cat's wife's half better's meeter, and so back to our 
horses, for we also know, what we have perused from the pages 
of / IVas A Gemral^ that Showting up of Bulsklivism by *Schot- 
tenboum', that Father Michael about this red time of the white 
terror equals the old regime and Margaret is the social revolution 
while cakes mean the party funds and dear thank you signifies 
national gratitude. In fine, we have heard, as it happened, of 
Spartacus intercellular. We are not corknered yet, dead hand! 
We can recall, with voluntears, the froggy jew, and sweeter far 
'twere now westhinks in Dumbil's fair city ere one more year is 
o'er. We tourned our coasts to the good gay tunes. When from 
down swords the sea merged the oldowth guns and answer made 
the bold O' Dwyer. But. Est modest in verbos. Let a prostitute 
be whoso stands before a door and winks or parks herself in the 
fornix near a makeussin wall (sinsin! sinsin!) and the curate one 
who brings strong waters (gingin! gingin!), but also, and dinna 
forget, that there is many asleeps between someathome's first 
and moreinausland's last and that the beautiful presence of wait- 
ing kates will until life's (!) be more than enough to make any 
milkmike in the language of sweet tarts punch hell's hate into his 
twin nicky and that Maggy's tea, or your majesty, if heard as a 
boost from a born gentleman is (?). For if the lingo gasped between 
kicksheets, however basically English, were to be preached from 
the mouths of wickerchurchwardens and metaphysicians in the 
row and advokaatoes, allvoyous, demivoyelles, languoaths, les- 
biels, dentelles, gutterhowls and furtz, where would their prac- 
tice be or where the human race itself were the Pythagorean ses- 
quipedalia of the panepistemion, however apically Volapucky, 
grunted and gromwelled, ichabod, habakuk, opanoff, uggamyg, 
hapaxle, gomenon, ppppfff, over country stiles, behind slated 
dwellinghouses, down blind lanes, or, when all fruit fails, under 
some sacking left on a coarse cart.'^ 

So hath been, love: tis tis: and will be: till wears and tears and 

ii6 



ages. Thief us the night, steal we the air, shawl thiner liefest, 
mine! Here, Ohere, insult the fair! Traitor, bad hearer, brave! 
The lightning look, the birding cry, awe from the grave, ever- 
flowing on the times, Feueragusaria iordenwater; now godsun 
shine on menday's daughter; a good clap, a fore marriage, a bad 
wake, tell hell's well; such is manowife's lot of lose and win again, 
like he's gruen quhiskers on who's chin again, she plucketed them 
out but they grown in again. So what are you going to do about 
it.^ O dear! 

If juness she saved! Ah ho! And if yulone he pouved! The ol- 
old stoliolum! From quiqui quinet to michemiche chelet and a 
jambebatiste to a brulobrulo! It is told in sounds in utter that, in 
signs so adds to, in universal, in polygluttural, in each auxiliary 
neutral idiom, sordomutics, florilingua, sheltafocal, flayflutter, a 
con's cubane, a pro's tutute, strassarab, ereperse and anythongue 
athall. Since nozzy Nanette tripped palmy ways with Highho 
Harry there's a spurtfire turf a'kind o'kindling when oft as the 
soufFsoufF blows her peaties up and a claypot wet for thee, my 
Sitys, and talkatalka tell Tibbs has eve: and whathough (revilous 
life proving aye the death of ronaldses when winpower wine has 
bucked the kick on poor won man) billiousness has been billious- 
ness during milliums of millenions and our mixed racings have 
been giving two hoots or three jeers for the grape, vine and brew 
and Pieter's in Nieuw Amsteldam and Paoli's where the poules 
go and rum smelt his end for him and he dined off sooth ameri- 
can (it would give one the frier even were one a normal Kettle- 
licker) this oldworld epistola of their weatherings and their 
marryings and their buryings and their natural selections has 
combled tumbled down to us fersch and made-at-all-hours like 
an ould cup on tay. As I was hottin me souser. Haha! And as 
you was caldin your dutchy hovel. Hoho! She tole the tail or 
her toon. Huhu! 

Now, kapnimancy and infusionism may both fit as tight as 
two trivets but while we in our wee free state, holding to that 
prestatute in our charter, may have our irremovable doubts as 
to the whole sense of the lot, the interpretation of any phrase in 

117 



the whole, the meaning of every word of a phrase so far de- 
ciphered out of it, however unfettered our Irish daily indepen- 
dence, we must vaunt no idle dubiosity as to its genuine author- 
ship and holusbolus authoritativeness. And let us bringtheecease 
to beakerings on that clink, olmond bottler! On the face of it, 
to volt back to our desultory horses, and for your roughshod 
mind, bafflelost bull, the affair is a thing once for all done and 
there you are somewhere and finished in a certain time, be it a 
day or a year or even supposing, it should eventually turn out 
to be a serial number of goodness gracious alone knows how 
many days or years. Anyhow, somehow and somewhere, before 
the bookflood or after her ebb, somebody mentioned by name in 
his telephone directory, Coccolanius or Gallotaurus, wrote it, 
wrote it all, wrote it all down, and there you are, full stop. O, 
undoubtedly yes, and very potably so, but one who deeper thinks 
will always bear in the baccbuccus of his mind that this down- 
right there you are and there it is is only all in his eye. Why.'^ 

Because, Soferim Bebel, if it goes to that, (and dormerwindow 
gossip will cry it from the housetops no surelier than the writing 
on the wall will hue it to the mod of men that mote in the main 
street) every person, place and thing in the chaosmos of Alle 
anyway connected with the gobblydumped turkery was moving 
and changing every part of the time: the travelling inkhorn 
(possibly pot), the hare and turtle pen and paper, the continually 
more and less intermisunderstanding minds of the anticollabora- 
tors, the as time went on as it will variously inflected, differently 
pronounced, otherwise spelled, changeably meaning vocable 
scriptsigns. No, so holp me Petault, it is not a miseffectual why- 
acinthinous riot of blots and blurs and bars and balls and hoops 
and wriggles and juxtaposed jottings linked by spurts of speed: 
it only looks as like it as damn it; and, sure, we ought really to 
rest thankful that at this deleteful hour of dungflies dawning we 
have even a written on with dried ink scrap of paper at all to show 
for ourselves, tare it or leaf it, (and we are lufted to ourselves as 
the soulfisher when he led the cat out of the bout) after all that 
we lost and plundered of it even to the hidmost coignings of the 

ii8 



earth and all it has gone through and by all means, after a good 
ground kiss to Terracussa and for wars luck our lefftoff's flung 
over our home homoplate, cling to it as with drowning hands, 
hoping against hope all the while that, by the light of philo- 
phosy, (and may she never folsage us!) things will begin to clear 
up a bit one way or another within the next quarrel of an hour 
and be hanged to them as ten to one they will too, please the pigs, 
as they ought to categorically, as, stricly between ourselves, there 
is a limit to all things so this will never do. 

For, with that farmfrow's foul flair for that flayfell foxfetor, 
(the calamite's columitas calling for calamitous calamitance) who 
that scrutinising marvels at those indignant whiplooplashes; those 
so prudently bolted or blocked rounds; the touching reminiscence 
of an incompletet trail or dropped final; a round thousand whirli- 
gig glorioles, prefaced by (alas!) now illegible airy plumeflights, 
all tiberiously ambiembellishing the initials majuscule of Ear- 
wicker: the meant to be baffling chrismon trilithon sign m, finally 
called after some his hes hecitency Hec, which, moved contra- 
watchwise, represents his title in sigla as the smaller A, fontly 
called following a certain change of state of grace of nature alp 
or delta, when single, stands for or tautologically stands beside 
the consort: (though for that matter, since we have heard from 
Cathay cyrcles how the hen is not mirely a tick or two after the 
first fifth fourth of the second eighth twelfth — siangchang 
hongkong sansheneul — but yirely the other and thirtieth of the 
ninth from the twentieth, our own vulgar 432 and 1132 irre- 
spectively, why not take the former for a village inn, the latter 
for an upsidown bridge, a multiplication marking for crossroads 
ahead, which you like pothook for the family gibbet, their old 
fourwheedler for the bucker's field, a tea anyway for a tryst 
someday, and his onesidemissing for an allblind alley leading to 
an Irish plot in the Champ de Mors, not?) the steady monologuy 
of the interiors; the pardonable confusion for which some blame 
the cudgel and more blame the soot but unthanks to which 
the pees with their caps awry are quite as often as not taken 
for kews with their tails in their or are quite as often as not 

119 



taken for pews with their tails in their mouths, thence your 
pristopher polombos, hence our Kat Kresbyterians; the curt 
witty wotty dashes never quite just right at the trim trite 
truth letter; the sudden spluttered petulance of some capitalised 
middle; a word as cunningly hidden in its maze of confused 
drapery as a fieldmouse in a nest of coloured ribbons: that ab- 
surdly bullsfooted bee declaring with an even plainer dummp- 
show than does the mute commoner with us how hard a thing it 
is to mpe mpom a gentlerman: and look at this prepronominal 
funferal^ engraved and retouched and edgewiped and pudden- 
padded, very like a whale's egg farced with pemmican, as were it 
sentenced to be nuzzled over a full trillion times for ever and a 
night till his noddle sink or swim by that ideal reader suffering 
from an ideal insomnia: all those red raddled obeli cayennepep- 
percast over the text, calling unnecessary attention to errors, 
omissions, repetitions and misalignments: that (probably local or 
personal) variant maggers for the more generally accepted ma- 
jesty which is but a trifle and yet may quietly amuse: those super- 
ciliouslooking crisscrossed Greek ees awkwardlike perched there 
and here out of date like sick owls hawked back to Athens: and 
the geegees too, jesuistically formed at first but afterwards genu- 
flected aggrily toewards the Occident: the Ostrogothic kako- 
graphy affected for certain phrases of Etruscan stabletalk and, in 
short, the learning betrayed at almost every line's end: the head- 
strength (at least eleven men of thirty two palfry craft) revealed 
by a constant labour to make a ghimel pass through the eye of an 
iota: this, for instance, utterly unexpected sinistrogyric return to 
one peculiar sore point in the past; those throne open doubleyous 
(of an early muddy terranean origin whether man chooses to 
damn them agglutinatively loo — too — blue — face — ache or 
illvoodawpeehole or, kants koorts, topplefouls) seated with such 
floprightdown determination and reminding uus ineluctably of 
nature at her naturalest while that fretful fidget eff, the hornful 
digamma of your bornabarbar, rarely heard now save when falling 
from the unfashionable lipsus of some hetarosexual (used always 
in two boldfaced print types — one of them as wrongheaded as 

1 20 



his Claudian brother, is it worth while interrupting to say? — 
throughout the papyrus as the revise mark) stalks all over the 
page, broods i sensationseeking an idea, amid the verbiage, 
gaunt, stands dejectedly in the diapered window margin, with 
its basque of bayleaves all aflutter about its forksfrogs, paces 
with a frown, jerking to and fro, flinging phrases here, there, or 
returns inhibited, with some half-halted suggestion, L, dragging 
its shoestring; the curixiuis warning sign before our protoparent's 
ipsissima verba (a very pure nondescript, by the way, sometimes 
a palmtailed otter, more often the arbutus fruitflowerleaf of the 
cainapple) which paleographers call a leak in the thatch or the 
Aranman ingperwhis through the hole of his hat^ indicating that the 
words which follow may be taken in any order desired, hole of 
Aran man the hat through the whispering his ho (here keen 
again and begin again to make soundsense and sensesound kin 
again); those haughtypitched disdotted aiches easily of the rariest 
inasdroll as most of the jaywalking eyes we do plough into halve, 
unconnected, principial, medial or final, always jims in the jam, 
sahib, as pipless as threadworms: the innocent exhibitionism of 
those frank yet capricious underlinings: that strange exotic serpen- 
tine, since so properly banished from our scripture, about as freak- 
wing a wetterhand now as to see a rightheaded ladywhite don a 
corkhorse, which, in its invincible insolence ever longer more and 
of more morosity, seems to uncoil spirally and swell lacertinelazily 
before our eyes under pressure of the writer's hand; the ungainly 
musicianlessness so painted in sculpting selfsounder ah ha as 
blackartful as a podatus and dumbfounder oh ho oaproariose as 
ten canons in skelterfugue: the studious omission of year number 
and era name from the date, the one and only time when our 
copyist seems at least to have grasped the beauty of restraint; the 
lubricitous conjugation of the last with the first: the gipsy mat- 
ing of a grand stylish gravedigging with secondbest buns (an in- 
terpolation: these munchables occur only in the Bootherbrowth 
family of MSS., Bb — Cod IV, Pap II, Brek XI, Lun III, Dinn 
XVII, Sup XXX, Fullup M D C X C: the scholiast has hungrily 
misheard a deadman's toller as a mufiinbell): the four shortened 

121 



ampersands under which we can glypse at and feel for ourselves 
across all those rushyears the warm soft short pants of the quick- 
scribbler: the vocative lapse from which it begins and the accu- 
sative hole in which it ends itself; the aphasia of that heroic agony 
of recalling a once loved number leading slip by slipper to a 
general amnesia of misnomering one's own: next those ars, rrrr! 
those ars all bellical, the highpriest's hieroglyph of kettletom and 
oddsbones, wrasted redhandedly from our hallowed rubric prayer 
for truce with booty, 0' Remus pro Romulo^ and rudely from the 
fane's pinnacle tossed down by porter to within an aim's ace of 
their quatrain of rubyjets among Those Who arse without the 
Temple nor since Roe's Distillery burn'd have quaff'd Night's 
firefiird Cup But jig jog jug as Day the Dicebox Throws, whang, 
loyal sLx I lead, out wi'yer heart's bluid, blast ye, and there she's 
for you, sir, whang her, the fine ooman, rouge to her lobster 
locks, the rossy, whang, God and O'Mara has it with his ruddy 
old Villain Rufus, wait, whang, God and you're another he 
hasn't for there's my spoil five of spuds's trumps, whang, whack 
on his pigsking's Kisser for him, K.M. O'Mara where are you?; 
then (coming over to the left aisle corner down) the cruciform 
postscript from which three basia or shorter and smaller oscula 
have been overcarefully scraped away, plainly inspiring the tene- 
brous Tunc page of the Book of Kells (and then it need not be 
lost sight of that there are exactly three squads of candidates for 
the crucian rose awaiting their turn in the marginal panels of 
Columkiller, chugged in their three ballotboxes, then set apart for 
such hanging committees, where two was enough for anyone, 
starting with old Matthew himself, as he with great disdnction 
said then just as since then people speaking have fallen into the 
custom, when speaking to a person, of saying two is company 
when the third person is the person darkly spoken of, and then 
that last labiolingual hasium might be read as a suavium if who- 
ever the embracer then was wrote with a tongue in his (or per- 
haps her) cheek as the case may have been then); and the fatal 
droopadwindle slope of the blamed scrawl, a sure sign of imper- 
fectible moral blindness; the toomuchness, the fartoomanyness 

122 



of all those fourlegged ems: and why spell dear god with a big 
thick dhee (why, O why, O why?): the cut and dry aks and wise 
form of the semifinal; and, eighteenthly or twentyfourthly, but 
at least, thank Maurice, lastly when all is zed and done, the pene- 
lopean patience of its last paraphe, a colophon of no fewer than 
seven hundred and thirtytwo strokes tailed by a leaping lasso — 
who thus at all this marvelling but will press on hotly to see the 
vaulting feminine libido of those interbranching ogham sex up- 
andinsweeps sternly controlled and easily repersuaded by the 
uniform matteroffactness of a meandering male fist? 

Duff-Muggli, who now may be quoted by very kind arrange- 
ment (his dectroscophonious photosensition under suprasonic 
light control may be logged for by our none too distant futures 
as soon astone values can be turned out from Chromophilomos, 
Limited at a millicentime the microamp), first called this kind of 
paddygoeasy partnership the ulykkhean or tetrachiric or quad- 
rumane or ducks and drakes or debts and dishes perplex (v. Some 
Forestallings over that Studium of Sexophonologistic Schiiophre- 
nesis, vol. xxiv, pp. 2-555) ^^^^^ ^he wellinformed observation, 
made miles apart from the Master by Tung-Toyd (cf. Later 
Frustrations amengst the Neomugglian Teachings abaft the Semi- 
unconsciencey passim) that in the case of the littleknown periplic 
bestteller popularly associated with the names of the wretched 
mariner (trianforan deffwedoff our plumsucked pattern shape- 
keeper) a Punic admiralty report. From MacPersons Oshean 
Round By the Tides of Jason s Cruise^ had been cleverly capsized 
and saucily republished as a dodecanesian baedeker of the every- 
tale-a-treat-in-itself variety which could hope satisfactorily to 
tickle me gander as game as your goose. 

The unmistaken identity of the persons in the Tiberiast du- 
plex came to light in the most devious of ways. The original 
document was in what is known as Hanno O'Nonhanno's un- 
brookable script, that is to say, it showed no signs of punctua- 
tion of any sort. Yet on holding the verso against a lit rush this 
new book of Morses responded most remarkably to the silent 
query of our world's oldest light and its recto let out the piquant 

123 



fact that it was but pierced butnot punctured (in the university 
sense of the term) by numerous stabs and foliated gashes made 
by a pronged instrument. These paper wounds, four in type, 
were gradually and correctly understood to mean stop, please 
stop, do please stop, and O do please stop respectively, and 
following up their one true clue, the circumflexuous wall of a 
singleminded men's asylum, accentuated by bi tso fb rok engl 
a ssan dspl itch ina, — Yard inquiries pointed out — ^ that they 
ad bin "provoked" ay A fork, of a grave Brofesor; ath e's Br^ak 
— fast — table; ; acutely professionally piqued^ to=introdiice a 
notion of time [upon a plane (?) su ' ' fag'e'] by pianct! ingh oles 
(sic) in iSpace?! Deeply religious by nature and position, and 
warmly attached to Thee, and smearbread and better and Him 
and newlaidills, it was rightly suspected that such ire could not 
have been visited by him Brotfressor Prenderguest even under- 
wittingly, upon the ancestral pneuma of one whom, with rheuma, 
he venerated shamelessly at least once a week at Cockspur Com- 
mon as his apple in his eye and her first boys' best friend and, 
though plain English for a married lady misled heaps by the way, 
yet when some peerer or peeress detected that the fourleaved 
shamrock or quadrifoil jab was more recurrent wherever the 
script was clear and the term terse and that these two were the 
selfsame spots naturally selected for her perforations by Dame 
Partlet on her dungheap, thinkers all put grown in waterung- 
spillfull Pratiland only and a playful fowl and musical me and 
not you in any case, two and two together, and, with a swarm 
of hisses honeyhunting after, a sigh for shyme (O, the petty- 
bonny rouge!) separated modest mouths. So be it. And it was. 
The letter making of the explots of Fjorgn Camhelsson when he 
was in the Kvinnes country with Soldru's men. With acknow- 
ledgment of our fervour of the first instant he remains years most 
fainfully. For postscrapt see spoils. Though not yet had the sailor 
sipped that sup nor the humphar foamed to the fill. And fox and 
geese still kept the peace around LAuherge du Pere Adam, 

Small need after that, old Jeromesolem, old Huffsnuff, old 
Andycox, old Olecasandrum, for quizzing your weekenders come 

124 



! 



to the R.Q. with: shoots ofF in a hiss, muddles up in a mussmass 
and his whole's a dismantled noondrunkard's son. Howbeit we 
heard not a son of sons to leave by him to oceanic society in his 
old man without a thing in his ignorance, Tulko MacHooley. 
And it was thus he was at every time, that son, and the other 
time, the day was in it and after the morrow Diremood is the 
name is on the writing chap of the psalter, the juxtajunctor of a 
dearmate and he passing out of one desire into its fellow. The 
daughters are after going and loojing for him, Torba's nice- 
lookers of the fair neck. Wanted for millinary servance to 
olderly's person by the Totty Askinses. Formelly confounded 
with amother. Maybe growing a moustache, did you say, with 
an adorable look of amuzement? And uses noclass billiardhalls 
with an upandown ladder? Not Hans the Curier though had he 
had have only had some little laughings and some less of cheeks 
and were he not so warried by his bulb of persecussion he could 
have, ay, and would have, as true as Essex bridge. And not Go- 
pheph go gossip, I declare to man! Noel To all's much relief 
one's half hypothesis of that jabberjaw ape amok the showering 
jestnuts of Bruisanose was hotly dropped and his room taken up 
by that odious and still today insufficiently malestimated note- 
snatcher (kak, pfooi, bosh and fiety, much earny, Gus, poteen? 
Sez you!) Shem the Penman. 



125 



So? 

Who do you no tonigh, lazy and gentleman? 

The echo is where in the back of the wodes; callhim forth! 

(Shaun Mac Irewick, briefdragger, for the concern of Messrs 
Jhon Jhamieson and Song, rated one hundrick and thin per 
storehundred on this nightly quisquiquock of the twelve apos- 
trophes, set by Jockit Mic Ereweak. He misunderstruck and aim 
for am olio of number three of them and left his free natural ri- 
postes to four of them in their own fine artful disorder,) 

I. What secondtonone myther rector and maximost bridges- 
maker was the first to rise taller through his beanstale than the 
bluegum buaboababbaun or the giganteous Wellingtonia Sequoia; 
went nudiboots with trouters into a lifFeyette when she was 
barely in her tricklies; was well known to claud a conciliation 
cap onto the esker of his booth; sports a chainganger's albert 
solemenly over his hullender's epulence; thought he weighed a 
new ton when there felled his first lapapple; gave the heinous- 
ness of choice to everyknight betwixt yesterdicks and twomaries; 
had sevenal successivecoloured serebanmaids on the same big 
white drawringroam horthrug; is a Willbeforce to this hour at 
house as he was in heather; pumped the catholick wartrey and 
shocked the prodestung boyne; killed his own hungery self in 
anger as a young man; found fodder for five when allmarken 
rose gofiooded; with Hirish tutores Cornish made easy; voucher 

126 



of rotables, toll of the road; bred manyheaded stepsons for one 
leapyourown taughter; is too funny for a fish and has too much 
outside for an insect; like a heptagon crystal emprisoms trues and 
fauss for us; is infinite swell in unfitting induments; once was he 
shovelled and once was he arsoned and once was he inundered 
and she hung him out billbailey; has a quadrant in his tile to tell 
Toler cad a'clog it is; offers chances to Long on but stands up 
to Legge before; found coal at the end of his harrow and moss- 
roses behind the seams; made a fort out of his postern and wrote 
F.E.R.T. on his buckler; is escapemaster-in-chief from all sorts 
of houdingplaces; if he outharrods against barkers, to the shool- 
bred he acts whiteley; was evacuated at the mere appearance of 
three germhuns and twice besieged by a sweep; from zoomor- 
phology to omnianimalism he is brooched by the spin of a coin; 
towers, an eddistoon amid the lampless, casting swannbeams on 
the deep; threatens thunder upon malefactors and sends whispers 
up fraufrau's froufrous; when Dook Hookbackcrook upsits his 
ass booseworthies jeer and junket but they boos him oos and baas 
his aas when he lukes like Hunkett Plunkett; by sosannsos and 
search a party on a lady of this city; business, reading news- 
paper, smoking cigar, arranging tumblers on table, eating meals, 
pleasure, etcetera, etcetera, pleasure, eating meals, arranging tum- 
blers on table, smoking cigar, reading newspaper, business; 
minerals, wash and brush up, local views, juju toffee, comic and 
birthdays cards; those were the days and he was their hero; pink 
sunset shower, red clay cloud, sorrow or Sahara, oxhide or Iren; 
arraigned and attainted, listed and lited, pleaded and proved; 
catches his check at banck of Indgangd and endurses his doom at 
chapel exit; brain of the franks, hand of the christian, tongue of 
the north; commands to dinner and calls the bluff; has a block at 
Morgen's and a hatache all the afternunch; plays gehamerat when 
he's ernst but misses mausey when he's lustyg; walked as far as 
the Head where he sat in state as the Rump; shows Early Eng- 
lish tracemarks and a marigold window with manigilt lights, a 
myrioscope, two remarkable piscines and three wellworthseeing 
ambries; arches all portcullised and his nave dates from dots; is 

127 



a horologe unstoppable and the Benn of all bells; fuit, isst and 
herit and though he's mildewstaned he's mouldystoned; is a quer- 
cuss in the forest but plane member for Megalopolis; mountun- 
mighty, faunonfleetfoot; plank in our platform, blank in our 
scouturn; hidal, in carucates he is enumerated, hold as an earl, 
he counts; shipshaped phrase of buglooking words with a form 
like the easing moments of a graminivorous; to our dooms 
brought he law, our manoirs he made his vill of; was an over- 
grind to the underground and acqueduced for fierythroats; sends 
boys in socks acoughawhooping when he lets farth his carbon- 
oxside and silk stockings show her shapings when he looses hose 
on hers; stocks dry puder for the 111 people and pinkun's pellets 
for all the Pale; gave his mundyfoot to Miserius, her pinch to 
Anna Livia, that superfine pigtail to Cerisia Cerosia and quid 
rides to Titius, Caius and Sempronius; made the man who had 
no notion of shopkeepers feel he'd rather play the duke than play 
the gentleman; shot two queans and shook three caskles when 
he won his game of dwarfs; fumes inwards like a strombolist till 
he smokes at both ends; manmote, befier of him, womankind, 
pietad!; shows one white drift of snow among the gorsegrowth 
of his crown and a chaperon of repentance on that which shed 
gore; pause and quies, triple bill; went by metro for the polis and 
then hoved by; to the finders, hail! woa, you that seek!; whom 
fillth had plenished, dearth devoured; hock is leading, cocoa comes 
next, emery tries for the flag; can dance the O' Bruin's polerpasse 
at Noolahn to his own orchistruss accompaniment; took place 
before the internatural convention of catholic midwives and 
found stead before the congress for the study of endonational 
calamities; makes a delictuous entree and finishes off the course 
between sweets and savouries; flouts for forecasts, flairs for finds 
and the fun of the fray on the fairground; cleared out three hun- 
dred sixty five idles to set up one all khalassal for henwives hoping 
to have males; the flawhoolagh, the grasping one, the kindler of 
paschal fire; forbids us our trespassers as we forgate him; the 
phoenix be his pyre, the cineres his sire!; piles big pelium on 
little ossas like the pilluls of hirculeads; has an eatupus complex 

128 



1 



and a drinkthedregs kink; wurstmeats for chumps and cowcar- 
lows for scullions; when he plies for our favour is very trolly 
ours; two psychic espousals and three desertions; may be matter 
of fact now but was futter of magd then; Cattermole Hill, ex- 
mountain of flesh was reared up by stress and sank under strain; 
tank it up, dank it up, tells the tailor to his tout; entoutcas for a 
man, but bit a thimble for a maid; blimp, blump; a dud letter, a sing 
a song a sylble; a byword, a sentence with surcease; while stands 
his canyouseehim frails shall fall; was hatched at Cellbridge but 
ejoculated abrood; as it gan in the biguinnengs so wound up in 
a battle of Boss; Roderick, Roderick, Roderick, O, youVe gone 
the way of the Danes; variously catalogued, regularly regrouped; 
a bushboys holoday, a quacker's mating, a wenches' sandbath; 
the same homoheatherous checkinlossegg as when sollyeye airly 
blew ye; real detonation but false report; spa mad but inn sane; 
half emillian via bogus census but a no street hausmann when 
allphannd; is the handiest of all andies and a most alleghant spot 
to dump your hump; hands his secession to the new patricius but 
plumps plebmatically for the bloody old centuries; eats with 
doors open and ruts with gates closed; some dub him Rotshield 
and more limn him Rockyfellow; shows he's fly to both demis- 
fairs but thries to cover up his tracers; seven dovecotes cooclaim 
to have been pigeonheim to this homer, Smerrnion, Rhoebok, 
Kolonsreagh, Seapoint, Quayhowth, Ashtown, Ratheny; inde- 
pendent of the lordship of chamberlain, acknowledging the rule 
of Rome; we saw thy farm at Useful Prine, Domhnall, Domhnall; 
reeks like Illbelpaese and looks like Iceland's ear; lodged at quot 
places, lived through tot reigns; takes a szumbath for his weekend 
and a wassarnap for his refreskment; after a good bout at stool- 
ball enjoys Giroflee Giroflaa; what Nevermore missed and 
Colombo found; believes in everyman his own goaldkeeper and 
in Africa for the fullblacks; the arc of his drive was forty full 
and his stumps were pulled at eighty; boasts him to the thick-in- 
thews the oldest creater in Aryania and looks down on the Suiss 
family Collesons whom he calls les nouvelles roches; though his 
heart, soul and spirit turn to pharaoph times, his love, faith and 

129 



hope stick to futuerism; light leglifters cense him souriantes from 
afore while boor browbenders curse him grommelants to his 
hindmost; between youlasses and yeladst glimse of Even; the 
Lug his peak has, the Luk his pile; drinks tharr and wodhar for 
his asama and eats the unparishable sow to styve off reglar rack; 
the beggars cloak them reclined about his paddystool, the whores 
winken him as they walk their side; on Christienmas at Advent 
Lodge, New Yealand, after a lenty illness the roeverand Mr 
Easterling of pentecostitis, no followers by bequest, fanfare all 
private; Gone Where Glory Waits Him (Ball, bulletist) but Not 
Here Yet (Maxwell, dark); comminxed under articles but phoe- 
nished a borgiess; from the vat on the bier through the burre in 
the dark to the buttle of the bawn; is Ai an the highest but Roh 
re his root; filled fanned of hackleberries whenas all was tuck 
and toss up for him as a yangster to fall fou of hockinbechers 
wherein he had gauged the use of raisin; ads aliments, das doles, 
raps rustics, tams turmoil; sas seed enough for a semination but 
sues skivvies on the sly; learned to speak from hand to mouth 
till he could talk earish with his eyes shut; hacked his way through 
hickheckhocks but hanged hishelp from there hereafters; rialtos, 
annesleyg, binn and balls to say nothing atolk of New Comyn; 
the gleam of the glow of the shine of the sun through the 
dearth of the dirth on the blush of the brick of the viled ville of 
Barnehulme has dust turned to brown; these dyed to tartan him, 
rueroot, dulse, bracken, teasel, fuller's ash, sundew and cress; 
long gunn but not for cotton; stood his sharp assault of famine 
but grew girther, girther and girther; he has twenty four or so 
cousins germinating in the United States of America and a 
namesake with an initial difference in the once kingdom of 
Poland; his first's a young rose and his second's French- 
Egyptian and his whole means a slump at Christie's; forth of his 
pierced part came the woman of his dreams, blood thicker then 
water last trade overseas; buyshop of Glintylook, eorl of Hoed; 
you and I are in him surrented by brwn bldns; Elin's flee polt 
pelhaps but Hwang Chang evelytime; he one was your of high- 
bigpipey boys but fancy him as smoking fags his at time of 

130 



m 



life; Mount of Mish, Mell of Moy; had two cardinal ventures and 
three capitol sinks; has a peep in his pocketbook and a packet- 
boat in his keep; B.V.H., B.L.G., P.P.M., T.D.S., V.B.D., 
T.C.H., L.O.N.; is Breakfates, Lunger, Diener and Souper; as 
the streets were paved with cold he felt his topperairy; taught 
himself skating and learned how to fall; distinctly dirty but rather 
a dear; hoveth chieftains evrywehr, with morder; Ostman 
Effendi, Serge Paddishaw; baases two mmany, outpriams aF 
his parisites; first of the fenians, roi des faineants^ his Tiara of 
scones was held unfillable till one Liam Fail felled him in West- 
munster; was struck out of his sittem when he rowed saulely to 
demask us and to our appauling predicament brought as plagues 
from Buddapest; put a matchhead on an aspenstalk and set the 
living a fire; speared the rod and spoiled the lightning; married 
with cakes and repunked with pleasure; till he was buried how- 
happy was he and he made the welkins ring with Up Micawberf; 
god at the top of the staircase, carrion on the mat of straw; 
the false hood of a spindler web chokes the cavemouth of his 
unsightliness but the nestlings that liven his leafscreen sing him 
a lover of arbuties; we strike hands over his bloodied warsheet 
but we are pledged entirely to his green mantle; our friend 
vikelegal, our swaran foi; under the four stones by his streams 
who vanished the wassailbowl at the joy of shells; Mora and 
Lora had a hill of a high time looking down on his confusion till 
firm look in readiness, forward spear and the windfoot of curach 
strewed the lakemist of Lego over the last of his fields; we 
darkened for you, faulterer, in the year of mourning but we'll 
fidhil to the dimtwinklers when the streamy morvenlight calls up 
the sunbeam; his striped pantaloons, his rather strange walk; 
hereditatis columna erecta^ hagion chiton eraphon; nods a nap for 
the nonce but crows cheerio when they get ecunemical; is a simul- 
taneous equator of elimbinated integras when three upon one is 
by inspection improper; has the most conical hodpiece of con- 
fusianist heronim and that chuchuffuous chinchin of his is like 
a footsey kungoloo around Taishantyland; he's as globeful as a 
gasometer of lithium and luridity and he was thrice ten anular 

131 



years before he wallowed round Raggiant Circos; the cabalstone 
at the coping of his cavin is a canine constant but only an amiri- 
can could apparoxemete the apeupresiosity of his atlast's alonge- 
ment; sticklered rights and lefts at Baddersdown in his hunt for 
the boar trwth but made his end with the modareds that came 
at him in Camlenstrete; a hunnibal in exhaustive conflict, an otho 
to return; burning body to aiger air on melting mountain in 
wooing wave; we go into him sleepy children, we come out of 
him strucklers for life; he divested to save from the Mrs Drown- 
ings their rival queens while Grimshaw, Bragshaw and Renshaw 
made off with his storen clothes; taxed and rated, licensed and 
ranted; his threefaced stonehead was found on a whitehorse hill 
and the print of his costellous feet is seen in the goat's grass- 
circle; pull the blind, toll the deaf and call dumb, lame and halty; 
Miraculone, Monstrucceleen; led the upplaws at the Creation and 
hissed a snake charmer off her stays; hounded become haunter, 
hunter become fox; harrier, marrier, terrier, tav; Olaph the Ox- 
man, Thorker the Tourable; you feel he is Vespasian yet you 
think of him as Aurelius; whugamore, tradertory, socianist, com- 
moniser; made a summer assault on our shores and begiddy got 
his sands full; first he shot down Raglan Road and then he tore 
up Marlborough Place; Cromlechheight and Crommalhill were 
his farfamed feetrests when our lurch as lout let free into the 
Lubar beloved; mareschalled his wardmotes and delimited the 
main; netted before nibbling, can scarce turn a scale but, grossed 
after meals, weighs a town in himself; Banba prayed for his con- 
version, Beurla missed that grand old voice; a Colossus among 
cabbages, the Melarancitrone of fruits; larger than life, doughtier 
than death; Gran Turco, orege forment; lachsembulger, leperlean; 
the sparkle of his genial fancy, the depth of his calm sagacity, the 
clearness of his spotless honour, the flow of his boundless bene- 
volence; our family furbear, our tribal tarnpike; quary was he 
invincibled and cur was he burked; partitioned Irskaholm, united 
Irishmen; he took a svig at his own methyr but she tested a bit 
gorky and as for the salmon he was coming up in him all life 
long; comm, eilerdich, hecklebury and sawyer thee, warden; 

132 



silent as the bee in honey, stark as the breath on hauwck, Cos- 
tello, Kinsella, Mahony, Moran, though you rope Amrique your 
home ruler is Dan; figure right, he is hoisted by the scurve of 
his shaggy neck, figure left, he is rationed in isobaric patties 
among the crew; one asks was he poisoned, one thinks how much 
did he leave; ex-gardener (Riesengebirger), fitted up with 
planturous existencies would make Roseoogreedy (mite's) little 
hose; taut sheets and scuppers awash but the oil silk mack Liebs- 
terpet micks his aquascutum; the enjoyment he took in kay 
women, the employment he gave to gee men; sponsor to a squad 
of piercers, ally to a host of rawlies; against lightning, explosion, 
fire, earthquake, flood, whirlwind, burglary, third party, rot, loss 
of cash, loss of credit, impact of vehicles; can rant as grave as 
oxtail soup and chat as gay as a porto flippant; is unhesitent in 
his unionism and yet a pigotted nationalist; Sylviacola is shy of 
him, Matrosenhosens nose the joke; shows the sinews of peace in 
his chest-o-wars; fiefeofhome, ninehundred and thirtunine years 
of copyhold; is aldays open for polemypolity's sake when he's not 
suntimes closed for the love of Janus; sucks life's eleaxir from 
the pettipickles of the Jewess and ruoulls in sulks if any popeling 
runs down the Huguenots; Boomaport, Walleslee, Ubermeerschall 
Blowcher and Supercharger, Monsieur Ducrow, Mister Mudson, 
master gardiner; to one he's just paunch and judex, to another 
full of beans and brehons; hallucination, cauchman, ectoplasm; 
passed for baabaa blacksheep till he grew white woo woo woolly; 
was drummatoysed by Mac Milligan's daughter and put to music 
by one shoebard; all fitzpatricks in his emirate remember him, the 
boys of wetford hail him babu; indanified himself with boro tribute 
and was schenkt publicly to brigstoll; was given the light in drey 
orchafts and entumuled in threeplexes; his likeness is in Terrecuite 
and he giveth rest to the rainbowed; lebriety, frothearnity and 
quality; his reverse makes a virtue of necessity while his obverse 
mars a mother by invention; beskilk his gunwale and he's the 
second imperial, untie points, unhook tenters and he's lath and 
plaster; calls upon Allthing when he fails to appeal to Eachovos; 
basidens, ardree, kongsemma, rexregulorum; stood into Dee mouth, 

133 



then backed broadside on Baulacleeva; either eldorado or ultimate 
thole; a kraal of fou feud fires, a crawl of five pubs; laid out lash- 
ings of laveries to hunt down his family ancestors and then pled 
double trouble or quick quits to hush the buckers up; threw peb- 
blets for luck over one sodden shoulder and dragooned peoplades 
armed to their teeth; pept as Gaudio Gambrinus, grim as Potter 
the Grave; ace of arts, deuce of damimonds, trouble of clubs, fear 
of spates; cumbrum, cumbrum, twiniceynurseys fore a drum but 
tre to uno tips the scale; reeled the titleroll opposite a brace of 
girdles in Silver on the Screen but was sequenced from the set 
as Crookback by the even more titulars, Rick, Dave and Barry; 
he can get on as early as the twentysecond of Mars but occasion- 
ally he doesn't come off before Virgintiquinque Germinal; his In- 
dian name is Hapapoosiesobjibway and his number in arithmo- 
sophy is the stars of the plough; took weapon in the province of 
the pike and let fling his line on Eelwick; moves in vicous cicles 
yet remews the same; the drain rats bless his offals while the park 
birds curse his floodlights; Portobello, Equadocta, Therecocta, 
Percorello; he pours into the softclad shellborn the hard cash 
earned in Watling Street; his birth proved accidental shows his 
death its grave mistake; brought us giant ivy from the land of 
younkers and bewitthered Apostolopolos with the gale of his gall; 
while satisfied that soft youthful bright matchless girls should 
bosom into fine silkclad joyous blooming young women is not 
so pleased that heavy swearsome strongsmelling irregularshaped 
men should blottout active handsome wellformed frankeyed boys; 
herald hairyfair, alloaf the wheat; husband your aunt and endow 
your nepos; hearken but hush it, screen him and see; time is, 
an archbishopric, time was, a tradesmen's entrance; beckburn 
brooked with wath, scale scarred by scow; his rainfall is a couple 
of kneehighs while his meanst grass temperature marked three in 
the shade; is the meltingpoint of snow and the bubblingplace of 
alcohol; has a tussle with the trulls and then does himself justice; 
hinted at in the eschatological chapters of Humphrey's Justesse 
of the Jaypees and hunted for by Theban recensors who sniff 
there's something behind the Bug of the Deaf; the king was in 

134 



his cornerwall melking mark so murry, the queen was steep in 
armbour feeling fain and furry, the mayds was midst the haw- 
thorns shoeing up their hose, out pimps the back guards (pomp !) 
and pump gun they goes; to all his foretellers he reared a stone 
and for all his comethers he planted a tree; forty acres, sixty miles, 
white stripe, red stripe, washes his fleet in annacrwatter; whou 
missed a porter so whot shall he do for he wanted to sit for 
Pimploco but they've caught him to stand for Sue?; Dutchlord, 
Dutchlord, overawes us; Headmound, king and martyr, dunstung 
in the Yeast, Pitre-le-Pore-in Petrin, Barth-the-Grete-by-the- 
Exchange; he hestens towards dames troth and wedding hand 
like the prince of Orange and Nassau while he has trinity left 
behind him like Bowlbeggar Bill-the-Bustonly; brow of a hazel- 
wood, pool in the dark; changes blowicks into bullocks and a 
well of Artesia into a bird of Arabia; the handwriting on his 
facewall, the cryptoconchoidsiphonostomata in his exprussians; 
his birthspot lies beyond the herospont and his burialplot in the 
pleasant little field; is the yldist kiosk on the pleninsula and the 
unguest hostel in Saint Scholarland; walked many hundreds and 
many score miles of streets and lit thousands in one nightlights 
in hectares of windows; his great wide cloak lies on fifteen acres 
and his little white horse decks by dozens our doors; O sorrow 
the sail and woe the rudder that were set for Mairie Quail; his 
suns the huns, his dartars the tartars, are plenty here today; who 
repulsed from his burst the bombolts of Ostenton and falchioned 
each flash downsaduck in the deep; apersonal problem, a loca- 
tive enigma; upright one, vehicule of arcanisation in the field, 
lying chap, floodsupplier of celiculation through ebblanes; a part 
of the whole as a port for a whale; Dear Hewitt Castello, Equerry, 
were daylighted with our outing and are looking backwards to 
unearly summers, from Rhoda Dundrums; is above the seedfruit 
level and outside the leguminiferous zone; when older links lock 
older hearts then he'll resemble she; can be built with glue and 
clippings, scrawled or voided on a buttress; the night express 
sings his story, the song of sparrownotes on his stave of wires; 
he crawls with lice, he swarms with saggarts; is as quiet as a 

135 



mursque but can be as noisy as a sonogog; was Dilmun when his 
date was palmy and Mudlin when his nut was cracked; suck up 
the sease, lep laud at ease, one lip on his lap and one cushlin his 
crease; his porter has a mighty grasp and his baxters the boon of 
broadwhite; as far as wind dries and rain eats and sun turns 
and water bounds he is exalted and depressed, assembled and 
asundered; go away, we are deluded, come back, we are dis- 
ghosted; bored the Ostrov, leapt the Inferus, swam the Mabbul 
and flure the Moyle; like fat, like fatlike tallow, of greasefulness, 
yea of dripping greasefulness; did not say to the old, old, did not 
say to the scorbutic, scorbutic; he has founded a house, Uru, 
a house he has founded to which he has assigned its fate; bears 
a raaven geulant on a f jeld duiv; ruz the halo off his varlet when 
he appeared to his shecook as Haycock, Emmet, Boaro, Toaro, 
Osterich, Mangy and Skunk; pressed the beer of aled age out of 
the nettles of rashness; put a roof on the lodge for Hymn and a 
coq in his pot pro homo; was dapifer then pancircensor then 
hortifex magnus; the topes that tippled on him, the types that 
toppled off him; still starts our hares yet gates our goat; pocket- 
book packetboat, gapman gunrun; the light of other days, dire 
dreary darkness; our awful dad, Timour of Tortur; puzzling, 
startling, shocking, nay, perturbing; went pufiing from king's 
brugh to new customs, doffing the gibbous off him to every 
breach of all size; with Pa's new heft and Papa's new helve he's 
Papapa's old cutlass Papapapa left us; when youngheaded old- 
shouldered and middlishneck aged about; caller herring every- 
daily, turgid tarpon overnight; see Loryon the comaleon that 
changed endocrine history by loeven his loaf with forty bannucks; 
she drove him dafe till he driv her blind up; the pigeons doves be 
perchin all over him one day on Baslesbridge and the ravens duv 
be pitchin their dark nets after him the next night behind Koenig- 
stein's Arbour; tronf of the rep, comf of the priv, prosp of the 
pub; his headwood it's ideal if his feet are bally clay; he crashed 
in the hollow of the park, trees down, as he soared in the vaguum 
of the phoenix, stones up; looks like a moultain boultter and 
sounds like a rude word; the mountaen view, some lumin pale 

136 



round a lamp of succar in boinyn water; three shots a puddy at 
up blup saddle; made up to Miss MacCormack Ni Lacarthy who 
made off with Darly Dermod, swank and swarthy; once diamond 
cut garnet now dammat cuts groany; you might find him at the 
Florence but watch our for him in Wynn's Hotel; theer's his 
bow and wheer's his leaker and heer lays his bequiet hearse, 
deep; Swed Albiony, likeliest villain of the place; Hennery Can- 
terel — Cockran, eggotisters, limitated; we take our tays and 
frees our fleas round sadum*s mounted foot; built the Lund's 
kirk and destroyed the church's land; who guesse his title grabs 
his deeds; fletch and prities, fash and chaps; artful Juke of Wilysly; 
Hugglebelly's Funniral; Kukkuk Kallikak; heard in camera and 
excruciated; boon when with benches billeted, bann if buckshot- 
backshattered; heavengendered, chaosfoedted, earthborn; his 
father presumptively ploughed it deep on overtime and his 
mother as all evince must have travailled her fair share; a foot- 
prinse on the Megacene, hetman unwhorsed by Searingsand; 
honorary captain of the extemporised fire brigade, reported to 
be friendly with the police; the door is still open; the old stock 
collar is coming back; not forgetting the time you laughed at 
Elder Charterhouse's duckwhite pants and the way you said the 
whole township can see his hairy legs; by stealth of a kersse her 
aulburntress abaft his nape she hung; when his kettle became a 
hearthsculdus our thorstyites set their lymphyamphyre; his year- 
letter concocted by masterhands of assays, his hallmark imposed 
by the standard of wrought plate; a pair of pectorals and a triple- 
screen to get a wind up; lights his pipe with a rosin tree and hires 
a towhorse to haul his shoes; cures slavey's scurvy, breaks 
barons boils; called to sell polosh and was found later in a bed- 
room; has his seat of justice, his house of mercy, his corn o'copious 
and his stacks a'rye; prospector, he had a rooksacht, retrospector, 
he holds the holpenstake; won the freedom of new yoke for the 
minds of jugoslaves; acts active, peddles in passivism and is a 
gorgon of selfridgeousness; pours a laughsworth of his informa- 
tion over a larmsworth of salt; half heard the single maiden 
speech La Belle spun to her Grand Mount and wholed a lifetime 

137 



by his ain fireside, wondering was it hebrew set to himmeltones 
or the quicksilversong of qwaternions; his troubles may be over 
but his doubles have still to come; the lobster pot that crabbed 
our keel, the garden pet that spoiled our squeezed peas; he stands 
in a lovely park, sea is not far, importunate towns of X, Y and 
Z are easily over reached; is an excrescence to civilised humanity 
and but a wart on Europe; wanamade singsigns to soundsense 
an yit he wanna git all his flesch nuemaid motts truly prural and 
plusible; has excisively large rings and is uncustomarily perfumed; 
lusteth ath he listeth the cleah whithpeh of a themise; is a prince 
of the fingallian in a hiberniad of hoolies; has a hodge to wherry 
him and a frenchy to curry him and a brabanson for his beeter and 
a fritz at his switch; was waylaid of a parker and beschotten by a 
buckeley; kicks lintils when he's cuppy and casts Jacob's arroroots, 
dime after dime, to poor waifstrays on the perish; reads the charms 
of H. C. Endersen all the weaks of his evenin and the crimes of 
Ivaun the Taurrible every strongday morn; soaps you soft to your 
face and slaps himself when he's badend; owns the bulgiest bung- 
barrel that ever was tiptapped in the privace of the Mullingar 
Inn; was born with a nuasilver tongue in his mouth and went 
round the coast of Iron with his lift hand to the scene; raised but 
two fingers and yet smelt it would day; for whom it is easier to 
found a see in Ebblannah than for I or you to find a dubbeltye 
in Dampsterdamp; to live with whom is a lifemayor and to know 
whom a liberal education; was dipped in Hoily Olives and chrys- 
med in Scent Otooles; hears cricket on the earth but annoys the 
life out of predikants; still turns the durc's ear of Darius to the 
now thoroughly infurioted one of God; made Man with juts 
that jerk and minted money mong maney; likes a six acup pud- 
ding when he's come whome sweetwhome; has come through all 
the eras of livsadventure from moonshine and shampaying down 
to clouts and pottled porter; woollem the farsed, hahnreich the 
althe, charge the sackend, writchad the thord; if a mandrake 
shrieked to convultures at last surviving his birth the weibduck 
will wail bitternly over the rotter's resurrection; loses weight in 
the moon night but girds girder by the sundawn; with one touch 

138 



of nature set a veiled world agrin and went within a sheet of 
tissuepaper of the option of three gaols; who could see at one 
blick a saumon taken with a lance, hunters pursuing a doe, a 
swallowship in full sail, a whyterobe lifting a host; faced flappery 
like old King Cnut and turned his back like Cincinnatus; is a 
farfar and morefar and a hoar father Nakedbucker in villas old as 
new; squats aquart and cracks aquaint when it's flaggin in town 
and on haven; blows whiskery around his summit but stehts 
stout upon his footles; stutters fore he falls and goes mad entirely 
when he's waked; is Timb to the pearly mom and Tomb to the 
mourning night; and an he had the best bunbaked bricks in bould 
Babylon for his pitching plays he'd be lost for the want of his 
wan wubblin wall? 

Answer: Finn MacCool! 

2. Does your mutter know your mike? 

Answer: When I turn meoptics, from suchurban prospects, 
'tis my filial's bosom, doth behold with pride, that pontificator, 
and circumvallator, with his dam night garrulous, slipt by his 
side. Ann alive, the lisp of her, 'twould grig mountains whisper 
her, and the bergs of Iceland melt in waves of fire, and her spoon- 
me-spondees, and her dirckle-me-ondenees, make the Rageous 
Ossean, kneel and quaff a lyre! If Dann's dane, Ann's dirty, if 
he's plane she's purty, if he's fane, she's flirty, with her auburnt 
streams, and her coy cajoleries, and her dabblin drolleries, for to 
rouse his rudderup, or to drench his dreams. If hot Hammurabi, 
or cowld Clesiastes, could espy her pranklings, they'd burst 
bounds agin, and renounce their ruings, and denounce their do- 
ings, for river and iver, and a night. Amin ! 

3. Which title is the true-to-type motto-in-lieu for that Tick 
for Teac thatchment painted witt wheth one darkness, where 
asnake is under clover and birds aprowl are in the rookeries and 
a magda went to monkishouse and a riverpaard was spotted, 
which is not Whichcroft Whorort not Ousterholm Dreyschluss 
not Haraldsby, grocer, not Vatandcan, vintner, not Houseboat 
and Hive not Knox-atta-Belle not O'Faynix Coalprince not 
Wohn Squarr Roomyeck not Ebblawn Downes not Le Decer 

139 



Le Mieux not Benjamin's Lea not Tholomew's Whaddingtun 
gnot Antwarp gnat Musca not Corry's not Weir's not the Arch 
not The Smug not The Dotch House not The Uval nothing 
Grand nothing Splendid (Grahot or Spletel) nayther Erat Est 
Erit noor Non michi sed luciphro? 

Answer: Thine obesity, O civilian, hits the felicitude of our 
orb! 

4. What Irish capitol city (a dea o dea!) of two syllables and 
six letters, with a deltic origin and a nuinous end, (ah dust oh 
dust!) can boost of having a) the most extensive public park in 
the world, 3) the most expensive brewing industry in the world, 
c) the most expansive peopling thoroughfare in the world, ^Z) the 
most phillohippuc theobibbous paupulation in the world: and 
harmonise your abecedeed responses? 

Answer: d) Delfas. And when ye'll hear the gould hommers 
of my heart, my floxy loss, bingbanging again the ribs of yer 
resistance and the tenderbolts of my rivets working to your 
destraction ye' 11 be sheverin wi' all yer dinful sobs when well go 
riding acope-acurly, you with yer orange garland and me with 
my conny cordial, down the greaseways of rollicking into the 
waters of wetted life, h) Dorhqk. And sure where can you have 
such good old chimes anywhere, and leave you, as on the Mash 
and how'tis I would be engaging you with my plovery soft ac- 
cents and descanting upover the scene beunder me of your loose 
vines in their hairafall with them two loving loofs braceleting the 
slims of your ankles and your mouth's flower rose and sinking 
ofter the soapstone of silvry speech, c) Nublid. Isha, why 
wouldn't we be happy, avoumeen, on the mills'money he'll 
soon be leaving you as soon as I've my own owned brooklined 
Georgian mansion's lawn to recruit upon by Doctor Cheek's 
special orders and my copper's panful of soybeans and Irish in 
my east hand and a James's Gate in my west, after all the errears 
and erroriboose of combarative embottled history, and your 
goodself churning over the newleaved butter {more power to 
you), the choicest and the cheapest from Atlanta to Oconee, 
while ril be drowsing in the gaarden. d) Dalway. I hooked my 

140 



thoroughgoing trotty the first down Spanish Place, Mayo I make, 
Tuam I take, Sligo's sleek but Galway's grace. Holy eel and 
Sainted Salmon, chucking chub and ducking dace, Rodiron's not 
your aequal! says she, leppin half the lane, abed) A bell a bell on 
Shalldoll Steepbell, ond be'll go massplon pristmoss speople, 
Shand praise gon ness our fayst moan neople^ our prame Shan- 
deepen^ pay name muy feepence^ moy nay non Aequallllllll! 

5. Whad slags of a loughladd would retten smuttyflesks, empt- 
out old mans, melk vitious geit, scareoff jackinjills fra tiddle 
anding, smoothpick waste papish pastures, insides man outsiders 
angell, sprink dirted water around village, newses, tobaggon and 
sweeds, plain general kept, louden on the kirkpeal, foottreats 
given to malafides, outshriek hyelp hyelp nor his hair efter 
buggelawrs, might underhold three barnets, putzpolish crotty 
bottes, nightcoover all fireglims, serve's time till baass, grind- 
stone his kniveses, fullest boarded, lewd man of the method of 
godliness, perchance he nieows and thans sits in the spoorwaggen, 
X.W.C.A. on Z.W.C.U., Doorsteps, Limited, or Baywindaws 
Bros swobber preferred. Walther Clausetter's and Sons with the 
H. E. Chimneys' Company to not skreve, will, on advices, be 
bacon or stable hand, must begripe fullstandingly irers' langurge, 
jublander or northquain bigger prefurred, all duties, kine rights, 
family fewd, outings fived, may get earnst, no get combitsch, 
profusional drinklords to please obstain, he is fatherlow soun- 
digged inmoodmined pershoon but aleconnerman, nay, that must 
he isn't? 

Answer: Pore ole Joe! 

6. What means the saloon slogan Summon In The House- 
sweep Dinah.'^ 

Answer: Tok. Calory bit of the sales of Cloth nowand I have 
to beeswax the bringing in all the claub of the porks to us how I 
thawght I knew his stain on the flower if me ask and can could 
speak and he called by me midden name Tik. I am your honey 
honeysugger phwhtphwht tha Bay and who bruk the dandleass 
and who seen the blackcullen jam for Tomorrha's big pickneck 
I hope it'll pour prais the Climate of all Ireland I heard the 

141 



grackles and I skimming the crock on all your sangwidges fip- 
pence per leg per drake. Tuk. And who eight the last of the goose- 
bellies that was mowlding from measlest years and who lefF that 
there and who put that here and who let the kilkenny stale the 
chump. Tek. And whowasit youwasit propped the pot in the 
yard and whatinthe nameofsen lukeareyou rubbinthe sideofthe 
flureofthe lobbywith. Shite! will you have a plateful.'^ Tak. 

7. Who are those component partners of our societate, the 
doorboy, the cleaner, the sojer, the crook, the squeezer, the loun- 
ger, the cufman, the tourabout, the mussroomsnifFer, the bleaka- 
blue tramp, the funpowtherplother, the christymansboxer, from 
their pres sales and Donnybrook prater and Roebuck's campos 
and the Ager Arountown and Crumglen's grassy but Kimmage's 
champ and Ashtown fields and Cabra fields and Finglas fields 
and Santry fields and the feels of Raheny and their fails and Bal- 
doygle to them who are latecomers all the year's round by anti- 
cipation, are the porters of the passions in virtue of retroratioci- 
nation, and, contributting their conflingent controversies of 
differentiation, unify their voxes in a vote of vaticination, who 
crunch the crusts of comfort due to depredation, drain the mead 
for misery to incur intoxication, condone every evil by practical 
justification and condam any good to its own gratification, who 
are ruled, roped, duped and driven by those numen daimons, 
the feekeepers at their laws, nightly consternation, fortnightly 
fornication, monthly miserecordation and omniannual recreation, 
doyles when they deliberate but sullivans when they are 
swordsed. Matey, Teddy, Simon, Jorn, Pedher, Andy, Barty, 
Philly, Jamesy Mor and Tom, Matt and Jakes Mac Carty.'^ 

Answer: The Morphios! 

8. And how war yore maggies.^ 

Answer: They war loving, they love laughing, they laugh 
weeping, they weep smelling, they smell smiling, they smile hat- 
ing, they hate thinking, they think feeling, they feel tempting, 
they tempt daring, they dare waiting, they wait taking, they take 
thanking, they thank seeking, as born for lorn in lore of love to 
live and wive by wile and rile by rule of ruse 'reathed rose and 

142 




I 



i 



I 



hose hol'd home, yeth cometh elope year, coach and four. Sweet 
Peck-at-my-Heart picks one man more. 

9. Now, to be on anew and basking again in the panaroma of 
alLflores of speech, if a human being duly fatigued by his dayety 
in the sooty, having plenxty off time on his gouty hands and va- 
cants of space at his sleepish feet and as hapless behind the dreams 
of accuracy as any camelot prince of dinmurk, were at this auc- 
tual futule preteriting unstant, in the states of suspensive exani- 
mation, accorded, throughout the eye of a noodle, with an ear- 
sighted view of old hopeinhaven with all the ingredient and 
egregiunt whights and ways to which in the curse of his persis- 
tence the course of his tory will had been having recourses, the 
reverberration of knotcracking awes, the reconjungation of 
nodebinding ayes, the redissolusingness of mindmouldered ease 
and the thereby hang of the Hoel of it, could such a none, whiles 
even led comesilencers to comeliewithhers and till intempes- 
tuous Nox should catch the gallicry and spot lucan's dawn, by- 
hold at ones what is main and why tis twain, how one once 
meet melts in tother wants poignings, the sap rising, the foles 
falling, the nimb now nihilant round the girlyhead so becoming, 
the wrestless in the womb, all the rivals to allsea, shakeagain, O 
disaster! shakealose. Ah how starring! but Heng's got a bit 
of Horsa's nose and Jeff's got the signs of Ham round his 
mouth and the beau that spun beautiful pales as it palls, what 
roserude and oragious grows gelb and greem, blue out the ind of 
it! Violet's dyed! then what would that fargazer seem to seemself 
to seem seeming of, dimm it all? 

Answer: A coUideorscape ! 

10. What bitter's love but yurning, what' sour lovemutch but 
a bref burning till shee that drawes dothe smoake retourne? 

Answer: I know, pepette, of course, dear, but listen, precious! 
Thanks, pette, those are lovely, pitounette, delicious! But mind 
the wind, sweet! What exquisite hands you have, you angiol, if 
you didn't gnaw your nails, isn't it a wonder you're not achamed 
of me^ you pig, you perfect Httle pigaleen! I'll nudge you in a 
minute! I bet you use her best Perisian smear off her vanity table 

143 



to make them look so rosetop glowstop nostop. I know her. 
Slight me, would she? For every got I care ! Three creamings a 
day, the first during her shower and wipe off with tissue. Then 
after cleanup and of course before retiring. Berne shawl, when I 
think of that espos of a Clancarbry, the foodbrawler, of the socia- 
tionist party with hiss blackleaded chest, hello, Prendregast! 
that you, Innkipper, and all his fourteen other fullback maulers 
or hurling stars or whatever the dagos they are, baiting at my 
Lord Ornery's, just becups they won the egg and spoon there 
so ovally provencial at Balldole. My Eilish assent he seed makes 
his admiracion. He is seeking an opening and means to be first 
with me as his belle alliance. Andoo musnoo play zeloso! Soso 
do todas. Such is Spanish. Stoop alittle closer, fealse! Delight- 
some simply! Like Jolio and Romeune. I haven't fell so turkish 
for ages and ages! Mine's me of squisious, the chocolate with 
a soul. Extraordinary! Why, what are they all, the mucky lot 
of them only.^ Sht! I wouldn't pay three hairpins for them. Peppt! 
That's rights, hold it steady! Leg me pull. Pu! Come big to Iran. 
Poo! What are you nudging for.^ No, I just thought you were. 
Listen, loviest! Of course it was too kind of you, miser, to re- 
member my sighs in shockings, my often expressed wish when 
you were wandering about my trousseaurs and before I forget it 
don't forget, in your extensions to my personality, when knotting 
my remembrancetie, shoeweek will be trotting back with red 
heels at the end of the moon but look what the fool bought 
cabbage head and, as I shall answer to gracious heaven, I'll 
always in always remind of snappy new girters, me being always 
the one for charms with my very best in proud and gloving 
even if he was to be vermillion miles my youth to live on, 
the rubberend Mr Polkingtone, the quonian fleshmonger who 
Mother Browne solicited me for unlawful converse with, with 
her mug of October (a pots on it!), creaking around on his old 
shanksaxle like a crosty old cornquake. Airman, waterwag, terrier, 
blazer! I'm fine, thanks ever! Ha! O mind you poo tickly. Sail I 
puhim in momou. Mummum. Funny spot to have a fingey! I'm 
terribly sorry, I swear to you I am ! May you never see me in my 

144 



birthday pelts seenso tutu and that her blanches mainges may rot 
leprous off her whatever winking maggis Fll bet by your cut 
you go fleurting after with all the glass on her and the jumps 
in her stomewhere! Haha! I suspected she was! Sink her! May 
they fire her for a barren ewe! So she says: Tay for thee? Well, I 
saith: Angst so mush: and desired she might not take it amiss if I 
esteemed her but an odd. If I did ate toughturf Fm not a mishy- 
missy. Of course I know, pettest, you're so learningful and 
considerate in yourself, so friend of vegetables, you long cold cat 
you! Please by acquiester to meek my acquointance ! Codling, 
snakelet, iciclist! My diaper has more life to it! Who drowned 
you in drears, man, or are you pillale with ink? Did a weep get 
past the gates of your pride? My tread on the clover, sweetness? 
Yes, the buttercups told me, hug me, damn it all, and I'll kiss 
you back to life, my peachest. I mean to make you suffer, 
meddlar, and I don't care this fig for contempt of courting. 
That I chid you, sweet sir? You know I'm tender by my eye. 
Can't you read by dazzling ones through me true? Bite my 
laughters, drink my tears. Pore into me, volumes, spell me stark 
and spill me swooning. I just don't care what my thwarters 
think. Transname me loveliness, now and here me for all times ! 
I'd risk a policeman passing by, Magrath or even that beggar of 
a boots at the Post. The flame? O, pardone! That was what? 
Ah, did you speak, stuffstuff? More poestries from Chickspeer's 
with gleechoreal music or a jaculation from the garden of the 
soul. Of I be leib in the immoralities? O, you mean the strangle 
for love and the sowiveall of the prettiest? Yep, we open hap 
coseries in the home. And once upon a week I improve on myself 
I'm so keen on that New Free Woman with novel inside. I'm 
always as tickled as can be over Man in a Surplus by the Lady 
who Pays the Rates. But Fm as pie as is possible. Let's root 
out Brimstoker and give him the thrall of our lives. It's Dracula's 
nightout. For creepsake don't make a flush! Draw the shades, 
curfe you, and Fll beat any sonnamonk to love. Holy bug, how 
my highness would jump to make you flame your halve a ban- 
nan in two when I'd run my burning torchlight through (to adore 

145 



me there and then cease to be? Whatever for, blossoms?) Your 
hairmejig if you had one. If I am laughing with you? No, 
lovingest, Fm not so dying to take my rise out of you, adored. 
Not in the very least. True as God made my Mamaw hiplength 
modesty coatmawther! It's only because the rison is Fm only any 
girl, you lovely fellow of my dreams, and because old somebooby 
is not a roundabout, my trysting of the tulipies, like that puff 
pape bucking Daveran assoiling us behinds. What a nerve! 
He thinks that's what the vesprey's for. How vain's that hope in 
cleric's heart Who still pursues th'adult' rous art. Cocksure that 
rusty gown of his Will make fair Sue forget his phiz! Tame 
Schwipps. Blessed Marguerite bosses, I hope they threw away 
the mould or else we'll have Ballshossers and Sourdamapplers 
with their medical assassiations all over the place. But hold hard 
till I've got my latchkey vote and I'll teach him when to wear 
what woman callours. On account of the gloss of the gleison 
Hasaboobrawbees isabeaubel. And because, you pluckless lanka- 
loot, I hate the very thought of the thought of you and because, 
dearling, of course, adorest, I was always meant for an engin- 
dear from the French college, to be musband, nomme d'engien^ 
when we do and contract with encho tencho solver when you 
are married to reading and writing which pleasebusiness now 
won't be long for he's so loopy on me and I'm so leapy like 
since the day he carried me from the boat, my saviored of eroes, 
to the beach and I left on his shoulder one fair hair to guide hand 
and mind to its softness. Ever s6 sorry! I beg your pardon, I was 
listening to every treasuried word I said fell from my dear mot's 
tongue otherwise how could I see what you were thinking of 
our granny? Only I wondered if I threw out my shaving water. 
Anyway, here's my arm, pulletneck. Gracefully yours. Move your 
mouth towards minth, more, preciousest, more on more! To 
please me, treasure. Don't be a, I'm not going to! Sh! nothing! 
A cricri somewhere! Buybuy! Fm fly! Hear, pippy, under the 
limes. You know bigtree are all against gravstone. They hissliis- 
tenency. Garnd ond mand ! So chip chirp chirrup, cigolo, for the 
lug of Migo ! The little passdoor, I go you before, so, and you're 

146 



1 



at my apron stage. Shy is him, dovey? Musforget there's an 
audience. I have been lost, angel. Cuddle, ye divil ye! It's our 
toot-a-toot. Hearhere! Sensation! Let them, their whole four 
courtships! Let them, Bigbawl and his boosers' eleven makes 
twelve territorials. The Old Sot's Hole that wants wide streets to 
commission their noisense in, at the Mitchells r. Nicholls. Aves 
Selvae Acquae Vallesl And my waiting twenty classbirds, sitting 
on their stiles ! Let me finger their eurhythmytic. And you'll see 
if I'm selfthought. They're all of them out to please. Wait! In 
the name of. And all the holly. And some the mistle and it Saint 
Yves. Hoost! Ahem! There's Ada, Bett, Celia, Delia, Ena, 
Fretta, Gilda, Hilda, Ita, Jess, Katty, Lou, (they make me cough 
as sure as I read them) Mina, Nippa, Opsy, Poll, Queeniee, Ruth, 
Saucy, Trix, Una, Vela, Wanda, Xenia, Yva, Zulma, Phoebe, 
Thelma. And Mee! The reformatory boys is goaling in for the 
church so we've all comefeast like the groupsuppers and caught 
lipsolution from Anty Pravidance under penancies for myrtle 
sins. When their bride was married all my belles began ti ting. 
A ring a ring a rosaring! Then everyone will hear of it. Whoses 
wishes is the farther to my thoughts. But I'll plant them a poser 
for their nomanclatter. When they're out with the daynurse 
doing Chaperon Mall. Bright pigeons all over the whirrld will 
fly with my mistletoe message round their loveribboned necks 
and a crumb of my cake for each chasta dieva. We keeps all and 
sundry papers. In th' amourlight, O my darling! No, I swear to 
you by Fibsburrow churchdome and Sainte Andree's Under- 
shift, by all I hold secret from my world and in my underworld 
of nighties and naughties and all the other wonderwearlds ! 
Close your, notmust look! Now open, pet, your lips, pepette, 
like I used my sweet parted lipsabuss with Dan Holohan of 
facetious memory taught me after the flannel dance, with the 
proof of love, up Smock Alley the first night he smelled pouder 
and I coloured beneath my fan, pipetta mia^ when you learned 
me the linguo to melt. Whowham would have ears like ours, 
the blackhaired ! Do you like that, sileniiosoF Are you enjoying, 
this same little me, my life, my love.^ Why do you like my 

147 



whisping? Is it not divinely deluscious? But in't it bafforyou? 
Misty misU Tell me till my thrillme comes! I will not break the 
seal. I am enjoying it still, I swear I am! Why do you prefer its 
in these dark nets, if why may ask, my sweety kins? Sh sh! Long- 
ears is flying. No, sweetissest, why would that ennoy me.^ But 
don't! You want to be slap well slapped for that. Your delighted 
lips, love, be careful! Mind my duvetyne dress above all! It's 
golded silvy, the newest sextones with princess effect. For Rut- 
land blue's got out of passion. So, so, my precious! O, I can see 
the cost, chare! Don't tell me! Why, the boy in sheeps' lane 
knows that. If I sell whose, dears.'^ Was I sold here' tears.'^ You 
mean those conversation lozenges.'^ How awful! The bold shame 
of me! I wouldn't, chickens, not for all the juliettes in the twinkly 
way! I could snap them when I see them winking at me in bed. 
I didn't did so, my intended, or was going to or thinking of. 
Shshsh! Don't start like that, you wretch! I thought ye knew all 
and more, ye aucthor, to explique to ones the significat of their 
exsy stems with your nieu nivulon lead. It's only another queer 
fish or other in Brinbrou's damned old trouchorous river again, 
Gothewishegoths bless us and spare her! And gibos rest from the 
bosso ! Excuse me for swearing, love, I swear to the sorrasims on 
their trons of Uian I didn't mean to by this alpin armlet! Did you 
really never in all our cantalang lives speak clothse to a girl's 
before.^ No! Not even to the charmermaid.'^ How marfellows! 
Of course I believe you, my own dear doting liest, when you 
tell me. As I'd live to, O, I'd love to! Liss, liss! I muss whiss! 
Never that ever or I can remember dearstreaming faces, you may 
go through me! Never in all my whole white life of my match- 
less and pair. Or ever for bitter be the frucht of this hour! With 
my whiteness I thee woo and bind my silk breasths I thee bound ! 
Always, Amory, amor andmore! Till always, thou lovest! 
Shshshsh! So long as the lucksmith. Laughs! 

II. If you met on the binge a poor acheseyeld from Ailing, 
when the tune of his tremble shook shimmy on shin, while his 
countrary raged in the weak of his wailing, like a rugilant pugi- 
lant Lyon O'Lynn; if he maundered in misliness, plaining his 

148 




; 



5 



plight or, played fox and lice, pricking and dropping hips teeth, 
or wringing his handcuffs for peace, the blind blighter, praying 
Dieuf and Domb Nostrums foh thomethinks to eath; if he 
weapt while he leapt and gufFalled quith a quhimper, made cold 
blood a blue mundy and no bones without flech, taking kiss, 
kake or kick with a suck, sigh or simper, a diffle to larn and a 
dibble to lech; if the fain shinner pegged you to shave his im- 
martial, wee skillmustered shoul with his ooh, hoodoodoo ! brok- 
ing wind that to wiles, woemaid sin he was partial, we don't 
think, Jones, we'd care to this evening, would you? 

Answer: No, blank ye! So you think I have impulsivism? Did 
they tell you I am one of the fortysixths? And I suppose you 
heard I had a wag on my ears? And I suppose they told you too 
that my roll of life is not natural? But before proceeding to con- 
clusively confute this begging question it would be far fitter for 
you, if you dare ! to hasitate to consult with and consequentially 
attempt at my disposale of the same dime-cash problem elsewhere 
naturalistically of course, from the blinkpoint of so eminent a 
spatialist. From it you will here notice, Schott, upon my for the 
first remarking you that the sophology of Bitchson while driven 
as under by a purely dime-dime urge is not without his cashcash 
characktericksticks, borrowed for its nonce ends from the fiery 
goodmother Miss Fortune (who the lost time we had the pleasure 
we have had our little recherche brush with, what, Schott?) and 
as I furtlier could have told you as brisk as your D.B.C. beha- 
viouristically paillete with a coat of homoid icing which is in 
reality only a done by chance ridiculisation of the whoo-whoo 
and where's hairs theories of Winestain. To put it all the more 
plumbsily. The speechform is a mere sorrogate. Whilst the qua- 
lity and tality (I shall explex what you ought to mean by this with 
its proper when and where and why and how in the subsequent 
sentence) are alternativomentally harrogate and arrogate, as the 
gates may be. 

Talis is a word often abused by many passims (I am working 
out a quantum theory about it for it is really most tantumising 
state of affairs). A pessim may frequent you to say: Have you been 

149 



seeing much of Talis and Talis those times? optimately meaning: 
Will you put up at hree of irish? Or a ladyeater may perhaps have 
casualised as you temptoed her a la sourdine-. Of your plates? Is 
Talis de Talis, the swordswallower, who is on at the Craterium 
the same Talis von Talis, the penscrusher, no funk you 1 who runs 
his duly mile? Or this is a perhaps cleaner example. At a recent 
postvortex piece infustigation of a determinised case of chronic 
spinosis an extension lecturer on The Ague who out of matter of 
form was trying his seesers, Dr's Het Ubeleeft, borrowed the 
question: Why's which Suchman's talis qualis? to whom, as a 
fatter of macht, Dr Gedankje of Stoutgirth, who was wiping his 
whistle, toarsely retoarted: While thou beast' one zoom of a 
whorl! (Talis and Talis originally mean the same thing, hit it's: 
Qualis.) 

Professor Loewy-Brueller (though as I shall promptly prove 
his whole account of the Sennacherib as distinct from the Shal- 
manesir sanitational reforms and of the Mr Skekels and Dr 
Hydes problem in the same connection differs tow coelo from the 
fruit of my own investigations — though the reason I went to 
Jericho must remain for certain reasons a political secret — 
especially as I shall shortly be wanted in Cavantry, I congratulate 
myself, for the same and other reasons — as being again hope- 
lessly vitiated by what I have now resolved to call the dime and 
cash diamond fallacy) in his talked off confession which recently 
met with such a leonine uproar on its escape after its confinement 
Why am I not horn like a Gentileman and why am I now so speak- 
able about my own eatables (Feigenbaumblatt and Father, Juda- 
pest, 5688, A.M.) whole-heartedly takes off his gabbercoat and 
wig, honest draughty fellow, in his public interest, to make us 
see how though, as he says: *by Allswill' the inception and the 
descent and the endswell of Man is temporarily wrapped in ob- 
scenity, looking through at these accidents with the faroscope of 
television, (this nightlife instrument needs still some subtrac- 
tional betterment in the readjustment of the more refrangible 
angles to the squeals of his hypothesis on the outer tin sides), I 
can easily believe heartily in my own most spacious immensity 

150 



as my ownhouse and microbemost cosm when I am reassured by 
ratio that the cube of my volumes is to the surfaces of their sub- 
jects as the sphericity of these globes (I am very pressing for a 
parliamentary motion this term which, under my guidance, would 
establish the deleteriousness of decorousness in the morbidis- 
ation of the modern mandaboutwoman type) is to the fera- 
city of Fairynelly's vacuum. I need not anthrapologise for any 
obintentional (I must here correct all that school of neoitalian or 
paleoparisien schola of tinkers and spanglers who say Fm wrong 
parcequeue out of revolscian from romanitis I want to be) down- 
trodding on my foes. Professor Levi-Brullo, F.D. of Sexe- 
Weiman-Eitelnaky finds, from experiments made by hinn with 
his Nuremberg eggs in the one hands and the watches cunldron 
apan the oven, though it is astensably a case of Ket*s rebollions 
cooling the Popes back, because the number of squeer faiths 
in weekly circulation will not be appreciably augmented by the 
notherslogging of my cupolar clods. What the romantic in rags 
pines after like all tomtompions haunting crevices for a deadbeat 
escupement and what het importunes our Mitleid for in accornish 
with the Mortadarthella taradition is the poorest commonon- 
guardiant waste of time. His everpresent toes are always in 
retaliessian out throuth his overpast boots. Hear him squak! 
Teek heet to that looswallawer how he bolo the bat! Tyro a 
toray! When Mullocky won the couple of colds, when we were 
stripping in number three, I would like the neat drop that would 
malt in my mouth but I fail to see when (I am purposely refrain- 
ing from expounding the obvious fallacy as to the specific 
gravitates of the two deglutables implied nor to the lapses 
lequou asousiated with the royal gorge through students of 
mixed hydrostatics and pneumodipsics will after some difficulties 
grapple away with my meinungs). Myrrdin aloer! as old Mar- 
sellas Cambriannus puts his. But, on Professor Llewellys ap 
Bryllars, F.D., Ph. Dr's showings, the plea, if he pleads, 
is all posh and robbage on a melodeontic scale since his man's 
when is no otherman's quandour (Mine, dank you.^) while, for 
aught I care for the contrary, the all is where in love as war and 

151 



the plane where me arts soar you*d aisy rouse a thunder from and 
where I cling true'tis there I climb tree and where Innocent looks 
best (pick!) there's holly in his ives. 

As my explanations here are probably above your understand- 
ings, lattlebrattons, though as augmentatively uncomparisoned 
as Cadwan, Cadwallon and Cadwalloner, I shall revert to a more 
expletive method which I frequently use when I have to sermo 
with muddlecrass pupils. Imagine for my purpose that you are a 
squad of urchins, snifflynosed, goslingnecked, clothyheaded, 
tangled in your lacings, tingled in your pants, etsitaraw etcicero. 
And you, Bruno Nowlan, take your tongue out of your inkpot 1 
As none of you knows javanese I will give all my easyfree trans- 
lation of the old fabulist's parable. Allaboy Minor, take your 
head out of your satchel! Audi^ Joe Peters! Exaudi facts! 

The Mookse and The Gripes. 

Gentes and laitymen, fullstoppers and semicolonials, hybreds 
and lubberds! 

Eins within a space and a weary wide space it wast ere wohned 
a Mookse. The onesomeness wast alltolonely, archunsitslike, 
broady oval, and a Mookse he would a walking go (My hood! 
cries Antony Romeo), so one grandsumer evening, after a great 
morning and his good supper of gammon and spittish, having 
flabelled his eyes, pilleoled his nostrils, vacticanated his ears and 
palliumed his throats, he put on his impermeable, seized his im- 
pugnable, harped on his crown and stepped out of his immobile 
De Rure Albo (socolled becauld it was chalkfull of masterplasters 
and had borgeously letout gardens strown with cascadas, pinta- 
costecas, horthoducts and currycombs) and set off from Luds- 
town a spasso to see how badness was badness in the weirdest of 
all pensible ways. 

As he set off with his father's sword, his lancia spe^ata^ he was 
girded on, and with that between his legs and his tarkeels, our 
once in only Bragspear, he clanked, to my clinking, from veetoes 
to threetop, every inch of an immortal. 

He had not walked over a pentiadpair of parsecs from his 
azylium when at the turning of the Shinshone Lanteran near 

152 



I 



1 




Saint Bowery's-without-his- Walls he came (secunding to the one 
one oneth of the propecies, Amnis Limina Permanent) upon the 
most unconsciously boggylooking stream he ever locked his 
eyes with. Out of the colliens it took a rise by daubing itself Ni- 
non. It looked little and it smelt of brown and it thought in nar- 
rows and it talked showshallow. And as it rinn it dribbled like any 
lively purliteasy: My^ my^ my! Me and me! Little down dream 
dont I love thee! 

And, I declare, what was there on the yonder bank of the 
stream that would be a river, parched on a limb of the olum, bolt 
downright, but the Gripes? And no doubt he was fit to be dried 
for why had he not been having the juice of his times.'^ 

His pips had been neatly all drowned on him; his polps were 
charging odours every older minute; he was quickly for getting 
the dresser's desdaign on the flyleaf of his frons; and he was 
quietly for giving the bailiff's distrain on to the bulkside of his 
cul de Pompe, In all his specious heavings, as be lived by Opti- 
mus Maximus, the Mookse had never seen his Dubville brooder- 
on-low so nigh to a pickle. 

Adrian (that was the Mookse now's assumptinome) stuccstill 
phiz-a-phiz to the Gripes in an accessit of aurignacian. But All- 
mookse must to Moodend much as Allrouts, austereways or 
wastersways, in roaming run through Room. Hie sor a stone, 
singularly illud, and on hoc stone Seter satt hue sate which it 
filled quite poposterously and by acclammitation to its fullest 
justotoryum and whereopum with his unfallable encyclicling 
upom his alloilable, diupetriark of the wouest, and the athemyst- 
sprinkled pederect he always walked with, Deusdedit^ cheek by 
jowel with his frisherman's blague, Bellua Triumphanes^ his 
everyway addedto wallat's collectium, for yea longer he lieved 
yea broader he betaught of it, the fetter, the summe and the haul 
it cost, he looked the first and last micahlike laicness of Quartus 
the Fifth and Quintus the Sixth and Sixtus the Seventh giving 
allnight sitting to Lio the Faultyfindth. 

— Good appetite us, sir Mookse! How do you do it.^ cheeped 
the Gripes in a wherry whiggy maudelenian woice and the jack- 

153 



asses all within bawl laughed and brayed for his intentions for 
they knew their sly toad lowry now. I am rarumominum blessed 
to see you, my dear mouster. Will you not perhopes tell me 
everything if you are pleased, sanity? All about aulne and lithial 
and allsall allinall about awn and liseias? Ney? 

Think of it! O miserendissimest retempter! A Gripes! 

— Rats! bullowed the Mookse most telesphorously, the con- 
cionator, and the sissymusses and the zozzymusses in their ro- 
benhauses quailed to hear his tardeynois at all for you cannot 
wake a silken nouse out of a hoarse oar. Blast yourself and your 
anathomy infairioriboos ! No, hang you for an animal rurale! I 
am superbly in my supremest poncif! Abase you, baldyqueens! 
Gather behind me, satraps! Rots! 

— I am till infinity obliged with you, bowed the Gripes, his 
whine having gone to his palpruy head. I am still always having 
a wish on all my extremities. By the watch, what is the time, pace.^ 

Figure it! The pining peever! To a Mookse! 

— Ask my index, mund my achilles, swell my obolum, wosh- 
up my nase serene, answered the Mookse, rapidly by turning 
clement, urban, eugenious and celestian in the formose of good 
grogory humours. Quote awhore.'^ That is quite about what I 
came on my missions with my intentions laudibiliter to settle with 
you^ barbarousse. Let thor be orlog. Let Pauline be Irene. Let 
you be Beeton. And let me be Los Angeles. Now measure your 
length. Now estimate my capacity. Well, sour.'^ Is this space of 
our couple of hours too dimensional for you, temporiser.'^ Will 
you give you up.'^ Como? Fuert it? 

Sancta Padentiaf You should have heard the voice that an- 
swered him ! Culla vosellina, 

— I was just thinkling upon that, swees Mooksey, but, for all 
the rime on my raisins, if I connow make my submission, I can- 
nos give you up, the Gripes whimpered from nethermost of his 
wanhope. Ishallassoboundbewilsothoutoosezit. My tumble, lou- 
dy bullocker, is my own. My velicity is too fit in one stockend. 
And my spetial inexshellsis the belowing things ab ove. But I 
will never be abler to tell Your Honoriousness (here he near lost 

154 



his limb) though my corked father was bott a pseudowaiter, 
whose o'cloak you ware. 

Incredible! Well, hear the inevitable. 

— Your temple, sus in crihro! Semperexcommunicambiambi- 
sumers. Tugurios-in-Newrobe or Tukurias-in-Ashies. Novar- 
ome, my creature, blievend bleives. My building space in lyonine 
city is always to let to leonlike Men, the Mookse in a most con- 
sistorous allocution pompifically with immediate jurisdiction 
constantinently concludded (what a crammer for the shape- 
wrucked Gripes!). And I regret to proclaim that it is out of my 
temporal to help you from being killed by inchies, (what a 
thrust!), as we first met each other newwhere so airly. (Poor 
little sowsieved subsquashed Gripes! I begin to feel contemption 
for him!). My side, thank decretals, is as safe as motherour's 
houses, he continued, and I can seen from my holeydome what 
it is to be wholly sane. Unionjok and be joined to yok! Parysis, 
tu saisy crucycrooks, belongs to him who parises himself. And 
there I must leave you subject for the pressing. I can prove that 
against you, weight a momentum, mein goot enemy! or Cos- 
poFs not our star. I bet you this dozen odd. This foluminous 
dozen odd. Quas primas — but 'tis bitter to compote my know- 
ledge's fructos of. Tomes. 

Elevating, to give peint to his blick, his jewelled pederect to 
the allmysty cielung, he luckystruck blueild out of a few should- 
be santillants, a cloister of starabouts over Maples, a lucciolys in 
Teresa street and a stopsign before Sophy Barratt's, he gaddered 
togodder the odds docence of his vellumes, gresk, letton and 
russicruxian, onto the lapse of his prolegs, into umfullth one- 
scuppered, and sat about his widerproof. He proved it well who- 
onearth dry and drysick times, and vremiamenty tu cesses^ to the 
extinction of Niklaus altogether (Niklaus Alopysius having been 
the once Gripes's popwilled nimbum) by Neuclidius and In- 
exagoras and Mumfsen and Thumpsem, by Orasmus and by 
Amenius, by Anacletus the Jew and by Malachy the Augurer and 
by the Cappon's collection and after that, with Cheekee's gela- 
tine and Alldaybrandy's formolon, he reproved it ehrltogether 

155 



when not in that order sundering in some different order, aher 
three thirty and a hundred times by the binomial dioram and 
the penic walls and the ind, the Inklespill legends and the rure, 
the rule of the hoop and the blessons of expedience and the jus, 
the jugicants of Pontius Pilax and all the mummyscrips in Sick 
Bokes' Juncroom and the Chapters for the Cunning of the Chap- 
ters of the Conning Fox by Tail. 

While that Mooksius with preprocession and with propre- 
cession, duplicitly and diplussedly, was promulgating ipsofacts 
and sadcontras this raskolly Gripos he had allbust seceded in 
monophysicking his illsobordunates. But asawfulas he had 
caught his base semenoyous sarchnaktiers to combuccinate upon 
the silipses of his aspillouts and the acheporeoozers of his haggy- 
own pneumax to synerethetise with the breadchestviousness of 
his sweeatovular ducose sofarfully the loggerthuds of his sakel- 
laries were fond at variance with the synodals of his spmepooliom 
and his babskissed nepogreasymost got the hoof from his philio- 
quus. 

— Efter thousand yaws, O Gripes con my sheepskins, yow 
will be belined to the world, enscayed Mookse the pius. 

— Ofter thousand yores, amsered Gripes the gregary, be the 
goat of MacHammud's, yours may be still, O Mookse, more 
botheared. 

— Us shall be chosen as the first of the last by the electress of 
Vale Hollow, obselved the Mookse nobily, for par the unicum 
of Elelijiacks, Us am in Our stabulary and that is what Ruby and 
Roby fall for, blissim. 

The Pills, the Nasal Wash (Yardly's), the Army Man Cut, as 
british as bondstrict and as straightcut as when that broken- 
arched traveller from Nuzuland . . . 

— Wee, cumfused the Gripes limply, shall not even be the 
last of the first, wee hope, when oust are visitated by the Veiled 
Horror. And, he added: Mee are relying entirely, see the forte- 
thurd of Elissabed, on the weigh tiness of mear's breath. Puffut! 

Unsightbared embouscher, relentless foe to social and business 
succes ! (Hourihaleine) It might have been a happy evening but . . . 

156 



And they viterberated each other, cams et coluber with the 
wildest ever wielded since Tarriestinus lashed Pissasphaltium. 

— Unuchorn! 

— Ungulant! 

— Uvuloid! 

— Uskybeak! 

And bullfolly answered volleyball. 

Nuvoletta in her lightdress, spunn of sisteen shimmers, was 
looking down on them, leaning over the bannistars and listening 
all she childishly could. How she was brightened when Should- 
rups in his glaubering hochskied his welkinstuck and how she 
was overclused when Kneesknobs on his zwivvel was makeact- 
- ing such a paulse of himshelp! She was alone. All her nubied 
companions were asleeping with the squirrels. Their mivver, 
Mrs Moonan, was off in the Fuerst quarter scrubbing the back- 
steps of Number 28. Fuvver, that Skand, he was up in Norwood's 
sokaparlour, eating oceans of Voking's Blemish. Nuvoletta lis- 
tened as she reflected herself, though the heavenly one with his 
constellatria and his emanations stood between, and she tried all 
she tried to make the Mookse look up at her (but he was fore too 
adiaptotously farseeing) and to make the Gripes hear how coy 
she could be (though he was much too schystimatically auricular 
about his ens to heed her) but it was all mild's vapour moist. Not 
even her feignt reflection, Nuvoluccia, could they toke their 
gnoses off for their minds with intrepifide fate and bungless 
curiasity, were conclaved with Heliogobbleus and Commodus 
and Enobarbarus and whatever the coordinal dickens they did 
as their damprauch of papyrs and buchstubs said. As if that was 
their spiration! As if theirs could duiparate her queendim! As if 
she would be third perty to search on search proceedings! She 
tried all the winsome wonsome ways her four winds had taught 
her. She tossed her sfumastelliacinous hair like la princesse de la 
Petite Bretagne and she rounded her mignons arms like Mrs 
Cornwallis-West and she smiled over herself like the beauty of 
the image of the pose of the daughter of the queen of the Em- 
perour of Irelande and she sighed after herself as were she born 

157 



to bride with Tristis Tristior Tristissimus. But, sweet madonine, 
she might fair as well have carried her daisy's worth to Florida. 
For the Mookse, a dogmad Accanite, were not amoosed and the 
Gripes, a dubliboused Catalick, wis pinefully obliviscent. 
— I see, she sighed. There are menner. 

The siss of the whisp of the sigh of the softzing at the stir of 
the ver grose O arundo of a long one in midias reeds: and shades 
began to glidder along the banks, greepsing, greepsing, duusk 
unto duusk, and it was as glooming as gloaming could be in the 
waste of all peacable worlds. Metamnisia was allsoonome coloro- 
form brune; citherior spiane an eaulande, innemorous and un- 
numerose. The Mookse had a sound eyes right but he could not 
all hear. The Gripes had light ears left yet he could but ill see. 
He ceased. And he ceased, tung and trit, and it was neversoever 
so dusk of both of them. But still Moo thought on the deeps of 
the undths he would profoundth come the morrokse and still 
Gri feeled of the scripes he would escipe if by grice he had luck 
enoupes. 

Oh, how it was duusk! From Vallee Maraia to Grasyaplaina, 
dormimust echo! Ah dew! Ah dew! It was so duusk that the 
tears of night began to fall, first by ones and twos, then by threes 
and fours, at last by fives and sixes of sevens, for the tired ones 
were wecking, as we weep now with them. 0/ 0/ 0! Par la 
pluie! 

Then there came down to the thither bank a woman of no 
appearance (I believe she was a Black with chills at her feet) and 
she gathered up his hoariness the Mookse motamourfully where 
he was spread and carried him away to her invisible dwelling, 
thats hights, Aquila Rapax^ for he was the holy sacred solem and 
poshup spit of her boshop's apron. So you see the Mookse he 
had reason as I knew and you knew and he knew all along. And 
there came down to the hither bank a woman to all important 
(though they say that she was comely, spite the cold in her heed) 
and, for he was as like it as blow it to a hawker's hank, she 
plucked down the Gripes, torn panicky autotone, in angeu from 
his limb and cariad away its beotitubes with her to her unseen 

IS8 



i 




shieling, it is, De Rore Coeli. And so the poor Gripes got wrong; 
for that is always how a Gripes is, always was and always will ie. 
And it was never so thoughtful of either of them. And there were 
left now an only elmtree and but a stone. Polled with pietrous, 
Sierre but saule. O ! Yes ! And Nuvoletta, a lass. 

Then Nuvoletta reflected for the last time in her little long life 
and she made up all her myriads of drifting minds in one. She 
cancelled all her engauzements. She climbed over the bannistars; 
she gave a childy cloudy cry: Nueel Nuee\ A lightdress fluttered. 
She was gone. And into the river that had been a stream (for a 
thousand of tears had gone eon her and come on her and she was 
stout and struck on dancing and her muddied name was Missis- 
liffi) there fell a tear, a singult tear, the loveliest of all tears (I 
mean for those crylove fables fans who are 'keen' on the pretty- 
pretty commonface sort of thing you meet by hopeharrods) for it 
was a leaptear. But the river tripped on her by and by, lapping 
as though her heart was brook: JVhy^ why^ why! Weh^ 0 wehl 
Vse so silly to he flowing hut I no canna stay! 

No applause, please! Bast! The romescot nattleshaker will go 
round your circulation in diu dursus, 

Allaboy, Major, I'll take your reactions in another place after 
themes. Nolan Browne, you may now leave the classroom. Joe 
Peters, Fox. 

As I have now successfully explained to you my own natural- 
bom rations which are even in excise of my vaultybrain insure 
me that I am a mouth's more deserving case by genius. I feel in 
symbathos for my ever devoted friend and halfaloafonwashed, 
Gnaccus Gnoccovitch. Darling gem! Darling smallfox! Horose- 
shoew! I could love that man like my own ambo for being so 
baileycliaver though he's a nawful curillass and I must slav to 
methodiousness. I want him to go and live like a theabild in 
charge of the night brigade on Tristan da Cunha, isle of man- 
overboard, where he'll make Number io6 and be near Inacces- 
sible. (The meeting of mahoganies, be the waves, rementious 
me that this exposed sight though it pines for an umbrella of its 
own and needs a shelter belt of the true service sort to keep its 

159 



boles clean, — the weeping beeches, Picea and Tillia, are in a 
wild state about it — ought to be classified, as Cricketbutt Will- 
owm and his two nurserymen advisers suggested, under genus 
Inexhaustible when we refloat upon all the butternat, sweet gum 
and manna ash redcedera which is so purvulent there as if there 
was howthorns in Curraghchasa which ought to look as plane 
as a lodgepole to anybody until we are introduced to that pine- 
tacotta of Verney Rubeus where the deodarty is pinctured for us 
in a pure stand, which we do not doubt ha has a habitat of doing, 
but without those selfsownseedlings which are a species of proof 
that the largest individual can occur at or in an olivetion such as 
East Conna Hillock where it mixes with foolth accacians and 
common sallies and is tender) Vux Populus^ as we say in hickory- 
hockery and I wish we had some more glasses of arhor vitae. 
Why roat by the roadside or awn over alum pot? Alderman 
Whitebeaver is dakyo. He ought to go away for a change of 
ideas and he'd have a world of things to look back on. Do, sweet 
Daniel! If I weren't a jones in myself I'd elect myself to be his 
dolphin in the wildsbillow because he is such a barefooted rubber 
with my supersocks pulled over his face which I publicked in 
my bestback garden for the laetification of siderodromites and 
to the irony of the stars. You will say it is most unenglish and 
I shall hope to hear that you will not be wrong about it. But I 
further, feeling a bit husky in my truths. 

Will you please come over and let us mooremoore murgessly 
to each's other down below our vices. I am underheerd by old 
billfaust. Wilsh is full of curks. The coolskittle is philip debli- 
nite. Mr Wist is thereover beyeind the wantnot. Wilsh and wist 
are as thick of thins udder as faust on the deblinite. Sgunoshooto 
estas preter la tapizo malgranda. Lilegas al si en sia chambro. 
Kelkefoje funcktas, kelkefoje srumpas Shultroj. Houdian Kiel vi 
fartas, mia nigra sinjoro.'* And from the poignt of fun where I 
am crying to arrive you at they are on allfore as foibleminded as 
you can feel they are fablebodied. 

My heeders will recoil with a great leisure how at the out- 
break before trespassing on the space question where even 

1 60 



michelangelines have fooled to dread I proved to mindself as to 
your sotisfiction how his abject all through (the quickquid of Pro- 
fessor Ciondolone's too frequently hypothecated Bettlermensch) 
is nothing so much more than a mere cashdime however genteel 
he may want ours, if we please (I am speaking to us in the second 
person), for to this graded intellecktuals dime is cash and the 
cash system (you must not be allowed to forget that this is all 
contained, I mean the system, in the dogmarks of origen on 
spurios) means that I cannot now have or nothave a piece of 
cheeps in your pocket at the same time and with the same man- 
ners as you can now nothalf or half the cheek apiece I've in mind 
unless Burrus and Caseous have not or not have seemaultaneous- 
ly sysentangled themselves, selldear to soldthere, once in the 
dairy days of buy and buy. 

Burrus, let us like to imagine, is a genuine prime, the real 
choice, full of natural greace, the mildest of milkstoffs yet un- 
beaten as a risicide and, of course, obsoletely unadulterous 
whereat Caseous is obversely the revise of him and in fact not an 
ideal choose by any meals, though the betterman of the two is 
meltingly addicted to the more casual side of the arrivaliste case 
and, let me say it at once, as zealous over him as is passably he. 
The seemsame home and histry seeks and hidepence which we 
used to be reading for our prepurgatory, hot, Schott.'^ till Duddy 
shut the shopper op and Mutti, poor Mutti! brought us our poor 
suppy, (ah who! eh how!) in Acetius and Oleosus and Sellius 
Volatilis and Petrus Papricus ! Our Old Party quite united round 
the Slatbowel at Commons: Pfarrer Salamoss himself and that 
sprog of a Pedersill and his Sprig of Thyme and a dozen of the 
Murphybuds and a score and more of the hot young Capels and 
Lettucia in her greensleeves and you too and me three, twinsome 
bibs but hansome ates, like shakespill and eggs! But there's many 
a split pretext bowl and jowl; and (snob screwing that cork, 
Schott!) to understand this as well as you can, feeling how back- 
ward you are in your down-to-the-ground benches, I have com- 
pleted the following arrangement for the coarse use of stools and 
if I don't make away with you I'm beyond Caesar outnullused. 

i6i 



The older sisars (Tyrants, regicide is too good for you!) be- 
come unbeurrable from age, (the compositor of the farce of 
dustiny however makes a thunpledrum mistake by letting off this 
pienofarte effect as his furst act as that is where the juke comes 
in) having been sort-of-nineknived and chewly removed (this 
soldier - author - batman for all his commontoryism is just 
another of those souftsiezed bubbles who never quite got the 
Sandhurst out of his eyes so that the champaign he draws for us 
is as flop as a plankrieg) the twinfreer types are billed to make 
their reupprearance as the knew kneck and knife knickknots on 
the deserted champ de bouteilles, (A most cursery reading into the 
Persic-Uraliens hostery shows us how Fonnumagula picked up 
that propper numen out of a coUuction of prifixes though to 
the permienting cannasure the Coucousien oafsprung of this 
sun of a kuk is as sattin as there's a tub in Tobolosk) Osdak 
della Vogul Manna! But that I dannoy the fact of wanton to 
weste point I could paint you to that butter (cheese it!) if you 
had some wash. Mordvealive! Oh me none onsens! Why the 
case is as inessive and impossive as kezom hands! Their inter- 
locative is conprovocative just as every hazzy hates to having a 
hazbane in her noze. Caseous may bethink limself a thought of 
a caviller but Burrus has the reachly roundered head that goes 
best with thofthinking defensive fideism. He has the lac of wis- 
dom under every dent in his lofter while the other follow's 
onni vesy milky indeedmymy. Laughing over the linnuts and 
weeping off the uniun. He hisn't the hey og he lisn't the lug, 
poohoo. And each night sim misses mand he winks he had the 
semagen. It was aptly and corrigidly stated (and, it is royally 
needless for one ex imgue Leonem to say by whom) that his 
seeingscraft was that clarety as were the wholeborough of Poutres- 
bourg to be averlaunched over him pitchbatch he could still make 
out with his augstritch the green moat in Ireland's Eye. Let me 
sell you the fulltroth of Burrus when he wore a younker. Here 
it is, and chorming too, in six by sevens! A cleanly line, by the 
gods! A king off duty and a jaw for ever! And what a cheery 
ripe outlook, good help me Deus v Deus! If I were to speak 

162 



my ohole mouthful to arinam about it you should call me the 
ormuzd aliment in your midst of faime. Eat ye up, heat ye up! 
sings the somun in the salm. Butyrum et mel comedet ut sciat 
reprobare malum et eligere honum. This, of course, also explains 
why we were taught to play in the childhood: Der Haensli ist 
ein Butterhrot^ mein Butterhrot! Und Koebi iss dein Schtinkenkotl 
JaJjaIJa! 

This in fact, just to show you, is Caseous, the brutherscutch 
or puir tyron: a hole or two, the highstinks aforefelt and anygo 
prigging wurms. Cheesugh! you complain. And Hi Hi High 
must say you are not Hoa Hoa Hoally in the wrong! 

Thus we cannot escape our likes and mislikes, exiles or am- 
busheers, beggar and neighbour and — this is where the dime- 
show advertisers advance the temporal relief plea — let us be 
tolerant of antipathies. Nex quovis burro num jit mercaseusF I am 
not hereby giving my final endorsement to the learned ignorants 
of the Cusanus philosophism in which old Nicholas pegs it 
down that the smarter the spin of the top the sounder the span 
of the buttom (what the worthy old auberginiste ought to have 
meant was: the more stolidly immobile in space appears to me 
the bottom which is presented to use in time by the top primo- 
mobilisk &c.). And I shall be misunderstord if understood to 
give an unconditional sinequam to the heroicised furibouts of 
the Nolanus theory, or, at any rate, of that substrate of apart 
from hissheory where the Theophil swoors that on principial he 
was the pointing start of his odiose by comparison and that whiles 
eggs will fall cheapened all over the walled the Bure will be dear 
on the Brie. 

Now, while I am not out now to be taken up as unintention- 
ally recommending the Silkebjorg tyrondynamon machine for 
the more economical helixtrolysis of these amboadipates until 
I can find space to look into it myself a little more closely first 
I shall go on with my decisions after having shown to you in 
good time how both products of our social stomach (the excellent 
Dr Burroman, I noticed by the way from his emended food 
theory, has been carefully digesting the very wholesome criticism 

163 



I helped him to in my princeps edition which is all so munch 
to the cud) are mutuearly polarised the incompatabilily of any 
delusional acting as ambivalent to the fixation of his pivotism. 
Positing, as above, too males pooles, the one the pictor of the 
other and the omber the Skoda of the one, and looking want- 
ingly around our undistributed middle between males we feel 
we must waistfully woent a female to focus and on this stage 
there pleasantly appears the cowrymaid M. whom we shall 
often meet below who introduces herself upon us at some precise 
hour which we shall again agree to call absolute zero or the 
babbling pumpt of platinism. And so like that former son 
of a kish who went up and out to found his farmer's ashes we 
come down home gently on our own turnedabout asses to meet 
Margareen. 

We now romp through a period of pure lyricism of shame- 
bred music (technologically, let me say, the appetising entry of 
this subject on a fool chest of vialds is plumply pudding the carp 
before doevre hors) evidenced by such words in distress as / 
cream for thee^ Sweet Margareen^ and the more hopeful 0 Mar- 
gareena! 0 Margareena/ Still in the bowl is left a lump of gold! 
(Correspondents, by the way, will keep on asking me what is the 
correct garnish to serve drisheens with. Tansy Sauce. Enough). 
The pawnbreaking pathos of the first of these shoddy pieces 
reveals it as a Caseous effort. Burrus's bit is often used for a toast. 
Criniculture can tell us very precisely indeed how and why this 
particular streak of yellow silver first appeared on (not in) the 
bowel, that is to see, the human head, bald, black, bronze, brown, 
brindled, betteraved or blanchemanged where it might be use- 
fully compared with an earwig on a fullbottom. I am offering 
this to Signorina Cuticura and I intend to take it up and bring it 
under the nosetice of Herr Harlene by way of diverting his 
attentions. Of course the unskilled singer continues to pervert 
our wiser ears by subordinating the space-element, that is to 
sing, the ar/a, to the time-factor, which ought to be killed, ill 
tempor, I should advise any unborn singer who may still be 
among my heeders to forget her temporal diaphragm at home 

164 



(the best thing that could happen to it!) and attack the roulade 
with a swift colpo di glotdde to the lug (though Maace I will 
insist was reclined from overdoing this, his recovery often being 
slow) and then, O ! on the third dead beat, O ! to cluse her eyes 
and aiopen her oath and see what spice I may send her. How? 
Cease thee, cantatrickee! I fain would be solo. Arouse thee, my 
valour! And save for e'er my true Bdur! 

I shall have a word to say in a few yards about the acoustic 
and orchidectural management of the tonehall but, as ours is a 
vivarious where one plant's breaf is a lunger planner's byscent 
and you may not care for argon, it will be very convenient for 
me for the emolument to pursue Burrus and Caseous for a rung 
or two up their isocelating biangle. Every admirer has seen my 
goulache of Marge (she is so like the sister, you don't know, and 
they both dress ALIKE !) which I titled The Very Picture of 
a Needlesswoman which in the presence ornates our national 
cruetstand. This genre of portraiture of changes of mind in order 
to be truly torse should evoke the bush soul of females so I am 
leaving it to the experienced victim to complete the general 
suggestion by the mental addition of a wallopy bound or, should 
the zulugical zealot prefer it, a congorool teal. The hatboxes 
which composed Rhomba, lady Trabezond (Marge in her ex- 
celsis)y also comprised the climactogram up which B and C may 
fondly be imagined ascending and are suggestive of gentlemen's 
spring modes, these modes carrying us back to the superimposed 
claylayers of eocene and pleastoseen formation and the gradual 
morphological changes in our body politic which Professor 
Ebahi-Ahuri of Philadespoinis (111) — whose bluebutterbust I 
have just given his coupe de grass to — neatly names a hoite d 
surprises. The boxes, if I may break the subject gently, are worth 
about fourpence pourbox but I am inventing a more patent pro- 
cess, foolproof and pryperfect (I should like to ask that Shedlock 
Homes person who is out for removing the roofs of our criminal 
classics by what deductio ad domunum he hopes de tacto to detect 
anything unless he happens of himself, movihile tectu^ to have a 
slade off) after which they can be reduced to a fragment of their 

165 



true crust by even the youngest of Margees if she will take plase 
to be seated and smile if I please. 

Now there can be no question about it either that I having 
done as much, have quite got the size of that demilitery young 
female (we will continue to call her Marge) whose types may be 
met with in any public garden, wearing a very "dressy" affair, 
known as an "ethel" of instep length and' with a real fur, reduced 
to 3/9, and muffin cap to tone (they are "angelskin" this fall), 
ostentatiously hemming apologetically over the shirtness of 
some "sweet" garment, when she is not sitting on all the free 
benches avidously reading about "it" but ovidently on the look 
out for "him" or so "thrilled" about the best dressed dolly pram 
and beautiful elbow competition or at the movies swallowing 
sobs and blowing bixed mixcuits over "childe" chaplain's "latest" 
or on the verge of the gutter with some bobbedhair brieffrocked 
babyma's toddler (the Smythe-Smythes now keep TWO domes- 
tics and aspire to THREE male ones, a shover, a butlegger and 
a sectary) held hostage at armslength, teaching His Infant 
Majesty how to make waters worse. 

(I am closely watching Master Pules, as I have regions to sus- 
pect from my post that her "little man" is a secondary school- 
teacher under the boards of education, a voted disciple of Infan- 
tulus who is being utilised thus publicly by the seducente infanta 
to conceal her own more mascular personality by flaunting 
frivolish finery over men's inside clothes, for the femininny of 
that totamulier will always lack the musculink of a verumvirum. 
My solotions for the proper parturience of matres and the edu- 
cation of micturious mites must stand over from the moment till 
I tackle this tickler hussy for occupying my uttentions.) 

Margareena she's very fond of Burrus but, alick and alack! 
she velly fond of chee. (The important influence exercised on 
everything by this eastasian import has not been till now fully 
flavoured though we can comfortably taste it in this case. I shall 
come back for a little more say farther on.) A cleopatrician in 
her own right she at once complicates the position while Burrus 
and Caseous are contending for her misstery by implicating her- 

166 



self with an elusive Antonius, a wop who would appear to hug 
a personal interest in refined chees of all chades at the same time 
as he wags an antomine art of being rude like the boor. This 
Antonius-Burrus-Caseous grouptriad may be said to equate 
the qua/is equivalent with the older socalled talis on talis one 
just as quantly as in the hyperchemical economantarchy the tan- 
tum ergons irruminate the quantum urge so that eggs is to whey 
as whay is to zeed like your golfchild's abe boob caddy. And this 
is why any simple philadolphus of a fool you like to dress, an 
athemisthued lowtownian, exlegged phatrisight, may be awfully 
green to one side of him and fruitfully blue on the other which 
will not screen him however from appealing to my gropesarch- 
ing eyes, through the strongholes of my acropoll, as a boosted 
blasted bleating blatant bloaten blasphorus blesphorous idiot 
who kennot tail a bomb from a painapple when he steals one 
and wannot psing his psalmen with the cong in our gregational 
pompoms with the canting crew. 

No! Topsman to your Tarpeia! This thing, Mister Abby, is 
nefand. (And, taking off soutstufFs and alkalike matters, I hope 
we can kill time to reach the salt because there's some forceglass 
neutric assets bittering in the soldpewter for you to plump your 
pottage in). The thundering legion has stormed Olymp that 
it end. Twelve tabular times till now have I edicted it. Merus 
Genius to Careous Caseous! Moriture, te salutat! My phemous 
themis race is run, so let Demoncracy take the highmost! (Abra- 
ham Tripier. Those old diligences are quite out of date. Read 
next answer). I'll beat you so Ion. (Bigtempered. Why not take 
direct action. See previous reply). My unchanging Word is sacred. 
The word is my Wife, to exponse and expound, to vend and to 
velnerate, and may the curlews crown our nuptias! Till Breath 
us depart! Wamen. Beware would you change with my years. Be 
as young as your grandmother! The ring man in the rong shop 
but the rite words by the rote order! Uhi lingua nuncupassit^ ibi 
fas! Adversus hostem semper sac! She that will not feel my ful- 
moon let her peel to thee as the hoyden and the impudent! That 
mon that both no moses in his sole nor is not awed by conquists 

167 



of word's law, who never with humself was fed and leaves 
his soil to lave his head, when his hope's in his highlows from 
whisking his woe, if he came to my preach, a proud pursebroken 
ranger, when the heavens were welling the spite of their spout, 
to beg for a bite i-n our bark Noisdanger^ would meself and Mac 
Jeffet, four-in-hand, foot him out? — ay! — were he my own 
breastbrother, my doubled withd love and my singlebiassed hate, 
were we bread by the same fire and signed with the same salt, 
had we tapped from the same master and robbed the same till, 
were we tucked in the one bed and bit by the one flea, homo- 
gallant and hemycapnoise, bum and dingo, jack by churl, though 
it broke my heart to pray it, still I'd fear I'd hate to say! 

12. Sacer esto^ 

Answer: Semus sumus! 



i68 



Shem is as short for Shemus as Jem is joky for Jacob. A few 
toughnecks are still getatable who pretend that aboriginally he 
was of respectable stemming (he was an outlex between the lines 
of Ragonar Blaubarb and Horrild Hairwire and an inlaw to Capt. 
the Hon. and Rev. Mr Bbyrdwood de Trop Blogg was among 
his most distant connections) but every honest to goodness man 
in the land of the space of today knows that his back Hfe will 
not stand being written about in black and white. Putting truth 
and untruth together a shot may be made at what this hybrid 
actually was like to look at. 

Shem's bodily getup, it seems, included an adze of a skull, an 
eight of a larkseye, the whoel of a nose, one numb arm up a 
sleeve, fortytwo hairs off his uncrown, eighteen to his mock lip, 
a trio of barbels from his megageg chin (sowman's son), the 
wrong shoulder higher than the right, all ears, an artificial 
tongue with a natural curl, not a foot to stand on, a handful of 
thumbs, a blind stomach, a deaf heart, a loose liver, two fifths of 
two buttocks, one gleetsteen avoirdupoider for him, a manroot 
of all evil, a salmonkelt's thinskin, eelsblood in his cold toes, a 
bladder tristended, so much so that young Master Shemmy on 
his very first debouch at the very dawn of protohistory seeing 
himself such and such, when playing with thistlewords in their 
garden nursery, Griefotrofio, at Phig Streat iii, Shuvlin, Old 
Hoeland, (would we go back there now for sounds, pillings and 

169 



sense? would we now for annas and annas? would we for full- 
score eight and a liretta? for twelve blocks one bob? for four tes- 
ters one groat? not for a dinar! not for jo!) dictited to of all his 
little brothron and sweestureens the first riddle of the universe: 
asking, when is a man not a man?: telling them take their time, 
yungfries, and wait till the tide stops (for from the first his day- 
was a fortnight) and offering the prize of a bittersweet crab, a 
little present from the past, for their copper age was yet un- 
minted, to the winner. One said when the heavens are quakers, 
a second said when Bohemeand lips, a third said when he, no, 
when hold hard a jiffy, when he is a gnawstick and detarmined 
to, the next one said when the angel of death kicks the bucket 
of life, still another said when the wine's at witsends, and still 
another when lovely wooman stoops to conk him, one of the 
littliest said me, me, Sem, when pappa papared the harbour, one 
of the wittiest said, when he yeat ye abblokooken and he zmear 
hezelf zo zhooken, still one said when you are old Fm grey fall 
full wi sleep, and still another when wee deader walkner, and 
another when he is just only after having being semisized, an- 
other when yea, he hath no mananas, and one when dose pigs 
they begin now that they will flies up intil the looft. All were 
wrong, so Shem himself, the doctator, took the cake, the correct 
solution being — all give it up? — ; when he is a — yours till 
the rending of the rocks, — Sham. 

Shem was a sham and a low sham and his lowness creeped out 
first via foodstuffs. So low was he that he preferred Gibsen's tea- 
time salmon tinned, as inexpensive as pleasing, to the plumpest 
roeheavy lax or the friskiest parr or smolt troutlet that ever was 
gaffed between Leixlip and Island Bridge and many was the time 
he repeated in his botulism that no junglegrown pineapple ever 
smacked like the whoppers you shook out of Ananias' cans, 
Findlater and Gladstone's, Corner House, Englend. None of 
your inchthick blueblooded Balaclava fried-at-belief-stakes or 
juicejelly legs of the Grex's molten mutton or greasilygristly 
grunters' goupons or slice upon slab of luscious goosebosom 
with lump after load of plumpudding stufling all aswim in a 

170 



I 



I 




swamp of bogoakgravy for that greekenhearted yude! Rosbif of 
Old Zealand! he could not attouch it. See what happens when 
your somatophage merman takes his fancy to our virgitarian 
swan? He even ran away with hunself and became a farsoonerite, 
saying he would far sooner muddle through the hash of lentils 
in Europe than meddle with Irrland*s split little pea. Once when 
among those rebels in a state of hopelessly helpless intoxication 
the piscivore strove to lift a czitround peel to either nostril, hic- 
cupping, apparently impromptued by the hibat he had with his 
glottal stop, that he kukkakould flowrish for ever by the smell, 
as the czitr, as the kcedron, like a scedar, of the founts, on moun- 
tains, with limon on, of Lebanon. O ! the lowness of him was 
. beneath all up to that sunk to! No likedbylike firewater or first- 
served firstshot or gulletburn gin or honest brewbarrett beer either. 
O dear no ! Instead the tragic jester sobbed himself wheywhing- 
ingly sick of life on some sort of a rhubarbarous maundarin yella- 
green funkleblue windigut diodying applejack squeezed from 
sour grapefruice and, to hear him twixt his sedimental cupslips 
when he had gulfed down mmmmuch too mmmmany gourds of 
it retching off to almost as low withswillers, who always knew 
notwithstanding when they had had enough and were rightly 
indignant at the wretch's hospitality when they found to their 
horror they could not carry another drop, it came straight from 
the noble white fat, jo, open wide sat, jo, jo, her why hide that, 
jo jo jo, the winevat, of the most serene magyansty az archdio- 
chesse, if she is a duck, she's a douches, and when she has a 
feherbour snot her fault, now is it? artstouchups, funny you're 
grinning at, fancy you're in her yet, Fanny Urinia. 

Aint that swell, hey? Peamengro! Talk about lowness! Any 
dog's quantity of it visibly oozed out thickly from this dirty 
little blacking beetle for the very fourth snap the Tulloch-Turn- 
bull girl with her coldblood kodak shotted the as yet unre- 
muneranded national apostate, who was cowardly gun and camera 
shy, taking what he fondly thought was a short cut to Caer Fere, 
Soak Amerigas, vias the shipsteam Pridewiriy after having buried 
a hatchet not so long before, by the wrong goods exeunt, num- 

171 



mer desh to tren, into Patatapapaveri's, fruiterers and musical 
florists, with his Ciaho, chavif Sar shin^ shillipen? she knew the 
vice out of bridewell was a bad fast man by his walk on the 
spot. 

[Johns is a different butcher's. Next place you are up town pay 
him a visit. Or better still, come tobuy. You will enjoy cattlemen's 
spring meat. Johns is now quite divorced from baking. Fattens, 
kills, flays, hangs, draws, quarters and pieces. Feel his lambs! Ex! 
Feel how sheap! Exex! His liver too is great value, a spatiality! 
Exexex! COMMUNICATED.] 

Around that time, moravar, one generally, for luvvomony 
hoped or at any rate suspected among morticians that he would 
early turn out badly, develop hereditary pulmonary T.B., and 
do for himself one dandy time, nay, of a pelting night blanketed 
creditors, hearing a coarse song and splash off Eden Quay sighed 
and rolled over, sure all was up, but, though he fell heavily and 
locally into debit, not even then could such an antinomian be 
true to type. He would not put fire to his cerebrum; he would 
not throw himself in Liffey; he would not explaud himself with 
pneumantics; he refused to saffrocake himself with a sod. With 
the foreign devil's leave the fraid born fraud diddled even death. 
An:(i^ cabled (but shaking the worth out of his maulth: Guarda- 
costa leporello.^ Szasas Kraicz!) from his Nearapoblican asylum 
to his jonathan for a brother: Here tokay, gone tomory, we're 
spluched, do something, Fireless. And had answer: Inconvenient, 
David. 

You see, chaps, it will trickle out, freaksily of course, but the 
tom and the shorty of it is: he was in his bardic memory low. 
All the time he kept on treasuring with condign satisfaction each 
and every crumb of trektalk, covetous of his neighbour's word, 
and if ever, during a Munda conversazione commoted in the 
nation's interest, delicate tippits were thrown out to him touch- 
ing his evil courses by some wellwishers, vainly pleading by 
scriptural arguments with the opprobrious papist about trying 
to brace up for the kidos of the thing, Scally wag, and be a men 
instead of a dem scrounger, dish it all, such as: Pray, what is 

172 



Il 



the meaning, sousy, of that continental expression, if you ever 
came acrux it, we think it is a word transpiciously like canaille}: 
or: Did you anywhere, kennel, on your gullible's travels or 
during your rural troubadouring, happen to stumble upon a 
certain gay young nobleman whimpering to the name of Low 
Swine who always addresses women out of the one corner of 
his mouth, lives on loans and is furtivefree yours of age? with- 
out one sigh of haste like the supreme prig he was, and not a bit 
sorry, he would pull a vacant landlubber's face, root with ear- 
waker's pensile in the outer of his lauscher and then, lisping, 
the prattlepate parnella, to kill time, and swatting his deadbest 
to think what under the canopies of Jansens Chrest would any 
decent son of an Albiogenselman who had bin to an university 
think, let a lent hit a hint and begin to tell all the intelligentsia 
admitted to that tamileasy samtalaisy conclamazzione (since, still 
and before physicians, lawyers merchant, belfry pollititians, agri- 
colous manufraudurers, sacrestanes of the Pure River Society, 
philanthropicks lodging on as many boards round the panesthetic 
at the same time as possible) the whole Hfelong swrine story of 
his entire low cornaille existence, abusing his deceased ancestors 
wherever the sods were and one moment tarabooming great 
blunderguns (poh!) about his farfamed fine Poppamore, Mr 
Humhum, whom history, climate and entertainment made the 
first of his sept and always up to debt, though Eavens ears ow 
many fines he faces, and another moment visanvrerssas, cruach- 
ing three jeers (pah!) for his rotten little ghost of a Peppybeg, 
Mr Himmyshimmy, a blighty, a reeky, a Hghty, a scrapy, a bab- 
bly, a ninny, dirty seventh among thieves and always bottom 
sawyer, till nowan knowed how howmely howme could be, giv- 
ing unsolicited testimony on behalf of the absent, as glib as eaves- 
water to those present (who meanwhile, with increasing lack of 
interest in his semantics, allowed various subconscious smickers 
to drivel slowly across their fichers), unconsciously explaining, 
for inkstands, with a meticulosity bordering on the insane, the 
various meanings of all the different foreign parts of speech he 
misused and cuttlefishing every lie unshrinkable about all the 

173 



other people in the story, leaving out, of course, foreconsciously, 
the simple worf and plague and poison they had cornered him 
about until there was not a snoozer among them but was utterly 
undeceived in the heel of the reel by the recital of the rigmarole. 

He went without saying that the cull disliked anything anyway 
approaching a plain straightforward standup or knockdown row 
and, as often as he was called in to umpire any octagonal argu- 
ment among slangwhangers, the accomplished washout always 
used to rub shoulders with the last speaker and clasp shakers (the 
handtouch which is speech without words) and agree to every 
word as soon as half uttered, command me!, your servant, good, 
I revere you, how, my seer? be drinking that! quite truth, grati- 
as, Fm yoush, see wha'm hearing?, also goods, please it, me 
sure?, be filling this!, quiso, you said it, apasafello, muchas 
grassyass, is tliere firing-on-me?, is their girlic-on-you?, to your 
good self, your sulphur, and then at once focuss his whole 
unbalanced attention upon the next octagonist who managed to 
catch a listener's eye, asking and imploring him out of his 
piteous onewinker, (Jiemoptysia diadumenos) whether there was 
anything in the world he could do to please him and to overflow 
his tumbletantaliser for him yet once more. 

One hailcannon night (for his departure was attended by a 
heavy downpour) as very recently as some thousand rains ago he 
was therefore treated with what closely resembled parsonal viol- 
ence, being soggert all unsuspectingly through the deserted village 
of Tumblin-on-the-Leafy from Mr Vanhomrigh's house at 8i bis 
Mabbot's Mall as far as Green Patch beyond the brickfields of 
Salmon Pool by rival teams of slowspiers counter quicklimers 
who finally, as rahilly they had been deteened out rawther lae- 
tich, thought, busnis hits busnis, they had better be streaking for 
home after their Auborne-to-Auborne, with thanks for the pleasant 
evening, one and all disgustedly, instead of ruggering him back, 
and awake, reconciled (though they were as jealous as could be 
cullions about all the truffles they had brought on him) to a 
friendship, fast and furious, which merely arose out of die noxious 
pervert's perfect lowness. Again there was a hope that people, 

174 



\ 



looking on him with the contemp of the contempibles, after 
first gaving him a roll in the dirt, might pity and forgive him, if 
properly deloused, but the pleb was born a Quicklow and sank 
alowing till he stank out of sight. 

All Saints beat Belial! Mickil Goals to Nichil! Notpossible! 
Already? 

In Nowhere has yet the Whole World taken part of himself for his 
Wife; 

By Nowhere have Poorparents been sentenced to Worms ^ Blood and 

Thunder for Life 
Not yet has the Empfrom Cor psica forced the Arth out of Engleterre; 
Not yet have the Sachsen and Judder on the Mound of a Word made 

Warre; 

Not yet Witchywithcy of Wench struck Fire of his Heath from on 
Hoath; 

Not yet his Arcohaleine forespoken Peacepeace upon Oath; 
Cleftfoot from Hempal must tumpel, Blamefool Gardener s bound to 

Broken Eggs will poursuive bitten Apples for where theirs is Will 
there s his Wall; 

But the Mountstill frowns on the Millstream while their Madsons 
leap his Bier 

And her Rillstrill liffs to His Murkesty all her daft Daughters laff 
in her Ear, 

Till the four Shores of deff Tory Island let the dou^e dumm Eire- 
whiggs raille! 

HirpI Hirp! for their Missed Understandings! chirps the Ballat of 
Perce-Oreille, 

O fortunous casualitas! Lefty takes the cherubcake while 
Rights cloves his hoof. Darkies never done tug that coon out to 
play non-excretory, anti-sexuous, misoxenetic, gaasy pure, flesh 
and blood games, written and composed and sung and danced 
by Niscemus Nemon, same as piccaninnies play all day, those 
old (none of your honeys and rubbers !) games for fun and ele- 
ment we used to play with Dina and old Joe kicking her behind 
and before and the yellow girl kicking him behind old Joe, 

175 



games like Thorn Thorn the Thonderman, Put the Wind up the 
Peeler^ Hat in the Ring, Prissonyour P rite hards and Play Withers 
Team, Mikel on the Lucky pig. Nickel in the Slot, Sheila Harnett and 
her Cow, Adam and Ell, Humble Bumble, Moggie s on the Wall, 
Twos and Threes, American Jump, Fox Come out of your Den, 
Broken Bottles, W riting a Letter to Punch, Tiptop is a Sweetstore, 
Henressy Crump Expolled, Postmarks Knock, Are We F airly s Rep- 
resented?, Solomon Silent reading, Appletree Bearstone, I know a 
Washerwoman, Hospitals, As I was Walking, There is Oney one's 
House in Dreamcolohour, Battle of Waterloo, Colours, Eggs in the 
Bush, Habberdasherisher, Telling your Dreams, Whats the Time, 
Nap, Ducking Mammy, Last Man Standing, Heali Baboon and the 
Forky Theagues, Fickleyes and Futilears, Handmarried but once in 
my Life and Vll never commit such a Sin agin^ Zip Cooney Candy, 
Turkey in the Straw, This is the W iy we sow the Seed of a long and 
lusty Morning, Hops of Fun at Milikens Make, I seen the Tooth- 
brush with Pat Farrel, Here's the Fat to graie the Priest s Boots, 
When his Steam was like a Raimbrandt round Mac Garvey, 

No w it is notoriously known how on that surprisingly bludgeony 
Unity Sunday when the grand germogall allstar bout was harrily 
the rage between our weltingtoms extraordinary and our petty- 
thicks the marshalaisy and Irish eyes of welcome were smiling 
daggers down their backs, when the roth, vice and blause met the 
noyr blank and rogues and the grim white and cold bet the black 
fighting tans, categorically unimperatived by the maxims, a rank 
funk getting the better of him, the scut in a bad fit of pyjamas 
fied like a leveret for his bare lives, to Talviland, ahone ahaza, pur- 
sued by the scented curses of all the village belles and, without 
having struck one blow, (pig stole on him was lust he lagging it 
was becaused dust he shook) kuskykorked himself up tight in 
his inkbattle house, badly the worse for boosegas, there to stay 
in afar for the life, where, as there was not a moment to be lost, 
after he had boxed around with his fortepiano till he was whole 
bach bamp him and bump him blues, he collapsed carefully under 
a bedtick from Schwitzer's, his face enveloped into a dead war- 
rior's telemac, with a lullobaw's somnbomnet and a whotwater- 

176 



wottle at his feet to stoke his energy of waiting, moaning feebly, 
in monkmarian monotheme, but tarned long and then a nation 
louder, while engaged in swallowing from a large ampullar, that 
his pawdry's purgatory was more than a nigger bloke could bear, 
hemiparalysed by the tong warfare and all the shemozzle, {Daily 
Maily^fullup Lace! Holy Maly, Mothelup Joss!) his cheeks and 
trousers changing colour every time a gat croaked. 

How is that for low, laities and gentlenuns? Why, dog of the 
Crostiguns, whole continents rang with this Kairokorran low- 
ness! Sheols of houris in chems upon divans, (revolted Stellas 
vespertine vesamong them) at a bare (O !) mention of the scaly 
rybald exclaimed: Poisse! 

But would anyone, short of a madhouse, believe it? Neither of 
those clean little cherubum, Nero or Nobookisonester himself, 
ever nursed such a spoiled opinion of his monstrous marvellosity 
as did this mental and moral defective (here perhaps at the 
vanessance of his lownest) who was known to grognt rather than 
gunnard upon one occasion, while drinking heavily of spirits to 
that interlocutor a latere and private privysuckatary he used to 
pal around with, in the kavehazs, one Davy Browne-Nowlan, his 
heavenlaid twin, (this hambone dogpoet pseudoed himself under 
the hangname he gave himself of Bethgelert) in the porchway of 
a gipsy's bar (Shem always blaspheming, so holy writ, Billy, he 
would try, old Belly, and pay this one manjack congregant of 
his four soups every lass of nexmouth, Bolly, so sure as thair's a 
tail on a commet, as a taste for storik's fortytooth, that is to 
stay, to listen out, ony twenny minnies moe, Bully, his Ballade 
Imaginaire which was to be dubbed JVinCy Woman and JVater- 
. clocks^ or How a Guy Finks and Fawkes When He Is Going Batty ^ 
by Maistre Sheames de la Plume, some most dreadful stuff in a 
murderous mirrorhand) that he was avoopf (parn me!) aware 
of no other shaggspick, other Shakhisbeard, either prexactly 
unlike his polar andthisishis or procisely the seem as woops 
(parn!) as what he fancied or guessed the sames as he was him- 
self and that, greet scoot, duckings and thuggery, though he was 
foxed fux to fux like a bunnyboy rodger with all the teashop 

177 



lionses of Lumdrum hivanhoesed up gagainst him, being a lapsis 
linquo with a ruvidubb shortartempa, bad cad dad fad sad mad 
nad vanhaty bear, die consciquenchers of casuality prepestered 
crusswords in postposition, scruff, scruffer, scrufferumurraimost 
andallthatsortofthing, if reams stood to reason and his lanka- 
livline lasted he would wipe alley english spooker, multapho- 
niaksically spuking, off the face of the erse. 

After the thorough fright he got that bloody, Swithun's day, 
though every doorpost in muchtried Lucalizod was smeared with 
generous erstborn gore and every free for all cobbleway slippery 
with the bloods of heroes, crying to Welkins for others, and 
noahs and cul verts agush with tears of joy, our low waster never 
had the common baalamb's pluck to stir out and about the com- 
pound while everyone else of the torchlit throng, slashers and 
sliced alike, mobbu on massa, waaded and baaded around, yamp- 
yam pampyam, chanting the Gillooly chorus, from the Monster 
Book of Paltryattic Puetrie, 0 pura e pia bella! in junk et sampam 
or in secular sinkalarum, heads up, on his bonafide avocation (the 
little folk creeping on all fours to their natural school treat but 
childishly gleeful when a stray whizzer sang out intermediately) 
and happy belongers to the fairer sex on their usual quest for 
higher things, but vying with Lady Smythe to avenge Mac- 
Jobber, went stonestepping with their bickerrstaffs on educated 
feet, plinkity plonk, across the sevenspan ponte id colori set up 
over the slop after the war-to-end war by Messrs a charitable 
government for the only once (dia dose Finnados !) he did take 
a tompip peepestrella throug a threedraw eighteen hawkspower 
durdicky telescope, luminous to larbourd only like the lamps in 
Nassaustrass, out of his westernmost keyhole, spitting at the 
impenetrablum wetter, (and it was porcoghastly that outumn) with 
an eachway hope in his shivering soul, as he prayed to the cloud 
Incertitude, of finding out for himself, on akkount of all the 
kules in Kroukaparka or oving to all the kodseoggs in Kalatavala, 
whether true conciliation was forging ahead or falling back after 
the celestious intemperance and, for Duvvelsache, why, with his 
see me see and his my see a corves and liis frokerfoskerfuskar 

178 



layen loves in meeingseeing, he got the charm of his optical 
life when he found himself {hie sunt lennonesf) at pointblank 
range blinking down the barrel of an irregular revolver of 
the bulldog with a purpose pattern, handled by an unknown 
quarreler who, supposedly, had been told off to shade and 
shoot shy Shem should the shit show his shiny shnout out 
awhile to look facts in their face before being hosed and creased 
(uprip and jack him!) by six or a dozen of the gayboys. 

What, para Saom Plaom, in the names of Deucalion and 
Pyrrha, and the incensed privy and the licensed pantry gods 
and Stator and Victor and Kutt and Runn and the whole mesa 
redonda of Lorencao Otulass in convocacaon, was this dis- 
interestingly low human type, this Calumnious Column of 
Cloaxity, this Bengalese Beacon of Biloxity, this Annamite Aper 
of Atroxity, really at, it will be precise to quarify, for he seems 
in a badbad case? 

The answer, to do all the diddies in one dedal, would sound: 
from pulling himself on his most flavoured canal the huge chest- 
house of his elders (the Popapreta^ and some navico, navvies!) 
he had flickered up and flinnered down into a drug and drunkery 
addict, growing megalomane of a loose past. This explains the 
litany of septuncial lettertrumpets honorific, highpitched, erudite, 
neoclassical, which he so loved as patricianly to manuscribe after 
his name. It would have diverted, if ever seen, the shuddersome 
spectacle of this semidemented zany amid the inspissated grime 
of his glaucous den making believe to read his usylessly unread- 
able Blue Book of Eccles, edition de tenhhres^ (even yet sighs the 
Most Different, Dr. Poindejenk, authorised bowdler and censor, 
it can't be repeated!) turning over three sheets at a wind, telling 
himself delightedly, no espellor mor so, that every splurge on the 
vellum he blundered over was an aisling vision more gorgeous 
than the one before t.i.t.s., a roseschelle cottage by the sea for 
nothing for ever, a ladies tryon hosiery raffle at liberty, a sewer- 
ful of guineagold wine with brancomongepadenopie and sick- 
cylinder oysters worth a billion a bite, an entire operahouse 
(there was to be stamping room only in the prompter's box and 

179 



everthemore his queque kept swelling) of enthusiastic noble- 
women flinging every coronetcrimsoned stitch they had ofF at 
his probscenium, one after the others, inamagoaded into ajustil- 
loosing themselves, in their gaiety pantheomime, when, egad, sir, 
acordant to all acountstrick, he squealed the topsquall im Deal 
Lil Shemlockup Yellin (geewhiz, jew ear that far! soap ewer! 
loutgout of sabaous! juice like a boyd!) for fully five minutes, in- 
finitely better than Baraton Mc Gluckin with a scrumptious cocked 
hat and three green, cheese and tangerine trinity plumes on the 
right handle side of his amarellous head, a coat macfarlane (the 
kerssest cut, you understand?) a sponiard's digger at his ribs, 
{Alfaiate punxii) an azulblu blowsheet for his blousebosom 
blossom and a dean's crozier that he won from Cardinal Lin- 
dundarri and Cardinal Carchingarri and Cardinal Loriotuli and 
Cardinal Occidentaccia (ah ho!) in the dearby darby doubled for 
falling first over the hurdles, madam, in the odder hand, a.a.t.s.o.t., 
but what with the murky light, the botchj_£rint, the tattered 
coyer, the jigjagged page, the fumbling fingers, the foxtrotting 
fleas, the lieabed lice, the scum on his tongue, the drop in his 
eye, the lump in his throat, the drink in his pottle, the itch in his 
palm, the wail of his wind, the grief from his breath, the fog of 
his mindfag, the buzz in his braintree, the tic of his conscience, 
the height up his rage, the gush down his fundament, the fire 
in his gorge, the tickle of his tail, the bane in his bullugs, the 
squince in his suil, the rot in his eater, the ycho in his earer, 
the totters of his toes, the tetters on his tumtytum, the rats in his 
garret, the bats in his belfry, the budgerigars and bumbosolom 
beaubirds, the hullabaloo and the dust in his ears since it took him 
a month to steal a march he was hardset to mumorise more than 
a word a week. Hake's haulin! Hook's fisk! Can you beat it? 
Whawe! I say, can you bait it? Was there ever heard of such 
lowdown blackguardism? Positively it woolies one to think 
over it. 

Yet the bumpersprinkler used to boast aloud alone to himself 
with a haccent on it when Mynfadher was a boer constructor and 
Hoy was a lexical student, parole, and corrected with the black- 

i8o 



oia\ 



r 



board (trying to copy the stage Englesemen he broughts their 
house down on, shouting: Bravure, surr Chorles! Letter purfect! 
Culossal, Loose Wallor! Spache!) how he had been toed out of 
all the schicker families of the klondykers from Pioupioureich, 
Swabspays, the land of Nod, Shruggers* Country, Pension 
Danubierhome and Barbaropolis, who had settled and stratified 
in the capital city after its hebdomodary metropoliarchialisation 
as sunblistered, moonplastered, gory, wheedling, joviale, litche- 
rous and full, ordered off the gorgeous premises in most cases on 
account of his smell which all cookmaids eminently objected to 
as ressembling the bombinubble puzzo that welled out of the 
pozzo. Instead of chuthoring those model households plain 
wholesome pothooks (a thing he never possessed of his Nigerian 
own) what do you think Vulgariano did but study with stolen ( 
fruit how cutely to copy all their various styles of signature so aS|' 
one day to utter an epical forged cheque on the public for his own' 
private profit until, as just related, the Dustbin's United Scullery- 
maid's and Househelp's Sorority, better known as Sluttery's 
Mowlted Futt, turned him down and assisted nature by unitedly 
shoeing the source of annoyance out of the place altogether and 
taytotally on the heat of the moment, holding one another's 
gonk (for no-one, hound or scrublady, not even the Turk, un- 
greekable in purscent of the armenable, dared whiff the polecat 
at close range) and making some pointopointing remarks as they 
done so at the perfects of the Sniffey, your honour, aboon the 
lyow why a stunk, mister. 

[Jymes wishes to hear from wearers of abandoned female cos- 
tumes, gratefully received, wadmel jumper, rather full pair of 
culottes and onthergarmenteries, to start city life together. His 
jymes is out of job, would sit and write. He has lately commited 
one of the then commandments but she will now assist. Superior 
built, domestic, regular layer. Also got the boot. He appreciates 
it. Copies. ABORTISEMENT.] 

One cannot even begin to post figure out a statuesquo ante 
as to how slow in reality the excommunicated Drumcondriac, 
nate Hamis, really was. Who can say how many pseudostylic 

rSi 



shamiana, how few or how many of the most venerated public 
impostures, how very many piously forged palimpsests slipped 
in the first place by this morbid process from his pelagiarist pen? 

Be that as it may, but for that light phantastic of his gnose's 
glow as it slid lucifericiously within an inch of its page (he would 
touch at its from time to other, the red eye of his fear in 
saddishness, to ensign the colours by the beerlitz in his mathness 
and his educandees to outhue to themselves in the cries of girl- 
glee: gember! inkware! chonchambre! cinsero! zinnzabar! tinc- 
ture and gin!) Nibs never would have quilled a seriph to 
sheepskin. By that rosy lampoon's effluvious burning and with 
help of the simulchronic flush in his pann (a ghinee a ghirk he 
ghets there!) he scrabbled and scratched and scriobbled and 
skrevened nameless shamelessness about everybody ever he met, 
even sharing a precipitation under the idlish tarriers' umbrella 
of a showerproof wall, while all over up and down the four 
margins of this rancid Shem stuff the evilsmeller (who was 
devoted to Uldfadar Sardanapalus) used to stipple endlessly 
inartistic portraits of himself in the act of reciting old 
Nichiabelli's monolook interyerear Harmo^ o Nonanno^ accel 
brubblemmdiS^ ser Autore, q.e.d., a heartbreakingly handsome 
young paolo with love lyrics for the goyls in his eyols, a plain- 
tiff's tanner vuice, a jucal inkome of one hundred and thirtytwo 
dranchmas per yard from Broken Hill stranded estate, Came- 
breech mannings, cutting a great dash in a brandnew two guinea 
dress suit and a burled hogsford hired for a Fursday evenin 
merry pawty, anna loavely long pair of inky Italian moostarshes 
glistering with boric vaseline and frangipani. Puh! How un- 
whisperably so! 

The house O'Shea or O'Shame, Quivapieno^ known as the 
Haunted Inkbottle, no number Brimstone Walk, Asia in Ireland, 
as it was infested with the raps, with his penname SHUT sepia- 
scraped on the doorplate and a blind of black sailcloth over its 
wan phwinshogue, in which the soulcontracted son of the secret 
cell groped through life at the expense of the taxpayers, dejected 
into day and night with Jesuit bark and bitter bite, calico- 

182 



J 



hydrants of zolfor and scoppialamina by full and forty Queasi- 
sanos, every day in everyone's way more exceeding in violent 
abuse of self and others, was the worst, it is hoped, even in our 
western playboyish world for pure mousefarm filth. You brag 
of your brass castle or your tyled house in ballyfermont? Niggs, 
niggs and niggs again. For this was a stinksome inkenstink, quite 
puzzonal to the wrottel. Smatterafact, Angles aftanon browsing 
there thought not Edam reeked more rare. My wud ! The warped 
flooring of the lair and soundconducting walls thereof, to say 
nothing of the uprights and imposts, were persianly literatured 
with burst loveletters, telltale stories, stickyback snaps, doubtful 
eggshells, bouchers, flints, borers, puffers, amygdaloid almonds, 
rindless raisins, alphybettyformed verbage, vivlical viasses, om- 
piter dictas, visus umbique, ahems and ahahs, imeffible tries at 
speech unasyllabled, you owe mes, eyoldhyms, fluefoul smut, 
fallen lucifers, vestas which had served, showered ornaments, 
borrowed brogues, reversibles jackets, blackeye lenses, family 
jars, falsehair shirts. Godforsaken scapulars, neverworn breeches, 
cutthroat ties, counterfeit franks, best intentions, curried notes, 
upset latten tintacks, unused mill and stumpling stones, twisted 
quills, painful digests, magnifying wineglasses, solid objects cast 
at goblins, once current puns, quashed quotatoes, messes of mot- 
tage, unquestionable issue papers, seedy ejaculations, limerick 
damns, crocodile tears, spilt ink, blasphematory spits, stale shest- 
nuts, schoolgirls', young ladies', milkmaids', washerwomen's, 
shopkeepers' wives, merry widows', ex nuns', vice abbess's, pro 
virgins', super whores', silent sisters', Charleys' aunts', grand- 
mothers', mothers'-in-laws', fostermothers', godmothers' garters, 
tress clippings from right, lift and cintrum, worms of snot, 
toothsome pickings, cans of Swiss condensed bilk, highbrow 
lotions, kisses from the antipodes, presents from pickpockets, 
borrowed plumes, relaxable handgrips, princess promises, lees of 
whine, deoxodised carbons, convertible collars, diviliouker 
doffers, broken wafers, unloosed shoe latchets, crooked strait 
waistcoats, fresh horrors from Hades, globules of mercury, 
undeleted glete, glass eyes for an eye, gloss teeth for a tooth, 

183 



war moans, special sighs, longsufFerings of longstanding, ahs ohs 
Guis sis jas jos gias neys thaws sos, yeses and yeses and yeses, to 
which, if one has the stomach to add the breakages, upheavals 
distortions, inversions of all this chambermade music one stands, 
given a grain of goodwill, a fair chance of actually seeing the 
whirling dervish. Tumult, son of Thunder, self exiled in upon 
his ego, a nightlong a shaking betwixtween white or reddr haw- 
rors, noondayterrorised to skin and bone by an ineluctable phan- 
tom (may the Shaper have mercery on him!) writing the mystery 
of himsel in furniture. 

Of course our low hero was a self valeter by choice of need so 
up he got up whatever is meant by a Stourbridge clay kitchen- 
ette and lithargogalenu fowlhouse for the sake of akes (the 
umpple does not fall very far from the dumpertree) which the 
moromelodious jigsmith, in defiance of the Uncontrollable Birth 
Preservativation (Game and Poultry) Act, playing lallaryrook 
cookerynook, by the dodginess of his lentern, brooled and cocked 
and potched in an athanor, whites and yolks and yilks and whotes 
to the frulling fredonnance of Mas blanca que la hlanca hermana 
and Amarilla^ muy bien^ with cinnamon and locusts and wild bees- 
wax and liquorice and Carrageen moss and blaster of Barry's and 
Asther's mess and Huster's micture and Yellownan's embrocation 
and Pinkingtone's patty and Stardust and sinner's tears, acuredent 
to Sharadan's Art of Panning^ chanting, for all regale to the like 
of the legs he left behind with Litty fun Letty fan Leven, his 
cantraps of fermented words, abracadabra calubra culorum, (his 
oewfs a la Madame Gabrielle de I'Eglise, his avgs a la Mistress 
B. de B. Meinfelde, his eiers Usquadmala a la pomme de ciel, 
his uoves, oves and uves a la Sulphate de Soude, his ochiuri 
sowtay sowmmonay a la Monseigneur, his soufflosion of oogs 
with somekat on toyast a la Mere Puard, his Poggadovies alia 
Fenella, his Frideggs a la Tricareme) in what was meant for a 
closet (Ah ho! If only he had listened better to the four masters 
that infanted him Father Mathew and Le Pere Noble and Pastor 
Lucas and Padre Aguilar — not forgetting Lay teacher Baudwin! 
Ah ho!) His costive Satan's antimonian manganese limolitmious 

184 



nature never needed sucli an alcove so, when Robber and Mum- 
sell, the pulpic dictators, on the nudgment of their legal advisers, 
Messrs Codex and Podex, and under his own benefiction of their 
pastor Father Flammeus Falconer, boycotted him of all mutton- 
suet candles and romeruled stationery for any purpose, he winged 
away on a wildgoup's chase across the kathartic ocean and made 
synthetic ink and sensitive paper for his own end out of his wit's 
waste. You ask, in Sam Hill, how? Let manner and matter of this 
for these our sporting times be cloaked up in the language of 
blushfed porporates that an Anglican ordinal, not reading his 
own rude dunsky tunga, may ever behold the brand of scarlet 
on the brow of her of Babylon and feel not the pink one in his 
own damned cheek. 

Primum opifexy alius prosator, ad terram viviparam et cuncti- 
potentem sine ullo pudore nec venia, suscepto pluviali atque discinctis 
periiomatisy natibus nudis uti nati fuissenty sese adpropinquans , 
flens et gemens^ in manum suam evacuavit (highly prosy, crap in his 
hand, sorry ]) ^ postea^ animale nigro exoneratus^ classicum pulsans^ 
stercus proprium, quod appellavit deiectiones suas, in vas olim 
honorabile tristitiae posuit, eodem sub invocatione fratrorum gemino- 
Tum Medardi et Godardi laete ac melliflue minxit^ psalmum qui 
incipit: Lingua mea calamus scribae velociter scribentis: magna voce 
cantitans (did a piss, says he was dejected, asks to be exonerated), 
demum ex stercore turpi cum divi Ononis iucunditate mixto, cocto, 
frigorique exposito, encaustum sibi fecit indelibile (faked O' Ryan's, 
the indelible ink). 

Then, pious Eneas, conformant to the fulminant firman which 
enjoins on the tremylose terrian that, when the call comes, he 
shall produce nichthemerically from his unheavenly body a no 
uncertain quantity of obscene matter not protected by copriright 
in the United Stars of Ourania or bedeed and bedood and bedang 
and bedung to him, with this double dye, brought to blood heat, 
gallic acid on iron ore, through the bowels of his misery, flashly, 
faithly, nastily, appropriately, this Esuan Menschavik and the first 
till last alshemist wrote over every square inch of the only fools- 
cap available, his own body, till by its corrosive sublimation one 

185 



continuous present tense integument slowly unfolded all marry- 
voising moodmoulded cyclewheeling history (thereby, he said, 
reflecting from his own individual person life unlivable, trans- 
accidentated through the slow fires of consciousness into a divi- 
dual chaos, perilous, potent, common to allflesh, human only, 
mortal) but with each word that would not pass away the squid- 
self which he had squirtscreened from the crystalline world 
waned chagreenold and doriangrayer in its dudhud. This exists 
that isits after having been said we know. And dabal take dab- 
nal! And the dal dabal dab aldanabal! So perhaps, agglaggagglo- 
meratively asaspenking, after all and arklast fore arklyst on his 
last public misappearance, circling the square, for the deathfete 
of Saint Ignaceous Poisonivy, of the Fickle Crowd (hopon the 
sexth day of Hogsober, killim our king, layum low!) and brandish- 
ing his bellbearing stylo, the shining keyman of the wilds of 
change, if what is sauce for the zassy is souse for the zazimas, the 
blond cop who thought it was ink was out of his depth but 
bright in the mairu 

Petty constable Sistersen of the Kruis-Kroon-Kraal it was, the 
parochial watch, big the dog the dig the bog the bagger the 
dugger the begadag degabug, who had been detailed from pollute 
stoties to save him, this the quemquem, that the quum, from the 
ligatureliablous effects of foul clay in little clots and mobmauling 
on looks, that wrongcountered the tenderfoot an eveling near 
the livingsmeansuniumgetherum, Knockmaree, Comty Mea, reel- 
ing more to the right than he lurched to the left, on his way from 
a protoprostitute (he would always have a (stp !) little pigeoness 
somewhure with his arch girl, Arcoiris, smockname of Mergyt) 
just as he was butting in rand the coyner of bad times under a 
hideful between the rival doors of warm bethels of worship 
through his boardelhouse fongster, greeting for grazious oras 
as usual: Where ladies have they that a dog meansort herring? 
Sergo, search me, the incapable reparteed with a selfevitant 
subtlety so obviously spurious and, raising his hair, after the 
grace, with the christmas under his clutcharm, for Portsymasser 
and Purtsymessus and Pertsymiss and Partsymasters, like a prance 

i86 



J 



of findingos, with a shillto shallto slipny stripny, in he skittled. 
Swikey! The allwhite poors guardiant, pulpably of balltossic 
stummung, was literally astundished over the painful sake, how 
he burstteself, which he was gone to, where he intent to did he, 
whether you think will, wherend the whole current of the after- 
noon whats the souch of a surch hads of hits of hims, urged and 
staggered thereto in his countryports at the caledosian capacity 
for Lieutuvisky of the caftan's wineskin and even more so, 
during, looking his bigmost astonishments, it was said him, 
aschu, fun the concerned outgift of the dead med dirt, how that, 
arrahbejibbers, conspuent to the dominical order and exking 
noblish permish, he" was namely coon at bringer at home two 
gallonts, as per royal, full poultry till his murder. Nip up and 
nab it! 

Polthergeistkotzdondherhoploits! Kick.'^ What mother.^ Whose 
porter.'^ Which pair.^ Why namely coon.^ But our undilligence has 
been plutherotested so enough of such porterblack lowneess, too 
base for printink ! Perpending that Putterick O'Purcell pulls the 
coald stoane out of Winterwater's and Silder Seas sing for Harreng 
our Keng, sept okt nov dez John Phibbs march! We cannot, in 
mercy or justice nor on the lovom for labaryntos, stay here for 
the residence of our existings, discussing Tamstar Ham of Ten- 
man's thirst. 

JUSTIUS (to himother): Brawn is my name and broad is my 
nature and I've breit on my brow and all's right with every fea- 
ture and I'll brune this bird or Brown Bess's bung's gone bandy. 
I'm the boy to bruise and braise. Baus ! 

Stand forth, Nayman of Noland (for no longer will I follow 
you obliquelike through the inspired form of the third person 
singular and the moods and hesitensies of the deponent but ad- 
dress myself to you, with the empirative of my vendettative, pro- 
vocative and out direct), stand forth, come boldly, jolly me, 
move me, zwilling though I am, to laughter in your true colours 
ere you be back for ever till I give you your talkingto! Shem 
Macadamsoh, you know me and I know you and all your she- 
meries. Where have you been in the uterim, enjoying yourself 

187 



all the morning since your last wetbed confession? I advise you 
to conceal yourself, my little friend, as I have said a moment 
ago and put your hands in my hands and have a nightslong 
homely little confiteor about things. Let me see. It is looking 
pretty black against you, we suggest, Sheem avick. You will 
need all the elements in the river to clean you over it all and a 
fortifine popespriestpower bull of attender to booth. 

Let us pry. We thought, would and did. Cuty quicquid, ubiy 
quando, quomodo, quotiesy quibus auxiliis? You were bred, fed, 
fostered and fattened from holy childhood up in this two easter 
island on the piejaw of hilarious heaven and roaring the other 
place (plunders to night of you, blunders what's left of you, flash 
as flash can!) and now, forsooth, a nogger among the blankards 
of this dastard century, you have become of twosome twiminds 
forenenst gods, hidden and discovered, nay, condemned fool, 
anarch, egoarch, hiresiarch, you have reared your disunited king- 
dom on the vacuum of your own most intensely doubtful soul. 
Do you hold yourself then for some god in the manger, Sheho- 
hem, that you will neither serve not let serve, pray nor let pray? 
And here, pay the piety, must I too nerve myself to pray for the 
loss of selfrespect to equip me for the horrible necessity of scan- 
dalisang (my dear sisters, are you ready?) by sloughing off my 
hope and tremors while we all swin togedier in the pool of So- 
dom? I shall shiver for my purity while they will weepbig for 
your sins. Away with covered words, new Solemonities for old 
Badsheetbaths ! That inharmonious detail, did you name it? Cold 
caldor! Gee! Victory! Now, opprobro of underslung pipes, 
johnjacobs, while yet an adolescent (what do I say?), while 
still puerile in your tubsuit with buttonlegs, you got a hand- 
some present of a selfraising syringe and twin feeders (you know. 
Monsieur Abgott, in your art of arts, to your cost as well as I do 
(and don't try to hide it) the penals lots I am now poking at) and 
the wheeze sort of was you should (if you were as bould a stroke 
now as the curate that christened you, sonny douth-the-candle!) 
repopulate the land of your birth and count up your progeny by 
the hungered head and the angered thousand but you thwarted 

i88 



the wious pish of your cogodparents, soph, among countless 
occasions of failing (for, said you, I will elenchate), adding to the 
malice of your transgression, yes, and changing its nature, (you 
see I have read your theology for you) alternating the morosity 
of my delectations — a philtred love, trysting by tantrums, 
small peace in ppenmark — with sensibility, sponsibility, passi- 
bility and prostability, your lubbock's other fear pleasures of a 
butler's life, even extruding your strabismal apologia, when 
legibly depressed, upon defenceless paper and thereby adding to 
the already unhappiness of this our popeyed world, scribblative ! 
— all that too with cantreds of countless catchaleens, the man- 
nish as many as the minneful, congested around and about you 
for acres and roods and poles or perches, thick as the fluctuant 
sands of Chalwador, accomplished women, indeed fully edu- 
canded, far from being old and rich behind their dream of arri- 
visme, if they have only their honour left, and not deterred by bad 
weather when consumed by amorous passion, struggling to pos- 
sess themselves of your boosh, one son of Sorge for all daughters 
of Anguish, solus cum sola sive cuncdes cum omnihohs (I'd have 
been the best man for you, myself), mutely aying for that natural 
knot, debituary vases or vessels preposterous, for what would 
not have cost you ten bolivars of collarwork or the price of one 
ping pang, just a lilt, let us trillt, of the oldest song in the wooed 
woodworld, (two-we! to-one!), accompanied by a plain gold 
band! Hail! Hail! Highbosomheaving Missmisstress Morna of 
the allsweetheartening bridemuredemeanour! Her eye's so glad- 
some we'll all take shares in the groom! 

Sniffer of carrion, premature gravedigger, seeker of the nest 
of evil in the bosom of a good word, you, who sleep at our vigil 
and fast for our feast, you with your dislocated reason, have 
cutely foretold, a jophet in your own absence, by blind poring 
upon your many scalds and burns and blisters, impetiginous sore 
and pustules, by the auspices of that raven cloud, your shade, and 
by the auguries of rooks in parlament, death with every disaster, 
the dynamitisation of colleagues, the reducing of records to 
ashes, the levelling of all customs by blazes, the return of a lot 

189 



of sweetempered gunpowdered didst unto dudst but it never 
stphruck your mudhead's obtundity (O hell, here comes our 
funeral! O pest, Fll miss the post!) that the more carrots you 
chop, the more turnips you slit, the more murphies you peel, the 
more onions you cry over, the more bullbeef you butch, the 
more mutton you crackerhack, the more potherbs you pound, 
the fiercer the fire and the longer your spoon and the harder you 
gruel with more grease to your elbow the merrier fumes your 
new Irish stew. 

O, by the way, yes, another thing occurs to me. You let me tell 
you, with the utmost politeness, were very ordinarily designed, 
your birthwrong was, to fall in with Plan, as our nationals 
should, as all nationists must, and do a certain office (what, I will 
not tell you) in a certain holy office (nor will I say where) during 
certain agonising office hours (a clerical party all to yourself) from 
such a year to such an hour on such and such a date at so and 
so much a week pro anno (Guinnesses, may I remind, were just 
agulp for you, failing in which you might have taken the scales off 
boilers like any boskop of Yorek) and do your little thruppenny 
bit and thus earn from the nation true thanks, right here in our 
place of burden, your bourne of travail and ville of tares, where 
after a divine's prodigence you drew the first watergasp in your 
life, from the crib where you once was bit to the crypt you'll 
be twice as shy of, same as we, long of us, alone with the colt 
in the curner, where you were as popular as an armenial with 
the faithful, and you set fire to my tailcoat when I hold the 
paraffin smoker under yours (I hope that chimney's clear) but, 
slackly shirking both your bullet and your billet, you beat it 
backwards like Boulanger from Galway (but he combed the grass 
against his stride) to sing us a song of alibi, (the cuthone call over 
the greybounding slowrolling amplyheaving metamorphoseous 
that oozy rocks parapangle their preposters with) nomad, mooner 
by lamplight, antinos, shemming amid everyone's repressed 
laughter to conceal your scatchophily by mating, like a thorough- 
paste prosodite, masculine monosyllables of die same numerical 
mus, an Irish emigrant the wrong way out, sitting on your crooked 

190 



sixpenny stile, an unfrillfrocked quackfriar, you (will you for 
the laugh of Scheekspair just help mine with the epithet?) semi- 
semitic serendipitist, you (thanks, I think that describes you) 
Europasianised Afferyank! 

Shall we follow each others a steplonger, drowner of daggers, 
whiles our liege, tilyet a stranger in the frontyard of his happi- 
ness, is taking, (heal helper! one gob, one gap, one gulp and 
gorger of all !) his refreshment? 

There grew up beside you, amid our orisons of the speediest 
in Novena Lodge, Novara Avenue, in Patripodium-am-Bummel, 
oaf, outofwork, one remove from an unwashed savage, on his 
keeping and in yours, (I pose you know why possum hides is 
cause he haint the nogumtreeumption) that other, Immaculatus, 
from head to foot, sir, that pure one, Altrues of other times, 
he who was well known to celestine circles before he sped 
aloft, our handsome young spiritual physician that was to be, 
seducing every sense to selfwilling celebesty, the most winning 
counterfeuille on our incomeshare lotetree, a chum of the 
angelets, a youth those reporters so pettitily wanted as game- 
fellow that they asked his mother for ittle earps brupper to 
let him tome to Tindertarten, pease, and bing his scooter 
'long and 'tend they were all real brothers in the big justright 
home where Dodd lives, just to teddyfy the life out of him 
and pat and pass him one with other like musk from hand to 
hand, that mothersmothered model, that goodlooker with not 
a flaw whose spiritual toilettes were the talk of half the town, for 
sunset wear and nightfallen use and daybroken donning and 
nooncheon showing and the very thing for teasetime, but him 
you laid low with one hand one fine May morning in the Meddle 
of your Might, your bosom foe, because he mussed your speller 
on you or because he cut a pretty figure in the focus of your 
frontispecs (not one did you slay, no, but a continent!) to find 
out how his innards worked ! 

Ever read of that greatgrand landfather of our visionbuilders, 
Baaboo, the bourgeoismeister, who thought to touch both him- 
mels at the punt of his risen stiffstaff and how wishywashy sank 

191 



the waters of his thought? Ever thought of that hereticalist Marcon 
and the two scissymaidies and how bulkily he shat the Ructions 
gunorrhal? Ever hear of that foxy, that lupo and that monkax 
and the virgin heir of the Morrisons, eh, blethering ape? 

Malingerer in luxury, collector general, what has Your Low- 
ness done in the mealtime with all the hamilkcars of cooked 
vegetables, the hatfuls of stewed fruit, the suitcases of coddled 
ales, the Parish funds, me schamer, man, that you kittycoaxed so 
flexibly out of charitable butteries by yowling heavy with a 
hollow voice drop of your horrible awful poverty of mind so as 
you couldn't even pledge a crown of Thome's to pawn a coat 
off Trevi's and as how you was bad no end, so you was, so whelp 
you Sinner Pitre and Sinner Poule, with the chicken's gape and 
pas mal de siecle, which, by the by, Reynaldo, is the ordinary 
emetic French for grenadier's drip. To let you have your plank 
and your bonewash (O the hastroubles you lost!), to give you 
your pound of platinum and a thousand thongs a year (O, you 
were excruciated, in honour bound to the cross of your own 
cruelfiction !) to let you have your Sarday spree and holinight sleep 
(fame would come to you twixt a sleep and a wake) and leave to 
lie till Paraskivee and the cockcock crows for Danmark. (O 
Jonathan, your estomach!) The simian has no sentiment secre- 
tions but weep cataracts for all me. Pain the Shamman! Oft in 
the smelly night will they wallow for a clutch of the famished 
hand, I say, them bearded jezabelles you hired to rob you, while 
on your sodden straw impolitely you encored (Airish and naw- 
boggaleesh!) those hornmade ivory dreams you reved of the 
Ruth you called your companionate, a beauty from the bible, of 
the flushpots of Euston and the hanging garments of Maryle- 
bone. But the dormer moonshee smiled selene and the light- 
throwers knickered: who's whinging we? Comport yourself, 
you inconsistency! Where is that little alimony nestegg against 
our predictable rainy day? Is it not the fact (gainsay me, cake- 
eater!) that, while whistlewhirling your crazy elegies around 
Templetombmount joyntstone, (let him pass, pleasegood- 
jesusalem, in a bundle of straw, he was balbettised after hay- 

192 



1 



making) you squandered among underlings the overload of 
your extravagance and made a Hottentot of dulpeners crawsick 
with your crumbs? Am I not right? Yes? Yes? Yes? Holy wax 
and holifer! Don't tell me, Leon of the fold, that you are not a 
loanshark! Look up, old sooty, be advised by mux and take your 
medicine. The Good Doctor mulled it. Mix it twice before re- 
pastures and powder three times a day. It does marvels for your 
gripins and it's fine for the solitary worm. 

Let me finish! Just a little judas tonic, my ghem of all jokes, to 
make you go green in the gazer. Do you hear what I'm seeing, 
hammet? And remember that golden silence gives consent, Mr 
Anklegazer! Cease to be civil, learn to say nay! Whisht! Come 
here, Herr Studiosus, till I tell you a wig in your ear. We'll do a 
whisper drive, for if the barishnyas got a twitter of it they'd tell 
the housetops and then all Cadbury would go crackers. Look! 
Do you see your dial in the rockingglass? Look well ! Bend down 
a stigmy till I! It's secret! Iggri, I say, the booseleers! I had it 
from Lamppost Shawe. And he had it from the Mullah. And Mull 
took it from a Bluecoat schooler. And Gay Socks jot it from 
Potapheu's wife. And RantipoU tipped the wink from old Mrs 
Tinbullet. And as for she was confussed by pro-Brother Thaco- 
licus. And the good brother feels he would need to defecate 
you. And the Flimsy Follettes are simply beside each other. 
And Kelly, Kenny and Keogh are up up and in arms. That a 
cross may crush me if I refuse to believe in it. That I may rock 
anchor through the ages if I hope it's not true. That the host 
may choke me if I beneighbour you without my charity! Sh! 
Shem, you are. Sh! You are mad! 

He points the deathbone and the quick are still. Insomnia^ 
somnia somniorum, Awmawm. 

MERCIUS (of hisself): Domine vopiscus! My fault, his fault, 
a kingship through a fault! Pariah, cannibal Cain, I who oathily 
forswore the womb that bore you and the paps I sometimes 
sucked, you who ever since have been one black mass of jigs and 
jimjams, haunted by a convulsionary sense of not having been 
or being all that I might have been or you meant to becoming, 

193 



bewailing like a man that innocence which I could not defend 
like a woman, lo, you there, Cathmon-Carbery, and thank Movies 
from the innermost depths of my still attrite heart, Wherein 
the days of youyouth are evermixed mimine, now ere the comp- 
line hour of being alone athands itself and a puff or so before 
we yield our spiritus to the wind, for (though that royal one 
has not yet drunk a gouttelette from his consummation and the 
flowerpot on the pole, the spaniel pack and their quarry, retainers 
and the public house proprietor have not budged a millimetre 
and all that has been done has yet to be done and done again, 
when's day's woe, and lo, you're doomed, joy day dawns and, 
la, you dominate) it is to you, firstborn and firstfruit of woe, to 
me, branded sheep, pick of the wasterpaperbaskel, by the 
tremours of Thundery and Ulerin's dogstar, you alone, wind- 
blasted tree of the knowledge of beautiful andevil, ay, clothed 
upon with the metuor and shimmering like the horescens, astro- 
glodynamonologos, the child of Nilfit's father, blzb, to me 
unseen blusher in an obscene coalhole, the cubilibum of your 
secret sigh, dweller in the downandoutermost where voice only 
of the dead may come, because ye left from me, because ye 
laughed on me, because, O me lonly son, ye are forgetting me!, 
that our turfbrown mummy is acoming, alpilla, beltilla, ciltilla, 
deltilla, running with her tidings, old the news of the great big 
world, sonnies had a scrap, woewoewoe! bab's baby walks at 
seven months, waywayway! bride leaves her raid at Punchestime, 
stud stoned before a racecourseful, two belles that make the 
one appeal, dry yanks will visit old sod, and fourtiered skirts 
are up, mesdames, while Parimiknie wears popular short legs, 
and twelve hows to mix a tipsy wake, did ye hear, colt Cooney? 
did ye ever, filly Fortescue? with a beck, with a spring, all her 
riilringlets shaking, rocks drops in her tachie, tramtokens in 
her hair, all waived to a point and then all inuendation, little 
oldfashioned mummy, little wonderful mummy, ducking under 
bridges, bellhopping the weirs, dodging by a bit of bog, rapid- 
shooting round the bends, by Tallaght's green hills and the 
pools of the phooka and a place they call it Blessington and 

194 



I 



slipping sly by Sallynoggin, as happy as the day is wet, bab- 
bling, bubbling, chattering to herself, deloothering the fields on 
their elbows leaning with the sloothering slide of her, giddy- 
gaddy, grannyma, gossipaceous Anna Livia. 

He lifts the lifewand and the dumb speak. 

— Quoiquoiquoiquoiquoiquoiquoiq! 



195 



o 

tell me all about 
Anna Li via! I want to hear all 
about Anna Livia. Well, you know Anna Livia? Yes, of course, 
we all know Anna Livia. Tell me all. Tell me now. You'll die 
when you hear. Well, you know, when the old cheb went futt 
and did what you know. Yes, I know, go on. Wash quit and 
don't be dabbling. Tuck up your sleeves and loosen your talk- 
tapes. And don't butt me — hike! — when you bend. Or what- 
ever it was they threed to make out he thried to two in the 
Fiendish park. He's an awful old reppe. Look at the shirt of him ! 
Look at the dirt of it! He has all my water black on me. And it 
steeping and stuping since this time last wik. How many goes 
is it I wonder I washed it.'^ I know by heart the places he likes to 
saale, duddurty devil! Scorching my hand and starving my fa- 
mine to make his private linen public. Wallop it well with your 
battle and clean it. My wrists are wrusty rubbing the mouldaw 
stains. And the dneepers of wet and the gangres of sin in it! What 
was it he did a tail at all on Animal Sendai.'^ And how long was 
he under loch and neagh.'^ It was put in the newses what he did, 
nicies and priers, the King fierceas Humphrey, with illysus dis- 
tilling, exploits and all. But toms will till. I know he well. Temp 
untamed will hist for no man. As you spring so shall you neap. 
O, the roughty old rappe! Minxing marrage and making loof. 

196 



Reeve Gootch was right and Reeve Drughad was sinistrous ! And 
the cut of him! And the strut of him! How he used to hold his 
head as high as a howeth, the famous eld duke alien, with a hump 
of grandeur on him like a walking wiesel rat. And his derry's 
own drawl and his corksown blather and his doubling stutter 
and his gullaway swank. Ask Lictor Hackett or Lector Reade 
of Garda Growley or the Boy with the Billyclub. How elster is 
he a called at all? Qu'appelle.^ Huges Caput Earlyfouler. Or 
where was he born or how was he found.^ Urgothland, Tvistown 
on the Kattekat? New Hunshire, Concord on the Merrimake? 
Who blocksmitt her saft anvil or yelled lep to her pail.'^ Was her 
banns never loosened in Adam and Eve's or were him and her 
but captain spliced.^ For mine ether duck I thee drake. And by 
my wildgaze I thee gander. Flowey and Mount on the brink of 
time makes wishes and fears for a happy isthmass. She can show 
all her lines, with love, license to play. And if they don't remarry 
that hook and eye may! O, passmore that and oxus another! Don 
Dom Dombdomb and his wee follyo! Was his help inshored in 
the Stork and Pelican against bungelars, flu and third risk par- 
ties.'^ I heard he dug good tin with his doll^ delvan first and duvlin 
after^ when he raped her home, Sabrine asthore, in a parakeet's 
cage, by dredgerous lands and devious delts, playing catched and 
mythed with the gleam of her shadda, (if a flic had been there to 
pop up and pepper him!) past auld min's manse and Maisons 
Allfou and the rest of incurables and the last of immurables, the 
quaggy waag for stumbling. Who sold you that jackalantern's 
tale.^ Pemmican's pasty pie! Not a grasshoop to ring her, not an 
antsgrain of ore. In a gabbard he barqued it, the boat of life, 
from the harbourless Ivernikan Okean, till he spied the loom of 
his landfall and he loosed two croakers from under his tilt, the 
gran Phenician rover. By the smell of her kelp they made the 
pigeonhouse. Like fun they did! But where was Himself, the 
timoneer.'^ That marchantman he suivied their scutties right over 
the wash, his cameleer's burnous breezing up on him, till with 
his runagate bowmpriss he roade and borst her bar. Pilcomayo! 
Suchcaughtawan ! And the whale's away with the grayling! Tune 

197 



your pipes and fall ahumming, you born ijypt, and you're no- 
thing short of one! Well, ptellomey soon and curb your escumo. 
When they saw him shoot swift up her sheba sheath, like any 
gay lord Salomon, her bulls they were ruhring, surfed with 
spree. Boyarka buah! Boyana bueh! He erned his lille Bunbath 
hard, our staly bred, the trader. He did. Look at here. In this wet 
of his prow. Don't you know he was kaldt a bairn of the brine, 
Wasserbourne the waterbaby? Havemmarea, so he was! H.C.E. 
has a codfisck ee. Shyr she's nearly as badher as him herself. 
Who? Anna Li via.'' Ay, Anna Li via. Do you know she was call- 
ing bakvandets sals from all around, nyumba noo, chamba choo, 
to go in till him, her erring cheef, and tickle the pontiff aisy-oisy? 
She was? Gota pot! Yssel that the limmat? As El Negro winced 
when he wonced in La Plate. O, tell me all I want to hear, how 
loft she was lift a laddery dextro ! A coney wink after the bunting 
fell. Letting on she didn't care, sina feza, me absantee, him man 
in passession, the proxenete! Proxenete and phwhat is phthat? 
Emme for your reussischer Honddu jarkon! Tell us in franca 
langua. And call a spate a spate. Did they never sharee you ebro 
at skol, you antiabecedarian? It's just the same as if I was to go 
par examplum now in conservancy's cause out of telekinesis and 
proxenete you. For coxyt sake and is that what she is? Botlettle 
I thought she'd act that loa. Didn't you spot her in her windaug, 
wubbling up on an osiery chair, with a meusic before her all 
cunniform letters, pretending to ribble a reedy derg on a fiddle 
she bogans without a band on? Sure she can't fiddan a dee, with 
bow or abandon! Sure, she can't! Tista suck. Well, I never now 
heard the like of that ! Tell me moher. Tell me moatst. Well, old 
Humber was as glommen as grampus, with the tares at his thor 
and the buboes for ages and neither bowman nor shot abroad and 
bales allbrant on the crests of rockies and nera lamp in kitchen or 
church and giant's holes in Grafton's causeway and deathcap 
mushrooms round Funglus grave and the great tribune's barrow 
all darnels occumule, sittang sambre on his sett, drammen and 
drommen, usking queasy quizzers of his ruful continence, his 
childlinen scarf to encourage his obsequies where he'd check their 

198 



debths in that mormon's thames, be questing and handsetl, hop, 
step and a deepend, with his berths in their toiling moil, his swal- 
lower open from swolf to fore and the snipes of the gutter pecking 
his crocs, hungerstriking all alone and holding doomsdag over 
hunselv, dreeing his weird, with his dander up, and his fringe 
combed over his eygs and droming on loft till the sight of the 
sternes, after zwarthy kowse and weedy broeks and the tits of 
buddy and the loits of pest and to peer was Parish worth thette 
mess. You'd think all was dodo belonging to him how he durmed 
adranse in durance vaal. He had been belching for Severn years. 
And there she was, Anna Livia, she darent catch a winkle of 
sleep, purling around like a chit of a child, Wendawanda, a finger- 
thick, in a Lapsummer skirt and damazon cheeks, for to ishim 
bonzour to her dear dubber Dan. With neuphraties and sault 
from his maggias. And an odd time she'd cook him up blooms 
of fisk and lay to his heartsfoot her meddery eygs, yayis, and 
staynish beacons on toasc and a cupenhave so weeshywashy of 
Greenland's tay or a dzoupgan of Kaffue mokau an sable or 
Sikiang sukry or his ale of ferns in trueart pewter and a shin- 
kobread (hamjambo, bana.'^) for to plaise that man hog stay his 
stomicker till her pyrraknees shrunk to nutmeg graters while her 
togglejoints shuck with goyt and as rash as she'd russ with her 
peakload of vivers up on her sieve (metauwero rage it swales and 
rieses) my hardey Hek he'd kast them frome him, with a stour 
of scorn, as much as to say you sow and you sozh, and if he didn't 
peg the platteau on her tawe, believe you me, she was safe 
enough. And then she'd esk to vistule a hymn. The Heart Bowed 
Down or The Rakes of Mallow or Chelli Michele's La Calumnia e 
un Vermicelli or a balfy bit ov old Jo Robidson, Sucho fuffing a 
fifeing 'twould cut you in two! She'd bate the hen that crowed 
on the turrace of Babbel. What harm if she knew how to cockle 
her mouth ! And not a mag out of Hum no more than out of the 
mangle weight. Is that a faith.^ That's the fact. Then riding the 
ricka and roya romanche^ Annona, gebroren aroostokrat Nivia, 
dochter of Sense and Art, with Sparks' pirryphlickathims funkl- 
ing her fan, anner frostivying tresses dasht with virevlies, — 

199 



while the prom beauties sreeked nith their bearers' skins ! — in 
a period gown of changeable jade that would robe the wood of 
two cardinals* chairs and crush poor Cullen and smother Mac- 
Cabe. O blazerskate! Theirs porpor patches! And brahming to 
him down the feedchute, with her femtyfyx kinds of fondling 
endings, the poother rambling off her nose: Vuggyharney^ 
Wickerymandy! Hello^ ducky ^ please dont die! Do you know 
what she started cheeping after, with a choicey voicey like water- 
glucks or Madame Delba to Romeoreszk? You'll never guess. 
Tell me. Tell me. Phoebe^ dearest^ tell^ 0 tell me and / loved you 
better nor you knew. And letting on boon var daft about the warbly 
sangs from over holmen: High hellskirt saw ladies hensmoker lily- 
hung pigger: and soay and soan and so firth and so forth in a tone 
sonora and Oom Bothar below like Bheri-Bheri in his sandy 
cloak, so umvolosy, as deaf as a yawn, the stult! Go away! Poor 
deef old deary! Yare only teasing! Anna Liv.'^ As chalk is my 
judge! And didn't she up in sorgues and go and trot doon and 
stand in her douro, puffing her old dudheen, and every shirvant 
siligirl or wensum farmerette walking the pilend roads, Sawy, 
Fundally, Daery or Maery, Milucre, Awny or Graw, usedn't she 
make her a simp or sign to slip inside by the sullyport.'^ You don't 
say, the sillypost? Bedouix but I do ! Calling them in, one by one 
(To Blockbeddum here! Here the Shoebenacaddie !) and legging 
a jig or so on the sihl to show them how to shake their benders 
and the dainty how to bring to mind the gladdest garments out 
of sight and all the way of a maid with a man and making a sort 
of a cackling noise like two and a penny or half a crown and hold- 
ing up a silliver shiner. Lordy, lordy, did she so? Well, of all the 
ones ever I heard! Throwing all the neiss little whores in the 
world at him! To inny captured wench you wish of no matter 
what sex of pleissful ways two adda tammar a lizzy a lossie to 
hug and hab haven in Humpy's apron ! 

And what was the wyerye rima she made! Odet! Odet! Tell 
me the trent of it while I'm lathering hail out of Denis Florence 
MacCarthy's combies. Rise it, flut ye, pian piena! I'm dying 
down off my iodine feet until I lerryn Anna Livia's cushingloo, 

200 



that was writ by one and rede by two and trouved by a poule in 
the parco! I can see that, I see you are. How does it tummel? 
Listen now. Are you listening? Yes, yes ! Idneed I am ! Tarn your 
ore ouse ! Essonne inne ! 

By earth and the cloudy hut I badly want a brandnew bankside^ 
bedamp and I do^ and a plumper at that! 

For the putty affair I have is wore out^ so it isy sittings y aping and 
waiting for my old Dane hodder dodderer^ my life in death companion^ 
my frugal key of our larder, my much-altered cameVs hump, my 
jointspoiler , my maymoons honey, my fool to the last Decemberer, 
to wake himself out of his winter's do^e and bore me down like he 
used to. 

Is there irwell a lord of the manor or a knight of the shire at strike^ 
I wonder, that'd dip me a dace or two in cash for washing and 
darning his worshipful socks for him now we're run out of horse- 
brose and milk? 

Only for my short Brittas bed mades as snug as it smells it s 
out Vd lep and off with me to the slobs della Tolka or the plage au 
Clontarf to feale the gay aire of my salt troublin bay and the race 
of the saywint up me ambushure. 

Onon! Onon! tell me more. Tell me every tiny teign. I want 
to know every single ingul. Down to what made the potters fly 
into jagsthole. And why were the vesles vet. That homa fever's 
winning me wome. If a mahun of the horse but hard me ! We'd 
be bundukiboi meet askarigal. Well, now comes the hazel- 
hatchery part. After Clondalkin the Kings's Inns. We'll soon be 
there with the freshet. How many aleveens had she in tool.'^ I can't 
rightly rede you that. Close only knows. Some say she had three 
figures to fill and confined herself to a hundred eleven, wan by- 
wan by wan, making meanacuminamoyas. Olaph lamm et, all that 
pack.'^ We won't have room in the kirkeyaard. She can't remember 
half of the cradlenames she smacked on them by the grace of her 
boxing bishop's infallible slipper, the cane for Kund and abbles for 
Eyolf and ayther nayther for Yakov Yea. A hundred and how? 
They did well to rechristien her Pluhurabelle. O loreley! What a 
loddon lodes! Heigh ho! But it's quite on the cards she'll shed 

20I 



more and merrier, twills and trills, sparefours and spoilfives, nord- 
sihkes and sudsevers and ayes and neins to a litter. Grandfarthring 
nap and Messamisery and the knave of all knaves and the joker. 
Heehaw! She must have been a gadabount in her day, so she 
must, more than most. Shoal she was, gidgad. She had a flewmen 
of her owen. Then a toss nare scared that lass, so aimai moe, 
that's agapo! Tell me, tell me, how cam she camlin through all 
her fellows, the neckar she was, the diveline.'^ Casting her perils 
before our swains from Fonte-in-Monte to Tidingtown and 
from Tidingtown tilhavet. Linking one and knocking the next, 
tap ting a flank and tipting a jutty and palling in and pietaring 
out and clyding by on her eastway. Waiwhou was the first thur- 
ever burst.'* Someone he was, whuebra they were, in a tactic attack 
or in single combat. Tinker, tilar, souldrer, salor. Pieman Peace 
or Polistaman. That's the thing Pm elwys on edge to esk. Push 
up and push vardar and come to uphill headquarters! Was it 
waterlows year, after Grattan or Flood, or when maids were in 
Arc or when three stood hosting.'^ Fidaris will find where the 
Doubt arises like Nieman from Nirgends found the Nihil. Worry 
you sighin fob, Albern, O Anser.'* Untie the gemman's fistiknots, 
Qvic and Nuancee! She can't put her hand on him for the mo- 
ment. Tez thelon langlo, walking weary! Such a loon waybash- 
wards to row! She sid herself she hardly knows whuon the annals 
her graveller was, a dynast of Leinster, a wolf of the sea, or what 
he did or how blyth she played or how, when, why, where and 
who offon he jumpnad her and how it was gave her away. She 
was just a young thin pale soft shy slim slip of a thing then, 
sauntering, by silvamoonlake and he was a heavy trudging 
lurching lieabroad of a Curraghman, making his hay for whose 
sun to shine on, as tough as the oaktrees (peats be with them!) 
used to rustle that time down by the dykes of killing Kildare, 
for forstfellfoss with a plash across her. She thought she's sankh 
neathe the ground with nymphant shame when he gave her the 
tigris eye ! O happy fault ! Me wish it was he ! You're wrong there, 
corribly wrong! Tisn't only tonight you're anacheronistic ! It 
was ages behind that when nullahs were nowhere, in county 

202 



Wickenlow, garden of Erin, before she ever dreamt she'd lave 
Kilbride and go foaming under Horsepass bridge, with the great 
southerwestern windstorming her traces and the midland's grain- 
waster asarch for her track, to wend her ways byandby, robecca 
or worse, to spin and to grind, to sv/ab and to thrash, for all her 
golden lifey in the barleyfields and pennylotts of Humphrey's 
fordofhurdlestown and lie with a landleaper, wellingtonorseher. 
Alesse, the lagos of girly days! For the dove of the dunas! Was- 
ut? Izod? Are you sarthin suir? Not where the Finn fits into the 
Mourne, not where the Nore takes lieve of Blcem, not where the 
Braye divarts the Farer, not where the Moy changez her minds 
twixt CuUin and Conn tween Cunn and Collin? Or where Neptune 
sculled and Tritonville rowed and leandros three bumped heroines 
two? Neya, narev, nen, nonni, nos! Then whereabouts in Ow and 
Ovoca? Was it yst with wyst or Lucan Yokan or where the hand 
of man has never set foot? Dell me where, the fairy ferse time! I 
will if you listen. You know the dinkel dale of Luggelaw? Well, 
there once dwelt a local heremite, Michael Arklow was his river- 
end name, (with many a sigh I aspersed his lavabibs!) and one 
venersderg in junojuly, oso sweet and so cool and so limber she 
looked, Nance the Nixie, Nanon L'Escaut, in the silence, of the sy- 
comores, all listening, the kindling curves you simply can't stop 
feeling, he plunged both of his newly anointed hands, the core of 
his cushlas, in her singimari saffron strumans of hair, parting them 
and soothing her and mingling it, that was deepdark and ample 
like this red bog at sundown. By that Vale Vowclose's lucydlac, 
the reignbeau's heavenarches arronged orranged her. Afroth- 
dizzying galbs, her enamelled eyes indergoading him on to the 
vierge violetian. Wish a wish ! Why a why? Mavro ! Letty Lerck's 
lafing light throw those laurals now on her daphdaph teasesong 
petrock. Maass! But the majik wavus has elfun anon meshes. 
And Simba the Slayer of his Oga is slewd. He cuddle not help 
himself, thurso that hot on him, he had to forget the monk in 
the man so, rubbing her up and smoothing her down, he baised 
his lippes in smiling mood, kiss akiss after kisokushk (as he 
warned her niver to, niver to, nevar) on Anna-na-Poghue's of 

203 



the freckled forehead. While you'd parse secheressa she hielt her 
souff*. But she ruz two feet hire in her aisne aestumation. And 
steppes on stilts ever since. That was kissuahealing with bantur 
for balm! O, wasn't he the bold priest? And wasn't she the 
naughty Livvy? Nautic Naama's now her navn. Two lads in 
scoutsch breeches went through her before that, Barefoot Bum 
and Wallowme Wade, Lugnaquillia's noblesse pickts, before she 
had a hint of a hair at her fanny to hide or a bossom to tempt a 
birch canoedler not to mention a bulgic porterhouse barge. And 
ere that again, leada, laida, all unraidy, too faint to buoy the 
fairiest rider, too frail to flirt with a cygnet's plume, she was licked 
by a hound, Chirripa-Chirruta, while poing her pee, pure and 
simple, on the spur of the hill in old Kippure, in birdsong and 
shearingtime, but first of all, worst of all, the wiggly livvly, she 
sideslipped out by a gap in the Devil's glen while Sally her nurse 
was sound asleep in a sloot and, feefee fiefie, fell over a spillway 
before she found her stride and lay and wriggled in all the stag- 
nant black pools of rainy under a fallow coo and she laughed 
innocefree with her limbs aloft and a whole drove of maiden 
hawthorns blushing and looking askance upon her. 

Drop me the sound of the findhorn's name, Mtu or Mti, som- 
bogger was wisness. And drip me why in the flenders was she 
frickled. And trickle me through was she marcellewaved or was 
it weirdly a wig she wore. And whitside did they droop their 
glows in their florry, aback to wist or affront to sea? In fear to 
hear the dear so near or longing loth and loathing longing? Are 
you in the swim or are you out? O go in, go on, go an ! I mean 
about what you know. I know right well what you mean. Rother ! 
You'd like the coifs and guimpes, snouty, and me to do the 
greasy jub on old Veronica's wipers. What am I rancing now 
and I'll thank you? Is it a pinny or is it a surplice? Arran, where's 
your nose? And where's the starch? That's not the vesdre bene- 
diction smell. I can tell from here by their eau de Colo and the 
scent of her oder they're Mrs Magrath's. And you ought to have 
aird them. They've moist come off her. Creases in silk they 
are, not crampton lawn. Baptiste me, father, for she has sinned I 

204 



i 

L 



Through her catchment ring she freed them easy, with her hips* 
hurrahs for her knees'dontelleries. The only parr with frills in 
old the plain. So they are, I declare! Welland well! If tomorrow 
keeps fine who'll come tripping to sightsee? How'll? Ask me 
next what I haven't got! The Belvedarean exhibitioners. In their 
cruisery caps and oarsclub colours. What hoo, they band! And 
what hoa, they buck! And here is her nubilee letters too. Ellis 
on quay in scarlet thread. Linked for the world on a flush- 
caloured field. Annan exe after to show they're not Laura Ke- 
own's. O, may the diabolo twisk your seifety pin! You child of 
Mammon, Kinsella's Lilith ! Now who has been tearing the leg 
of her drawars on her.^ Which leg is it.'^ The one with the bells 
on it. Rinse them out and aston along with you! Where did I 
stop.'^ Never stop! Continuarration ! You're not there yet. I 
amstel waiting. Garonne, garonne! 

Well, after it was put in the Mericy Cordial Mendicants' Sitter- 
dag-Zindeh-Munaday Wakeschrift (for once they sullied their 
white kidloves, chewing cuds after their dinners of cheeckin and 
beggin, with their show us it here and their mind out of that and 
their when you're quite finished with the reading matarial), even 
the snee that snowdon his hoaring hair had a skunner against 
him. Thaw, thaw, sava, savuto! Score Her Chuff Exsquire! 
Everywhere erriff you went and every bung you arver dropped 
into, in cit or suburb or in addled areas, the Rose and Bottle or 
Phoenix Tavern or Power's Inn or Jude's Hotel or wherever you 
scoured the countryside from Nannywater to Vartryville or from 
Porta Lateen to the lootin quarter you found his ikom etsched 
tipside down or the cornerboys cammocking his guy and Morris 
the Man, with the role of a royss in his turgos the turrible, (Evro- 
peahahn cheic house, unskimmed sooit and yahoort, hamman 
now cheekmee, Ahdahm this way make, Fatima, half turn!) 
reeling and railing round the local as the peihos piped und uban- 
jees twanged, with oddfellow's triple tiara busby rotundarinking 
round his scalp. Like Pate-by-the-Neva or Pete-over-Meer. This 
is the Hausman all paven and stoned, that cribbed the Cabin that 
never was owned that cocked his leg and hennad his Egg. And 

205 



the mauldrin rabble around him in areopage, fracassing a great 
bingkan cagnan with their timpan crowders. Mind your Grimm- 
father! Think of your Ma! Hing the Hong is his jove's hang- 
nomen ! Lilt a bolero, bulling a law ! She swore on croststyx nyne 
wyndabouts she's be level with all the snags of them yet. Par the 
Vulnerable Virgin's Mary del Dame! So she said to herself she'd 
frame a plan to fake a shine, the mischiefmaker, the like of it you 
niever heard. What plan.'* Tell me quick and dongu so crould! 
What the meurther did she mague? Well, she bergened a zakbag, 
a shammy mailsack, with the lend of a loan of the light of his 
lampion, off one of her swapsons, Shaun the Post, and then she 
went and consulted her chapboucqs, old Mot Moore, Casey's 
Euclid and the Fashion Display and made herself tidal to join 
in the mascarete. O gig goggle of gigguels. I can't tell you how! 
It's too screaming to rizo, rabbit it all ! Minneha, minnehi mina- 
aehe, minneho! O but you must, you must really! Make my hear 
it gurgle gurgle, like the farest gargle gargle in the dusky dirgle 
dargle! By the holy well of Mulhuddart I swear I'd pledge my 
chanza getting to heaven through Tirry and Killy's mount of 
impiety to hear it all, aviary word! O, leave me my faculties, 
woman, a while ! If you don't like my story get out of the punt. 
Well, have it your own way, so. Here, sit down and do as you're 
bid. Take my stroke and bend to your bow. Forward in and pull 
your overthepoise! Lisp it slaney and crisp it quiet. Deel me long- 
some. Tongue your time now. Breathe thet deep. Thouat's the 
fairway. Hurry slow and Scheldt you go. Lynd us your blessed 
ashes here till I scrub the canon's underpants. Flow now. Ower 
more. And pooleypooley. 

First she let her hair fal and down it flussed to her feet its 
teviots winding coils. Then, mothernaked, she sampood herself 
with galawater and fraguant pistania mud, wupper and lauar, 
from crown to sole. Next she greesed the groove of her keel, 
warthes and wears and mole and itcher, with antifouling butter- 
scatch and turfentide and serpenthyme and with leafmould she 
ushered round prunella isles and eslats dun, quincecunct, allover 
her little mary. Peeld gold of waxwork her jellybelly and her 

206 



I 



grains of incense anguille bronze. And after that she wove a gar- 
land for her hair. She pleated it. She plaited.it. Of meadowgrass 
and riverflags, the bulrush and waterweed, and of fallen griefs of 
weeping willow. Then she made her bracelets and her anklets 
and her armlets and a jetty amulet for necklace of clicking cobbles 
and pattering pebbles and rumbledown rubble, richmond and 
rehr, of Irish rhunerhinerstones and shellmarble bangles. That 
done, a dawk of smut to her airy ey, Annushka Lutetiavitch 
Pufflovah, and the lellipos cream to her lippeleens and the pick 
of the paintbox for her pommettes, from strawbirry reds to 
extra violates, and she sendred her boudeloire maids to His 
Affluence, Ciliegia Grande and Kirschie Real, the two chirsines, 
with respecks from his missus, seepy and sewery, and a request 
might she passe of him for a minnikin. A call to pay and light a 
taper, in Brie-on-Arrosa, back in a sprizzling. The cock striking 
mine, the stalls bridely sign, there's Zambosy waiting for Me! 
She said she wouldn't be half her length away. Then, then, as 
soon as the lump his back was turned, with her mealiebag slang 
over her shulder, Anna Livia, oysterface, forth of her bassein 
came. 

Describe her! Hustle along, why can't you.'* Spitz on the iern 
while it's hot. I wouldn't miss her for irthing on nerthe. Not for 
the lucre of lomba strait. Oceans of Gaud, I mosel hear that! 
Ogowe presta! Leste, before Julia sees her! Ishekarry and washe- 
meskad, the carishy caratimaney.'^ Whole lady fair.'^ Duodecimo- 
roon? Bon a ventura? Malagassy.^ What had she on, the liddel oud 
oddity.'^ How much did she scallop, harness and weights.'^ Here 
she is, Amnisty Ann ! Call her calamity electrifies man. 

No electress at all but old Moppa Necessity, angin mother of 
injons. I'll tell you a test. But you must sit still Will you hold 
your peace and listen well to what I am going to say now.'^ It 
might have been ten or twenty to one of the night of AUclose or 
the nexth of April when the flip of her hoogly igloo flappered and 
out toetippit a bushman woman, the dearest little moma ever 
you saw, nodding around her, all smiles, with ems of embarras 
and aues to awe, between two ages, a judy queen, not up to your 

207 



elb. Quick, look at her cute and saise her quirk for the bicker she 
lives the slicker she grows. Save us and tagus ! No more? Werra 
where in ourthe did you ever pick a Lambay chop as big as a 
battering ram? Ay, you're right. Fm epte to forgetting. Like 
Liviam Liddle did Loveme Long. The linth of my hough, I say ! 
She wore a ploughboy's nailstudded clogs, a pair of ploughfields 
in themselves: a sugarloaf hat with a gaudyquiviry peak and a 
band of gorse for an arnoment and a hundred streamers dancing 
off it and a guildered pin to pierce it: owlglassy bicycle s bog gled 
her eyes: and a fishnetzeveil for the sun not to spoil the wrinklings 
of her hydeaspects: potatorings boucled the loose laubes of her 
laudsnarers: her nude cuba stockings were salmospotspeckled: she 
sported a galligo shimmy of hazevaipar tinto that never was fast 
till it ran in the washing: stout stays, the rivals, lined her length: 
her bloodorange bockknickers, a two in one garment, showed 
natural nigger boggers, fancyfastened, free to undo: her black- 
stripe tan Joseph was sequansewn and teddybearlined, with wavy 
rushgreen epaulettes and a leadown here and there of royal 
swansruff: a brace of gaspers stuck in her hay rope garters: her 
civvy codroy coat with alpheubett buttons was boundaried round 
with a twobar tunnel belt: a fourpenny bit in each pocketside 
weighed her safe from the blowaway windrush; she had a clothes- 
peg tight astride on her joki's nose and she kep on grinding a 
sommething quaint in her fiumy mouth and the rrreke of the 
fluve of the tail of the gawan of her snuffdrab siouler's skirt 
trailed ffiffty odd Irish miles behind her lungarhodes. 

Hellsbells, Fm sorry I missed her! Sweet gumptyum and no- 
body fainted ! But in whelk of her mouths? Was her naze alight? 
Everyone that saw her said the dowce little delia looked a bit 
queer. Lotsy trotsy, mind the poddle! Missus, be good and don't 
fol in the say! Fenny poor hex she must have charred. Kickhams 
a frumpier ever you saw! Making mush mullet's eyes at her boys 
dobelon. And they crowned her their chariton queen, all the 
maids. Of the may? You don't say! Well for her she couldn't 
see herself. I recknitz wharfore the darling murrayed her mirror. 
She did? Mersey me! There was a koros of drouthdropping sur- 

208 



L 



II 



facemen, boomslanging and plugchewing, fruiteyeing and flower- 
feeding, in contemplation of the fluctuation and the undificatidn 
of her filimentation, lolling and leasing on North Lazers' Waal 
all eelfare week by the Jukar Yoick's and as soon as they saw her 
meander by that marritime way in her grasswinter's weeds and 
twigged who was under her archdeaconess bonnet, Avondale's 
fish and Clarence's poison, sedges an to aneber, Wit-upon- 
Crutches to Master Bates: Between our two southsates and the 
granite they re warmings or her face has been lifted or Alp has doped! 

But what was the game in her mixed baggyrhatty? Just the 
tembo in her tumbo or pilipili from her pepperpot? Saas and 
taas and specis bizaas. And where in thunder did she plunder? 
Fore the battle or efter the ball? I want to get it frisk from the 
soorce. I aubette my bearb it's worth while poaching on! Shake 
it up, do, do! That's a good old son of a ditch! I promise Fll 
make it worth your while. And I don't mean maybe. Nor yet 
with a goodfor. Spey me pruth and I'll tale you true. 

Well, arundgirond in a waveney lyne aringarouma she pattered 
and swung and sidled, dribbling her boulder through narrowa 
mosses, the diliskydrear on our drier side and the vilde vetchvine 
agin us, curara here, career o there, not knowing which medway 
or weser to strike it, edereider, making chattahoochee all to her 
ain chichiu, like Santa Claus at the cree of the pale and puny, 
nistling to hear for their tiny hearties, her arms encircling Isola- 
bella, then running with reconciled Romas and Reims, on like a 
lech to be ofl" like a dart, then bathing Dirty Hans' spatters with 
spittle, with a Christmas box apiece for aisch and iveryone of her 
childer, the birthday gifts they dreamt they gabe her, the spoiled 
she fleetly laid at our door! On the matt, by the pourch and in- 
under the cellar. The rivulets ran aflod to see, the glashaboys, the 
pollynooties. Out of the paunschaup on to the pyre. And they all 
about her, juvenile leads and ingenuinas, from the slime of their 
slums and artesaned wellings, rickets and riots, like the Smyly 
boys at their vicereine's levee. Vivi vienne, little Annchen! Vielo 
Anna, high life! Sing us a sula, O, susuria! Ausone sidulcis! 
Hasn't she tambre! Chipping her and raising a bit of a chir or a 

209 



jary every dive she'd neb in her culdee sacco of wabbash she 
raabed and reach out her maundy meerschaundize, poor souvenir 
as per ricorder and all for sore aringarung, stinkers and heelers, 
laggards and primelads, her furzeborn sons and dribblederry 
daughters, a thousand and one of them, and wickerpotluck for 
each of them. For evil and ever. And kiks the buch. A tinker's 
bann and a barrow to boil his billy for Gipsy Lee; a cartridge of 
cockaleekie soup for Chummy the Guardsman; for sulky Pen- 
der's acid nephew deltoid drops, curiously strong; a cough and 
a rattle and wildrose cheeks for poor Piccolina Petite MacFarlane; 
a jigsaw puzzle of needles and pins and blankets and shins between 
them for Isabel, Jezebel and Llewelyn Mmarriage; a brazen nose 
and pigiron mittens for Johnny Walker Beg; a papar flag of the 
saints and stripes for Kevineen O'Dea; a puffpuff for Pudge Craig 
and a nightmarching hare for Techertim Tombigby; waterleg 
and gumboots each for Bully Hayes and Hurricane Hartigan; 
a prodigal heart and fatted calves for Buck Jones, the pride of 
Clonliffe; a loaf of bread and a father's early aim for Val from 
Skibereen; a jauntingcar for Larry Doolin, the Ballyclee jackeen; 
a seasick trip on a government ship for Teague O' Flanagan; a 
louse and trap for Jerry Coyle; slushmincepies for Andy Mac- 
kenzie; a hairclip and clackdish for Penceless Peter; that twelve 
sounds look for G. V. Brooke; a drowned doll, to face down- 
wards for modest Sister Anne Mortimer; altar falls for Blanchisse's 
bed; Wildairs' breechettes for Magpeg Woppington; to Sue Dot 
a big eye; to Sam Dash a false step; snakes in clover, picked and 
scotched, and a vaticanned viper catcher's visa for Patsy Presbys; 
a reiz every morning for Standfast Dick and a drop every minute 
for Stumblestone Davy; scruboak beads for beatified Biddy; two 
appletweed stools for Eva Mobbely; for Saara Philpot a Jordan 
vale tearorne; a pretty box of Pettyfib's Powder for Eileen Aruna 
to whiten her teeth and outflash Helen Arhone; a whippingtop 
for Eddy Lawless; for Kitty Coleraine of Butterman's Lane a 
penny wise for her foolish pitcher; a putty shovel for Terry the 
Puckaun; an apotamus mask for Promoter Dunne; a niester egg 
with a twicedated shell and a dynamight right for Pavl the Curate; 

210 



a collera morbous for Mann in the Cloack; a starr and girton for 
Draper and Deane; for Will-of-the-Wisp and Barny-the-Bark two 
mangolds noble to sweeden their bitters; for Oliver Bound a 
way in his frey; for Seumas, thought little, a crown he feels big; 
a tibertine's pile with a Congoswood cross on the back for 
Sunny Twimjim; a praises be and spare me days for Brian the 
Bravo; penteplenty of pity with lubilashings of lust for Olona 
Lena Magdalena; for Camilla, Dromilla, Ludmilla, Mamilla, a 
bucket, a packet, a book and a pillow; for Nancy Shannon a 
Tuami brooch; for Dora Riparia Hopeandwater a cooling douche 
and a warmingpan; a pair of Blarney braggs for Wally Meagher; 
a hairpin slatepencil for Elsie Oram to scratch her toby, doing 
her best with her volgar fractions; an old age pension for Betty 
Bellezza; a bag of the blues for Funny Fitz; a Missa pro Messa for 
Taff de Taff; Jill, the spoon of a girl, for Jack, the broth of a boy; 
a Rogerson Crusoe's Friday fast for Caducus Angelus Rubicon- 
stein; three hundred and sixtysix poplin tyne for revery warp in 
the weaver's woof for Victor Hugonot; a stiff steaded rake and 
good varians muck for Kate the Cleaner; a hole in the ballad for 
Hosty; two dozen of cradles for J.F.X.P. Coppinger; tenpounten 
on the pop for the daulphins born with five spoiled squibs for 
Infanta; a letter to last a lifetime for Maggi beyond by the ashpit; 
the heftiest frozenmeat woman from Lusk to Livienbad for Felim 
the Ferry; spas and speranza and symposium's syrup for decayed 
and blind and gouty Gough; a change of naves and joys of ills 
for Armoricus Tristram Amoor Saint Lawrence; a guillotine 
shirt for Reuben Redbreast and hempen suspendeats for Bren- 
nan on the Moor; an oakanknee for Conditor Sawyer and mus- 
quodoboits for Great Tropical Scott; a C3 peduncle for Karma- 
lite Kane; a sunless map of the month, including the sword and 
stamps, for Shemus O'Shaun the Post; a jackal with hide for 
Browne but Nolan; a stonecold shoulder for Donn Joe Vance; 
all lock and no stable for Honorbright Merreytrickx; a big drum 
for Billy Dunboyne; a guilty goldeny bellows, below me blow 
me, for Ida Ida and a hushaby rocker, Elletrouvetout, for Who-is- 
silvier — "Where-is-he?; whatever you like to swilly to swash, 



Yuinness or Yennessy, Laagen or Niger, for Festus King and 
Roaring Peter and Frisky Shorty and Treacle Tom and O. B. 
Behan and Sully the Thug and Master Magrath and Peter Cloran 
and O'Delawarr Rossa and Nerone MacPacem and whoever you 
chance to meet knocking around; and a pig's bladder balloon for 
Selina Susquehanna Stakelum. But what did she give to Pruda 
Ward and Katty Kanel and Peggy Quilty and Briery Brosna and 
Teasy Kieran and Ena Lappin and Muriel Maassy and Zusan Camac 
and Melissa Bradogue and Flora Ferns and Fauna Fox-Good- 
man and Grettna Greaney and Penelope Inglesante and Lezba 
Licking like Leytha Liane and Roxana Rohan with Simpatica 
Sohan and Una Bina Laterza and Trina La Mesme and Philomena 
O'Farrell and Irmak Elly and Josephine Foyle and Snakeshead 
Lily and Fountainoy Laura and Marie Xavier Agnes Daisy 
Frances de Sales Macleay? She gave them ilcka madre's daughter 
a moonflower and a bloodvein: but the grapes that ripe before 
reason to them that devide the vinedress. So on Izzy, her shame- 
maid, love shone befond her tears as from Shem, her penmight, 
life past befoul his prime. 

My colonial, wardha bagful! A bakereen's dusind with tithe 
tillies to boot. That's what you may call a tale of a tub ! And Hi- 
bernonian market! All that and more under one crinoline enve- 
lope if you dare to break the porkbarrel seal. No wonder they'd 
run from her pison plague. Throw us your hudson soap for the 
honour of Clane! The wee taste the water left. I'll raft it back, 
first thing in the marne. Merced mulde! Ay, and don't forget the 
reckitts I lohaned you. You've all the swirls your side of the cur- 
rent. Well, am I to blame for that if I have? Who said you're to 
blame for that if you have.'^ You're a bit on the sharp side. I'm on 
the wide. Only snuffers' cornets drifts my way that the cracka 
dvine chucks out of his cassock, with her estheryear's marsh 
narcissus to make him recant his vanitty fair. Foul strips of his 
Chinook's bible I do be reading, dodwell disgustered but chickled 
with chuckles at the tittles is drawn on the tattlepage. Senior ga 
dito: Faciasi Omo! E omo fu fd. Ho! Ho! Senior ga dito: Faciasi 
Hidamol Hidamo se ga facessa. Ha ! Ha ! And Die Windermere 

212 



Dichter and Lefanu (Sheridan's) old House hy the Coachyard and 
Mill (J.) On Woman with Ditto on the Floss. Ja, a swamp for Alt- 
muehler and a stone for his flossies ! I know how racy they move 
his wheel. My hands are blawcauld between isker and suda like 
that piece of pattern chayney there, lying below. Or where is it? 
Lying beside the sedge I saw it. Hoangho, my sorrow, I've lost 
it! Aimihi! With that turbary water who could see? So near and 
yet so far! But O, gihon! I lovat a gabber. I could listen to maure 
and moravar again. Regn onder river. Flies do your float. Thick 



is the life for mere. 

Well, you know or don't you kennet or haven't I told you 




every telling has a taling and that's the he and the she of it. Look, i 
look, the dusk is growing! My branches lofty are taking root. 
And my cold cher's gone ashley. Fieluhr? Filou! What age is at? 
It saon is late. 'Tis endless now senne eye or erewone last saw 
Waterhouse's clogh. They took it asunder, I hurd thum sigh. ^ 
When will they reassemble it? O, my back, my back, my bach! i ' ^ l. 
I'd want to go to Aches-les-Pains. Pingpong! There's the Belle \ ^ 
for Sexaloitez! And Concepta de Send-us-pray! Pang! Wring out t'^^^ ^7^-0 ^ 
the clothes! Wring in the dew! Godavari, vert the showers! And 
grant thaya grace! Aman. Will we spread them here now? Ay, 
we will. Flip! Spread on your bank and I'll spread mine on mine. 
Flep ! It's what I'm doing. Spread ! It's churning chill. Der went is 
rising. I'll lay a few stones on the hostel sheets. A man and his bride 
embraced between them. Else I'd have sprinkled and folded them 
only. And I'll tie my butcher's apron here. It's suety yet. The 
strollers will pass it by. Six shifts, ten kerchiefs, nine to hold toj ^ 
the fire and this for the code, the convent napkins, twelve, one 
baby's shawl. Good mother Jossiph knows, she said. Whose 
head? Mutter snores? Deataceas! Wharnow are alle her childer, 
say? In kingdome gone or power to come or gloria be to them 
farther? Allalivial, allalluvial! Some here, more no more, more 
again lost alia stranger. I've heard tell that same brooch of the 
Shannons was married into a family in Spain. And all the Dun- 
ders de Dunnes in Markland's Vineland beyond Brendan's herring 
pool takes number nine in yangsee's hats. And one of Biddy's 

213 



beads went bobbing till she rounded up lost histereve with a 
marigold and a cobbler's candle in a side strain of a main drain 
of a manzinahurries off Bachelor's Walk. But all that's left to the 
last of the Meaghers in the loup of the years prefixed and between 
is one kneebuckle and two hooks in the front. Do you tell me 
that now? I do in troth. Orara por Orbe and poor Las Animas! 
Ussa, Ulla, we're umbas all! Mezha, didn't you hear it a deluge of 
times, ufer and ufer, respund to spond.^ You deed, you deed! I 
need, I need! It's that irrawaddyng I've stoke in my aars. It all 
but husheth the lethest zswound. Oronoko! What's your trouble? 
Is that the great Finnleader himself in his joakimono on his statue 
riding the high horse there forehengist? Father of Otters, it is 
himself! Yonne there! Isset that? On Fallareen Common? You're 
thinking of Astley's Amphitheayter where the bobby restrained 
you making sugarstuck pouts to the ghostwhite horse of the 
Peppers. Throw the cobwebs from your eyes, woman, and spread 
your washing proper! It's well I know your sort of slop. Flap! 
Ireland sober is Ireland stiff. Lord help you, Maria, full of grease, 
the load is with me! Your prayers. I sonht zo! Madammangut! 
Were you lifting your elbow, tell us, glazy cheeks, in Conway's 
Carrigacurra canteen? Was I what, hobbledyhips? Flop! Your 
rere gait's creakorheuman bitts your butts disagrees. Amn't I 
up since the damp dawn, marthared mary allacook, with Corri- 
gan's pulse and varicoarse veins', my pramaxle smashed, Alice 
Jane in decline and my oneeyed mongrel twice run over, soaking 
and bleaching boiler rags, and sweating cold, a widow like me, 
for to deck my tennis champion son, the laundryman with the 
lavandier flannels? You won your limpopo limp fron the husky 
hussars when Collars and Cuffs was heir to the town and your 
slur gave the stink to Carlow. Holy Scamander, I sar it again! 
Near the golden falls. Icis on us! Seints of light! Zezere! Subdue 
your noise, you hamble creature! What is it but a blackburry 
growth or the dwyergray ass them four old codgers owns. Are 
you meanam Tarpey and Lyons and Gregory? I meyne now, 
thank all, the four of them, and the roar of them, that draves 
that stray in the mist and old Johnny MacDougal along with 

214 



'i 



r 



them. Is that the Poolbeg flasher beyant, pharphar, or a fireboat 
coasting nyar the Kishtna or a glow I behold within a hedge or 
my Garry come back from the Indes? Wait till the honeying of 
the lune, love! Die eve, little eve, die! We see that wonder in 
your eye. We'll meet again, we'll part once more. The spot I'll 
seek if the hour you'll find. My chart shines high where the blue 
milk's upset. Forgivemequick, I'm going! Bubye! And you, 
pluck your watch, forgetmenot. Your evenlode. So save to 
jurna's end! My sights are swimming thicker on me by the sha- 
dows to this place. I sow home slowly now by own way, moy- 
valley way. Towy I too, rathmine. 

Ah, but she was the queer old skeowsha anyhow, Anna Livia, 
trinkettoes! And sure he was the quare old buntz too. Dear Dirty 
Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and dotthergills. Gammer 
and gaffer we're all their gangsters. Hadn't he seven dams to wive 
him.'^ And every dam had her seven crutches. And every crutch 
had its seven hues. And each hue had a differing cry. Sudds for 
me and supper for you and the doctor's bill for Joe John. Befor! 
Bifur! He married his markets, cheap by foul, I know, like any 
Etrurian Catholic Heathen, in their pinky limony creamy birnies 
and their turkiss indienne mauves. But at milkidmass who was 
the spouse.'^ Then all that was was fair. Tys Elvenland ! Teems of 
times and happy returns. The seim anew. Ordovico or viricordo. 
Anna :was, Livia is,^ Plurabelle's to be. Northmen's thing made 
southfolk's place but howmulty plurators made eachone in per- 
son.'^ Latin me that, my trinity scholard, out of cure sanscreed into 
oure eryan! Hircus Civis Ehlanensis! He had buckgoat paps on 
him, soft ones for orphans. Ho, Lord ! Twins of his bosom. Lord 
save us! And ho! Hey.^ What all men. Hot.^ His tittering daugh- 
ters of. Whawk.^ 

Can't hear with the waters of. The chittering waters of. Flitter- 
ing bats, fieldmice bawk talk. Ho! Are you not gone ahome.'* 
What Thom Malone.^ Can't hear with bawk of bats, all thim liffey- 
ing waters of. Ho, talk save us ! My foos won't moos. I feel as old 
as yonder elm. A tale told of Shaun or Shem.^ All Livia's daughter- 
sons. Dark hawks hear us. Night! Night! My ho head halls. I feel 

215 



as heavy as yonder stone. Tell me of John or Shaun? Who were 
Shem and Shaun the living sons or daughters of? Night now! 
Tell me, tell me, tell me, elm! Night night! Telmetale of stem or 
stone. Beside the rivering waters of, hitherandthithering waters 
of. Night! 



216 



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Every evening at lighting up o'clock sharp and until further 
notice in Feenichts Playhouse. (Bar and conveniences always 
open, Diddlem Club douncestears.) Entrancings: gads, a scrab; 
the quality, one large shilling. Newly billed for each wickeday 
perfumance. Somndoze massinees. By arraignment, childream's 
hours, expercatered. Jampots, rinsed porters, taken in token. With 
nightly redistribution of parts and players by the puppetry pro- 
ducer and daily dubbing of ghosters, with the benediction of the 
Holy Genesius Archimimus and under the distinguished patron- 
age of their Elderships the Oldens from the four coroners of 
Findrias, Murias, Gorias and Falias, Messoirs the Coarbs, Clive 
SoUis, Galorius Kettle, Pobiedo Lancey and Pierre Dusort, 
while the Caesar-in-Chief looks. On. Sennet. As played to the " ' ^ ^ 
Adelphi by the Brothers Bratislavoff (Hyrcan and Haristobulus), 
f\ after humpteen dumpteen revivals. Before all the King's Hoarsers 
with all the Queen's Mum. And wordloosed over seven seas 
crowdblast in cellelleneteutoslavzendlatinsoundscript. In four 
tubbloids. While fern may cald us until firn make cold. The Mime 
oj Micky Nick and the Maggies^ adopted from the Ballymooney 
Bloodriddon Murther by Bluechin Blackdillain (authorways *Big 
Storey'), featuring: 

GLUGG (Mr Seumas McQuillad, hear the riddles between the ^ ^ ^ 
robot in his dress circular and the gagster in the rogues' gallery), 
the bold^ad bleak boy of the storybooks, who, when the tabs go 



up, as we discover, because he knew to mutch, has been divorced 
into disgrace court by 

THE FLORAS (Girl Scouts froHi St. Bride's Finishing Establish- 
ment, demand acidulateds), a month's bunch of pretty maidens 
who, while they pick on her, their pet peeve, form with valkyri- 
enne licence the guard for 

izoD (Miss Butys Pott, ask the attendantess for a leaflet), a be- 
witching blonde who dimples delightfully and is approached in 
loveliness only by her grateful sister reflection in a mirror, the cloud 
of the opal, who, having jilted GJugg, is being fatally fascinated by 

CHUFF (Mr Sean O'Mailey, see the chalk and sanguine picto- 
graph on the safety drop), the fine frank fairhaired fellow of the 
fairytales, who wrestles for tophole with the bold bad bleak boy 
Glugg, geminally about caps or puds or tog bags or bog gats or 
chuting rudskin gunerally or something, until they adumbrace a 
pattern of somebody else or other, after which they are both car- 
ried oflF the set and brought home to be well soaped, sponged and 
scrubbed again by 

ANN (Miss Corrie Corriendo, Grischun scoula, bring the babes, 
Pieder, Poder and Turtey, she mistributes mandamus monies, 
after perdunamento, hendrud aloven entrees, pulcinellis must not 
miss our national rooster's rag), their poor little old mother-in- 
lieu, who is woman of the house, playing opposite to 

HUMP (Mr Makeall Gone, read the sayings from Laxdalesaga 
in the programme about King Ericus of Schweden and the spirit's 
whispers in his magical helmet), cap-a-pipe with watch and top- 
per, coat, crest and supporters, the cause of all our grievances, 
the whirl, the flash and the trouble, who, having partially re- 
covered from a recent impeachment due to egg everlasting, but 
throughandthoroughly proconverted, propounded for cyclo- 
logical, is, studding sail once more, jibsheets and royals, in the 
semblance of the substance for the membrance of the umbrance 
with the remnance of the emblence reveiling a quemdam super- 
cargo, of The Rockery, Poopinheavin, engaged in entertaining 
in his pilgrimst customhouse at Caherlehome-upon-Eskur those 
statutory persons 

220 



THE CUSTOMERS (Components of the Afterhour Courses at St. 
Patricius' Academy for Grownup Gentlemen, consult the annu- 
ary, coldporters sibsuction), a bundle of a dozen of representa- 
tive locomotive civics, each inn quest of outings, who are still ^ / sa^- 
more sloppily served after every cup final by 

SAUNDERSON (Mr Kuut Oelsvinger, Tiffsdays off, wouldntstop 
in bad, imitation of flatfish, torchbearing supperaape, dud half- ^/ct^'* ^ 
sovereign, no chee daily, roily pollsies. Glen of the Downs, the 
Gugnir, his geyswerks, his earsequack, his lokistroki, o.s.v.), a 
scherinsheiner and spoilcurate, unconcerned in the mystery but 
under the inflounce of the milldieuw and butt of 

KATE (Miss Rachel Lea Varian, she tells forkings for baschfel- 
lors, under purdah of card palmer teaput tosspot Madam d'Elta, 
during the pawses), kook-and-dishdrudge, whitch believes wan- 
thingthats, whouse be the churchyard or whorts up the aasgaars, 
the show must go on. 

Time: the pressant. r 

With futurist onehorse balletbattle pictures and the Pageant 
of Past History worked up with animal variations amid ever- t-^^ 
glaning mangrovemazes and beorbtracktors by Messrs Thud and 
Blunder. Shadows by the film folk, masses by the good people. 
Promptings by Elanio Vitale. Longshots, upcloses, outblacks and i < I - ^ . ' 
stagetolets by Hexenschuss, Coachmaher, Incubone and Rock- 
narrag. Creations tastefully designed by Madame Berthe Dela- 
mode. Dances arranged by Harley Quinn and Coollimbeina. 
Jests, jokes, jigs and jorums for the Wake lent from the properties 
of the late cemented Mr T. M. Finnegan R.I.C. Lipmasks and 
hairwigs by Ouida Nooikke. Limes and Floods by Crooker and 
Toll. Kopay pibe by Kappa Pedersen. Hoed Pine hat with 
twentyfour ventholes by Morgen. Bosse and stringbag from 
Heteroditheroe's and All Ladies' presents. Tree taken for grafted. 
Rock rent. Phenecian blends and Sourdanian doofpoosts by 
Shauvesourishe and Wohntbedarft. The oakmulberryeke with 
silktrick twomesh from Shop-Sowry, seedsmanchap. Grabstone 
beg from General Orders Mailed. The crack (that's Cork!) by 
a smoker from the gods. The interjection (Buckley!) by the fire- 



221 , 



ment in the pit. Accidental music providentially arranged by 
L'Archet and Laccorde. Melodiotiosities in purefusion by the 
score. To start with in the beginning, we need hirtly bemark, 
a community prayer, everyone for himself, and to conclude 
with as an exodus, we think it well to add, a chorale in canon, 
good for us all for us all us all all. Songs betune the acts by 
the ambiamphions of Annapolis, Joan MockComic, male so- 
prano, and Jean Souslevin, bass noble, respectively: O, Mester 
Sogermon, ef thes es whot ye deux, then I'm not surpleased ye 
want that bottle of Sauvequipeu and Oh Off Nunch Der Rasche 
Ver Lasse Mitsch Nitscht. Till the summit scenes of climbacks 
castastrophear. The Bearded Mountain (Polymop Barethe- 
rootsch), and The River Romps to Nursery (Maidykins in Undi- 
form). The whole thugogmagog, including the portions under- 
stood to be oddmitted as the results of the respective titulars 
neglecting to produce themselves, to be wound up for an after- 
enactment by a Magnificent Transformation Scene showing the 
Radium Wedding of Neid and Moorning and the Dawn of 
Peace, Pure, Perfect and Perpetual, Waking the Weary of the 
World. 

An argument follows. 

Chuffy was a nangel then and his soard fleshed light like like- 
ning. Fools top! Singty, sangty, meekly loose, defendy nous from 
prowlabouts. Make a shine on the curst. Emen. 

But the duvlin sulph was in Glugger, that lost-to-lurning. 
Punct. He was sbufiing and sputing, tussing like anisine, whip- 
ping his eyesoult and gnatsching his teats over the brividies from 
existers and the outher liubbocks of life. He halth kelchy chosen 
a clayblade and makes prayses to his three of clubs. To part from 
these, my corsets, is into overlusting fear. Acts of feet, hoof and 
jarrety: athletes longfoot. Djowl, uphere! 

Aminxt that nombre of evelings, but how pierceful in their so- 
jestiveness were those first girly stirs, with zitterings of flight re- 
leased and twinglings of twitchbells in rondel after, with waver- 
ings that made shimmershake rather naightily all the duskcended 
airs and shylit beaconings from shehind hims back. Sammy, call 

222 



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on. Mirrylamb, she was shuffering all the diseasinesses of the un- 

herd of. Mary Louisan Shousapinas ! If Arck could no more salve 

his agnols from the wiles of willy wooly woolf ! If all the airish 

signics of her dipandump helpabit from an Father Hogam till 

the Mutther Masons could not that Glugg to catch her by the 

calour of her brideness! Not Rose, Sevilla nor Citronelle; not 

Esmeralde, Pervinca nor Indra; not Viola even nor all of them ^ .^yV ^^i-*^ 

four themes over. But, the rnqnthage stick in the melmelode jawr, A^^^^^^^v'^ 

I am (twintomine) all thees thing. Up tighty in the front, down 

again on the loose, drim and drumming on her back and a pop 

from her whistle. What is that, O holy troopers.^ Isot givin yoe? 

Up he stulpled, glee you gees, with search a fling did die near 
sea, beamy owen and calmy hugh and if you what you my call for 
me I will wishyoumaycull for you. 

And they are met, face a facing. They are set, force to force. 
And no such Copenhague-Marengo was less so fated for a fall 
since in Glenasmole of Smiling Thrushes Patch Whyte passed 
O 'Sheen ascowl. 

Arrest thee, scaldbrother ! came the evangelion, sabre accu- 
sant, from all Sairit Joan's Wood to kill or maim him, and be / 
dumm but ill s'arrested. Et would proffer to his delected one the 
his trifle from the grass. 

A space. W^ho are you.'^ The cat's mother. A time. What do 
you lack.^ The look of a queen. 

But what is that which is one going to prehend.'^ Seeks, buzzling 
is brains, the feinder. 

The howtosayto itiswhatis hemustwhomust worden schall. 
A darktongues, kunning. O theoperil! Ethiaop lore, the poor lie. k -^ ^ ^ ' 
He askit of the hoothed fireshield but it was untergone into the 
matthued heaven. He soughed it from the luft but that bore ne il ' 
mark ne message. He luked upon the bloomingrund where ongly 
his corns were growning. At last he listed back to beckline how 
she^ranked alone_so johntily. The skand for schooling. M ^ 

With nought a wired from the wordless either. 

Item. He was hardset then. He wented to go (somewhere) while 
he was weeting. Utem. He wished to grieve on the good persons, that 

223 



is the four gentlemen. Otem. And it was not a long time till he was 
feeling true forim he was goodda purssia and it was short after that 
he was fooling mehaunt to mehynte he was an injine ruber. Etem. 
He was at his thinker's aunts to give (the four gentlemen) the 
presence (of a curpse). And this is what he would be willing. He 
fould the fourd; they found the hurtled stones; they fell ill with the 
gravy duck: and he sod town with the roust of the meast. Atem. 
Towhere byhangs ourtales. 

Ah ho! This poor Glugg! It was so said of him about of his old 
fontmouther. Truly deplurabel! Adire, Odire! And all the freight- 
fullness whom he inhebited after his colline born janitor. Some- 
time towerable ! With that hehry antlets on him and the bauble- 
light bulching out of his sockets whiling away she sprankled his 
allover with her noces of interregnation: How do you do that lack 
a lock and pass the poker, please.'^ And bids him tend her, lute 
and airly. Sing, sweetharp, thing to me anone! So that Glugg, 
^<'/ the poor one, in that limbopool which was his subnesciousness 

L [P^ he could scares of all knotknow whither his morrder had bourst 
a blabber or if the vogalstones that hit his tynpan was that mearly 
his skoll missed her. Misty's trompe or midst his flooting.^ Ah, 
ho! Cicely, awe! 

The youngly delightsome frilles-in-pleyurs are now showen 
drawen, if bud one, or, if in florileague, drawens up consociately 
at the hinder sight of their commoner guardian. Her boy fiend or 
theirs, if they are so plurielled, cometh up as a trapadour, sinking 
how he must fand for himself by gazework what their colours 
wear as they are all showen drawens up. Tireton, cacheton, tire- 
ton, ba! Doth that not satisfy youth, sir.'^ Quanty purty bellas, 
here, Madama Lifay! And what are you going to charm them to, 
Madama, do say.^ Cinderynelly angled her slipper; it was cho 
cliiny yet braught her a groom. He will angskt of them from their 
commoner guardian at next lineup (who is really the rapier of the 
two though tliother brother can hold his own, especially for he 
bandished it with his hand the hold time, mamain, a simply gra- 
cious: Mi, O la!), and reloose that thong off his art: Hast thou feel 
liked carbunckley ones? Apun which his poohoor pricoxity theirs 

224 



■ 

L 



is a little tittertit of hilarity (Lad-o'-me-soul I Lad-o'-me-soul, 
see!) and the wordchary is atvoiced ringsoundinly by their toots 
ensembled, though not meaning to be clever, but just with a shrug 
of their hips to go to troy and harff a freak at himself by all that 
story to the ulstramarines. Otherwised, holding their noises, 
they insinuate quiet private, Ni, he make peace in his preaches 
and play with esteem. 
Warewolff! Olff! Toboo! 

So olff for his topheetuck the ruck made raid, aslick aslegs 
would run; and he ankered on his hunkers with the belly belly 
prest. Asking: What's my muffinstuffinaches for these times? To 
weat: Breath and bother and whatarcurss. Then breath more 
bother and more whatarcurss. Then no breath no bother but wor- , 
rawarrawurms. And Shim shallave shome. f^-^ m </%'^-^ i^^^ 

As Rigagnolina to Mountagnone, what she meaned he could 
not can. All she meaned was golten sylvup, all she meaned was 
some Knight's ploung jamn. It's driving her dafFt like he's so 
dumnb. If he'd lonely talk instead of only gawk as thought yate- 
man hat stuck hits stick althrough his spokes and if he woold nut 
wolly so! Hee. Speak, sweety bird! Mitzymitzy! Though I did 
ate tough turf I'm not the bogdoxy. 

— Have you monbreamstone? 

— No. 

— Or Hellfeuersteyn? 

— No. 

— Or Van Diemen's coral pearl? 

— No. 

He has lost. 

Off to clutch, Glugg! Forwhat! Shape your reres, Glugg! /'^ -^^^ 
Foreweal! Ring we round. Chuff! Fairwell! Chuffchuff's inners - f/. , 
even. All's rice with their whorl! 

Yet, ah tears, who can her mater be? She's promised he'd eye 
her. To try up her pretti. But now it's so longed and so fared and 
so forth. Jerry for jauntings. Alabye! Fled. 

The flossies all and mossies all they drooped upon her draped 
brimfall. The bowknots, the showlots, they wilted into woeblots. 

225 



The pearlagraph, the pearlagraph, knew whitchly whether to weep 
or laugh. For always down in Carolinas lovely Dinahs vaunt their 
view. 

Poor Isa sits a glooming so gleaming in the gloaming; the tin- 
celles a touch tarnished wind no lovelinoise awound her swan's. 
Hey, lass! Woefear gleam she so glooming, this pooripathete I 
solde? Her beauman's gone of a cool. Be good enough to symper- 
ise. If he's at anywhere she's therefor to join him. If it's to no- 
where she's going to too. Buf if he'll go to be a son to France's 
she'll stay daughter of Clare. Bring tansy, throw myrtle, strew 
rue, rue, rue. She is fading out like Journee's clothes so you can't 
see her now. Still we know how Day the Dyer works, in dims 
and deeps and dusks and darks. And among the shades that Eve's 
now wearing she'll meet anew fiancy, tryst and trow. Mammy 
was, Mimmy is, Minuscoline's to be. In the Dee dips a dame and 
the dame desires a demselle but the demselle dresses dolly and 
the dolly does a dulcydamble. The same renew. For though 
she's unmerried she'll after truss up and help that hussyband how 
to hop. Hip it and trip it and chirrub and sing. Lord Chuffy's sky 
sheraph and Glugg's got to swing. 

So and so, toe by toe, to and fro they go round, for they are the 
ingelles, scattering nods as girls who may, for they are an angel's 
garland. 

Catchmire stockings, libertyed garters, shoddyshoes, quicked 
out with selver. Pennyfair caps on pinnyfore frocks and a ring on 
her fomefing finger. And they leap so looply, looply, as they link 
to light. And they look so loovely, loovelit, noosed in a nuptious 
night. Withasly glints in. Andecoy giants out. They ramp it a 
little, a lessle, a lissle. Then rompride round in rout. 

Say them all but tell them apart, cadenzando coloratura! R is 
Rubretta and A is Arancia, Y is for Yilla and N for greeneriN. B 
is Boyblue with odalisque O while W waters the fleurettes of no- 
vembrance. Though they're all but merely a schoolgirl yet these 
way went they. I' th' view o' th'avignue dancing goes entrancing 
roundly. Miss Oodles of Anems before the Luvium doeslike. So. 
And then again doeslike. So. And miss Endles of Eons efter Dies 

226 



of Eirae doeslike. So. And then again doeslike. So. The many 
wiles of Winsure. 

The grocer's bawd she slips her hand in the haricot bag, the 
lady in waiting sips her sup from the paraffin can, Mrs Wildhare 
Quickdoctor belts her skelts up the casuaway the flasht instinct 
she herds if a tinkle of tunder, the widow Megrievy she knits cats' 
cradles, this bountiful actress leashes a harrier under her tongue, 
and here's the girl who she's kneeled in coldfashion and she's told 
her priest (spt!) she's pot on a chap (chp!) and this lass not least, 
this rickissime woman, who she writes foot fortunes money times 
over in the nursery dust with her capital thumb. Buzz. All run- 
away sheep bound back bopeep, trailing their teenes behind 
them. And these ways wend they. And those ways went they. 
Winnie, Olive and Beatrice, Nelly and Ida, Amy and Rue. Here 
they come back, all the gay pack, for they are the florals, from 
foncey and pansey to papavere's blush, foresake-me-nought, 
while there's leaf there's hope, with primtim's ruse and marry- 
may's blossom, all the flowers of the ancelles' garden. 

But vicereversing thereout from those palms of perfection to 
anger arbour, treerack monatan, scroucely out of scout of ocean, 
virid with woad, what tornaments of complementary rages rocked 
the divlun from his punchpoll to his tummy's shentre as he dis- 
plaid all the oathword science of his visible disgrace. He was 
feeling so funny and floored for the cue, all over which girls as 
he don't know whose hue. If goosseys gazious would but fain 
smile him a smile he would be fondling a praise he ate some nice 
bit of fluff". But no geste reveals the unconnouth. They're all 
odds against him, the beasties. Scratch. Start. 

He dove his head into Wat Murrey, gave Stewart Ryall a puck 
on the plexus, wrestled a hurry-come-union with the Gillie Beg, 
wiped all his sinses, martial and menial, out of Shrove Sundy 
MacFearsome, excremuncted as freely as any frothblower into 
Maclsaac, had a belting bout, chaste to chaste, with McAdoo 
about nothing and, childhood's age being aye the shameleast, tel 
a Tartaran tastarin toothsome tarrascone tourtoun, vestimentiv- 
orous chlamydophagian, imbretellated himself for any time un- 

227 



tellable with what hung over to the Machonochie Middle from 
the MacSiccaries of the Breeks. Home! 

Allwhile, moush missuies from mungy monsie, preying in 
his mind, son of Everallin, within himself, he swure. Macnoon 
maggoty mag! Cross of a coppersmith bishop! He would split. 
He do big squeal like holy Trichepatte. Seek hells where from 
yank islanders the petriote's absolation. Mocknitza! Genik! He 
take skiff come first dagrene day overwide tumbler, rough and 
dark, till when bow of the shower show of the bower with three 
shirts and a wind, pagoda permettant, crookolevante, the bruce, 
the coriolano and the ignacio. From prudals to the secular but 
from the cumman to the nowter. Byebye, Brassolis, Pm breaving! 
Our war, Dully Gray! A conansdream of lodascircles, he here 
schlucefinis. Gelchasser no more! Mischnary for the minestrary 
to all the sems of Aram. Shimach, eon of Era. Mum's for's 
maxim, ban's for's book and Dodgesome Dora for hedgehung 
sheolmastress. And Unkel Silanse coach in diligence. Discon- 
nection of the succeeding. He wholehog himself for carberry 
banishment care of Pencylmania, Bretish Armerica, to melt Mrs 
Gloria of the Bunkers' Trust, recorporated, (prunty!) by meteo- 
romancy and linguified heissrohgin, quit to hail a hurry laracor 
and catch the Paname-Turricum and regain that absendee tarry 
easty, his citta immediata, by an alley and detour with farecard 
awailable getrennty years. Right for Rovy the Roder. From the 
safe side of distance! Libera, nostalgia! Beate Laurentie O'Tuli, 
Euro pra nobis! Every monk his own cashel where every little 
ligger is his own liogotenente with inclined jambs in full purview 
to his pronaose and to the deretane at his reredoss. Fuisfinister, 
fuyerescaper! He would, with the greatest of ease, before of 
weighting midhook, by dear home trashold on the raging canal, 
for othersites of Jorden, (heave a hevy, waterboy!) make one 
of hissens with a knockonacow and a chow collegions and fire 
off, gheol ghiomal, foull subustioned mullmud, his farced epistol 
to the hibruws. From Cernilius slomtime prepositus of Toumaria 
to the clutch in Anteach. Salvo! Ladigs and jointuremen! No more 
turdenskaulds! Free leaves for ebribadies! All tinsammon in the 

228 



1 



r 




yord! With harm and aches till farther alters! Wild primates not 
stop him frem at rearing a writing in handy antics. Nom de 
plume/ Gout strap Fenlanns! And send Jarge for Mary Ink- 
lenders! And daunt you logh if his vineshanky's schwemmy! 
For he is the general, make no mistake in he. He is General 
Jinglesome. 

Go in for scnbenery with the satiety of arthurs in S.P.Q.R.ish 
and inform to the old sniggering publicking press and its nation 
of sheepcojpers about the whole plighty troth between them, ma- 
lady of milady made melodi of malodi, she, the lalage of lyon- 
esses, and him, her knave arrant. To Wildrose La Gilligan from 
Croppy Crowhore. For all within crystal range. 

Ukalepe. Loathers' leave. Had Days. Nemo in Patria. The 
Luncher Out. Skilly and Carubdish. A Wondering Wreck. From 
the Mermaids' Tavern. Bullyfamous. Naughtsycalves. Mother of 
Misery. Walpurgas Nackt. 

Maleesh! He would bare to un tired world of Leimunconon- 
nulstria (and what a strip poker globbtrottel they pairs would 
looks!) how wholefallows, his gufFer, the Sabbatarian (might 
faction split his beard!), he too had a great big oh in the 
megafundum of his tomashunders and how her Lettyshape, his 
gummer, that congealed sponsar, she had never cessed at waking 
makers among the jemassons since the cluft that meataxe delt 
her made her microchasm as gap as down low. So they fished 
in the kettle and fought free and if she bit his tailibout all hat 
tiffin for thea. He would jused sit it all write down just as he 
would jused set it up all writhefully rate in blotch and void, 
yielding to no man in hymns ignorance, seeing how heartsilly 
sorey he was, owning to the condrition of his bikestool. And, 
reading off his fleshskin and writing with his quillbone, fillfull 
ninequires with it for his auditers, Caxton and Pollock, a most 
moraculous jeeremyhead sindbook for all the peoples, under the 
presidency of the suchess of sceaunonsceau, a hadtobe heldin, 
thoroughly enjoyed by many so meny on block at Boyrut season 
and for their account ottorly admired by her husband in sole in- 
timacy, about whose told his innersense and the grusomehed's 

229 



yoeureeke of his spectrescope and why he was off colour and how 
he was ambodied upon by the very spit of himself, first on the 
cheekside by Michelangelo and, besouns thats, over on the owld 
jowly side by Bill C. Babby, and the suburb's formule why they 
provencials drollo eggspilled him out of his homety dometry nar- 
rowedknee domum (osco de basco de pesco de bisco!) because 
all his creature comfort was an omulette finas erbas in an ark finis 
orbe and, no master how mustered, mind never mend, he could 
neither swuck in nonneither swimp in the flood of cecialism and 
the best and schortest way of blacking out a caughtalock of all 
the sorrors of Sexton until he would accoster her coume il fou in 
teto-dous as a wagoner would his mudheeldy wheesindonk at 
their trist in Parisise after tourments of tosend years, bread cast 
out on waters, making goods at mutuurity, Mondamoiseau of 
Casanuova and Mademoisselle from Armentieres. Neblonovi's 
Nivonovio! Nobbio and Nuby in ennoviacion! Occitantitempoli ! 
He would si through severalls of sanctuaries maywhatmay might- 
whomight so as to meet somewhere, if produced, on a demi pans- 
sion for his whole lofetime, payment in goo to slee music and 
poisonal comfany, following which, like Ipsey Secumbe, when he 
fingon to foil the fluter, she could have all the g. s. M. she moo- 
hooed after fore and rickwards to herslF, including science of 
sonorous silence, while he, being brung up on soul butter, have 
recourse of course to poetry. With tears for his coronaichon, 
such as engines weep. Was liffe worth leaving.'^ Nej ! 

Tholedoth, treetrene! Zokrahsing, stone! Arty, reminiscen- 
sitive, at bandstand finale on grand carriero, dreaming largesse 
of lifesighs over early lived offs — all old Sators of the Sowsceptre 
highly nutritius family histrionic, genitricksling with Avus and 
Avia, that simple pair, and descendant down on veloutypads by a 
vuncular process to Nurus and Noverca, those notorious nepotists, 
circumpictified in their sobrine census, patriss all of them by the 
glos on their germane faces and their socerine eyes like transparents 
of vitricus, patruuts to a man, the archimade levirs of his ekonome 
world. Remember thee, castle throwen.'^ Ones propsperups treed, 
now stohong baroque. And oil paint use a pumme if yell trace 

230 



me there title to where was a hovel not a havel (the first rattle of 
his juniverse) with a tingtumtingling and a next, next and next 
(gin a paddy? got a petty? gussies, gif it ope?), while itch ish 
shome. 

— My Gody alas, that dear olt tumtum home 

Whereof in youthfood port I preyed 

Amook the verdigrassy convict vallsall da\es. 

And cloitered for amourmeant in thy hoosome shede! 

His mouthfull of ecstasy (for Shing- Yung-Thing in Shina from 
Yoruyume across the Timor Sea), herepong (malad venture!) shot 
pinging up through the errorooth of his wisdom (who thought 
him a Fonar all, feastking of shellies by googling Lovvey, regally 
freytherem, eagelly plumed, and wasbut gumboil owrithy prods 
wretched some horsery megee plods coffin acid odarkery pluds 
dense floppens mugurdy) as thought it had been zawhen intwo. 
Wholly sanguish blooded up disconvulsing the fixtures of his 
fizz. Apang which his tempory chewer med him a crazy chump 
of a Haveajube Sillayass. Joshua Croesus, son of Nunn! Though 
he shall live for millions of years a life of billions of years, from 
their roseaced glows to their violast lustres, he shall not forget 
that pucking Pugases. Holihowlsballs and bloody acres! Like 
gnawthing unheardth! 

But, by Jove Chronides, Seed of Summ, after at he had bate 
his breastplates for, forforget, forforgetting his birdsplace, it was 
soon that, that he, that he rehad himself. By a prayer? No, that 
comes later. By contrite attrition? Nay, that we passed. Mid 
esercizism? So is richt. 

And it was so. And Malthos Moramor resumed his soul. With: 
Go Ferchios off to Allad out of this! An oldsteinsong. He threwed 
his fit up to his aers, rolled his poligone eyes, snivelled from his 
snose and blew the guff out of his hornypipe. The hopjoimt jerk 
of a ladle broom jig that he learned in locofoco when a redhot 
turnspite he. Under reign of old Roastin the Bowl Ratskillers, 
readyos! Why was that man for he's doin her wrong! Lookery 
looks, how he's knots in his entrails! Mookery mooks, it's a 
grippe of his gripes. Seekeryseeks, why his biting he's head off? 

231 



Cokerycokes, it's his spurt of coal. And may his tarpitch dilute 
not give him chromitis ! For the mauwe that blinks you blank is 
mostly Carbo. Where the inflammabilis might pursuive his com- 
burenda with a pure flame and a true flame and a flame all too- 
gasser, soot. The worst is over. Wait! And the dubuny Mag may 
gang to preesses. With Dinny Finneen, me canty, ho! In the lost 
of the gleamens. Sousymoust. For he would himself deal a treat- 
ment as might be trusted in anticipation of his inculmination unto 
fructification for the major operation. When (pip!) a message 
interfering intermitting interskips from them (pet!) on herzian 
waves, (call her venicey names! call her a stell!) a butterfly from 
her zipclasped handbag, a wounded dove astarted from, escaping 
out her forecotes. Isle wail for yews, O doherlynt! The poetesser. 
And around its scorched cap she has twilled a twine of flame to 
let the laitiest know she's marrid. And pim it goes backballed. Tot 
burns it so leste. A claribel cumbeck to errind. Hers before his 
even, posted ere penned. He's your change, thinkyou methim. 
Go daft noon, madden, mind the step. Please stoop O to please. 
Stop. What saying.'^ I have soreunder from to him now, dear- 
mate ashore, so, so compleasely till I can get redressed, which 
means the end of my stays in the languish of Tintangle. Is you 
zealous of mes, brother.'^ Did you boo moiety lowd.^ You sup- 
poted to be the on conditiously rejected.'^ Satanly, lade! Can that 
sobstufl", whingeywilly! Stop up, mavrone, and sit in my lap, 
Pepette, though I'd much rather not. Like things are m. ds. is all 
in vincibles. Decoded. 

Now a^run for his money! Now a dash to her dot! Old cocker, 
young crowy, sifadda, sosson. A bran new, speedhount, out- 
stripperous on the wind. Like a waft to wingweary one or a sos 
to a coastguard. For directly with his whoop, stop and an upa- 
lepsy didando a tishy, in appreciable less time than it takes a 
glaciator to submerger an Atlangthis, was he again, agob, before 
the trembly ones, a spark's gap ofl", doubledasguesched, gotten 
orlop in a simplasailormade and shaking the storm out of his 
hiccups. The smartest vessel you could find would elazilee him 
on her knee as her lucky for the Rio Grande. He's a pigtail tarr 

232 



) 

I 



ii 




j 

i 



and if he hadn't got it toothick he'd a telltale tall of his pitcher 
on a wall with his photure in the papers for cutting moutonlegs 
and capers, letting on he'd jest be japers and his tail cooked up. 
Goal! It's one by its length. 

Angelinas, hide from light those hues that your sin beau may 
bring to light! Though down to your dowerstrip he's bent to 
knee he maun't know ledgings here. 

For a haunting way will go and you need not make your mow. 
Find the frenge for frocks and translace it into shocks of such as 
touch with show and show. 

He is guessing at hers for all he is worse, the seagoer. Hark to 
his wily geeses goosling by, and playfair, lady ! And note that they 
who will for exile say can for dog while them that won't leave 
ingle end says now for know. 

For he faulters how he hates to trouble them without. 

But leaving codhead's mitre and the heron's plumes sinistrant 
to the server of servants and rex of regums and making a bolder- 
dash for lubberty of speech he asks not have you seen a match 
being struck nor is this powder mine but, letting punplays pass 
to ernest: 

— Haps thee jaoneofergs.'^ 

— Nao. 

— Haps thee mayj aunties.'^ 

— Naohao. 

— Haps thee per causes nunsibellies.'^ 

— Naohaohao. 

— Asky, asky, asky! Gau on! Micaco! Get! 
Ping an ping nwan ping pwan pong. 

And he did a get, their anayance, and slink his hook away, 
aleguere come alaguerre, like a chimista inchamisas, whom the 
harricana hurries and hots foots, zingo, zango, segur. To hoots 
of utskut, urqurd, jamal, qum, yallah, yawash, yak! For he could 
ciappacioppachew upon a skarp snakk of pure undefallen engelsk, 
melanmoon or tartatortoise, tsukisaki or soppisuppon, as raskly 
and as baskly as your cheesechalk cow cudd spanich. Makoto! 
Whagta kriowday! Gelagala nausy is. Yet right divining do not 

233 



was. Hovobovo hafogate hokidimatzi in kamicha! He had his 
sperrits all foulen on him; to vet, most griposly, he was bedizzled 
and debuzzled; he had his tristiest cabaleer on; and looked like 
bruddy Hal. A shelling a cockshy and be donkey shot at.'* Or a 
peso besant to join the armada.'^ 

But, Sin Showpanza, could anybroddy which walked this world 
with eyes whiteopen have looked twinsorner than the kerl he left 
behind him.^ Candidatus, viridosus, aurilucens, sinelab? Of all 
the green heroes everwore coton breiches, the whitemost, the 
goldenest! How he stud theirs with himselfs mookst kevinly, and 
that anterevolitionary, the churchman childfather from tonsor's 
tuft to almonder's toes, a haggiography in duotrigesumy, son 
soptimost of sire sixtusks, of Mayaqueenies sign osure, hevnly 
buddhy time, inwreathed of his near cissies, a mickly dazzly eely 
oily with looiscurrals, a soulnetzer by zvesdals priestessd, their 
trail the tractive, and dem dandypanies knows de play of de eye- 
lids, with his gamecox spurts and his smile likequid glue (the 
suessiest sourir ever weanling wore), whiles his host of spritties, 
lusspillerindernees, they went peahenning a ripidarapidarpad 
around him, pilgrim prinkips, kerilour kevinour, in neuchoristic 
congressulations, quite purringly excited, rpdrpd, allauding to 
him by all the licknames in the litany with the terms in which 
no little dulsy nayer ever thinks about implying except to her 
future's year and sending him perfume most praypuffs to setis- 
fire more then to teasim (shllwe help, now youVe massmuled, 
you t'rigolect a bit.'^ yismik.'^ yimissy.'^) that he, the finehued, the 
fairhailed, the farahead, might bouchesave unto each but every- 
one, asfar as safras durst assune, the havemercyonhurs of his 
kissier licence. Meanings: Andure the enjurious till imbetther rer. 
We know you like Latin with essies impures, (and your liber as 
they sea) we certney like gurgles love the nargleygargley so, arrah- 
beejee, tell that old frankay boyuk to bellows upthe tombucky in 
his tumtum argan and give us a gust of his gushy old. Goof! 

Hyrnnumber twentynine. O, the singing! Happy little girly- 
cums to have adolphted such an Adelphus! O, the swinginging 
hopops so goholden! They've come to chant en chor. They say 

234 



I 




their salat, the madiens' prayer to the messiager of His Nabis, 
prostitating their selfs eachwise and combinedly. Fateha, fold the 
hands. Be it honoured, bow the head. May thine evings e'en be 
blossful! Even of bliss! As we so hope for ablution. For the sake 
of the farbung and of the scent and of the holiodrops. Amems. 

A pause. Their orison arises misquewhite as Osman glory, ebb- 
ing wasteward, leaves to the soul of light its fading silence (allah- 
lah lahlah lah!), a turquewashed sky. Then: 

— Xanthos! Xanthos! Xanthos! We thank to thine, mighty 
innocent, that diddest bring it off fuitefuite. Should in ofter years 
it became about you will after desk jobduty becoming a bank mid- 
land mansioner we and I shall reside with our obeisant servants 
among Burke's mobility at La Roseraie, Ailesbury Road. Red 
bricks are alUiellishly good values if you trust to the roster of ads 
but we!Il„sayejup qurselve and nab what's nicest and boskiest of 
timber trees in the nebohood. Oncaill's plot. Luccombe oaks, 
Turkish hazels, Greek firs, incense palm edcedras. The hypso- 
meters of Mount Anville is held to be dying out of arthataxis but, 
praise send Larix U' Thule, the wych elm of Manelagh is still 
flourishing in the open, because its native of our nature and the 
seeds was sent by Fortune. We'll have our private palypeachum 
pillarposterns for lovesick letterines fondly affianxed to our front 
railings and swings, hammocks, tighttaught balletlines, accomoda- 
tionnooks and prismic bathboites, to make Envyeyes mouth 
water and wonder when they binocular us from their embrassured 
windows in our garden rare. Fyat-Fyat shall be our number 
on the autokinaton and Chubby in his Chuffs oursforownly 
chuffeur. T will be waiting for uns as I sold U at the first antries. 
Our cousin gourmand, Percy, the pup, will denounce the sniff- 
nomers of all callers where among our Seemyease Sister, Tabitha, 
the ninelived, will extend to the full her hearthy welcome. While 
the turf and twigs they tattle. Tintin tintin. Lady Marmela Short- 
bred will walk in for supper with her marchpane switch on, her 
necklace of almonds and her poirette Sundae dress with bracelets 
of honey and her cochineal hose with the caramel dancings, the 
briskly best from Bootiestown, and her suckingstaff of ivory- 

235 



mint. You mustn't miss it or you'll be sorry. Charmeuses chloes, 
glycering juwells, lydialight fans and puffumed cynarettes. And 
the Prince Le Monade has been graciously pleased. His six choco- 
late pages will run bugling before him and Cococream toddle 
after with his sticksword in a pink cushion. We think His Spark- 
ling Headiness ought to know Lady Marmela. Luisome his for 
lissome hers. He's not going to Cork till Cantalamesse or may- 
hope till Rose Easter or Saint Tibbie's Day. So Niomon knows. 
The Fomor's in his Fin, the Momor's her and hin. A paaralone ! 
A paaralone! And Dublin's all adin. We'll sing a song of Single- 
month and you'll too and you'll. Here are notes. There's the key. 
One two three. Chours ! So come on, ye wealthy gentrymen wib- 
frufrocksfull of fun! Thin thin! Thin thin! Thej oily and thel 
ively, thou billy with thee coo, for to jog a jig of a crispness nice 
and sing a missal too. Hip champouree! Hiphip champouree! O 
you longtailed blackman, polk it up behind me ! Hip champouree ! 
Hiphip champouree! And, jessies, push the pumkik round. Anne- 
liuia! 

Since the days of Roamaloose and Rehmoose the pavanos have 
been strident through their struts of Chapelldiseut, the vaulsies 
have meed and youdled through the purly ooze of Ballybough, 
many a mismy cloudy has tripped taintily along that hercourt 
strayed reelway and the rigadoons have held ragtimed revels on 
the platauplain of Grangegorman; and, though since then ster- 
lings and guineas have been replaced by brooks and lions and 
some progress has been made on stilts and the races have come 
and gone and Thyme, that chef of seasoners, has made his usual 
astewte use of endadjustables and whatnot willbe isnor was, those 
danceadeils and cancanzanies have come stimmering down for our 
begayment through the bedeafdom of po's taeorns, the obcecity 
of pa's teapucs, as lithe and limbfree limber as when momie 
mummed at ma. 

Just so stylled with the nattes are their flowerheads now and 
each of all has a lovestalk onto herself and the tot of all the tits of 
their understamens is as open as he can posably she and is toume- 
soled straightcut or sidewaist, accourdant to the coursets of 

236 



things feminite, towooerds him in heliolatry, so they may catch- 
cup in their calyzettes, alls they go troping, those parryshoots 
from his muscalone pistil, for he can eyespy through them, to 
their selfcolours, nevertheleast their tissue peepers, (meaning 
Mullabury mesh, the time of appling flowers, a guarded figure 
of speech, a variety of perfume, a bridawl, seamist inso one) as 
leichdy as see saw (O my goodmiss! O my greatmess! O my 
prizelestly preshoes!) while, dewyfully as dimb dumbelles, all 
alisten to his elixir. Lovelyt! 
And they said to him: 

— Enchainted, dear sweet Stainusless, young confessor, dearer ;h 
dearest, we herehear, aboutobloss, O coelicola, thee salutamt. P 
Pattern of our unschoold, paggsBtmaster, deE^^exer of softmis- 
sives, round the world in fpriy^mails, bag, belt and balmybeam, 
our barnaboy, our chepachap, with that pampipe in your put- 
away, gab borab, when you will be after doing all your sight- 
seeing and soundhearing and smellsniffing and tastytasting and 
tenderumstouchings in all Daneygaul, send us, your adorables, 
thou overblaseed, ajwise and letters play of all you can ceive, 
chief celtech chappy, from yom:, holy post now you hast as- 
certained ceremonially our names. Unclean you art not. Outcaste 
thou are not. Leperstower, the karman's loki, has not blanched 
at our goliutipn and your intercourse at ninety legsplits does not 
defile. Untouchable is not the scarecrown is on you. You are 
pure. You are pure. You are in your puerity. You have not 
brought stinking members into the house of Amanti. Elleb Inam, 
Titep Notep, we name them to the Hall of Honour. Your head 
has been touched by the god Enel-Rah and your face has been 
brightened by the goddess Aruc-Ituc. Return, sainted youngling, 
and walk once more among us ! The rains of Demani are masikal 
as of yere. And Baraza is all aflower. Siker of calmy days. As 
shiver as shower can be. Our breed and better class is in brood 
and bitter pass. Labbeycliath longs. But we're counting on the 
cluck. The Great Cackler comes again. Sweetstaker, Abel lord of 
all our haloease, we (to be slightly more femmiliar perhips than is 
slickly more then nacessory), toutes philomelas as well as mag- 

237 



delenes, were drawpairs with two pinmarks, BVD and BVD dot, 
so want lotteries of ticklets posthastem (you appreciate?) so as to 
be very dainty, if an isaspell, and so as to be verily dandydainty, 
if an ishibilley, of and on, to and for, by and with, from you. 
Let the hitback hurry his wayward ere the missive has time to 
take herself off, 'twill be o'erthemore willfully intomeet if the 
coming offence can send our shudders before. We feem to have 
being elfewhere as tho' th* had pafs'd in our fufpens. Next 
to our shrinking selves we love sensitivas best. For they are 
the Angles. Brick, fauve, jonquil, sprig, fleet, nocturne, smiling 
bruise. For they are an Angele's garment. We will be constant 
(what a word!) and bless the day, for whole hours too, yes, for 
sold long syne as we shall be being in our created being of ours 
elvishness, the day you befell, you dreadful temptation! Now 
promisus as at our requisted you will remain ignorant of all what 
you hear and, though if whilst disrobing to the edge of risk, (the 
bisifings in idolhours that satinfines tootoo !) draw a veil till we 
next time! You don't want to peach but bejimboed if ye do! 
Perhelps. We ernst too may. How many months or how many 
years till the myriadth and first become! Bashfulness be tupped! 
May he colp, may he colp her, may he mixandmass colp her! 
Talk with a hare and you wake of a tartars. That's mus. Says the 
Law. List! Kicky Lacey, the pervergined, and Bianca Mutantini, 
her conversa, drew their fools longth finnishfurst, Herzog van 
Vellentam, but me and meother ravin, my coosine of mine, have 
mour good three chancers, weothers, after Bohnaparts. The 
mything smile of me, my wholesole assumption, shes nowt me- 
without as weam twin herewithin, that I love like myselfish, like 
smithereens robinsongs, like juneses nutslost, like the blue of the 
sky if I stoop for to spy's between my whiteyoumightcallimbs. 
How their duel makes their triel! Eer's wax for Sur Soord, dong- 
dong bollets for the iris riflers, queemswellth of coocome in their 
combs for the jennyjos. Caro caressimus! Honey swarns where 
mellisponds. Will bee all buzzy one another minnies for the mere 
effect that you are so fuld of pollen yourself. Teomeo! Daurdour! 
We feel unspeechably thoughtless over it all here in Gizzygazelle 

238 



Tark's bimboowood so pleasekindly communicake with the 
original sinse we are only yearning as yet how to burgeon. It's 
meant milliems of centiments deadlost or mislaid on them but, 
master of snakes, we can sloughchange in the nip of a napple 
solongas we can allsee for deedsetton your quick. By the hook 
in your look we're eyed for aye were you begging the questuan 
with your lutean bowl round Monkmesserag. And whenever 
you're tingling in your trout we're sure to be tangled in our tice- 
ments. It's game, ma chere, be off with your shepherdress on! Up- 
some Cauda ! Behose our handmades for the lured ! To these nunce 
we are but yours in ammatures yet well come that day we shall ope 
to be ores. Then shalt thou see, seeing, the sight. No more hoax- 
ites! Nay more gifting in mennage! A her's fancy for a his friend 
and then that fellow yours after this follow ours. Vania, Vania 
Vaniorum, Domne Vanias! 

Hightime is ups be it down into outs according! When there 
shall be foods for vermin as full as feeds for the fett, eat on earth 
as there's hot in oven. When every Klitty of a scolderymeid shall 
hold every yardscullion's right to stimm her uprecht for whimso- 
ever, whether on privates, whather in publics. And when all us 
romance catholeens shall have ones for all amanseprated. And the 
world is maidfree. Methanks. So much for His Meignysthy man! 
And all his bigyttens. So till Coquette to tell Cockotte to teach 
Connie Curley to touch Cattie Hayre and tip Carminia to tap La 
Cherie though where the diggings he dwellst amongst us here's 
nobody knows save Mary. Whyfor we go ringing hands in hands 
in gyrogyrorondo. 

These bright elects, consentconsorted, they were waltzing up 
their willside with their princesome handsome angeline chiuff h ( 
while in those wherebus there wont bears way (mearing un- 5^ 
known, a place where pigeons carry fire to seethe viands, a miry 
hill, beige end sore footh) oaths and screams and bawley groans 
with a belchybubhub and a hellabelow bedemmed and bediabbled 
the arimaining lucisphere. Helldsdend, whelldselse! Lonedom's 
breach lay foulend up uncouth not be broched by punns and 
reedles. Yet the ring gayed rund rorosily with a drat for a brat 

239 



you. Yasha Yash ate sassage and mash. So he found he bash, poor 
Yasha Yash. And you wonna make one of our micknick party. 
No honaryhuest on our sposhialiste. For poor Glugger was dazed 
and late in his crave, ay he, laid in his grave. 

But low, boys low, he rises, shrivering, with his spittyful eyes 
and his whoozebecome woice. Ephthah! Cisamis! Examen of 
conscience scruples now he to the best of his memory schemado. 
Nu mere for ever siden on the stolen. With his tumescinquinance 
in the thight of his tumstuU. No more singing all the dags in 
his sengaggeng. Experssly at hand counterhand. Trinitatis kink 
had mudded his dome, peccat and pent fore, pree. Hymserf, 
munchaowl, maden, born of thug tribe into brood blackmail, dooly 
redecant allbigenesis henesies. He, by bletchendmacht of the golls, 
proforhim penance and come off entematural. He, selfsufficiencer, 
eggscumuddher- in -chaff sporticolorissimo, what though the 
duthsthrows in his lavabad eyes, maketomake polentay rossum, 
(Good savours queen with the stem of swuith Aftreck! Fit for 
king of Zundas) out of bianconies, hiking ahake like any nudge- 
meroughgorude all over Terracuta. No more throw acids, face all 
lovabilities, appeal for the union and play for tirnitys. He, praise 
Saint Calembaurnus, make clean breastsack of goody girl now as 
ever drank milksoep from a spoen, weedhearted boy of potter and 
mudder, chip of old Flinn the Flinter, twig of the hider that tanned 
him. He go calaboosh all same he tell him out. Teufleuf man he 
strip him all mussymussy calico blong him all same he tell him all 
out how he make what name. He, through wolkenic connection, 
relation belong this remarklable moliman, Anaks Andrum, parley- 
glutton pure blood Jebusite, centy procent Erserum spoking. 
Drugmallt storehuse. Intrance on back. Most open on the lay- 
days. He, A. A., in peachskin shantungs, possible, sooth to say, 
notwithstanding far former guiles and he gaining fish consider- 
able, by saving grace after avalunch, to look most prophitable 
out of smily skibluh eye. He repeat of him as pious alios cos he 
ast for shave and haircut people said he'd shape of hegoat where 
he just was sheep of herrgott with his tile togged. Top. Not true 
what chronicles is bringing his portemanteau priamed full potato- 

240 



wards. Big dumm crumm digaditchies say short again akter, even 
while lossassinated by summan, he coaxyorum a pennysilvers 
ofFarings bloadonages widi candid zuckers on Spinshesses Walk 
in presents to lilithe maidinettes for at bloo his noose for him 
with pruriest pollygameous inatentions, he having that pecuni- 
arity ailmint spectacularly in heather cliff emurgency on gale 
days because souffrant chronic from a plentitude of house torts. 
Collosul rhodomantic not wert one bronze lie Scholarina say as 
he, greyed vike cuddlepuUer, walk in her sleep his pig indicks 
weg femtyfem funts. Of so little is her timentrousnest great for 
greeting his immensesness. Sutt soonas sett they were, her uyes 
as his auroholes. Kaledvalch! How could one classically.'^ One 
could naught critically. Ininest lightingshaft only for lovalit 
smugpipe, his Mistress Mereshame, of cupric tresses, the form- v^^ 
white foaminine, the ambersandalled, after Aasdocktor Talop's 
onamuttony legture. A mish, holy balm of seinsed myrries, he is 
as good as a mountain and everybody what is found of his gients ^ h 

he knew Meistral Wikingson, furframed Noordwogen's kampf- ' ' ^ ' 
ten, with complexion of blushing dolomite fanned by ozeone 
brisees, what naver saw his bedshead farrer and nuver met his 
swigamore, have his ignomen from prima signation of being 
Master Milchku, queerest man in the benighted queendom, and, 
adcraft aidant, how he found the kids. Other accuse him as 
lochkneeghed forsunkener, dope in stockknob, all ameltingmoult 
after rhomatism, purely simply tammy ratkins. The kurds of 
Copt on the berberutters and their bedaweens! Even was Shes 
whole begeds off before all his nahars in the koldbethizzdryel. No 
gudth! Not one zouz! They whiteliveried ragsups, two Whales of 
the Sea of Deceit, they bloodiblabstard shooters, three Drome- 
daries of the Sands of Calumdonia. As is note worthies to shock 
his hind! Ur greeft on them! Such askors and their ruperts they 
are putting in for more osghirs is alse false liarnels. The frocken- 
halted victims! Whore affirm is agains sempry Lotta Karssens. 
They would lick their lenses before they would negatise a jom '>^J ^ 
petter from his sodalites. In his contrary and on reality, which 
Bichop Babwith bares to his whitness in his Just a Ficadon of 

241 



Villumses^ this Mr Heer Assassor Neelson, of sorestate hearing, 
diseased, formarly with Adenoiks, den feed all lighty, laxtleap 
great change of retiring family buckler, highly accurect in his 
everythinks, from tencents coupoU to bargain basement, live with 
howthold of nummer seven, wideawake, woundabout, wokin- 
betts, weeklings, in black velvet on geolgian mission senest mangy 
years his rear in the lane pictures, blanking same with autonaut 
and annexes and got a daarlingt babyboy bucktooth, the thick of 
a gobstick, coming on ever so nerses nursely, gracies to goodess, 
at 8i.i/That why all parks up excited about his gunnfodder. That 
why ecrazyaztecs and the crime ministers preaching him morn- 
ings and makes a power of spoon vittles out of his praverbs. That 
why he, persona erecta, glycorawman arsenicful femorniser, for 
a trial by julias, in celestial sunhat, with two purses agitatating 
his theopot with wokklebout shake, rather incoherend, from one 
1 8 to one i8 biss, young shy gay youngs. Sympoly far infusing 
up pritty tipidities to lock up their rhainodaisies and be nice 
and twainty in the shade. Old grand tuttut toucher up of young 
poetographies and he turn aroundabrupth red altfrumpishly like 
hear samhar tionnor falls some make one noise. It's his last lap, 
Gigantic, fare him weal! Revelation! A fact. True bill. By a jury 
of matrons. Hump for humbleness, dump for dirts. And, to make 
a long stoney badder and a whorly show a parfect sight, his Thing 
went the wholyway retup Suffrogate Strate. 

Helpmeat too, contrasta toga, his fiery goosemother, laotsey 
taotsey, woman who did, he tell princes of the age about. You 
sound on me, judges! Suppose we brisken up. Kings! Meet the 
Mem, Avenlith, all viviparous out of couple of lizards. She just as 
fenny as he is fulgar. How laat soever her latest still her sawlogs 
come up all standing. Psing a psalm of psexpeans, apocryphul of 
rhyme! His cheekmole of allaph foriverever her allinall and his 
Kuran never teachit her the be the owner of thyself. So she not 
swop her eckcot hjem for Howarden's Castle, Englandwales. But 
be the alleance of iern on his flamen vestacoat, the fibule of brooch- 
bronze to his wintermantle of pointefox. Who not knows she, the 
Madame Cooley-Couley, spawife to laird of manna, when first 

242 




I 



come into the pictures more as hundreads elskerelks' yahrds of 
annams call away, factory fresh and fiuming at the mouth, wronged 
by Hwemwednoget (magrathmagreeth, he takable a rap for that 
early party) and whenceforward Ani Mama and her fiertey 
bustles terrified of gmere gnomes of gmountains and furibound 
to be back in her mytinbeddy? Schi schi, she feightened allsouls 
at pignpugn and gets a pan in her stummi from the pialabellars 
in their pur war. Yet jackticktating all around her about his poor- 
liness due to pannellism and grime for that he harboured her when 
feme sole, her zoravarn Ihorde and givnergenral, and led her in 
antient consort ruhm and bound her durant coverture so as she 
could not steal from him, oz her or damman, so as if ever she's 
beleaved by checkenbrooth death since both was parties to the 
feed it's Hetman MacCumhal foots the funeral. Mealwhile she 
nutre him jacent from her elmer's almsdish, giantar and tschaina 
as sieme as bibrondas with Foli Signur's tinner roumanschy to 
fishle the ladwigs out of his lugwags, like a skittering kitty 
skattering hayels, when his favourites were all beruffled on him 
and her own undesirables justickulating, it was such a blowick 
day. Winden wanden wild like wenchen wenden wanton. The 
why if he but would bite and plug his baccypipes and renownse 
the devlins in all their pumbs and kip the streelwarkers out of 
the plague and nettleses milk from sickling the honeycoombe 
and kop Ulo Bubo selling foulty treepes, she would make massa 
dinars with her savuneer dealinsh and delicate her nutbrown 
glory cloack to Mayde Berenice and hang herself in Ostmanns- 
town Saint Megan's and make no more mulierage before ma- 
hatmas or moslemans, but would ondulate her shookerloft hat 
from Alpoleary with a viv baselgia and a clamast apotria like any 
purple cardinal's princess or woman of the grave word to the 
papal legate from the Vatucum, Monsaigneur Rabbinsohn Crucis, 
with an ass of milg to his cowmate and chilterlings on account 
of all he quaqueduxed for the hnor of Hrom and the nations 
abhord him and wop mezzo scudo to Sant Pursy Orelli that gave 
Luiz-Marios Josephs their loyal devouces to be offered up missas 
for vowts for widders. 

243 



Hear, O worldwithout! Tiny tattling! Backwoods, be wary! 
Daintytrees, go dutch! 

But who comes yond with pire on poletop? He who relights 
our spearing torch, the moon. Bring lolave branches to mud 
cabins and peace to the tents of Ceder, Neomenie ! The feast of 
Tubboumigglers is at hand. Shopshup. Inisfail! Timple temple 
tells the bells. In syngagyng a sangasongue. For all in Ondslos- 
by. And, the hag they damename Coverfew hists from her lane. 
And haste, 'tis time for bairns ta hame. Chickchilds, comeho to 
roo. Comehome to roo, wee chickchilds doo, when the wild- 
worewolf 's abroad. Ah, let's away and let's gay and let's stay 
chez where the log foyer's burning! Xv)V3>f jt>ur\^-^ 

It darkles, (tinct, tint) all this our funnaminal world. Yon 
marshpond by ruodmark verge is visited by the tide. Alvem- 
marea! We are circumveiloped by obscuritads. Man and belves 
frieren. There is a wish on them to be not doing or anything. Or 
just for rugs. Zoo koud! Drr, deff, coal lay on and, pzz, call us 
pyrress ! Ha. Where is our highly honourworthy salutable spouse- 
founderess? The foolish one of the family is within. Haha! Huzoor, 
where's he.'^ At house, to's pitty. With Nancy Hands. Tcheetchee! 
Hound through the maize has fled. What hou! Isegrim under 
lolling ears. Far wol! And wheaten bells bide breathless. All. The 
trail of Gill not yet is to be seen, rocksdrops, up benn, down 
dell, a craggy road for rambling. Nor yet through starland that 
silver sash. What era's o'ering.'^ Lang gong late. Say long, scielo ! 
Sillume, see lo! Selene, sail 01 Amune! Ark!.^ Noh.^^! Nought 
stirs in spinney. The swayful pathways of the dragonfly spider 
stay still in reedery. Quiet takes back her folded fields. Tranquille 
thanks. Adew. In deerhaven, imbraced, alleged, injoynted and 
unlatched, the birds, tommelise too, quail silent, ii. Luathan.'* 
Nuathan! Was avond ere a while. Now conticinium. As Lord 
the Laohun is sheutseuyes. The time of lying together will come 
and the wildering of the nicht till cockeedoodle aubens Aurore. 
Panther monster. Send leabarrow loads amorrow. While loevdom 
shleeps. Elenfant has siang his triump. Great is Eliphas Magis- 
trodontos and after kneeprayer pious for behemuth and mahamoth 

244 



will rest him from tusker toils. Salamsalaim! Rhinohorn isnoutso 
pigfellow but him ist gonz wurst. Kikikuki. Hopopodorme. So- 
beast! No chare of beagles, frantling of peacocks, no muzzing of 
the camel, smuttering of apes. Lights, pageboy, lights! Brights 
we'll be brights. With help of Hanoukan's lamp. When otter 
leaps in outer parts then Yul remembers Mei. Her hung maid 
mohns are bluming, look, to greet those loes on coast of amethyst; 
arcglow's seafire Siemens lure and wextward warnerforth's hooker- 
crookers. And now with robby brerfox's fishy fable lissaned out, 
the threads simwhat toran and knots in its antargumends, the 
pesciolines in LifFeyetta's bowl have stopped squiggling about 
Junoh and the whalk and feriaquintaism and pebble infinibility 
and the poissission of the hoghly course. And if Lubbernabohore 
laid his horker to the ribber, save the giregargoh and dabardin 
going on in his mount of knowledge (munt), he would not hear 
a flip flap in all Finnyland. Witchman, watch of your night.^ Es 
voes, ez noes, nott voes, ges, noun. It goes. It does not go. Dark- 
park's acoo with sucking loves. Rosimund's by her wishing well. 
Soon tempt-in-twos will stroll at venture and hunt-by-threes strut 
musketeering. Brace of girdles, brasse of beauys. With the width 
of the way for jogjoy. Hulker's cieclest elbownunsense. Hold 
hard! And his dithering dathering waltzers of. Stright! But meet- 
ings mate not as forsehn. Hesperons! And if you wand to Liv- 
mouth, wenderer, while Jempson's weed decks Jacqueson's Island, 
here lurks, bar hellpelhullpulthebell, none iron welcome. Bing. 
Bong. Bangbong. Thunderation ! You took with the mulligrubs 
and we lack mulsum.'^ No sirrebob! Great goodness, no! Were 
you Marely quean of Scuts or but Chrestien the Last, (our duty 
to you, chris! royalty, squat!) how matt your mark, though 
luked your johl, here's dapplebellied mugs and troublebedded 
rooms and sawdust strown in expectoration and for ratification by 
specification of your information, Mr Knight, tuntapster, buttles; 
his alefru's up to his hip. And Watsy Lyke sees after all rinsings 
and don't omiss Kate, homeswab homely, put in with the bricks. 
A's the sign and one's the number. Where Chavvyout Chacer 
calls the cup and Pouropourim stands astirrup. De oud huis bij 

245 



de kerkegaard. So who over comes ever for Whoopee Weeks 
must put up with the Jug and Chambers. 

But heed! Our thirty minutes war's alull. All's quiet on the 
felled of Gorey. Between the starfort and the thornwood brass 
castle flambs with mutton candles. Hushkah, a horn! Gadolmag- 
tog! God es El.^ Housefather calls enthreateningly. From Bran- 
denborgenthor. At Asa's arthre. In thundercloud periwig. With 
lightning bug aflash from afinger. My souls and by jings, should 
he work his jaw to give down the banks and hark from the tomb ! 
Ansighosa pokes in her potstill to souse at the sop be sodden 
enow and to hear to all the bubbles besaying: the coming man, the 
future woman, the food that is to build, what he with fifteen years 
will do, the ring in her mouth of joyous guard, stars astir and 
stirabout. A palashe for hirs, a saucy for hers and ladlelike spoons 
for the wonner. But ein and twee were never worth three. So they 
must have their final since he's on parole. Et la pau' Leonie has the 
choice of her lives between Josephinus and Mario-Louis for who 
is to wear the lily of Bohemey, Florestan, Thaddeus, Hardress or 
Myles. And lead raptivity captive. Ready! Like a Finn at a fair. 
Now for la belle ! Icy-la-Belle ! 

The campus calls them. Ninan ninan, the gattling gan! Childs 
will be wilds. 'Twastold. And vamp, vamp, vamp, the girls are 
merchand. The horseshow magnete draws his field and don't the 
fillyings fly.'^ Educande of Sorrento, they newknow knowwell 
their Vico's road. Arranked in their array and flocking for the 
fray on that old orangeray, Dolly Brae. For these are not on 
terms, they twain, bartrossers, since their baffle of Whatalose 
when Adam Leftus and the devil took our hindmost, gegifting 
her with his painapple, nor will not be atoned at all in fight to 
no finish, that dark deed doer, this wellwilled wooer, Jerkoff and 
Eatsoup, Yem or Yan, while felixed is who culpas does and harm's 
worth healing and Brune is bad French for Jour d'Anno. Tiggers 
and Tuggers they're all for tenzones. Bettlimbraves. For she must 
walk out. And it must be with who. Teaseforhim. Toesforhim. 
Tossforhim. Two. Else there is danger of. Solitude. 

Postreintroducing Jeremy, the chastenot coulter, the flowing 

246 



taal that brooks no brooking runs on to say how, as it was 
mutualiter foretold of him by a timekiller to his spacemaker, velos 
ambos and arubyat knychts, with their tales within wheels and 
stucks between spokes, on the hike from Elmstree to Stene and 
back, how, running awage with the use of reason (sics) and 
ramming amok at the brake of his voice (sees), his lasterhalft 
was set for getting the besterwhole of his yougendtougend, for 
control number thrice was operating the subliminal of his invaded 
personality. He nobit smorfi and go poltri and let all the tondo 
gang bola del ruffo. Barto no know him mor. Eat larto altruis 
with most perfect stranger. 

Boo, you're through! 

Hoo, Fm true! 

Men, teacan a tea simmering, hamo mavrone kerry O.'^ 
Teapotty. Teapotty. 

Kod knows. Anything ruind. Meetingless. 

He wept indeiterum. With such a tooth he seemed to love his 
wee tart when abuy. Highly momourning he see the before him. 
Melained from nape to kneecap though vied from her girders up. 
Holy Santalto, cursing saint, sight most deletious to ross up the 
spyballs like exude of margary! And how him it heaviered that 
eyerim rust! An they bare falls witless against thee how slight 
becomes a hidden wound? Soldwoter he wash him all time big- 
feller bruisy place blong him. He no want missies blong all boy 
other look bruisy place blong him. Hence. It will paineth the 
chastenot in that where of his whence he had loseth his once for 
every, even though mode grow moramor maenneritsch and the 
Tarara boom decay. Immaculacy, give but to drink to his shirt 
and all skirtaskortas must change her tunics. So warred he from 
first to last, forebanned and betweenly, a smuggler for lifer. Lift 
the blank ve veered as heil! Split the hvide and aye seize heaven! 
He knows for he's seen it in black and white through his eye- 
trompit trained upon jenny's and all that sort of thing which is 
dandymount to a clearobscure. Prettimaid tints may try their 
taunts: apple, bacchante, custard, dove, eskimo, feldgrau, hema- 
tite, isingglass, jet, kipper, lucile, mimosa, nut, oysterette, prune, 

247 



quasimodo, royal, sago, tango, umber, vanilla, wisteria, xray, 
yesplease, zaza, philomel, theerose. What are they all by? Shee. 

If you nude her in her prime, make sure you find her comple- 
mentary or, on your very first occasion, by Angus Dagdasson 
and all his piccions, she'll prick you where you're proudest with 
her unsatt speagle eye. Look sharp, she's signalling from among 
the asters. Turn again, wistfultone, lode mere of Doubtlynn! 
Arise, Land-under- Wave ! Clap your lingua to your pallet, drop 
your jowl with a jolt, tambourine until your breath slides, pet a 
pout and it's out. Have you got me, Allysloper? 

My top it was brought Achill's low, my middle I ope before 
you, my bottom's a vulser if ever there valsed and my whole the 
flower that stars the day and is solly well worth your pilger's 
fahrt. Where there's a hitch, a head of things, let henker's halter 
hang the halunkenend. For I see through your weapon. That 
cry's not Cucullus. And his eyelids are painted. If my tutor here 
is cut out for an oldeborre I'm Flo, shy of peeps, you know. But 
when he beetles backwards, ain't I fly.'* Pull the boughpee to see 
how we sleep. Bee Peep! Peepette! Would you like that lump of 
a tongue for lungeon or this Turkey's delighter, hys hyphen 
mys.'* My bellyswain's a twalf whulerusspower though he knows 
as much how to man a wife as Dunckle Dalton of matching wools. 
Shake hands through the thicketloch! Sweet swanwater! My 
other is mouthfilled. This kissing wold's full of killing fellows 
kneeling voyantly to the cope of heaven. And somebody's com- 
ing, I feel for a feet. I've a seeklet to sell thee if old Deanns won't 
be threaspanning. When you'll next have the mind to retire to 
be wicked this is as dainty a way as any. Underwoods spells bush- 
ment's business. So if you sprig poplar you're bound to twig this. 
'Twas my lord of Glendalough benedixed the gape for me that 
time at Long Entry, commanding the approaches to my intimast 
innermost. Look how they're browthered ! Six thirteens at Blanche 
de Blanche's of 3 Behind Street and 2 Turnagain Lane. Awabeg 
is my callby, Magnus here's my Max, Wonder One's my cipher 
and Seven Sisters is my nighbrood. Radouga, Rab will ye na 
pick them in their pink of panties. You can colour up till you're 

248 



prawn while I go squirt with any cockle. When here who adolls 
me infuxes sleep. But if this could see with its backsight he*d 
be the grand old greeneyed lobster. He's my first viewmarc since 
Valentine. Wink's the winning word. 
Luck! 

In the house of breathings lies that word, all fairness. The walls 
are of rubinen and the glittergates of elfinbone. The roof herof is 
of massicious jasper and a canopy of Tyrian awning rises and 
still descends to it. A grape cluster of lights hangs therebeneath 
and all the house is filled with the breathings of her fairness, the 
fairness of fondance and the fairness of milk and rhubarb and the 
fairness of roasted meats and uniomargrits and the fairness of 
promise with consonantia and avowals. There lies her word, you 
reder ! The height herup exalts it and the lowness her down aba- 
seth it. It vibroverberates upon the tegmen and prosplodes from 
pomoeria. A window, a hedge, a prong, a hand, an eye, a sign, a 
head and keep your other augur on her paypaypay. And you have 
it, old Sem, pat as ah be seated! And Sunny, my gander, he's 
coming to land her. The boy which she now adores. She dores. 
Oh backed von dem zug! Make weg for their tug! 

With a ring ding dong, they raise clasped hands and advance 
more steps to retire to the saum. Curtsey one, curtsey two, with 
arms akimbo, devotees. 

Irrelevance. 

All sing: 

— I rose up one maypole morning and saw in my glass how 
nobody loves me but you. Ugh. Ugh. 

All point in the shem direction as if to shun. 

— My name is Misha Misha but call me Tolfey Tough. I 
mean Mettenchough. It was her, boy the boy that was loft in the 
larch. Ogh! Ogh! 

Her reverence. 
All laugh. 

They pretend to helf while they simply shauted at him sauce to 
make hims prich. And ith ith noth cricquette, Sally Lums. Not 
by ever such a lot. Twentynines of bloomers gegging een man 

249 



arose. Avis was there and trilled her about it. She's her sex, for 
certain. So to celebrate the occasion: 

— Wiliest thou rossy banders havind.'^ 

He simules to be tight in ribbings round his rumpfFkorpff. 

— Are you Swarthants that's hit on a shorn stile? 
He makes semblant to be swiping their chimbleys. 

— Can you ajew ajew fro' Sheidam.^ 

He finges to be cutting up with a pair of sissers and to be buy- 
tings of their maidens and spitting their heads into their facepails. 
Spickspuk! Spoken. 

So now be hushy, little pukers ! Side here roohish, cleany fug- 
lers! Grandicellies, all stay zitty! Adultereux, rest as befour! For 
youVe jolly welly dawdled all the day. When ye coif tantoncle's 
hat then'll be largely temts for that. Yet's the time for being now, 
now, now. 

For a burning would is come to dance inane. Glamours hath 
moidered's lieb and herefore Coldours must leap no more. Lack 
breath must leap no more. 

Lei lols for libelman libling his lore. Lolo Lolo liebermann you 
loved to be leaving Libnius. Lift your right to your Liber Lord. 
Link your left to your lass of liberty. Lala Lala, Leapermann, 
your lep's but a loop to lee. 

A fork of hazel o'er the field in vox the verveine virgins ode. 
If you cross this rood as you roamed the rand I'm blessed but 
you'd feel him a blasting rod. Behind, me, frees from evil smells! 
Perdition stinks before us. 

Aghatharept they fleurelly to Nebnos will and Rosocale. Twice 
is he gone to quest of her, thrice is she now to him. So see we so 
as seed we sow. And their prunktqueen kilt her kirtles up and 
set out. And her troup came heeling, O. And what do you think 
that pride was drest in! Voolykins' diamondinah's vestin. For ever 
they scent where air she went. While all the fauns' flares widens 
wild to see a floral's school. 

Led by Lignifer, in four hops of the happiest, ach beth cac duff, 
a marrer of the sward incoronate, the few fly the farbetween! 
We haul minymony on that piebold nig. Will any dubble dabble 

250 



^ { r cJj 



on the bay? Nor far jocubus? Nic for jay? Attilad! Attattilad! Get 
up, Goth's scourge on you! There's a visitation in your implu- 
vium. Hun! Hun! 

He stanth theirs mun in his natural, oblious autamnesically 
of his very proprium, (such is stockpot leaden, so did sonsepun 
crake) the wont to be wanton maid a will to be wise. Thrust from 
the light, apophotorejected, he spoors loves from her heats. He 
blinkth. But's wrath's the higher where those wreathe charity. 
For all of these have been thisworlders, time liquescing into state, 
pitiless age grows angelhood. Though, as he stehs, most anysing 
may befallhim from a song of a witch to the totter of Blackarss, 
given a fammished devil, a young sourceress and (eternal con- 
junction) the permission of overalls with the cuperation of night- 
shirt. If he spice east he seethes in sooth and if he pierce north 
he wilts in the waist. And what wonder with the murkery vice- 
heid in the shade? The specks on his lapspan are his foul deed 
thougths, wishmarks of mad imogenation. Take^the;y off! Make 
the off! But Funnylegs are leanly. A bimbamb bum! They vain 
would convert the to be hers in the word. Gush, they wooed! 
Gash, they're fair ripecherry! 

As for she could shake him. An oaf, no more. Still he'd be 
good tutor two in his big armschair lerningstoel and she be 
waxen in his hands. Turning up and fingering over the most dan- 
tellising peaches in the lingerous longerous book of the dark, a 
Look at this passage about Galilleotto! I know it is difficult but 
when your goche I go dead. Turn now to this patch upon Smac- 
chiavelluti! Soot allours, he's sure to spot it! 'Twas ever so in 
monitorology since Headmaster Adam became Eva Harte's 
toucher, in omnibus morihus et temporibus^ with man's mischief 
in his mind whilst her pupils swimmed too heavenlies, let his be 
exaspirated, letters be blowed! I is a femaline person. O, of pro- 
vocative gender. U unisingular case. 

Which is why trumpers are mixed up in duels and here's B. 
Rohan meets N. Ohlan for the prize of a thou. ji.'^ 

But listen to the mocking birde to micking barde making bared! 
We've heard it aye since songdom was gemurrmal. As he was 

251 



queering his shoolthers. So was 1. And as I was cleansing my 
fausties. So was he. And as way ware puffiing our blowbags. 
Souwouyou. 

Come, thrust! Go, parry! Dvoinabrathran, dare! The mad 
long ramp of manchind*s parlements, the learned lackleaming, 
merciless as wonderful. 

— Now may Saint Mowy of the Pleasant Grin be your ever- 
glass and even prospect! 

— Feeling dank. 
Exchange, reverse. 

— And may Saint Jerome of the Harlots' Curse make family 
three of you which is much abedder! 

— Grassy ass ago. 

And each was wrought with his other. And his continence fell. 
The bivitellines, Metellus and Ametallikos, her crown pretenders, 
obscindgemeinded biekerers, varying directly, uruseye each oxes- 
other, superfetated (never cleaner of lamps frowned fiercelier on 
anointer of hinges), while their treegrown girls, king's game, if 
he deign so, are in such transfusion just to know twigst timidy 
twomeys, for gracious sake, who is artthoudux from whose 
heterotropic, the sleepy or the glouch, for, shyly bawn and 
showly nursured, exceedingly nice girls can strike exceedingly 
bad times unless so richtly chosen's by (what though of riches 
he have none and hope dashes hope on his heart's horizon) to gar 
their great moments greater. The thing is he must be put strait 
on the spot, no mere waterstichystuff in a selfmade world that 
you can't believe a word he's written in, not for pie, but one's 
only owned by nature! rejection. Charley, you're my darwing! 
So sing they sequent the assent of man. Till they go round if 
they go roundagain before breakparts and all dismissed. They 
keep. Step keep. Step. Stop. Who is Fleur? Where is Ange? Or 
Gardoun.'* 

Creedless, croonless hangs his haughty. There end no moe red 
devil in the white of his eye. Braglodyte him do a katadupe ! A con- 
damn quondam jontom sick af a suckbut! He does not know how 
his grandson's grandson's grandson's grandson will stammer up 

252 



I 



in Peruvian for in the ersebest idiom I have done it equals I so 
shall do. He dares not think why the grandmother of the grand- 
mother of his grandmother's grandmother coughed Russky with 
suchky husky accent since in the mouthart of the slove look at 
me now means I once was otherwise. Nor that the mappamund 
has been changing pattern as youth plays moves from street to 
street since time and races were and wise ants hoarded and saute- 
relles were spendthrifts, no thing making newthing wealthshow- 
ever for a silly old Sol, healthytobedder and latewiser. Nor that the 
turtling of a London's alderman is ladled out by the waggerful to 
the regionals of pigmyland. His part should say in honour bound: 
So help me symethew, sammarc, selluc and singin, I will stick to 
you, by gum, no matter what, bite simbum, and in case of the 
event coming off beforehand even so you was to release me for 
the sake of the other cheap girl's baby's name plaster me but I 
will pluckily well pull on the buckskin gloves ! But Noodynaady's 
actual ingrate tootle is of come into the garner mauve and thy 
nice are stores of morning and buy me a bunch of iodines. 

Evidentament he has failed as tiercely as the deuce before for 
she is wearing none of the three. And quite as patenly there is a 
hole in the ballet trough which the rest fell out. Because to ex- 
plain why the residue is, was, or will not be, according to the 
eighth axiom, proceeded with, namely, since ever apart that gos- 
san duad, so sure as their's a patch on a pomelo, this yam ham in 
never live could, the shifting about of the lassies, the tug of love 
of their lads ending with a great deal of merriment, hoots, 
screams, scarf drill, cap fecking, ejaculations of aurinos, reecho- 
able mirthpeals and general thumbtonosery (Myama's a yaung 
yaung cauntry), one must recken with the sudden and gigant- 
esquesque appearance unwithstandable as a general election in 
Barnado's bearskin amongst the brawlmiddle of this village chil- 
dergarten of the largely longsuffering laird of Lucanhof. 

But, vrayedevraye Blankdeblank, god of all machineries and 
tomestone of Barnstaple, by mortisection or vivisuture, splitten 
up or recompounded, an isaac jacquemin mauromormo milesian, 
how accountibus for him, moreblue? 

253 



Was he pitssched for an ensemple as certain have dognosed of 
him against our seawall by Rurie, Thoath and Cleaver, those 
three stout sweynhearts, Orion of the Orgiasts, Meereschal Mac- 
Muhun, the Ipse dadden, product of the extremes giving quoti- 
dients to our means, as might occur to anyone, your brutest 
layaman with the princest champion in our archdeaconry, or so 
yclept from Clio's clippings, which the chroncher of chivalries 
is sulpicious save he scan, for ancients link with presents as the 
human chain extends, have done, do and will again as John, Poly- 
carp and Irenews eye-to-eye ayewitnessed and to Paddy Palmer, 
while monks sell yew to archers or the water of the livvying 
goes the way of all fish from Sara's drawhead, the corralsome, to 
Isaac's, the lauphed butt one, with her minnelisp extorreor to his 
moanolothe inturned? So Perrichon with Bastienne or heavy 
Humph with airy Nan, Ricqueracqbrimbillyjicqueyjocqjolicass? 
How sowesthow, dullcisamica} A and aa ab ad abu abiad. A 
babbel men dub gulch of tears. 

The mar of murmury mermers to the mind's ear, uncharted 
rock, evasive weed. Only the caul knows his thousandfirst name. 
Hocus Crocus, Esquilocus, Finnfinn the Faineant, how feel full 
foes in furrinarr! Doth it not all come aft to you, puritysnooper, 
in theJB^ay television opes longtimes ofter when Potollomuck 
Sotyr or Sourdanapplous the Lollapaloosa? The charges are, you 
will remember, the chances are, you won't; bit it's old Joe, the 
Java Jane, older even than Odam Costollo, and we are recur- 
rently meeting em, par Mahun Mesme, in cycloannalism, from 
space to space, time after time, in various phases of scripture as 
in various poses of sepulture. Greets Godd, Groceries! Merodach! 
Defend the King! Hoet of the rough throat attack but whose say 
is soft but whose ee has a cute angle, he whose hut is a hissarlik 
even as her hennin's aspire. And insodaintily she's a quine of selm 
ashaker while as a murder of corpse when his magot's up he's 
the best berrathon sanger in all the aisles of Skaldignavia. As who 
shall hear. For now at last is Longabed going to be gone to, that 
more than man, prince of Bunnicombe of wide roadsterds, tlie 
herblord the gillyflowrets so fain fan to flatter about. Artho is the 

254 



name is on the hero, Capellisato, shoehanded slaughterer of the 
shader of our leaves. 

Attach him! Hold! 

Yet stir thee, to clay, Tamor! 

Why wilt thou ergs'aken him from his earth, O summonor- 
other: he is weatherbitten from the dusts of ages? The hour of his 
closing hies to hand; the tocsin that shall claxonise his ware- 
abouts. If one who remembered his webgoods and tealofts were 
to ask of a hooper for whose it was the storks were quitting 
Aquileyria, this trundler would not wot; if other who joined faith 
when his depth charge bombed our barrel spillway were to — ! 

Jehosophat, what doom is here ! Rain ruth on them, sire ! The 
wing of Moykill cover him! The Bulljon Bossbrute quarantee 
him! Calavera, caution! Slaves to Virtue, save his Veri totem! 
Bearara T olems^ procul abeatl The Ivorbonegorer of Danamara- 
ca be, his Hector Protector! Woldomar with Vasa, peel your 
peeps ! And try to saviourise the nights of labour to the order of 
our blooding worold! While Pliny the Younger writes to Pliny 
the Elder his calamolumen of contumellas, what Aulus Gellius 
picked on Micmacrobius and what Vitruvius pocketed from 
Cassiodorus. Like we larnt from that Buke of Lukan in Dublin's 
capital, Kongdam Coombe. Even if you are the kooper of the 
winkel over measure never lost a licence. Nor a duckindonche 
divulse from bath and breakfast. And for the honour of Alcohol 
drop that you-know-what-Fve-come-about-I-saw-your-act air! 
Punch may be pottleproud but his Judy's a wife's wit better. 

For the producer (Mr John Baptister Vickar) caused a deep 
abuliousness to descend upon the Father of Truants and, at a side 
issue, pluterpromptly brought on the scene the cutletsized con- 
sort, foundling filly of fortyshilling fostertailor and shipman's 
shopahoyden, weighing ten pebble ten, scaling five footsy five 
and spanning thirtyseven inchettes round the good companions, 
twentynine ditties round the wishful waistress, thirtyseven alsos 
round the answer to everything, twentythree of the same round 
each of the quis separabits, fourteen round the beginning of hap- 
piness and nicely nine round her shoed for slender. 

255 



And eher you could pray mercy to goodness or help with your 
hokey or mehokeypoo, Callus's hen has collared her pullets. 
That's where they have owreglias for. Their bone of contention, 
flesh to their thorns, prest as Prestissima, makes off in a thinkling 
(and not one hen only nor two hens neyther but every blessed 
brigid came aclucking and aclacking), while, a rum a rum, the 
ram of all harns, Bier, Wijn, Spirituosen for consumption on the 
premises, advokaat withouten pleaders, Mas marrit. Pas poulit, 
Ras ruddist of all, though flamifestouned from galantifloures, is 
hued and cried of each's colour. 

Home all go. Halome. Blare no more ramsblares, oddmund 
barkes ! And cease your fumings, kindalled bushies ! And sherri- 
goldies yeassymgnays; your wildeshaweshowe moves swiftly 
sterneward! For here the holy language. Soons to come. To 
pausse. 

'Tis goed. Het best. 

For they are now tearing, that is, teartoretorning. Too soon 
are coming tasbooks and goody, hominy bread and bible bee, 
with jaggery-yo to juju-jaw, Fine's French phrases from the 
Grandmere des Grammaires and bothered parsenaps from the 
Four Massores, Mattatias, Marusias, Lucanias, Jokinias, and what 
happened to our eleven in thirtytwo antepostdating the Valgur 
Eire and why is limbo where is he and what are the sound waves V 
saying ceased ere they all wayed wrong and Amnist anguished 
axes Collis and where fishngaman fetched the mongafesh from 
and whatfor paddybird notplease rancoon and why was Sindat 
sitthing on him sitbom Uke a saildior, with what the doc did in the 
doil, not to mention define the hydraulics of common salt and, 
its denier crid of old provaunce, where G.P.O. is zentrum and 
D.U.T.C. are radients write down by the frequency of the scores 
and crores of your refractions the valuations in the pice of ding- 
gyings on N.C.R. and S.C.R. 

That little cloud, a nibulissa, still hangs isky. Singabed sulks 
before slumber. Light at night has an alps, on his druckhouse. 
Thick head and thin butter or after you with me. Caspi, but 
gueroligue stings the air. Gaylegs to riot of us! Gallocks to lafft! 

256 



.J- 



yvA- 



( 0" 



What is amaid today todo? So angelland all weeping bin that Izzy 
most unhappy is. Fain Essie fie onhapje? laughs her stella/s vispirine. 

While, running about their ways, going and coming, now at 
rhimba rhomba, now in trippiza trappaza, pleating a pattern Gran ^ ^ ,^ ^ 
Geamatron showed them of gracehoppers, auntskippers and coney- 
farm leppers, they jeerilied along, durian gay and marian maid- ^ ^e^'f ^ 
cap, lou Dariou beside la Matieto, all boy more all girl singout- r 
feller longa house blong store Huddy, whilest nin nin nin nin that 
Boorman's clock, a winny on the tinny side, ninned nin nin nin 
nin, about old Father Barley how he got up of a morning arley 
and he met with a plattonem blondes named Hips and Haws and 
fell in with a fellows of Trinity some header Skowood Shaws like 
(You'll catch it, don't fret, Mrs Tummy Lupton! Come indoor, 
Scoffynosey, and shed your swank!) auld Daddy Deacon who 
could stow well his place of beacon but he never could hold his 
kerosene's candle to (The nurse'll give it you, stickypots ! And you 
wait, my lasso, fecking the twine!) bold Farmer Burleigh who 
wuck up in a hurlywurly where he huddly could wuddle to wal- 
low his weg tillbag of the baker's booth to beg of (You're well 
held now. Missy Cheekspeer, and your panto's off! Fie, for shame, 
Ruth Wheatacre, after all the booz said!) illed Diddiddy Achin 
for the prize of a pease of bakin with a pinch of the panch of the 
ponch in jurys for (Ah, crabeyes, I have you, showing off to the 
world with that gape in your stocking!) Wold Forrester Farley 
who, in deesperation of deispiration at the diasporation of his 
diesparation, was found of the round of the sound of the lound a 
of the. Lukkedoerendunandurraskewdylooshoofermoyportertoo- ^ 
ryzooysphalnabortansporthaokansakroidverjkapakkapuk. 

Upploud! ^ - ^ ^'^ C-CrtiL^ . 

The play thou schouwburgst. Game, here endeth. The curtain 
drops by deep request. 
Uplouderamain ! 

\^ Gonn the gawds, Gunnar's gustspells. When the h, who the 
hu, how the hue, where the huer.'^ Orbiter onswers: lots lives 
lost. Fionia is fed up with Fidge Fudgesons. Sealand snorres. 

257 



Rendningrocks roguesreckning reigns. Gwds with gurs are 
gttrdmmrng. HUs vlls. The timid hearts of words all exeomno- 
sunt. Mannagad, lammalelouh, how do that come? By Dad, youd 
not heed that fert? Fulgitudes ejist rowdownan tonuout. Quoq! 
And buncskleydoodle ! Kidoosh! Of their fear they broke, they 
ate wind, they fled; where they ate there they fled; of their fear 
they fled, they broke away. Go to, let us extol Azrael with our 
harks, by our brews, on our jambses, in his gaits. To Mezou- 
zalem with the Dephilim, didits dinkun's dud.'^ Yip! Yup! Yar- 
rah! And let Nek Nekulon extol Mak Makal and let him say 
unto him: Immi ammi Semmi. And shall not Babel be with 
Lebab.'^ And he war. And he shall open his mouth and answer: 
I hear, O Ismael, how they laud is only as my loud is one. If 
Nekulon shall be havonfalled surely Makal haven hevens. Go to, 
let us extell Makal, yea, let us exceedingly extell. Though you 
have lien amung your posspots my excellency is over Ismael. 
Great is him whom is over Ismael and he shall mekanek of Mak 
Nakulon. And he deed. 
Uplouderamainagain ! 

For the Clearer of the Air from on high has spoken in tumbul- 
dum tambaldam to his tembledim tombaldoom worrild and, mogu- 
phonoised by that phonemanon, the unhappitents of the earth 
have terrerumbled from fimament unto fundament and from 
tweedledeedumms down to twiddledeedees. 

Loud, hear us! 

Loud, graciously hear us ! 

Now have thy children entered into their habitations. And 
nationg lad, camp meeting over, to shin it, Gov be thanked ! Thou 
hast closed the portals of the habitations of thy children and thou 
hast set thy guards thereby, even Garda Didymus and Garda 
^ Domas, that thy children may read in the book of the opening of 
the mind to light and err not in the darkness which is the after- 
thought of thy nomatter by the guardiance of those guards which 
are thy bodemen, the cheeryboyum chirryboth with the kerry- 
bommers in their krubeems, Pray-your-Prayers Timothy and 
Back-to-Bunk Tom. 

258 



\ 

Till tree from tree, tree among trees, tree over tree become 
stone to stone, stone between stones, stone under stone for ever. 

O Loud, hear the wee beseech of thees of each of these thy un- 
litten ones! Grant sleep in hour's time, O Loud! 

That they take no chill. That they do ming no merder. That 
they shall not gomeet madhowiatrees. , \/ c^^-^ 

Loud, heap miseries upon us yet entwine our arts with laugh- 
ters low! 

Ha he hi ho hu. 

Mummum. 



259 



With his broad 
and hairy face ^ 
to Ireland a 
disgrace, 

Menly about 
peebles. 

Dont retch meat 
fat salt lard 
sinks down {and 
out). 



As we there are where are we are we there 
from tomtittot to teetootomtotalitarian. Tea 
tea too oo. 

Whom will comes over. Who to caps ever. 
And howelse do we hook our hike to find that 
pint of porter place? Am shot, says the big- 
guard.^ 

Whence. Quick lunch by our left, wheel, 
to where. Long Livius Lane, mid Mezzofanti 
Mall, diagonising Lavatery Square, up Tycho 
Brache Crescent,^ shouldering Berkeley Alley, 
querfixing Gainsborough Carfax, under Guido 
d'Arezzo's Gadeway, by New Livius Lane till 
where we whiled while we whithered. Old 
Vico Roundpoint. But fahr, be fear! And 
natural, simple, slavish, filial. The marriage of 
Montan wetting his moll we know, like any 
enthewsyass cuckling a hoyden^ in her rougey 



UNDE ETUBI, 



SIC. 



IMAGINABLE 
ITINERARY 
THROUGH 
THE 

PARTICULAR 
UNIVERSAL. 



^ Rawmeash, quoshe with her girlie teangue. If old Herod with the Corm- 
well's eczema was to go for me like he does Snuffler whatever about his blue 
canaries I'd do nine months for his beaver beard. 

^ Mater Mary Mercerycordial of the Dripping Nipples, milk's a queer 
arrangement. 

' Real life behind the floodlights as shown by the best exponents of a royal 
divorce. 

260 



iwiney Tod, ye 
Daimon Barhar! 



Dig him in the 
iibsh! 

Jngodly old Ard- 
ipy, Cronwall 
ieeswaxing the 
bnvulsion box. 



gipsylike chinkaminx pulshandjupeyjade and 
her petsybluse indecked o' voylets.^ When 
who was wist was ware. En elv, et f jaell. And 
the whirr of the whins humming us howe. 
His hume. Hencetaking tides we haply return, 
trumpeted by prawns and ensigned with sea- 
kale, to befinding ourself when old is said in 
one and maker mates with made (O my!), 
having conned the cones and meditated the 
mured and pondered the pensils and ogled the 
olymp and delighted in her dianaphous and 
cacchinated behind his culosses, before a 
mosoleum. Length Withought Breath, of him, 
a chump of the evums, upshoot of picnic or 
stupor out of sopor. Cave of Kids or Hyma- 
nian Glattstoneburg, denary, danery, donnery, 
domm, who, entiringly as he continues highly- 
fictional, tumulous under his chthonic exterior 
but plain Mr Tumulty in muftilife,^ in his an- 
tisipiences as in his recognisances, is, (Dominic 
Directus) a manyfeast munificent more mob 
than man. 

Ainsoph,^ this upright one, with that 
noughty besighed him zeroine. To see in his 
horrorscup he is mehrkurios than saltz of 
sulphur. Terror of the noonstruck by day, 
cryptogam of each nightly bridable. But, to 
speak broken heaventalk, is he? Who is he? 
Whose is he? Why is he? Howmuch is he? 
Which is he? When is he? Where is he?^ How 
is he? And what the decans is there about him 



CONSTITU- 
TION OF THE 
CONSTITU- 
TIONABLE AS 
CONSTITU- 
TIONAL. 



^ When we play dress grownup at alia ludo poker you'll be happnessised 
to feel how fetching I can look in clingarounds. 

^ Kellywick, Longfellow's Lodgings, House of Comments III, Cake "Walk, 
Amusing Avenue, Salt Hill, Co. Mahogany, Izalond, Terra Firma. 

^ Groupname for grape juice. 

* Bhing, said her burglar's head, soto poce. 

261 



Swing the hanjo^ 
bantams^ hounce- 
the-hallers 
blown to fook, 

Thsight near 
left me eyes when 
I seen her put 
thounce otay 
ithpot. 



Quartandwds. 



anyway, the decemt man? Easy, calm your 
haste! Approach to lead our passage! 
This bridge is upper. 
Cross. 

Thus come to castle. 
Knock.i 

A password, thanks. 
Yes, pearse. 
Well, all be dumbed! 
O really.^2 

Hoo cavedin earthwight 

At furscht kracht of thunder.^ 

When shoo, his flutterby. 

Was netted and named.^ 

Erdnacrusha, requiestress, wake em! 

And let luck's puresplutterall lucy at 

ease!^ 

To house as wise fool ages builded. 
Sow byg eat.^ 

Staplering to tether to, steppingstone to 
mount by, as the Boote's at Pickardstown. 
And that skimmelk steed still in the ground- 
loftfan. As over all. Or be these wingsets leaned 
to the outwalls, beastskin trophies of booth 
of Baws the balsamboards.'^^ Burials be bally- 
houraised! So let Bacchus e'en call! Inn inn! 
Inn inn! Where. The babbers ply the pen. 
The bibbers drang the den. The papplicom, 
the pubblicam he's turning tin for ten. From 



PROBA- 
POSSIBLE 
PROLEGO- 
MENA TO 
IDEAREAL 
HISTORY. 



GNOSIS OF 
PRECREATE 
DETERMINA- 
TION. 

AGNOSIS OF 
POSTCREATE 
DETER- 
MINISM. 



Tickets for the 
Tailwaggers 
Terrierpuppy 
Raffle, 

* Yussive smirte and ye mermon answerth from his beelyingplace below 
the tightmark, Gotahelv ! 

2 O Evol, kool in the salg and ees how Dozi pits what a drows er. 
^ A goodrid croven in a tynwalled tub. 

* Apis amat aram. Luna legit librum. Pulla petit pascua. 
^ And after dinn to shoot the shades. 

^ Says blistered Mary Achinhead to beautifed Tummy Tullbutt. 
Begge. To go to Begge. To go to Begge and to be sure to reminder 
Begge. Goodbeg, buggey Begge. 

262 




\ 



seldomers that most frequent him. That same 
erst crafty hakemouth which under the assumed 
name of Ignotus Loquor, of foggy old, 
harangued bellyhooting fishdrunks on their 
favorite stamping ground, from a father theo- 
balder brake. ^ And Egyptus, the incenstrobed. 
Mars speaking. as Cyrus heard of him.^ And Major A. Shaw 
after he got the miner smellpex.'^ And old 
Whiteman self, the blighty blotchy, beyond 
the bays, hope of ostrogothic and ottomanic 
faith converters, despair of Pandemia's post- 
war tem plastic surgeons.^ But is was all so 
long ago. Hispano-Cathayan-Euxine, Castil- 
lian - Emeratic - Hebridian, Espanol - Cymric- 
Smithy no home, Helleniky.^ Rolf the Ganger, Rough the Gang- 
ster, not a feature alike and the face the same.^ 
Pastimes are past times. Now let bygones 
be bei Gunne's. Saaleddies er it in this warken 
werden, mine boerne, and it vild need older- 
wise^ since primal made alter in garden of 
Idem. The tasks above are as the flasks below, 
saith the emerald canticle of Hermes and all's 
Nan quod sed loth and pleasestir, are we told, on excellent 
^^J-<^t. inkbottle authority, solarsystemised, seriol- 

cosmically, in a more and more almightily 
expanding universe under one, there is rhyme- 
less reason to believe, original sun. Securely 
judges orb terrestrial.* Hand certo ergo. But 
Hearasay in O felicitous culpability, sweet bad cess to you 

aradox lust, for an archetypt ! 

^ Huntler and Pumar's animal alphabites, the first in the world from 
aab to zoo. 

2 We dont hear the booming cursowarries, we wont fear the fletches of 
fightning, we float the meditarenias and come bask to the 'isle we love in 
spice. Punt. 

^ And tliis once golden bee a cimadoro. 

* And he was a gay Lutharius anyway, Sinobiled. You can tell by their 
extraordinary clothes. 

263 



Bags. 
Balls. 



Move up, 
Mackinerny! 
Make room for 
Muckinurney! 



Honour commercio's energy yet aid the 
linkless proud, the plurable with everybody 
and ech with pal, this ernst of Allsap*s ale 
halliday of roaring month with its two lunar 
eclipses and its three saturnine settings! Horn 
of Heatthen, highbrowed! Brook of Life, back- 
frish! Amnios amniurn, fluminiculum flami- 
nulinorum! We seek the Blessed One, the 
Harbourer-cum-Enheritance. Even Canaan 
the Hateful. Ever a-going, ever a-coming. 
Between a stare and a sough. Fossilisation, all 
branches.^ Wherefore Petra sware unto Ulma: 
By the mortals' frost! And Ulma sware unto 
Petra: On my veiny life! 

In these places sojournemus, where Eblinn 
water, leased of carr and fen, leaving amont her 
shoals and salmen browses, whom inshore 
breezes woo with freshets, windeth to her 
broads. A phantom city, phaked of philim 
pholk, bowed and sould for a four of hundreds 
of manhood in their three and threescore 
fylkers for a price partitional of twenty six and 
six. By this riverside, on our sunnybank,^ how 
buona the vista, by Santa Rosa! A field of May, 
the very vale of Spring. Orchards here are 
lodged; sainted lawrels evremberried. You 
have a hoig view ashwald, a glen of marrons 
and of thorns. Gleannaulinn, Ardeevin: purty 
glint of plaising height. This Norman court at 
boundary of the ville, yon creepered tower of 
a church of Ereland, meet for true saints in 
worshipful assemblage,^ with our king's house 



ARCHAIC 
ZELOTYPIA 
AND THE 
ODIUM TEL- 
EOLOGICUM. 



THE LOCALI- 
SATION OF 
LEGEND 
LEADING TO 
THE LEGALI- 
SATION OF 
LATIFUND- 
ISM. 



^ Startnaked and bonedstiff. We vivvy soddy. All be dood. 
2 When you dreamt that you'd wealth in marble arch do you ever think of 
pool beg slowe. 

^ Porphyrious Olbion, redcoatliar, we were always wholly rose marines 
on our side every time. 

264 



1 



n snowdrop, 
rou-de-dentelky 
lesh and helio- 
rope. 



eres our do^en 
usins from the 
irves on tripes. 



of stone, belgroved of mulbrey, the still that 
was mill and Kloster that was Yeomansland, 
the ghastcold tombshape of the quick fore- 
gone on, the loftleaved elm Lefanunian above- 
mansioned, each, every, all is for the retro- 
spectioner. Skole! Agus skole igen!^ Sweet- 
some auburn, cometh up as a selfreizing flower, 
that fragolance of the fraisey beds: the phoenix, 
his pyre, is still flaming away with trueprat- 
tight spirit: the wren his nest is niedelig as the 
turrises of the sabines are televisible. Here are 
the cottage and the bungalow for the cobbeler 
and the brandnewburgher:^ but Izolde, her 
chaplet gardens, an litlee plads af liefest pose, 
arride the winnerful wonders ofl", the winner- 
ful wonnerful wanders ofl",^ with hedges of 
ivy and hollywood and bower of mistletoe, 
are, tho if it theem tho and yeth if you 
pleathes,^ for the blithehaired daughter of 
Angoisse. All out of two barreny old perishers, 
Tytonyhands and Vlossyhair, a kilolitre in 
metromyriams. Presepeprosapia, the parent 
bole. Wone tabard, wine tap and warm tavern^ 
and, by ribbon development, from contact 
bridge to lease lapse, only two millium two 
humbered and eighty thausig nine humbered 
and sixty radiolumin lines to the wustworts of 
a Finntown's generous poet's office. Distorted 
mirage, aloofliest of the plain, wherein the 



^ Now a muss wash the little face. 

2 A viking vernacular expression still used in the Summerhill district for a 
jerryhatted man of forty who puts two fingers into his boiling soupplate and 
licks them in turn to find out if there is enough mushroom catsup in the 
mutton broth. 

3 H' dk' fs' h'p'y. 
^ Googlaa pluplu. 

^Tomley. The grown man. A butcher szewched him the bloughs and 
braches. I'm chory to see P. Shuter. 

265 



Bet you fippence^ 

anythesious^ 
there s no pug- 
gatoryy are yous 
same^ 



boxomeness of the bedelias^ makes hobby- 
hodge happy in his hole.^ The store and 
charter, Treetown Castle under Lynne. Riva- 
pool? Hod a brieck on it! But its piers eerie, 
its span spooky, its toll but a till, its parapets 
all peripateting. D' Oblong's by his by. Which 
we all pass. Tons. In our snoo. Znore. While 
we hickerwards the thicker. Schein. Schore. 
Which assoars us from the murk of the mythe- 
lated in the barrabelowther, bedevere butlered 
table round, past Momingtop's necessity and 
Harington's invention, to the clarience of the 
childlight in the studiorium upsturts. Here 
we'll dwell on homiest powers, love at the 
latch with novices nig and nag. The chorus: 
the principals. For the rifocillation of their 
inclination to the manifestation of irritation: 
doldorboys and doll.^ After sound, light and 
heat, memory, will and understanding. 

Here (the memories framed from walls are 
minding) till wranglers for wringwrowdy 
wready are, F (at gaze, respecting, four- 
teenth baronet, meet, altrettanth bancorot, 
chaff) and ere commence commencement cata- 
launic when Aetius check chokewill Attil's 
gambit, (that buxon bruzeup, give it a burl!) 
lead us seek, O june of eves the jenniest, 
thou who fleeest flicklesome the fond fervid 
frondeur to thickly thyself attach with thine 
efteased ensuer,"* ondrawer of our uncon- 
scionable, flickerflapper fore our unter- 



PREAUSTERIC 
MAN AND HIS 
PURSUIT OF 
PAN- 
HYSTERIC 
WOMAN. 



^ I believe in Dublin and the Sultan of Turkey. 

2 I have heard this word used by Martin Halpin, an old gardener from the 
Glens of Antrim who used to do odd jobs for my godfather, the Rev. B. B. 
Brophy of Swords. 

^ Ravens may rive so can dove deelish. 

* A question of pull. 

266 




I 



ere was a 
hopeful 
ulled Cis. 



\weet 



'. he Big Bear 
L the Sailor s 
hly. Trouble^ 
mbky trouble, 

Mrening Unge 
IristlikeKvinne. 



drugged,^ lead us seek, lote us see, light us find, 
let us missnot Maidadate, Mimosa Multimim- 
etica, the maymeaminning of maimoomeining ! 
Elpis, thou fountain of the greeces, all shall speer 
theeward,^ from kongen in his canteenhus to 
knivers hind the knolL Ausonius Audacior 
and gael, gillie, gall.^ Singalingalying. Storiella 
as she is syung. Whence followeup with end- 
speaking nots for yestures, plutonically pur- 
suant on briefest glimpse from gladrags, pretty 
Proserpronette whose slit satchel spilleth peas. 

Belisha beacon, beckon bright! Usherette, 
unmesh us ! That grene ray of earong it waves 
us to yonder as the red, blue and yellow flogs 
time on the domisole,^ with a blewy blow and 
a windigo. Where flash becomes word and 
silents self loud. To brace congeners, trebly 
bounden and asservaged twainly. Adamman,^ 
Emhe, Issossianusheen and sometypes Yggely 
ogs Weib. Uwayoei!^ So mag this sybilette be 
our shibboleth that we may syllable her well ! 
Vetus may be occluded behind the mou in 
Veto but Nova will be nearing as their radient 
among the Nereids. A one of charmers, ay, 
Una Unica, charmers, who, under the branches 
of the elms, in shoes as yet unshent by stoni- 
ness, wend, went, will wend a way of honey 
myrrh and rambler roses mistmusk while still 
the maybe mantles the meiblume or ever her 



URGES AND 
WIDERURGES 
IN APRIMI- 
TIVE SEPT. 



^ For Rose Point see Inishmacsaint. 
2 Mannequins' Pose. 

^ Their holy presumption and hers sinfly desprit. 
* Anama anamaba anamabapa. 

^ Only for he's fathering law I could skewer that old one and slosh her out 
many's the time but I thinks more of my pottles and ketts. 

^ All abunk for Tarararat! Look slipper, soppyhat, we've a doss in the 
manger. 

267 



Telltale me all 
of annaryllies. 



Will you carry 
my can and 
fight the fairies^ 



Allma Mathers^ 
Auctioneer. 



Old Gavelkind 
the Gamper and 
hes as daff as 
you re erse. 



if have faded from the fleur,^ their arms 
enlocked, (ringrang, the chimes of sex appeal- 
ing as conchitas with sentas stray ,2 rung !), all 
thinking all of it, the It with an itch in it, the All 
every inch of it, the pleasure each will preen her 
for, the business each was bred to breed by.^ 

Soon jemmijohns will cudgel about some 
a rhythmatick or other over Browne and 
Nolan's divisional tables whereas she, of 
minions' novence charily being cupid, for 
mug's wumping, grooser's grubbiness, andt's 
avarice and grossopper's grandegaffe, with her 
tootpettypout of jemenfichue will sit and knit 
on solfa sofa.^ Stew of the evening, booksyful 
stew. And a bodikin a boss in the Thimble 
Theatre. But all is her inbourne. Intend. From 
gramma's grammar she has it that if there is a 
third person, mascarine, phelinine or nuder, 
being spoken abad it moods prosodes from a 
person speaking to her second which is the 
direct object that has been spoken to, with and 
at. Take the dative with his oblative^ for, even 
if obsolete, it is always of interest, so spake 
gramma on the impetus of her imperative, only 
mind your genderous towards his reflexives 
such that I was to your grappa (Bott's trousend, 
hore a man uffi) when him was me hedon® 
and mine, what the lewdy saying, his analec- 
tual pygmyhop.' There is comfortism in the 



EARLY 
NOTIONS OF 
ACQUIRED 
RIGHTS AND 
THE INFLU- 
ENCE OF 
COLLECTIVE 
TRADITION 
UPON THE 
INDIVIDUAL. 



^ One must sell it to some one, the sacred name of love. 

2 Making it up as we goes along. 

3 The law of the jungerl. 

* Let me blush to think of all those halfwayhoist pullovers. 
^ I'd like his pink's cheek. 

" P>ech devil in red hairing! So that's why you ran away to sea, Mrs 
Lappy. Leap mc, Locklaun, for you have sensed ! 
' A washable lovable floatable doll. 



268 



I 



knowledge that often hate on first hearing 
comes of love by second sight. Have your 
little sintalks in the dunk of sub junctions, dual 
in duel and prude with pruriel, but even the 
aoriest chaparound whatever plaudered perfect 
anent prettydotes and haec genua omnia may 
perhaps chance to be about to be in the case to 
be becoming a pale peterwright in spite of all 
your tense accusatives whilstly you're wall- 
floored^ like your gerandiums for the better 
half of a yearn or sob. It's a wild's kitten, my 
dear, who can tell a wilkling from a warthog. 
For you may be as practical as is predicable 
but you must have the proper sort of accident 
to meet that kind of a being with a difference.^ 
Flame at his fumbles but freeze on his fist.^ 
Every letter is a godsend, ardent Ares, brusque 
Boreas and glib Ganymede like zealous Zeus, 
the O'Meghisthest of all. To me or not to me. 
Satis thy quest on. Werbungsap ! Jeg suis, vos 
JJndante wore a gentleman, thou arr, I am a quean. Is 

mnoroso, a game over? The game goes on. Cookcook! 

|.M. 50-50. Search me. The beggar the maid the bigger 

>vK€XaPov the mauler. And the greater the patrarc the 

griefer the pinch. And that's what your doctor 
knows. O love it is the commonknounest thing 
how it pashes the plutous and the paupe.* 
Pop I And egg she active or spoon she passive, 
all them fine clauses in Lindley's and Murrey's 
never braught the participle of a present to a 
desponent hortatrixy, vindicatively I say it. 



^ With her poodle feinting to be let off and feeling dead in herself. Is love 
worse living? 

- If she can't follow suit Renee goes to the pack. 

^ Improper frictions is maledictions and mens uration makes me mad. 
* Llong and Shortts Primer of Black and White Wenchcraft. 



269 



ril go for that 
small polly if 
you II suck to 
your lebbens- 
quatsch. 



O'MaraFarrelL 
Verse hwindibus. 



Ulstriay 



from her postconditional future.^ Lumpsome 
is who lumpsum pays. Quantity counts though 
accents faker. Yoking apart and oblique ora- 
tions parsed to one side, a brat, alanna, can 
choose from so many, be he a sollicitor's 
appendix, a pipe clerk or free functionist 
flyswatter, that perfect little cad, from the 
languors and weakness of limberlimbed lassi- 
hood till the head, back and heartaches of 
waxedup womanage and heaps on heaps of 
other things too. Note the Respectable Irish 
Distressed Ladies and the Merry Mustard 
Frothblowers of Humphreystown Associa- 
tions. Atac first, queckqueck quicks after. 
Beware how in that hist subtaile of schlangder^ 
lies liaison to tease oreilles ! To vert embowed 
set proper penchant. But learn from that ancient 
tongue to be middle old modern to the minute. 
A spitter that can be depended on. Though 
Wonderlawn's lost us for ever. Alis, alas, she ! 
broke the glass! Liddell lokker through the 
leafery, ours is mistery of pain.^ You may spin j 
on youthlit^s bike and multiplease your Mike 
and Nike with your kickshoes on the algebrars 
but, volve the virgil page and view, the O of 
woman is long when burly those two muters 
sequent her so from Nebob* see you never 
stray who'll nimm you nice and nehm the day. 

One hath just been areading, hath not one, 
ya, ya, in their memoiries of Hireling's puny 
wars, end so, und all, ga, ga, of The O'Brien, 



CONCOMI- 
TANCE OF 
COURAGE, 



^ The gaggles all out. 

2 He's just bug nuts on white mate he hasn't tlie teath nor the grits to choo 
and that's what's wrong with Lang Wang Wurm, old worbbling goesbelly. 

^ Dear and I trust in all frivolity I may be pardoned for trespassing but I 
think I may add hell. 

He is my all menkind of every desception. 



270 



i 
I 

L 



Monastir, 
Leninstar and 
Connecticut. 

Cliopatria, thy 
hosies history. 



The Eroico 
Furioso makes 
he valet like 
miling. 



I 



^he hyper ape the 
hink he groves the 
2oleyou see nowfor 
-ush sake^ chaw ley/ 



The O'Connor, The Mac Loughlin and The 
Mac Namara with summed their appondage, 
da, da, of Sire Jeallyous Seizer, that gamely 
torskmester,^ with his duo of druidesses in ready 
money rompers^ and the tryonforit of Oxthie- 
vious, Lapidous and Malthouse Anthemy. You 
may fail to see the lie of that layout, Suetonia,^ 
but the reflections which recur to me are that 
so long as beauty life is body love^ and so bright 
as Mutua of your mirror holds her candle to 
your caudle, lone lefthand likeless, sombring 
Autum of your Spring, reck you not one spirt 
of anyseed whether trigemelimen cuddle his 
coddle or nope. She'll confess it by her figure 
and she'll deny it to your face. If you're not 
ruined by that one she won't do you any 
whim. And then.^ What afters it.'^ Gruff Gunne 
may blow, Gam Gonna flow, the gossans eye 
the jennings aye. From the butts of Heber and 
Heremon, nolens volens^ brood our pansies, 
brune in brume. There's a split in the infinitive 
from to have to have been to will be. As they 
warred in their big innings ease now we never 
shall know. Eat early earthapples. Coax Cobra 
to chatters. Hail, Heva, we hear! This is the 
glider that gladdened the girl^ that list to the 
wind that lifted the leaves that folded the 
fruit that hung on the tree that grew in the 
garden Gough gave. Wide hiss, we're wizen- 



COUNSEL 
AND CON- 
STANCY. 
ORDINATION 
OF OMEN, 
ONUS AND 
OBIT. DIS- 
TRIBUTION 
OF DANGER, 
DUTY AND 
DESTINY. 
POLAR PRIN- 
CIPLES. 



^ All his teeths back to the front, then the moon and then the moon with 
a hole behind it. 

^ Skip one, flop fore, jennies in the cabbage store. 
^ None of your cumpohlstery English here! 

* Understudy my understandings, Sostituda, and meek thine compline- 
ment, gymnufleshed. 

^ Tho' I have one just like that to home, deadleaf brown with quicksilver 
appliques, would whollymost applissiate a nice shiny sleekysilk out of that 
slippering snake charmeuse. 

271 



Pige pas. 



Seidliti powther 
for slogan 
plumpers. 



Hoploits and 
atthems. 



ing. Hoots fromm, we're globing. Why hidest 
thou hinder thy husband his name? Leda, Lada, | 
aflutter-afraida, so does your girdle grow! 
Willed without witting, whorled without 
aimed. Pappapassos, Mammamanet, warwhets- 
wut and whowitswhy.^ But it's tails for 
toughs and titties for totties and come 
buckets come bats till deeleet.^ 

Dark ages clasp the daisy roots, Stop, if you 
are a sally of the allies, hot off Minnowaurs 
and naval actiums, picked engagements and 
banks of rowers. Please stop if you're a 
B.C. minding missy, please do. But should 
you prefer A.D. stepplease. And if you miss 
with a venture it serves you girly well glad. 
But, holy Janus, I was forgetting the Blitzen- 
kopfs! Here, Hengegst and Horsesauce, take 
your heads^ out of that taletub! And leave 
your hinnyhennyhindyou ! It's haunted. The 
chamber. Of errings. Whoan, tug, trace, 
stirrup! It is distinctly understouttered that, 
sense you threehandshighs put your twofoot- 
large timepates in that dead wash of Lough 
Murph and until such time pace one and the 
same Messherrn the grinning statesmen. Brock 
and Leon, have shunted the grumbling 
coundedtouts, Starlin and Ser Artur Ghinis. 
Foamous homely brew, bebattled by bottle, 
gageure de guegerre.* Bull igien bear and 
then bearagain bulligan. Gringrin gringrin. 
Staffs varsus herds and bucks vursus barks. 



PANOPTICAL 
PURVIEW OF 
POLITICAL 
PROGRESS 
AND THE 
FUTURE PRE- 
SENTATION 
OF THE PAST. 



' What's that, ma'am? says I. 

2 As you say yourself. 

^ That's the lethemuse but it washes off. 

* Where he fought the shessock of his stimmstammer and we caught the 
pepettes of our lovelives. 



272 



m 



Curragh 
machree, me 
bosthoon fiend, 

Femilies hug 
hank! 



' All we suffered 
under them Cow- 
dung Forks and 
how we enjoyed 
over our pick of 
the hasketfild. 
Old Kirns 
Meat Meal 



Fliefliefor the 
jillies and a 
bombambum 
for the 

nappotondus. 



\ 



By old Grumbledum's walls. Bumps, bellows 
and bawls.^ Opprimor's down, up up Opima! 
Rents and rates and tithes and taxes, wages, 
saves and spends. Heil, heptarched span of 
peace 1^ Live, league of lex, nex and the mores! 
Fas est dass and foe err you. Impovernment 
of the booble by the bauble for the bubble. So 
wrap up your worries in your woe (wumpum- 
tum!) and shake down the shuffle for the 
throw. For there's one mere ope^ for down- 
fall ned. As Hanah Levy, shrewd shroplifter, 
and nievre anore skidoos with her spoileds.* 
To add gay touches. For hugh and guy and 
goy and jew. To dimpled and pimpled and 
simpled and wimpled. A peak in a poke and a 
pig in a pew.^ She wins them by wons, a haul 
hectoendecate, forjmangay mumbo jumbjubes 
tak mutts and jeffs muchas bracelonettes 
gracies barcelonas.^ O what a loovely free- 
speech 'twas (tep)' to gar howalively hinter- 
grunting! Tip. Like lilt of larks to burdened 
crocodile,^ or skittering laubhing at that 
wheeze of old windbag, Blusterboss, blow- 
harding about all he didn't do. Hell o' your 
troop! With is the winker for the muckwits 
of willesly and nith is the nod for the umproar 
napollyon and hitheris poorblond piebold 
hoerse. Huirse. With its tricuspidal hauberk- 



^ Shake eternity and lick creation. 
^ I'm blest if I can see. 

^ Hoppity Huhneye, hoosh the hen. I like cluckers, you like nuts (wink). 
* Sweet, medium and dry like altar wine. 
^ Who'll buy me penny babies? 

® Well, Maggy, I got your castoff devils all right and fits lovely. And am 
vaguely graceful. Maggy dianks. 
' My six is no secret, sir, she said. 

® Yes, there, Tad, thanks, give, from, tathair, look at that now. 



273 



Murdoch. 



Pas ci*action, 
peu de sauce. 



From the seven 
tents of Joseph 
till the calends oj 
Mary Marian, 
olivehunkered 
and thorny too. 



As Shakefork 
might pitch it. 



helm coverchaf emblem on. For the man that 
broke the ranks on Monte Sin j on. The all- 
riddle of it? That that is allruddy with us, 
ahead of schedule, which already is plan accom- 
plished from and syne: Daft Dathy of the Five 
Positions (the death ray stop him!) is still, as 
reproaches Paulus, on the Madderhorn and, 
entre chats and hobnobs,^ daring Dunderhead 
to shiver his timbers and Hannibal mac Hamil- 
tan the Hegerite^ (more livepower elbow him !) 
ministerbuilding up, as repreaches Timothy, 
in Saint Barmabrac's.^ Number Thirty two 
West Eleventh streak looks on to that (may 
all in the tocoming of the sempereternal speel 
spry with it!) datetree doloriferous which 
more and over leafeth earlier than every 
growth and, elfshot, headawag, with frayed 
nerves wondering till they feeled sore like any 
woman that has been born at all events to the 
purdah and for the howmanyeth and how- 
movingth time at what the demons in that 
jackhouse that jerry built for Massa and Missus 
and hijo de puta, the sparksown fermament of 
the starryk fieldgosongingon where blows 
a nemone at each blink of windstilH they 
were sliding along and sleeting aloof and 
scouting around and shooting about. All- 
whichwhile or whereaballoons for good 
vaunty years Dagobert is in Clane's clean 
hometown prepping up his prepueratory 
and learning how to put a broad face bronzily 
out through a broken breached meataerial 



' Go up quick, stay so long, come down slow! 

2 If I gnows me gneesgnobs the both of him is gnatives of Genuas. 

^ A glass of peel and pip for Mr Potter of Texas, please. 

^ All the world loves a big gleaming jelly. 



274 



it 



l0 



m 



,1 
h 



I smell a cat. 



\Two makes a 
wing at the ma- 
croscope 
telluspeep. 



From the Buffalo 
Times of bysone 
days. 



yuick quake 
uokes the par- 
otbook of dates. 



from Bryan Awlining! Erin's hircohaired 
culoteer.^ 

And as, these things being so or ere those 
things having done, way back home in Pacata 
Auburnia,2 (untillably holy gammel Eire) one 
world burrowing on another, (if youVe got 
me, neighbour, in any large lumps, geek?, and 
got the strong of it) Standfest, our topiocal 
sagon hero, or any otther macotther, signs is 
on the bellyguds bastille back, bucked up with 
fullness, and silvering to her jubilee,^ birch- 
leaves her jointure, our lavy in waving, visage 
full of flesh and fat as a hen's i' forehead, 
Airyanna and Blowyhart topsirturvy, that 
royal pair in their palace of quicken boughs 
hight The Goat and Compasses ('phone 
number 17:69, if you want to know^) his sea- 
arm strongsround her, her velivole eyne aship- 
wracked, have discusst their things of the 
past, crime and fable with shame, home and 
profit,^ why lui lied to lei and hun tried to kill 
ham, scribbledehobbles, in whose veins runs 
a mixture of, are head bent and hard upon. 
Spell me the chimes. They are tales all tolled.* 
Today is well thine but where's may tomorrow 
be. But, bless his cowly head and press his 
crankly hat, what a world's woe is each's 



FROM CENG- 
GENETIC DI- 
CHOTOMY 
THROUGH 
DIAGONISTIC 
CONCILI- 
ANCE TO 
DYNASTIC 
CONTINU- 
ITY. 



^ A pengeneepy for your warcheekeepy. 

2 My globe goes gaddy at geography giggle pending which time I was 
looking for my shoe all through Arabia. 

^ It must be some bugbear in the gender especially when old which they 
all soon get to look. 

* After me looking up the plan in Humphrey's Justice of the Piece it said to 
see preseeding chaps. 

^ O boyjones and hairyoddities ! Only noane told missus of her massas 
behaving she would laugh that flat that after that she had sanked down on her 
fat arks they would shaik all to sheeks. 

® Traduced into jinglish janglage for the nusances of dolphins bom. 



275 



Some is out for 
twoheaded dul- 
carnons but more 
pulfers turnips. 

Omnitudes in a 
hnutshedelL 



For all us kids 
under his aegis. 



Saving the public 
his health. 



Superlative abso- 
lute of Porter- 
stown. 



other's weariness waiting to beadroll his own 
properer mistakes, the backslapping glad- 
hander,^ free of his florid future and the other 
singing likeness, dirging a past of bloody altars, 
gale with a blost to him, dove without gall. 
And she, of the jilldaw's nest^ who tears up 
lettereens she never apposed a pen upon.^ Yet 
sung of love and the monster man. What's 
Hiccupper to hem or her to Hagaba? Ough, 
ough, brieve kindli!* 

Dogs' vespers are anending. Vespertilia- 
bitur. Goteshoppard quits his gabhard cloke 
to sate with Becchus. Zumbock! Achevre! 
Yet wind will be ere fadervor^ and the hour of 
fruminy and bergoo bell if Nippon have pearls 
or opals Eldorado, the daindy dish, the leaking 
out! Gipoo, good oil! For (hushmagandy!) 
long 'tis till gets bright that all cocks waken 
and birds Diana^ with dawnsong hail. Aught 
darks flou a duskness. Bats that? There peepee- 
strilling. At Brannan's on the moor. At Tam 
Fanagan's weak yat his still's going Strang. 
And still here is noctules and can tell things 
acommon on by that fluffy feeling. Larges 
loomy wheelhouse to bodgbox*^ lumber up 
with hoodie hearsemen carrawain we keep 
is peace who follow his law, Sunday 



THE MON- 
GREL UNDER 
THE DUNG- 
MOUND. 
SIGNIFI- 
CANCE OF 
THE INFRA- 
LIMINAL IN- 
TELLIGENCE. 
OFFRANDES. 



^ He gives me pulpititions with his Castlecowards never in these twowsers 
and ever in those twawsers and then babeteasing us out of our hoydenname. 

2 My goldfashioned bother near drave me roven mad and I dyeing to 
keep my linefree face like readymaid maryangs for jollycomes smashing 
Holmes. 

^ What I would like is a jade louistone to go with the moon's increscent. 

* Parley vows the Askinwhose? I do, Ida. And how to call the catde black. 
Moopetsi meepotsi. 

^ I was so snug off in my apholster's creedle but at long leash I'll stretch 
more capritious in his dapplepied bed. 

• Pipette. I can almost feed their sweemess at my lisplips. 
' A liss in hunterland. 

276 



I 

I 

t 



Why so mucky 
pick bridges 
pan our Flumi- 
\ian road, 

^.C. Helmut's in 
he Cottonwood, 
Istnin, 

The throne is an 
mhrella strande 
nd a sceptre s a 
tick, 

'ady jewel y our 
'aktar deer, 

rautamed bud- 
\ers deossiphys- 
ig our Theas, 



y lineal in pon- 
is overthepoise. 



King.i His sevencoloured's soot (Ochone! 
Ochonal!)^ and his imponence one heap lump- 
block (Mogoul!). And rivers burst out like 
weeming racesround joy drinks for the fewnral- 
ly,^ where every feaster's a Foster's other, fian- 
nians all.* The wellingbreast, he willing giant, 
the mountain mourning his duggedy dew. To 
obedient of civicity in urbanious at felicity 
what'U yet meek Mike^ our diputy mimber when 
he's head on poll and Peter's burgess and Miss 
Mishy Mushy is tiptupt by Toft Taft. Boblesse 
gobleege. For as Anna was at the beginning 
lives yet and will return after great deap sleap 
rerising and a white night high with a cows of 
Drommhiem as shower as there's a wet en- 
clouded in Westwicklow or a little black rose a 
truant in a thorntree. We drames our dreams 
tell Bappy returns. And Sein annews. We will 
not say it shall not be, this passing of order and 
order's coming, but in the herbest country and 
in the country around Blath as in that city self 
of legionds they look for its being ever yet. So 
shuttle the pipers done.^ Eric aboy!^ And it's 
time that all paid tribute to this massive mor- 
tiality, the pink of punk perfection as photo- 
graphy in mud. Some may seek to dodge the 



^ I wonder if I put the old buzzerd one night to suckle in Millickmaam's 
honey like they use to emballem some of the special popes with a book in his 
hand and his mouth open. 

^ And a ripping rude rape in his lucreasious togery. 

^ Will ye nought would wet your weapons, warriors bard? 

* Roe, Williams, Bewey, Greene, Gorham, McEndicoth and Vyler, the 
lays of ancient homes. 

^ The stanidsglass effect, you could sugerly swear buttermilt would not 
melt down his dripping ducks. 

^ Thickathigh and Thinathews with sant their dam. 

' Oh, could we do with this waddled of ours like that redbanked profanian 
with his bakset of yosters. 

277 



Pitchcap and 
triangle^ noose 
and tinctunc. 



Uncle Flahbius 
Muximus to 
Niecia Flappia 
Minnimiss, As 
this is. And as 
this this is. 

Dear Brotus, 
land me arrears. 



Rockahyy bahel^ 
flatten a wall. 

How he broke the 
good news to 
Gent, 



gobbet for its quantity of quality but who 
wants to cheat the choker's got to learn to 
chew the cud. Allwhichhole scrubs on scroll 
circuminiuminluminatedhave encuoniams here 
and improperies there.^ With a pansy for the 
pussy in the corner.^ 

Bewise of Fanciulla's heart, the heart of 
Fanciulla! Even the recollection of willow 
fronds is a spellbinder that lets to hear.^ The 
rushes by the grey nuns' pond: ah eh oh let 
me sigh too. Coalmansbell: behoves you 
handmake of the load. Jenny Wren: pick, peck. 
Johnny Post: pack, puck.* All the world's in 
want and is writing a letters.^ A letters from a 
person to a place about a thing. And all the 
world's on wish to be carrying a letters. A let- 
ters to a king about a treasure from a cat.* 
When men want to write a letters. Ten men, 
ton men, pen men, pun men, wont to rise a 
ladder. And den men, dun men, fen men, fun 
men, hen men, hun men wend to raze a leader. 
Is then any lettersday from many peoples, 
Daganasanavitch? Empire, your outermost.' 
A posy cord. Piece. 

We have wounded our way on foe tris 
prince till that force in the gill is faint afarred 



INCIPIT IN- 
TERMISSIO. 



MAJOR AND 
MINOR 



^ Gosem pher, gezumpher, greeze a jarry grim felon! Good bloke him! 

^ And if they was setting on your stool as hard as my was she could beth 
her bothom dolours he'd have a culious impressiom on the diminitive that 
chafes our ends. 

^ When Tarn Enastella and am taken for Essastessa I'll do that droop on the 
pohlmann's piano. 

* Heavenly twinges, if it's one of his I'll fearly feint as swoon as he enter- 
rooms. 

^ To be slipped on, to be slept by, to be conned to, to be kept up. And when 
you're done push the chain. 
® With her modesties office. 

' Strutting as proud as a great turquin weggin that cuckhold on his Eddems 
and Clay's hat. 

278 



and the face in the treebark feigns afear. This 
is rainstones ringing. Strangely cuh for this 
ceasing of the yore. But Erigureen is ever. 
Pot price pon patrilinear plop, if the osseletion 
of the onkring gives omen nome.'^ Since alls 
war that end war let sports be leisure and 
bring and buy fair. Ah ah athclete, blest your 
bally bathfeet! Towntoquest, fortorest, the 
hour that hies is hurley. A halt for hearsake.^ 

^ Come, smooth of my slate, to the beat of my blosh! With all these gelded 
ewes jilting about and the thrills and ills of laylock blossoms three's so much 
more plants than chants for cecilies that I was thinking fairly killing times of 
putting an end to myself and my malody, when I remembered all your pupil- 
teacher's erringnesses in perfection class. You sh'undn't write you can't if you 
w'udn't pass for undevelopmented. This is the propper way to say that, Sr. If 
it's me chews to swallow all you saidn't you can eat my words for it as sure as 
there's a key in my kiss. Quick erit faciofacey. When we will conjugate to- 
gether toloseher tomaster tomiss while morrow fans amare hour, verbe de vie 
and verve to vie, with love ay loved have I on my back spine and does for 
ever. Your are me severe? Then rue. My intended, Jr, who I'm throne away 
on, (here he inst, my lifstack, a newfolly likon) when I slip through my pettigo 
I'll get my decree and take seidens when I'm not ploughed first by some 
Rolando the Lasso, and flaunt on the flimsyfilmsies for to grig my collage 
juniorees who, though they flush fuchsia, are they octette and viginity in my 
shade but always my figurants. They may be yea of my year but they're nary 
nay of my day. Wait till spring has sprung in spickness and prigs beg in to pry 
they'll be plentyprime of housepets to pimp and pamper my. Impending mar- 
riage. Nature tells everybody about but I learned all the runes of the gamest 
game ever from my old nourse Asa. A most adventuring trot is her and she 
vicking well knowed them all heartswise and fourwords. How Olive d'Oyly 
and Winnie Carr, bejupers, they reized the dressing of a salandmon and how a 
peeper coster and a salt sailor med a mustied poet atwaimen. It most have 
bean Mad Mullans planted him. Bina de Bisse and Trestrine von Terrefin. 
Sago sound, rite go round, kill kackle, kook kettle and (remember all should 
I forget to) bolt the thor. Auden. Wasn't it just divining that dog of a dag 
in Skokholme as I sat astrid uppum their Drewitt's altar, as cooledas as cul- 
cumbre, slapping my straights till the sloping ruins, postillion, postallion, a 
swinge a swank, with you offering me clouts of illscents and them horners 
stagstruck on the leasward! Don't be of red, you blanching mench! This 
Isabella I'm on knows the ruelles of the rut and she don't fear andy mandy. So 
sing loud, sweet cheeriot, like anegreon in heaven ! The good fother with the 
twingling in his eye will always have cakes in his pocket to bethroat us with 
for our allmichael good. Amum. Amum. And Amum again. For tough troth 
is stronger than fortuitous fiction and it's the surplice money, oh my young 
friend and ah me sweet creature, what buys the bed while wits borrows the 
clothes. 



MODES COA- 
LESCING 
PROLIFER- 
ATE HOMO- 
GENUINE 
HOMOGEN- 
EITY. 



279 



Bihelous hies- 
wry and Barbar- 
assa harestary. 



A shieling in cop^ 
fingers and por- 
rish soup all days. 

How matches 
metroosers? 



Le helos tombaut 
soul sur la jambe 
de marche. 



A scene at sight. Or dreamoneire. Which 
they shall memorise. By her freewritten 
Hopely for ear that annalykeses if scares for 
eye that sumns. Is it in the now woodwordings 
of our sweet plantation where the branchings 
then will singingsing tomorrows gone and 
yesters outcome as Satadays aftermoon lex 
leap smiles on the twelvemonthsminding? 
Such is. Dear (name of desired subject, A.N.), 
well, and I go on to. Shlicksher. I and we 
(tender condolences for happy funeral, one 
if) so sorry to (mention person suppressed for 
the moment, F.M.). Well (enquiries after all- 
healths) how are you (question maggy). A 
lovely (introduce to domestic circles) pershan 
of cates. Shrubsher. Those pothooks mostly 
she hawks from Poppa Vere Foster but these 
curly mequeues are of Mippa's moulding. 
Shrubsheruthr. (Wave gently in the ere turn- 
ing ptover.) Well, mabby (consolation of 
shopes) to soon air. With best from cinder 
Christinette if prints chumming, can be when 
desires Soldi, for asamples, backfronted or, 
if all, peethrolio or Get my Prize, using her 
flower or perfume or, if veryveryvery chum- 
ming, in otherwards, who she supposed adeal, 
kissists my exits. Shlicksheruthr. From Auburn 
chenlemagne. Pious and pure fair one, all has 
concomitated to this that she shall tread them 
lifetrees leaves whose silence hitherto has 
shone as sphere of silver fastalbarnstone, that 
fount Bandusian shall play liquick music and 
after odours sigh of musk. Blotsbloshblothe, 
one dear that was. Sleep in the water, drug at 
the fire, shake the dust off and dream your one 
who would give her sidecurls to. Till later 

280 



Mai maintenante 
lie est venuse. 



Twos Dons Johns 
^hrees Tony 
iskins. 



ilso Spuke 
erothruster. 



saxum shillum 
)r the sextum 
It nothums for 
lat parridge 



east. 



Lammas is led in by baith our washwives, a 
weird of wonder tenebrous as that evil thorn- 
garth, a field of faery blithe as this flowing wild. 

Aujourd'hui comme aux temps de Pline et de 
Columelle la jacinthe se plait dans les Gaules, 
la pervenche en Illyrie, la marguerite sur les 
mines de Numance^ et pendant quautour d'elles 
les villes ont changi de maitres et de noms, que 
plusieurs sont entrees dans le neanty que les 
civilisations se sont choquees et brisees^ leurs 
paisihles generations ont traversi les ages et sont 
arrivees jusqua nous, fraiches et riantes comme 
aux jours des batailles,^ 

Margaritomancy! Hyacinthinous pervinci- 
veness! Flowers. A cloud. But Bruto and 
Cassio are ware only of trifid tongues^ the 
whispered wilfulness, ('tis demonal!) and sha- 
dows shadows multiplicating (il folsoletto nel 
falsoletto col fazzolotto dal fuzzolezzo),* to- 
tients quotients, they tackle their quarrel. Sicka- 
moor's so woful sally. Ancient's aerger. And 
eachway bothwise glory signs. What if she 
love Sieger less though she leave Ruhm moan? 
That's how our oxyggent has gotten ahold of 
half their world. Moving about in the free of 
the air and mixing with the ruck. Enten eller, 
either or. 

And! 

Nay, rather! 



THE PART 
PLAYED BY 
BELLETRI- 
STICKS IN 
THE BELLUM- 
PAX-BEL- 
LUM. 

MUTUOMOR- 

PHOMUTA- 

TION. 



SORTES VIR- 
GINIANAE. 



INTERROGATION. 
EXCLAMATION. 



^ The nasal foss of our natal folkfarthers so so much now for Valsing- 
giddyrex and his grand arks day triump. 

2 Translout that gaswind into turfish, Teague, that's a good bog and you, 
Thady, poliss it off, there's a nateswipe, on to your blottom pulper. 

^ You daredevil donnelly, I love your piercing lots of lies and your flashy 
foreign mail so here's my cowrie card, I dalgo, with all my exes, wise and sad. 

* All this Mitchells is a niggar for spending and I will go to the length of 
seeing that one day Big Mig will be nickleless himself. 

281 



Tricks stunts. 



Truckeys cant 
for dactyl and 
spondee. 



Panoplous pere- 
grine pifflicative 
pomposity. 



ITS GIVE AND TAKE. 



AUSPICIUM. 
AUGURIA. 
DIVINITY 
NOT DEITY 
THE UNCER- 
TAINTY JUS- 
TIFIED BY 
OUR CERTI- 
TUDE. 
EXAMPLES. 



With sobs for his job, with tears antithesis of ambi- 
for his toil, with horror for his squalor dual anticipation. 
but with pep for his perdition,^ lo, the ^he mind factory, 
boor plieth as the laird hireth him. 
Boon on begyndelse. 
At maturing daily gloryaims!^ 
A flink dab for a freck dive and a stern poise 
for a swift pounce was frankily at the manual 
arith sure enough which was the bekase he 
knowed from his cradle, no bird better, why 
his fingures were giving him whatfor to fife 
with. First, by observation, there came boko 
and nigh him wigworms and nigh him tittlies 
and nigh him cheekadeekchimple and nigh 
him pickpocket with pickpocketpumb, pick- 
pocketpoint, pickpocketprod, pickpocket- 
promise and upwithem. Holy Joe in lay 
Eden.^ And anyhows always after them the 
dimpler he weighed the fonder fell he of his 
null four lovedroyd curdinals, his element cur- 
dinal numen and his enement curdinal marryng 
and his epulent curdinal weisswassh and his 
eminent curdinal Kay O'Kay. Always would 
he be reciting of them, hoojahs koojahs, up by 
rota, in his Fanden's catachysm from fursed to 
laced, quickmarch to decemvers, so as to pin the 
tenners, thumbs down. And anon and aldays, 
strues yerthere, would he wile arecreating em 
om lumerous ways, caiuscounting in the 
scale of pin puff pive piff, piff puff pive poo, 
poo puff pive pree, pree puff pive pfoor, pfoor 
puff pive pippive, poopive,* Niall Dhu, 

^ Wliile I'll wind the wildwoods' bluckbells among my window's weeds. 

Lawdy Dawdy Simpers. 
^ But where, O where, is me lickle dig done? 

* That's his whisper waltz I like from Pigott's with that Lancydancy step. 
Stop. 

282 



i 



Non plus ulstra, 
Elba, neCy c as hel- 
ium tuum. 



Dondderwedder 
KyhoshicksaL 



Foughty Unn, Enoch Thortig, endso one, like 
to pitch of your cap, pac, on to tin tall spilli- 
cans.^ To sum, borus pew notus pew eurus 
pew zipher. Ace, deuce, tricks, quarts, quims. 
Mumtiplay of course and carry to their whole 
number. While on the other hand, traduced 
by their comedy nominator to the loaferst 
terms for their aloquent parts, sexes, suppers, 
oglers, novels and dice.^ He could find (the 
rakehelly!) by practice the valuse of thine-to- 
mine articles with no reminder for an equality 
of relations and, with the helpings from his 
tables, improduce fullmin to trumblers, links 
unto chains, weys in Nuffolk till tods of 
Yorek, oozies ad libs and several townsends, 
several hundreds, civil-to-civil imperious 
gallants into gells (Irish), bringing alliving 
stone allaughing down to grave clothnails and 
a league of archers, fools and lurchers under 
the rude rule of fumb. What signifieth whole 
that^ but, be all the prowess of ten, 'tis as 
strange to relate he, nonparile to rede, rite and 
reckan, caught allmeals duUmarks for his 
nucleuds and alegobrew. They wouldn't took 
bearings no how anywheres. O them dodd- 
hunters and allanights, aabs and baas for 
agnomes, yees and zees for incognits, bate 
him up jerrybly! Worse nor herman doror- 
rhea. Give you the fantods, seemed to him. 
They ought to told you every last word first 
stead of trying every which way to kinder 
smear it out poison long. Show that the 

^ Twelve buttles man, twentyeight bows of curls, forty bonnets woman 
and ever youthfully yours makes alleven add the hundred. 

2 Gamester Damester in the road to Rouen he grows more like his deed 
every die. 

^ Slash-the-Pill lifts the pellet. Run, Phoenix, run! 

283 



J 



A stodge An- 
gleshman has 
been worked by 
eccentricity. 



An oxygon is na- 
turally reclined 
to rest. 



Ba be bi bo bum. 



median, hce che ech, interecting at royde 
angles the parilegs of a given obtuse one bis- 
cuts both the arcs that are in curveachord 
behind. Brickbaths. The family umbroglia. 
A Tullagrove pole^ to the Height of County 
Fearmanagh has a septain inclinaison^ and the 
graphplot for all the functions in Lower 
County Monachan, whereat samething is rivi- 
sible by nighttim, may be invoked into the 
zeroic couplet, palls pell inhis heventh glike 
noughty times oo, find, if you are not literally 
cooefficient, how minney combinaisies and per- 
mutandies can be played on the international 
surd! pthwndxrclzp!, bids cubid rute being 
extructed, taking anan illitterettes,ififif at a tom. 
Answers, (for teasers only).^ Ten, twent, thirt, 
see, ex and three icky totchty ones. From 
solation to solution. Imagine the twelve 
deaferended dumbbawls of the whowl above- 
beugled to be the contonuation through 
regeneration of the urutteration of the word 
in pregross. It follows that, if the two ante- 
sedents be bissyclitties and the three come- 
seekwenchers trundletrikes, then, Aysha Lali- 
pat behidden on the footplate, Big Whiggler* 
restant upsittuponable, the nCr^ presents to 
us (tandem year at lasted length!) an otto- 
mantic turquo-indaco of pictorial shine by 
pictorial shimmer so long as, gad of the gidday, 
pictorial summer, viridorefulvid, lits asheen, 



^ Dideney, Dadeney, Dudeney, O, I'd know that putch on your poll. 
2 That is tottinghim in his boots. 

^ Come all ye hapney coachers and support the richview press. 

* Braham Baruch he married his cook to Massach McKraw her uncle-in- 
law who wedded his widow to Hjalmar Kjaer who adapted his daughter to 
Braham the Bear. V for wadlock, P for shift, H for Lona the Konkubine. 

* A gee is just a jay on the jaunts cowsway. 

284 



Finnfinnotus of 



.incinnatu 



nirthurgink' s 

lussies and 
^verguins men. 



Jomdenombres/ 
'he balbearians. 



but (lenz alack lends a lot), if this habby cyclic 
erdor be outraciously enviolated by a mierelin 
roundtableturning, like knuts in maze, the zitas 
runnind hare and dart^ with the yeggs in 
their muddle, like a seven of wingless arrows, 
hodgepadge, thump, kick and hurry, all boy 
more missis blong him he race quickfeller all 
same hogglepiggle longer house blong him,^ 
while the catched and dodged exarx seems 
himmulteemiously to beem (he wins her hend! 
he falls to tail!) the ersed ladest mand^ and 
(uhu and uhud!) the losed farce on erro- 
roots,* twalegged poneys and threehandled 
dorkeys (madahoy, morahoy, lugahoy, jog- 
ahoyaway) mPm brings us a rainborne pamto- 
momiom, aqualavant to (cat my dogs, if I 
baint dingbushed like everything!) kaksitoista 
volts yksitoista volts kymmenen volts yhdek- 
san volts kahdeksan volts seitseman volts kuusi 
volts viisi volts nelja volts kolme volts kaksi 
volts yksi!allahthallacamellated, caravan series 
to the finish of helve's fractures.^ In outher 
wards, one from five, two to fives ones, one 
from fives two millamills with a mill and a 
half a mill and twos twos fives fives of bully 
clavers. For a surview over all the factionables 
see Iris in the Evenine's World.^ Binomeans 
to be comprendered. Inexcessible as thy by 
god ways. The aximones. And their prosta- 



^ Talking about trilbits. 

^ Barneycorrall, a precedent for the prodection of curiosity from children. 
^ A pfurty pscore of ruderic rossies haremhorde for his divelsion. 

* Look at your mad father on his boneshaker fraywhaling round Myriom 
square. 

^ Try Asia for the assphalt body with the concreke soul and the forequarters 
of the moon behinding out of his phase. 

* Tomatoes malmalaid with De Quinceys salade can be tastily served with 
Indiana Blues on the violens. 

285 



Vive Paco 
Hunter/ 

The hoisted in 
red and the low- 
ered in black. 



The boss's bess 
bass is the browd 
of Mullingar. 



OF COM- 
MONEST EX- 
PERIENCES 
BEFORE APO- 
THEOSIS OF 
THE LUSTRAL 
PRINCIPIUM. 



The aliments of 
jiimeantry. 



lutes. For his neuralgiabrown. 
Equal to = aosch. 

P.t.l.O.a.t.O. HEPTAGRAMMATON. 

So, bagdad, after those initials falls and that hypotheses 
primary taincture, as I know and you know 
yourself, begath, and the arab in the ghetto 
knows better, by nettus, nor anymeade or 
persan, comic cuts and series exerxeses always 
were to be capered in Casey's frost book of, 
page torn on dirty, to be hacked at Hickey's, 
hucksler, Wellington's Iron Bridge, and so, by 
long last, as it would shuffle out, must he to 
trump adieu atout atous to those cardinhands 
he a big deal missed, radmachrees and rosse- 
cullinans and blagpikes in suitclover. Dear 
hearts of my counting, would he revoke them, 
forewheel to packnumbers, and, the time being 
no help fort, plates to lick one and turn over. 

Problem ye ferst, construct ann aquilittoral 
dryankle Probe loom ! With his primal hand- 
stoe in his sole salivarium. Concoct an equo- 
angular trillitter.^ On the name of the tizzer 
and off the tongs and off the mythametical 
tripods. Beatsoon. 

Can you nei do her, numb.'^ asks Dolph,^ 
suspecting the answer know. Oikkont, ken 
you, ninny.'^ asks Kev,^ expecting the answer 
guess.^ Nor was the noer long disappointed 
for easiest of kisshams, he was made vicewise. 
Oc, tell it to oui, do, Sem! Well, 'tis oil thusly. 
First mull a mugfuU of mud, son.^ Oglores, 



INGENIOUS 
LABOUR- 
TENACITY 
AS BETWEEN 
INGENUOUS 
AND LIBERTINE. 

PROPE AND 
PROCUL IN 
THE CON- 
VERGENCE 
OF THEIR 
CONTRAPUL- 
SIVENESS. 



^ As Rhombulus and Rhebus went building rhomes one day. 

2 The trouveller. 

^ Of the disorded visage. 

* Singlebarrelled names for doubleparalleled twixtytwins. 

^ Like pudging a spoon fist of sugans into a sotspot of choucolout. 

286 




1 



w 

J/ ill 




the virtuoser prays, olorum! What the D.V. 
would I do that for? That's a goosey's gans- 
wer you're for giving me, he is told, what the 
Deva would you do that for?^ Now, sknow 
royol road to Puddlin, take your mut for a 
first beginning, big to bog, back to bach. 
Wolsherwomens Anny liffle mud which cometh out of Mam 
at their weirdst, will doob, I guess. A.i. Amnium instar. And 
to find a locus for an alp get a howlth on her 
bayrings as a prisme O and for a second O 
unbox your compasses. I cain but are you 
able.'^ Amicably nod. Gu it! So let's seth off 
betwain us. Prompty.'* Mux your pistany at a 
point of the coastmap to be called a but pro- 
nounced olfa. There's the isle of Mun, ah! 
O! Tis just. Benel Now, whole in applepine 
odrer^ 

(for — husk, hisk, a spirit spires — Dolph, dean of idlers, meager 
suckling of gert stoan, though barekely a balbose boy, he too, — 
venite, preterm,^ sine mora dumque de entibus nascituris decentius in 
lingua romana mortuorum parva chartula liviana ostenditur, seden- 
tes in letitiae super ollas carnium^ spectantes immo situm lutetiae unde 
auspiciis secundis tantae consurgent humanae stirpes, antiquissimam 
flaminum amhorium Jordani et Jamhaptistae mentihus revolvamus 
sapientiam: totum tute fluvii modo mundo fluere, eadem quae ex 
aggere fututa fuere iterum inter alveum fore futura, quodlihet sese 
ipsum per aliudpiam agnoscere contrarium, omnem demun amnem 
ripis rivalibus amplecti^ — recurrently often, when him moved he 
would cake their chair, coached rebelliumtending mikes of his 
same and over his own choirage at Backlane Univarsity, among of 
which pupal souaves the pizdrool was pulled up, bred and bat- 

^ Will you walk into my wave trap? said the spiter to the shy. 
2 If we each could always do all we ever did. 
^ Dope in Canorian words we've made. Spish from the Doc. 
* Basqueesh, Finnican, Hungulash and Old Teangtaggle, the only pure 
way to work a curse. 

287 



tered, for a dillon a dollar,^ chanching letters for them vice oVerse 
to bronze mottes and blending tschemes for em in tropadores and 
doublecressing twofold thruths and devising tingling tailwords 
too whilest, cunctant that another would finish his sentence for 
him, he druider would smilabit eggways^ ned, he, to don't say 
nothing, would, so prim, and pick upon his ten ordinailed ungles, 
trying to undo with his teeth the knots made by his tongue, 
retelling humself by the math hour, long as he's brood, a reel of 
funnish ficts apout the shee, how faust of all and on segund 
thoughts and the thirds the charmhim girlalove and fourther- 
more and filthily with bag from Oxatown and baroccidents and 
proper accidence and hoptohill and hexenshoes, in fine the whole 
damning letter; and, in point of feet, when he landed in ourland's 
leinster^ of saved and solomnones for the twicedhecame time, off 
Lipton's strongbowed launch, the Lady Eva^ in a tan soute of 
sails* he converted it's nataves, name saints, young ordnands, 
maderaheads and old unguished P.T. Publikums, through the 
medium of znigznaks with sotiric zeal, to put off the barcelonas^ 
from their peccaminous corpulums (Gratings, Mr Dane!) and 
kiss on their bottes (Master!) as often as they came within blood- 
shot of that other familiar temple and showed «m the celestine 
way to by his tristar and his flop hattrick and his perry humdrum 
dumb and numb nostrums that he larned in Hymbuktu,^ and that 
same galloroman cultous is very prevailend up to this windiest of 
landhavemiseries all over what was beforeaboots a land of nods, in 
spite of all the bloot, all the braim, all the brawn, all the brile, that 
was shod, that were shat, that was shuk all the while, for our 
massangrey if mosshungry people, the at Wickerworks,^ still hold 

^ An ounceworth of onions for a pennyawealth of sobs. 

2 Who brought us into the yellow world ! 

3 Because it's run on the mountain and river system. 

* When all them allied sloopers was ventitillated in their poppos and, 
sliding down by creek and veek, stole snaking out to sea. 

^ They were plumped and plumed and jerried and citizens and racers, and 
cinnamondhued. 

® Creeping Crawleys petery parley, banished to his native Ireland from 
erring under Ryan. 

' Had our retrospectable fearfurther gatch mutchtatches.^ 

288 



ford to their healing and^ byleave in the old weights downupon 
the Swanny, innovated by him, the prence di Propagandi, the 
chrism for the christmass, the pillar of the perished and the rock 
o'ralereality, and it is veritably belied, we belove, that not allsods 
of esoupcans that's in the queen's pottage post and not allfinesof 
greendgold that the Indus contains would overhinduce them, 
(o.p.) to steeplechange back once from their ophis workship and 
twice on sundises, to their ancient flash and crash habits of old 
Pales time ere beam slewed cable^ or Derzherr, live wire, fired 
Benj ermine Funkling outa th'Empyre, sin righthand son; which, 
cummal, having listed curefully to the interlocking and the under- 
lacking of her twentynine shifts or his continental's curses, pum- 
mel, apostrophised Byrne's and Flamming's and Furniss's and 
Bill Hayses's and Ellishly Haught's, hoc, they (t.a.W.), sick 
or whole, stiff or sober, let drop as a doombody drops, with- 
out another ostrovgods word eitherways, in their own lineal 
descendance, as priesto as puddywhack,^ coal on:* and, as we 
gang along to gigglehouse, talking of molniacs' manias and 
missions for mades to scotch the schlang and leathercoats for 
murty magdies, of course this has blameall in that medeoturanian 
world to say to blessed by Pointer the Grace's his privates judges 
ments^ whenso to put it, disparito, duspurudo, desterrado, des- 
pertieu^ or, saving his presents for his own onefriend Bevradge, 
Conn the Shaughraun; but to return for a moment from the 
reptile's age^ to the coxswain on the first landing (page Ainee 
Riviere!) if the pretty Lady Elisabbess, Hotel des Ruines — she 
laid her batsleeve for him two trueveres tell love (on the Ides of 
Valentino's, at Idleness, Floods Area, Isolade, Liv's lonely 
daughter, with the Comes Tichiami, of Prima Vista, Abroad, 
suddenly), and beauty alone of all dare say when now, uncrowned, 

^ That is to sight, when cleared of factions, vulgure and decimating. 
2 They just spirits a body away. 
^ Patatapadatback. 

* Dump her (the missuse). 
^ Fox him! The leggy coh! 

* Do he not know that walleds had wars. Harring man, is neow king. This 
is modeln times. 



289 



dcceptered, in what niche of time^ is Shee or where in the rose 
world trysting, that was the belle of La Chapelle, shapely Liselle^ 
and the peg-of-my-heart of all the tompull or on whose limbs-to- 
lave her semicupiose eyes now kindling themselves are brightning,^ 
O Shee who then (4.32 m.p., old time, to be precise, according to 
all three doctors waterburies that was Mac Auliffe and poor Mac- 
Beth and poor MacGhimley to the tickleticks, of the synchron- 
isms, all lauschening, a time also confirmed seven sincuries later by 
the quatren medical johnny, poor old MacAdoo MacDollett, with 
notary,^ whose presence was required by law of Devine Fore- 
sygth and decretal of the Douge) who after the first compliments* 
med darkist day light, gave him then that vantage of a Blinken- 
sope's cuddlebath at her proper mitts — if she then, the then that 
matters, — but, seigneur I she could never have forefelt, as she yet 
will fearfeel, when the lovenext breaks out, such a coolcold 
douche as him, the totterer, the four-flights-the-charmer, doub- 
ling back, in nowtime,^ bymby when saltwater he wush him these 
iselands, O alorsl, to mount miss (the wooeds of Fogloot!) under 
that chemise de fer and a vartryproof name, Multalusi (would it 
wash?) with a cheek white peaceful as, wen shall say, a single pro- 
fessed claire's® and his washawash tubatubtub and his diagonoser's 
lampblick, to pure where they where hornest girls, to buy her in 
par jure^ il you plait, nuncandtunc and for simper, and other duel 
mavourneens in plurible numbers from Arklow Vikloe to Louth 
super Luck, come messes, come mams, and touch your spottprice 
(for 'twas he was the born suborner, man) on behalf of an oldest 
ablished firma of winebakers, Lagrima and Gemiti, later on, his 
craft ebbing, invoked by the unirish title, Grindings of Nash,' the 

^ Muckross Abbey witli the creepers taken off. 
2 Joke and Jilt will have their tilt. 
^ Old Mamalujorum and Rawrogerum. 
* Why have these puerile blonds those large flexible ears.'' 
^ Pomeroy Roche of Portobello, or the Wreck of the Ragamuffin. 
® No wonder Miss Dotsh took to veils and she descended from that 
obloquohy. 

' The bookley with the rusin's hat is Patomkin but I'm blowed if I knowed 
who the slave is doing behind the curtain. 



290 



One and Only, Unic bar None, of Saint Yves by Landsend com- 
wer, man — ship me silver!, it must have been, faw! a terrible 
mavrue mavone, to synamite up the old Adam-he-used-to, such a 
finalley, and that's flat as Tut's fut, for whowghowho? the poour 
girl, a lonely peggy, given the bird, so inseuladed as Crampton's 
peartree, (she sail eurn bitter bed by thirt sweet of her face!), and 
short wonder so many of the tomthick and tarry members in all 
there subsequious ages of our timocracy tipped to console with her 
at her mirrorable gracewindow'd hut^ till the ives of Man, the 
O'Kneels and the OTrayins and the O'Hyens of Lochlaunstown 
and the O'Hollerins of Staneybatter, hollyboys, all, burryripe 
who'll buy?,^ in juwelietry and kickychoses and madornaments 
and that's not the finis of it (would it were!) — but to think of him 
foundling a nelliza the second,^ also cliptbuss (the best was still 
there if the torso was gone) where he did and when he did, re- 
triever to the last* — escapes my forgetness now was it dust- 
covered, mm de Lieu ! on lapse or street ondown, through, for or 
from a foe, by with as on a friend, at the Rectory? Vicarage Road? 
Bishop's Folly? Papesthorpe?, after picket fences, stonewalls, out 
and ins or oxers — for merry a valsehood whisprit he to manny a 
lilying earling;^ and to try to analyse that ambo's pair of brace- 
leans akwart the rollyon trying to amarm all^ of that miching 
micher's bearded but insensible virility and its gaulish mous- 
taches, Dammad and Groany, into her limited {tuff, tuff, que tu es 
pitrel) lapse at the same slapse for towelling ends' in their dolight- 
ful Sexsex home, Somehow-at-Sea (O little oily head, sloper's 
brow and prickled ears!) as though he, a notoriety, a foist edition, 
were a wrigular writher neonovene babe !® — well, diarmuee and 

lOhcelOhce! 

^ Six and seven the League. 

^ It's all round me hat I'll wear a drooping dido. 

* Have you ever thought of a hitching your stem and being ourdeaned, 
Mester Bootenfly, here's me and Myrtle is twinkling to know. 
^ To show they caught preferment. 
^ See the freeman's cuticatura by Fennella. 
' Just one big booty's pot. 

® Charles de Simples had an infirmierity complexe before he died a natural 
death. 

291 



granyou and Vae Vinctis^ if that is what lamoor that of gentle 
breast rathe is intaken seems circling toward out yondest (it's 
life that's all chokered by that batch of grim rushers) heaven 
help his hindmost and, mark mo, if the so greatly displeaced 
diorems in the Saint Lubbock's Day number of that most improv- 
ing of roundshows. Spice and Westend Woman (utterly exhausted 
before publication, indiapepper edition shortly), are for our in- 
dices, it agins to pear like it, par my fay, and there is no use for your 
pastripreaching for to cheesse it either or praying fresh fleshblood 
claspers of young catholick throats on Huggin Green^ to take 
warning by the prispast, why?, by cows * . * man, in shirt, is how 
he is piu la gonna e mobile and . * . they wonet do ut; and, an you 
could peep inside the cerebralised saucepan of this eer illwinded 
goodfornobody, you would see in his house of thoughtsam (was 
you, that is, decontaminated enough to look discarnate) what a 
jetsam litterage of convolvuli of times lost or strayed, of lands 
derelict and of tongues laggin too, longa yamsayore, not only that 
but, search lighting, beached, bashed and beaushelled d la Mer 
pharahead into faturity, your own convolvulis pickninnig capman 
would real to jazztfancy the novo takin place of what stale words 
whilom were woven with and fitted fairly featly for, so; and 
equally so, the crame of the whole faustian fustian, whether your 
launer's lightsome or your soulard's schwearmood, it is that, 
whenas the swiftshut scareyss of our pupilteachertaut duplex will 
hark back to lark to you symibellically that, though a day be as 
dense as a decade, no mouth has the might to set a mearbound to 
the march of a landsmaul,^ in half a sylb, helf a solb, holf a salb on- 
ward^ the beast of boredom, common sense, lurking gyrographi- 
cally down inside his loose Eating S.S. collar is gogoing of 
whisth to you sternly how — Plutonic loveliaks twinnt Platonic 
yearlings — you must, how, in undivided reawlity draw the line 
somewhawre) 

^ Where Buickly of the Glass and Bellows pumped the Rudge engineral. 
2 Matter of Brettaine and brut fierce. 

^ Bussmullah, cried Lord Wolsley, how me Aunty Mag'll row! 



292 



i 



teralterance or 
e Interplay of 
ones in the 
'^omb. 



he Vortex, 
mng of Sprung 
erse. The Ver- 



Coss? Cossist? Your parn! You, you make 
what name? (and in truth, as a poor soul is 
between shift and shift ere the death he has 
lived through becomes the life he is to die 
into, he or he had albut — he was rickets as to 
reasons but the balance of his minds was 
stables — lost himself or himself some som- 
nione sciupiones, soswhitchoverswetch had 
he or he gazet, murphy come, murphy go, 
murphy plant, murphy grow, a maryamyria- 
meliamurphies, in the lazily eye of his lapis, 




WHY MY AS 
LIKEWISE 
WHIS HIS. 



Vieus Von DVbLIn, 'twas one of dozedeams 
a darkies ding in dewood) the Turnpike under 
the Great Ulm (with Mearingstone in Fore 
ground).^ Given now ann linch you take enn 
all. Allow me! And, heaving alljawbreakical 
expressions out of old Sare Isaac's^ universal 
of specious aristmystic unsaid, A is for Anna 
like L is for liv. Aha hahah. Ante Ann you're 
apt to ape aunty annalive! Dawn gives rise. 
Lo, lo, lives love! Eve takes fall. La, la, laugh 
leaves alass! Aiaiaiai, Antiann, we're last to 
the lost, Loulou! Tis perfect. Now (lens 



^ Draumcondra's Dreamcountry where the betterlies blow. 

2 O, Laughing Sally, are we going to be toadhauntered by that old Pantifox 

Sir Somebody Something, Burtt, for the rest of our secret stripture? 



293 



Sarga, or the 
path of outgoing. 



Docetism and 
Didicism^ Maya- 
Thaya. Tamas- 
Rajas-Sattvas, 



your dappled yeye here, mine's presbyoperian, 
shill and wall) we see the copyngink strayed- 
line AL (in Fig., the forest) from being con- 
tinued, stops ait Lambday^: Modder ilond 
there too. Allow me anchore! I bring down 
noth and carry awe. Now, then, take this in! 
One of the most murmurable loose caroUaries 
ever Ellis threw his cookingclass. With Olaf 
as centrum and OlaPs lambtail for his spokes- 
man circumscript a cyclone. Allow ter! Hoop! 
As round as the calf of an egg! O, dear 
me! O, dear me now! Another grand dis- 
cobely! After Makefearsome's Ocean. You've 
actuary entducked one! Quok! Why, you 
haven't a passer! Fantastic! Early clever, 
surely doomed, to Swift's, alas, the galehus! 
Match of a matchness, like your Bigdud dadder 
in the boudeville song, Gorotsky Gollovars 
Troubles^ raucking his flavourite turvku in 
the smukking precincts of lydias,^ with Mary 
Owens and Dolly Monks seesidling to edge 
his cropulence and Blake-Roche, Kingston 
and Dockrell auriscenting him from afurz, our 
papacocopotl,^ Abraham Bradley King.^ (tirig 
ting! ting ting!) By his magmasine fall. Lumps, 
lavas and all.'* Bene! But, thunder and turf, it's 
not alover yet! One recalls Byzantium. The 
mystery repeats itself todate as our callback 
mother Gaudyanna, that was daughter to a 
tanner,^ used to sing, as I think, now and then 
consinuously over her possetpot in her quer 



^ Ex jup pep off Carpenger Strate. The kids' and dolls' home. Makeacake- 
ache. 

^ A vagrant need is a flagrant weed. 

^ Grand for blowing off steam when you walk up in the morning. 
* At the foot of Bagnabun Banbasday was lost on one. 
^ We're all found of our anmal matter. 



294 



ft/ 

ml 



The Vegetable 
\Cell and its Pri- 
vate Properties, 



^he haves and 
le havenots: a 
Istinction, 



homolocous humminbass hesterdie and ist- 
herdie forivor.^ Vanissas Vanistatums ! And 
for a night of thoughtsendyures and a day. As 
Great Shapesphere puns it. In effect, I re- 
mumble, from the yules gone by, purr lil mur- 
rerof myhind, so she used indeed. When she 
give me the Sundaclouths she hung up for 
Tate and Comyng and snuffed out the ghost 
in the candle at his old game of haunt the 
sleepper. Faithful departed. When Fm dream- 
ing back like that I begins to see we're only 
all telescopes. Or the comeallyoum saunds. 
Like when I dromed I was in Dairy and was 
wuckened up with thump in thudderdown. 
Rest in peace! But to return.^ What a wonder- 
ful memory you have too! Twonderful 
morrowy ! Straorbinaire ! Bene! I bring town 
eau and curry nothung up my sleeve. Now, 
springing quickenly from the mudland Loosh 
from Luccan with AUhim as her Elder tetra- 
turn a somersault. All's fair on all fours, as 
my instructor unstrict me. Watch ! And you'll 
have the whole inkle. Allow, allow! Gyre O, 
gyre O, gyrotundo! Hop lala! As umpty 
herum as you seat! O, dear me, that was very 
nesse! Very nace indeed! And makes us a 
daintical pair of accomplasses ! You, alius for 
the kunst and me for omething with a handel 
to it. Bevel Now, as will pressantly be felt, 
there's tew tricklesome poinds where our 
twain of doubling bicirculars, mating approxe- 
metely in their suite poi and poi, dunloop 
into eath the ocher. Lucihere. ! I fee where you 



^ Sewing up the beillybursts in their buckskin shiorts for big Kapitayn 
Killykook and the Jukes of Kelleiney. 

2 Say where ! A timbrelfill of twinkletinkle. 



Zweispaltung as 
Fundemaintalish 
of IViederher- 
stellung. 



mea. The doubleviewed seeds. Nun, lemmas 
quatsch, vide pervoys akstiom, and I think as 
Fm suqeez in the limon, stickme punctum, but 
for semenal rations I'd likelong, by Araxes, 
to mack a capital Pee for Pride down there 
on the batom^ where Hoddum and Heave, our 
monsterbilker, balked his bawd of parodies. 
And let you go, Airmienious, and mick your 
modest mock Pie out of Humbles up your 
end. Where your apexojesus will be a point 
of order. With a geing groan grunt and a 
croak click cluck.^ And my faceage kink and 
kurkle trying to make keek peep.^ Are you 
right there, Michael, are you right.'^ Do you 
think you can hold on by sitting tight.'^ Well, 
of course, it's awful angelous. Still I don't feel 
it's so dangelous. Ay, I'm right here. Nickel, 
and I'll write. Singing the top line why it 
suits me mikey fine. But, yaghags hogwarts 
and arrahquinonthiance, it's the muddest thick 
that was ever heard dump since Eggsmather 
got smothered in the plap of the pfan. Now, 
to compleat anglers, beloved bironthiarn and 
hushtokan hishtakatsch, join alfa pea and 
pull loose by dotties and, to be more 
sparematically logoical, eelpie and paleale by 
trunkles. Alow me align while I encloud 
especious! The Nike done it. Like pah,'* I peh. 
Innate little bondery. And as plane as a poke 
stifT.^ Now, aqua in buccal. I'll make you to 
see figuratleavely the whome of your eternal 



^ Parsee ffrench for the upholdsterer would be delightered. 
2 I'll pass out if the screw spliss his strut. 

^ Thargam then goeligum? If you sink I can, swimford. Suksumkale 
* Hasitatense? 

^ The impudence of that in girl's things! 

296 



jlm 



hi 



Destiny i In- 
fluence of Design 
upon. 



Prometheus or 
the Promise of 
Provision, 



geomater. And if you flung her headdress on 
her from under her highlows you'd wheeze 
whyse Salmonson set his seel on a hexen- 
gown.i Hissssl, Arrah, go on! Fin for fun! 
You've spat your shower like a son of Sibernia 
but let's have at it! Subtend to me now! Pisk! 
Outer serpumstances beiug ekewilled, we care- 
fully, if she pleats, lift by her seam hem and 
jabote at the spidsiest of her trickkikant (like 
thousands done before since fillies calpered. 
Ocone ! Ocone !) the maidsapron of our A.L.P., 
fearfully ! till its nether nadir is vortically where 
(allow me aright to two cute winkles) its naval's 
napex will have to beandbe. You must proach 
near mear for at is dark. Lob. And light 
your mech. Jeldy ! And this is what you'll say.^ 
Waaaaaa. Tch ! Sluice 1 Pla 1 And their, redneck, 
(for addn't we to gayatsee with Puhl the Pun- 
kah's bell?) mygh and thy, the living spit of 
dead waters,^ fastness firm of Hurdlebury Fenn, 
discinct and isoplural in its (your sow to 
the duble) sixuous parts, flument, fluvey and 
fluteous, midden wedge of the stream's your 
muddy old triagonal delta, fiho miho, plain 
for you now, appia lippia pluvaville, (hop the 
hula, girls 1) the no niggard spot of her safety 
vulve, first of all usquiluteral threeingles, (and 
why wouldn't she sit cressloggedlike the lass 
that lured a tailor.^) the constant of fluxion, 
Mahamewetma, pride of the province^ and 
when that tidied boare rutches up from the 
Afrantic, allaph quaran's his bett und bier!^ 

^ The chape of Dona Speranza of the Nacion. 
2 Ugol egal ogle. Mi vidim Mi. 
^ It is, it is Sangannon's dream. 
* And all meinkind. 

^ Whangpoos the paddle and whiss whee whoo. 
297 



Ambages and 
Their Role, 



Ecclasiasdcal 
and Celestial 
Hierarchies. The 
Ascending. The 
Descending. 



The peripatetic 
periphery. Its 
Alio thesis. 



Paa lickam laa lickam, apl Ipa! This it is an her. 
You see her it. Which it whom you see it is 
her. And if you could goaneggbetter we'd soon 
see some raffant scrumala riffa. Quicks herit 
fossyending. Quef ! So post that to your pape 
and smarket ! And you can haul up that languil 
pennant, mate. Fve read your tune's dimissage. 
For, let it be taken that her littlenist is of no 
magnetude or again let it be granted that Doll 
the laziest can be dissimulant with all respects 
from Doll the fiercst, thence must any what- 
youlike in the power of empthood be either 

greater THa N or less THaN the unitate we 
have in one or hence shall the vectorious ready- 
eyes of evertwo circumflicksrent searclhers 
never film in the elipsities of their gyribouts 
those fickers which are returnally reprodictive 
of themselves.^ Which is unpassible. Quarrel- 
lary. The logos of somewome to that base any- 
thing, when most characteristically mantissa 
minus, comes to nullum in the endth:- orso, 
here is nowet badder than the sin of Aha with 
his cosin Lil, verswaysed on coverswised, and 
all that's consecants and cotangincies till Per- 
perp stops repippinghim since her redtangles 
are all abscissan for limitsing this tendency of 
our Frivulteeny Sexuagesima^ to expense her- 
selfs as sphere as possible, paradismic peri- 
mutter, in all directions on the bend of the 
unbridalled, the inflnisissimalls of her facets 
becoming manier and manier as the calicolum 
of her umdescribables (one has thoughts of 
that eternal Rome) shrinks from schurtiness 

* I enjoy as good as anyone. 

* Neither a soul to be saved nor a body to be kicked. 
^ The boast of the town. 

298 



f; 
0, 
fl 



Canine Venus 
sublimated to 
Aulidic 
Aphrodite, 



Exclusivism: the 
Ors, Sors and 
Fors^ which^ 



to scherts.^ Scholium, there are trist sigheds to 
everysing but ichs on the freed brings euchs to 
the feared. Qued? Mother of us all! O, dear 
me, look at that now! I don't know is it your 
spictre or my omination but Fm glad you 
dimentioned it! My Lourde! My Lourde! If 
that aint just the beatenest lay I ever see! And 
a superpbosition! Quoint a quincidence! O.K. 
Omnius Kollidimus, As Ollover Krumwall 
sayed when he slepped ueber his grannya- 
mother. Kangaroose feathers. Who in the name 
of thunder'd ever belevin you were that bolt.^ 
But you're holy mooxed and gaping up the 
wrong palce^ as if you was seeheeing the gheist 
that stays forenenst, you blessed simpletop 
domefool! Where's your belested loiternan's 
lamp? You must lap wandret down the bluish- 
ing refluction below. Her trunk's not her brain- 
box. Hear where the bolgylines, Yseen here the 
puncture. So he done it. Luck! See her good. 
Well, well, well, well! O dee, O dee, that's 
very lovely ! We like Simperspreach Hammel- 
tones to fellow Selver tunes O'Haggans.^ When 
he rolls over his ars and shows the hise of his 
heels. Vely lovely entilely! Like a yangsheep- 
slang with the tsifengtse. So analytical plaus- 
ible ! And be the powers of Moll Kelly, neigh- 
bour topsowyer, it will be a lozenge to me all 
my lauffe.* More better twofeller we been speak 
copperads. Ever thought about Guinness's.^ 
And the regrettable Parson Rome's advice.'^ 

^ Hen's bens, are we soddy we missiled her? 
^ I call that a scumhead. 

^ Pure chingchong idiotism with any way words all in one soluble. Gee 
each owe tea eye smells fish. That's U. 

*The Doodles family, PI, A , O , A, C. Hoodie doodle, 
fam.? 



299 



Primanouriture 
and Ultimo- 
geniture, 



No Sturm, No 
Drang. 



Want to join the police.^ You know, you were 
always one of the bright ones, since a foot 
made you an unmentionable, fakes ! You know, 
you're the divver's own smart gossoon, aequal 
to yoursell and wanigel to anglyother, so you 
are, hoax! You know, you'll be dampned, so 
you will, one of these invernal days but you 
will be, carrotty!^ 

Wherapool, gayet that when he stop look 
time he stop long ground who here hurry he 
would have ever the lothst word, with a sweet 
me ah err eye ear marie to reat from the jacob's^ 
and a shypull for toothsake of his armjaws 
at the slidepage of de Vere Foster, would and 
could candykissing P. Kevin to fress up the 
rinnerung and to ate by hart (Jeo I read, such a 
Spanish, escribibis^ all your mycoscoups) wont 
to nibbleh ravenostonnoriously ihs mum to 
me in bewonderment of his chipper chuthor 
for, while that Other by the halp of his creac- 
tive mind offered to deleberate the mass from 
the booty of fight our Same with the holp 
of the bounty of food sought to delubberate 
the mess from his corructive mund, with his 
muffetee cuffes ownconsciously grafficking 
with his sinister cyclopes after trigamies and 
spirals' wobbles pursuiting their rovinghamil- 
ton selves and godolphing in fairlove to see 
around the waste of noland's browne jesus* 
(thur him no quartos I) till that on him poorin 
sweat the juggaleer's veins (quench his quill!) 
in his napier scrag stud out bursthright tam- 



SICK us A 

SOCK WITH 
SOME SEDI- 
MENT IN IT 
FOR THE 
SAKE OF OUR 
DARNING 
WIVES. 



^ Picking on Nickagain, Pikey Mikey? 

2 Early morning, sir Dav Stephens, said the First Gentleman in youreups, 

^ Bag bag blockcheap, have you any will? 

* What a lubberly whide elephant for the men-in-the straits! 



300 



I 



Ik 



I 
I 



hi 



h 
kl 



Illustration. quam taughtropes. (Spry him! call a blood- 

lekar! Where's Dr Brassenaarse?) Es war itwas 
in his priesterrite. O He Must Suffer! From this 
misbelieving feacemaker to his noncredible 
fancyflame.i Ask for bosthoon, late for Mass, 
pray for blaablaablack sheep. (Sure you could 
Wright anny pippap passage, Eye bet, as foyne 
as that moultylousy Erewhig, yerself, mick! 
Nock the muddy nickers Christ's Church 
varses Bellial!) Dear and he went on to scripple 
Ascription of the gentlemine born, milady bread, he would pen 
Active, for her, he would pine for her,^ how he would 

patpun fun for all* with his frolicky frowner 
so and his glumsome grinner otherso. And how 
are you, waggy?^ My animal his sorrafool! 
And trieste, ah trieste ate I my liver! Se non e 
vero son trovatore, O jerry! He was soso, harriot 
all! He was sadfellow, steifel! He was mister- 
mysterion. Like a purate out of pensionee with 
a gouvernament job. All moanday, tearsday, 
wailsday, thumpsday, frightday, shatterday till 
the fear of the Law. Look at this twitches! 
He was quisquis, floored on his plankraft of 
shittim wood. Look at him! Sink deep or 
touch not the Cartesian spring! Want more 
ashes, griper.'^ How diesmal he was lying low 
on his rawside laying siege to goblin castle. 
And, bezouts that, how hyenesmeal he was 
laying him long on his laughside lying sack 
to croakpartridge. (Be thou wars Rolaf 's intes- 



Proscription of 
the Passive, 



^ And she had to seek a pond's apeace to salve her suiterkins. Sued ! 

2 Excuse theyre christianbrothers irish? 

^ When she tripped against the briery bush he profused her allover with 
curtsey flowers. 

* A nastilow disigraible game. 

^ Dear old Erosmas. Very glad you are going to Penmark. Write to the 
comer. Grunny Grant. 



Ensouling Fe- 
male Sustains 



man. 



tions, quoths the Bhagavat biskop Leech) Ann 
opes tipoo soon ear! If you could me lendtill 
my pascol's kondyl, sahib, and the price of a 
plate of poultice. Punked. With best apolojigs 
and merrymoney thanks to self for all the 
clerricals and again begs guerdon for bistris- 
pissing on your bunificence. Well wiggy- 
Agonising Over- wiggywagtail, and how are you, yaggy? With 
a capital Tea for Thirst. From here Buvard to 
dear Picuchet. Blott. 

Now, (peel your eyes, my gins, and brush 
your saton hat, me elementator joyclid, son of 
a Butt! She's mine, Jow low jure,^ be Skibber- 
ing's eagles, sweet tart of Whiteknees Arch- 
way) watch him, having caught at the bi- 
furking calamum in his bolsillos, the onelike 
underworp he had ever funnet without diffi- 
cultads, the aboleshqvick, signing away in 
happinext complete, (Exquisite Game of in- 
spiration ! I always adored your hand. So could 
I too and without the scrope of a pen. Ohr for 
oral, key for crib, olchedolche and a lunge ad 
lib. Can you write us a last line.'^ From Smith- 
Jones-Orbison.'^) intrieatedly in years, jirry- 
alimpaloop. And i Romain, hup u bn gd grl.^ 
Unds alws my thts. To fallthere at bare feet 
hurryaswormarose. Two dies of one raffle- 
ment. Eche bennyache. Outstamp and dis- 
tribute him at the expanse of his society. To 
be continued. Anon. 

And ook, ook, ook, fanky! All the charic- 
tures^ in the drame! This is how San holy- 



Sesama to the 
Rescues, The 
Key Signature 



WHEN THE 
ANSWERER 
IS A LEMAN. 



ALL SQUARE 
AND 



* I loved to see tlie Macbeths Jerseys knacking spots of the Plumpduffs 
Pants. 

2 Lifp year fends you all and moe, fouvenirs foft as fummer fnow, fweet 
willings and forget-uf-knots. 
^ Gag his tubes yourself. 

302 



II 



tk 



Force Centres of 
the Fire Serpen- 
tine: hearty 
throaty navely 
spleeny sacraly 
fontanellay inter- 
temporal eye. 

Conception of the 
Compromise and 
Finding of a 
Formula, 



n 



Ideal Present 
Alone Produces 
Real Future, 



polypools. And this, pardonsky! is the way 
Romeopullupalleaps.^ Pose the pen, man, 
way me does. Way ole missa vellatooth fust 
show me how. Fourth power to her illpogue! 
Bould strokes for your life ! Tip ! This is Steal, 
this is Barke, this is Starn, this is Swhipt, this is 
Wiles, this is Pshaw, this is Doubbllinnbbay- 
yates.2 This is brave Danny weeping his spache 
for the popers. This is cool Connolly wiping 
his hearth with brave Danny. And this, regard ! 
how Chawleses Skewered parparaparnelligoes 
between brave Danny boy and the Connolly. 
Upanishadem ! Top. Spoken hath L'arty Ma- 
gory. Eregobragh. Prouf !^ 

And Kev was wreathed with his pother. 

But, (that Jacoby feeling again for fore- 
bitten fruit and, my Georgeous, Kevvy too he 
just loves his puppadums, I judge!) after all his 
autocratic writings of paraboles of famellicurbs 
and meddlied muddlingisms, thee faroots hof 
cullchaw end ate citrawn woodint wun able 
rep of the triperforator awlrite blast through 
his pergaman hit him where he lived and do for 
the blessted selfchuruls, what I think, smarter 
like it done for a manny another unpious of 
the hairydary quare quandary firstings till at 
length, you one bladdy bragger, by mercy- 
stroke he measured his earth anyway.'^ could 
not but recken in his adder's badder cadder 
way our frankson who, to be plain, he fight 
him all time twofeller longa kill dead finish 
bloody face blong you, was misocain. Wince 



ACCORDING 
TO COCKER. 



TROTHBLOWERS, 
FIG AND 
THISTLE 
PLOT A PIG 
AND 

WHISTLE. 



^ He, angel that I thought him, and he not aebel to speel eelyotripes., Mr 
Tellibly Divilcult! 

^ When the dander rattles how the peacocks prance ! 

^ The Brownes de Browne - Browne of Casdehacknolan. 



303 



Service super- 
seding self. 



Catastrophe and 
Anabasis. 

The rotary pro- 
cessus and its 
reestablishment 
of reciprocities. 



wan's won! Rip!^ And his countinghands 
rose. 

Formalisa. Loves deathhow simple! 
Slutningsbane^. 

Thanks eversore much, Pointcarried ! I can't 
say if it's the weight you strike me to the 
quick or that red mass I was looking at but at 
the present momentum, potential as I am, I'm 
seeing rayingbogeys rings round me. Honours 
to you and may you be commended for our 
exhibitiveness ! I'd love to take you for a 
bugaboo ride and play funfer all if you'd only 
sit and be the ballasted bottle in the porker 
barrel. You will deserve a rolypoly as long 
as from here to tomorrow. And to hell with 
them driftbombs and bottom trailers! If my 
maily was bag enough I'd send you a toxis. 
By Saxon Chromaticus, you done that lovely 
for me! Didn't he now, Nubilina.'* Tiny Mite, 
she studiert whas? With her listeningin coif- 
fure, her dream of Endsland's daylast and the 
glorifires of being presainted maid to majesty.^ 
And less is the pity for she isn't the lollypops 
she easily might be if she had for a sample 
Virginia's air of achievement. That might 
keep her from throwing delph.* As I was saying, 
while retorting thanks, you make me a reborn 
of the cards. We're offals boys ambows.^ 
For I've flicked up all the crambs as they 
crumbed from your table um, singing glory 
allaloserem, cog it out, here goes a sum. So 



WITH EBONISER. 
IN PIX. 
EUCHRE 
RISK, MERCI 
BUCKUP, AND 
MIND WHO 

you're 

PUCKING, 
FLEBBY. 



^ A byebye bingbang boys! See you Nutcracker Sunday! 
2 Chinchin Childamanl Chapchopchap ! 
^ Wipe your glosses with what you know. 

* If I'd more in the cups that peeves thee you could cracksmith your rows 
tureens. 



^ Alls Sings and Alls Howls. 



304 



Ik 
h 

^^ 

ftit 



The Twofold 
Truth and the 
Conjunctive Ap- 
petites of Oppo- 
sitional Orexes. 



Trishagion, 



read we in must book. It tells. He prophets 
most who bilks the best. 

And that salubrated sickenagiaour of yaours 
have teaspilled all my hazeydency . Forge away, 
Sunny Sim! Sheepshopp. Bleating Goad, it is 
the least of things, Eyeinstye I Imagine it, my 
deep dartry dullard! It is hours giving, not 
more. I'm only out for celebridging over the 
guilt of the gap in your hiscitendency. You are 
a hundred thousand times welcome, old wort- 
sampler, hellbeit you're just about as culpable 
as my woolfell merger would be. In effect I 
could engage in an energument over you till 
you were republicly royally toobally prussic 
blue in the shirt after.^ Trionfante di bestial And 
if you're not your bloater's kipper may I never 
curse again on that pint I took of Jamesons. 
Old Keane now, you're rod, hook and sinker, 
old jubalee Keane! Biddy's hair. Biddy's hair, 
mine lubber. Where is that Quin but he sknows 
it knot but what you that are my popular end- 
phthisis were born with a solver arm up your 
sleep. Thou in shanty ! Thou in scanty shanty! ! 
Thou in slanty scanty shanty!!! Bide in your 
hush! Bide in your hush, do! The law does 
not aloud you to shout. I plant my penstock 
in your postern, chinarpot. Ave! And let it be 
to all remembrance. Vale. Ovocation of maid- 
ing waters.^ For auld lang salvy steyne. I 
defend you to champ my scullion's praises. 
To book alone belongs the lobe. Foremaster's 
meed^ will mark tomorrow when we are 
making pilscrummage to whaboggeryin with 



COME SI 

COMPITA 

CUNCTITI- 

TITILATIO.'^ 

CONKERY 

CUNK, 

THIGH- 

THIGHT- 

TICKELLY- 

THIGH, LIG- 

GERILAG, 

TITTERITOT, 

LEG IN A TEE, 

LUG IN A 

LAW, TWO 

AT A TIE, 

THREE ON A 

THRICKY 

TILL OHIO 

OHIO 

lOIOMISS. 



^ From three shellings. A bluedye sacrifice. 

2 Not Kilty. But the manajar was. He! He! Ho! Ho! Ho! 

^ Giglamps, Soapy Geyser, The Smell and Gory M Gusty. 



staff, scarf and blessed wallet and our aureoles 
round our neckkandcropfs where as and when 
Heavysciusgardaddy, parent who offers sweet- 
meats, will gift uns his Noblett's surprize. 
Abnegation is With this laudable purpose in loud ability let 
Adaptation, us be singulfied. Betwixt nnie and thee hung 

cong. Item, mizpah ends. 

But while the dial are they doodling dawd- 
ling over the mugs and the grubs? Oikey, 
Impostolopulos?^ Steady steady steady steady 
steady studiavimus. Many many many many 
many manducabimus.^ We've had our day at triv 
and quad and writ our bit as intermidgets. Art, 
literature, politics, economy,chemistry, human- 
ity, &c. Duty, the daughter of discipline, the 
Great Fire at the South City Markets, Belief in 
Giants and the Banshee, A Place for Every- 
thing and Everything in its Place, Is the Pen 
Mightier than the Sword? A Successful Career 
in the Civil Service,^ The Voice of Nature in 
the Forest,* Your Favorite Hero or Heroine, 
On the Benefits of Recreation,^ If Standing 
Stones Could Speak, Devotion to the Feast of 
the Indulgence of Portiuncula, The Dublin 
Metropolitan Police Sports at Ballsbridge, De- 
scribe in Homely Anglian Monosyllables the 
Wreck of the Hesperus,^ What Morals, if any, 
can be drawn from Diarmuid and Grania?^ Do 
Alcibiades. you Approve of our Existing Parliamentary 

Lucretius, System? The Uses and Abuses of Insects, A 



Cato. 
Nero, 

Saul. Aristotle. 
Julius Caesar. 
Pericles. 
Ovid, 

Adam, Eve, 
Domitian, Edipus, 

Socrates. 
Ajax. 

Homer. 

MarcusAurelius. 



ENTER THE 

COP AND 

HOW. 

SECURES 

GUBERNANT 

URBIS 

TERROREM. 



^ The divvy wants that babbling brook. Dear Auntie Emma Emma Eates. 
2 Strike the day off, the nightcap's on nigh. Goney, goney gone! 
^ R. C, disengaged, good character, would help, no salary. 

* Where Lily is a Lady found the nettle rash. 

* Bubabipibambuli, I can do as I like with what's me own. Nyamnyam. 
*• Able seaman's caution. 

' Rarely equal and distinct in all things. 



306 



Id 
Em 



Uk 
im. 

fm 
kl 
lli 
14. 

im 



Noah, Plato, 
Horace, Isaac, 
Tiresias, 
Marius, 
Diogenes, 
Procne, Philo- 
mela, Abraham, 
Nestor, Cincin- 
natus, Leonidas, 
Jacob, 
Theocritus, 
Joseph, 

Fabius, Samson, 

Cain, 

Esop, 

Prometheus, 

I Lot, Pompeius Magnus, 
Miltiades Strategos, 
Solon, 

Castor, Pollux, 
Dionysius, 
Sappho. 
Moses, Job, 
Catilina, 
Cadmus, Eiekiel, 
Solomon, Themistocles. 
Vitellius, Darius. 



Visit to Guinness' Brewery, Clubs, Advan- 
tages of the Penny Post, When is a Pun not a 
Pun? Is the Co-Education of Animus and 
Anima Wholly Desirable?^ What Happened at 
Clontarf? Since our Brother Johnathan Signed 
the Pledge or the Meditations of Two Young 
Spinsters,^ Why we all Love our Little Lord 
Mayor, Hengler's Circus Entertainment, On 
Thrift,^ The Ketde-Griffith-Moynihan Scheme 
for a New Electricity Supply, Travelling in the 
Olden Times,'* American Lake Poetry, the 
Strangest Dream that was ever Halfdreamt.^ 
Circumspection, Our Allies the Hills, Are 
Parnellites Just towards Henry Tudor? Tell a 
Friend in a Chatty Letter the Fable of the 
Grasshopper and the Ant,^ Santa Claus, The 
Shame of Slumdom, The Roman Pontiffs 
and the Orthodox Churches,' The Thirty 
Hour Week, Compare the Fistic Styles of 
Jimmy Wilde and Jack Sharkey, How to 
Understand the Deaf, Should Ladies learn 
Music or Mathematics? Glory be to Saint 
Patrick! What is to be found in a Dustheap, 
The Value of Circumstantial Evidence, 
Should Spelling? Outcasts in India, Collecting 
Pewter, Eu,^ Proper and Regular Diet 
Necessity For,^ If You Do It Do It Now. 



^ Jests and the Beastalk with a little rude hiding rod. 
^ Wherry like the whaled prophet in a spookeerie. 
^ What sins is pirn money sans Paris? 

* I've lost the place, where was I? 

^ Something happened that time I was asleep, torn letters or was there 
snow? 

® Mich for his pain, Nick in his past. 

^ He has toglieresti in brodo all over his agrammatical parts of face and as for 
that hippofoxphiz, unlucky number, late for the christening 1 

^ Eh, Monsieur? Ou, Monsieur? Eu, Monsieur? Nenni No, Monsieur! 

* Ere we hit the hay, brothers, let's have that response to prayer! 

307 



Xenophon, 



Pantocracy. 
Bimutualism. 
Interchangeahil- 
ity. Naturality, 
Superfetation, 
Stabimobilism, 
Periodicity, 
Consummation. 
Inter penetrative- 
ness. Predicam- 
ent, Balance of 
the factual by the 
theoric Boox and 
Cooxy Amallaga- 
mated. 




Delays are Dangerous. Vitavite! Gobble 
Anne: tea's set, see's eneugh! Mox soonly 
will be in a split second per the chancellory 
of his exticker. 

Aun 

Do 

Tri 

Car 

Cushi 

Shay 

Shockt 

Ockt 

Ni 

Geg2 

Their feed begins. 



MAWMAW, 
LUK, YOUR 

beeeftay's 

FIZZIN over! 



KAKAO- 

POETIC 
LIPPUDENIES 
OF THE 
UNGUMP- 
TIOUS. 



NIGHTLETTER 

With our best youlldied greedings to Pep 
and Memmy and the old folkers below and 
beyant, wishing them all very merry Incar- 
nations in this land of the livvey and plenty 
of preprosperousness through their coming 
new yonks 

from 

jake, jack and little sousoucie 
(the babes that mean too) 



* Kish is for anticheirst, and the free of my hand to him ! 



* And gags for skool and crossbuns and whopes he'll enjoyimsolff over 
our drawings on the line! 

308 




It may not or maybe a no concer^j of the Guinnesses but. 

That the fright of his light in tribalbalbutience hides aback in 
the doom of the balk of the deaf but that the height of his life 
from a bride's eye stammpunct is when a man that means a moun- 
tain barring his distance wades a lymph that plays the lazy win- 
ning she likes yet that pride that bogs the party begs the glory of 
a wake while the scheme is like your rumba round me garden, 
allatheses, with perhelps the prop of a prompt to them, was now 
or never in Etheria Deserta, as in Grander Suburbia, with Finn- 
fannfawners, ruric or cospolite, for much or moment indispute. 

Whyfor had they, it is Hiberio-Miletians and Argloe-Noremen, 
donated him, birth of an otion that was breeder to sweatoslaves, 
as mysterbolder, forced in their waste, and as for Ibdullin what of 
Himana, that their tolvtubular high fidelity daildialler, as modern 
as tomorrow afternoon and in appearance up to the minute, (hear- 
ing that anybody in that ruad duchy of Wollinstown schemed 
to halve the wrong type of date) equipped with supershielded um- 
brella antennas for distance getting and connected by the magnetic 
links of a Bellini-Tosti coupling system with a vitaltone speaker, 
capable of capturing skybuddies^ harbour craft emittences, key 
clickings, vaticum cleaners, due to woman formed mobile or 
man_made static and bawling the whowle hamshack and wobble 
down in an eliminium sounds pound so as to serve him up a mele- 
goturny marygoraumd, eclectrically filtered for allirish earths and 

309 



ohmes. This harmonic condenser enginium (the Mole) they 
caused to be worked from a magazine battery (called the Mimmim 
Bimbim patent number 1132, Thorpetersen and Synds, Joms- 
borg, Selverbergen) which was tuned up by twintriodic singul- 
valvulous pipelines (lackslipping along as if their liffing deepunded 
on it) with a howdrocephalous enlargement, a gain control of 
circumcentric megacycles, ranging from the antidulibnium onto 
the serostaatarean. They finally caused, or most leastways brung it 
about somehows, (that) the pip of the lin (to) pinnatrate inthro 
an auricular forfickle (known as the Vakingfar sleeper, mono- 
fractured by Piaras UaRhuamhaighaudhlug, tympan founder, 
Eustache Straight, Bauliaughacleeagh) a meatous conch culpable 
of cunduncing Naul and Santry and the forty routs of Corthy 
with the concertiums of the Brythyc Symmonds Guild, the 
Ropemakers Reunion, the Variagated Peddlars Barringoy Bni- 
brthirhd, the Askold Olegsonder Crowds of the O'Keef-Rosses 
and Rhosso-Keevers of Zastwoking, the Ligue of Yahooth o.s.v. 
so as to lall the bygone dozed they arborised around, up his 
corpular fruent and down his reuctionary buckling, hummer, 
enville and cstorrap (the man of Iren, thore's Curlymane for 
you !), lill the lubberendth of his otological life. 

House of call is all their evenbreads though its cartomance 
hallucinate like an erection in the night the mummery of whose 
deed, a lur of Nur, immerges a mirage in a merror, for it is where 
by muzzinmessed for one watthour, bilaws below, till time jings 
pleas, that host of a bottlefilled, the bulkily hulkwight, hunter's 
pink of face, an orel orioled, is in on a bout to be unbulging an 
o'connell's, the true one, all seethic, a luckybock, pledge of the 
stoup, whilom his canterberry bellseyes wink wickeding indtil 
the teller, oyne of an oustman in skull of skand. Yet is it, this 
ale of man, for him, our hubuljoynted, just a tug and a fistful as 
for Culsen, the Patagoreyan, chieftain of chokanchuckers and his 
moyety joyant, under the foamer dispensation when he pullupped 
the turfeycork by the greats of gobble out of Lougk Neagk. 
When, pressures be to our hoary frother, the pop gave his sullen 
bulletaction and, bilge, sled a movement of catharic emulsipotion 

310 



J. 




SAM , 
' ( pj\< ^f^^) 



>00 




f 



7^ 



down the sloppery slide of a slaunty to tilted lift-ye-landsmen. 
Allamin. Which in the ambit of its orbit heaved a sink her sailer 
alongside of a drink her drainer from the basses brothers, those 
two theygottheres. 

It was long after once there was a lealand in the luffing ore it 
was less after lives thor a toyler in the tawn at all ohr it was note 
before he drew out the moddle of Kersse by jerkin his dressing 
but and or it was not before athwartships he buttonhaled the 
Norweeger's capstan. ^i^:^ i-'i^i'- - """^ 

So he sought with the lobestir claw of his propencil the clue of 
the wickser in his ear. O, lord of the barrels, comer forth from 
Anow (I have not mislaid the key of Efas-Taem), O, Ana, bright 
lady, comer forth from Thenanow (I have not left temptation in 
the path of the sweeper of the threshold), O ! 

But first, strongbowth, they would deal death to a drinking. 
Link of a leadder, dubble in it, slake your thirdst thoughts awake 
with it. Our svalyes are svalves aroon! We rescue thee, O Baass, 
from the damp earth and honour thee. O Connibell, with mouth 
burial! So was done, neat and trig. Up draught and whet 
them! 

— Then sagd he to the ship's husband. And in his translaten- 
tic norjankeltian. Hwere can a ketch or hook alive a suit and ry F^6JT 
sowterkins.^ Soot! sayd the ship's husband, knowing the language, 
here is tayleren. Ashe and Whitehead, closechop, successor to. 
Ahorror, he sayd, canting around to that beddest his friend, the 
tayler, for finixed coulpure, chunk pulley muchy chink topside "^^^"^-^ 
numpa one sellafella^ fake an capstan make and shoot ! Manning to -^^^^w 



l^Vr sayle of clothse for his lady her master whose to be precised of a ^ ^^^-^j^ 
peer of trouders under the pattern of a cassack. Let me prove, I 
pray thee, but this once, sazd Mengarments, saving the mouth- 
brand from his firepool. He spit in his faist (beggin): he tape the 
raw baste (paddin): he planked his pledge (as dib is a dab): and he 
tog his fringe sleeve (buthock lad, fur whale). Alloy for allay and 
this toolth for that soolth. Lick it and like it. A barter, a parter. 
And plenty good enough, neighbour Norreys, every bit and 
grain. And the ship's husband brokecurst after him to hail the 

311 V/ 



^ lugger. Stolp, tief, stolp, come bag to Moy Eireann! And the 
^ <2l Norweeger's capstan swaradeed, some blowfish out of schooling: 

All lykkehud ! Below taiyor he ikan heavin sets. But they brokenht^^^-^^*^ 
waters and they made whole waters at they surfered bark to the 
lots of his vauce. And aweigh he yankered on the Norgean run so 
that seven sailend sonnenrpunders was he breastbare to the brina- 
bath, where bottoms out has fatthoms full, fram Franz Jose \\(y<^ 
Land til Cabo Thormendoso, evenstarde and risingsoon. Up the 
Rivor Tanneiry and down the Golfe Desombres. Farety days and 
fearty nights. Enjoy yourself, O maremen! And the tides made, 
veer and haul, and the times marred, rear and fall, and, holey 
bucket, dipned he raign! 

— Hump! Hump! bassed the broaders-in-laugh with a quick 
piddysnip that wee halfbit a second. 

— I will do that, sazd Kersse, mainingstaying the rigout for her 
wife's lairdship. Nett sew.'* they hunched back at the earpicker. 

But old sporty, as endth lord, in ryehouse reigner, he nought 
feared crimp or cramp of shore sharks, plotsome to getsome. It 
was whol niet godthaab of errol Loritz off his Cape of Good 
Howthe and his trippertrice loretta lady, a maomette to his 
monetone, with twy twy twinky her stone hairpins, only not, 
if not, a queen of Prancess their telling tabled who was for his — " > 
seeming a casket through the heavenly, nay, heart of the sweet 
(had he hows would he keep her as niece as a fiddle!) but in the 
meal tub it was wohl yeas sputsbargain what, rarer of recent, an 
occasional conformity, he, with Muggleton Muckers, alwagers 
allalong most certainly allowed, as pilerinnager's grace to peti- 
tionists of right, of the three blend cupstoomerries with their 
customed spirits, the Gill gob, the Burklley bump, the Wallisey 
wanderlook, having their ceilidhe gailydhe in his shaunty irish. 
Group drinkards maaks grope thinkards or how reads rotary, 
jewr of a chrestend, respecting the otherdogs churchees, so long 
plubs will be plebs but plabs by low frequency amplification may ^ 
later agree to have another. For the people of the shed are the ,^ 
^-^e. sure ads of all quorum. Lorimers and leathersellers, skinners and 
salters, pewterers and paperstainers, parishclerks, fletcherbowyers, 

312 



.1 



I 



I 



I 



i 



( 



girdlers, mercers, cordwainers and first, and not last, the weavers. 
Our library he is hoping to ye public, f^^i^ 
Innholder, upholder. 

— Sets on sayfohrt! Go to it, agitator! they bassabosuned over 
the flowre of their hoose. Godeown moseys and skeep thy beeble 
bee! - 

— I will do that, acordial, by mine hand, sazd Kersse, piece 
Cod, and in the flap of a jacket, ructified after his nap of a blankit 
their o'cousin, as sober as the ship's husband he was one my god- 
father when he told me saw whileupon I am now well and jurily 
sagasfide after the boonamorse the widower, according to rider, 
following pnomoneya, he is consistently blown to Adams. So 
help me boyg who keeps the book ! 

Whereofter, behest his suzerain law the Thing and the pilsener 
had the baar, Recknar Jarl, (they called him Roguenor, Irl call 
him) still passing the change-a-pennies, pengeypigses, a several 
sort of coyne in livery, pushed their whisper in his hairing, 
(seemed, a some shipshep's sottovoxed stalement, a dearagadye, 
to hasvey anyone doing duty for duff point of dorkland compors) 
the same to the good ind ast velut discharge after which he had 
exemptied more than orphan for the ballast of his nurtural life. 
And threw a cast. A few pigses and hare you are; and no chicking, 
tribune's tribute, if you guess mimic miening. Meanly in his lewd- 
brogue take your tyon coppels token, with this good sixtric 
from mine runbag of juwels. Nummers that is summus that is 
toptip that is bottombay that is Twomeys that is Digges that is 
Heres. In the frameshape of hard mettles. For we all would fain 
make glories. It is minely well mint. 

Thus as count the costs of liquid courage, a buUyon gauger, 
stowed stivers pengapung in bulk in hold (fight great finnence ! 
brayvoh, little bratton!) keen his kenning, the queriest of the 
crew, with that fellow fearing for his own misshapes, should he be 
himpself namesakely a foully fallen dissentant from the peripu- 
lator, sued towerds Meade- Reid and Lynn-Duff, rubbing the 
hodden son of a pookal, leaden be light, lather be dry and it be 
drownd on all the ealsth beside, how the camel and where the 

313 



deiffel or when the finicking or why the funicking, who caused 
the scaffolding to be first removed you give orders, Labeling, 
were their reidey meade answer when on the cutey (the cores- 
pondent) in conflict of evidence drew a kick at witness but 
(missed) and for whom in the dyfflun*s kiddy removed the 
planks they were wanted, boob. '-^•^ t/^/ a ch, 
Bump! ^/ K(hf^^ 

Bothallchoractorschumminaroundgansumuminarumdrum- 
strumtruminahumptadumpwaultopoofoolooderamaunsturnup! 

— Did do a dive, aped one. 

— Propellopalombarouter, based two. 

— Rutsch is for rutterman ramping his roe, seed three. Where 
the muddies scrimm ball. Bimbim bimbim. And the maidies 
scream all. Himhim himhim. 

And forthemore let legend go lore of it that mortar scene so 
cwympty dwympty what a dustydust it razed arboriginally but, y 
luck's leap to the lad at the top of the ladder, so sartor's risorted 
why the sinner the badder! Ho ho ho hoch! La la la lach! Hillary 
rillarry gibbous grist to our milleryl A pushpull, qq: quiescence, 
pp: with extravent intervulve coupling. The savest lauf in the 
world. Paradoxmutose caring, but here in a present booth of Balla- 
clay, Barthalamou, where their dutchuncler mynhosts and serves 
them dram well right for a boors' interior (homereek van hohm- 
ryk) that salve that selver is to screen its auntey and has ringround 
as worldwise eve her sins (pip, pip, pip) willpip futurepip feature 
apip footloose pastcast with spareshins and flash substittles of 
noirse-made-earsy from a nephew mind the narrator but give the 
devil his so long as those sohns of a blitzh call the tm;in£_tuone and 
thonder alout makes the thurd. Let there be. Due. ) , 

— That's all murtagh purtagh but whad ababs his dopter.^ 
sissed they who were onetime ungkerls themselves, (when the 
youthel of his yorn shook the bouchal in his bed) twilled along- 
side in wiping the rice assatiated with their wetting. The lappel 
of his size.^ His ros in sola velnere and he sicckumed of homnis 
terrars. She wends to scoulas in her slalpers. There were no pea- 
nats in her famalgia so no wumble she tumbled for his famas 



JudL A^r 




(^roalls davors. Don't him forget! A butcheler artsed out of Cullege 
Trainity. Diddled he daddle a drop of the cradler on delight 
mebold laddy was stetched? Knit wear? And they addled, (or 
ere the cry of their tongues would be uptied dead) Shufflebotham 
asidled, plus his ducks fore his drills, an inlay of a liddle more 
lining maught be licensed all at ones, be these same tokens, for- 
giving a brass rap, sneither a whole length nor a short shift so 
full as all were concerned. i 

Burniface, shjply efter, shoply after, at an angle of lag, let flow, 
brabble brabble and brabble, and so hostily, heavyside breathing, 
came up with them and, check me joule, shot the three tailors, 
butting back to Moyle herring, bump as beam and buttend, roller i' ^^Ta iji^ 
and reiter, after the diluv's own deluge, the seasant samped as 
skibber breezed in, tripping, dripping, threw the sheets in the 
wind, the tights of his trunks at tickle to tackle and his rubmelucky 
truss rehorsing the pouffed skirts of his overhawl. He'd left his 
stickup in his hand to show them none ill feeling. Whatthough for 
all appentices it had a mushroom on it. While he faced them 
front to back. Then paraseuls round, quite taken atack, sclaiming, 
Howe cools Eavybrolly! 

— Good marrams, sagd he, freshwatties and boasterdes all, as 
he put into bierhiven, nogeysokey first, cabootle segund, jilling 
to windwards, as he made straks for that oerasound the snarsty weg 
for Publin, so was his horenpipe lug in the lee off their mouths 
organs, with his tilt too taut for his tammy all a slaunter and his 
wigger on a wagger with its tag tucked. Up. With a good easter- 
ing and a good westering. And he asked from him how the hitch 
did do this my fand sulkers that mone met the Kidballacks which 
he suttonly remembered also where the hatch was he endnew 
strandweys he's that fond sutchenson, a penincular fraimd of 
mind, fordeed he was langseling to talka holt of hems, clown 
toff, tye hug fliorten. Cablen: Clifftop. Shelvling tobay oppe- 
long tomeadow. Ware cobbles. Posh. 

— Skibbereen has common inn, by pounautique, with poke- 
way paw, and sadder raven evermore, telled shinshanks lauwering 
frankish for his kicker who, through the medium of gallic 

315 



— Pukkelsen, tilltold. 

That with some our prowed invisors how their ulstravoliance led 
them infroraids, striking down and landing alow, against our 
aerian insulation resistance, two boards that beached ast one, wid- 
ness thane and tysk and hanry. Prepatrickularly all, they summed. 
Kish met. Bound to. And for landlord, noting, nodding, a coast 
to moor was cause to mear. Besides proof plenty, over proof. 
While they either took a heft. Or the other swore his eric. Heaved 
two, spluiced the menbrace. Heirs at you, Brewinbaroon! Weth 
a whistle for methanks. 

— Good marrams and good merrymills, sayd good mothers 
gossip, bobbing his bowing both ways with the bents and skerries, 
when they were all in the old walled of Kinkincaraborg (and that 
they did overlive the hot air of Montybunkum upon the coal 
blasts of Mitropolitos let there meeds be the hourihom), hibernia- 
ting after seven oak ages, fearsome where they were he had gone 
dump in the doomering this tide where the peixies would pickle 
him down to the button of his seat and his sess old soss Erinly 
into the boelgein with the help of Divy and Jorum's locquor and 

f'^L shut the door after him to make a rarely fine Ran's cattle of fish. 
Morya Mortimor! Allapalla overus! Howoft had the ballshee 
tried! And they laying low for his home gang in that eeriebleak 
mead, with fireball feast and turkeys tumult and paupers patch 
to provide his bum end. The foe things your niggerhead needs 
to be fitten for the Big Water. He made the sign of the ham- 
mer. God's drought, he sayd, after a few daze, thinking of all 
those bliakings, how leif pauses ! Here you are back on your haw- 
kins, from Blasil the Brast to our povotogesus portocall, the furt 
on the turn of the hurdles, slave to trade, vassal of spices and a 
dragon-the-market, and be turbot, lurch a stripe, as were you 
soused methought out of the mackerel. Eldsfells! sayd he. A 
kumpavin on iceslant ! Here's open handlegs for one old faulker 
from the hame folk here in you's booth! So sell me gundy, sagd 
the now waging cappon, with a warry posthumour's expiation, 
shoots ogos shootsle him or where's that slob.'^ A bit bite of 
keesens, he sagd, til Dennis, for this jantar (and let the dobblins 

316 



roast perus,) or a stinger, he sagd, t. d,, on a doroughbread ken- 
nedy's for Patriki San Saki on svo fro or my old relogion's out 
of tiempor and when I'm soured to the tipple you can sink me 
lead, he sagd, and, if I get can, sagd he, a pusspull of tomtar- 
tarum. Thirst because homing hand give. Allkey dallkey, sayd 
the shop's housebound, for he was as deep as the north star (and 
could tolk sealer's solder into tankar's tolder) as might have sayd 
every man to his beast, and a treat for the trading scow, my cater 
million falls to you and crop feed a stall ! Afram. And he got and 
gave the ekspedient for Hombreyhambrey wilcomer what's the 
good word. He made the sign on the feaster. Cloth be laid ! And 
a disk of osturs for the swanker! Allahballah! He was the care- 
lessest man I ever see but he sure had the most sand. One fish- 
ball with fixings ! For a dan of a ven of a fin of a son of a gun of 
a gombolier. Ekspedient, sayd he, sonnur mine, Shackleton Sul- 
ten! Opvarts and at ham, or this ogry Osier will oxmaul us all, 
sayd he, like one familiar to the house, while Waldemar was 
heeling it and Maldemaer was toeing it, soe syg he was walking 
from the bowl at his food and the meer crank he was waiting for 
the tow of his turn. Till they plied him behaste on the fare. Say 
wehrn! 

— Nohow did he kersse or hoot alike the suit and solder skins, \ 
minded first breachesmaker with considerable way on and / 

— Humpsea dumpsea, the munchantman, secondsnipped cutter 
the curter. 

— A ninth for a ninth. Take my worth from it. And no mistaenk, 
they thricetold the taler and they knew the whyed for too. The 
because of his sosuch. Uglymand fit himshemp but throats fill us 
all! And three's here's for repeat of the unium! Place the scaurs 
wore on your groot big bailey bill, he apullajibed, the O' Colonel 
Power, latterly distented from the O' Conner Dan, so promonitory 
himself that he was obliffious of the headth of hosth that rosed 
before him, from Sheeroskouro, under its zembliance of mardal 
mansk, like a dun darting dullemitter, with his moultain haares 
stuck in plostures upon it, (do you kend yon peak with its coast so 
green .'^) still trystfully acape for her his gragh knew well in pre- 

317 



cious memory and that proud grace to her, in gait a movely water, 
of smile a coolsome cup, with that rarefied air of a Montmalency 
and her quick little breaths and her climbing colour. Take thee 
live will save thee wive? I'll think uplon, lilady. Should anerous 
enthroproise call homovirtue, duinnafear! The ghem's to the 
ghoom be she nere zo zma. Obsit nemon! Floodlift, her ancient 
of rights regaining, so yester yidd, even remembrance. And 
greater grown then in the trifle of her days, a mouse, a mere 
tittle, trots off with the whole panoromacron picture. Her young- 
free yoke stilling his wandercursus, jilt the spin of a curl and jolt 
the broadth of a buoy. The Annexandreian captive conquest. 
Ethna Prettyplume, Hooghly Spaight. Him her first lap, her his 
fast pal, for ditcher for plower, till deltas twoport. While this 
glowworld's lump is gloaming off and han in hende will grow. 
Through simpling years where the lowcasts have aten of amilikan 
honey and datish fruits and a bannock of barley on Tham the 
Thatcher's palm. O wanderness be wondernest and now! Listen- 
eath to me, veils of Mina ! He would withsay, nepertheloss, that 
is too me mean. I oldways did me walsh and preechup ere we set 
to sope and fash. Now eats the vintner over these contents oft 
with his sad slow munch for backonham. Yet never shet it the 
brood of aurowoch, not for legions of donours of Gamuels. I 
have performed the law in truth for the lord of the law, Taif 
Alif. I have held out my hand for the holder of my heart in Anna- 
polis, my youthrib city. Be ye then my protectors unto Mussa- 
botomia before the guards of the city. Theirs theres is a gentle- 
meants agreement. Womensch plodge. To slope through heather 
till the foot. Join Andersoon and Co. If the flowers of speech 
valed the springs of me rising the hiker I hilltapped the murk I 
mist my blezzard way. Not a knocker on his head nor a nick- 
number on the manyoumeant. With that coldtbrundt natteldster 
wefting stinks from Alpyssinia, wooving nihilnulls from Memo- 
land and wolving the ulvertones of the voice. But his spectrem 
onlymergeant crested from the irised sea in plight, calvitousness, 
loss, nngnr, gliddinyss, unwill and snorth. It might have been 
what you call your change of my life but there's the chance of a 

318 



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night for my lifting. Hillyhollow, valleylow! With the sounds 
and the scents in the morning. <^o^jk4.e\ 

— I shot be shoddied, throttle me, fine me cowheel for ever, 
usquebauched the ersewild aleconner, for bringing briars to Bem- 
bracken and ringing rinbus round Demetrius for, as you wrinkle 
wryghtly, bully bluedomer, it's a suirsite's stircus haunting hes- 
teries round old volcanoes. We gin too gnir and thus plinary 
indulgence makes collemullas of us all. But Time is for talerman 
tasting his tap. Tiptoptap, Mister Maut. 

He made one summery (Cholk and murble in lonestime) of his 
the three swallows like he was muzzling Moselems and torched 
up as the faery pangeant fluwed down the hisophenguts, a slake 
for the quicklining, to the tickle of his tube and the twobble of 
his fable, O, fibbing once upon a spray what a queer and queasy 
spree it was. Plumped. 

Which both did. Prompt. Eh, chrystal holder.'^ Save Ampster- 
dampster that had rheumaniscences in his netherlumbs. 

— By the drope in his groin, Ali Slupa, thinks the cappon, 
plumbing his liners, we were heretofore. 

— And be the coop of his gobbos, Reacher the Thaurd, thinks 
your girth fatter, apopo of his buckseaseilers, but where's Horace's 
courtin troopsers.^ 

— I put hem behind the oasthouse, sagd Pukkelsen, tuning 
wound on the teller, appeased to the cue, that double dyode 
dealered, and he's wallowing awash swill of the Tarra water. And 
it marinned down his gargantast trombsathletic like the marousers of 
the gulpstroom. The kersse of Wolafs on him, shitateyar, he sagd in 
the fornicular, and, at weare or not at weare, I'm sigen no stretcher, 
for I carsed his murhersson goat in trotthers with them newbuckle- 
noosers behigh in the fire behame in the oasthouse. Hops ! sagd he. 

— Smoke and coke choke ! lauffed till the tear trickled drown a 
thigh the loafers all but a sheep's whosepants that swished to the 
lord he hadn't and the starer his story was tailed to who felt that, 
the fierifornax being thurst on him motophosically, as Omar 
sometime notes, such a satuation, debauchly to be watched for, 
would empty dempty him down to the ground. 

^ 319 



— And hopy dope ! sagd he, anded the enderer, now dyply 
hypnotised or hopeseys doper himself. And kersse him, sagd he, 
after inunder tarrapoulling, and the shines he cuts, shinar, the 
screeder, the stitchimesnider, adepted to nosestorsioms in his 
budinholder, cummanisht, sagd he, (fouyoufoukou!) which goes 
in the ways smooking publics, sagd he, bomboosting to be in 

p^,^lc>^ thelitest civille row faction for a dubblebrasterd navvygaiterd, 

(flick off that hvide aske, big head !) sagd he, the big bag of my 
hamd till hem, tollerloon, sagd he, with his pudny bun brofkost 
when he waits meet the bangd. I will put his fleas of wood in the 
flour, and he sagd, behunt on the oatshus, the not wellmade one, 
sagd he, the kersse of my armsore appal this most unmentionablest 
of men (mundering eeriesk, if he didn't scalded him all the 
shimps names in his gitter!) a coathemmed gusset sewer, sagd he, 
his first cudgin is an innvalet in the unitred stables which is not 
feed tonights a kirtle offal fisk and he is that woe worstered 
wastended shootmaker whatever poked a noodle in a clouth! 
, ' So for the second tryon all the meeting of the acarras had it. 

How he hised his bungle oar his shourter and cut the pinter off his 
pourer and lay off for Fellagulphia in the farning. From his 
dhruimadhreamdhrue back to Brighten-pon-the-Baltic, from our 
lund's rund turs bag til threathy hoeres a wuke. Ugh! 

— Stuff, Taaffe, stuff! interjoked it his wife's hopesend to the 
, ' \ boath of them consistently. Copie back to May Aileen. 

— lid luck to it! blastfumed the nowraging scamptail, in flating 
furies outs trews his cammelskins, the flashlight of his ire wacker- 
ing from the eye winker on his masttop. And aye far he fared from 
Afferik Arena and yea near he night till Blawland Bearring, 
baken be the brazen sun, buttered be the snows. And the sea 
shoaled and the saw squalled. And, soaking scupper, didn't he 
drain , 

A pause. • ^ r, / , er-^ 

Infernal machinery (serial number; BuUysacre, dig care a dig) 
having thus passed the buck to billy back from jack (finder the 
keeper) as the baffling yarn sailed in circles it was now high tide 
for the reminding pair of snipers to be suitably punished till they 

320 



(iff rJ ^ 



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had, like the pervious oelkenner done, liquorally no more powers 
to their elbow. Ignorinsers' bliss, therefore, their not to say rifle 
f^fip c< ■ butt target, none too wisefoUy, poor fish, (he is eating, he is spun, 
is milked, he dives) upholding a lampthorne of lawstift as wand 
of welcome to all men in bonafay, (and the corollas he so has 
saved gainsts the virus he has thus injected !) dijcoastedself to that 
kipsie point of its Dublin bar there, breaking and entering, from the 
outbagk's dead heart, Glasthule Bourne or Boehernapark Nolagh, 
by wattsismade or bianconi, astraylians in island, a wellknown 
tall hat blown in between houses by a nightcap of that silk or it 
might be a black velvet and a kiber galler dragging his hunker, 
were signalling gael warnings towards Wazwollenzee Haven to 
give them their beerings, east circular route or^^gant^jcentral 
highway. Open, 'tis luck will have it! Lifeboat AUoe, Noeman's 
Woe, Hircups Emptybolly ! With winkles whelks and cocklesent 
f\V3^ jelks. Let be buttercup eve lit by night in the Phoenix! Music. 
And old lotts have funn at Flarjimagen's ball. Till Irinwakes from 
Slumber Deep. How they succeeded by courting daylight in 
saving darkness he who loves will see. 
Business. His bestness. Copeman helpen. 
Contrescene. /4 ^/&- 

^ He cupped his yea^ to catch me's to y^ in what's yours as 
minest to hissent, giel as gail, geil as gaul, Odorozone, now our- 
menial servent, blanding rum, milk and toddy with I hand it 
to you. Saying whiches, see his bow on the hapence, with a pat- 
tedyr but digit here, he scooped the hens, hounds and horses 
biddy by bunny, with an arc of his covethand, saved from the 
drohnings they might oncounter, untill his cubid long, to hide in 
dry. Aside. Your sows tin the topple, dodgers, trink me dregs! 
Zoot! 

And with the gust of a spring alice the fossickers and swaggelers 
with him on the hoof from down under piked forth desert roses in 
that muUigar scrub. 

Reenter Ashe Junior. Peiwei toptip, nankeen pontdelounges. 
Gives fair day. Cheroot. Cheevio! 
Off. 

321 



— Take off thatch whitehat (lo, Kersse come in back bespoking 
of loungeon off the Boildawl stuumplecheats for rushirishis Irush- 
Irish, dangieling his old Conan over his top gallant shouldier so 
was, lao yiu shao, he's like more look a novicer on the nevay). 

— Tick off that whilehot, you scum of a botch, (of Kersse who, 
as he turned out, alas, hwen ching hwan chang, had been mocking 
his hollaballoon a sample of the costume of the country). 

— Tape oaf that saw fouU and sew wrong, welsher, you suck of 
a thick, stock and the udder, and confiteor yourself (for bekersse 
he had cuttered up and misfutthered in the most multiplest 
manner for that poor old bridge's masthard slouch a shook of 
cloakses the wise, hou he pouly hung hoang tseu, his own fitther 
couldn't nose him). 

Chorus: With his coate so graye. And his pounds that he 
pawned from the burning. 

— And, haikon or hurlin, who did you do at doyle today, my 
horsey dorksey gentryman. Serge Mee, suit! sazd he, tersey ker- 
sey. And when Tersse had sazd this Kersse stood them the whole 
koursse of training how the whole blazy raze acurraghed, from 
lambkinsback to sliving board and from spark to phoenish. And 
he tassed him tartly and he sassed him smartly, tig for tager, strop 
for stripe, as long as there's a lyasher on a kyat. And they peered 
him beheld on the pyre. 

And it was so. Behold. 

— Same capman no nothing horces two feller he feller go 
where. Isn't that effect.'^ gig for gag, asked there three newcom- 
mers till knockingshop at the ones upon a topers who, while in 
admittance to that impedance, as three as they were there, they had 
been malttreating themselves to their health's contempt. 

— That's fag for fig, metinkus, confessed, mhos for mhos, those 
who, would it not be for that dielectrick, were upon the point of 
obsoletion, and at the brink of from the pillary of the Nilsens and 
from the statutes of the Kongbullies and from the milestones of 
Ovlergroamlius libitate nos, Domnial! 

— And so culp me goose, he sazd, szed the ham muncipated of 
the first course, recoursing, all cholers and coughs with his beauw 

322 



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on the bummell, tlie bugganeering wanderducken, he sazd, (that 
his pumps may ship awhoyle shandymound of the dussard), the 
coarsehair highsaydighsayman, there's nice tugs he looks, (how 
you was, Ship Alouset?) he sazd, the bloedaxe bloodooth baltxe- 
bec, that is crupping into our raw lenguage navel through the 
lumbsmall of his hawsehole, he sazd, donconfounder him, voyag- 
ing after maidens, belly jonah hunting the polly joans, and the 
hurss of all portnoysers befaddle him, he sazd, till I split in his flags, 
he sazd, one to one, the landslewder, after Donnerbruch fire. 
Reefer was a wenchman. One can smell off his wetsments how he 
is coming from a beach of promisck. Where is that old muttiny, 
shall I ask? Free kicks he will have from me, turncoats, in Bar 
Hartley if I wars a fewd years ago. Meistr Capteen Gaascooker, a 
salestrimmer! As he was soampling me ledder, like pulp, and as 
I was trailing his fumbelums, like hulp, he'll fell the fall of me 
faus, he sazd, like yulp! The goragorridgorballyed pushkalsson, 
he sazd, with his bellows pockets fulled of potchtatos and his fox 
in a stomach, a disagrees to his ramskew coddlelecherskithers' 
zirkuvs, drop down dead and deaf, and there is never a teilwrmans 
in the feof fife of Iseland or in the wholeabelongd of Skunkinabory 
from Drumadunderry till the rumnants of Mecckrass, could milk 
a colt in thrushes foran furrow follower width that a hole in his 
tale and that hell of a hull of a hill of a camelump bakk. Fadgest- 
fudgist! 

Upon this dry call of selenium cell (that horn of lunghalloon, 
Riland's in peril!) with its doomed crack of the old damn ukonnen & 
power insound in it the lord of the saloom, as if for a flash sala- 
magunnded himself, listed his tummelumpsk pack and hearinat 
presently returned him, ambilaterally alleyeoneyesed, from their 
uppletoned layir to his beforetime guests, that bunch of palers on 
their round, timemarching and petrolling how, who if they were 
abound to loose a laugh (Toni Lampi, you booraascal !) they were 
abooned to let it as the leashed they might do when they felt (O, 
the wolf he's on the walk, sees his sham cram bokk!) their joke 
was coming home to them, the steerage way for stabling, ghus- 
torily spoeking, gen and gang, dane and dare, like the dud spuk 

323 



of his first foetotype (Trolldedroll, how vary and likely!), the filli- 
bustered, the fully bellied. With the old sit in his shoulders, and 
the new satin atlas onder his uxter, erning his breadth to the swelt 
of his proud and, picking up the emberose of the lizod lights, his 
tail toiled of spume and spawn, and the bulk of him, and hulk of 
him as whenever it was he reddled a ruad to riddle a rede from the 
sphinxish pairc while Ede was a guardin, ere love a side issue. 
They hailed him cheeringly, their encient, the murrainer, and 
wallruse, the merman, ye seal that lubs you lassers, Thallasee or 
Tullafilmagh, when come of uniform age. 

— Heave, coves, emptybloddy! 

And ere he could catch or hook or line to suit their saussyskins, 
the lumpenpack. Underbund was overraskelled. As 

— Sot! sod the tailors opsits from their gabbalots, change all 
that whole set. Shut down and shet up. Our set, our set's 
allohn. 

And they poured em behoiled on the fire. Scaald! 

Rowdiose wodhalooing. Theirs is one lessonless missage for 
good and truesirs. Will any persen bereaved to be passent bring- 
back or rumpart to the Hoved politymester. Clontarf, one love, 
one fear. Ellers for the greeter glossary of code, callen hom: 
Finucane-Lee, Finucane-Law. 

Am. Dg. 

Welter focussed. 

Wind from the nordth. Warmer towards mufiinbell. Lull. 

As our revelant Colunnfiller predicted in last mount's chattiry 
sermon, the allexpected depression over Schiumdinebbia, a bygger 
muster of veirying precipitation and haralded by faugh sicknells, 
(hear kokkenhovens ekstras!) and umwalloped in an unusuable 
suite of clouds, having filthered through the middelhav of the 
same gorgers' kennel on its wage wealthwards and incursioned a 
sotten retch of low pleasure, missed in some parts but with lucal 
drizzles, the outlook for tomarry (Streamstress Mandig) beamed 
brider, his ability good. 

What hopends to they? 

Giant crash in Aden. Birdflights confirm abbroaching nub- 

324 



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tials. Burial of Lifetenant-Groevener Hatchett, R.I.D. Devine's 
Previdence. 
Ls. De. 

Art thou gainous sense uncompetite! Limited. Anna Lynchya 
Pourable ! One and eleven. United We Stand, even many offered. 
Don't forget. I wish auspicable thievesdayte for the stork dyrby. 
It will be a thousand's a won paddies. And soon to bet. On drums 
of bliss. With hapsalap troth, hipsalewd prudity, hopesalot hon- 
nessy, hoopsaloop luck. After when from midnights unwards the 
fourposter harp quartetto. (Kiskiviikko, Kalastus. Torstaj, tanssia. 
Perjantaj, peleja. Lavantaj ja Sunnuntaj, christianismus kirjallisuus, 
kirjallisuus christianismus.) Whilesd this pellover his finnisch. 

— Comither, ahorace, thou mighty man of valour, elderman 
adaptive of Capel Ysnod, and tsay-fong tsei-foun a laun bricks- 
number till I've fined you a faulter-in-law, to become your son- 
to-be, gentlemens tealer, generalman seelord, gosse and bosse, 
hunguest and horasa, jonjemsums both, in sailsmanship, szed the 
head marines talebearer, then sayd the ships gospfather in the scat 
story to the husband's capture and either you does or he musts 
and this moment same, sayd he, so let laid pacts be being betving 
ye, he sayd, by my main makeshift, he sayd, one fisk and one flesk, 
as flat as, Aestmand Addmundson you, you're iron slides and so 
hompety domp as Paddley Mac Namara here he's a hardy canooter, 
for the two breasts of Banba are her soilers and her toilers, if thou 
wilt serve Idyall as thou hast sayld. Brothers Boathes, brothers 
Coathes, ye have swallen blooders' oathes. And Gophar sayd unto 
Glideon and sayd he to the nowedding captain, the rude hunner- 
able Humphrey, who was praying god of clothildies by the seven 
bosses of his trunktarge he would save bucklesome when she 
wooed belove on him, comeether, sayd he, my merrytime mare- 
lupe, you wutan whaal, sayd he, into the shipfolds of our quad- 
rupede island, bless madhugh, mardyk, luusk and cong! Blass 
Neddos bray! And no more of your maimed acts after this with 
your kowtoros and criados to every tome, thick and heavy, and 
our onliness of his revelance to your ultitude. The illfollowable 
staying in wait for you with the winning word put into his mouth 

325 



or be the hooley tabell, as Horrocks Toler hath most cares to call 
it, I'll rehearse your comeundermends and first mardhyr you en- 
tirely. As puck as that Paddeus picked the pun and left the lollies 
off the foiled. A Trinity judge will crux your boom. Pat is the 
man for thy. Ay ay! And he pured him beheild of the ouishguss, 
mingling a sign of the cruisk. I popetithes thee, Ocean, sayd he, 
Oscarvaughther, sayd he, Erievikkingr, sayd he, intra trifum 
triforium trifoliorum, sayd he, onconditionally, forfor furst of giel- 
gaulgalls and hero chief explunderer of the clansakiltic, sayd he, 
the streameress mastress to the sea aase cuddycoalman's and let 
this douche for you as a wholly apuzzler's and for all the puk- 
kaleens to the wakes of you, sayd he, out of the hellsinky of the 
howtheners and be danned to ye, sayd he, into our roomyo con- 
nellic relation, sayd he, from which our this pledge is given, Tera 
truly ternatrine if not son towards thousand like expect chrisan 
athems to which I osker your godhsbattaring, saelir, for as you 
gott kvold whereafter a gooden diggin and with gooder enscure 
from osion buck fared agen fairioes feuded hailsohame til Edar 
in that the loyd mave hercy on your sael! Anomyn and awer. 
Spickinusand. 

— Nansense, you snorsted.'^ he was haltid considerable agenst 
all religions overtrow so hworefore the thokkurs pokker the big- 
bug miklamanded storstore exploder would he be whulesalesolde 
daadooped by Priest Gudfodren of the sacredhaunt suit in 
Diaeblen-Balkley at Domnkirk Saint Petricksburg.^ But ear this: 

— And here, aaherra, my rere admirable peadar poulsen, sayd 
he, consistently, to the secondnamed sutor, my lately lamented 
sponsorship, comesend round that wine and lift your horn, sayd 
he, to show you're a skolar for, winter you likes or not, we 
brought your summer with us and, tomkin about your lief eurek- 
ason and his undishcovery of americle, be the rolling forties, he 
sayd, and on my sopper crappidamn, as Harris himself says, to let 
you in on some crismion dottrin, here is the ninethest pork of a man 
whisk swimmies in Dybblin water from Ballscodden easthmost 
till Thyrston's Lickslip and, sayd he, (whiles the heart of Lukky 
Swayn slaughed in his icebox for to think of all the soorts of 

326 



smukklers he would behave in juteyfrieze being forelooper to her) 
praties peel to our goodsend Brandonius, ^zAW of a Cara, spouse 
to Fynlogue, he has the nicesth pert of a nittlewoman in the 
house, la chito, la chato, la Charmadouiro, Tina-bat-Talur, cif for 
your fob and a tesura astore for you, eslucylamp aswhen the surge 
seas sombren, that he daughts upon of anny livving plusquebelle, 
to child and foster, that's the lippeyear's wonder of Totty go, 
Newschool, two titty too at win winnie won, tramity trimming and 
funnity fare, with a grit as hard as the trent of the thimes but a 
touch as saft as the dee in flooing and never a Hyderow Jenny the 
like of her lightness at look and you leap, rheadoromanscing long 
evmans invairn, about little Anny Roners and all the Lavinias of 
ester yours and pleding for them to herself in the periglus glatsch 
hangs over her trickle bed, it's a piz of fortune if it never falls from 
the stufFel, and, when that mallaura's over till next time and all the 
prim rossies are out dressparading and the tubas tout tout for the 
glowru of their god, making every Dinny dingle after her down 
the Dargul dale and (wait awhile, blusterbuss, you're marchadant 
too forte and don't start furlan your ladins till you' ve learned the 
lie of her landuage!), when it's summwer calding and she can hear 
the pianutunar beyant the bayondes in Combria sleepytalking to 
the Wiltsh muntons, titting out through her droemer window 
for the flyend of a touchman over the wishtas of English Strand, 
when Kilbarrack bell pings saksalaisance that Concessas with 
Sinbads may (pong!), where our dollimonde sees the phantom 
shape of Mr Fortunatus Wright since winksome Miss Bulkeley 
made loe to her wrecker and he took her to be a rover, O, and 
playing house of ivary dower of gould and gift you soil me 
peepat my prize, which its a blue loogoont for her in a bleakeyed 
seusan if she can't work her mireiclles and give Norgeyborgey 
good airish timers, while her fresh racy turf is kindly kindling up 
the lower with the flu, with a roaryboaryellas would set an Eri- 
weddyng on fire, let aloon an old Humpopolamos with the boomar- 
poorter on his brain, aiden bay scye and dye, aasbukividdy, 
twentynine to her dozen and coocoo him didulceydovely to his 
old cawcaws huggin and munin for his strict privatear which 

327 



there's no pure rube like an ool pool roober when your pullar 
beer turns out Bruin O'Luinn and beat his barge into a battering 
pram with her wattling way for cubblin and, be me fairy fay, sayd 
he, the marriage mixter, to Kersse, Son of Joe Ashe, her coax- 
fonder, wiry eyes and winky hair, timkin abeat your Andraws 
Meltons and his lovsang of the short and shifty, I will turn my 
thinks to things alove and I will speak but threes ones, sayd he, 
my truest patrions good founter, poles a port and zones asunder, 
tie up in hates and repeat at luxure, you can better your tooblue 
prodestind arson, tyler bach, after roundsabouts and donochs and 
the volumed smoke, though the clonk in his stumble strikes warn, 
and were he laid out on that counter there like a Slavocrates 
amongst his skippies, when it comes to the ride onerable, sayd he, 
that's to make plain Nanny Ni Sheeres a full Dinamarqueza, and 
all needed for the lay, from the hursey on the montey with the 
room in herberge down to forkpiece and bucklecatch, (Elding, 
my elding! and Lif, my lif!) in the pravacy of the pirmanocturne, 
hap, sayd he, at that meet hour of night, and hop, sayd he, and the 
fyrsty annas everso thried (whiles the breath of Huppy Hulles- 
pond swumped in his seachest for to renumber all the mallyme- 
dears' long roll and call of sweetheart emmas that every had a 
port in from CoxerJiagen till the brottels on the Nile), while 
taylight is yet slipping under their pillow, (ill omens on Kitty 
Cole if she's spilling laddy's measure!) and before Sing Mattins in 
the Fields, ringsengd ringsengd, bings Heri the Concorant Erho, 
and the Referinn Fuchs Gutmann gives us 77/ Bell the Welled or 
The Steeplepoy s Revanger and all Thingavalley knows for its 
never dawn in the dark but the deed comes to life, and raptist bride 
is aptist breed (tha lassy! tha lassy!), and, to buoy the hoop 
within us springing, 'tis no timbertar she'll have then in her arms- 
brace to doll the dallydandle, our fiery quean, upon tlie night ot 
the things of the night of the making to stand up the double 
tet of the oversear of the seize who cometh from the mighty 
deep and on the night of making Horuse to crihumph over his 
enemy, be the help of me cope as so pluse the riches of the roed- 
shields, with Elizabeliza blessing the bedpain, at the willbedone 

328 



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III 



of Yinko Jinko Randy, come Bastabasco and hippychip eggs, she 
will make a suomease pair and singlette, jodhpur smalls and tailor- 
less, a copener's cribful, leaf, bud and berry, the divlin's own little 
mimmykin puss, (hip, hip, horatia!) for my old comrhade salty- 
mar here, Briganteen — General Sir A. I. Magnus, the flapper- 
nooser, master of the good lifebark Ulivengrene of Onslought, 
and the homespund of her hearth, (Fuss his farther was the norse 
norse east and Muss his mother was a gluepot) and, gravydock or 
groovy anker, and a hulldread pursunk manowhood, who (with 
a chenchen for his delight time and a bonzeye nappin through his 
doze) he is the bettest bluffy blondblubber of an olewidgeon what 
overspat a skettle in a skib. ' 

Cawcaught. Coocaged. - ^ 

And Dub did glow that night. In Fingal of victories. Cann- 
matha and Cathlin sang together. And the three shouters of 
glory. Yelling halfviewed their harps. Surly Tubal smiled upon 
drear Darthoola: and Roscranna's bolgaboyo begirlified the 
daughter of Cormac. The soul of everyelsesbody rolled into its 
olesoleself. A doublemonth's licence, lease on mirth, while hooney- 
moon and her flame went huneysuckling. Holyryssia, what boom 
of bells! What battle of bragues on Sandgate where met the bobby 
mobbed his bibby mabbing through the ryce. Even Tombs left 
doss and dunnage down in Demidoff 's tomb and drew on the 
dournailed clogs that Morty Manning left him and legged in by 
Ghoststown Gate, like Pompei up to date, with a sprig of White- 
boys heather on his late Luke Elcock's heirloom. And some say 
they seen old dummydeaf with a leaf of bronze on his cloak 
so grey, trooping his colour a pace to the reire. And as owfally 
posh with his halfcrown jool as if he was the Granjook Meckl or 
Paster de Grace on the Route de I'Epee. It was joobileejeu that 
All Sorts' Jour. Freestouters and publicranks, hafts on glaives. 
You could hear them swearing threaties on the Cymylaya 
Mountains, man. And giving it out to the Ould Fathach and louth- 
mouthing after the Healy Mealy with an enfysis to bring down 
the rain of Tarar. Nevertoletta ! Evertomind! The grandest 
bethehailey seen or heard on earth's conspectrum since Scape 

329 



the Goat, that gafr, ate the Suenders bible. Hadn't we heaven's 
lamps to hide us? Yet every lane had its lively spark and every 
spark had its several spurtles and each spitfire spurtle had some 
trick of her trade, a tease for Ned, nook's nestle for Fred and 
a peep at me mow for Peer Pol. So that Father Matt Hughes 
looked taytotally threbled. But Danno the Dane grimmed. Dune. 
'Twere yeg will elsecare doatty lanv meet they dewscent hyemn 
to cannons' roar and rifles' peal vill shantey soloweys sang! For 
there were no more Tyrrhanees and for Laxembraghs was pass- 
thecupper to Our Lader's. And it was dim upon the floods only 
and there was day on all the ground. 

Thus street spins legends while wharves woves tales but some 
family fewd felt a nick in their name. Old Vickers sate down on 
their airs and straightened the points of their lace. Red Rowleys 
popped out of their lairs and asked what was wrong with the 
race. Mick na Murrough used dripping in layers to shave 
all the furze off his face. The Burke-Lees and Coyle-Finns 
paid full feines for their sinns when the Cap and Miss Coolie 
were roped. 
(/^A^^^^:^::^ ,Rolloraped. 

With her banbax hoist from holder, zig for zag through pool 
and polder, cheap, cheap, cheap and Laughing Jack, all augurs 
scorenning, see the Bolche your pictures motion and Kitzy 
Kleinsuessmein eloping for that holm in Finn's Hotel Fiord, 
Nova Norening. Where they pulled down the kuddle and they 
made fray and if thee don't look homey, well, that Dook can eye 
Mae. 

He goat a berth. And she cot a manege. And wohl's gorse 
mundom ganna wedst. 

Knock knock. War's where! Which war.'* The Twwinns. 
Knock knock. Woos without! Without what? An apple. Knock 
. knock. 

rv kilder massed, one then and uhindred, (barefoot, birdy- 

hands, herringabone, beesknees), and they barneydansked a 
kathareen round to know the who and to show the howsome. 
Why was you hiding, moder of moders? And where was hunty, 

330 



I 

II 



poppa the gun? Pointing up to skyless heaven like the spoon out 
of sergeantmajor's tay. Which was the worst of them phaymix 
cupplerts? He's herd of hoarding and her faiths is altared. Becom- 
ing ungoing, their seeming sames for though that liamstone 
deaf do his part there's a windtreetop whipples the damp off the 
mourning. But tellusit allasif wellasits end. And the lunger it 
takes the swooner they tumble two. He knows he's just thrilling 
and she's sure she'd squeam. The threelegged man and the tulip- 
pied dewydress. Lludd hillmythey, we're brimming to hear! The 
durst he did and the first she ever? Peganeen Bushe, this isn't the 
polkar, catch as you cancan when high land fling! And you Tim 
Tommy Melooney, I'll tittle your barents if you stick that pigpin 
upinto meh! 

So in the names of the balder and of the sol and of the holli- 
chrost, ogsowearit, trisexnone, and by way of letting the aandt 
out of her grosskropper and leading the mokes home by their 
gribes, whoopsabout a plabbaside of plobbicides, alamam alemon, 
poison kerls, on this mounden of Delude, and in the high places 
of Delude of Isreal, which is Haraharem and the diublin's owld 
mounden over against Vikens, from your tarns, thwaites and 
thorpes, withes, tofts and fosses, fells, haughs and shaws, lunds, 
garths and dales, mensuring the megnominous as so will is the 
littleyest, the myrioheartzed with toroidal coil, eira area round 
wantanajocky, fin above wave after ducky do wndivvy, trader arm 
aslung beauty belt, the formor velican and nana karlikeevna, 
sommerlad and cinderenda, Valtivar and Viv, how Big Bil Brine 
Borumoter first took his gage at lil lolly lavvander waader since 
when capriole legs covets limbs of a crane and was it the twylyd 
or the mounth of the yare or the feint of her smell made the seo- 
men assalt of her (in imageascene all: whimwhim whimwhim). T^^"/ 
To the laetification of disgeneration by neuhumorisation of our i ^^^^' 
kristianiasation. As the last liar in the earth begeylywayled the 
first lady of the forest. Though Toot's pardoosled sauve I'hum- 
mour! For the joy of the dew on the flower of the fleets on the 
fields of the foam of the waves of the seas of the wild main from 
Borneholm has jest come to crown. 5^2' iC> 

331 



Snip snap snoody. Noo err historyend goody. Of a lil trip 
trap and a big treeskooner for he put off the ketyl and they 
^<SL made three (for fie!) and if hec dont love alpy then lad you 
annoy me. For hanigen with hunigen still haunt ahunt to finnd 
^ their hinnigen where Pappappapparrassannuaragheallachnatull- 

\\\ ^0 ' aghmonganmacmacmacwhackfalltherdebblenonthedubblandadd- 
. y doodled and anruly person creeked a jest. Gestapose to parry 
^ ?\off cheekars or frankfurters on the odor. Fine again, Cuoholson! 
. C ^l^eace, O wiley! 

Such was die act of goth stepping the tolk of Doolin, drain 
and plantage, wattle and daub, with you'll peel as Fll pale and 
we'll pull the boath toground togutter, testies touchwood and 
shenstone unto pop and puma, calf and condor, under all the 
gaauspices (incorporated), the chal and his chi, their roammerin 
over, gribgrobgrab reining trippetytrappety (so fore shalt thou 
flow, else thy cavern hair!) to whom she (anit likenand please- 
thee!). Till sealump becamedump to bumpslump a lifflebed, 
(alto la, allamarsch! O gue, O gue!). Kaemper Daemper to Jetty 
de Waarft, all the weight of that mons on his litde ribbeunuch! 
Him that gronde old mand to be that haard of heaering (afore 
said) and her the petty tondur with the fix in her changeable 
eye (which see). Lord, me lad, he goes with blowbierd, leedy, 
plasheous stream. But before that his loudship was converted to 
a landshop there was a little theogamyjig incidence that hoppy- 
go-jumpy Junuary morn when he colluded with the cad out on 
the beg amudst the fiounaregal gaames of those oathmassed 
fenians for whome he's forcecaused a bridge of the piers, at 
InverlefFy, mating pontine of their engagement, synnbildising 
graters and things, eke ysendt.'^ O nilly, not all, here's the first 
cataraction! As if ever she cared an assuan damm about her 
harpoons sticking all out of him whet between phoenix his 
calipers and that psourdonome sheath. Sdrats ye, Gus Paudheen ! 
Kenny's thought ye, Dinny Oozle! While the cit was leaking 
asphalt like a suburbiaurealis in liis rure was tucking to him like 
old booths, booths, booths, booths. 

Enterruption. Check or slowback. Dvershen. 

332 



^'-^ 



/ 



& 4. tiff I ^^^^ 



Why, wonder of wenchalows, what o szeszame open, v doer s t 
doing? V door s being. But how theng thingajarry miens but this 
being becoming n z doer? K? An o. It is ne not him what foots 
like a glove, shoehandschiner Pad Podomkin. Sooftly, anni 
slavey, szszuszchee is slowjaneska. 

The aged crafty nummifeed confusionary overinsured ever- 
lapsing accentuated katekattershin clopped, clopped, clopped, 
darsey dobrey, back and along the danzing corridor, as she was 
going to pimpim him, way boy wally, not without her comple- 
ment of cavarnan men, between the two deathdealing allied 
divisions and the lines of readypresent fire of the corkedagains up- 
stored, taken in giving the saloot, band your hands going in, bind 
your heads coming out, and remoltked to herselp in her serf's 
alown, a weerpovy willowy dreevy drawly and the patter of so 
familiars, farabroads and behomeans, as she shure sknows, boof 
for a booby, boo: new uses in their mewseyfume. The jammesons 
is a cook in his hair. And the juinnesses is a rapin his hind. And 
the Bullingdong caught the wind up. Dip. 

And the message she braught belaw from the missus she 
bragged abouve that had her agony stays outsize her sari chemise, 
blancking her shifts for to keep up the fascion since the king of 
all dronnings kissed her beeswixed hand, fang (pierce me, hunky, 
I'm full of meunders!), her fize like a tubtail of mondayne 
clothes, fed to the chaps with working medicals and her birthright 
pang that would split an atam like the forty pins in her hood, was 
to fader huncher a howdydowdy, to mountainy mots in her 
amnest plein language, from his fain a wan, his hot and tot lass, 
to pierce his ropeloop ear, how, Podushka be prayhasd, now the 
sowns of his loins were awinking and waking and his dorter of 
the hush lillabilla lullaby (lead us not into reformication with the 
poors in your thingdom of gory, O moan!), once after males, 
nonce at a time, with them Murphy's puffs she dursted with 
gnockmeggs and the bramborry cake for dour dorty dompling 
obayre Mattom Beetom and epsut the pfot and if he was whishtful 
to licture her caudal with chesty chach from his dauberg den 
and noviny news from Naul or toplots talks from morrienbaths 

333 



or a parrotsprate's cure for ensevelised lethurgies, spick's my 
spoon and the veriblest spoon, 'twas her hour for the chamber's 
ensallycopodium with love to melost Panny Kostello from 
X.Y. Zid for to folly billybobbis gibits porzy punzy and she was 
a wanton for De Marera to take her genial glow to bed. 

— This is time for my tubble, reflected Mr * Gladstone 
Browne' in the toll hut (it was choractoristic from that 'man of 
Delgany'). Dip. 

— This is me vulcanite smoking, profused Mr 'Bonaparte 
Nolan' under the natecup (one feels how one may hereby reekig- 
nites the 'ground old mahonagyan'). Dip. 

— And this is defender of defeater of defaulter of deformer 
of the funst man in Danelagh, willingtoned in with this glance 
dowon his browen and that born appalled noodlum the panellite 
pair's cummal delimitator, odding: Oliver White, he's as tiff as 
she's tight. And thisens his speak quite hoarse. Dip. 

In reverence to her midgetsy the lady of the comeallyous as 
madgestoo our own one's goff stature. Prosim, prosit, to the 
krk n yr nek I 

O rum it is the chomicalest thing how it pickles up the punchey 
and the jude. If you'll gimmy your thing to me I will gamey a sing 
to thee. Stay where you're dummy! To get her to go ther. He 
banged the scoop and she bagged the sugar while the whole 
pub's pobbel done a stare. On the mizzatint wall. With its chromo 
for all, crimm crimms. Showing holdmenag's asses sat by Allme- 
neck's men, canins to ride with em, canins that lept at em, woollied 
and flundered. 

So the katey's came and the katey's game. As so gangs sludge- 
nose. And that henchwench what hopped it dunneth there duft 
the. Duras. 

(Silents) 

Yes, we've conned thon print in its gloss so gay how it came 
from Finndlader's Yule to die day and it's Hey Tallaght Hoe on 
the king's highway with his hounds on the home at a turning. 
To Donnicoombe Fairing. Millikin's Pass. When visiting at 
Izd-la-Chapelle taste the lipe of the waters from Carlowman's Cup. 

334 



* 



^ 

i 



.4^' AT 



It tellyhows its story to their six of hearts, a twelve-eyed man; 
for whom has madjestky who since is dyed drown reign before 
the izba. 

Au! Au! Aue! Ha! Heish! r^^"'^ r M?.-e/t7 
As stage to set by ritual rote for the grimm grimm tale of the 
four of hyacinths, the deafeeled carp and the bugler's dozen of l^^-^ 
leagues-in-amour or how Holispolis went to Parkland with 
mabby and sammy and sonny and sissy and mop's varlet de 
shambles and all to find the right place for it by peep o'skirt or / . 
pipe a skirl when the hundt called a halt on the chivvychace of ' , , , / 
^■^1 the ground sloper at that ligtning lovemaker's thender apeal till, 

between wandering weather and stable wind, vastelend hosteil- B 
end, neuziel and oltrigger some, Bullyclubber burgherly shut 
the rush in general. ' 

Let us propel us for the frey of the fray! Us, us, beraddy ! / t 

Ko Niutirenis hauru leish! A lala! Ko Niutirenis haururu ^^^^ 
laleish! Ala lala! The Wullingthund sturm is breaking. The 
sound of maormaoring. The Wellingthund sturm waxes fuer- 
cilier. The whackawhacks of the sturm. Katu te ihis ihis ! Katu ^ ^ 
te wana wana! The strength of the rawshorn generand is known 
throughout the world. Let us say if we may what a weeny 
wukeleen can do. 

Au! Au! Aue! Ha! Heish! A lala! 

— Paud the roosky, weren't they all of them then each in his 
different way of saying calling on tha.^e_in the same time 
hibernian knights underthaner that was having, half for the laugh ^kxi-A % 

of the bliss it sint„barbaras another doesend end once tale of a ' ^ " 
tublin wished on to him with its olives ocolombs and its hills 
owns ravings and Tutty his tour in his Nowhare's yarcht. It was 
before when Aimee stood for Arthurduke for the figger in pro- 
fane and fell from grace so madlley for fill the flatter fellows. 
(They were saying). And it was the lang in die shirt in the green 
of the wood, where obelisk rises when odalisks fall, major threft \^^^ 
on the make and jollyjacques spindthrift on the merry (O Mr 
Mathurin, they were calling, what a topheavy hat you're in! And '^^^/^^f 
there aramny maeud, then they were saying, these so piou- 



335 



pious!). And it was cyclums cyclorums after he made design on 
the corse and he want to mess on him (enterellbo add all taller 
Danis), back, seater and sides, and he applied (I'm amazingly 
sorracer!) the wholed bould shoulderedboy's width for fullness, 
measures for messieurs, messer's massed, (they were saycalling 
again and agone and all over agun, the louthly meathers, the 
loudly meaders, the lously measlers, six to one, bar ones). 
And they pled him beheighten the firing. Dope. 
/^iiJfi^ Maltpmeetim, alltomatetam, when a tale tarries shome shunter 

shove on. Fore auld they wauld to pree. 
Pray. 

Of this Mr A (tillalaric) and these wasch woman (dapple- 
hued), fhronehflord and feeofeeds, who had insue keen and able 
and a spindlesong aside, nothing more is told until now, his 
awebrume hour, her sere Sahara of sad oakleaves. And then. Be 
old. The next thing is. We are once amore as babes awondering 
in a wold made fresh where with the hen in the storyaboot we 
start from scratch. 

So the truce, the old truce and nattonbuff the truce, boys. 
Drouth is stronger than faction. Slant. Shinshin. Shinshin. 

— It was of The Grant, old gartener, qua golden meddlist, 
Publius Manlius, fuderal private, (his place is his poster, sure, they 
said, and we're going to mark it, sore, they said, with a carbon 
caustick manner) bequother the liberaloider at his petty corpore- 
lezzo that hung caughtnapping from his baited breath, it was of 
him, my wife and I thinks, to feel to every of the younging fruits, 
tenderosed like an atalantic's breastswells or, on a second wreath- 
ing, a bright tauth bight shimmeryshaking for the welt of his 
plow. And where the peckadillies at his wristsends meetings be 
loving so lightly dovessoild the candidacy, me wipin eye sinks, 
of his softboiled bosom should be apparient even to our illicterate 
of nullatinenties. 

All to which not a lot snapped The Nolan of the Calabashes 
at his whilom eweheart photognomist who by this sum taken 
was as much incensed by Saint Bruno as that what he had con- 
summed was his own panegoric, and wot a lout about it if it was 

336 



only a pippappofF pigeon shoot that gracesold getrunner, the 
man of centuries, was bowled out by judge, jury and umpire at 
batman's biff like a witchbefooled legate. Dupe. 

His almonence being alaterelly in dispensation with his three 
oldher patrons' aid, providencer's divine cow to milkfeeding 
mleckman, bonafacies to solafides, what matter what all his 
freudzay or who holds his hat to harm him, let hutch just keep 
on under at being a vanished consinent and let annapal livibel 
prettily prattle a lude all her own. And be that semeliminal 
salmon solemonly angled, ingate and outgate. A truce to lovecalls, 
dulled in warclothes, maleybags, things and bleakhusen. Leave 
the letter that never begins to go find the latter that ever comes 
to end, written in smoke and blurred by mist and signed of 
solitude, sealed at night. 

Simply. As says the mug in the middle, nay brian nay noel, 
ney billy ney boney. Imagine twee cweamy wosen. Suppwose 
you get a beautiful thought and cull them sylvias sub silence. 
Then inmaggin a stotterer. Suppoutre him to been one bigger- 
master Omnibil. Then lustily (tutu the font and tritt on the boks- 
woods like gay feeters's dance) immengine up to three longly 
lurking lobstarts. Fair instents the Will Woolsley Wellaslayers. 
Pet her, pink him, play pranks with them. She will nod ampro- 
perly smile. He may seem to appraisiate it. They are as piractical 
jukersmen sure to paltipsypote. Feel the wollies drippeling out 
of your fingathumbs. Says to youssilves (floweers have ears, 
heahear!) solowly: So these ease Budlim! How do, dainty dau- 
limbs.^ So peached to pick on you in this way, prue and simple, 
pritt and spry! Heyday too, Malster Faunagon, and hopes your 
hahititahiti licks the mankey nuts! And oodlum hoodlum dood- 
lum to yes, Donn, Teague and Hurleg, who the bullocks brought 
you here and how the hillocks are ye.'* 

We want Bud. We want Bud Budderly. We want Bud Budderly 
boddily. There he is in his Borrisalooner. The man that shunned 
the rucks on Gereland. The man thut won the bettUe of the 
bawll. Order, order, order, order! And tough. We call on Tan- 
cred Artaxerxes Flavin to compeer with Barnabas Ulick Dunne. 

337 



Order, order, order! Milster Malster in the chair. We've heard it 

( 

^' sinse sung thousandtimes. How Burghley shuck the rackushant 

Germanon. For Ehren^ boys, gobrawl! ^ ^^^T J^ft^^r 

A public plouse. C itizen soldiers. ^ -« , ^ ^ 

TAFF (a smaTt hoy^ of the peat freers^ thirty two eleven^ looking 
through the roof towards a relevution of the karmalife order privious 
^^v^ to his hoisting of an emergency umber olum in hyway of paraguastical 
solation to the rhyttel in his hedd). All was flashing and krashning 
Qj^"^^^ biurty moriartsky blutcherudd.'^ What see, buttywalch.'^ Tell ever 

yr^^ so often .'^ 

BUTT {mottledged youthy clergical appealance^ who, as his pied 
friary is supposing to motto the sorry dejester in tifftaff toffiness or 
to he digarced from ever and a daye in his accounts^. But da. But 
dada, mwilshsuni. Till even so aften. Sea vaast a pool! 

TAFF {porumptly helping himself out by the cesspull with a yellup 
yurrupy puts up his furry furied hare). Butly bitly! Humme to our 
mounthings. Conscribe him tillusk, unt, in his jubalant tubalence, 
the groundsapper, with his soilday site out on his moulday side 
^ in. The gubernier-gerenal in laut-lievtonant of Baltiskeeamore, 

~^ ' amaltheouse for leporty hole! Endues paramilintary langdwage. 

The saillils of the yellavs nocadont palignol urdlesh. Shelltoss 
and welltass and telltuss aghom! Sling Stranaslang, how Malo- 
razzias spikes her, coining a speak a spake! Not the Setanik stuff 
that slimed soft Siranouche! The good old gunshop monowards 
for manosymples. Tincurs tammit! They did oak hay doe fou 
Chang-li-meng when that man d'airain was big top tom saw tip 
side bum boss pageantfiller. Ajaculate! All lea light! Rassamble 
the glowrings of Bruyant the Bref when the Mollies Makehal- 
pence took his leg for his thumb. And may he be too an intrepida- 
tion of our dreams which we foregot at wiking when the morn 
hath razed out limpalove and the bleakfrost chilled our ravery! 
Pook. Sing ching lew mang! Upgo, bobbycop! Lets hear in 
remember the braise of. Hold! 

BUTT {drawling forth from his blousom whereis meditabound of 
his minkerstaryy switches on his gorsecopper s fling weitoheito long- 
thorny fed up the grain oils of Aerin, while his laugh neighs banck as 

338 



tAat flashermind' s rays and his Rpponease longuewedge wambles). 
Ullahbluh! Sehyoh narar, pokehole sann! Manhead very dirty by 
am anoyato. Like old Dolldy Icon when he cooked up his iggs 
in bicon. He gatovit and me gotafit and Oalgoak's Cheloven gut 
a fudden. Povar old pitschobed! Molodezrious of metchennacht 
belaburt that pentschmyaso I Bog carsse and dam neat, sar, gam 
cant! Limbers affront of him, lumbers behund. While the bucks 
bite his dos his hart bides the ros till the bounds of his bays bell 
the warning. Sobaiter sobarkar. He was enmiyallupped. Chro- 
mean fastion. With all his cannoball wappents. In his raglanrock 
and his malakoiffed b^ulbsbyg and his varnashed roscians and his 
cardigans blousejagged and his scarlett manchokuffs and his tree- 
coloured camiflag and his perikopendolous gaelstorms. Here 
weeks hire pulchers! Obriania's beromst! From Karrs and 
Polikoff's, the men's confessioners. Seval shimars pleasant 
time payings. Mousoumeselles buckwoulds look. Tenter and 
likelings. f y v 

TAFF (all Perssiasterssias shookatnaratatattar at his waggon- 
horchers^ his bulgeglarying star gapers ranledanlingly full of eyes^ ^ j 
full of balls y full of holes^ full of buttons^ full of stains ^ full of medals ^ ? ? ' ^ 
full of blickblackblobs). Grozarktic! Toadlebens! Some garment- / 
guy! Insects appalling, low hum clang sin! A cheap decoy! Too 
deep destroy! Say mangraphique, may say nay por daguerre! \ 

BUTT (if that he hids foregodden has nate of glo:^ery farused ameet 
theflorahs of thefpllest^ his spent fish's livid smile giving allasundery 
the bumfit of the doped). Come alleyou jupes of Wymmingtown 
that graze the calves of Man! A bear raigning in his heavenspawn 
consomation robes. Rent, outraged, yewleaved, grained, bal- - 
looned, hindergored and voluant! Erminia's capecloaked hoo- V 
doodman! First he s s st steppes. Then he st stoo stoopt. Lookt. ' 

TAFF {strick struck strangling like aleal lusky Lubliner to merum- 
her by the cycl of the cruise who strungled Attahilloupa with what 
empoisoned El Monte de Zuma and failing wilnaynilnay that he 
was pallups barn in the minkst of the Krumlin hefodt he was pop- 
soused into the monkst of the vatercan^ makes the holypolygon of 
„<?/?f„l4lJJ-.^^^-y'^^/^^r, a little farther, a little soon^ a lettera- 
339 



cettera^ oukraydoubray). Scutterer of guld, he is retourious on 
every roudery! The lyewdsky so so sewn of a fitchid! With his 
walshbrushup. And his boney bogey braggs. 

BUTT {after his tongues in his cheeks^ with pinkpoker pointing 
out in rutene to impassible abjects beyond the mistomist towards 
Lissnaluhy such as the Djublian Alps and the Hoofd Ribeiro as 
where he and his trulock may ever make a game). The field of 
karhags and that bloasted tree. Forget not the felled! For the 
lomondations of Oghrem! Warful doon*s bothem. Here furry 
glunn. Nye? Their feery pass. Tak! With guerillaman aspear 
aspoor to prink the pranks of primkissies. And the buddies be- 
hide in the byre. Allahblah I 

TAFF (a blackseer^ he s troves to regulect all the straggles for wife 
in the rut of the past through the widnows in effigies keening after the 
blank sheets in their faminy to the relix of old decency from over 
draught). Oh day of rath! Ah, murther of mines! Eh, selo moy! 
Uh, Zulu luy! Bernesson Mac Mahahon from Osro bearing nose 
easger for sweeth prolettas on his swooth prowl! 

BUTT {back to his peatrol and paump: swee Gees wee rest: no 
more applehooley: dodewodedook). Bruinoboroff, the hooney- 
moonger, and the grizzliest manmichal in Meideveide! Whose 
annal livves the hoiest! For he devoused the lelias on the fined 
and he conforted samp, tramp and marchint out of the drumbume 
of a narse. Guards, serf Finnland, serve we all ! 

TAFF {whatwidth the psychophannies at the front and whetwadth 
the psuckofumbers beholden the fair ^ Ulcer tain^ between his bulchri- 
chudes and the roshashanaral^ where he sees Bishop Ribboncake plus 
his pollex priced going forth on his visitations of mirrage or Miss 
Hori^onj justso all our fannacies daintied her^ on the curve of the 
camber^ unsheathing a showlaced limbaloft to the great consternations). 
Divulge! Hyededye, kittyls, and howdeddoh, pan! Poshbott and 
pulbuties. See that we soli or let dargman be luna as strait a way 
as your ant's folly me line while ye post is goang from Piping 
Pubwirth to Haunted Hillborough on his Mujiksy's Zaravence, 
the Riss, the Ross, the sur of all Russers, as my farst is near to 
hear and my sackend is meet to sedon while my whole's a peer's 

340 



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aureolies. We should say you dones the polecad. Bang on the 
booche, gurg in the gorge, rap on the roof and your flup is unbu... 

BUTT (at the signal of his act which seems to sharpnel his 
irmermals menody^ playing the spool of the little brown jog round the 
wheel of her whang goes the millner). Buckily buckily, blodestained 
boyne! Bimbambombumb. His snapper was shot in the Rumjar c/vvwv^A-<j^ 
Journaral. Why the gigls he lubbed beeyed him. 

TAFF (obliges with a two stopyogacoga sumphoiyon the bones for ivory 
girl and ebony boy), The^balacleivka ! Trovatarovitch ! I trumble! 

BUTT (with the sickle of a scygthe but the humour of a hummer ^ 0, 
howorodies through his cholaroguled^ fumfing to a fullfrength with 
this wallowing olfact). Mortar martar tartar wartar! May his 
boules grow wider so his skittles gets worse! The aged monad '■.o ' .J 
making a venture out of the murder of investment. I seen him 
acting surgent what betwinks the scimitar star and the ashen 
moon. By their lights shalthow throw him! Piff paff for puffpufF 
and my pife for his cgar! The mlachy way for gambling. 

\Up to this curkscraw bind an admirable verbivocovisual pre- 
sentment of the worldrenownced Caerholme Event has been being 
given by The Irish Race and World. The huddled and aliven stable- 
crashers have shared fleetfooted enthusiasm with the paddocks 
dare and ditches tare while the mews was combing ground, Hippo- 
hopparray helioscope flashed winsor places as the gates might see, 
Meusdeus! That was (with burning briar) Mr Twomass Noho- 
holan for their common contribe satisfunction in the purports of 
amusedment telling the Verily Roverend Father Epiphanes 
shrines hriver of Saint DhorougK s (in browne bomler) how 
(assuary as there s a bonum in your osstheology!) Backlegs 
shirked the racing kenneldar. The saintly scholar is t's roastering 
guffalawd of nupersaturals holler at this metanoic excomologosis 
tells oj the chestnut s (once again^ Wittyngtom!) absolutionally 
romptyhompty successfulness. A lot of lasses and lads without 
damas or dads^ but fresh and blued with collecting boxes. One 
aught spare ones trifle ts^ to be shut: it is Coppingers for the 
children. Slippery Sam hard by them^ physically present how- 

341 



somedever morally absent^ was slooching about in his knavish 
diamonds asking GmaXy Knox and the Dmuggies (a pinnance for 
your toughts^ turffers/) to deck the ace of duds, Tomtinker Tim^ 
howbeity his unremitting retainer^ {the seers are the seers of 
Samael but the heers are the heers of Timoth) is in Booker s 
Gloom, soalken steady in his sulken tents. Baldawl the curse, 
baledale the day! And the frocks of shick sheeples in their shum- 
mering insamples! You see: a chiefsmith, semperal scandal 
stinkmakers^ a middinest from the Casablanca and^ of course^ 
Mr Fry. Harass! Pardon the inquisition^ causas es quostas? It 
is Da Valorem* s Dominical Brayers. Why coif that weird hood? 
Because among nosoever circusdances is to be apprehended the 
dustungwashed poltronage of the lost Gabbarnaur-Jaggarnath. 
Pamjab! Gross Jumpiter^ whud was thud? Luckluckluckluck- 
luckluckluck! It is the Thousand to One Guinea-Gooseberry s 
Lipperfull Slipver Cup. Hold hard, ridesiddle titelittle Pitsy 
Riley! Gurragrunch, gurragrunch! They are at the turn of the 
fourth of the hurdles. By the hross of Xristos^ Holophullopopu- 
lace is a shote of excramation! Bumchub! Emancipator, the 
Creman hunter {Major Her my n C. Entwhistle) with dramatic 
effect reproducing the form of famous sires on the scene of the 
formers triumphs^ is showing the eagle's way to Mr JVhayte- 
haytes three buy geldings Homo Made Ink, Bailey Beacon 
and Ratatuohy while Furstin II and The Other Girl {Mrs 
'Boss* Waters^ Leavybrink) too early spring dabbles^ are showing 
a clean pairofhids to Immensipater. Sinkathinks to oppen here! 
To this virgins tuft^ on this golden of evens! I never sought of 
sinkathink. Our lorkmakor he is proformly annuysed. He is 
shinkly thinkly shaking in his schayns. Sat will be off follteedee. 
This ^ejj^reme has being efferedyou by Bett and Tipp. Tipp and 
Bett, our swapstick quackchancers^ in From Topphole to Bot- 
tom o/The Irish Race and World.] 

TAFF {awary that the first sports report of Loundin Reginald 
has now been after thoughtfully colliberated by a saggind spurts 
flash, takes the dipperend direction and^ for tasing the tiomor of 

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malaise after the pognency of orangultoniay orients by way of Sagit- 
tarius towards Draco on the Lour), And you collier carsst on him, 
the corsar, with Boyle, Burke and Campbell, I'll gogemble on 
strangbones tomb. You had just been cerberating a camp camp 
camp to Saint Sepulchre's march through the armeemonds re- 
treat with the boys all marshalled, scattering giant's hail over the 
curseway, fellowed along the rout by the stenchions of the 
corpse. Tell the coldspell's terroth! If you please, commeylad! 
Perfedes Albionias! Think some ingain think, as Teakortairer 
sate over the Galwegian caftan forewhen Orops and Aasas were 
chooldrengs and micramacrees ! A forward movement, Miles na 
Bogaleen, and despatch! 

BUTT {slinking his coatsleeves surdout over his squad mutton 
shoulder so as to loop more life the jauntlyman as he scents the 
^^SS^^B^^ y^P behound their whole scoopchinas desperate noy's 
totalage and explaining aposteriorly how awstooloo was valde- 
somhre helowes hero and he was in a greak esthate phophiar an 
erixtion on the soseptuple side of him made spoil apriori his popo- 
porportiums). Yass, zotnyzor, I don't think I did not, pojr. Never 
you brother me for I scout it, think you ! Ichts nichts on nichts ! 
Creates Schtschuptar ! Me fol the rawlawdy in the schpirrt of a 
schkrepz. Of all the quirasses and all the qwehrmin in the tra- 
gedoes of those antiants their grandoper, that soun of a gun- 
nong, with his sabaothsopolettes, smooking his scandleloose at 
botthends of him! Foinn duhans! I grandthinked after his obras 
after another time about the itch in his egondoom he was legging 
boldylugged from some pulversporochs and lyoking for a stool- 
eazy for to nemesisplotsch allafranka and for to salubrate himself 
with an ultradungs heavenly mass at his base by a suprime pomp- 
ship chorams the perished popes, the reverend and allaverred 
cromlecks, and when I heard his lewdbrogue reciping his cheap 
cheateary gospeds to sintry and santry and sentry and suntry I 
thought he was only haftara having afterhis brokeforths but be 
the homely Churopodvas I no sooner seen aghist of his frighte- 
ousness then I was bibbering with vear a few versets off fooling for 
fjorg for my fifth foot. Of manifest 'tis obedience and the. Flute! 

343 



TAFF {though the unglucksarsoon is giming for to git him^ jotning 
in, hoghly ligious, hapagodlap, like a soldierry sap, with a pique at 
his cue and a tyr in his eye and a bond of his back and a croak in his 
cry as did jolly well harm lean o'er him) Is not athug who would. 
Weepon, weeponder, song of sorrowmon! Which goatheye 
and sheepskeer they damnty well know. Papaist! Gambanman! 
Take the cawraidd's blow! Yia! Your partridge's last! 

BUTT {giving his scimmianised twinge in acknuckledownedgment 
of this cumulikick, strafe from the firetrench, studenly drobs led, sa- 
toniseels ouchyotchy, he changecors induniforms as he is lefting the 
gat out of the big: his face glows green, his hair greys white, his 
hleyes bcome broon to suite his cultic twalette). But when I seeing 
him in his oneship fetch along within hail that tourrible tall 
with his nitshnykopfgoknob and attempting like a brandylogged 
rudeman cathargic, lugging up and laiding down his livepelts 
so cruschinly like Mebbuck at Messar and expousing his old 
skinful self tailtottom by manurevring in open ordure to renew- 
murature with the cowruads in their airish pleasantry I thanked 
he was recovering breadth from some herdsquatters beyond the 
carcasses and I couldn't erver nerver to tell a Hard story not of I 
knew the prize if from lead or alimoney. But when I got inoccu- 
pation of a full new of his old basemiddelism, in ackshan, pagne 
pogne, by the veereyed lights of the stormtrooping clouds and 
in the sheenfiare of the batdeaxes of the heroim and mid die 
shieldfails awail of the bitteraccents of the sorafim and caught the 
pfierce tsmell of his aurals, orankastank, a suphead setrapped, 
like Peder the Greste, altipaltar, my bill it forsooks allegiance 
(gut bull it!) and, no lie is this, I was babbeing and yetaghain 
bubbering, bibbelboy, me marrues me shkewers me gnaas me 
fiet, tob tob tob beat it, solongopatom. Clummensy if ever mis- 
used, must used you's now! But, meac Coolp, Arram of Eirze- 
rum, as I love our Deer Dirouchy, I confesses withould pride- 
jealice when I looked upon the Saur of all the Haurousians with 
die weight of his arge fullin upon him from the travaillings of 
his tommuck and rueckenased the fates of a bosser there was fear 
on me the sons of Nuad for him and it was heavy he was for me 

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then the way I immingled my Irmenial hairmaierians ammon- 
gled his Gospolis fomiliours till, achaura moucreas, I adn't the 
arts to. 

TAFF (as a marrcr off act, prepensing how such waldmanns from 
Burnias seduced country clowns^ he is preposing harangaparang 
after going knowing what he is doing after to see him pluggy well 
moidered as a murder effect^ you bet your hlowie knife^ before he 
doie soie^ sopprused though he is) Grot Zot! You hidn't the hurts? 
Vott Fonn ! 

BUTT {hearing somrother sudly give twor three peevish sniff snuff 
snoores like govalise falseleep he waitawhishts to see might he stirs 
and then goes on kuldrum like without asking for pepeace or anysing 
a soul). Merzmard! I met with whom it was too late. My fate! O 
hate! Fairwail! Fearwealing of the groan! And think of that 
when you smugs to bagot. 

TAFF (who meanwhilome at yarns length so as to put a nodje 
in the poestcher^ by wile of stoccan his hand and of rooma makin 
her getting umptyums gatherumed off the skattert^ had been lavish- 
ing^ lagan on lighthouse^ words of silent power^ susu glouglou biri- 
biri gongoSj upon the repleted speechsalver ^s innkeeping right which^ 
thanks giveme and naperied norms nonobstaclant, there can be little 
doubt y have resulted in a momstchance ministring of another guid- 
ness, my good^ to see) Bompromifazzio ! Shumpum for Pa-li-di 
and oukosouso for the nipper dandy! Trink off this scup and be 
bladdy orafferteed ! To bug at? 

BUTT (he whipedoff's his chimbley phot^ as lips lovecurling to the 
tongueopener ^ he takecups the communion of sense at the hands of 
the foregiver of trosstpassers and thereinofter centelinnates that 
potifex miximhost with haruspical hospedariaty proferring into his 
pauses somewhot salt bacon), Theres scares knud in this gnarld 
warld a fully so svend as dilates for the improvement of our 
foerses of nature by your very ample solvent of referacting upon 
me like is boesen fiennd. 

\The other foregotthened abbosed in the Mullingaria are 
during this swishingsight teilweisioned. How the fictionable world 

345 



in Fruiian Creamtartery is loading off heavy furses and affubling 
themselves with muc kins tushes. The neatschknee Novgolosh. How 
the spinach ruddocks are being tatoovatted up for the second 
comings of antigreenst. Hehencros for Aromal Peace. How 
Alibey Ibrahim wisheths Bella Suora to a holy cryptmahs while 
the Arumbian Knives Riders axecutes devilances round the 
jehumispheure. Learn the Nunsturk, How Old Vales beys is 
making reholutions for the cunning New Yirls, never elding^ 
still begiddingj never to mate to lend^ never to ate selleries and 
never to add soulleries and never to ant sulleries and never to aid 
sillcries with sucharow with sotchyouroff as Burkeleys Show's 
a ructiongetherall. Phone for Phineal toomellow aftermorn and 
your phumeraVs a roselixion.] 

TAFF (now as he has been past the buckthurnstock from Peadhar 
Piper of Colliguchuna^ whiles they all are bealting pots to dubrin 
din for old daddam dombstom to tomb and wamb humbs lumbs 
agamb^ glimpse agam^ glance agen^ rise up road and hive up hill^ 
and find your pollyvoulley foncey pitchin ingles in the parler). Since 
you are on for versingrhetorish say your piece! How Buccleuch 
shocked the rosing girnirilles. A ballet of Gasty Power. A hov 
and az ov and off like a gow! And don't live out the sad of tearfs, 
piddyawhick! Not offgott affsang is you, buthbach? Ath yet- 
heredayth noth endeth, hay? Vaersegood! Buckle to! Sayyessik, 
Ballygarry. The fourscore soculums are watchyoumaycodding 
to cooll the skoopgoods blooff. Harkabuddy, feign! Tliingman 
placeyear howed wholst somwom shimwhir tinkledinkledelled. 
Shinfine deed in the myrtle of the bog tway fainmain stod op to 
slog, free bond men lay lurkin on. Tuan about whattinghim! 
Fore sneezturmdrappen ! 'Twill be a rpnice pscliange, arrah, sir.'^ 
Can you come it, budd? 

BUTT (who in the cushlows of his goods for seeking hoarth^ ever 
fondlinger of his pimple spurk^ is a niallist of the ninth homestages^ 
the babybell in his baggutstract upper going off allatwanst, begad, 
lest he should challenge himself beygoad, till angush). Horrasure, 
toff! As said as would. It was Colporal Phailinx first. Hittit was 

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of another time, a white horsday where the midril met the bulg, 
sbogom, roughnow along about the first equinarx in the cholon- 
der, on the plain of Khorason as thou goest from the mount of 
Bekel, Steep Nemorn, elve hundred and therety and to years 
how the krow flees end in deed, after a power of skimiskes, 
blodidens and godinats of them, when we sight the beasts, (heg- 
heg whatlk of wraimy wetter!), moist moonful date man aver 
held dimsdzey death with, and higheye was in the Reilly Oirish 
Krzerszonese Milesia asundurst Sirdarthar Woolwichleagues, 
good tomkeys years somewhile in Crimealian wall samewhere 
in Ayerland, during me weeping stillstumms over the freshprosts 
of Eastchept and the dangling garters of Marrowbone and daring 
my wapping stiltstunts on Bostion Moss, old stile and new style 
and heave a lep onwards. And winn again, blaguadargoos, or 
lues the day, plays goat, the banshee pealer, if moskats knows 
whoss whizz, the great day and the druidful day come San 
Patrisky and the grand day, the excellent fine splendorous long 
agreeable toastworthy cylindrical day, go Sixt of the Ninth, the 
heptahundread annam dammias that Hajizfijjiz ells me is and 
will and was be till the timelag is in it that's told in the Bok of 
Alam to columnkill all the prefacies of Erin gone brugk. But 
Icantenue. And incommixtion. We was lowsome like till we'd 
took out after the dead beats. So I begin to study and I soon 
show them day's reasons how to give the cold shake to they 
blighty perishers and lay one over the beats. All feller he look 
he call all feller come longa villa finish. Toumbalo, how was 
I acclapadad! From them banjopeddlars on the raid. Gidding 
up me anti vanillas and getting off the stissas me aunties. 
Boxerising and coxerusing. And swiping a johnny dann 
sweept for to exercitise myself neverwithstanding the topkats 
and his roaming cartridges, orussheying and patronning, out 
all over Crummwiliam wall. Be the why it was me who haw 
haw. 

TAFF {all for letting his tinder and lighting be put to beheiss in 
the feuer and^ while durblinly obasiant to the felicias of the skivis, 
still smolking his fulvurite turfkish in the rooking pressance of 

347 



laddios), Yaa hoo how how, col? Whom battles joined no bottles 
sever! Worn't you aid a comp? 

BUTT (in his difficoltous tresdobremient^ he feels a bitvalike a 
baddlefall of staot but falls a batforlake a borrlefull of bare). And 
me awlphul omegrims! Between me rassociations in the postlea- 
deny past and me disconnections with aplompervious futules 
I've a boodle full of maimeries in me buzzim and medears runs 
sloze, bleime, as I now with platoonic leave recoil in (how the 
thickens they come back to one to rust!) me misenary post for 
all them old boyars that's now boomaringing in waulholler, me 
alma marthyrs. I dring to them, bycorn spirits fuselaiding, and 
you cullies adjutant, even where its contentsed wody, with 
absents wehrmuth. Junglemen in agleement, I give thee our 
greatly swooren, Theoccupant that Rueandredful, the thrown- 
fullvner and all our royal devouts with the arrest of the whole 
inhibitance of Neuilands ! One brief mouth. And a velligoolap- 
now ! Meould attashees the currgans, (if they could get a kick at 
this time for all that's hapenced to us!) Cedric said Gormleyson 
and Danno O'Dunnochoo and Conno O'Cannochar it is this 
were their names for we were all under that manner barracksers 
on Kong Gores Wood together, thurkmen three, with those 
khakireinettes, our miladies in their toileries, the twum plum- 
yumnietcies, Vjeras Vjenaskayas, of old Djadja Uncken who 
was a great mark for jinking and junking, up the palposes of 
womth and wamth, we war, and the charme of their lyse brocade. 
For lispias harth a burm in eye but whem it bames fire norone 
screeneth. Hulp, hulp, huzzars! Raise ras tryracy! Freetime's 
free! Up Lancesters! Anathem! 

TAFF (who still senses that heavinscent houroines that enter- 
trained him who they were sinuorivals from the sunny Espionia but 
plied wopsy with his wallets in thatthack of the bustle Bakerloo^ 
(11.32), passing the uninational truthbosh in smoothing irony over 
the multinotcher ailed infructuosities of his grinner set). The rib, ^ 
the rib, die quean of oldbyrdes, Sinya Sonyavitches! Your 
Rhoda Cockardes that are raday to embrace our ruddy inflamtry 
world! In their ohosililesvienne biribarbebeway. Till they've 

348 



kinks in their tringers and boils on their taws. Whor dor the pene 
lie, Mer Pencho? 1st dramhead countmortial or gonorrhal stab? 
Mind your pughs and keaoghs, if you piggots, marsh! Do the 
nut, dingbut! Be a dag! For zahur and zimmerminnes! Sing in 
the chorias to the ethur: 

[In the heliotropical noughttime following a fade of trans- 
formed Tuff and, pending its viseversion, a metenergic reglow 
of beaming Batt, the hairdhoard bombardment screen, if taste- 
fully taut guranium satin, tends to teleframe and step up to 
the charge of a light barricade. Down the photoslope in syncopanc 
pulses, with the bitts bugtwug their teffs, the missledhropes, 
glitter aglatteraglutt, borne by their carnier waive. Spraygun 
rakes and splits them from a double focus: grenadite, damny- 
mite, alextronite, nichilite: and the scanning firespot of the 
sgunners traverses the rutilanced illustred sunksundered lines. 
Shlosshf A gaspel truce leaks out over the caeseine coatings. 
Amid a fluorescence of spectracular mephiticism there caoculates 
through the inconoscope stealdily a still, the figure of a fellow- 
chap in the wohly ghast, Popey O' Donos hough, the jesuneral 
of the russuates. The idolon exhibisces the seals of his orders: 
the starre of the Son of Heaven, the girtel of I-^odella the Calot- 
tica, the cross of Michelides Apaleogos, the latchet of Jan of 
Nepomuk, the puffpuff and pompom of Powther and Pall, the 
great belt, hand and bucklings of the Martyrology of Gorman. 
It is for the castomercies mudwake surveice. The victar. Pleace 
to notnoys speech above your dreadths, please to doughboys. Hll, 
smthngs gnwrng wthth sprsnwtch! He blanks his oggles because 
he confesses to all his tellavicious nieces. He blocks his nosoes be- 
cause that he confesses to everywheres he was always putting up his 
latest faengers. He wollops his mouther with a sword of tusk in as 
because that he confesses how opten he used be obening her howonton 
he used be under ing her. He boundles alltogotter his manucupes 
with his pedarrests in asmuch as because that he confesses before 
all his handcomplishies and behind all his comfoderacies. And 
Qiereis cant came back saying he codant steal no lunger, yessis, 

349 



ca^^ corm buck beqitzs he caudant stall awake) he touched upon 
this tree of livings in the middenst of the garerden for inasmuch 
as because that he confessed to it on Hillel and down Dalem and 
in the places which the lepers inhabit in the place of the stones 
and in pontofert jusfuggading amoret now he come to think of it 
jolly well ruttengenerously olyovyover the ole blucky shop. Pugger 
old Pumpey 0* Dungaschifff There will be a hen collection of him 
after avensung on the field of Hanar. Dumble down^ looties and 
gengstermen! Dtin^ dtin^ dtin^ dtin/] 

BUTT (with a gisture expansive of Mr Lhugewhite Cadderpollard 
with sunflawered beautonhole pulled up point blanck by mailbag 
mundaynism at Oldbally Court though the hissindensity buck far 
of his melovelance tells how when he was fast marking his first 
lord for cremation the whyfe of his bothem was the very lad's thing 
to elter his mehind). Prostatates, pujealousties! Dovolnoisers, 
prayshyous! Defense in every circumstancias of deboutcheries 
no the chaste daffs ! Pack pickets, pioghs and kughs to be palsey- 
putred ! Be at the peme, prease, of not forgetting or mere betoken 
yourself to hother prace! Correct me, pleatze commando, for 
cossakes but I abjure of it. No more basquibezigues for this pole 
aprican! With askormiles' eskermillas. I had my billyfell of 
duckish delights the whole pukny time on rawmeots and juliannes 
with their lambstoels in my kiddeneys and my ramsbutter in 
their sassenacher ribs, knee her, do her and trey her, when 
th'osirian cumb dumb like the whalf on the fiord and we prey- 
ing players and pinching peacesmokes, troupkers tomiatskyns 
all, for Father Petrie Spence of Parishmoslattary to go and leave 
us and the crimsend daun to shellalite on the darkumen (scene 
as signed, Slobabogue), feeding and sleeping on the huguenottes 
(the snuggest spalniel's where the lieon's tame!) and raiding 
revolations over the allbegeneses (sand us and saint us and 
sound as agun!). Yet still in all, spit for spat, like we chantied on 
Sunda schoon, every warson wearrier kaddies a komnate in 
his schnapsack and unlist I am getting foegutfulls of the rugi- 
ments of savaliged wildfire I was gamefellow willmate and send 

350 



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us victorias with nowells and brownings, dumm, sneak and 
curry, and all the fun I had in that fanagan's week. A strange 
man wearing abarrel. And here's a gift of meggs and teggs. And 
as I live by chipping nortons. And 'tis iron fits the farmer, ay. 
Arcdesedo! Renborumba! Then were the hellscyown days for 
our fellows, the loyal leibsters, and we was the redugout raw- 
recruitioners, praddies three and prettish too, a wheeze we has 
in our waynward islands, wee engrish, one long blue streak, 
jisty and pithy af durck rosolun, with hand to hand as Homard 
Kayenne was always jiggilyjugging about in his wendowed 
courage when our woos with the wenches went wined for a song, 
tsingirillies' zyngarettes, while Woodbine Willie, so popiular 
with the poppyrossies, our Chorney Choplain, blued the air. 
Sczlanthas! Banzaine! Bissbasses! S. Pivorandbowl. And we all 
tuned in to hear the topmast noviality. Up the revels drown the 
rinks and almistips all round! Paddy Bonhamme he vives! En- 
core! And tig for tag. Togatogtug, My droomodose days Y loved 
you abover all the strest. Blowhole brasshat and boy with his 
boots off and the butch of our bunch and all. It was buckoo 
bonzer, beleeme. I was a bare prive without my doglegs but I 
did not give to one humpenny dump, wingh or wangh, touching 
those thusengaged slavey generales of Tanah Kornalls, the 
meelisha's deelishas, pronouncing their very flank movemens 
in sunpictorsbosk. Baghus the whatwar! I could always take good 
cover of myself and, eyedulls or earwakers, preyers for rain or 
cominations, I did not care three tanker's hoots, ('sham! hem! 
or chafHt!) for any feelings from my lifeprivates on their reptro- 
grad leanins because I have Their Honours booth my respectables 
soeurs assistershood off Lyndhurst Terrace, the puttih Misses 
Celana Dalems, and she in vinting her angurr can belle the troth 
on her alliance and I know His Heriness, my respeaktoble me- 
dams culonelle on Mellay Street, Lightnints Gundhur Sawabs, 
and they would never as the aimees of servation let me down. 
Not on your bludger life, touters! No peeping, pimpadoors! 
And, by Jova, I never went wrong nor let him doom till, risky 
wark rasky wolk, at the head of the wake, up come stumblebum 

351 



(ye olde cottemptable!), his urssian gemenal, in his scutt's rudes 
unreformed and he went before him in that nemcon enchelonce 
with the same old domstoole story and his upleave the fallener 
as is greatly to be petted (whitesides do his beard !) and I seen his 
brichashert offensive and his boortholomas vadnhammaggs vise 
a vise them scharlot runners and how they gave love to him 
and how he took the ward from us (odious the fly fly flurtation 
of his him and hers! Just mairmaid maddeling it was it he was!) 
and, my oreland for a rolvever, sord, by the splunthers of colt 
and bung goes the enemay the Percy rally got me, messg^r, (as 
true as theirs an Almagnian Gothabobus!) to blow the grand off 
his aceupper. Thistake it 's meest! And after meath the dulwich. 
We insurrectioned and, be the procuratress of the hory synnotts, 
before he could tell pullyirragun to parrylewis, I shuttm, missus, 
like a wide sleever! Hump to dump! Tumbleheaver! 

TAFF {camelsensing that sonce they have given Iron a nuhlan 
the volkar boastsung is heading to sea vermelhion but too wellbred 
not to ignore the umiemlianess of his rifaVs preceedings^ in an effort 
towards autosotorisation^ effaces himself in favour of the idiology 
alwise behounding his lumpy hump off homosodalism which means 
that if he has lain amain to lolly his liking -cabronne! -he may pops 
lilly a young one to his herth - combrune -) Oholy rasher, I'm be- 
liever! And Oho bullyclaver of ye, bragadore-gunneral ! The 
grand ohold spider! It is a name to call to him Umsturdum Vonn! 
Ah, you were shutter reshottus and sieger besieged. Aha race of 
fiercemarchands counterination oho of shorpshoopers. 

BUTT {miraculising into the Dann Deafir warcry, his bigotes 
bristling^ as, jittinju triggity shittery pet, he shouts his thump and 
feeh fauh foul finngures up the heighohs of their ahsl) Bluddy- 
muddymuzzle! The buckbeshottered! He'll umbozzle no more 
graves nor horne nor haunder, lou garou, for gayl geselles in 
dead men's hills! Kaptan (backsights to his bared!). His Cum- 
bulent Embulence, the frustate fourstar Russkakruscam, Dom 
Allaf O'Khorwan, connundurumchuff. 

TAFF (who, asbestas can, wi^ the healps of gosh and his blu^id 
maikar, has been sulphuring to himsalves all the pungataries 



II 

I 



t- 



I 



of sin praktice in failing to furrow theogonies of the dommed). 
Trisseme, the mangoat! And the name of the Most Marsiful, 
the Aweghost, the Gragious One! In sobber sooth and in souber 
civiles? And to the dirtiment of the curtailment of his all of man? 
Notshoh? 

BUTT [maomant scoffin^ hut apoxyomenously deturbaned but 
thems bleachin banes will be after making a bashmans haloday out 
of the euphorious hagiohygiecynicism of his die and be diademmed). 
Yastsar! In sabre tooth and sobre saviles! Senonnevero! That 
he leaves nyet is my grafe. He deared me to it and he dared me 
do it, and bedattle I didaredonit as Cocksnark of Killtork can 
tell and Ussur Ursussen of the viktaurious onrush with all the 
rattles in his arctic! As bold and as madhouse a bull in a meadows. 
Knout Knittrick Kinkypeard! Olefoh, the sourd of foemoe 
times! Unknun! For when meseemim, and tolfoklokken rolland 
allover ourloud's lande, beheaving up that sob of tunf for to 
claimhis, for to wollpimsolff, puddywhuck. Ay, and untuoning 
his culothone in an exitous erseroyal Deo Jupto. At that instuUt 
to Igorladns! Prronto! I gave one dobblenotch and I ups with 
my crozzier. Mirrdo! With my how on armer and hits leg an 
arrow cockshock rockrogn. Sparro ! 

\The abnihilisation of the etym by the grisning of the grosning 
of the grinder of the grunder of the first lord of Hurtreford ex- 
polodotonates through Parsuralia with an ivanmorinthorrorumble 
fragoromboassity amidwhiches genejoL uttermosts confussion are 
perceivable moletons shaping with mulicules while Coventry 
plumpkins f airly gosmother themselves in the Landaunelegants 
of Pinkadindy, Similar scenatas are proj ec tills ed from Hullulullu^ 
Bawlawayo, empyreal Raum and mordern Atems. They were 
precisely the twdves^f^clocks^ noon minutes^ none seconds, //. + O f 
At someseat of Oldanelangs Konguerrig, by dawnybreak in ^ /O^^oq 
Aira.] 

TAFF (skimperskamper^ his wools gatherings all over cromlin 
what with the birstol boys artheynes and is it her tour and the 
crackery of the fullfour fivefirearms and the crockery of their dam- 

353 



dam domdom chumbers). Wharall thubulbs uptheaires! Shatta- 
movick? 

BUTT {pulling alast stark daniel with alest doog at doorak while 
too greater than pardon painfully the issue of his mouth diminuen- 
doing, vility of vilities, he becomes, allasvitally, faint). Shurenoff! 
Like Faun MacGhoul ! 

BUTT and TAFF (desprot slave wager and foeman feodal un- 
sheckled, now one and the same person, their fight upheld to right 
for a wee while being baffled and tottered, umbraged by the shadow 
of Old Erssias magisquammythical mulattomilitiaman, the living 
by owning over the surfers of the glebe whose sway craven minnions 
had caused to revile, as, too foul for hell, under boiling Mauses^ 
burning brand, he falls by GolVs gillie, but keenheartened by the 
circuminsistence of the Parkes 0' Rarely s in a hurdly gurdly Cicilian 
concertone of their fonngeena barney brawl, shaken everybothy s 
hands, while S. E, Morehampton makes leave to E. N. Sheil- 
martin after Meetinghouse Lanigan has embaraced Vergemout 
Hall, and, without falter or mormor or blathrehoot of sophs terliness, 
pugnate the pledge of fiannaship, dook to dook, with a commonturn 
oudchd of fest man and best man astoutsalliesemoutioun palms it 
off like commodity tokens against a cococancancacacanotioim). 
When old the wormd was a gadden and Anthea first unfoiled her 
limbs wanderloot was the way the wood wagged where opter 
and apter were samuraised twimbs. They had their mutthering 
ivies and their murdhering idies and their mouldhering iries in 
that muskat grove but there'll be bright plinnyflowers in Calo- 
mella's cool bowers when the magpyre's babble towers scorching 
and screeching from the ravenindove. If thees lobed the sex of 
his head and mees ates the seep of his traublers he's dancing 
figgies to the spittle side and shoving outs the soord. And he'll 
be buying buys and go gulling gells with his flossim and jessim 
of carm, silk and honey while myandthys playing lancifer lucifug 
and what's duff as a bettle for usses makes coy cosyn corollanes* 
moues weeter to wee. So till butagain budly shoots thon rising 
germinal let bodley chow the fatt of his anger and badley bide 
the toil of his tubb. 

354 



i 

i 



i 
I 



II 



[The pump and pipe pingers are ideally reconstituted. The 
putther and bowls are peterpacked up. All the presents are deter- 
mining as regards for the future the howabouts of their past 
absences which they might see on at hearing could they once smell 
of tastes from touch. To ought find a values for. The must over- 
listingness. When ex what is ungiven. As ad where, Stillhead, 
Blunk.] 

Shutmup. And bud did down well right. And if he sung dumb 
in his glass darkly speech lit face to face on allaround. 

Vociferagitant. Viceversounding. Namely, Abdul Abulbul 
Amir or Ivan Slavansky Slavar. In alldconfusalem. As to whom the 
major guiltfeather pertained it was Hercushiccups' care to educe. 
Beauty's bath she's bound to bind beholders and pride, his purge, 
has place appoint in penance and the law's own libel lifts and 
lames the low with the lofty. Be of the housed ! While the Hersy 
Hunt they harrow the hill for to rout them rollicking rogues 
from, rule those racketeer romps from, rein their rockery rides 
from. Rambling. 

Nightclothesed, arooned, the conquerods sway. After their 
battle thy fair bosom. 

— That is too tootrue enough in Solidan's Island as in Mol- 
tern Giaourmany and from the Amelakins off to date back to 
land of engined Egypsians, assented from his opening before his 
inlookers of where an oxmanstongue stalled stabled the well- 
nourished one, lord of the seven days, overlord of sats and suns, 
the sat of all the suns which are in the ring of his system of the 
sats of his sun, god of the scuffeldfallen skillfilledfelon, who (he 
contaimns) hangsters, who (he constrains) hersirrs, a gain chang- 
ful, a mintage vaster, heavy on shirts, lucky with shifts, the top- 
side humpup stummock atween his showdows fellah, Misto Tee- 
wiley Spillitshops, who keepeth watch in Khummer-Phett, whose 
spouse is An-Lyph, the dog's bladder, warmer of his couch in 
fore. We all, for whole men is lepers, have been nobbut won- 
terers in that chill childerness which is our true name after the 
allfaulters (mug's luck to em !) and, bespeaking of love and lie 
detectors in venuvarities, whateither the drugs truth of it, was 

355 



there an iota of from the faust to the lost. And that is at most re- 
doubtedly an overthrew of each and ilkermann of us, I persuade 
myself, before Gow, gentlemen, so true as this are my kopfinpot 
astrode on these is my boardsoldereds. 

It sollecited, grobbling hummley, his roundhouse of seven 
orofaces, of all, guiltshouters or crimemummers, to be sayd by, 
codnops, advices for, free of gracies, scamps encloded, com- 
petitioning them, if they had steadied Jura or when they had 
raced Messafissi, husband of your wifebetter or bestman botcha- 
lover of you yourself, how comes ever a body in our taylorised 
world to selve out thishis, whither it gives a primeum nobilees 
for our notomise or naught, the farst wriggle from the ubivence, 
whereom is man, that old offender, nother man, wheile he is 
asame. And fullexampling. The pints in question. With some by- 
spills. And sicsecs to provim hurtig. Soup's on ! 

— A time. And a find time. Whenin aye was a kiddling. And 
the tarikies held sowansopper. Let there beam a frishfrey. And 
they sodhe gudhe rudhe brodhe wedhe swedhe medhe in the 
kanddledrum. I have just (let us suppraise) been reading in a 
(suppressed) book — it is notwithstempting by meassures long 
and limited — the latterpress is eminently legligible and the paper, 
so he eagerly seized upon, has scarsely been buttered in works of 
previous publicity wholebeit in keener notcase would I turf aside 
for pastureuration. Packen paper paineth whomto is sacred 
scriptured sign. Who straps it scraps it that might, if ashed, have 
healped. Enough, however, have I read of it, like my good bedst 
friend, to augur in the hurry of the times that it will cocommend 
the widest circulation and a reputation coextensive with its merits 
when inthrusted into safe and pious hands upon so edifying a 
mission as it, I can see, as is his. It his ambullished with expurga- 
tive plates, replete in information and accampaigning the action 
passiom, slopbang, whizzcrash, boomarattling from burst to 
past, as I have just been seeing, with my warmest venerections, 
of a timmersome townside upthecountrylifer, (Guard place the 
town!) allthose everwhalmed upon diat preposterous blank seat, 
before the wordcraft of this early woodcutter, a master of vignett- 

356 



I 



iennes and our findest grobsmid among all dieir orefices, (and, 
shukar in chowdar, so splunderdly English!) Mr Aubeyron 
Birdslay. Chiabgoodchob, arsoncheep and wellwillworth a triat! 
Bismillafoulties. But the hasard you asks is justly ever behind his 
meddle throw! Those sad pour sad forengistanters, dastychappy 
dustyrust! Chaichairs. It is that something, awe, aurorbean in that 
fellow, hamid and damid, (did he have but Hugh de Brassey's 
beardslie his wear mine of ancient guised) which comequeers this 
anywhat perssian which we, owe, realisinus with purups a dard 
of pene. There is among others pleasons whom I love and which 
are favourests to mind, one which I have pushed my finker in for 
the movement and, but for my sealring is none to hand I swear, 
she is highly catatheristic and there is another which I have 
fombly fongered freequuntly and, when my signet is on sign 
again I swear, she is deeply sangnificant. Culpo de Dido ! Ars we rj 
say in the classics. Kunstful^ we others said. What ravening shadow ! 

What dovely line! Not the king of this age could richlier eyefeast ^ ^ 

in oreillental longuardness with alternate night joys of a thousand 
kinds but one kind. A shahrryar cobbler on me when I am lying ! 
And whilst (when I doot my slidjng panel and I hear cawcaw) I ' -uh^ 
have been idylly turmbing over the loose looves leaflefts jaggled 
casuallty on the lamatory, as is my this is, as I must commit 
my lips to make misface for misfortune, often, so far as I can 
chance to recollect from the some farnights ago, (so dimsweet is 
that selvischdischdienence of to not to be able to be obliged to 
have to hold further anything than a stone his throw's jruit^ .c p^coT^^p^ 
JalH) when I, if you wil excuse for me this informal leading down ^^di^-H^ 
of inexpressibles, enlivened toward the Author of Nature by the 
natural sins liggen gobelimned theirs before me, (how differen- 
ded with the manmade Eonochs Cunstuntonopolies !), weather- 
ed they be of a general golf stature, assasserted, or blossomly 
emblushing thems elves underneed of some howthern folleys, 
am entrenched jipxontemplating of myself, wiz my naked I, for 
relieving purposes in our trurally virvir vergitabale (garden) I ^ 
sometimes, maybe, what has justly said of old Flannagan, a wake 
from this or huntsfurwards, with some shock (shell I so render 

357 



it?) have (when I ope my shylight window and I see coocoo) a 
notion quiet involuptary of that I am cadging hapsnots as at 
murmurrandoms of distend renations from ficsimilar phases or 
dugouts in the behindscenes of our earthwork (what rovining 
shudder! what deadly loom!) as this is, at no spatial time pro- 
cessly which regards to concrude chronology about which in 
fact, at spite of I having belittled myself to my gay giftname of 
insectarian, happy burgages abeyance would make homesweets- 
town hopeygoalucrey, my mottu propprior, as I claim, cad's 
truck, I coined, I am highly pelaged and deeply gluttened to 
mind hindmost hearts to see by their loudest reports from my 
threespawn bottery parts (shsh!) that, colombophile and corvino- 
phobe alike, when I have remassed me, my travellingself, as from 
Magellanic clouds, after my contractual expenditures, through 
the perofficies of merelimb, I, my good grief, I am, I am big 
altoogooder. 

He beached the bark of his tale; and» set to husband and vine: 
and the harpermaster told all the living conservancy, know 
Meschiameschianah, how that win a gain was in again. Flying 
the Perseoroyal. Withal aboarder, padar and madar, hal and sal, 
the sens of Ere with the duchtars of Iran. Amick amack amock in 
a mucktub. Qith the tou loulous and the gryffygryffygryffs, at 
Fenegans Wick, the Wildemanns. Washed up whight and de- 
li veried rhight. Loud lauds to his luckhump and bejetties on jo- 
nahs! And they winxed and wanxed like baillybeacons. Till we 
woksed up oldermen. 

From whose plultibust preaggravated, by baskatchairch theo- 
logies (there werenighn on thaurity herouns in that alraschil 
arthouducks draken), they were whoalike placed to say, in the 
matters off ducomans nonbar one, with bears' respects to him and 
bulls' acknowledgments (come on now, girls! lead off, O cara, 
whichever won of you wins! The two Gemuas and Jane Agrah 
and Judy Tombuys!) disassembling and taking him apart, the 
slammocks, with discrimination for his maypole and a rub in 
passing over his hump, drogueries inaddendance, frons, fesces 
and frithstool: i) he hade to die it, the beetle, 2) he didhithim self, 

358 



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I 



hod's fush, 3) all ever the pelican huntered with truly fond bull- 
pen backthought since his toork human life where his personal 
low outhired his taratoryism, the orenore under the self hide of his 
bessermettle, was forsake in his chiltern and lumbojumbo, 4) he 
was like Fintan fore flood and after sometimes too damned 
merely often on the saved side, saw he was, 5) regarding to 
prussyattes or quazzyverzing he wassand no better than he would 
have been before he could have been better than what he warrant 
after, 6) blood, musk or haschish, as coked, diamoned or pence- 
loid, and bleaching him naclenude from all cohlorine matter, 
down to a boneash bittstoff, he's, tink fors tank, the same old 
dustamount on the same old tincoverdull baubleclass, totstitty- 
winktosser and bogusbagwindburster, whether fitting tyres onto 
Danelope boys or fluttering flaus for laurettas, whatever the 
bucket brigade and the plug party says, touchant Arser of the 
Rum Tipple and his camelottery and lyonesslooting but with a 
layaman's brutstrenth, by Jacohob and Esahur and the all saults 
or all sallies, what we warn to hear, jeff", is the woods of chirpsies 
cries to singaloo sweecheeriode and sock him up, the oldcant 
rogue. 

Group K, / ^ 

You have jest (a ham) beamed listening through (a ham pig) 
his haulted excerpt from John Whiston's fiveaxled production. 
The Coach With The Six Insides^ from the Tales of Yore of the 
times gone by before there was a hofdking or a hoovthing or a 
pinginapoke in Oreland, all sould. Goes Tory by Eerie Whigs is 
To Become Tintinued in Pearsons Nightly in the Lets All Wake 
Brickfaced In Lucan. Lhirondella, jaunty Ihirondella! With tirra 
lirra rondinelles, atantivy we go ! 
Attention! Stand at!! Ease!!! 

We are now diffusing among our lovers of this sequence (to 
you! to you!) the dewfolded song of the naughtingels (Alys! 
Alysaloe!) from their sheltered positions, in rosescenery hay- 
dyng, on the heather side of waldalure. Mount Saint John's, 
Jinnyland, whither our allies winged by duskfoil from Moore- 
parque, swift sanctuary seeking, after Sunsink gang (Oiboe! 

359 



Hitherzither! Almost dotty! I must dash!) to pour their peace in 
partial (floflo floreflorence), sweetishsad lightandgayle, twittwin 
twosingwoolow. Let everie sound of a pitch keep still in reson- 
ance, jemcrow, jackdaw, prime and secund with their terce that 
whoe betwides them, now full theorbe, now dulcifair, and when 
we press of pedal (sof!) pick out and vowelise your name. 
A mum. You pere Golazy, you mere Bare and you Bill Heeny, and 
you Smirky Dainty and, more beethoken, you wheckfoolthe- 
nairyans with all your badchthumpered peanas! We are gluck- 
glucky in our being so far fortunate that, bark and bay duol with 
Man Goodfox inchimings having ceased to the moment, so allow 
the clinkars of our nocturnefield, night's sweetmoztheart, their 
Carmen Sylvae, my quest, my queen. Lou must wail to cool me 
airly! Coil me curly, warbler dear! May song it flourish (in the 
underwood), in chorush, long make it flourish (in the Nut, in the 
Nutsky) till thorush ! Secret Hookup. 

— Roguenaar Loudbrags, that soddy old samph! How high 
is vuile, var.'* 

To which yes he did, capt, that was the answer. 

— And his shartshort trooping its colours ! We knows his 
ventruquulence. 

Which that that rang ripprippripplying. 

— Bulbul, bulbulone ! I will shally. Thou shalt willy . You wouldnt 
should as youd remesmer. I hypnot. 'Tis golden sickle's hour. 
Holy moon priestess, we'd love our grappes of mistellose! Moths 
the matter? Pschtt! Tabarins comes. To fell our fairest. O gui, O 
gui ! Salam, salms, salaum ! Carolus ! O indeed and we ware ! And 
hoody crow was ere. I soared from the peach and MissmoUy 
showed her pear too, onto three and away. Whet the bee as to 
deflowret greendy grassies yellowhorse. Kematitis, cele our er- 
dours! Did you aye, did you eye, did you everysee suchaway, 
suchawhy, eeriewhigg airywhugger.'^ Even to the extremity of 
the world? Dingoldell! The enormanous his, our littlest little! 
Wee wee, that long alancey one! Let sit on this anthill for our 
frilldress talk after this day of making blidie inveiled tlie heart 
before our groatsupper serves to us Panchomaster and let har- 

360 



leqwind play peeptomine up all our colombinations ! Wins 
won is nought, twigs too is nil, tricks trees makes nix, fairs fears 
stoops at nothing. And till Arthur comes againus and sen pea- 
trick's he's reformed we'll pose him together a piece, a pace. 
Shares in guineases! There's lovely the sight! Surey me, man 
weepful! Big Seat, you did hear? And teach him twisters in 
tongue irish. Pat lad may goh too. Quicken, aspen; ash and yew; 
willow, broom with oak for you. And move your tellabout. Not 
nice is that, limpet lady! Spose we try it promissly. Love all. 
Naytellmeknot tennis ! Taunt me treattening ! But do now say to 
Mr Eustache! Ingean mingen has to hear. Whose joint is out of 
jealousy now.'* Why, heavilybody's evillyboldy's. Hopping Gra- 
cius, onthy ovful ! O belessk mie, what a nerve ! How a mans in 
his armor we nurses know. Wingwong welly, pitty pretty Nelly ! 
Some Poddy pitted in, will anny petty pullet out? Call Kitty 
Kelly! Kissykitty Killykelly! What a nossowl buzzard! But what 
a neats ung gels ! 

Here all the leaves alift aloft, full o'liefing, fell alaughing over 
Ombrellone and his parasollieras with their black thronguards 
from the County Shillelagh. Ignorant invincibles, innocents im- 
mutant! Onzel grootvatter Lodewijk is onangonamed before the 
bridge of primerose and his twy Isas Boldmans is met the bluey- 
bells near Dandeliond. We think its a gorsedd shame, these go- 
doms. A lark of limonladies! A lurk of orangetawneymen ! You're 
backleg wounted, budkley mister, bester of the boyne ! 

And they leaved the most leavely of leaftimes and the most 
folliagenous till there came the marrer of mirth and the jangthe- 
rapper of all jocolarinas and they were as were they never ere. 
Yet had they laughtered, one on other, undo the end and enjoyed 
their laughings merry was the times when so grant it High Hila- 
rion us may too ! 

Cease, prayce, storywalkering around with gestare romano- 
verum he swinking about is they think and plan unrawil 
what. 

Back to Droughty! The water of the face has flowed. 
The all of them, the sowriegueuxers, blottyeyed boys, in that 

361 



pig's village smoke, a sixdigitarian legion on druid circle, the 
Clandibblon clam cartel, then pulled out and came off and rally 
agreed them, roasted malts with toasted hurleys, in condomnation 
of his totomptation and for the duration till his repepulation, 
upon old nollcromforemost ironsides, as camnabel chieftain, since, 
as Sammon trowed to explain to summon, seeing that, as he had 
contracted out of islands empire, he might as coolly have rolled 
to school call, tarponturboy, a grampurpoise, the manyfathom 
brinegrogm with the fortyinch bride, out of the cuptin klanclord 
kettle auction like the soldr of a britsh he was bound to be and 
become till the sea got him whilask, from maker to misses and 
what he gave was as a pattern, he, that hun of a horde, is a finn 
as she, his tent wife, is a lap, at home on a steed, abroad by the 
fire (to say nothing of him having done whatyouknow howyou- 
saw whenyouheard whereyouwot, the kenspeckled souckar, 
generose as cocke, greediguss with garzelle, uprighter of age and 
most umbrasive of yews all, under heaviest corpsus exemption) 
and whoasever spit her in howsoever's fondling saving her 
keepers that mould the bould she sould to hould the wine that 
wakes the barley, the peg in his pantry to hold the heavyache off 
his heart. The droll delight of deemsterhood, a win from the 
wood to bond. Like the bright lamps, Thamamahalla, yearin out 
yearin. Auspicably suspectable but in expectancy of respectable- 
ness. From dirty flock bedding, drip dropping through the ceil- 
ing, with two sisters of charities on the front steps and three eva- 
cuan cleansers at the back gaze, single box and pair of chairs 
(suspectable), occasionally and alternatively used by husband 
when having writing to do in connection with equitable druids 
and friendly or other societies through periods of dire want with 
comparative plenty (thunderburst, ravishment, dissolution and 
providentiality) to a sofa allbeit of hoarsehaar with Amodicum 
cloth, hired payono, still playing off, used by the youngsters for 
czurnying out oldstrums, three bedrooms upastairs, of which 
one with fireplace (aspectable), with greenliouse in prospect (par- 
ticularly perspectable). 

And you, when you kept at Dulby, were you always (for that 

362 



time only) what we knew how when we (from that point solely) 

were you know where? There you are! And why? Why, hitch a 

cock eye, he was snapped on the sly upsadaisying coras pearls 

out of the pie when all the perts in princer street set up their 

tinker's humn, (the rann, the rann, that keen of old bards), with 

them newnesboys pearcin screaming off their armsworths. The 

boss made dovesandraves out of his bucknesst while herself i^^^TiXifyrclu^ 

wears the bowler's hat in her bath. Deductive Almayne Rogers ^ , f 

disguides his voice, shetters behind hoax chestnote from exexive. 

Heat wives rasing. They jest keeps rosing. He jumps leaps rizing. 

Howlong! 

You known that tom? I certainly know. Is their bann boths- 
tiesed? Saddenly now. Has they bane reneemed? Soothinly low. 
Does they ought to buy the papelboy when he footles up their 
suit? He's their mark to foil the flouter and they certainty 
owe. 

He sprit in his phiz (baccon!). He salt to their bis (pudden!). 
He toockled her palam (so calam is solom!). And he suked their 
friends' leave (bonn/ck lass, fair weal !) 

— Guilty but fellows culpows ! It was felt by me sindeade, that 
submerged doughdoughty doubleface told waterside labourers. | 
But since we for athome's health have chanced all that, the wild /fl^^^ 
whips, the wind ships, the wonderlost for world hips, unto their 
foursquare trust prayed in aid its plumptylump piteousness 
which, when it turtled around seeking a thud of surf, spake to 
approach from inherdoff trisspass through minxmingled hair. 
Though I may have hawked it, said, and selled my how hot peas l^^^^-^^-^ 
after theactrisscalls from my imprecurious position and though ' l^-^"^ 
achance I could have emptied a pan of backslop down drain b}^ 
whiles of dodging a rere from the middenprivet appurtenant 
thereof, salving the presents of the board of wumps and pumps, 
I am ever incalpable, where release of prisonals properly is con- 
cerned, of unlifting upfallen girls wherein dangered from them 
in thereopen out of unadulteratous bowery, with those hintering 
influences from an angelsexonism. It was merely my barely till 
their oh offs. Missaunderstaid. Meggy Guggy's giggag. The 

363 



code's proof! The rebald danger with they who would bare white- 
ness against me I dismissem from the mind of good. He can tell 
such as story to the Twelfth Maligns that my first was a nurss- 
maid and her fellower's a willbe perambulatrix. There are twingty 
to twangty too thews and leathermail coatschemes penparing to 
hostpost for it valinnteerily with my valued fofavour to the post 
puzzles deparkment with larch parchels' of presents for future 
branch offercings. The green approve the raid! Shaum Baum's 
bode he is amustering in the groves while his shool comes merg- 
ing along! Want I put myself in their kirtlies I were ayearn to 
leap with them and show me too bisextine. Dear and lest I for- 
get mergers and bow to you low, marchers! Attemption! What 
a mazing month of budsome misses they are making, so wingty- 
wish to flit beflore their kin ! Attonsure ! Ears to hears ! The skall 
of a gall (for every dime he yawpens that momouth you could 
park your ford in it) who has papertreated him into captivities 
with his inside man by a hocksheat of starvision for an avrageto- 
peace of parchment, cooking up his lenses to be my apoclogypst, 
the recreuter of conscraptions, let him be asservent to Kinahaun ! 
For (peace peace perfectpeace !) I have abwaited me in a water of 
Elin and I have placed my reeds intectis before the Registower of 
the perception of tribute in the hall of the city of Analbe. How 
concerns any merryaunt and hworsoever gravesobbers it is 
perensempry sex of fun to help a dazzle off the othour. What for 
Mucias and Gracias may the duvlin rape the handsomst! And the 
whole mad knightmayers' nest! Tunpother, prison and plotch! 
If Y shoulden somewhat, well, I am able to owe it, hearth and chem- 
ney easy. They seeker for vannflaum all worldins merkins. V\\ 
eager make lyst turpidump undher arkens. Basast! And if my liti- 
gimate was well to wrenn tigtag cackling about it, like the sally 
herd she is, to abery ham in the Cutey Strict, (I shall call upon 
my first among my lost of lyrars beyond a jingoobangoist, to 
overcast her) dismissing mundamanu all the riflings of her vic- 
tuum gleaner (my old chuck! she drakes me druck! turning out, 
gay at ninety!) and well shoving off a boastonmess like lots wives 
does over her handpicked hunsbend, as she would be calling, well, 

364 



i 




for further oil mircles upon all herwayferer gods and reanounc- 
ing my deviltries as was I a locally person of caves until I got my 
purchase on her firmforhold I am, I like to think, by their sacre- 
ligion of daimond cap daimond, confessedly in my baron gentil- 
homme to the manhor bourne till ladiest day as panthoposopher, 
to have splet for groont a peer of bellows like Bacchulus shakes a 
rousing guttural at any old cerpaintime by peaching (allsole we 
are not amusical) the warry warst against myself in the defile as 
a lieberretter sebaiscopal of these mispeschyites of the first virgi- 
nial water who, without an auction of biasement from my part, 
with gladyst tone ahquickyessed in it, overhowe and under- 
where, the totty lolly poppy flossy conny dollymaukins. Though 
I heave a coald on my bauck and am could up to my eres hoven 
sametimes I used alltides to be aswarmer for the meekst and the 
graced. You are not going to not. You might be threeabreasted 
wholenosing at a whallhoarding from our Don Amir anent villa- 
yets prostatution precisingly kuschkars tarafs and it could be 
double densed uncounthest hour of allbleakest age with a bad of 
wind and a barran of rain, nompos mentis like Novus Elector, what 
with his Marx and their Groups, yet did a doubt, should a dare, 
were to you, you would do and dhamnk me, shenker, dhumnk you. 
Skunk. And fare with me to share with me. Hinther and thonther, 
hant by hont. By where dauvening shedders down whose rovely 
lanes. As yose were and as yese is. Sure and you would, Mr Mac 
Gurk! Be sure and you would, Mr O'Duane! To be sure and you 
would so, Mr MacElligut! Wod you nods.^ Mom mom. No mum 
has the rod to pud a stub to the lurch of amotion. My little love 
apprencisses, my dears, the estelles, van Nessies von Nixies voon 
der pool, which I had a reyal devouts for yet was it marly lowease 
or just a feel with these which olderman K.K. Alwayswelly he 
is showing ot the fullnights for my palmspread was gav to a 
parsleysprig, the curliest weedeen old ocean coils around, so spruce 
a spice for salthorse, sonnies, and as tear to the thrusty as Tay- 
lor's Spring, when aftabournes, when she was look like a little 
cheayat chilled (Oh sard! ah Mah!) by my tide impracing, as 
Beacher seath, and all the colories fair fled from my folced cheeks ! 

365 



Popottes, where you canceal me you mayst forced guage my 
bribes. Wickedgapers, I appeal against the light! A nexistence of 
vividence! Panto, boys, is on a looser inloss; ballet, girls, suppline 
thrown tights. I have wanted to thank you such a long time so 
much now. Thank you. Sir, kindest of bottleholders and very dear 
friend, among our hearts of steel, froutiknow, it will befor you, 
me dare beautiful young soldier, winninger nor anyour of rudi- 
mental moskats, before you go to mats, you who have watched 
your share with your sockboule sodalists on your buntad nogs at 
our love tennis squats regatts, suckpump, when on with the balls 
did disserve the fain, my goldrush gainst her silvernetss, to say, 
biguidd, for the love of goddess and perthanow as you reveres 
your one mothers, mitsch for matsch, and while I reveal thus my 
deepseep daughter which was bourne up pridely out of meds- 
dreams unclouthed when I was pillowing in my brime (of Satur- 
nay Eve, how now, woren't we't?), to see, I say, whoahoa, in stay 
of execution in re Milcho Melekmans, increaminated, what you 
feel, oddrabbit, upon every strong ground you have ever taken 
up, by bitterstiff work or battonstaff play, with assault of turk 
against a barrakraval of grakeshoots, e'en tho' Jambuwel's defe- 
calties is Terry Shimmyrag's upperturnity, if that is grace for the 
grass what is balm for the bramblers, as it is as it is, that I am the 
catasthmatic old ruffin sippahsedly improctor to be seducint tro- 
vatellas, the dire daffy damedeaconesses, like (why sighs the 
sootheesinger) the lilliths oft I feldt, and, when booboob brutals 
and cautiouses only aims at the oggog hogs in the humand, then, 
(Houtes, Blymey and Torrenation, upkurts and scotchem!) FU 
tall tale tell croon paysecurers, sowill nuggets and nippers, that 
thash on me stumpen blows the gaff off mombition and thit thides 
or marse makes a good dayle to be shattat. Fall stuff. 
His rote in ere, afstef, was. 

And dong wonged Magongty till the bombtomb of the warr, 
thrusshed in his whole soort of cloose. 

Whisht who wooed in Weald, bays of Bawshaw binding. The 
desire of Miriam is the despair of Marian as Joh Joseph's beauty 
is Jacq Jacob's grief. Brow, tell nun; eye, feign sad; mouth, sing 

366 



r 



mim. Look at Lokman! Whatbetween the cupgirls and the 
platterboys. And he grew back into his grossery baseness: and 
for all his grand remonstrance: and there you are. 

Here endeth chinchinatibus with have speak finish. With a 
haygue for a halt on a pouncefoot pause. Pink, pleas pink, two 
pleas pink, how to pleas pink. 
Punk. 

Mask one. Mask two. Mask three. Mask four. J --rL ^ ' ^^^i^ 
U^^t. R ^ 

— Look about you, Tutty Comyn! y^^^ ^^hJL^ 

— Remember and recall, KuUykeg! 

— When visiting Dan Leary try the corner house for thee. 

— I'll gie ye credit for simmence more if ye'll be lymphing. t^^^^^^ 
/ OurJ*(mr^ayunculusts. 

/ And, since threestory sorratelling was much too many, they 
/ maddened and they morgued and they lungd and they jowld. 
/ Synopticked on the word. 
Till the Juke done it. 
CjDown;) 

Like Jukoleon, the seagoer, when he bore down in his perry 
boat he had raised a slide and shipped his orders and seized his 
pullets and primed their plumages, the fionnling and dubhlet, the 
dun and the fire, and, sending them one by other to fare fore forn, 
he had behold the residuance of a delugion: the foggy doze still 
going strong, the old thalassocrats of invinsible empores, maskers 
oLthe waterworld, facing one way to another way and this way 
on that way, from severalled their fourdimmansions. Where the 
lighning leaps from the numbulous; where coold by cawld breide 
lieth langwid; the bounds whereinbourne our soiled bodies all 
attomed attaim arrest: appoint, that's all. But see what follows. 
Wringlings upon wronglings among incomputables about an 
uncomeoutable (an angel prophetethis.'^ kingcorrier of beheasts.^ . ^ 

the calif in his halifskin.'^ that eyriewinging one?) and the voids 
bubbily vode's dodos across the which the boomomouths from 
their dupest dupes were in envery and anononously blowing 
great. 

367 



J) 



Guns. 

Keep backwards, please, because there was no good to gundy 
running up again. Guns. And it was written up in big capital. 
Guns. Saying never underrupt greatgrandgosterfosters ! Guns. 
And whatever one did they said, the fourlings, that on no acounts 
you were not to. Guns. 

Not to pad them behaunt in the fear. Not to go, tonnerwatter, 
and bungley well chute the rising gianerant. Not to wandly be 
woking around jerumsalemdo at small hours about the murketplots, 
smelling okey boney, this little figgy and arraky belloky this little 
pink into porker but, porkodirto, to let the gentlemen pedesta- 
rolies out of the Monabella culculpuration live his own left leave, 
cullebuone, by perperusual of the petpubblicities without inwok- 
ing his also's between (sic) the arraky bone and (sue) the okey 
bellock. And not to not be always, hemmer and hummer, treeing 
unselves up with one exite but not to never be caving nicely, pre- 
cisely, quicely, rebustly, tendrolly, unremarkably, forsakenly, hal- 
tedly, reputedly, firstly, somewhatly, yesayenoUy about the back 
excits. Never to weaken up in place of the broths. Never to vvol- 
lusslleepp in the pleece of the poots. And, allerthings, never to ate 
the sour deans if they weren't having anysin on their consients. 
And, when in Zumschloss, to never, narks, cease till the finely 
ending was consummated by the completion of accomplishment. 

And thus within the tavern's secret booth The wisehight ones 
who sip the tested sooth Bestir them as the Just has bid to jab The 
punch of quaram on the mug of truth. 

K.C. jowls, they're sodden in the secret. K.C. jowls, they sure 
are wise. K.C. jowls, the justicestjobbers, for they'll find another 
faller if their ruse won't rise. Whooley the Whooper. 
_Theieistasee. Squarish large face with the atlas jacket. Brights, 
brownie eyes in bluesackin shoeings. Peaky booky nose over a 
lousiany shirt. Ruddy stackle hair besides a strawcamel belt. 
Namely. Gregorovitch, Leonocopolos, Tarpinacci and Duggel- 
duggel. And was theys stare all atime.^ Yea but they was. Andor- 
ing the games, induring the studies, undaring the stories, end all. 
Ned.-^ Only snugged then and cosied after one percepted nought 

368 



while tuffbettle outraged the waywords and meansigns of their 

hinterhand suppliesdemands. And be they gone to splane splica- 

tion? That host that hast one on the hoose when backturns when 

he facefronts none none in the house his geust has guest. You bet ^ - 

they is. And nose well down. 

With however what sublation of compensation in the radifica- 
tijon of interpretation by the byeboys.'^ Being they. Mr G. B. W.'j 
Ashburner, S. Bruno's Toboggan Drive, Mr Faixgood, Bell-/ 
chimbers, Carolan Crescent, Mr LJL Chattaway, Hilly Gape^^^^ »^ 
PQ, Poplar Park, Mr Q. P. Dieudonney, The View, Gazey PeerA 
Mr T. T. Erchdeakin, Multiple Lodge, Jiff Exby Rode, Mr W. K. | 
Ferris-Fender, Fert Fort, Woovil Doon Botham ontowhom 
adding the tout that pumped the stout that linked the lank that 
cold the sandy that nextdoored the rotter that rooked the rhymer 
that lapped at the hoose that Joax pilled. 

The.y had heard or had heard said or had heard said written. 



Fidelisat. p^'^dM^ l-l^ 7^-^-^ 



That there first a rudrik kingcomed to an inn court; and the 
seight of that yard was a perchypole with a loovahgloovah on it; 
last rmnnarks m when wandshift winneth womans: so 

how would it hum, whoson of a which, if someof aswas to start 
to stunt the story on.'^ 

So many needles to ponk out to as many noodles as are com- 
pany, they noddling all about it tutti to tempo, decumans numbered 
too, (a) well, that the secretary bird, better known as Pandoria 
PauUabucca, whom they thought was more like a solicitor general, 
indiscriminatingly made belief mid authorsagastions from Schelm 
the Pelman to write somewords to Senders about her chilikin 
puck, laughing that Poulebec would be the death of her, {l>) that, 
well, that Madges Tighe, the postulate auditressee, when her 
daremood's a grownian, is always on the who goes where, hoping 
to Michal for the latter to turn up with a cupital tea before her 
ephumeral comes off without any much father which is parting 
parcel of the same goumeral's postoppage, it being lookwhyse on 
the whence blows weather helping mickle so that the loiter end of 
that leader may twaddle out after a cubital lull with a hopes soon 

369 



to ear, comprong? (c) becakes the goatsman on question, or what- 
ever the hen the humbler was, feeling not up to scratch bekicks 
of whatever the kiddings Payne Inge and Popper meant for him, 
thoughy onced at a throughlove, true grievingfrue danger, as a 
nirshe persent to his minstress, devourced the pair of them 
Mather Caray's chucklings, pante blanche^ and skittered his litters 
like the cavaliery man in Cobra Park for ungeborn yenkelmen, 
Jeremy Trouvas or Kepin O'Keepers, any old howe and any old 
then and when around Dix Dearthy Dungbin, remarking sceni- 
cally with laddylike lassitude upon what he finally postscrapped, 
{d) after it's so long till I thanked you about I do so much now 
thank you so very much as you introduced me to fourks, (e) will, 
these remind to be sane? (/) Fool step! Aletheometry? Or just 
zoot doon floon? 

Nut it out, peeby eye! Onamassofmancynaves. 

But. Top. 

You were in the same boat of yourselves too, Getobodoff or 
Treamplasurin; and you receptionated the most diliskious of 
milisk; which it all flowowered your drooplin dunlearies: but 
dribble a drob went down your rothole. Meaning, Kelly, Grimes, 
Phelan, Mollanny, O'Brien, MacAlister, Sealy, Coyle, Hynes- 
Joynes, Naylar-Traynor, Courcy de Courcy and Gilligan-Goll. 

Stunner of oddstodds on bluebleeding boarhorse! What 
soresen's head subrises thus tous out of rumpumplikun oak with, 
well, we cannot say whom we are looking like through his now- 
face.'^ It is of Noggens whilk dusts the bothsides of the seats of the 
bigslaps of the bogchaps of the porlarbaar of the marringaar of the 
Lochlunn gonlannludder of the feof of the foef of forfummed 
Ship-le-Zoyd. 

Boumce! It is polisignstunter. The Sockerson boy. To pump 
the fire of the lewd into those soulths of bauchees, havsouse- 
dovers, tillfellthey deadwar knootvindict. An whele time he was 
rancing there smutsy floskons nodunder ycholerd for their 
poopishers, ahull onem Fyre maynoother endnow! Shatten up 
ship! Bouououmce! Nomo clandoilskins cheakinlevers ! All 
ashored for Capolic Gizzards! Stowlaway there, glutany of 

370 



stainks ! Porterfillyers and spirituous suncksters, oooom oooom ! 

As these vitupetards in his boasum he did strongleholder, 
bushbrows, nobblynape, swinglyswanglers, sunkentrunk, that 
from tin of this clucken hadded runced slapottleslup. For him 
had hord from fard a piping. As? Of? 

Dour douchy was a sieguldson. He cooed that loud nor he 
was young. He cud bad caw nor he was gray Like wather parted 
from the say. J 

Ostia, lift it! Lift at it, Ostia! From the say ! Away from the say! 

Himhim. Himhim. 

Hearhasting he, himmed, reromembered all the chubbs, chipps, 
chaffs, chuckinpucks and chayney chimebells That he had mistri- 
buted in port, pub, park, pantry and poultryhouse. While they, 
thered, the others, that are, were most emulously concerned to 
cupturing the last dropes of summour down through their 
grooves of blarneying. Ere the sockson locked at the dure. Which 
he would, shuttinshure. And lave them to sture. 

For be all rules of sport 'tis right That youth bedower'd to 
charm the night Whilst age is dumped to mind the day When 
wather parted from the say. 
cfy- The humming, it's coming. Insway onsway. 

Fingool MacKishgmard Obesume Burgearse Benefice, He was 
bowen hem and scrapin him in recolcitrantament to the right- 
about And these probenopubblicoes clamatising for an extinsion 
on his hostillery With his chargehand bombing their eres. Tids, 
genmen, plays, she been goin shoother off almaynoother on- 
awares. 

You here nort farwellens rouster? Ashiffle ashuffle the wayve 
they. 

From Dancingtree till Suttonstone There's lads no lie would! 
filch a crown To mull their sack and brew their tay With wather 
parted from the say. J 

Lelong Awaindhoo's a selverbourne enrouted to Rochelle 
Lane and liberties those Mullinguard minstrelsers are marshal- 
sing, par tunepiped road, under where, perked on hollowy hill, that 
poor man of Lyones, good Dook Weltington, hugon come er- 

371 



rindwards, had hircomed to the belles bows and been cutat- 
trapped by the mausers. Now is it town again, londmear of Dub- 
lin ! And off coursse the toller, pies the dotter of his eyes with 
her: Moke the Wanst, whye doe we aime alike a pose of poeter 
peaced? While the dumb he shoots the shopper rope. And they 
all pour forth. Sans butly Tuppeter Sowyer, the rouged engene- 
rand, a barttler of the beauyne, still our benjamin liefest, some- 
time franklin g to thise citye, whereas bigrented him a piers half 
subporters for his arms, Josiah Pipkin, Amos Love, Raoul Le Feb- 
ber, Blaize Taboutot, Jeremy Yopp, Francist de Loomis, Hardy 
Smith and Sequin Pettit followed by the snug saloon seanad of 
our Cafe Beranger. The scenictutors. 

Because they wonted to get out by the goatweigh afore the sheep 
was looset for to wish the Wobbleton Whiteleg Welshers kailly- 
kailly kellykekkle and savebeck to Brownhazelwood from all the 
dinnasdoolins on the labious banks of their swensewn snewwes- 
ner, turned again weastinghome, by Danesbury Common, and 
they onely, duoly, thruely, fairly after rainydraining founty- 
buckets (chalkem up, hemptyempty !) till they caught the wind 
abroad (alley loafers passinggeering !) all the rockers on the 
roads and all the boots in the stretes. 

Oh dere! Ah hoy! 

Last ye, lundsmin, hasty hosty! For an anondation of miri- 
fication and the lutification of our paludination. 

His bludgeon's bruk, his drum is tore. For spuds we'll keep the 
hat he wore And roll in clover on his clay By wather parted 
from the say. 

Hray ! Free rogue Mountone till Dew Mild Well to corry awen 
and glowry! Are now met by Brownaboy Fuinnninuinn's former 
for a lyncheon partyng of his burgherbooh. The Shanavan 
Wacht. Rantinroarin Batteries Dorans. And that whistling thief, 
O' Ryne O'Rann. With a catch of her cunning like and nowhere 
a keener. 

The for eolders were aspolootly at their wetsend in the mailing 
waters, trying to. Hide! Seek! Hide! Seek! Because number one 
lived at Bothersby North and he was trying to. Hide! Seek! Hide! 

372 



Seek! And number two digged up Poors Coort, Soother, trying 
to. Hide! Seek! Hide! Seek! And nomber three he sleeped with 
Lilly Tekkles at The Eats and he was trying to. Hide! Seek! 
Hide! Seek! And the last with the sailalloyd donggie he was 
berthed on the Moherboher to the Washte and they were all try- 
ing to and baffling with the waiters of, hoompsydoompsy waiters 
of. High! Sink! High! Sink! Highohigh! Sinkasink! 
Waves. 

The gangstairs strain and anger's up As Hoisty rares the can 
and cup To speed the bogre's barque away O'er wather parted 
from the say. 

Horkus chiefest ebblynuncies ! 

— He shook be ashaped of hempshelves, hiding that shepe in 
his goat. And for rassembling so bearfellsed the magreedy 
prince of Roger. Thuthud. Heigh hohse, heigh hohse, our kin- 
dom from an orse! Bruni Lanno's woollies on Brani Lonni's 
hairyparts. And the hunk in his trunk it would be an insalt foul 
the matter of that cellaring to a pigstrough. Stop his laysense. 
Ink him ! You would think him Alddaublin staking his lordsure like 
a gourd on puncheon. Deblinity devined. Wholehunting the pairk 
on a methylogical mission whenever theres imberillas ! And call- 
ing Rina Roner Reinette Ronayne. To what mine answer is a 
lemans. Arderleys, beedles and postbillers heard him. Three 
points to one. Ericus Vericus corrupted into ware eggs. Dummy 
up, distillery! Broree aboo! Run him a johnsgate down jameses- 
lane. Begetting a wife which begame his niece by pouring her 
youngthings into skintighs. That was when he had dizzy spells. 
Till Gladstools Pillools made him ride as the mall. Thanks to his 
huedobrass beerd. Lodenbroke the Longman, now he canseels 
under veerious persons but is always that Rorke relly! On con- 
sideration for the musickers he ought to have down it. Pass out 
your cheeks, why daunt you! Penalty, please! There you'll know 
how warder barded the bollhead that parssed our alley. We just 
are upsidedown singing what ever the dimkims mummur alla- 
lilty she pulls inner out heads. This is not the end of this by no 
manners means. When you've bled till you're bone it crops out 

373 



in your flesh. To tell how your mead of, mard, is made of. All old 
Dadgerson's dodges one conning one's copying and that's what 
wonderland's wanderlad'll flaunt to the fair. A trancedone boy- 
script with tittivits by. Ahem. You'll read it tomorrow, marn, 
when the curds on the table. A nigg for a nogg and a thrate for 
a throte. The auditor learns. Still pumping on Torkenwhite Rad- 
lumps, Lencs. In preplays to Anonymay's left hinted palinode 
obviously inspiterebbed by a sibspecious connexion. Note the 
notes of admiration! See the signs of suspicion! Count the hemi- 
semidemicolons ! Screamer caps and invented gommas, quoites 
puntlost, forced to farce ! The pipette will say anything at all for 
a change. And you know what aglove means in the Murdrus due- 
luct ! Fewer to feud and rompant culotticism, a fugle for the glee- 
men and save, sit and sew. And a pants outsizinned on the 
Doughertys' duckboard pointing to peace at home. In some, 
lawanorder on lovinardor. Wait till we hear the Boy of Biskop 
reeling around your postoral lector! Epistlemadethemology for 
deep dorfy doubtlings. As we'll lay till break of day in the bunk of 
basky, O! Our island, Rome and duty! Well tried, buckstiff! Batt 
in, boot ! Sell him a breach contact, the vendoror, the buylawyer ! 
One hyde, sack, hie! Two stick hoist. Lucky! Finnish Make Goal! 
First you were Nomad, next you were Namar, now you're Nu- 
mah and it's soon you'll be Nomon. Hence counsels Ecclesiast. 
There's every resumption. The forgein ofhls is on the shove to 
lay you out dossier. Darby's in the yard, planning it on you, plot 
and edgings, the whispering peeler after cooks wearing an infor- 
mation. The find of his kind ! An artist, sir ! And dirt cheap at 
a sovereign a skull! He knows his Finsbury Follies backwoods 
so you batter see to your regent refutation. Ascare winde is rifing 
again about nice boys going native. You know who was wrote 
about in the Orange Book of Estchapel? Basil and the two other 
men from King's Avenance. Just press this cold brand against 
your brow for a mow. Gainfully! The sinus the curse. That's it. 
Hung Ghung Egglyfella now speak he tell numptywumpty top- 
sawys belongahim pidgin. Secret things other persons place there 
covered not. How you fell from story to story like a sagasand 

374 



far 



to lie. Enfilmung infirmity. On the because alleging to having a 
finger^ fudding in pudding and pie. And here's the witnesses. 
Glue on to him, Greevy! Bottom anker, Noordeece! And kick 
kick killykick for the house that juke built! Wait till they send 
you to sleep, scowpow! By jurors' cruces! Then old Hunphy- 
dunphyville'll be blasted to bumboards by the youthful herald 
who would once you were. He'd be our chosen one in the matter 
of Brittas more than anarthur. But we'll wake and see. The wholes 
poors riches of ours hundreds of manhoods and womhoods. Two ^ ^yiiAJj<- 
cents, two mills and two myrds. And it's all us rangers you'll be fti f^'^ 
facing in the box before the twelfth correctional. Like one man, 
gell. Between all the Misses Mountsackvilles in their halfmoon 
haemicycles, gasping to giddies to dye for the shame. Just hold 
hard till the one we leapt out gets her yearing! Hired in cameras, 
extra! With His Honour Surpacker on the binge. So yelp your 
guilt and kitz the buck. You'll have loss of fame from Wimme- 
^ame's fake. Forwards ! One bully son growing the goff and his 
twinger read out by the^Nazi Priers. You fought as how they'd 
never woxen up, did you, crucket.'^ It will wecker your earse, that 
itwiUl! When hives the court to exchequer 'tis the child which 
gives the sire away. Good for you, Richmond Rover! Scrum 
around, our side! Let him have another between the spindlers! A 
grand game! Dalymount's decisive. Don Gouverneur Buckley's ^ jl^^^jC 
in the Tara Tribune, sporting the insides of a Rhutian Jhanaral ^"^^trS^^ 
and little Mrs Ex-Skaerer-Sissers is bribing the halfpricers to pray ^^^^ 
for her widower in his gravest embazzlement. You on her, hosy > * 
jigses, that'll be some nonstop marrimont! You in your stolen l'1^^6? S 
mace and anvil, Magnes, and her burrowed in Berkness cirrchus ^^,^J^.^^k^^.J^ 
clouthses. Fummuccumul with a graneen aveiled. Playing down 
the slavey touch. Much as she was when the fancy cutter out col- , ^ 

lecting milestones espied her aseesaw on a fern. So nimb, he said, 
a dat of dew. Between Furr-y-Benn and Ferr-y-Bree. In this tear 
Vikloe vich he lofed. The smiling ever. If you pulls me over pay 
me, prhyse ! A talor would adapt his caulking trudgers on to any 
shape at see^Address^ deceitfold of wovens weard. The wonder 
of the women of the world together, moya! And the lovablest 



375 

3 



Lima since Ineen MacCormick MacCoort MacConn O'Puckins 
MacKundred. Only but she is a little width wider got. Be moving 
abog. You cannot make a limousine lady out of a hillman minx. ^(Pf 
Listun till you'll hear the Mudquirt accent. This is a bulgen 
heresies, this is wollan indulgencies, this is a flemsh.\Tik^ Scapu- 
lars, beads and a stump of a candle, Hubert was a Hunter, chemins 
I f de la croixes and Rosairette's e_ggj,all the trimmings off the tree 
that she picked up after the Clontarf voterloost when O' Bryan 
MacBruiser bet Norris Nobnut. Becracking his cucconut be- 
tween his kknneess. Umpthump, Here Inkeeper, it's the doater- 
een's wednessmorn! Delphin dringing! Grusham undergang! 
And the Real Hymemians strenging strong at knocker knocker! 
Holy and massalltolled. You ought to tak a dos of frut. JiL' 
Sauss. You're getting hoovier, a twelve stone hoovier, fullends 
a twelve stone hoovier, in your corpus entis and it scurves you 
right, demnye! Aunt as unclish ams they make oom. ButNichtia 
\ f\, frxt' you bound not to loose's gone on Neffin since she clapped her 
charmer on him at Gormagareen. At the Gifting Munting Hunt- 
ing Putting. The eitch is in her blood, arrah ! For a frecklesome 
freshcheeky sweetworded lupsqueezer. And he shows how he'll 
pick him the lock of her fancy. Poghue! Poghue! Poghue! And 
a good jump, Powell ! Clean over all their heads. We could kiss 
him for that one, couddled we, Huggins? Sparkes is the footer^ 
^^•2- ( ' J^^ hance off nancies. Scaldhead, pursue ! Before you bunkledoodle 
down upon your birchentop again after them three blows from 
time, drink and hurry. The same three that nursed you. Skerry, 
Badbols and the Grey One. All of your own club too. With the 
fistful of burryberries were for the massus for to feed you living 
in dying. Buy bran biscuits and you'll never say dog. And be 
in the finest of companies. Morialtay and Kniferope Walker and 
Rowley the Barrel. With Longbow of the lie. Slick of the trick 
and Blennercassel of the brogue. Clanruckard for ever! The 
Fenn, the Fenn, the k i nn of all Fenns! Deaf to the winds when 
for Croonacreena. Fisht! And it's not now saying how we are 
where who's softing what rushes . Merryvirgin forbed! But of 
they never eat soullfriede they're ating it now. With easter 

376 



■rrr i^f 



p 



greeding. Angus! Angus! Angus! The keykeeper of the keys of 
the jesj^n doors of the dreamadoory in the house of the house- 
hold^ of ^tjecech^)saysaith. Whitmore, whatmore? Give it over, 
give it up! Mawgraw! Head of a helo, chesth of champgnon, 
of a gull! What you'd if he'd. The groom is in the greenhouse, 
gattling out his. Gun! That lad's the style for. Lannigan's ball! 
Now a drive on the naval! The Shallburn Shock. Never mind 
k/^eyour gibbous. Slip on your ropen collar and draw the noosebag 
on your head. Nobody will know or heed you, Postumus, if you 
skip round schlymartin by the back and come front sloomutren 
to beg in one of the shavers' sailorsuits. Three climbs three- 
quickenthrees in the garb of nine. We'll split to see you mouldem 
imparvious. A wing for oldboy Welsey Wandrer! Well spat, 
witty wagtail! Now piawn to bishop's forthe! Moove. There's 
Mumblesome Wadding Murch cranking up to the hornemooni- 
um. Drawg us out Ivy Eve in the Hall of Alum ! The finnecies of 
j)oetry wed music. Feeling the jitters? You'll be as tight as Trivett 
when the knot's knutted on. Now's your never ! JPgena and, p 
^^ueena are duetting a giggle-for-giggle and the brideen Alan- 
nah is lost in her diamindwaiting. What a magnificent gesture j 
you will show us this gallus day. Clean and easy, be the hooker !^ PGl. ® 
And a free for croaks after. Dovlen are out for it. So is Rathfinn. 
And, hike, here's the hearse and four horses with the interpro- 
vincial crucifixioners throwing lots inside to know whose to be 
their gosson and whereas to brake the news to morhor. How 
our myterbilder his fullen aslip. And who will wager but he'll 
Shonny Bhoy be, the fleshlumpfleeter from Poshtapengha and all 
he bares sobsconcious inklings shadowed on soulskin. Its segnet " J 
yores, the strake of a hin. Nup. Laying the cloth, to fore of them. 
And thanking the fish, in core of them. To pass the grace for 
Gard sake! Ahmohn. Mr Justician Matthews and Mr Justician 
Marks and Mr Justician Luk de Luc and Mr Justinian Johnston- 
Johnson. And the aaskart, see, behind ! Help, help, hurray ! All- 
sup, allsop! Four ghools to nail! Cut it down, mates, look slippy! 
They've got a dathe with a swimminpull. Dang! Ding! Dong! 
Dung! Dinnin. Isn't it great he is swaying above us for his good 

377 



and ours. Fly your balloons, dannies and dennises! He's door- 
knobs dead! And Annie Delap is free! Ones more. We could 
ate you, par Buccas, and imbabe through you, reassuranced in 
the wild lac of godiness. One fledge, one brood till hulm 
culms evurdyburdy. Huh the throman! Huh the traidor. Huh 
the truh. Arrorsure, he's the mannork of Arrahland over- 
sense he horrhorrd his name in thuthunder. Rrrwwwkkkrrr ! 
And seen it rudden up in fusefiressence on the flashmurket. 
P.R.C.R.L.L. Royloy. Of the rollorrish rattillary. The lewd- 
ningbluebolteredallucktruckalltraumconductor! The unnamed 
nonirishblooder that becomes a Greenislender overnight! But 
we're molting superstituettes out of his fulse thortin guts. Tried 
mark, Easterlings. Sign, Soideric O'Cunnuc, Rix. Ad versed ord, 
Magtmorken, Kovenhow. There's a great conversion, myn ! Cou- 
cous! Find his causcaus! From Motometusolum through Bulley 
and Cowlie and Diggerydiggerydock down to bazeness's usual.'^ 
He's alight there still, by Mike! Loose afore! Bung! Bring forth 
your deed! Bang! Till is the right time. Bang! Partick Thistle 
agen S. Megan's versus Brystal Palace agus the Walsall ! Putsch ! 
Tiemore moretis tisturb badday! The playgue will be soon over, 
rats! Let sin! Geh tont! All we wants is to get peace for posses- 
sion. We dinned unnerstunned why you sassad about thurteen 
to aloafen, sor, kindly repeat! Or ledn us alones of your lungorge, 
parsonifier propounde of our edelweissed idol worts! Shaw and 
Shea are lorning obsen so burgle up, gandfarder, and gurgle me 
gurk. You can't impose on frayshouters like os. Every tub here 
spucks his own fat. Hang coersion everyhow! And smotther- 
mock Gramm's laws! But we're a,drippindhrue^ayleague all at 
"ones'. In the buginning is the T^oid, in the muddle is the sound- 
dance and thereinofter you're in the unbewised again, vund 
vulsyvolsy. You talker dunsker's brogue men we our souls 
speech obstruct hostery. Silence in thouglit! Spreac h ! Wear 
anartful of outer, noceiise ! Pawpaw, wowow! Momerry twelfths, 
noebroed! That was a good one, ha! So it will be quite a material 
what May farther be unvuloped for you, old Mighty^ when it's 
aped to foul a delfian in die Malinung. Ha ha! Talk of Paddy- 

378 



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barke's echo! Kick nuck, Knockcastle! Muck! And you'll nose it, 
O you'll nose it, without warnward from we. We don't know the 
sendor to whome. But you'll find Chiggenchugger's taking the 
Treaclyshortcake with Bugle and the Bitch pairsadrawsing and 
Horssmayres Prosession tyghting up under the threes. SXQJ^ 
Press stop. To press stop. AIL to press stop. And be the seem 
talkin wharabahts hosetanzies, dat sure is siillibrated word ! Bing 
bong ! Saxolooter, for congesters are salders' prey. Snap it up in 
the loose, patchy the blank! Anyone can see you're the son of a 
gmmdl. Fellow him up too, Carlow! Woes to the worm- 
quashed, aye, and wor to the winner! Think of Aerian's Wall and 
the Fall of Toss. Give him another for to volleyholleydoodlem ! 
His lights not all out yet, the liverpooser! Boohoohoo it oose! 
With seven hores^ always in the home of his thinkingthings, his 
nodsloddledome of his noiselisslesoughts. Two Jdas, two Eyas^ 
two Nessies and Rubyjuby. Phook! No wonder, pipes as kirles, 
that he sthings like a rheinbok. One bed night he had the dely- 
siums that they were an^queens mobbing him. Fell stiff. Oh, 
ho, ho, ho, ah, he, he! Abedicate yoursglf. It just gegs our goad. 
He'll be the deaf of us, pappappoppopcuddle, samblind daiy- 
£udder. Yus, sord, fathe, you woll, putty our wraughther! 
What we waits be after Whyfore we come agooding.'^ None of 
you, cock icy! You keep that ^enayearn and her fortycantle glim 
iookbehinder. We might do with rubiny leeses. But of all your 
wanings send us^.Qut your peppydecked ales and you'll not be 
such a bad lot. The rye is well for whose amind but the wheateny 
one is proper lovely. B E N K! We sincerestly trust that Missus 
with the kiddies of sweet Gorteen has not B I N K to their very 
least tittles deranged if in B U N K and we greesiously augur for 
your Meggers a BEN K B A N K B O N K to sloop^in with 
all sorts of adceterus and adsaturas. It's our last fight, Megantic, 
fear you will! The refergee's took to hailing to time the pass. 
There goes the blackwatchwomen, all in white, flaxed up, pur- 
gad! Right toe, Armitage! Tem for Tam at Timmotty Hall! 
We're been carried away. Beyond bournes and bowers. So we'll 
leave it to Keyhoe, Danelly and Pykemhyme, the three muskrat- 

379 



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4- y A*/^ 




eers, at the end of this age that had it from Variants' Katey 
Sherratt that had it from Variants' Katey Sherratt's man for the 
bonnefacies of Blashwhite and Blushred of the Aquasanct a, Li ffey 
Patrol to wind up and to tells of all befells after that to Mocked 
Majesty in the Malincurred Mansion. 

So you were saying, boys? Anyhow he what? 

So anyhow, melumps and mumpos of the hoose uncommons, 
after that to wind up that longtobechronickled gettogether 
thanksbetogiving day at Glenfinnisk-en-la-Valle, the anniver- 
sary of his_finst Jiomy commulion, after that same barbecue bean- 
feast was all over poor old hos pitable corn and^eggfactor, King 
Roderick O'Conor, the paramount chief polemarch and last pre- 
electric king of Ire land^ who was anything you say yourself be- 
tween fiftyodd and fiftyeven years of age at the time after the 
socalled last supper he greatly gave in his umbrageous house of 
the hundred bottles with the radio beamer tower andjts hangars, 
^himbneys and_ecjuilines or, at least, he was'nt actually the then 
last king of all Ireland for the time being for the jolly good 
reason that he was still such as he was the eminent king of all 
Ireland himself after the last preeminent king of all Ireland, the 
whilom joky old top that went before him in the Taharan dy- 
nasty. King Arth Mockmorrow Koughenough of the leathered 
leggions, now of parts unknown, (God guard his generous 
comicsongbook soul!) that put a poached fowl in the poor man's 
pot before he took to his pallyass with the weeping eczema for 
ftJ^i ■ better and worse until he went under the grass quilt on us, never- 
theless, the year the sugar was scarce, and we to lather and shave 
and frizzle him, like a bald surging buoy and himself down 
to three cows that was meat and drink and dogs and washing 
to him, 'tis good cause we have to remember it, going through 
summersultryngs of snow and sleet witht the widow Nolan's 
goats and the Brownes girls neats anyhow, wait till I tell you, 
what did he do, poor old Roderick O'Conor Rex, the aus- 
' picious waterproof m onarch of all Ireland^ when he found him - 

self all alone by himself in his grand old handwedown pile after 
all of them had all gone off with themselves to their castles of 

380 



I 



mud, as best they cud, on footback, owing to the leak of the 
McCarthy's mare, in extended order, a tree's length from the 
longest way out, down the switchbackward slidder of the land- 
sown route of Hauburnea's liveliest vinnage on the brain, the ^ 
unimportant Parthalonians with the mouldy Firbolgs and the 
Tuatha de Danaan googs and the ramblers from Clane and all 
the rest of the notmuchers that he did not care the royal spit out \m 
of his^stensible mouth about, well, what do you think he did, 
sir, but, faix^ he just went heeltapping through the winespilth 
and weevily popcorks that were kneedeep round his own right ^^^jL«^ 
royal round rollicking toper's table, with his old Roderick Ran- f 
dom pullon hat at a Lanty Leary cant on him and Mike Brady's 
shirt and Greene's linnet collarbow and his Ghenter's gaunts and 
his Macclefield's swash and his readymade Reillys and his pan- 
prestuberian poncho, the body you'd pity him, the way the world 
is, poor he, the heart of Midleinster and the supereminent lord of ^ 
them all, overwhelmed as he was with black ruin like a sponge 
out of water, allocutioning in bellcantos to his own oliverian 
society MacGuiney's Dreans of Ergen Adams and thruming 
through all to himself with diversed tonguesed through his old 
tears and his ould plaised drawl, starkened by the most regal of 
belches, like a blurney Cashelmagh crooner that lerking Clare 
air, the blackberd's ballad Pve a terrible errible lot todue todie 
todue tootorribleday^ well, what did he go and do at all. His Most j 
Exuberant Majesty King Roderick O'Conor but, arrah bedamnbut, 
he finalised by lowering his woolly throat with the wonderful 
mo i/^c midni ght thirst was on him, as keen as mustard, he could not tell 
what he did ale, that bothered he was from head to tail, and, 
wishawishawish, leave it, what the Irish, boys, can do, if he did'nt 
go, sliggymaglooral reemyround and suck up, sure enough, like 
a Trojan, in some particular cases with the assistance of his vene- 
rated tongue, whatever surplus rotgut, sorra much, was left by the 
lazy lousers of maltknights and beerchurls in the different bot- 
toms of the various different replenquished drinking utensils left 
there behind them on the premisses by that whole hogsheaded 
firkin family, the departed honourable homegoers and other sly- 

381 



grogging suburbanites, such as it was, fall and fall about, to the 
brindishing of his charmed life, as toastified by his cheeriubi- 
cundenances,no matter whether it was chateaubottled Guiness's 
or Phoenix brewery stout it was or John Jameson and Sons or 
Roob Coccola or, for the matter of that, O'Connell's famous old 
Dublin ale that he wanted like hell, more that halibut oil or 
jesuits tea, as a fall back, of several different quantities and quali- 
ties amounting in all to, I should say, considerably more than the 
better part of a gill or naggin of imperial dry and liquid measure 
till, welcome be from us here, till the rising of the mom, till that 
hen of Kaven's shows her beaconeg j g, a nd Chapwellswendows 
stain our horyhistoricold and Father MacMichael stamps for 
aitch o'clerk mess and the Litvian Ne westlatte r is seen^ sold and 
delivered and all's set for resta rt after the silence, like his ancestors I 
to this day after him (that the blazings of their ouldmouldy gods 
may attend to them we pray!), overopposides the cowery lad in 
the corner and forenenst the staregaze of the cathering candled, 
that adornment of his album and folkenfather of familyans, he 
came acrash a crupper sort of a sate on accomondation and the 
very boxst in all his composs, whereuponce, behome the fore 
for cove and trawlers, heave hone, leave lone, Larry's on the 
focse ^d Faugh MacHugh O'Bawlar at the wheel, one to do and 
one to dare, par by par, a peerless pair, ever here and over there, 
/ with his fol the dee oil the doo on the flure of his feats and the 

/ feels of the fumes in the wakes of his ears our wineman from 

V Barley home he just slumped to throne. ' t ^ 

So sailed the stout ship Nansy Hans. From Liff away. For 
Nattenlaender. As who has come returns. Farvel, farerne 1 Good- 
bark, goodbye! 

Now follow we out by Starloe! 



382 



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— Three quarks for Muster Mark! 

Sure he hasnt got much of a hark 

And sure any he has it's all beside the mark. 

But 0, Wreneagle Almighty, wouldn't un he a sky of a lark 

To see that old bu^ard whooping about for uns shirt in the dark 

And he hunting round for uns speckled trousers around by Palmer- 

stown Park? 
Hohohoho^ moulty Mark! 

You re the rummest old rooster ever flopped out of a Noah's ark 

And you think you re cock of the wark. 

Fowls y up! Tr 'utys the spry young spark 

That'll tread her and wed her and bed her and red her 

Without ever winking the tail of a feather 

And that's how that chap's going to make his money and mark! 

Overhoved, shrillgleescreaming. That song sang seaswans. 
The winging ones. Seahawk, seagull, curlew and plover, kestrel 
and capercailzie. All the birds of the sea they trolled out rightbold 
when they smacked the big kuss of Trustan with Usolde. 

And there they were too, when it was dark, whilest the wild- 
caps was circling, as slow their ship, the winds aslight, upborne 
the fates, the wardorse moved, by courtesy of Mr Deaubaleau 
Downbellow Kaempersally, listening in, as hard as they could, in 
Dubbeldorp, the donker, by the tourneyold of the wattarfalls, 
with their vuoxens and they kemin in so hattajocky (only a 

383 



quartebuck askull for the last acts) to the solans and the sycamores 
and the wild geese and the gannets and the migratories and the 
mistlethrushes and the auspices and all the birds of the rockby- 
suckerassousyoceanal sea, all four of them, all sighing and sob- 
bing, and Hstening. Moykle ahoykling! 

They were the big four, the four maaster waves of Erin, all 
listening, four. There was old Matt Gregory and then besides old 
Matt there was old Marcus Lyons, the four waves, and oftentimes 
they used to be saying grace together, right enough, bausnabeatha, 
in Miracle Squeer: here now we are the four of us: old Matt Gre- 
gory and old Marcus and old Luke Tarpey: the four of us and 
sure, thank God, there are no more of us: and, sure now, you 
wouldn't go and forget and leave out the other fellow and old 
Johnny MacDougall: the four of us and no more of us and so 
now pass the fish for Christ sake. Amen: the way they used to be 
saying their grace before fish, repeating itself, after the interims 
of Augusburgh for auld lang syne. And so there they were, with 
their palms in their hands, like the pulchrum's proculs, spraining 
their ears, luistening and listening to the oceans of kissening, with 
their eyes glistening, all the four, when he was kiddling and 
cuddling and bunnyhugging scrumptious his colleen bawn and 
dinkum belle, an oscar sister, on the fifteen inch loveseat, behind 
the chieftaness stewardesses cubin, the hero, of Gaelic champion, 
the onliest one of her choice, her bleaueyedeal of a girl's friend, 
neither bigugly nor smallnice, meaning pretty much everything 
to her then, with his sinister dexterity, light and rufthandling, 
vicemversem her ragbags et assaucyetiams, fore and aft, on and 
offsides, the brueburnt sexfutter, handson and huntsem, that was 
palpably wrong and bulbubly improper, and cuddling her and 
kissing her, tootyfay charmaunt, in her ensemble of maidenna 
blue, with an overdress of net, tickled with goldies, Isolamisola, 
and whisping and lisping her about Trisolanisans, how one was 
whips for one was two and two was lips for one was three, and 
dissimulating themself, with his poghue like Arrah-na-poghue, 
the dear dear annual, they all four remembored who made the 
world and how they used to be at that time in the vulgar ear 

384 



I 



( 

f 

I 



cuddling and kiddling her^ after an oyster supper in CuUen's barn, 
from under her mistlethrush and kissing and listening, in the good 
old bygone days of Dion Boucicault, the elder, in Arrah-na- 
pogue, in the otherworld of the passing of the key of Two- 
tongue Common, with Nush, the carrier of the word, and with 
Mesh, the cutter of the reed, in one of the farback, pitchblack 
centuries when who made the world, when they knew O'Clery, 
the man on the door, when they were all four collegians on the 
nod, neer the Nodderlands Nurskery, whiteboys and oakboys, 
peep of tim boys and piping tom boys, raising hell while the sin 
was shining, with their slates and satchels, playing Florian's fables 
and communic suctions and vellicar frictions with mixum mem- 
bers, in the Queen's Ultonian colleges, along with another fellow, 
a prime number, Totius Quotius, and paying a pot of tribluts 
to Boris O'Brien, the buttler of Clumpthump, two looves, two 
turnovers plus (one) crown, to see the mad dane ating his 
vitals. Wulf ! Wulf ! And throwing his tongue in the snakepit. Ah 
ho! The ladies have mercias! It brought the dear prehistoric 
scenes all back again, as fresh as of yore. Matt and Marcus, natu- 
ral born lovers of nature, in all her moves and senses, and after 
that now there he was, that mouth of mandibles, vowed to pure 
beauty, and his Arrah-na-poghue, when she murmurously, after 
she let a cough, gave her firm order, if he wouldn't please mind, 
for a sings to one hope a dozen of the best favourite lyrical 
national blooms in Luvillicit, though not too much, reflecting on 
the situation, drinking in draughts of purest air serene and re- 
velling in the great outdoors, before the four of them, in the fair 
fine night, whilst the stars shine bright, by she light of he moon, 
we longed to be spoon, before her honeyoldloom, the plaint effect 
being in point of fact there being in the whole, a seatuition so 
shocking and scandalous and now, thank God, there were no more 
of them and he poghuing and poghuing like the Moreigner 
bowed his crusted hoed and Tilly the Tailor's Tugged a Tar in the 
Arctic Newses Dagsdogs number and there they were, like a 
foremasters in the rolls, listening, to Rolando's deepen darblun 
Ossian roll, (Lady, it was just too gorgeous, that expense of a 

385 



lovely tint, embellished by the charms of art and very well con- 
ducted and nicely mannered and all the horrid rudy noisies locked 
up in nasty cubbyhole!) as tired as they were, the three jolly 
topers, with their mouths watering, all the four, the old connu- 
bial men of the sea, yambing around with their old pantometer, 
in duckasaloppics, Luke and Johnny MacDougall and all wishen- 
ing for anything at all of the bygone times, the wald times and 
the fald times and the hempty times and the dempty times, for a 
cup of kindness yet, for four farback tumblerfuls of woman 
squash, with them, all four, listening and spraining their ears for 
the millennium and all their mouths making water. 

Johnny. Ah well, sure, that's the way (up) and it so happened 
there was poor Matt Gregory (up), their pater familias, and (up) 
the others and now really and (up) truly they were four dear 
old heladies and really they looked awfully pretty and so nice and 
bespectable and after that they had their fathomglasses to find 
out all the fathoms and their half a tall hat, just now like the old 
Merquus of Pawerschoof, the old determined despot, {quiescents 
in bragef) only for the extrusion of the saltwater or the auctioneer 
there dormont, in front of the place near O'Clery's, at the darku- 
mound numbur wan, beside that ancient Dame street, where the 
statue of Mrs Dana O'Connell, prostituent behind the Trinity 
College, that arranges all the auctions of the valuable colleges, 
Bootersbay Sisters, like the auctioneer Battersby Sisters, the pru- 
misceous creaters, that sells all the emancipated statues and 
flowersports, James H. Tickell, the jaypee, off Hoggin Green, 
after he made the centuries, going to the tailturn horseshow, be- 
fore the angler nomads flood, along with another fellow, active 
impalsive, and the shoeblacks and the redshanks and plebeians 
and the barrancos and the cappunchers childerun, Jules, every- 
one, Gotopoxy, with the houghers on them, highstepping the 
fissure and fracture lines, seven five threes up, three five 
sevens down, to get out of his way, onasmuck as their witliers 
conditions could not possibly have been improved upon, 
(praisers be to deeseesee !) like hopolopocattls, crumping oround 
their Judgity Yaman, and all the tercentenary horses and priest- 

386 



hunters, from the Curragh, and confusionaries and the authori- 
ties, Noord Amrikaans and Suid Aferican cattleraiders (so they 
say) all over like a tiara dullfuoco, in his grey half a tall hat and 
his amber necklace and his crimson harness and his leathern jib 
and his cheapshein hairshirt and his scotobrit sash and his para- 
pilagian gallowglasses (how do you do, jaypee, Elevato !) to find 
out all the improper colleges (and how do you do, Mr Dame 
James? Get out of my way!), forkbearded and bluetoothed and 
bellied and boneless, from Strathlyffe and Aylesburg and North- 
umberland Anglesey, the whole yaghoodurt sVeepstakings and 
all the horsepowers. But now, talking of hayastdanars and 
wolkingology and how our seaborn isle came into exestuance, 
(the explutor, his three andesiters and the two pantellarias) that 
reminds me about the manausteriums of the poor Marcus of Lyons 
and poor Johnny, the patrician, and what do you think of the four 
of us and there they were now, Hstening right enough, the four 
saltwater widowers, and all they could remembore, long long ago 
in the olden times Momonian, throw darker hour sorrows, the 
princest day, when Fair Margrate waited Swede Villem, and Lally 
in the rain, with the blank prints, now extincts, after the wreak 
of Wormans' Noe, the barmaisigheds, when my heart knew no 
care, and after that then there was the official landing of Lady 
Jales Casemate, in the year of the flood 1132 S.O.S., and the 
christening of Queen Baltersby, the Fourth Buzzersbee, accord- 
ing to Her Grace the bishop Senior, off the whate shape, and 
then there was the drowning of Pharoah and all his pedestrians 
and they were all completely drowned into the sea, the red sea, 
and then poor Merkin Cornyngwham, the official out of the 
castle on pension, when he was completely drowned off Erin 
Isles, at that time, suir knows, in the red sea and a lovely 
mourning paper and thank God, as Saman said, there were no 
more of him. And that now was how it was. The arzurian deeps 
o'er his humbodumbones sweeps. And his widdy the giddy is 
wreathing her murmoirs as her gracest triput to the Grocery 
Trader's Manthly. Mind mand gunfree by Gladeys Rayburn! 
Runtable's Reincorporated. The new world presses. Where the 

387 



old conk cruised now croons the yunk. Exeunc throw a darras 
Kram of Llawnroc, ye gink guy, kirked into yord. Enterest at- 
tawonder Wehpen, luftcat revol, fairescapading in his natsirt. 
Tuesy tumbles. And mild aunt Liza is as loose as her neese. Ful- 
fest withim inbrace behent. As gent would deem oncontinent. 
So mulct per wenche is Elsker woed. Ne hath his thrysting. Fin. 
Like the newcasters in their old plyable of A Royenne Devours. 
Jazzaphoney and Mirillovis and Nippy she nets best. Fing. Ay, 
ay! Sobbos. And so he was. Sabbus. 

Marcus. And after that, not forgetting, there was the Flemish 
armada, all scattered, and all officially drowned, there and then, on 
a lovely morning, after the universal flood, at about aleven thirty- 
two was it.^ off the coast of Cominghome and Saint Patrick, the 
anabaptist, and Saint Kevin, the lacustrian, with toomuch of tolls 
and lottance of beggars, after converting Porterscout and Dona, 
our first marents, and Lapoleon, the equestrian, on his whuite 
bourse of Hunover, rising Clunkthurf over Cabinhogan and all 
they remembored and then there was the Frankish floot of Noahs- 
dobahs, from Hedalgoland, round about the freebutter year of 
Notre Dame 1132 P.P.O. or so, disumbunking from under 
Motham General Bonaboche, (noo poopery!) in his half a grey 
traditional hat, alevoila come alevilla, and after that there he was, 
so terrestrial, like a Nailscissor, poghuing her scandalous and very 
wrong, the maid, in single combat, under the sycamores, amid 
the bludderings from the boom and all the gallowsbirds in Arrah- 
na-Poghue, so silvestrious, neer the Queen's Colleges, in 1132 
Brian or Bride street, behind the century man on the door. And 
then again they used to give the grandest gloriaspanquost univer- 
sal howldmoutherhibbert lectures on anarxaquy out of doxarch- 
ology (hello, Hibernia!) from sea to sea (Matt speaking!) accord- 
ing to the pictures postcard, with sexon grimmacticals, in the 
Latimer Roman history, of Latimer repeating himself, from the 
vicerine of Lord Hugh, the Lacytynant, till Bockleyshuts the rah- 
jahn gerachknell and regnumrockery roundup, (Marcus Lyons 
speaking!) to the oceanfuls of collegians green and high classes 
and the poor scholars and all the old trinitarian senate and saints and 

388 




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I 



II 



sages and the Plymouth brethren, droning along, peanzanzangan, 
and nodding and sleeping away there, like forgetmenots, in her 
abijance service, round their twelve tables, per pioja at pulga 
bollas, in the four trinity colleges, for earnasyoulearning Erin- 
growback, of Ulcer, Moonster, Leanstare and Cannought, the 
four grandest colleges supper the matther of Erryn, of Killorcure 
and Killthemall and Killeachother and Killkelly-on-the-Flure, 
where their role was to rule the round roll that Rollo and Rullo 
rolled round. Those were the grandest gynecollege histories 
(Lucas calling, hold the line!) in the Janesdanes Lady Anders- 
daughter Universary, for auld acquaintance sake (this unitarian 
lady, breathtaking beauty, Bambam's bonniest, lived to a great 
age at or in or about the late No. 1 132 or No. 1 169, bis, Fitzmary 
Round where she was seen by many and widely liked) for teach- 
ing the Fatima Woman history of FatimiHafamilias, repeating her- 
self, on which purposeth of the spirit of nature as difinely deve- 
loped in time by psadatepholomy, the past and present (Johnny 
MacDougall speaking, give me trunks, miss!) and present and 
absent and past an d pr esent and perfect arma virumque romano, ^^^Lj^ 
Ah, dearo, dear! O weep for the hower when eve aleaves bower! 
How it did but all come eddaying back to them, if they did but 
get gaze, gagagniagnian, to hear him there, kiddling and cuddling 
her, after the gouty old galahat, with his peer of quinnyfears and 
his troad of thirstuns, so nefarious, from his elevation of one 
yard one handard and thartytwo lines, before the four of us, in 
his Roman Catholic arms, while his deepseepeepers gazed and 
sazed and dazecrazemazed into her dullokbloon rodolling olo- 
sheen eyenbowls by the Cornelius Nepos, Mnepos. Anumque, 
umque. Napoo. 
Queh.^ Quos? 

Ah, dearo dearo dear! Bozun braceth brythe hwen gooses 
gandered gamen. Mahazar ag Dod! It was so scalding sorry for all 
the whole twice two four of us, with their familiar, making the toten, 
and Lally when he lost part of his half a hat and all belongings to 
him, in his old futile manner, cape, towel and drawbreeches, and 
repeating himself and telling him now, for the seek of Senders 

389 



Newslaters and the mossacre of Saint Brices, to forget the past, 
when the burglar he shoved the wretch in chumeroil, and con- 
tradicting all about Lally, the ballest master of Gosterstown, and 
his old fellow, the Lagener, in the Locklane Lighthouse, earing his 
wick with a pierce of railing, and liggen hig with his ladder up, and 
that oldtime turner and his sadderday erely cloudsing, the old 
croniony, Skelly, with the lether belly, full of neltts, full of keltts, 
full of lightweight beltts and all the bald drakes or ever he had up 
in the bohereen,offArtsichekes Road, with Moels and Mahmullagh 
Mullarty, the man in the Oran mosque, and the old folks at home 
and Duignan and Lapole and the grand confarreation, as per the 
cabbangers richestore, of the filest archives, and he couldn't stop 
laughing over Tom Tim Tarpey, the Welshman, and the four 
middleaged widowers, all nangles, sangles, angles and wangles. 
And now, that reminds me, not to forget the four of the Welsh 
waves, leaping laughing, in their Lumbag Walk, over old Battle- 
shore and Deaddleconch, in their half a Roman hat, with an an- 
cient Greek gloss on it, in Chichester College auction and, thank 
God, they were all summarily divorced, four years before, or so 
they say, by their dear poor shehusbands, in dear byword days, 
and never brought to mind, to see no more the rainwater on the 
floor but still they parted, raining water laughing, per Nupiter 
Privius, only terpary, on the best of terms and be forgot, whilk was 
plainly foretolk by their old pilgrim cocklesong or they were sing- 
ing through the wettest indies As I was going to Burrymecarott we 
fell in with a lout hy the name of Peebles as also in another place by 
their orthodox proverb so there was said thus That old fellow 
knows milk though he's not used to it latterly. And so they parted. 
In Dalkymont nember to. Ay, ay. The good go and the wicked 
is left over. As evil flows so Ivel flows. Ay, ay. Ah, well sure, 
that's the way. As the holymaid of Kunut said to the haryman 
of Koombe. For his humple pesition in odvices. Woman. Squash. 
Part. Ay, ay. By decree absolute. 

Lucas. And, O so well they could remembore at that time, when 
Carpery of the Goold Fins was in the kingship of Poolland, Mrs 
Dowager Justice Squalchman, foorsitter, in her fullbottom wig 

390 



and beard, (Erminia Reginial) in or aring or around about die 
year of buy in disgrace 1132 or 1169 or 1768 Y.W.C.A., at the 
Married Male Familyman's Auctioneer's court in Arrahnacuddle. 
Poor Johnny of the clan of the Dougals, the poor Scuitsman, 
(Hohannes !) nothing if not amorous, dinna forget, so frightened 
(Zweep! Zweep!) on account of her full bottom, (undullable 
attraxity!) that put the yearl of mercies on him, and the four 
maasters, in chors, with a hing behangd them, because he was 
so slow to borstel her schoon for her, when he was grooming her 
ladyship, instead of backscratching her materfamilias proper, Hke 
any old methodist, and all divorced and innasense interdict, in 
the middle of the temple, according to their dear faithful. Ah, now, 
it was too bad, too bad and stout entirely, all the missoccurs; and 
poor Mark or Marcus Bowandcoat, from the brownesberrow in 
nolandsland, the poor old chronometer, all persecuted with ally 
croaker by everybody, by decree absolute, through Herrinsilde, 
because he forgot himself, making wind and water, and made 
a Neptune's mess of all of himself, sculling over the giamond's 
courseway, and because he forgot to remember to sign an old 
morning proxy paper, a writing in request to hersute herself, on 
stamped bronnanoleum, from Roneo to Giliette, before saying 
his grace before fish and then and there and too there was 
poor Dion Cassius Poosycomb, all drowned too, before the 
world and her husband, because it was most improper and most 
wrong, when he attempted to (well, he was shocking poor in 
his health, he said, with the shingles falling off him), because 
he (ah, well now, peaces pea to Wedmore and let not the song go 
dumb upon your Ire, as we say in the Spasms of Davies, and we 
won't be too hard on him as an old Manx presbyterian) and after 
that, as red as a Rosse is, he made his last will and went to con- 
fession, like the general of the Berkeleyites, at the rim of the rom, 
on his two bare marrowbones, to Her Worship his Mother and 
Sister Evangelist Sweainey, on Cailcainnin widnight and he was 
so sorry, he was really, because he left the bootybutton in the 
handsome cab and now, tell the truth, unfriends never, (she was 
his first messes dogess and it was a very pretty peltry and there 

391 



were faults on both sides) well, he attempted (or so they say) 
ah, now, forget and forgive (don't we all?) and, sure, he was only 
funning with his andrewmartins and his old age coming over 
him, well, he attempted or, the Connachy, he was tempted to 
attempt some hunnish familiarities, after eten a bad carmp in the 
rude ocean and, hevantonoze sure, he was dead seasickabed (it was 
really too bad !) her poor old divorced male, in the housepays for 
the daying at the Martyr Mrs MacCawley's, where at the time 
he was taying and toying, to hold the nursetendered hand, (ah, 
the poor old coax!) and count the buttons and her hand and 
frown on a bad crab and doying to remembore what doed they 
were byorn and who made a who a snore. Ah dearo dearo 
dear! 

And where do you leave Matt Emeritus? The laychief of Ab- 
botabishop? And exchullard of ffrench and gherman. Achoch! 
They were all so sorgy for poorboir Matt in his saltwater hat, 
with the Aran crown, or she grew that out of, too big for him, of 
or Mnepos and his overalls, all falling over her in folds — sure he 
hadn't the heart in her to pull them up — poor Matt, the old peri- 
grime matriarch, and a queenly man, (the porple blussing upon 
them!) sitting there, the sole of the settlement, below ground, 
for an expiatory rite, in postulation of his cause, (who shall say?) 
in her beaver bonnet, the king of the Caucuses, a family all to 
himself, under geasa, Themistletocles, on his multilingual tomb- 
stone, like Navellicky Kamen, and she due to kid by sweetpea 
time, with her face to the wall, in view of the poorhouse, and 
taking his rust in the oxsight of Iren, under all the auspices, amid 
the rattle of hailstorms, kalospintheochromatokreening, with her 
ivyclad hood, and gripping an old pair of curling tongs, belong- 
ing to Mrs Duna O'Cannell, to blow his brains with, till the 
heights of Newhigherland heard the Bristolhut, with his can of 
tea and a purse of alfred cakes from Anne Lynch and two cuts of 
Shackleton's brown loaf and dilisk, waiting for the end to come. 
Gordon Heighland, when you think of it! The merthe dirther! 
Ah ho! It was too bad entirely! All devoured by active parlour- 
men, laudabiliter, of woman squelch and all on account of the 

392 




I 



smell of Shakeletin and scratchman and his mouth watering, acid 
and alkolic; signs on the salt, and so now pass the loaf for Christ 
sake. Amen. And so. And all. 

Matt. And loaf. So that was the end. And it can't be helped. 
Ah, God be good to us! Poor Andrew Martin Cunningham! 
Take breath! Ay! Ay! 

And still and all at that time of the dynast days of old konning 
Soteric Sulkinbored and Bargomuster Bart, when they struck coil 
and shock haunts, in old Hungerford-on-Mudway, where first I 
met thee oldpoetryck flied from may, and the Finnan baddies and 
the Noal Sharks and the muckstails turtles like an acoustic pot- 
tish and the griesouper bullyum and how he poled him up his 
boccat of vuotar and got big buzz for his name in the airweek's 
honours from home, colonies and empire, they were always with 
assisting grace, thinking (up) and not forgetting about shims and 
shawls week, in auld land syne (up) their four hosenbands, that 
were four (up) beautiful sister misters, now happily married, unto 
old Gallstonebelly, and there they were always counting and con- 
tradicting every night 'tis early the lovely mother of periwinkle 
buttons, according to the lapper part of their anachronism (up 
one up two up one up four) and after that there now she was, 
in the end, the deary, soldpowder and all, the beautfour sisters, 
and that was her mudhen republican name, right enough, from 
alum and oves, and they used to be getting up from under, in 
their tape and straw garlands, with all the worries awake in their 
hair, at the kookaburra bell ringring all wrong inside of them 
(come in, come on, you lazy loafs !) all inside their poor old Shan- 
don bellbox (come out to hell, you lousy louts!) so frightened, 
for the dthclangavore, like knockneeghs bumpsed by the fister- 
man's straights, (ys! ys!), at all hours every night, on their mistle- 
toes, the four old oldsters, to see was the Transton Postscript 
come, with their oerkussens under their armsaxters, all puddled 
and mythified, the way the wind wheeled the schooler round, 
when nobody wouldn't even let them rusten, from playing 
their gastspiels, crossing their sleep by the shocking silence, 
when they were in dreams of yore, standing behind the 

393 



door, or leaning out of the chair, or kneeling under the sofa- 
cover and setting on the souptureen, getting into their way 
something barbarous, changing the one wet underdown convi- 
brational bed or they used to slumper under, when hope was there 
no more, and putting on their half a hat and falling over all synop- 
ticals and a panegyric and repeating themselves, like svvollovv- 
ing, like the time they were dadging the talkeycook that chased 
them, look look all round the stool, walk everywhere for a jool, 
to break fyre to all the rancers, to collect all and bits of brown, 
the rathure's evelopment in spirits of time in all fathom of space 
and slooping around in a bawneen and bath slippers and go away 
to Oldpatrick and see a doctor Walker. And after that so glad 
they had their night tentacles and there they used to be, flapping 
and cycling, and a dooing a doonloop, panementically, around 
the waists of the ships, in the wake of their good old Foehn 
again, as tyred as they were, at their windswidths in the 
waveslength, the clipperbuilt and the five fourmasters and 
Lally of the cleftoft bagoderts and Roe of the fair cheats, ex- 
changing fleas from host to host, with arthroposophia, and he 
selling him before he forgot, issle issle, after having prealably 
dephlegmatised his gutterful of throatyfrogs, with a lungible fong 
in his suckmouth ear, while the dear invoked to the coolun dare 
by a palpabrows lift left no doubt in his minder, till he was in- 
stant and he was trustin, sister soul in brother hand, the subjects 
being their passion grand, that one fresh from the cow about 
Aithne Meithne married a mailde and that one too from Engr- 
vakon saga abooth a gooth a gev a gotheny egg and the park- 
side pranks of quality queens, katte efter kinne, for Earl Hooved- 
soon's choosing and Huber and Harman orhowwhen theeupon- 
thus (chchch!) eysolt of binnoculises memostinmust egotum 
sabcunsciously senses upers the deprofundity of multimathema- 
tical immaterialities wherebejubers in the pancosmic urge the 
alHmmanence of that which Itself is Itself Alone (hear, O hear. 
Caller Errin !) exteriorises on this ourherenow plane in disunited 
solod, likeward and gushious bodies with (science, say!) peril- 
whitened passionpanting pugnoplangent intuitions of reunited 

394 



selfdom (murky whey, abstrew adim!) in the higherdimissional 
selfless Allself, theemeeng Narsty meedieeng Idoless, and telling 
Jolly MacGoUy, dear raester John, the belated dishevelled, hack- 
ing away at a parchment pied, and all the other analist, the 
steamships ant the ladies'foursome, ovenfor, nedenfor, dinkety, 
duk, downalupping, (how long tandem !) like a foreretyred schoon- 
masters, and their pair of green eyes and peering in, so they say, like 
the narcolepts on the lakes of Coma, through the steamy win- 
dows, into the honeymoon cabins, on board the big steamadories, 
made by Fumadory, and the saloon ladies' madorn toilet chambers 
lined over prawn silk and rub off the salty catara off a windows 
and, hee hee, listening, qua committe, the poor old quakers, oben 
the dure, to see all the hunnishmooners and the firstclass ladies, 
serious me, a lass spring as you fancy, and sheets far from the lad, 
courting in blankets, enfamillias, and, shee shee, all improper, in a 
lovely mourning toilet, for the rosecrumpler, the thrilldriver, the 
sighinspirer, with that olive throb in his nude neck, and, swayin 
and thayin, thanks ever so much for the tiny quote, which sought 
of maid everythingling again so very much more delightafellay, 
and the perfidly suite of her, bootyfilly yours, under all their 
familiarities, by preventing grace, forgetting to say their grace be- 
fore chambadory, before going to boat with the verges of the 
chaptel of the opering of the month of Nema Knatut, so pass the 
poghue for grace sake. Amen. And all, hee hee hee, quaking, so 
fright, and, shee shee, shaking. Aching. Ay, ay. 

For it was then a pretty thing happened of pure diversion 
mayhap, when his flattering hend, at the justright moment, like 
perchance some cook of corage might clip the lad on a poot of 
porage handshut his duckhouse, the vivid girl, deaf with love, 
(ah sure, you know her, our angel being, one of romance's fade- 
less wonderwomen, and, sure now, we all know you dote on 
her even unto date!) with a queeleetlecree of joy sis crisis she 
renulited their disunited, with ripy lepes to ropy lopes (the dear 
o'dears!) and the golden importunity of aloofer's leavetime, 
when, as quick, is greased pigskin, Amoricas Champius, with one 
aragan throust, druve the massive of virilvigtoury flshpst the 

395 



both lines of forwards (Eburnea's down, boys!) rightjingbangshot 
into the goal of her gullet. 
Alris! 

And now, upright and add them! And plays be honest! And 
pulHt into yourself, as on manowoman do another ! Candidately, 
everybody! A mot for amot. Comong, meng, and douh! There 
was this, wellyoumaycallher, a strapping modern old ancient 
Irish prisscess, so and so hands high, such and such paddock 
weight, in her madapolam smock, nothing under her hat but 
red hair and solid ivory (now you know it's true in your 
hardup hearts!) and a firstclass pair of bedroom eyes, of most 
unhomy blue, (how weak we are, one and all!) the charm 
of favour's fond consent! Could you blame her, we're saying, 
for one psocoldlogical moment? What would Ewe do? With 
that so tiresome old milkless a ram, with his tiresome duty 
peck and his bronchial tubes, the tiresome old hairyg orangogran 
beaver, in his tiresome old twennysixandsixpenny sheopards 
plods drowsers and his thirtybobandninepenny tails plus toop! 
Hagakhroustioun! It were too exceeding really if one woulds 
to offer at sulk an oldivirdual a pinge of hinge hit. The 
mainest thing ever! Since Edem was in the boags noavy. No, no, 
the dear heaven knows, and the farther the from it, if the whole 
stole stale mis betold, whoever the gulpable, and whatever the 
pulpous was, the twooned togethered, and giving the mhost 
phassionable wheathers, they were doing a lally a lolly a dither 
a duther one lelly two dather three lilly four dother. And it was 
a fiveful moment for the poor old timetetters, ticktacking, in tenk 
the count. Till the spark that plugged spared the chokee he 
gripped and (volatile volupty, how brieved are thy lunguings!) 
they could and they could hear like of a lisp lapsing, that 
was her knight of the truths diong plipping out of her chapell- 
ledeosy, after where he had gone and polped the questioned. 
Plop. 

Ah now, it was tootwoly torrific, the mummurrlubejubes! And 
then after that they used to be so forgetful, counting mother- 
peributts (up one up four) to membore her beaufu mouldern 

396 




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maiden name, for overflauwing, by the dream of woman the 
owneirist, in forty lands. From Greg and Doug on poor Greg 
and Mat and Mar and Lu and Jo, now happily buried, our four! 
And there she was right enough, that lovely sight enough, the 
girleen bawn asthore, as for days galore, of planxty Gregory. 
Egory. O bunket not Orwin ! Ay, ay. 

But, sure, that reminds me now, like another tellmastory re- 
peating yourself, how they used to be in lethargy's love, at the 
end of it all, at that time (up) always, tired and all, after doing the 
mousework and making it up, over their community singing 
(up) the top loft of the voicebox, of Mamalujo like the senior 
follies at murther magrees, squatting round, two by two, the four 
confederates, with Caxons the Coswarn, up the wet air register 
in Old Man's House, Millenium Road, crowning themselves in 
lauraly branches, with their cold knees and their poor (up) quad 
rupeds, ovasleep, and all dolled up, for their blankets and matemy 
mufflers and plimsoles and their bowl of brown shackle and 
milky and boterham clots, a potion a peace, a piece aportion, a 
lepel alip, alup a lap, for a cup of kindest yet, with hold take hand 
and nurse and only touch of ate, a lovely munkybown and for 
xmell and wait the pinch and prompt poor Marcus Lyons to be not 
beheeding the skillet on for the live of ghosses but to pass the teeth 
for choke sake, Amensch, when it so happen they were all syca- 
more and by the world forgot, since the phlegmish hoopicough, 
for all a possabled, after ete a bad cramp and johnny magories, and 
backscrat the poor bedsores and the farthing dip, their caschal 
pandle of magnegnousioum, and read a letter or two every night, 
before going to dodo sleep atrance, with their catkins coifs, in 
the twilight, a capitaletter, for further auspices, on their old one 
page codex book of old year's eve 1132, M.M.L.J. old style, their 
Senchus Mor, by his fellow girl, the Mrs Shemans, in her summer 
seal houseonsample, with the caracul broadtail, her totam in 
tutu^ final buff noonmeal edition, in the regatta covers, uptenable 
from the orther, for to regul their reves by incubation, and Lally, 
through their gangrene spentacles, and all the good or they 
did in their time, the rigorists, for Roe and O'Mulcnory a 

397 



Corny ap Mul or Lap ap Morion and Buffler ap Matty Mac 
Gregory for Marcus on Podex by Daddy de Wyer, old baga- 
broth, beeves and scullogues, churls and vassals, in same, sept 
and severalty and one by one and sing a mamalujo. To the 
heroest champion of Eren and his braceoelanders and Gowan, 
Gawin and Gonne. 

And after that now in the future, please God, after nonpenal 
start, all repeating ourselves, in medios loquos, from where he got 
a useful arm busy on the touchline, due south of her western 
shoulder, down to death and the love embrace, with an interesting 
tallow complexion and all now united, sansfamillias, let us ran on 
to say oremus prayer and homeysweet homely, after fully realis- 
ing the gratifying experiences of highly continental evenements, 
for meter and peter to temple an eslaap, for auld acquaintance, to 
Peregrine and Michael and Farfassa and Peregrine, for navigants 
et peregrinantibus, in all the old imperial and Fionnachan sea and 
for vogue awallow to a Miss Yiss, you fascinator, you, sing a 
lovasteamadorion to Ladyseyes, here's Tricks and Doelsy, de- 
lightfully ours, in her doaty ducky little blue and roll his hoop 
and how she ran, when wit won free, the dimply blissed and aw- 
fully bucked, right glad we never shall forget, thoh the dayses 
gone still they loves young dreams and old Luke with his 
kingly leer, so wellworth watching, and Senchus Mor, possessed 
of evident notoriety, and another more of the bigtimers, to name 
no others, of whom great things were expected in the fulmfilming 
department, for the lives of Lazarus and auld luke syne and she 
haihaihail her kobbor kohinor sehehet on the praze savohole 
shanghai. 

Hear, O hear, Iseult la belle ! Tristan, sad hero, hear ! The Lambeg 
drum, the Lombog reed, the Lumbag fiferer, the Limibig brazenaze. 

Anno Domini nostri sancti Jesu Christi 

Nine hundred and ninetynine million pound sterling in the hluehlack 

bowels of the hank of Ulster, 
Br aw bawbees and good gold pounds^ galore, my girleen, a Sunday II 

prank thee finely . 

398 



p 



And no damn loutll come courting thee or by the mother of the Holy 
Ghost there'' II be murder/ 

0, come all ye sweet nymphs of Dingle beach to cheer Brinabride 

queen from Sybil surfriding 
In her curragh of shells of daughter of pearl and her silvery monnblue 

mantle round her. 
Crown of the waters^ brine on her brow^ shell dance them a jig and 

jilt them fairly, 

Yerray why would she bide with Sig Sloomysides or the grogram grey 
barnacle gander!^ 

You wont need be lonesome ^ Liny love^ when your beau gets his 

glut of cold meat and hot soldiering 
Nor wake in winter^ window machree^ but snore sung in my old 

Balbriggan surtout. 
Wisha^ wont you agree now to take me from the middle, say, of 

next week on^for the balance of my days, for nothing (whatF) 

as your own nurse tender,^ 
A power of highsteppers died game right enough — but who, acushla, 

7/ beg coppers for you? 

I tossed that one long before anyone. 

It was of a wet good Friday too she was ironing and, as Pm given 
now to understand, she was always mad gone on me. 

Grand goo segr easing we had entirely with an allnight eider down, bed 
picnic to follow. 

By the cross of Cong, says she, rising up Saturday in the twilight 
from under me, Mick, Nick the Maggot or whatever your name 
is y you re the mose likable lad that's come my ways yet from the 
barony of Bohermore. 

Mattheehew, Markeehew, Lukeehew, Johnheehewheehew ! 
Haw! 

And still a light moves long the river. And stiller the mermen 

ply their keg. 
Its pith is full. The way is free. Their lot is cast. 
So, to john for a John, johnajeams, led it be! 

399 



IP 



lii 



Ill 



II 




I 



I 



I 



I 



I 



III 



I 



Hark! 

Tolv two elf kater ten (it can't be) sax. 
Hork! 

Pedwar pemp foify tray (it must be) twelve. 

And low stole o'er the stillness the heartbeats of sleep. 

White fogbow spans. The arch embattled. Mark as capsules. 
The nose of the man who was nought like the nasoes. It is self- 
tinted, wrinkling, ruddled. His kep is a gorsecone. He am Gascon 
Titubante of Tegmine - sub - Fagi whose fixtures are mobil- 
ing so wobiling befear my remembrandts. She, exhibit next, his 
Anastashie. She has prayings in lowdelph. Zeehere green egg- 
brooms. What named blautoothdmand is yon who stares.'^ Gu- 
gurtha! Gugurthal He has becco of wild hindigan. Ho, he hath 
hornhide! And hvis now is for you. Pensee! The most beautiful 
of woman of the veilch veilchen veilde. She would kidds to my 
voult of my palace, with obscidian luppas, her aal in her dhove's 
suckling. Apagemonite ! Come not nere ! Black ! Switch out ! 

Methought as I was dropping asleep somepart in nonland of 
where's please (and it was when you and they were we) I heard 
at zero hour as 'twere the peal of vixen's laughter among mid- 
night's chimes from out the belfry of the cute old speckled church 
tolling so faint a goodmantrue as nighthood's unseen violet 
rendered all animated greatbritish and Irish objects nonviewable 
to human watchers save 'twere perchance anon some glistery 

403 



gleam darkling adown surface of affluvial flowandflow as again 
might seem garments of laundry reposing a leasward close at 
hand in full expectation. And as I was jogging along in a dream as 
dozing I was dawdling, arrah, methought broadtone was heard and 
the creepers and the gliders and flivvers of the earth breath and 
the dancetongues of the woodfires and the hummers in their 
ground all vociferated echoating: Shaun! Shaun! Post the post! 
with a high voice and O, the higher on high the deeper and low, 
I heard him so! And lo, mescemed somewhat came of the noise 
and somewho might amove allmurk. Now, 'twas as clump, now 
mayhap. When look, was light and now'twas as flasher, now 
moren as the glaow. Ah, in unlitness 'twas in very similitude, 
bless me, 'twas his belted lamp! Whom we dreamt was a shaddo, 
sure, he's lightseyes, the laddo! Blessed momence, O romence, 
he's growing to stay! Ay, he who so swayed a will of a wisp 
before me, hand prop to hand, prompt side to the pros, dressed 
like an earl in just the correct wear, in a classy mac Frieze o'coat 
of far suparior ruggedness, indigo braw, tracked and tramped, 
and an Irish ferrier collar, freeswinging with mereswin lacers from 
his shoulthern and thick welted brogues on him hammered to suit 
the scotsmost public and climate, iron heels and sparable soles, and 
his jacket of providence wellprovided woolies with a softrolling 
lisp of a lapel to it and great sealingwax buttons, a good helping 
bigger than the slots for them, of twentytwo carrot krasnapopp- 
sky red and his invulnerable burlap whiskcoat and his popular 
choker, Tamagnum sette-and-forte and his loud boheem toy and 
the damasker's overshirt he sported inside, a starspangled zephyr 
with a decidedly surpliced crinklydoodle front with his motto 
through dear life embrothred over it in peas, rice, and yeggy- 
yolk. Or for royal. Am for Mail, R.M.D. hard cash on the nail 
and the most successfully carried gigot turnups now you ever, 
(what a pairfact crease! how amsolookly kersse!) breaking over 
the ankle and hugging the shoeheel, everything the best — none 
other from (Ah, then may the turtle's blessings of God and Mary 
and Haggispatrick and Huggisbrigid be souptumbling all over 
him!) other than (and may his hundred thousand welcome stewed 

404 



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letters, relayed wand postchased, multiply, ay faith, and plultiply !) 
Shaun himself. 

What a picture primitive! 

Had I the concordant wiseheads of Messrs Gregory and Lyons 
alongside of Dr Tarpey's and I dorsay the reverend Mr Mac 
Dougall's, but I, poor ass, am but as their fourpart tinckler's dun- 
key. Yet methought Shaun (holy messonger angels be uninter- 
ruptedly nudging him among and along the winding ways of 
random ever!) Shaun in proper person (now may all the blue- 
blacksliding constellations continue to shape his changeable time- 
table !) stood before me. And I pledge you my agricultural word 
by the hundred and sixty odds rods and cones of this even's 
vision that young fellow looked the stuff, the Bel of Beaus* 
Walk, a prime card if ever was! Pep? Now without deceit it is 
hardly too much to say he was looking grand, so fired smart, in 
much more than his usual health. No mistaking that beamish 
brow ! There was one for you that ne'er would nunch with good 
Duke Humphrey but would aight through the months without a 
sign of an err in hem and then, otherwise rounding, fourale to the 
lees of Traroe. Those jehovial oyeglances! The heart of the rool! 
And hit the hencoop. He was immense, topping swell for he was 
after having a great time of it, a twentyfour hours every moment 
matters maltsight, in a porterhouse, scutfrank, if you want to 
know. Saint Lawzenge of Toole's, the Wheel of Fortune, leave 
your clubs in the hall and wait on yourself, no chucks for wal- 
nut ketchups, Lazenby's and Chutney graspis (the house the once 
queen of Bristol and Balrothery twice admired because her 
frumped door looked up Dacent Street) where in the sighed of 
lovely eyes while his knives of hearts made havoc he had re- 
cruited his strength by meals of spadefuls of mounded food, in 
anticipation of the faste of tablenapkins, constituting his three- 
partite pranzipal meals plus a collation, his breakfast of first, a bless 
us O blood and thirsthy orange, next, the half of a pint of becon 
with newled googs and a segment of riceplummy padding, met 
of sunder suigar and some cold forsoaken steak peatrefired from 
the batblack night o'erflown then, witliout prejuice to evectuals, 

405 



came along merendally his stockpot dinner of a half a pound or 
round steak, very rare, Blong's best from Portarlington's Butchery, 
with a side of riceypeasy and Corkshire alia mellonge and bacon 
with (a little mar pliche!) a pair of chops and thrown in from the 
silver grid by the proprietoress of the roastery who lives on the 
hill and gaulusch gravy and pumpernickel to wolp up and a 
gorger's bulby onion (Margareter, Margaretar Margarastican- 
deatar) and as well with second course and then finally, after 
his avalunch oclock snack at Appelredt's or Kitzy Braten's of 
saddlebag steak and a Botherhim with her old phoenix portar, 
jistr to gwen his gwistel and praties sweet and Irish too and mock 
gurgle to whistle his way through for the swallying, swp by swp, 
and he getting his tongue arount it and Boland's broth broken 
into the bargain, to his regret his soupay avic nightcap, vitellusit, 
a carusal consistent with second course eyer and becon (the rich 
of) with broad beans, hig, steak, hag, pepper the diamond bone 
hotted up timmtomm and while'twas after that he scoffed a drake- 
ling snuggily stuffed following cold loin of veal more cabbage and 
in their green free state a clister of peas, soppositorily petty, last. 
P.S. but a fingerhot of rheingenever to give the Pax cum Spiri- 
tututu. Drily thankful. Burud and dulse and typureely jam, all 
free of charge, aman, and. And the best of wine avec. For his 
heart was as big as himself, so it was, ay, and bigger! While the 
loaves are aflowering and the nachtingale jugs. All St Jilian^s of 
Berry, hurrah there for tobies ! Mabhrodaphne, brown pride of our 
custard house quay, amiable with repastful, cheerus graciously, 
cheer us! Ever of thee, Anne Lynch, he's deeply draiming! 
Houseanna! Tea is the Highest! For auld lang Ayternitay! Thus 
thicker will he grow now, grew new. And better and better on 
butter and butter. At the sign of Mesthress Vanhungrig. However! 
Mind you, nuckling down to nourritures, were they menuly some 
ham and jaffas, and I don't mean to make the ingestion tor the 
moment that he was guilbey of gulpable gluttony as regards chew- 
able boltaballs, but, biestings be biestings, and upon the whole, 
when not off his oats, given prelove appetite and postlove pricing 
good coup, goodcheap, were it thermidor oogst or fioreal may 

406 



4 



while the whistling prairial roysters play, between gormandising 
and gourmeteering, he grubbed his tuck all right, deah smorregos, 
every time he was for doing dirt to a meal or felt like a bottle of 
ardilaun arongwith a smag of a lecker biss of a welldressed taart 
or. Though his net intrants wight weighed nought but a flyblow 
to his gross and ganz afterduepoise. And he was so jarvey jaunty 
with a romp of a schoolgirl's completion sitting pretty over his 
Oyster Monday print face and he was plainly out on the ramp and 
mash^ as you might say, for he sproke. 
Overture and beginners! 

When lo (whish, O whish !) mesaw mestreamed, as the green 
to the gred was flew, was flown, through deafths of durkness 
greengrown deeper I heard a voice, the voce of Shaun, vote of 
the Irish, voise from afar (and cert no purer puer palestrine e'er 
chanted panangelical mid the clouds of Tu es Petrus, not 
Michaeleen Kelly, not Mara O'Mario, and sure, what more 
numerose Italicuss ever rawsucked frish uov in urinal?), a brieze 
to Yverzone o'er the brozaozaozing sea, from Inchigeela call 
the way how it suspired (morepork! moreporkl) to scented 
nightlife as softly as the loftly marconimasts from Clifden sough 
open tireless secrets (mauveport! mauveport!) to Nova Scotia's 
listing sisterwands. Tubetube! 

His handpalm lifted, his handshell cupped, his handsign pointed, 
his handheart mated, his handaxe risen, his handleaf fallen. 
Helpsome hand that holemost heals ! What is het holy ! It gested. 

And it said: 

— Alo, alass, aladdin, amobus! Does she lag soft fall means 
rest down? Shaun yawned, as his general address rehearsal, 
(that was antepropreviousday's pigeons-in-a-pie with rough 
dough for the carrier and the hash-say-ugh of overgestern pluzz 
the 'stuesday's shampain in his head, with the memories of the 
past and the hicnuncs of the present embelliching the musics of 
the futures from Miccheruni's band) addressing himself ex alto 
and complaining with vocal discontent it was so close as of 
the fact the rag was up and of the briefs and billpasses, a houseful 
of deadheads, of him to dye his paddycoats to morn his hestern- 

407 



most earning, his board in the swealth of his fate as, having 
moistened his manducators upon the quiet and scooping molars 
and grinders clean with his two fore fingers, he sank his hunk, 
dowanouet to resk at once, exhaust as winded hare, utterly spent, 
it was all he could do (disgusted with himself that the combined 
weight of his tons of iosals was a hundred men's massed too much 
for him), upon the native heath he loved covered kneehigh with 
virgin bush, for who who e'er trod sod of Erin could ever sleep 
off the turf! Well, I'm liberally dished seeing myself in this trim! 
How all too unwordy am I, a mere mailman of peace, a poor loust 
hastehater of the first degree, the principot of Candia, no legs and 
a title, for such eminence, or unpro promenade rather, to be much 
more exact, as to be the bearer extraordinary of these postoomany 
missive on his majesty's service while me and yous and them we're 
extending us after the pattern of reposiveness ! Weh is me, yeh is 
ye! I, the mightif beam maircanny, which bit his mirth too early 
or met his birth too late ! It should of been my other with his 
leickname for he's the head and I'm an everdevoting fiend of his. 
I can seeze tomirror in tosdays of yer when we lofobsed os so ker. 
Those sembal simon pumpkel pieman yers ! We shared the twin 
chamber and we winked on the one wench and what Sim sobs 
todie I'll reeve tomorry, for 'twill be, I have hopes of, Sam 
Dizzier's feedst. Tune in, tune on, old Tighe, high, high, high, 
I'm thine owelglass. Be old! He looks rather thin, imitating me. 
I'm very fond of that other of mine. Fish hands Macsorley! 
Elien ! Obsequies ! Bonzeye ! Isaac Egari's Ass ! We're the music- 
hall pair that won the swimmyease bladdhers at the Guinness 
gala in Badeniveagh. I ought not to laugh with him on this stage. 
But he' such a game loser! I lift my disk to him. Brass and reeds, 
brace and ready! How is your napper. Handy, and hownow does 
she stand.'^ First he was living to feel what the eldest daughter she was 
panseying and last he was dying to know what old Madre Patriack 
does be up to. Take this John's Lane in your toastingfourch. Shaun- 
ti and shaunti and shaunti again! And twelve coolinder moons! 
I am no helotwashipper but I revere her! For my own coant! She 
has studied! Piscisvendolor! You're grace! Futs dronk ot 

408 



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Wouldndom ! But, Gemini, he's looking frightfully thin ! I heard 
the man Shee shinging in the pantry bay. Down among the dust- 
bins let him lie! Ear! Ear! Not ay! Eye! Eye! For Fm at the heart 
of it. Yet I cannot on my solemn merits as a recitativer recollect 
ever having done of anything of the kind to deserve of such. 
Not the phost of a nation ! Nor by a long trollop ! I just didn't have 
the time to. Saint Anthony Guide ! 

— But have we until now ever besought you, dear Shaun, we 
remembered, who it was, good boy, to begin with, who out of 
symphony gave you the permit.'^ 

— Goodbye now, Shaun replied, with a voice pure as a church- 
mode, in echo rightdainty, with a good catlick tug at his coco- 
moss candylock, a foretaste in time of his cabbageous brain's 
curlyflower. Athiacaro! Comb his tar odd gee sing your mower 

0 meeow.'^ Greet thee Good.'^ How are them columbuses! Lard 
have mustard on them! Fatiguing, very fatiguing. Hobos horn- 
knees and the corveeture of my spine. Poumeerme ! My heaviest 
crux and dairy lot it is, with a bed as hard as the thinkamuddles 
of the Greeks and a board as bare as a Roman altar. I'm off 
rabbited kitchens and relief porridgers. No later than a very few 
fortnichts since I was meeting on the Thinker's Dam with a pair 
of men out of glasshouse whom I shuffled hands with named 
MacBlacks — I think their names is MacBlakes — from the Headfire 
Clump — and they were improving me and making me beliek no 
five hour factory life with insufficient emollient and industrial 
disabled for them that day o'gratises. I have the highest grati- 
fication by anuncing how I have it from whowho but Hagios 
CoUeenkiller's prophecies. After suns and moons, dews and 
wettings, thunders and fires, comes sabotag. Solvitur palum- 
hallando! Tilvido! Adie! 

— Then, we explained, salve a tour, ambly andy, you possibly 
might be so by order.^ 

— Forgive me, Shaun repeated from his liquid lipes, not what 

1 wants to do a strike of work but it was condemned on me pre- 
mitially by Hireark Books and Chiefoverseer Cooks in their 
Eusebian Concordant Homilies and there does be a power com- 

409 



ing over me that is put upon me from on high out of the book of 
breedings and so as it is becoming hairydittary I have of coerce 
nothing in view to look forward at unless it is Swann and beat- 
ing the blindquarters out of my oldfellow's orologium oloss olo- 
rium. A bad attack of maggot it feels like. 'Tis trope, custodian 
said. Almost might I say of myself, while keeping out of crime, 
I am now becoming about fed up be going circulating about them 
new hikler's highways like them nameless souls, ercked and skorned 
and grizzild all over, till it's rusty October in this bleak forest 
and was veribally complussed by thinking of the crater of some 
noted volcano or the Dublin river or the catchalot trouth subsi- 
dity as away out or to isolate i from my multiple Mes on the 
spits of Lumbage Island or bury meself, clogs, coolcellar and all, 
deep in my wineupon ponteen unless Morrissey's colt could help 
me or the gander maybe at 49 as it is a tithe fish so it is, this 
pig's stomach business, and where on dearth or in the miraculous 
meddle of this expending umniverse to turn since it came into 
my hands I am hopeless off course to be doing anything con- 
cerning. 

— We expect you are, honest Shaun, we agreed, but from 
franking machines, Hmricked, that in the end it may well turn out, 
we hear to be you, our belated, who will bear these open letter. 
Speak to us of Emailia. 

— As, Shaun replied patly, with tootlepick tact too and a 
down of his dampers, to that I have the gumpower and, by the 
benison of Barbe, that is a lock to say with everything, my be- 
loved. 

— Would you mind telling us, Shaun honey, beg little big 
moreboy, we proposed to such a dear youth, where mostly are 
you able to work. Ah, you might! Whimper and we shall. 

— Here! Shaun replied, while he was fondling one of liis 
cowheel cuffs. There's no sabbath for nomads and I mostly was 
able to walk, being too soft for work proper, sixty odd eilish 
mires a week between three masses a morn and two chaplets at 
eve. I am always telling those pedcstriasts, my answerers. Top, 
Sid and Hucky, now (and it is a veriest throth as the thieves' re- 

410 



scension) how it was forstold for me by brevet for my vacation 
in life while possessing stout legs to be disbarred after holy orders 
from unnecessary servile work of reckless walking of all sorts for 
the relics of my time for otherwise by my so douching I would 
get into a blame there where sieves fall out, Excelsior tips the best. 
Weak stop work stop walk stop whoak. Go thou this island, one 
housesleep there, then go thou other island, two housesleep there, 
then catch one nightmaze, then home to dearies. Never back a 
woman you defend, never get quit of a friend on whom you 
depend, never make face to a foe till he's rife and never get stuck 
to another man's pfife. Amen, ptah ! His hungry will be done ! On 
the continent as in Eironesia. But believe me in my simplicity I am 
awful good, I believe, so I am, at the root of me, praised be right 
cheek Discipline! And I can now truthfully declaret before my 
Geity's Pantokreator with my fleshfettered palms on the epizzles 
of the apossels that I do my reasonabler's best to recite my grocery 
beans for mummy mit dummy mot muthar mat bonzar regular, 
genuflections enclosed. Hek domov muy, there thou beest on the 
hummock, ghee up, ye dog, for your daggily broth, etc., Happy 
Maria and Glorious Patrick, etc., etc. In fact, always, have I 
believe. Greedo 1 Her's me hongue ! 

— And it is the fullsoot of a tarabred. Yet one minute's ob- 
servation, dear dogmestic Shaun, as we point out how you have 
while away painted our town a wearing greenridinghued. 

— O murder mere, how did you hear.'^ Shaun replied, smoil- 
ing the ily way up his lampsleeve (it just seemed the natural thing 
to do), so shy of light was he then. Well, so be it! The gloom hath 
rays, her lump is love. And I will confess to have, yes. Your 
diogneses is anonest man's. Thrubedore I did ! Inditty I did. All lay 
I did. Down with the Saozon ruze! And I am afraid it wouldn't 
be my first coat's wasting after striding on the vampire and blaz- 
ing on the focoal. See ! blazing on the focoal. As see ! blazing upon 
the foe. Like the regular redshank I am. Impregnable as the mule 
himself. Somebody may perhaps hint at an aughter impression 
of I was wrong. No such a thing! You never made a more freud- 
ful mistake, excuse yourself! What's pork to you means meat to 

411 



me while you behold how I be eld. But it is grandiose by my 
ways of thinking from the prophecies. New worlds for all ! And 
they were scotographically arranged for gentlemen only by a 
scripchewer in whofoundland who finds he is a relative. And it 
was with my extravert davy. Like glue. Be through. Moyhard's 
daynoight, tomthumb. Phwum ! 

— How mielodorous is thy bel chant, O songbird, and how 
exqueezit thine after draught! Buccinate in Emenia tuba insigni 
volumnitatis tuae. But do you mean, O phausdheen phewn, from 
Pontoffbellek till the Kisslemerched our ledan triz will be.'^ we 
gathered substantively whether furniture would or verdure var- 
nish.'^ 

— It is a confoundyous injective so to say, Shaun the fiery 
boy shouted, naturally incensed, as he shook the red pepper out 
of his auricles. And another time please confine your glaring in- 
tinuations to some other mordant body. What on the physiog 
of this furnaced planet would I be doing besides your verjuice.'* 
That is more than I can fix, for the teom bihan, anyway. So let I 
and you now kindly drop that, angryman! That's not French 
pastry. You can take it from me. Understand me when I tell you 
(and I will ask you not to whisple, cry golden or quoth mecback) 
that under the past purcell's ofiice, so deeply deplored by my 
erstwhile elder friend. Miss Enders, poachmistress and gay re- 
ceiver ever for in particular to the Scotic Poor Men's Thousand 
Gallon Cow Society (I was thinking of her in sthore) allbethey 
blessed with twentytwo thousand sorters out of a biggest poss 
of twentytwo thousand, mine's won, too much privet stationery 
and safty quipu was ate up larchly by those nettlesome goats 
out of pension greed. Colpa di BeccOy huon apartitaf Proceding, 
I will say it is also one of my avowal's intentions, at some time 
pease Pod pluse murthers of gout (when I am not prepared to say) 
so apt as my pen is upt to scratch, to compound quite the makings 
of a verdigrease savingsbook in the form of a pair of capri 
sheep boxing gloves surrounding this matter of the Welsfusel 
mascoteers and their sindybuck that saved a city for my publickers, 
Nolaner and Browno, Nickil Hopstout, Christcross, so long as, 

412 




u 



thanks to force of destiny, my selary as a paykelt is propaired, 
and there is a peg under me and there is a turn till me. 

To the Very Honourable The Memory of Disgrace, the Most 
Noble, Sometime Sweepyard at the Service of the Writer. Salu- 
tem dicint. The just defunct Mrs Sanders who (the Loyd insure 
her!) I was shift and shuft too, with her shester Mrs Shunders, 
both mudical dauctors from highschoolhorse and aslyke as 
Easther's leggs. She was the niceliest person of a wellteached non- 
party woman that I ever acquired her letters, only too fat, used 
to babies and tottydean verbish this is her entertermentdags for 
she shuk the bottle and tuk the medascene all times a day. She 
was well under ninety, poor late Mrs, and had tastes of the poetics, 
me having stood the pilgarlick a fresh at sea when the moon also 
was standing in a corner of sweet Standerson my ski. P.L.M. 
Mevrouw von Andersen was her whogave me a muttonbrooch, 
stakkers for her begfirst party. Honour thy farmer and my lit- 
ters. This, my tears, is my last will intesticle wrote off in the 
strutforit about their absent female assauciations which I, or per- 
haps any other person what squaton a toffette, have the honour 
to had upon their polite sophykussens in the real presence of de- 
vouted Mrs Grumby when her skin was exposed to the air. O 
what must the grief of my mund be for two little ptpt coolies 
worth twenty thousand quad herewitdnessed with both's 
maddlemass wishes to Pepette for next match from their dearly 
beloved Roggers, M.D.D. O.D. May doubling drop of drooght! 
Writing. 

— Hopsoloosely kidding you are totether with your cadenus 
and goat along nose how we shall complete that white paper. 
Two venusstas! Biggerstiff! Qweer but gaon! Be trouz and 
wholetrouz! Otherwise, frank Shaun, we pursued, what would 
be the autobiography of your softbodied fumiform.^ 

— Hooraymost! None whomsoever, Shaun replied. Heavenly 
blank! (he had intentended and was peering now rather close to 
the paste of his rubiny winklering) though it ought to be more 
or less rawcawcaw romantical. By the wag, how is Mr Fry.^ All 
of it, I might say, in ex-voto, pay and perks and wooden half- 

413 



pence, some rhino, rhine, O joy oust rhine, was handled over spon- 
daneously by me (and bundle end to my illwishers' Miss Anders 1 
she woor her wraith of ruins the night she lost I left !) in the ligname 
of Mr van Howten of Tredcastles, Clowntalkin, timbreman, among 
my prodigits nabobs and navious of every subscription entitled 
the Bois in the Boscoor, our evicted tenemants. What I say is (and 
I am noen roehorn or culkilt permit me to tell you, if uninformed), 
I never spont it. Nor have I the ghuest of innation on me the way 
to. It is my rule so. It went anyway like hot pottagebake. And 
this brings me to my fresh point. Quoniam, I am as plain as 
portable enveloped, inhowmuch, you will now parably receive, 
care of one of Mooseyeare Goonness's registered andouterthus 
barrels. Quick take um whiffat andrainit. Now! 

— So vi etl we responded. Song! Shaun, song! Have mood! 
Hold forth! 

— I apologuise, Shaun began, but I would rather spinooze 
you one from the grimm gests of Jacko and Esaup, fable one, 
feeble too. Let us here consider the casus, my dear little cousis 
(husstenhasstencaffincoffintussemtossemdamandamnacosaghcusa- 
ghhobixhatouxpeswchbechoscashlcarcarcaract) of the Ondt and 
the Gracehoper. 

The Gracehoper was always jigging ajog, hoppy on akkant 
of his joyicity, (he had a partner pair of findlestilts to supplant 
him), or, if not, he was always making ungraceful overtures to 
Floh and Luse and Bienie and Vespatilla to play pupa-pupa and 
pulicy-pulicy and langtennas and pushpygyddyum and to com- 
mence insects with him, there mouthparts to his orefice and his 
gambills to there airy processes, even if only in chaste, ameng 
the everlistings, behold a waspering pot. He would of curse 
melissciously, by his fore feelhers, flexors, contractors, depres- 
sors and extensors, lamely, harry me, marry me, bury me, bind 
me, till she was puce for shame and allso fourmish her in Spin- 
ner's housery at the earthsbest schoppinhour so summery as his 
cottage, which was cald fourmillierly Tingsomingenting, groped 
up. Or, if he was always striking up funny funereels with Bester- 
farther Zeuts, the Aged One, with all his wigeared corollas, albe- 



dinous and oldbuoyant, inscythe his elytrical wormcasket and 
Dehlia and Peonia, his druping nymphs, bewheedling him, com- 
pound eyes on hornitosehead, and Auld Letty Plussiboots to 
scratch his cacumen and cackle his tramsitus, diva deborah (seven 
bolls of sapo, a lick of lime, two spurts of fussfor, threefurts of 
sulph, a shake o'shouker, doze grains of migniss and a mesfull of 
midcap pitchies. The whool of the whaal in the wheel of the 
whorl of the Boubou from Bourneum has thus come to taonl), 
and with tambarins and cantoridettes soturning around his eggs- 
hill rockcoach their dance McCaper in retrophoebia, beck from 
bulk, like fantastic disossed and jenny aprils, to the ra, the ra, the 
ra, the ra, langsome heels and langsome toesis, attended to by a 
mutter and doffer duffmatt baxingmotch and a myrmidins of 
pszozlers pszinging Satyr s Caudledayed Nice and Horribly^ 
Domhly Sod We Awhile but Ho, Time Timeagen, Wake! For if 
sciendum (what's what) can mute uns nought, 'a thought, 
abought the Great Sommboddy within the Omniboss, perhops an 
artsaccord (hoot's hoot) might sing ums tumtim abutt the Little 
Newbuddies that ring his panch. A high old tide for the bar- 
heated publics and the whole day as gratiis ! Fudder and lighting 
for ally looty, any filly in a fog, for O'Cronione lags acrumbling 
in his sands but his sunsunsuns still tumble on. Erething above 
ground, as his Book of Breathings bed him, so as everwhy, sham 
or shunner, zeemliangly to kick time. 

Grouscious me and scarab my sahul! What a bagateller it is! 
Libelulous! Inzanzarity! Pou! Pschla! Ptuh! What a zeit for the 
goths! vented the Ondt, who, not being a sommerfool, was 
thothfolly making chilly spaces at hisphex affront of the icinglass 
of his windhame, which was cold antitopically Nixnixundnix. 
We shall not come to party at that lopp's, he decided possibly, 
for he is not on our social list. Nor to Ba's berial nether, thon 
sloghard, this oldeborre's yaar ablong as there's a khul on a khat. 
Nefersenless, when he had safely looked up his ovipository, he 
loftet hails and prayed: May he me no voida water! Seekit Ha- 
tup! May no he me tile pig shed on! Suckit Hotup! As broad as 
Beppy's realm shall flourish my reign shall flourish! As high as 

41? 



Heppy's hevn shall flurrish my haine shall hurrish! Shall grow, 
shall flourish! Shall hurrish! Hummum. 

The Ondt was a weltall fellow, raumybult and abelboobied, 
bynear saw altitudinous wee a schelling in kopfers. He was sair 
sair sullemn and chairmanlooking when he was not making spaces 
in his psyche, but, laus ! when he wore making spaces on his ikey, 
he ware mouche mothst secred and muravyingly wisechairman- 
looking. Now whim the sillybilly of a Gracehoper had jingled 
through a jungle of love and debts and jangled through a jumble 
of life in doubts afterworse, wetting with the bimblebeaks, drik- 
king with nautonects, bilking with durrydunglecks and horing 
after lady birdies (ichnehmon diagelegenaitoikon) he fell joust as 
sieck as a sexton and tantoo pooveroo quant a churchprince, and 
wheer the midges to wend hemsylph or vosch to sirch for grub 
for his corapusse or to find a hospes, alick, he wist gnit! Bruko 
dry! fuko spint! Sultamont osa bare! And volomundo osi vide- 
vide! Nichtsnichtsundnichts! Not one pickopeck of muscow- 
money to bag a tittlebits of beebread! lomio! lomio! Crick's 
corbicule, which a plight! O moy Bog, he contrited with melan- 
ctholy. Meblizzered, him sluggered ! I am heartily hungry ! 

He had eaten all the whilepaper, swallowed the lustres, de- 
voured forty flights of styearcases, chewed up all the mensas and 
seccles, ronged the records, made mundballs of the ephemerids 
and vorasioused most glutinously with the very timeplace in the 
ternitary — not too dusty a cicada of neutriment for a chittinous 
chip so mitey. But when Chrysalmas was on the bare branches, 
off he went from Tingsomingenting. He took a round stroll and 
he took a stroll round and he took a round strollagain till the 
grillies in his head and the leivnits in his hair made him thought 
he had the Tossmania. Had he twicycled the sees of the deed 
and trestraversed their revermer? Was he come to hevre with his 
engiles or gone to hull with the poop? The June snows was 
flocking in thuckflues on the hegelstomes, millipeeds of it and 
myriopoods, and a lugly whizzling tournedos, the Boraborayel- 
Jers, blohablasting tegolhuts up to tetties and ruching sleets off 
the coppeehouses, playing ragnowrock rignewreck, with an irri- 

416 



tant, penetrant, siphonopterous spuk. Grausssssss! Opr! 
Grausssssss! Opr! 

The Gracehoper who, though blind as batflea, yet knew, not 
a leetle beetle, his good smetterling of entymology asped niss- 
unitimost lous nor liceens but promptly tossed himself in the 
vico, phthin and phthir, on top of his buzzer, tezzily wondering 
wheer would his aluck alight or boss of both appease and the 
next time he makes the aquinatance of the Ondt after this they 
have met themselves, these mouschical umsummables, it shall be 
motylucky if he will beheld not a world of differents. Behailed 
His Gross the Ondt, prostrandvorous upon his dhrone, in his 
Papylonian babooshkees, smolking a spatial brunt of Hosana 
cigals, with unshrinkables farfalling from his unthinkables, 
swarming of himself in his sunnyroom, sated before his com- 
fortumble phullupsuppy of a plate o'monkynous and a confucion 
of minthe (for he was a conformed aceticist and aristotaller), as 
appi as a oneysucker or a baskerboy on the Libido, with Floh 
biting his leg thigh and Luse lugging his luff leg and Bieni bussing 
him under his bonnet and Vespatilla blowing cosy fond tutties 
up the allabroad length of the large of his smalls. As entomate 
as intimate could pinchably be. Emmet and demmet and be jiltses 
crazed and be jadeses whipt! schneezed the Gracehoper, aguepe 
with ptchjelasys and at his wittoFs indts, what have eyeforsight! 

The Ondt, that true and perfect host, a spiter aspinne, was 
making the greatest spass a body could with his queens lace- 
swinging for he was spizzing all over him like thingsumanything 
in formicolation, boundlessly blissfilled in an allallahbath of 
houris. He was ameising himself hugely at crabround and mary- 
pose, chasing Floh out of charity and tickling Luse, I hope too, 
and tackling Bienie, faith, as well, and jucking Vespatilla jukely 
by the chimiche. Never did Dorsan from Dunshanagan dance it 
with more devilry! The veripatetic imago of the impossible 
Gracehoper on his odderkop in the myre, after his thrice ephe- 
meral journeeys, sans mantis ne shooshooe, featherweighed 
animule, actually and presumptuably sinctifying chronic's de- 
spair, was sufficiendy and probably coocoo much for his chorous 

417 



of gravitates. Let him be Artalone the Weeps with his parisites 
peeling off him Til be Highfee the Crackasider. Flunkey Footle 
furloughed foul, writing off his phoney, but Conte Carme makes 
the melody that mints the money. Ad majorem Ls.dJ Divigloriam. 
A darkener of the threshold. Haru.'^ Orimis, capsizer of his ant- 
boat, sekketh rede from Evil-it-is, lord of loaves in Amongded. 
Be it! So be it! Thou-who-thou-art, the fleet-as-spindhrift, 
impfang thee of mine wideheight. Haru 1 
The thing pleased him andt, and andt. 

He larved ond he larved on he merd such a nauses 

The Gracehoper feared he would mixplace his fauces. 

I forgive yoUy grondt Ondty said the Gracehoper ^ weeping. 

For their sukes of the sakes you are safe in whose keeping. 

Teach Floh and Luse polkas, show Bienie where s sweet 

And he sure Vespatilla fines fat ones to heat. 

As I once played the piper I must now pay the count 

So saida to Moyhammlet and marhaba to your Mount/ 

Let who likes lump above so what flies be a full 'un; 

I could not feel moregruggy if this was prompollen. 

I pick up your reproof the horsegift of a friend. 

For the pri^e of your save is the price of my spend. 

Can castwhores pulladeftkiss if oldpollocks forsake 'em 

Or Culex feel etchy if Pulex dont wake him? 

A locus to loue, a term it tembarass. 

These twain are the twins that tick Homo Vulgaris. 

Has Aquileone nort winged to go syf 

Since the Gwyfyn we were in his farrest drewbryf 

And that Accident Man not beseeked where his story ends 

Since longsephyring sighs sought heartseast for their orience? 

We are Wastenot with Want, precondamned, two and true. 

Till Nolans go volants and Bruneyes come blue. 

Ere those gidflirts now gadding you quit your mocks for my gropes 

An extense must impull, an elapse must elopes. 

Of my tectucs takestock, tinktact, and ail's weal; 

As I view by your farlook hale yourself to my heal. 

418 



Partiprise my thinwhins whiles my blink points unbroken on 

Your whole's whercabroads with Tout's trightyright token on. 

My in risible universe youdly haud find 

Sulch oxtrabeeforeness meat soveal behind. 

Your feats end enormous y your volumes immense ^ 

{May the Graces I hoped for sing your Ondtship song sense/) y 

Your genus its worldwide, your spacest sublime! 

Buty Holy Saltmartiny why can't you beat time? 

In the name of the former and of the latter and of their holo- 
caust. Allmen. 

— Now? How good you are in explosition! How farflung is 
your fokloire and how velktingeling your volupkabulary! Qui 
vive sparanto qua muore contanto. O foibler, O flip, you've that 
wandervogl wail withyin ! It falls easily upon the earopen and goes 
down the friskly shortiest like treacling tumtim with its tingting- 
taggle. The blarneyest blather in all Corneywall! But could you, 
of course, decent Lettrechaun, we knew (to change your name of 
not your nation) while still in the barrel, read the strangewrote 
anaglyptics of those shemletters patent for His Christian's Em? 

— Greek! Hand it to me! Shaun replied, plosively pointing to 
the cinnamon quistoquill behind his acoustrolobe. I'm as after- 
dusk nobly Roman as pope and water could christen me. Look 
at that for a ridingpin! I am, thing Sing Larynx, letter potent to 
play the sem backwards like Oscan wild or in shunt Persse trans- 
luding from the Otherman or oiff the Toptic or anything off the 
types of my finklers in the draught or with buttles, with my oyes 
thickshut and all. But, hellas, it is harrobrew bad on the corns and 
callouses. As far as that goes I associate myself with your remark 
just now from theodicy re'furloined notepaper and quite agree in 
your prescriptions for indeed I am, pay Gay, in juxtaposition to 
say it is not a nice production. It is a pinch of scribble, not 
wortha bottle of cabbis. Overdrawn! Puffedly offal tosh! Be- 
sides its auctionable, all about crime and libel ! Nothing beyond 
clerical horrors et omnibus to be entered for the foreign as second- 
class matter. The fuellest filth ever fired since Charley Lucan's. 

419 



Flummery is what I would call it if you were to ask me to put it 
on a single dimension what pronounced opinion I might possibly 
orally have about them bagses of trash which the mother and 
Mr Unmentionable (O breed not his same!) has reduced to writ- 
ing without making news out of my sootynemm. When she 
slipped under her couchman. And \y}iere he made a cat with a 
peep. How they wore two madges on the makewater. And why 
there were treefellers in the shrubrubs. Then he hawks his hand- 
mud figgers from Francie to Fritzie down in the kookin. Phiz 
is me mother and Hair's me father. Bauv Betty Famm and Pig 
Pig Pike. Their livetree (may it flourish !) by their ecotaph (let it 
stayne!). With balsinbal bimbies swarming tiltop. Comme bien, 
Comme bien! Feefeel! Feefeel! And the Dutches dyin loffin at 
his pon peck de Barec. And all the mound reared. Till he wot not 
wot to begin he should. An infant sailing eggshells on the floor 
of a wet day would have more sabby. 

Letter, carried of Shaun, son of Hek, written of Shem, brother 
of Shaun, uttered for Alp, mother of Shem, for Hek, father of 
Shaun. Initialled. Gee. Gone. 29 Hardware Saint. Lendet till 
Laonum. Baile-Atha-Cliath. 31 Jan. 11 32 a.d. Here Com- 
merces Enville. Tried Apposite House. 13 Fitzgibbets. Loco. 
Dangerous. Tax 9d. B.L. Guineys, esqueer. L.B. Not known at 
1 132 a. 12 Norse Richmound. Nave unlodgeable. Loved noa's 
dress. Sinned, Jetty Pierrse. Noon sick parson. 92 Windsewer. 
Ave. No such no. Vale. Finn's Hot. Exbelled from 1014 d. Pull- 
down. Fearview. Opened by Miss Take. 965 nighumpledan sexti- 
ffits. Shout at Site. Roofloss. Fit Dunlop and Be Satisfied. Mr. 
Domnall O'Domnally. Q.V. 8 Royal Terrors. None so strait. 
Shutter up. Dining with the Danes. Removed to Philip's Burke. 
At sea. D.E.D. Place scent on. Clontalk. Father Jacob, Rice 
Factor. 3 Castlewoos. P.V. Arrusted. J.P. Converted to Hos- 
pitalism. Ere the March past of Civilisation. Once Bank of Ireland's. 
Return to City Arms. 2 Milchbroke. Wrongly spilled. Traumcon- 
draws. Now Bunk of England's. Drowned in the Lafley. Here. 
The Reverest Adam Foundlitter. Shown geshotten. 7 Streetpetres. 
Since Cabranke. Seized of the Crownd. Well, Sir Arthur. Buy 

420 



Patersen's Matches. Unto his promisk hands. Blown up last 
Lemmas by Orchid Lodge. Search Unclaimed Male. House Con- 
damned by Ediles. Back in Few Minutes. Closet for Repeers. 60 
Shellburn. Key at Kate's. Kiss. Isaac's Butt, Poor Man. Dalicious 
arson. Caught. Missing. Justiciated. Kainly forewarred. Abraham 
Badly's King, Park Bogey. Salved. All reddy berried. Hollow and 
eavy. Desert it. Overwayed. Understrumped. Back to the P.O. 
Kaer of. Ownes owe M.O. Too Let. To Be Soiled. Cohabited 
by Unfortunates. Lost all Licence. His Bouf Toe is Frozen Over. 
X, Y and Z, Ltd, Destinied Tears. A.B, ab. Sender. Boston 
(Mass). 31 Jun. 13, 12. P.D. Razed. Lawyered. Vacant. Mined. 
Here's the BayleafFs. Step out to Hall out of that, Ereweaker, 
with your Bloody Big Bristol. Bung. Stop. Bung. Stop. Cumm 
Bumm. Stop. Came Baked to Auld Aireen. Stop. 

— Kind Shaun, we all requested, much as we hate to say it, 
but since you rose to the use of money have you not, without 
suggesting for an instant, millions of moods used up slanguage 
tun times as words as the penmarks used out in sinscript with such 
hesitancy by your cerebrated brother — excuse me not men- 
tioningahem.^ 

— CelebrAted! Shaun replied under the sheltar of his brog- 
uish, vigorously rubbing his magic lantern to a glow of full- 
consciousness. HeCitEncy! Your words grates on my ares. 
Notorious I rather would feel inclined to myself in the first place 
to describe Mr O'Shem the Draper with before letter as should 
I be accentually called upon for a dieoguinnsis to pass my opinions, 
properly spewing, into impulsory irelitz. But I would not care to 
be so unfruitful to my own part as to swear for the moment posi- 
tively as to the views of Denmark. No, sah ! But let me say my 
every belief before my high Gee is that I much doubt of it. I've no 
room for that fellow on my fagroaster, I just can't. As I hourly 
learn from Rooters and Havers through Gilligan's maypoles in 
a nice pathetic notice he, the pixillated doodler, is on his last with 
illegible clergimanths boasting always of his ruddy complexious ! 
She, the mammy far, was put up to it by him, the iniquity that 
ought to be depraved of his libertins to be silenced, sackclothed 

421 



and suspended, and placed in irons into some drapyery institution 
off the antipopees for wordsharping only if he was klanver enough 
to pass the panel fleischcurers and the fieldpost censor. Gach! 
For that is a fullblown fact and well celibated before the four 
divorce courts and all the King's paunches, how he has the 
solitary from seeing Scotch snakes and has a lowsense for the pro- 
duction of consumption and dalickey cyphalos on his brach 
premises where he can purge his contempt and dejeunerate into a 
skilly ton be thinking himself to death. Rot him ! Flannelfeet 1 Flatty- 
ro! I will describe you in a word. Thou. (I beg your pardon.) 
Homo! Then putting his bedfellow on me! (like into mike and 
nick onto post). The criniman: I'll give it to him for that! Making 
the lobbard change hisstops, as we say in the long book! Is he 
on whosekeeping or are my! Obnoximost posthumust! With his 
unique hornbook and his prince of the apauper's pride, blunder- 
ing all over the two worlds ! If he waits till I buy him a mossel- 
man's present! Ho's nos halfcousin of mine, pigdish! Nor wants 
to! I'd famish with the cuistha first. Aham! 

— May we petition you, Shaun illustrious, then, to put his 
prentis' pride in your aproper's purse and to unravel in your own 
sweet way with words of style to your very and most obse- 
quient, we suggested, with yet an esiop's foible, as to how.'^ 

— Well it is partly my own, isn't it.'^ and you may, ought and 
welcome, Shaun replied, taking at the same time, as his hunger 
got the bitter of him, a hearty bite out of the honeycomb of his 
Braham and Melosedible hat, tryone, tryon and triune. Ann wun- 
kum. Sure, I thunkum you knew all about that, honorey causes, 
through thelemontary channels long agum. Sure, that is as old as 
the Baden bees of Saint Dominoc's and as commonpleas now to 
alius pueblows and bunkum as Nelson his trifulgurayous pillar. 
However. Let me see, do. Beerman's bluff was what begun it. Old 
Knoll and his borrowing! And then the liliens of the veldt, Nancy 
Nickies and Folletta Lajambe! Then mem and hem and the jaque- 
jack. All about Wucherer and righting his name for him. I regret 
to announce, after laying out his litterery bed, for two days she 
kept squealing down for noisy priors and bawling out to her 

422 



I 

t 



I 




jameymock farceson in Shemish like a mouther of the incas with 
a garcielasso huw Ananymus pinched her tights and about the 
Bait with the markshaire parawag and his loyal divorces, when he "z.* B *2- 
feraxiously shed ovas in Alemaney, tse tse, all the tell of the tud 
with the bourighevisien backclack, and him, the cribibber like an 
ambi trickster, aspiring like the decan's, fast aslooped in the in- 
trance to his polthronechair with his sixth finger between his cats- -r-v ^ 7^. 
eye and the index, making his pillgrimace of Childe Horrid, en- u 
grossing to his ganderpan what the idioglossary he invented under 
hicks hyssop! Hock! Ickick gav him that toock, imitator! And it 
was entirely theck latter to blame. Does he drink because I am sorely 
there shall be no more Kates and Nells. If you see him it took 
place there. It was given meeck, thank the Bench, to assist at the 
whole thing byck special chancery licence. As often as I think of 
that unbloody housewarmer, Shem Skrivenitch, always cutting 
my prhose to please his phrase, bogorror, I declare I get the 
jawache! Be me punting his reflection he'd begin his beogre- 
fright in muddyass ribalds. Digteter! Grundtsagar! Swop beef! 
You know he's peculiar, that eggschicker, with the smell of old 
woman off him, to suck nothing of his switchedupes. M.D. made 
his ante mortem for him. He was grey at three, like sygnus the 
swan, when he made his boo to the public and barnacled up to the 
eyes when he repented after seven. The alum that winters on his 
top is the stale of the staun that will soar when he stambles till 
that hag of the coombe rapes the pad off his lock. He was down 
with the whooping laugh at the age of the loss of reason the 
whopping first time he prediseased me. He's weird, I tell you, and 
middayevil down to his vegetable soul. Never mind his falls 
feet and his tanbark complexion. That's why he was forbidden 
tomate and was warmed off the ricecourse of marrimoney, under 
the Helpless Corpses Enactment. I'm not at all surprised the saint 
kicked him whereby the sum taken Berkeley showed the reason 
genrously. Negas^ negasti — negertop, negertoe, negertoby, ne- 
grunter! Then he was pusched out of Thingamuddy's school 
by Miss Garterd, for itching. Then he caught the europicolas and 
went into the society of jewses. With Bro Cahlls and Fran Czeschs 

423 



and Bruda Pszths and Brat Slaves. One temp when he foiled to 
be killed, the freak wanted to put his bilingual head intentionally 
through the Ikish Tames and go and join the clericy as a demoni- 
can skyterrier. Throwing dust in the eyes of the Hooley Fer- 
mers! He used to be avowdeed as he ought to be vitandist. For 
onced I squeaked by twyst Til squelch him. Then he went to 
Cecilia's treat on his solo to pick up Galen. Asbestopoulos ! Inku- 
pot! He has encaust in the blood. Shim! I have the outmost con- 
tempt for. Prost bitten! Conshy! Tiberia is waiting on you, 
arestocrank ! Chaka a seagull ticket at Gattabuia and Gabbiano's ! 
Go o'er the sea, haythen, from me and leave your libber to TCD. 
Your puddin is cooked! You're served, cram ye! Fatefully 
yaourth . . . Ex. Ex. Ex. Ex. 

— But for what, thrice truthful teller, Shaun of grace .'^ weakly 
we went on to ask now of the gracious one. Vouchsafe to say. 
You will now, goodness, won't you.'* Why.^ 

— For his root language, if you ask me whys, Shaun replied, 
as he blessed himself devotionally like a crawsbomb, making act 
of oblivion, footinmouther! (what the thickuns else.'*) which he 
picksticked into his lettruce invrention. UUhodturdenweirmud- 
gaardgringnirurdrmolnirfenrirlukkilokkibaugimandodrrerin- 
surtkrinmgernrackinarockar ! Thor's for yo! 

— The hundredlettered name again, last word of perfect lan- 
guage. But you could come near it, we do suppose, strong Shaun 
O', we foresupposed. How.'^ 

— Peax! Peax! Shaun replied in vealar penultimatum. 'Tis 
pebils before Sweeney's as he swigged a slug of Jon Jacobsen 
from his treestem sucker cane. Mildbut likesome! I might as 
well be talking to the four waves till tibbes grey eves and the 
rests asleep. Frost! Nope! No one in his seven senses could as 
I have before said, only you missed my drift, for it's being in- 
cendiary. Every dimmed letter in it is a copy and not a few of the 
silbils and wholly words I can show you in my Kingdom of 
Heaven. The lowquacity of him! With his threestar monothong! 
Thaw! The last word in stolentelling! And what's more right- 
down lowbrown schisthematic robblemint ! Yes. As he was rising 

424 



a 



5^ 



n 



94 



my lather. Like you. And as I was plucking his goosybone. Like 
yea. He store the tale of me shur. Like yup. How's that for 
Shemese.'^ 

— Still in a way, not to flatter you, we fancy you that you are 
so strikingly brainy and well letterread in yourshelves as ever were 
the Shamous Shamonous, Limited, could use worse of yourself, in- 
genious Shaun, we still so fancied, if only you would take your 
time so and the trouble of so doing it. Upu now! 

— Undoubtedly but that is show, Shaun replied, the mutter- 
melk of his blood donor beginning to work, and while innocent 
of disseminating the foul emanation, it would be a fall day I 
could not, sole, so you can keep your space and by the power of 
blurry wards I am loyable to do it (I am convicted of it!) any time 
ever I liked (bet ye fippence off me boot allowance!) with the 
allergrossest transfusiasm as, you see, while I can soroquise the 
Siamanish better than most, it is an openear secret, be it said, 
how I am extremely ingenuous at the clerking even with my 
badily left and, arrah go braz, I'd pinsel it with immenuensoes 
as easy as I'd perorate a chickerow of beans for the price of two 
maricles and my trifolium librotto, the authordux Book of Lief, 
would, if given to daylight, (I hold a most incredible faith about 
it) far exceed what that bogus bolshy of a shame, my soamheis 
brother, Gaoy Fecks, is conversant with in audible black and 
prink. Outragedy of poetscalds! Acomedy of letters! I have 
them all, tame, deep and harried, in my mine's I. And one of 
these fine days, man dear, when the mood is on me, that I 
may willhap cut my throat with my tongue tonight but I will 
be ormuzd moved to take potlood and introvent it Paatryk just 
like a work of merit, mark my words and append to my mark 
twang, that will open your pucktricker's ops for you, broather 
brooher, only for, as a papst and an immature and a nayophight 
and a spaciaman spaciosum and a hundred and eleven other things, 
I would never for anything take so much trouble of such doing. 
And why so.'^ Because I am altogether a chap too fly and hairy man 
for to infradig the like of that ultravirulence. And by all I hold 
sacred on earth clouds and in heaven I swear to you on my piop 

425 



and oath by the awe of Shaun (and that's a howl of a name!) that 
I will commission to the flames any incendiarist whosoever or 
ahriman howsoclever who would endeavour to set ever annyma 
roner moother of mine on fire. Rock me julie but I will soho ! 

And, with that crickcrackcruck of his threelungged squool 
from which grief had usupped every smile, big hottempered 
husky fusky krenfy strenfy pugiliser, such as he was, he virtually 
broke down on the mooherhead, getting quite jerry over her, 
overpowered by himself with the love of the tearsilver that 
he twined through her hair for, sure, he was the soft semplgawn 
slob of the world with a heart like Montgomery's in his showchest 
and harvey loads of feeling in him and as innocent and undesign- 
ful as the freshfallen calef. Still, grossly unselfish in sickself, he 
dished allarmes away and laughed it ofi" with a wipe at his pud- 
gies and a gulp apologetic, healing his tare be the smeyle of his 
oye, oogling around. Him belly no belong sollow mole pigeon. 
Ally bully. Fu Li's gulpa. Mind you, now, that he was in the 
dumpest of earnest orthough him jawr war hoo hleepy hor halk 
urthing hurther. Moe like that only he stopped short in looking 
up up upfrom his tide shackled wrists through the ghost of an 
ocean's, the wieds of pansiful heath vens of joepeter's gaseytotum 
as they are telling not but were and will be, all told, scruting fore- 
back into the fargoneahead to feel out what age in years tropical, 
ecclesiastic, civil or sidereal he might find by the sirious pointstand 
of Charley's Wain (what betune the spheres sledding along the 
lacteal and the mansions of the blest turning on old times) as ere- 
while had he craved of thus, the dreamskhwindel necklassoed him, 
his thumbs fell into his fists and, lusosing the harmonical balance 
of his ballbearing extremities, by the holy kettle, like a flask of 
lightning over he careened (O the sons of the fathers!) by the 
mightyfine weight of his barrel (all that prevented the happering 
of who if not the asterisks bet wink themselves shall ever.^) and, 
as the wisest postlude course he could playact, collaspsed in en- 
semble and rolled buoyantly backwards in less than a twink- 
ling via Rattigan's corner out of farther earshot with his highly 
curious mode of slipashod motion, surefoot, sorefoot, slickfoot, 

426 



slackfoot, linkman laizurely, lampman loungey, and by Killesther's 
lapes and falls, with corks, staves and treeleaves and more bub- 
bles to his keelrow a fairish and easy way enough as the town cow 
cries behind the times in the direction of Mac AulifFe's, the crucet- 
house, Open the Door Softly^ down in the valley before he was 
really uprighted ere in a dip of the downs (uila!) he spoorlessly 
disappaled and vanesshed, like a popo down a papa, from circular 
circulatio. Ah, mean! 
Gaogaogaone! Tapaa! 

And the Stellas were shinings. And the earthnight strewed 
aromatose. His pibrook creppt mong the donkness. A reek was 
waft on the luftstream. He was ours, all fragrance. And we were 
his for a lifetime. O dulcid dreamings languidous! Taboccoo! 

It was sh arming! But sharmeng! 

And the lamp went out as it couldn't glow on burning, yep, the 
Imp wnt out for it couldn't stay alight. 

Well, (how dire do we thee hours when thylike fades !) all's dall 
and youllow and it is to bedowern that thou art passing hence, 
mine bruder, able Shaun, with a twhisking of the robe, ere the 
morning of light calms our hardest throes, beyond cods' cradle 
and porpoise plain, from carnal relations undfamiliar faces, to the 
inds of Tuskland where the oliphants scrum till the ousts of 
Amiracles where the toll stories grow proudest, more is the pity, 
but for all your deeds of goodness you were soo ooft and for 
ever doing, manomano and myriamilia even to mulimuli, as 
our humbler classes, whose virtue is humility, can tell, it is hardly 
we in the country of the old, Sean Moy, can part you for, oleypoe, 
you were the walking saint, you were, tootoo too stayer, the 
graced of gods and pittites and the salus of the wake. Countenance 
whose disparition afflictedly fond Fuinn feels. Winner of the 
gamings, primed at the studience, propredicted from the story- 
bouts, the choice of ages wise! Spickspookspokesman of our 
specturesque silentiousness! Musha, beminded of us out therein '2. 7^ 
Cockpit, poor twelve o'clock scholars, sometime or other any- 
when you think the time. Wisha, becoming back to us way home 
in Biddyhouse one way or either anywhere we miss your smile. 

427 



Palmwine breadfruit sweetmeat milksoup! Suasusupo! However! 
Our people here in Samoanesia will not be after forgetting you 
and the elders luking and marking the jornies, chalkin up drizzle 
in drizzle out on the four bare mats. How you would be thinking 
in your thoughts how the deepings did it all begin and how you 
would be scrimmaging through your scruples to collar a hold of 
an imperfection being committled. Sireland calls you. Mery Loye 
is saling moonlike. And Slyly mamoumeen's ladymaid at Glads- 
house Lodge. Turn your coat, strong character, and tarry among 
us down the vale, yougander, only once more! And may the mosse 
of prosperousness gather you rolling home! May foggy dews be- 
diamondise your hooprings ! May the fireplug of filiality reinsure 
your bunghole! May the barleywind behind glow luck to your 
bathershins! Tis well we know you were loth to leave us, 
winding your hobbledehorn, right royal post, but, aruah sure, 
pulse of our slumber, dreambookpage, by the grace of Votre 
Dame, when the natural morning of your nocturne blankmerges 
into the national morning of golden sunup and Don Leary gets 
his own back from old grog Georges Quartos as that goodship the 
Jonnyjoys takes the wind from waterloogged Erin's king, you 
will shiff across the Moylendsea and round up in your own 
escapology some canonisator's day or other, sack on back, alack! 
digging snow, (not so.'^) like the good man you are, with your 
picture pockets turned knockside out in the rake of the rain for 
fresh remittances and from that till this in any case, timus tenant, 
may the tussocks grow quickly under your trampthickets and 
the daisies trip lightly over your battercops. 



428 




i 

I. 



Jaunty Jaun, as I was shortly before that made aware, next 
halted to fetch a breath, the first cothurminous leg of his night- 
stride being pulled through, and to loosen (let God's son now be 
looking down on the poor preambler!) both of his bruised 
brogues that were plainly made a good bit before his hosen were, 
at the weir by Lazar's Walk (for far and wide, as large as he was 
lively, was he noted for his humane treatment of any kind of 
abused footgear), a matter of maybe nine score or so barrelhours 
distance off as truly he merited to do. He was there, you could 
planemetrically see, when I took a closer look at him, that was to 
say, (gracious helpings, at this rate of growing our cotted child of 
yestereve will soon fill space and burst in systems, so speeds the 
instant!) amply altered for the brighter, though still the graven 
image of his squarer self as he was used to be, perspiring but 
happy notwithstanding his foot was still asleep on him, the way 
he thought, by the holy januarious, he had a bullock's hoof in his 
buskin, with his halluxes so splendid, through Ireland untran- 
scended, bigmouthed poesther, propped up, restant, against a 
butterblond warden of the peace, one comestabulish Sigurdsen, 
(and where a better than such exsearfaceman to rest from roving 
the laddyown he bootblacked?) who, buried upright like the 
Osbornes, kozydozy, had tumbled slumbersomely on sleep at 
night duty behind the curing station, equilebriated amid the 
embracings of a monopolized bottle. 

429 



Now, there were as many as twentynine hedge daughters out 
of Benent Saint Berched's national nightschool (for they seemed 
to remember how it was still a once-upon-a-four year) learning 
their antemeridian lesson of life, under its tree, against its warn- 
ing, beseated, as they were, upon the brinkspondy, attracted to 
the rarerust sight of the first human yellowstone landmark (the 
bear, the boer, the king of all boors, sir Humphrey his knave 
we met on the moors !) while they paddled away, keeping time 
magnetically with their eight and fifty pedalettes, playing foolu- 
fool jouay alio misto posto, O so jaonickally, all barely in their 
typtap teens, describing a charming dactylogram of nocturnes 
though repelled by the snores of the log who looked stuck to 
the sod as ever and oft, when liquefied, (vil!) he murmoaned 
abasourdly in his Dutchener's native, visibly unmoved, over his 
treasure trove for the crown: Doner dead bedstead mean diggy 
smuggy flashy! 

Jaun (after he had in the first place doffed a hat with a rein- 
forced crown and bowed to all the others in that chorus of praise 
of goodwill girls on their best beehiviour who all they were girls 
all rushing sowarmly for the post as buzzy as sie could bie to read 
his kisshands, kittering all about, rushing and making a tremen- 
dous girlsfuss over him pellmale, their jeime premier and his rosy- 
posy smile, mussing his frizzy hair and the golliwog curls of him, 
all, but that one; Finfria*s fairest, done in loveletters like a trayful 
of cloudberry tartlets (ain't they fine, mighty, mighty fine and 
honoured?) and smilingly smelling, pair and pair about, broad 
by bread and slender to slimmer, the nice perfumios that came 
cunvy peeling off him (nice!) which was angelic simply, savouring 
of wild thyme and parsley jumbled with breadcrumbs (O nice!) 
and feeling his full fat pouch for him so tactily and jingaling 
his jellybags for, though he looked a young chapplie of sixtine, 
they could frole by his manhood that he was just the killingest 
ladykiller all by kindness, now you, Jaun, asking kindlily (hillo, 
missies!) after their howareyous at all with those of their dolly- 
begs (and where's Agatha's lamb? and how are Bernadetta's 
columbillas? and Juliennaw's tubberbunnies? and Eulalina's 

430 



tuggerfunnies?) he next went on (finefeelingfit!) to drop a few 
stray remarks anent their personal appearances and the contrary 
tastes displayed in their tight kittycasques and their smart fricky- 
frockies, asking coy one after sloy one had she read Irish legginds 
and gently reproving one that the ham of her horn could be 
seen below her hem and whispering another aside, as lavariant, 
that the hook of her hum was open a bittock at her back to have 
a sideeye to that, hom, (and all of course just to fill up a form 
out of pure human kindness and in a sprite of fun) for Jaun, by 
the way, was by the way of becoming (I think, I hope he was) 
the most purely human being that ever was called man, loving all 
up and down the whole creation from Sampson's tyke to Jones's 
sprat and from the King of all Wrenns down to infuseries) Jaun, 
after those few prelimbs made out through his eroscope the 
apparition of his fond sister Izzy for he knowed his love by her 
waves of splabashing and she showed him proof by her way of 
blabushing nor could he forget her so tarnelly easy as all that 
since he was brotherbesides her benedict godfather and heaven 
knows he thought the world and his life of her sweet heart could 
buy, (brao !) poor, good, true, Jaun ! 

— Sister dearest, Jaun delivered himself with express cordia- 
lity, marked by clearance of diction and general delivery, as he 
began to take leave of his scolastica at once so as to gain time 
with deep affection, we honestly believe you sorely will miss us 
the moment we exit yet we feel as a martyr to the dischurch of 
all duty that it is about time, by Great Harry, we would shove 
off to stray on our long last journey and not be the load on ye. 
This is the gross proceeds of your teachings in which we were 
raised, you, sis, that used to write to us the exceeding nice letters 
for presentation and would be telling us anun (full well do we 
wont to recall to mind) thy oldworld tales of homespinning and 
derringdo and dieobscure and daddyho, these tales which reliter- 
ately whisked off our heart so narrated by thou, gesweest, to 
perfection, our pet pupil of the whole rhythmetic class and the 
mainsay of our erigenal house, the time we younkers twain were 
fairly tossing ourselves (O Phoebus! O Pollux!) in bed, having 

431 



been laid up with Castor's oil on the Parrish's syrup (the night 
we will remember) for to share our hard suite of affections with 
thee. 

I rise, O fair assemblage! Andcommincio. Now then, after 
this introit of exordium, my galaxy girls, quiproquo of directions 
to henservants I was asking his advice on the strict T.T. from 
Father Mike, P.P., my orational dominican and confessor doctor, 
C.C.D.D. (buy the birds, he was saying as he yerked me under 
the ribs sermon in an offrand way and confidence petween peas 
like ourselves in soandso many nuncupiscent words about how he 
had been confarreating teat-a-teat with two viragos intactas about 
what an awful life he led, poorish priced, uttering mass for a 
coppall of geldings and what a lawful day it was, there and then, 
for a consommation with an effusion and how, by all the manny 
larries ate pignatties, how, hell in tunnels, he'd marry me any 
old buckling time as flying quick as he'd look at me) and I am 
giving youth now again in words of style byaway of offertory 
hisand mikeadvice, an it place the person, as ere he retook him 
to his cure, those verbs he said to me. From above. The most 
eminent bishop titular of Dubloonik to all his purtybusses in 
Dellabelliney. Comeallyedimseldamsels, siddle down and lissle 
all! Follow me close! Keep me in view! Understeady me saries! 
Which is to all practising massoeurses from a preaching freer and 
be a gentleman without a duster before a parlourmade with- 
out a spitch. Now. During our brief apsence from this furtive 
feugtig season adhere to as many as probable of the ten com- 
mandments touching purgations and indulgences and in the long 
run they will prove for your better guidance along your path of 
right of way. Where the lisieuse are we and what's the first sing 
to be sung.'^ Is it rubrics, mandarimus, pasqualines, or verdidads 
is in it, or the bruiselivid indecores of estreme voyoulence and, 
for the lover of lithurgy, bekant or besant, where's the fate's to 
be wished for.^ Several sindays after whatsintime. I'll sack that sick 
server the minute I bless him. That's the mokst I can do for his 
grapce. Economy of movement, axe why said. I've a hopesome's 
choice if I chouse of all the sinkts in the colander. From the com- 

432 



I 




I 

_ 



I 



I 



mon for ignitiousPurpalume to the proper of Francisco Ultramare, 
last of scorchers, third of snows, in terrorgammons howdydos. 
Here she's, is a bell, that's wares in heaven, virginwhite, Undetri- 
gesima, vikissy manonna. Doremon's ! The same or similar to be 
kindly observed within the affianced dietcess of Gay OToole 
and Gloamy Gwenn du Lake (Danish spoken!) from Manducare 
Monday up till farrier's siesta in china dominos. Words taken in 
triumph, my sweet assistance, from the sufferant pen of our joco- 
sus inkerman militant of the reed behind the ear. 

Never miss your lostsomewhere mass for the couple in Myles 
you butrose to brideworship. Never hate mere pork which is bad 
for your knife of a good friday. Never let a hog of the howth 
trample underfoot your linen of Killiney. Never play lady's game 
for the Lord's stake. Never lose your heart away till you win his 
diamond back. Make a strong point of never kicking up your 
rumpus over the scroll end of sofas in the Dar Bey Coll Cafeteria 
by tootling risky apropos songs at commercial travellers' smokers 
for their Columbian nights entertainments the like of White limbs 
they never stop teasing or Minxy was a Manxmaid when Murry 
WOT a Man, And, by the bun, is it you goes bisbuiting His Esaus 
and Cos and then throws them bag in the box.'^ Why the tin's 
nearly empty. First thou shalt not smile. Twice thou shalt not 
love. Lust, thou shalt not commix idolatry. Hip confiners help 
compunction. Never park your brief stays in the men's con- 
venience. Never clean your buttoncups with your dirty pair of 
sassers. Never ask his first person where's your quickest cut to 
our last place. Never let the promising hand usemake free of 
your oncemaid sacral. The soft side of the axe! A coil of cord, a 
colleen coy, a blush on a bush turned first man's laughter into 
wailful moither. O foolish cuppled! Ah, dice's error! Never dip 
in the ern while you've browsers on your suite. Never slip the 
silver key through your gate of golden age. Collide with man, 
collude with money. Ere you sail foreget my prize. Where you 
truss be circumspicious and look before you leak, dears. Never 
christen medlard apples till a swithin is in sight. Wet your thistle 
where a weed is and you'll rue it, despyneedis. Especially beware 

433 



please of being at a party to any demoralizing home life. That 
saps a chap. Keep cool faith in the firm, have warm hoep in the 
house and begin frem athome to be chary of charity. Where it 
is nobler in the main to supper than the boys and errors of out- 
rager's virtue. Give back those stolen kisses; restaure those all- 
cotten glooves. Recollect the yella perals that all too often beset 
green gerils, Rhidarhoda and Daradora, once they gethobby- 
horsical, playing breeches parts for Bessy Sudlow in flesh- 
coloured pantos instead of earthing down in the coalhole trying 
to boil the big gun's dinner. Leg-before- Wicked lags-behind- 
Wall where here Mr Whicker whacked a great fall. Femora- 
familla feeled it a candleliked but Hayes, Conyngham and Erobin- 
son sware it's an egg. Forglim mick aye! Stay, forestand and 
tillgive it! Remember the biter's bitters I shed the vigil I buried 
our Harlotte Quai from poor Mrs Mangain's of Britain Court on 
the feast of Marie Maudlin. Ah, who would wipe her weeper dr^ 
and lead her to the halter.'^ Sold in her heyday, laid in the straw, 
bought for one puny petunia. Moral: if you can't point a lily get 
to henna out of here ! Put your swell foot foremost on foulardy 
pneumonia shertwaists, irriconcilible with true fiminin risirvi- 
tion and ribbons of lace, limenick's disgrace. Sure, what is it on the 
whole only holes tied together, the merest and transparent washing- 
tones to make Languid Lola's lingery longer.^ Scenta Clauthes 
stiffstuffs your hose and heartsies full of temptiness. Vanity flee 
and Verity fear! Diobell! Whalebones and buskbutts may hurt 
you (thwackaway thwuck!) but never lay bare your breast sec- 
ret (dickette's place!) to joy a Jonas in the Dolphin's Barncar 
with your meetual fan, Doveyed Covetfilles, comepulsing payn- 
attention spasms between the averthisment for Ulikah's wine and 
a pair of pulldoors of the old cupiosity shape. There you'll fix 
your eyes darkled on the autocart of the bringfast cable but here 
till youre martimorphysed please sit still face to face. For if the 
shorth of your skorth falls down to his knees pray how wrong 
will he look till he rises? Not before Gravesend is commuted. But 
now reappears Autist Algy, the pulcherman and would-do per- 
former, oleas Mr Smuth, stated by the vice crusaders to be well 

434 



i 



known to all the dallytaunties in and near the ciudad of Buellas 
Arias, taking you to the playguehouse to see the Smirching of 
Venus and asking with whispered offers in a very low bearded 
voice, with a nice little tiny manner and in a very nice little tony 
way, won't you be an artist's moral and pose in your nudies as a 
local esthetic before voluble old masters, introducing you, left 
to right the party comprises, to hogarths like Bottisilly and 
Titteretto and Vergognese and Coraggio with their extrahand 
Mazzaccio, plus the usual bilker's dozen of dowdycameramen. 
And the volses of lewd Buylan, for innocence ! And the phylli- 
sophies of Bussup Bulkeley. O, the frecklessness of the giddies 
nouveautays! There's many's the icepolled globetopper is haunt- 
ed by the hottest spot under his equator like Ramrod, the meaty 
hunter, always jaeger for a thrust. The back beautiful, the un- 
draped divine! And Suzy's Moedl's with their Blue Danuboyes! 
All blah! Viper's vapid vilest! Put off the old man at the very 
font and get right on with the nutty sparker round the back. 
Slip your oval out of touch and let the paravis be your goal. 
Up leather. Prunella, convert your try! Stick wicks in your ear- 
shells when you hear the prompter's voice. Look on a boa in 
his beauty and you'll never more wear your strawberry leaves. 
Rely on the relic. What bondman ever you bind on earth I'll be 
bound 'twas combined in hemel. Keep airly hores and the worm 
is yores. Dress the pussy for her nighty and follow her piggy- 
tails up their way to Winkyland. See little poupeep she's firsht 
ashleep. After having sat your poetries and you know what 
happens when chine throws over jupan. Go to doss with 
the poulterer, you understand, and shake up with the milch- 
mand. The Sully van vultures are on the prowl. And the 
hailies fingringmaries. Tobaccos tabu and toboggan's a back 
seat. Secret satieties and onanymous letters make the great un- 
watched as bad as their betters. Don't on any account acquire 
a paunchon for that alltoocommon fagbutt habit of frequenting 
and chumming together with the braces of couples in Mr Tun- 
nelly's hallways (smash it) wriggling with lowcusses and cock- 
chafers and vamps and rodants, with the end to commit acts of 

435 



interstipital indecency as between twineties and tapegarters. 
fingerpats on fondlepets, under the couvrefeu act. It's the thin 
end; wedge your steps ! Your high powered hefty hoyden thinks 
nothing of ramping through a whole suite of smokeless hus- 
bands. Three minutes Fm counting you. Woooooon. No triching 
now! Give me that when I tell you! Raga^a ladra! And is that 
any place to be smuggling his madam's apples up.'^ Deceitful 
jade. Gee wedge! Begor, I like the way they're half cooked. 
Hold, flay, grill, fire that laney feeling for kosenkissing disgeni- 
cally within the proscribed limits like Population Peg on a hint or 
twim clandestinely does be doing to Temptation Tom, atkings 
questions in barely and snakking svarewords like a nursemagd. 
While there's men-a'war on the say there'll be loves-o'women 
on the do. Love through the usual channels, cisternbrothelly, 
when properly disinfected and taken neat in the generable way 
upon retiring to roost in the company of a husband-in-law or 
other respectable relative of an apposite sex, not love that leads 
by the nose as I foresmellt but canalised love, you understand, 
does a felon good, suspiciously if he has a slugger's liver but I 
cannot belabour the point too ardently (and after the lessions of 
experience I speak from inspiration) that fetid spirits is the thief 
of prurities, so none of your twenty rod cherrywhisks, me 
daughter! At the Cat and Coney or the Spotted Dog. And at 
2bis Lot's Road. When parties get tight for each other they lose 
all respect together. By the stench of her fizzle and the glib of her 
gab know the drunken draggletail Dublin drab. You'll pay for 
each bally sorraday night every billing sumday morning. When 
the night is in May and the moon shines might. We won't meeth 
in Navan till you try to give the Kellsfrieclub the goby. Hill or 
hollow, Hull or Hague ! And beware how you dare of wet cock- 
tails in Kildare or the same may see your wedding driving home 
from your wake. Mades of ashens when you flirt spoil the lad 
but spare his shirt! Lay your lilylike long his shoulder but buck 
back if he buts bolder and just hep your homely hop and heed 
no horning but if you've got some brainy notion to raise cancan 
and rouse commotion I'll be apt to flail that tail for you till it's 

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horning. Let the love ladleliked at the eye girde your gastricks 
in the gym. Nor must you omit to screw the lid firmly on that 
jazz jiggery and kick starts. Bumping races on the flat and point 
to point over obstacles. Ride wheeling that acclivisciously up 
windy Rutland Rise and insighting rebellious northers before the 
saunter of the city of Dunlob. Then breretonbiking on the free 
with your airs of go-be-dee and your heels upon the handlebars. 
Berrboel brazenness ! No, before your corselage rib is decartilaged, 
that is to mean if you have visceral ptossis, my point is, making 
allowances for the fads of your weak abdominal wall and your 
liver asprewl, vinvin, vinvin, or should you feel, in shorts, as 
though you needed healthy physicking exorcise to flush your 
kidneys, you understand, and move that twelffinger bowel and 
threadworm inhibitating it, lassy, and perspire freely, lict your 
lector in the lobby and why out you go by the ostiary on to 
the dirt track and skip ! Be a sportive. Deal with Nature the great 
greengrocer and pay regularly the monthlies. Your Punt's Per- 
fume's only in the hatpinny shop beside the reek of the rawny. 
It's more important than air — I mean than eats — air (Oop, I 
never open momouth but I pack mefood in it) and promotes that 
natural emotion. Stamp out bad eggs. Why so many puddings 
prove disappointing, as Dietician says, in Creature Comforts 
Causeries, and why so much soup is so muck slop. If we 
could fatten on the elizabeetons we wouldn't have teeth like 
the hippopotamians. However. Likewise if I were in your 
envelope shirt I'd keep my weathereye well cocked open for 
your furnished lodgers paying for their feed on tally with 
company and piano tunes. Only stuprifying yourself! The too 
friendly friend sort, Mazourikawitch or some other sukinsin of 
a vitch, who he's kommen from olt Pannonia on this porpoise 
whom sue stooderin about the maul and femurl artickles and who 
mix himself so at home mid the musik and spanks the ivory 
that lovely for this your Mistro Melosiosus MacShine MacShane 
may soon prove your undoing and bane through the succeeding 
years of rain should you, whilst Jaun is from home, get used to 
basking in his loverslowlap, inordinately clad, moustacheteasing, 

437 



when closehended together behind locked doors, kissing steadily, 
(malbongusta, it's not the thing you know!) with the calfloving 
selfseeker, under the influence of woman, inching up to you, dis- 
arranging your modesties and fumbling with his forte paws in your 
bodice after your billy doos twy as a first go oif (take care, would 
you stray and split on me!) and going on doing his idiot every 
time you gave him his chance to get thick and play pigglywiggly, 
making much of you, bilgetalking like a ditherer, gougouzoug, 
about your glad neck and the round globe and the white milk and 
the red raspberries (O horrifier !) and prying down furthermore to 
chance his lucky arm with his pregnant questions up to our past 
lives. What has that caught to sing with him? The next fling 
you'll be squitting on the Tubber Nakel, pouring pitchers to the 
well for old Gloatsdane's glorification and the postequities of 
the Black Watch, peeping private from the Bush and Rangers. 
And our local busybody, talker-go-bragk. Worse again! Ofl" of 
that praying fan on to them priars ! It would be a whorable state 
of affairs altogether for the redcolumnists of presswritten epics, 
Peter Paragraph and Paulus Puff, (Fm keepsoaking them to cover 
my concerts) to get ahold of for their balloons and shoot you 
private by surprise, considering the marriage slump that's on this 
oil age and pulexes three shillings a pint and wives at six and 
seven when domestic calamities belame par and newlaids bellow 
mar for the twenty twotoosent time thwealthy took thousands 
in the slack march of civilisation were you, becoming guilty of 
unleckylike intoxication to have and to hold, to pig and to pay 
direct connection, qua intervener, with a prominent married mem- 
ber of the vicereeking squad and, in consequence of the therein- 
under subpenas, be flummoxed to the second degree by becoming a 
detestificated companykeeper on the dammymonde of Luca- 
lamplight. Anything but that, for the fear and love of gold ! Once 
and for all, I'll have no college swankies (you see, I am well 
voiced in love's arsenal and all its overtures from collion boys 
to colleen bawns so I have every reason to know that rogues' 
gallery of nightbirds and bitchfanciers, lucky duffs and light 
lindsays, haughty hamiltons and gay gordons, dosed, doctored 

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and otherwise, messing around skirts and what their fickling in- 
tentions look like, you make up your mind to that) trespassing 
on your danger zone in the dancer years. If ever I catch you at it, 
mind, it's you that will cocottch it! Til tackle you to feel if you 
have a few devils in you. Holy gun, I'll give it to you, hot, high 
and heavy before you can say sedro! Or may the maledictions 
of Lousyfear fall like nettlerash on the white friar's father that 
converted from moonshine the fostermother of the first nancy- 
free that ran off after the trumpadour that mangled Moore's melo- 
dies and so upturned the tubshead of the stardaft journal writer 
to inspire the prime finisher to fellhim the firtree out of which 
Cooper Funnymore planed the flat of the beerbarrel on which 
my grandydad's lustiest sat his seat of unwisdom with my tante's 
petted sister for the cause of his joy! Amene. 

Poof! There's puff for ye, begor, and planxty of it, all abound 
me breadth! Glor galore and glory be! As broad as its lung and 
as long as a line ! The valiantine vaux of Venerable Val Vous- 
dem. If my jaws must brass away like the due drops on my lay. 
And the topnoted delivery you'd expected be me invoice! Theo 
Dunnohoo's warning from Daddy O'Dowd. Whoo.^ What I'm 
wondering to myselfwhose for there's a strong tendency, to put 
it mildly, by making me the medium. I feel spirts of itchery out- 
ching out from all over me and only for the sludgehummer's 
force in my hand to hold them the darkens alone knows what' 11 
who'll be saying of next. However. Now, before my upperotic 
rogister, something nice. Now.^ Dear Sister, in perfect leave again I 
say take a brokerly advice and keep it to yourself that we, Jaun, first 
of our name here now make all receptacles of, free of price. Easy, 
my dear, if they tingle you either say nothing or nod. No cheeka- 
cheek with chipperchapper, you and your last mashboy and the 
padre in the pulpbox enumerating you his nostrums. Be vacillant 
over those vigilant who would leave you to belave black on white. 
Close in for psychical hijiniks as well but fight shy of mugpunters. 
I'd burn the books that grieve you and light an allassundrian bom- 
pyre that would suffragate Tome Plyfire or Zolfanerole. Perousse 
instate your Weekly Standerd^ our verile organ that is ethelred by all ^'^ 

439 



pressdom. Apply your five wits to the four verilatest. The Arsdi- 
ken's An Traitey on Miracula or Viewed to Death hy a Priest 
Hunter is still first in the field despite the castle bar, William 
Archer's a rompan good cathalogue and he'll give you a riser on 
the route to our nazional labronry. Skim over Through Hell 
with the Papes (mostly boys) by the divine comic Denti Alligator 
(exsponging your index) and find a quip in a quire arisus aream 
from bastardtitle to father) ohnson. Swear aloud by pious fiction 
the like of Lentil Lore by Carnival Cullen or that Percy Wynns 
of our S. J. Finn's or Pease in Plenty by the Curer of Wars, 
licensed and censered by our most picturesque prelates. Their 
Graces of Linzen and Petitbois, bishops of Hibernites, licet ut 
lebanusj for expansion on the promises, the two best sells on the 
market this luckiest year, set up by Gill the father, put out by Gill 
the son and circulating disimally at Gillydehooly's Cost. Strike up 
a nodding acquaintance for our doctrine with the works of old 
Mrs Trot, senior, and Manoel Canter, junior, and Loper de Figas, 
nates maximum. I used to follow Mary Liddlelambe's flitsy tales, 
espicially with the scentaminted sauce. Sifted science will do your 
arts good. Egg Laid by Former Cock and With Flageolettes in Send 
Fanciesland, Chiefly girls. Trip over sacramental tea into the long 
lives of our saints and saucerdotes, with vignettes, cut short into 
instructual primers by those in authority for the bittermint of your 
soughts. Forfet not the palsied. Light a match for poor old 
Contrabally and send some balmoil for the schizmatics. A hemd 
in need is aye a friendly deed. Remember, maid, thou dust art 
powder but Cinderella thou must return (what are you robbing 
her sleeve for, Ruby.^ And pull in your tongue, Polly!). Cog that 
out of your teen times, everyone. The lad who brooks no 
breaches lifts the lass that toffs a tailor. How dare ye be laughing 
out of your mouthshine at the lack of that.^ Keep cool your fresh 
chastity which is far better far. Sooner than part with that vesta- 
lite emerald of the first importance, descended to me by far from 
our family, which you treasure up so closely where extremes 
meet, nay, mozzed lesmended, rather let the whole ekumene 
universe belong to merry Hal and do whatever his Mary well 

440 



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likes. When the gong goes for hornets-two-nest marriage step 
into your harness and strip off that nullity suit. Faminy, hold 
back! For the race is to the rashest of, the romping, jomping 
rushes of. Haul Seton's down, black, green and grey, and hoist 
Mikealy's whey and sawdust. What's overdressed if underclothed.'^ 
Poposht forstake me knot where there's white lets ope. Whisht! 
Blesht she that walked with good Jook Humprey for he made 
her happytight. Go! You can down all the dripping you can 
dumple to, and buffkid scouse too ad libidinum, in these lassi- 
tudes if you've parents and things to look after. That was what 
stuck to the Comtesse Cantilene while she was sticking out Mavis 
Toffeelips to feed her soprannated huspals, and it is henceforth 
associated with her names. La Dreeping! Die Droopink! The v-^ ' ^" '^^ 
inimitable in puresuet of the inevitable! There's nothing to touch 
it, we are taucht, unless she'd care for a mouthpull of white pud- 
ding for the wish is on her rose marine and the lunchlight in her 
eye, so when you pet the rollingpin write my name on the pie. 
Guard that gem. Sissy, rich and rare, ses he. In this cold old 
worold who'll feel it? Hum! The jewel you're all so cracked 
about there's flitty few of them gets it for there's nothing now 
but the sable stoles and a runabout to match it. Sing him a ring. 
Touch me low. And I'll lech ye so, my soandso. Show and show. 
Show on show. She. Shoe. Shone. 

Divulge, sjuddenly jouted out hardworking Jaun, kicking 
the console to his double and braying aloud like Brahaam's ass, 9t^/^^^r^^ 
and, as his voixehumanar swelled to great, clenching his manlies, 
so highly strong was he, man, and gradually quite warming to 
her (there must have been a power of kinantics in that buel 
of gruel he gobed at bedgo) divorce into me and say the cur- 
name in undress (if you get into trouble with a party you are 
not likely to forget his appearance either) of any lapwhelp or 
sleevemongrel who talks to you upon the road where he tuck 
you to be a roller, O, (the goattanned saxopeeler upshotdown 
chigs peel of him!) and volunteers to trifle with your round- 
lings for profferred glass and dough, the marrying hand that 
his leisure repents of, without taking out his proper password 

441 



from the eligible ministriss for affairs with the black fremdling, 
that enemy of our country, in a cleanlooking light and I don't 
care a tongser's tammany hang who the mucky is nor twoo 
hoots in the corner nor three shouts on a hill (were he even 
a constantineal namesuch of my very own, Attaboy Knowling, 
and like enoch to my townmajor ancestors, the two that are 
taking out their divorces in the Spooksbury courts circuits, 
Rere Uncle Remus, the Baas of Eboracum and Old Father 
Ulissabon Knickerbocker, the lanky sire of Wolverhampton, 
about their bristelings), but as true as there's a soke for sakes in 
Twoways Peterborough and sure as home we come to newsky 
prospect from west the wave on schedule time (if I came any 
quicker I'll be right back before I left) from the land of breach 
of promise with Brendan's mantle whitening the Kerribrasilian 
sea and March's pebbles spinning from beneath our footslips to 
carry fire and sword, rest insured that as we value the very name 
in sister that as soon as we do possibly it will be a poor lookout 
for that insister. He's a markt man from that hour. And why do 
we say that, you may query me? Quary? Guess! Call'st thou? 
Think and think and think, I urge on you. Muffed! The wrong 
porridge. You are an ignoratis! Because then probably we'll 
dumb well soon show him what the Shaun way is like how we'll 
go a long way towards breaking his outsider's face for him for 
making up to you with his bringthee balm of Gaylad and his 
singthee songs of Arupee, chancetrying my ward's head into 
sanctuary before feeling with his two dimensions for your nup- 
tial dito. Ohibow, if I was Blonderboss I'd gooandfrighthisdual- 
man! Now, we'll tell you what we'll do to be sicker instead of 
compensation. We'll he'll burst our his mouth like Leary to the 
Leinsterface and reduce he'll we'll ournhisn liniments to a 
poolp. Open the door softly, somebody wants you, dear! You'll 
hear him calling you, bump, like a blizz, in the muezzin of the 
turkest night. Come on now, pillarbox! I'll stiffen your scribeall, 
broken reed! That'll be it, grand operoar style, even should I, 
with my sleuts of hogpew and cheekas, have to coomb the brash 
of the libs round Close Saint Patrice to lay my louseboob on his 

442 



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behaitch like solitar. We are all eyes. I have his quoram of 
images all on my retinue, Mohomadhawn Mike. Brassup ! More- 
over after that, bad manners to me, if I don't think strongly about 
giving the brotherkeeper into custody to the first police bubby 
cunstabless of Dora's Diehards in the field I might chance to pwuM>= 
follopon. Or for that matter, for your information, if I get the 
wind up what do you bet in the buckets of my wrath I mightn't 
even take it into my progromme, as sweet course, to do a rash act 
and pitch in and swing for your perfect stranger in the meadow 
of heppiness and then wipe the street up with the clonmellian, 
pending my bringing proceedings verses the joyboy before a 
bunch of magistrafes and twelve good and gleeful men? Filius 
nullius per fas et nefas. It should prove more or less of an event 
and show the widest federal in my cup. He'll have pansements 
then for his pensamientos, howling for peace. Pretty knocks, I 
promise him with plenty burkes for his shins. Dumnlimn wimn 
humn. In which case I'll not be complete in fighting lust until I 
contrive to half kill your Charley you're my darling for you and 
send him to Home Surgeon Hume, the algebrist, before his ap- 
pointed time, particularly should he turn out to be a man in brown 
about town, Rollo the Gunger, son of a wants a flurewaltzer to 
Arnolff's, picking up ideas, of well over or about fiftysix or so, 
pithecoid proportions, with perhops five foot eight, the usual 
X Y Z type, R.C. Toe H, nothing but claret, not in the studbook 
by a long stortch, with a toothbrush moustache and jawcrockeries, 
alias grinner through collar, and of course no beard, meat and 
colmans suit, with tar's baggy slacks, obviously too roomy for 
him and springside boots, washing tie, Father Mathew's bridge 
pin, sipping some Wheatley's at Rhoss's on a barstool, with some 
pubpal of the Olaf Stout kidney, always trying to poorchase mov- 
ables by hebdomedaries for to putt in a new house to loot, cigarette 
in his holder, with a good job and pension in Buinness's, what 
about our trip to Normandy style conversation, with an oc- 
casional they say that filmacoulored featured at the Mothrapurl 
skrene about Michan and his lost angeleens is corkyshows do 
morvaloos, blueygreen eyes a bit scummy developing a series of 

443 



angry boils with certain references to the Deity, seeking relief 
in alcohol and so on, general omnibus character with a dash of 
railwaybrain, stale cough and an occasional twinge of claudication, 
having his favourite fecundclass family of upwards of a decade, 
both barefoot and loadenbrogued, to boot and buy off, Imean. 

So let it be a knuckle or an elbow, I hereby admonish you! 
It may all be topping fun but it's tip and run and touch and flow 
for every whack when Marie stopes Phil fluther's game to go. 
Arms arome, side aside, face into the wall. To the tumble of the 
toss tot the trouble of the swaddled, O. And lest there be no 
misconception. Miss Forstowelsy, over who to fasten the plight- 
forlifer on (threehundred and thirty three to one on Rue the 
Day!) when the nice litde smellar squalls in his crydle what the 
dirty old bigger*ll be squealing through his coughin you better 
keep in the gunbarrel straight around vokseburst as I recommence 
you to (you gypseyeyed baggage, do you hear what Tm praying.'^) 
or, Gash, without butthering my head to assortail whose stroke 
forced or which struck backly, Pll be all over you myselx hori- 
zontally, as the straphanger said, for knocking me with my name 
and yourself and your babybag down at such a greet sacrifice with 
a rap of the gavel to a third price cowhandler as cheap as the nig- 
gerd's dirt (for sale !) or Fll smack your fruitflavoured jujube lips 
well for you, so I will well for you, if you don't keep a civil tongue 
in your pigeonhouse. The pleasures of love lasts but a fleeting but 
the pledges of life outlusts a lieftime. I'll have it in for you. Til 
teach you bed minners, tip for tap, to be playing your oddaugghter 
tangotricks with micky dazzlers if I find corsehairs on your 
river-frock and the squirmside of your burberry lupitally covered 
with chiflchafl* and shavings. Up Rosemiry Lean and Potanasty 
Rod you wos, wos you.'^ I overstand you, you understand. Ask- 
ing Annybettyelsas to carry your parcels and you dreaming of 
net glory. You'll ging naemaer wi'Wolf the Ganger. Cutting 
chapel, were you? and had dates with slickers in particular 
hotels, had we? Lonely went to play your mother, isod? You was 
wiflriends? Hay, dot's a doll yarn! Mark mean then! I'll homeseek 
you, Luperca as sure as there's a palatine in Limerick and in 

444 




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4 

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1 

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striped conference here's how. Nerbu de Bios ! If you twos goes 
to walk upon the railway, Gard, and I'll goad to beat behind the 
bush! See to it! Snip! It's up to you. I'll be hatsnatching harrier 

to hiding huries hinder hedge. Snap ! I'll tear up your limpshades 
and lock all your trotters in the closet, I will, and cut your silk- 
skin into garters. You'll give up your ask unbrodhel ways when 
I make you reely smart. So skelp your budd and kiss the hurt! 
ril have plenary sadisfaction, plays the bishop, for your partial's 
indulgences if your my rodeo gell. Fair man and foul suggestion. 
There's a lot of lecit pleasure coming bangslanging your way. 
Miss Pinpernelly satin. For your own good, you understand, for 
the man who lifts his pud to a woman is saving the way for 
kindness. You'll rebmemer your mottob Aveh Tiger Roma 
mikely smarter the nickst time. For I'll just draw my prancer 
and give you one splitpuck in the crupper, you understand, that 
will bring the poppy blush of shame to your peony hindmost till 
you yelp papapardon and radden your rhodatantarums to the 
beat of calorrubordolor, I am, I do and I suffer, (do you hear me 
now, lickspoon, and stop looking at your bussycat bow in the 
slate.'^) that you won't obliterate for the bulkier part of a running 
year, failing to give a good account of yourself, if you think I'm 
so tan cupid as all that. Lights out now (bouf !), tight and sleep 
on it. And that's how I'll bottle your greedypuss beautibus for 
ye, me bullin heifer, for 'tis I that have the peer of arrams that 
carry a wallop. Between them. 

Unbeknownst to you would ire turn o'er see, a nuncio would 
I return here. How (from the sublime to the ridiculous) times 
out of oft, my future, shall we think with deepest of love and 
recollection by rintrospection of thee but me far away on the 
pillow, breathing foundly o'er my names all through the empties, 
whilst moidhered by the rattle of the doppeldoorknockers. Our 
homerole poet to Ostelinda, Fred Wetherly, puts it some whys 
better. You're sitting on me style, maybe, whereoft I helped 
your ore. Littlegame rumilie from Liffalidebankum, (Toobli- 
queme!) but a big corner fill you do in this unadulterated seat of 
our affections. Aerwenger's my breed so may we uncreepingly 

445 



multipede like the sands on Amberhann ! Sevenheavens, O heaven! 
ly waount yiou! yore ways to melittleme were wonderful so 
Ickam purseproud in sending uym loveliest pansiful thoughts 
touching me dash in-you through wee dots Hyphen, the so 
pretty arched godkin of beddingnights. If Fve proved to your 
sallysfashion how Fm a man of Armor let me so, let me sue, let 
me see your isabellis. How I shall, should I survive, as, please the 
uniter of U.M.I. hearts, I am living in hopes to do, replacing 
mig wandering handsup in yawers so yeager for mitch, positively 
cover the two pure chicks of your comely plumpchake with 
zuccherikissings, hong, kong, and so gong, that Fd scare the bats 
out of the ivfry one of those puggy mornings, honestly, by my 
rantandog and daddyoak I will, become come coming when, 
upon the mingling of our meeting waters, wish to wisher, like 
massive mountains to part no more, you will there and then, in 
those happy moments of ouryour soft accord, rainkiss on me 
back, for full marks with shouldered arms, and in that united 
LR.U. stade, when I come (touf! touf!) wildflier*s fox into my 
own greengeese again, swap sweetened smugs, six of one for half 
a dozen of the other, till they'll bet we're the cuckoo derby 
when cherries next come back to Ealing as come they must, as 
they musted in their past, as they must for my pressing season, 
as hereinafter must they chirrywill immediately suant on my 
safe return to ignorance and bliss in my horseless Coppal Poor, 
through suirland and noreland, kings country and queens, with 
my ropes of pearls for gamey girls the way ye'll hardly. Knowme. 

Slim ye, come slum with me and rally rats' roundup! 'Tis 
post purification we will, sales of work and social service, 
missus, completing our Abelite union by the adoptation of 
fosterlings. Embark for Euphonia! Up Murphy, Henson and 
O'Dwyer, the Warchester Warders! Fll put in a shirt time 
if you'll get through your shift and between us in our shared 
slaves, brace to brassiere and shouter to shunter, we'll pull off our 
working programme. Come into the garden guild and be free 
of the gape athome! We'll circumcivicise all Dublin country. 
Let us, the real Us, all ignite in our prepurgatory grade as apos- 

446 



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cals and be instrumental to utensilise, help our Jakeline sisters 
clean out the hogshole and generally ginger things up. Meliorism 
in massquan titles, raffling receipts and sharing sweepstakes till 
navel, spokes and felloes hum like hymn. Burn only what's Irish, 
accepting their coals. You will soothe the cokeblack bile that's 
Anglia's and touch Armourican*s iron core. Write me your 
essayes, my vocational scholars, but corsorily, dipping your 
nose in it, for Henrietta's sake, on mortinatality in the life of 
jewries and the sludge of King Haarington's at its height, running 
boulevards over the whole of it. I'd write it all by mownself if 
I only had here of my jolly young watermen. Bear in mind, by 
Michael, all the provincial's bananas peels and elacock eggs mak- 
ing drawadust jubilee along Henry, Moore, Earl and Talbot 
Streets. Luke at all the memmer manning he's dung for the pray 
of birds, our priest-mayor-king-merchant, strewing the Castle- 
knock Road and drawing manure upon it till the first glimpse of 
Wales and from Ballses Breach Harshoe up to Dumping's Corner 
with the Mirist fathers' brothers eleven versus White Friars out 
on a rogation stag party. Compare them caponchin trowlers 
with the Bridge of Belches in Fairview, noreast Dublin's favourite 
souwest wateringplatz and ump as you lump it. What do you 
mean by Jno Citizen and how do you think of Jas Pagan 
Compost liffe in Dufblin by Pierce Egan with the baugh in 
Baughkley of Fino Ralli. Explain why there is such a number 
of orders of religion in Asea! Why such an order number in 
preference to any other number.^ Why any number in any order 
at all.'^ Now.'^ Where is the greenest island off the black coats 
of Spaign.^ Overset into universal: I am perdrix and upon my 
pet ridge. Oralmus! Way, O way for the autointaxication of 
our town of the Fords in a huddle! Hailfellow some wellmet 
boneshaker or, to ascertain the facts for herself, run up your 
showeryweather once and trust and take the Drumgondola tram 
and, wearing the midlimb and vestee endorsed by the hierarchy 
fitted with ecclastics, bending your steps, pick a trail and stand 
on, say, Aston's, I advise you strongly, along quaith a copy of 
the Seeds and Weeds Act when you have procured one for your- 

447 



self and take a good longing gaze into any nearby shopswindow 
you may select at suppose, let us say, the hoyth of number 
eleven, Kane or Keogh's, and in the course of about thirtytwo 
minutes* time proceed to turn aroundabout on your heehills to- 
wards the previous causeway and I shall be very cruelly mis- 
taken indeed if you will not be jushed astunshed to see how you 
will be meanwhile durn weel topcoated with kakes of slush 
occasioned by the mush jam of the cross and blackwalls traffic 
in transit. See Capels and then fly. Show me that complaint book 
here. Where's Cowtends Kateclean, the woman with the muckrake.'* 
When will the W.D. face of our sow muckloved d'lin, the Troia 
of towns and Carmen of cities, crawling with mendiants in per- 
forated clothing, get its wellbelavered white like Tpool and 
m'chester.^ When's that grandnational goldcapped dupsydurby 
houspill coming with its vomitives for our mothers-in-load and 
stretchers for their devitalised males.'* I am all of me for freedom 
of speed but who'll disasperaguss Pope's Avegnue or who'll 
uproose the Opian Way.'* Who'll brighton Brayhowth and bait 
the Bull Bailey and never despair of Lorcansby.'* The rampant 
royal commissioners ! 'Tis an ill weed blows no poppy good. And 
this labour's worthy of my higher. Oil for meed and toil for feed 
and a walk with the band for Job Loos. If I hope not charity what 
profiteers me.^ Nothing! My tippers of flags are knobs of hard- 
shape for it isagrim tale, keeping the father of curls from the 
sport of oak. Do you know what, liddle giddles.'* One of those 
days I am advised by the smiling voteseeker who's now snoring 
elued to positively strike off" hiking for good and all as I bldy 
well bdly ought until such temse as some mood is made under 
privy-sealed orders to get me an increase of automoboil and foot- 
wear for these poor discalced and a bourse from bon Somewind for 
a cure at Badanuweir (though where it's going to come from this 
time — ) as I sartunly think now, honest to John, for an income 
plexus that that's about the sanguine boundary limit. Amean. 

Sis dearest, Jaun added, with voise somewhit murky, what 
though still high fa luting, as he turned his dorse to her to pay 
court to it, and ouverleaved his booseys to give the note and 

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score, phonoscopically incuriosited and melancholic this time 
whiles, as on the fulmament he gaped in wulderment, his on- 
saturncast eyes in stellar attraction followed swift to an imagin- 
ary swellaw, O, the vanity of Vanissy! All ends vanishing! Pur- 
sonally, Grog help me, I am in no violent hurry. If time enough 
lost the ducks walking easy found them. I'll nose a blue fonx 
with any tristys blinking upon this earthlight of all them that 
pass by the way of the deerdrive, conconey's run or wilfrid's 
walk, but Fd turn back as lief as not if I could only spoonfind 
the nippy girl of my heart's appointment^ Mona Vera Toutou 
Ipostila, my lady of Lyons, to guide me by gastronomy under 
her safe conduct. That's more in my line. I'd ask no kinder of 
fates than to stay where I am, with my tinny of brownie's tea, 
under the invocation of Saint Jamas Hanway, servant of Gamp, 
lapidated, and Jacobus a Pershawm, intercissous, for my thuri- 
fex, with Peter Roche^ that frind of my boozum, leaning on my 
cubits, at this passing moment by localoption in the birds' lodg- 
ing, me pheasants among, where I'll dreamt that I'll dwealth mid 
warblers' walls when throstles and choughs to my sigh hiehied, 
with me hares standing up well and me longlugs dittoes, where 
a maurdering row, the fox! has broken at the coward sight till 
well on into the beausome of the exhaling night, pinching stop- 
andgo jewels out of the hedges and catching dimtop brilliants 
on the tip of my wagger but for that owledclock (fast cease to it !) 
has just gone twoohoo the hour and that yen breezes zipping 
round by Drumsally do be devils to play fleurt. I could sit on safe 
side till the bark of Saint Grouseus for hoopoe's hours, till heoU's 
hoerrisings, laughing lazy at the sheep's lightning and turn a wida- 
most ear dreamily to the drummling of snipers, hearing the wire- 
less harps of sweet old Aerial and the mails across the nightrives 
(peepet! peepet!) and whippoor willy in the woody (moor park! 
moor park!) as peacefed as a philopotamus, and crekking jugs 
at the grenoulls, leaving tealeaves for the trout and belleeks for the 
wary till I'd followed through my upfielded neviewscope the 
rugaby moon cumuliously godrolling himself westasleep amuckst 
the cloudscrums for to watch how carefully my nocturnal goose- 

449 



mother would lay her new golden sheegg for me down under in 
the shy orient. What wouldn't I poach — the rent in my river- 
side, my otther shoes, my beavery, honest I — ay, and melt my 
belt for a dace feast of grannom with the finny ones, those happy 
greppies in their minnowahaw, flashing down the swansway, 
leaps ahead of the swift MacEels, the big Gillaroo redfellows 
and the pursewinded carpers, rearin antis rood perches astench 
of me, or, when Td like own company best, with the help of a 
norange and bear, to be reclined by the lasher on my logansome, 
my g.b.d. in my f.a.c.e., solfanelly in my shellyholders and lov'd 
latakia, the benuvolent, for my nosethrills, with the jealosomines 
wilting away to their heart's deelight and the king of saptimber 
letting down his humely odours for my consternation, dapping 
my griffeen, burning water in the spearlight or catching trophies 
of the king's royal college of sturgeone by the armful for to bake 
pike and pie while, O twined me abower in L'Alouette's Tower, 
all Adelaide's naughtingerls juckjucking benighth me, I'd ga- 
mut my twittynice Dorian blackbudds chthonic solphia off my 
singasongapiccolo to pipe musicall airs on numberous fairy- 
aciodes. I give, a king, to me, she does, alone, up there, yes see, 
I double give, till the spinney all eclosed asong with them. Isn't 
that lovely though.'^ I give to me alone I trouble give! I may have 
no mind to lamagnage the forte bits like the pianage but you 
can't cadge me off the key. I've a voicical lilt too true. Nomario ! 
And bemoUy and jiesis ! For I sport a whatyoumacormack in the 
latcher part of my throughers. And the lark that I let fly (olala!) 
is as cockful of funantics as it's tune to my fork. Naturale you 
might lower register me as diserecordant, but I'm athlone in the 
lillabilling of killarnies. That's flat. Yet ware the wold, you! 
What's good for the gorse is a goad for the garden. Lethals lurk 
heimlocked in logans. Loathe laburnums. Dash the gaudy death- 
cup! Bryony O'Bryony, thy name is Belladama! But enough of 
greenwood's gossip. Birdsnests is birdsnests. Thine to wait but 
mine to wage. And now play sharp to me. Doublefirst I'll head 
foremost through all my examhoops. And what sensitive coin 
I'd be possessed of at Latouche's, begor, I'd sink it sumtotal, every 

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dolly farting, in vestments of subdominal poteen at prime cost 
and I bait you my chancey oldcoat against the whole ounce you 
half on your backboard (if madamaud strips mesdamines may 
cold strafe illglandsl) that I'm the gogetter that'd make it pay like 
cash registers as sure as there's a pot on a pole. And, what with one 
man's fish and a dozen men's poissons, sowing my wild plums to 
reap ripe plentihorns mead, lashings of erbole and hydromel and 
bragget, I'd come out with my magic fluke in close time, fair, 
free and frolicky, zooming tophole on the mart as a factor. And 
I tell you the Bective's wouldn't hold me. By the unsleeping 
Solman Annadromus, ye god of little pescies, nothing would 
stop me for mony makes multimony like the brogues and the 
kishes. Not the Ulster Rifles and the Cork Milice and the Dublin 
Fusees and Connacht Rangers ensembled! I'd axe the channon 
and leip a lifFey and drink annyblack water that rann onme way. 
Yip! How's thats for scats, mine shatz, for a lovebird.^ To funk is 
only peternatural its daring feers divine. Beboldl Like Varian's 
balaying all behind me. And before you knew where you 
weren't, I stake my ignitial's divy, cash-and-cash-can-again, I'd 
be staggering humanity and loyally rolling you over, my sow- 
white sponse, in my tons of red clover, nighty nigh to the metro- 
nome, fiehigh and fiehigher and fiehighest of all. Holy petter and 
pal, I'd spoil you altogether, my sumptuous Sheila! Mumm all 
to do brut frull up fizz and unpop a few shortusians or shake a 
pale of sparkling ice, hear it swirl, happy girl ! Not a spot of my 
hide but you'd love to seek and scanagain ! There'd be no stand- 
ing me, I tell you. And, as gameboy as my pagan name K.C. is 
what it is, I'd never say let fly till we shot that blissup and 
swumped each other, manawife, into our sever nevers where I'd 
plant you, my Gizzygay, on the electric ottoman in the lap of 
lechery, simpringly stitchless with admiracion, among the most 
uxuriously furnished compartments, with sybarate chambers, just 
as I'd run my shoestring into near a million or so of them as a 
firstclass dealer and everything. Only for one thing that, how- 
over famiksed I would become, I'd be awful anxious, you under- 
stand, about shoepisser pluvious and in assideration of the terrible 

451 



luftsucks woabling around with the hedrolics in the coold amstop- 
here till the borting that would perish the Dane and his chapter 
of accidents to be atramental to the better half of my alltoolyrical 
health, not considering my capsflap, and that's the truth now out 
of the cackling bag for truly sure, for another thing, I never could 
tell the leest falsehood that would truthfully give sotisfiction. Fm 
not talking apple sauce eithou. Or up in my hat. I earnst. Schue! 

Sissibis dearest, as I was reading to myself not very long ago 
in Tennis Flonnels Mac Courther, his correspondance, besated 
upon my tripos, and just thinking like thauthor how long I'd like 
myself to be continued at Hothelizod, peeking into the focus and 
pecking at thumbnail reveries, pricking up ears to my phono on 
the ground and picking up airs from th'other over th'ether, 'tis 
tramsported with grief I am this night sublime, as you may see 
by my size and my brow that's all forehead, to go forth, frank 
and hoppy, to the tune the old plow tied off, from our nostorey 
house, upon this benedictine errand but it is historically the most 
glorious mission, secret or profund, through all the annals of our 
— as you so often term her — efferfreshpainted livy, in beautific 
repose, upon the silence of the dead, from pharoph the nextfirst 
down to ramescheckles the last bust thing. The Vico road goes 
round and round to meet where terms begin. Still onappealed 
to by the cycles and unappalled by the recoursers we feel all 
serene, never you fret, as regards our dutyful cask. Full of my 
breadth from pride I am (breezed be the healthy same!) for 'tis a 
grand thing (superb !) to be going to meet a king, not an e very- 
night king, nenni, by gannies, but the overking of Hither-on- 
Thither Erin himself, pardee, I'm saying. Before there was patch 
at all on Ireland there lived a lord at Lucan. We only wish 
everyone was as sure of anything in this watery world as we are 
of everything in the newlywet fellow that's bound to follow. I'll 
lay you a guinea for a hayseed now. Tell mother that. And tell 
her tell her old one. 'Twill amuse her. 

Well, to the figends of Annanmeses with the wholeabuelish 
business! For I declare to Jeshuam I'm beginning to get sunsick! 
I'm not half Norawain for nothing. The fine ice so temperate 

452 



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of our, alas, those times are not so far off as you might wish to 
be congealed. So now, Fll ask of you, let ye create no scenes in 
my poor primmafore's wake. I don't want yous to be billow- 
fighting your biddy moriarty duels, gobble gabble, over me till 
you spit stout, you understand, after soused mackerel, sniffling 
clambake to hering and impudent barney, braggart of blarney, 
nor you ugly lemoncholic gobs o'er the hobs in a sewing circle, 
stopping oddments in maids' costumes at sweeping reductions, 
wearing out your ohs by sitting around your ahs, making areek- 
eransy round where I last put it, with the painters in too, 
curse luck, with your rags up, exciting your mucuses, turning 
breakfarts into lost soupirs and salon thay nor you flabbies on 
your groaning chairs over Bollivar's troubles of a bluemoondag, 
steamin your damp ossicles, praying Holy Prohibition and Jaun 
Dyspeptist while Ole Clo goes through the wood with Shep 
togather, touting in the chesnut burrs for Goodboy Sommers 
and Mistral Blownowse hugs his kindlings when voiceyversy 
it's my gala bene fit, robbing leaves out of my taletold book. 
May my tunc fester if ever I see such a miry lot of maggalenes! 
Once upon a drunk and a fairly good drunk it was and the rest 
of your blatherumskite 1 Just a plain shays by the fire for absent- 
er Sh the Po and I'll make ye all an eastern hummingsphere of 
myself the moment that you name the way. Look in the slag 
scuttle and you'll see me sailspread over the singing, and what 
do ye want trippings for when you've Paris inspire your hat.^ 
Sussumcordials all round, let ye alloyiss and ominies, while I 
stray and let ye not be getting grief out of it, though blighted 
troth be all bereft, on my poor headsake, even should we forfeit 
our life. Lo, improving ages wait ye ! In the orchard of the bones. 
Some time very presently now when yon clouds are dissipated 
after their forty years shower, the odds are, we shall all be hooked 
and happy, communionistically, among the fieldnights eliceam, 
elite of the elect, in the land of lost of time. Johannisburg's a re- 
velation! Deck the diamants that never die! So cut out the lone- 
some stuff! Drink it up, ladies, please, as smart as you can lower 
it! Out with lent! Clap hands postilium! Fastintide is by. Your 

453 



sole and myopper must hereupon part company. So for e'er fare 
thee welt! Parting's fun. Take thou, the wringle's thine, love. 
This dime doth trost thee from mine alms. Goodbye, swisstart, 
goodbye! Haugh! Haugh! Sure, treasures, a letterman does be 
often thought reading ye between lines that do have no sense at 
all. I sign myself. With much leg. Inflexibly yours. Ann Posht 
the Shorn. To be continued. Huck! 

Something of a sidesplitting nature must have occurred to 
westminstrel Jaunathaun for a grand big blossy hearty stenor- 
ious laugh (even Drudge that lay doggo thought feathers fell) 
hopped out of his woolly's throat like a ball lifted over the 
head of a deep field, at the bare thought of how jolly they'd like 
to be trolling his whoop and all of them truetotypes in missam- 
men massness were just starting to spladher splodher with the 
jolly magorios, hicky hecky hock, huges huges huges, hughy 
hughy hughy, O Jaun, so jokable and so geepy, O, (Thou pure! 
Our virgin! Thou holy! Our health! Thou strong! Our victory! 
O salutary! Sustain our firm solitude, thou who thou well 
strokest! Hear, hairy ones! We have sued thee but late. Beauty 
parlous!) when suddenly (how like a woman!), swifter as mer- 
cury he wheels right round starnly on the Rizzies suddenly, with 
his gimlets blazing rather sternish (how black like thunder!), to 
see what's loose. So they stood still and wondered. Till first he 
sighed (and how ill soufered!) and they nearly cried (the salt of 
the earth!) after which he pondered and finally he replied: 

— There is some thing more. A word apparting and shall the 
heart's tone be silent. Engagements, I'll beseal you! Fare thee 
well, fairy well! All I can tell you is this, my sorellies. It's prayers 
in layers all the thumping time, begor, the young gloria's gang 
voices the old doxologers, in the suburrs of the heavenly gardens, 
once we shall have passed, after surceases, all serene through 
neck and necklike Derby and June to our snug eternal retribu- 
tion's reward (the scorchhouse). Shunt us! shunt us! shunt us! 
If you want to be felixed come and be parked. Sacred ease there! 
The seanad and pobbel queue's remainder. To it, to it! Seekit 
headup! No petty family squabbles Up There nor homemade 

454 



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hurricanes in our Cohortyard, no cupahurling nor apuckalips 
nor no puncheon jodelling nor no nothing. With the Byrns 
which is far better and eve for ever your idle be. You will hardly 
reconnoitre the old wife in the new bustle and the farmer shinner 
in his latterday paint. It's the fulldress Toussaint's wakeswalks 
experdition after a bail motion from the chamber of horrus. 
Saffron buns or sovran bonhams whichever you'r avider to like 
it and lump it, but give it a name. lereny allover irelands. And 
there's food for refection when the whole flock's at home. Hog- 
manny di'yegut.'^ Hogmanny di'yesmellygut.'' And hogmanny 
di'yesmellyspatterygut? You take Joe Hanny's tip for it! Post- 
martem is the goods. With Jollification a tight second. Toborrow \^ ( C 

and toburrow and tobarrow! That's our crass, hairy and ever- 
f^f/u.^f*grim life, till one finel howdiedow Bouncer Naster raps on the 
bell with a bone and his stinkers stank behind him with the 
sceptre and the hourglass. We may come, touch and go, from 
atoms and ifs but we're presurely destined to be odd's without 
ends. Here we moult in Moy Kain and flop on the seemy side, 
living sure of hardly a doorstep for a stopgap, with Whogoes- 
there and a live sandbag round the corner. But upmeyant, Pro- 
spector, you sprout all your abel and woof your wings dead 
certain however of neuthing whatever to aye forever while 
Hyam Hyam's in the chair. Ah, sure, pleasantries aside, in the tail 
of the cow what a humpty daum earth looks our miseryme here- 
today as compared beside the Hereweareagain Gaieties of the 
Afterpiece when the Royal Revolver of these real globoes lets 
regally fire of his mio colpo for the chrisman's pandemon to give 
over and the Harlequinade to begin properly SPQueaRking 
Mark Time's Finist Joke. Putting Allspace in a Notshall. 

Well, the slice and veg joint's well in its way, and so is a 
ribroast and jackknife as sporten dish, but home cooking every- 
time. Mountains good mustard and, with the helpings of ladies' 
lickfings and gentlemen's relish, I've eaten a griddle. But I fill 
twice as stewhard what I felt before when I'm after eating a few 
natives. The crisp of the crackling is in the chawing. Give us an- 
other cup of your scald. Santos Mozos! That was a damn good 

455 



cup of scald ! You could trot a mouse on it. I ingoyed your pick 
of hissing hot luncheon fine, I did, thanks awfully, (sublime!). 
Tenderest bully ever I ate with the boiled protestants (allinoilia 
allinoilia!) only for your peas again was a taste tooth psalty to 
carry flavour with my godown and hereby return with my best 
savioury condiments and a penny in the plate for the jemes. 
O.K. Oh Kosmos! Ah Ireland! A.I. And for kailkannonkabbis 
gimme Cincinnatis with Italian (but ci vuol poco !) ciccalick cheese. 
Haggis good, haggis strong, haggis never say die! For quid we 
have recipimus, recipe, O lout ! And save that, Oliviero, for thy 
sunny day! Soupmeagre! Couldn't look at it! But if you'll buy me 
yon coat of the vairy furry best, I'll try and pullll it awn mee. It's in 
fairly good order and no doubt 'twill sarve to turn. Remove this 
boardcloth! Next stage, tell the tabler, for a variety of Hugue- 
not ligooms I'll try my set on edges grapeling an aigrydoucks, 
grilled over birchenrods, with a few bloomancowls in albies. 
I want to get outside monasticism. Mass and meat mar no man's 
journey. Eat a missal lest. Nuts for the nerves, a flitch for the flue 
and for to rejoice the chambers of the heart the spirits of the 
spice isles, curry and cinnamon, chutney and cloves. All the vital- 
mines is beginning to sozzle in chewn and the hormonies to 
clingleclangle, fudgem, kates and caps and naboc and erics and 
oinnos on kingclud and xoxxoxo and xooxox xxoxoxxoxxx till 
I'm fustfed like fungstif and very presently from now posthaste 
it's off" yourll see me ryuoll on my usual rounds again to draw 
Terminus Lower and Killadown and Letternoosh, Letterspeak, 
Lettermuck to Littorananima and the roomiest house even in 
Ireland, if you can understamp that, and my next item's platform 
it's how I'll try and collect my extraprofessional postages owing 
to me by Thaddeus Kellyesque Squire, dr, for nondesirable 
printed matter. The Jooks and the Kelly-Cooks have been 
milking turnkeys and sucking the blood out of the marshalsea 
since the act of First Offenders. But I know what I'll do. Great 
pains off" him I'll take and that'll be your redletterday calendar, 
window machree! I'll knock it out of him! I'll stump it out of 
him! I'll rattattatter it out of him before I'll quit the doorstep of 

456 



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old Con Connolly's residence! By the horn of twenty of both of 
the two Saint Collopys, blackmail him I will in arrears or my 
name's not penitent Ferdinand! And it's daily and hourly Fll 
nurse him till he pays me fine fee. Ameal. 

Well, here's looking at ye! If I never leave you biddies till 
my stave is a bar I'd be tempted rigidly to become a passionate 
father. Me hunger's weighed. Hungkung! Me anger's suaged! 
Hangkang! Ye can stop as ye are, little lay mothers, and wait in 
wish and wish in vain till the grame reaper draws nigh, with 
the sickle of the sickles, as a blessing in disguise. Devil a curly 
hair I care! If any lightfoot Clod Dewvale was to hold me up, 
dicksturping me and marauding me of my rights to my onus, yan, 
tyan, tethera, methera, pimp, I'd let him have my best pair of 
galloper's heels in the creamsourer. He will have better manners, 
I'm dished if he won't! Console yourself, drawhure deelish! 
There's a refond of eggsized coming to you out of me so mind 
you do me duty on me! Bruise your bulge below the belt till I 
blewblack beside you. And you'll miss me more as the narrowing 
weeks wing by. Someday duly, oneday truly, twosday newly, 
till whensday. Look for me always at my west and I will think 
to dine. A tear or two in time is all there's toot. And then in a 
click of the clock, toot toot, and doff doff we pop with sinnerettes 
in silkettes lining longroutes for His Diligence Majesty, our 
longdistance laird that likes creation. To whoosh! 

— Meesh, meesh, yes, pet. We were too happy. I knew some- 
thing would happen. I understand but listen, drawher nearest. 
Tizzy intercepted, flushing but flashing from her dove and dart 
eyes as she tactilifully graphed her male corrispondee to flusther 
sweet nunsongs in his quickturned ear, I know, benjamin brother, 
but listen, I want, girls palmassing, to whisper my whish. (She 
like them like us, me and you, had thoud he n'er it would haltin so 
lithe when leased is tacitempust tongue). Of course, engine dear, 
I'm ashamed for my life (I must clear my throttle) over this lost 
moment's gift of memento nosepaper which I'm sorry, my 
precious, is allathome I with grief can call my own but all the 
same, listen, Jaunick, accept this witwee's mite, though a jenny- 

457 



teeny witween piece torn in one place from my hands in second 
place of a linenhall Valentino with my fondest and much left to 
tutor. X.X.X.X. It was heavily bulledicted for young Fr Ml, 
my pettest parriage priest, and you know who between us by 
your friend the pope, forty ways in forty nights, that's the 
beauty of it, look, scene it, ratty. Too perfectly priceless for 
words. And, listen, now do enhance me, oblige my fiancy and 
bear it with you morn till life's e'en and, of course, when never 
you make usage of it, listen, please kindly think galways again 
or again, never forget, of one absendee not sester Maggy. Ahim. 
That's the stupidest little cough. Only be sure you don't catch your 
cold and pass it on to us. And, since levret bounds and larks is 
soaring, don't be all the night. And this. Joke, a sprig of blue 
speedwell just a spell of floralora so you'll mind your veronique. 
Of course, Jer, I know you know who sends it, presents that 
please, mercy, on the face of the waters like that film obote, 
awfly charmig of course, but it doesn't do her justice, apart from 
her cattiness, in the magginbottle. Of course, please too write, 
won't you, and leave your little bag of doubts, inquisitive, be- 
hind you unto your utterly thine, and, thank you, forward it 
back by return pigeon's pneu to the loving in case I couldn't 
think who it was or any funforall happens I'll be so curiose to 
see in the Homesworth breakfast tablotts as I'll know etherways 
by pity bleu if it's good for my system, what exquisite buttons, 
gorgiose, in case I don't hope to soon hear from you. And thanks 
ever so many for the ten and the one with nothing at all on. I will 
tie a knot in my stringamejip to letter you with ray silky paper, 
as I am given now to understand it will be worth my price in 
money one day so don't trouble to ans unless sentby special as 
I am getting his pay and wants for nothing so I can live simply 
and solely for my wonderful kinkless and its loops of loveliness. 
When I throw away my rollets there's rings for all. Flee a girl, 
says it is her colour. So does B and L and as for V! And listen 
to it! Cheveluir! So distant you're always. Bow your boche! 
Absolutely perfect! I will pack my comb and mirror to praxis 
oval owes and artless awes and it will follow you pulpicly 

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as far as come back under all my eyes like my sapphire chap- 
lets of ringarosary I will say for you to the Allmichael and 
solve qui pu while the dovedoves pick my mouthbuds (msch! 
msch!) with nurse Madge, my linkingclass girl, she's a fright, 
poor old dutch, in her sleeptalking when I paint the measles 
on her and mudstuskers to make her a man. We. We. Issy 
done that, I confesh! But you'll love her for her hessians 
and sickly black stockies, cleryng's jumbles, salvadged from 
the wash, isn't it the cat's tonsils! Simply killing, how she 
tidies her hair! I call her Sosy because she's sosiety for me 
and she says sossy while I say sassy and she says will 
you have some more scorns while I say won't you take a few 
more schools and she talks about ithel dear while I simply 
never talk about athel darling; she's but nice for enticing my 
friends and she loves your style considering she breaksin me 
shoes for me when I've arch trouble and she would kiss my 
white arms for me so gratefully but apart from that she's 
terribly nice really, my sister, round the elbow of Erne street 
Lower and I'll be strictly forbidden always and true in my own 
way and private where I will long long to betrue you along with 
one who will so betrue you that not once while I betreu him not 
once well he be betray himself. Can't you understand.'^ O bother, 
I must tell the trouth! My latest lad's loveliletter I am sore I done 
something with. I like him lots coss he never cusses. Pity bon- 
hom. Pip pet. I shouldn't say he's pretty but I'm cocksure he's 
shy. Why I love taking him out when I unletched his cordon 
gate. Ope, Jack, and atem! Obealbe myodorers and he dote so. 
He fell for my lips, for my lisp, for my lewd speaker. I felt for 
his strength, his manhood, his do you mind.'^ There can be no 
candle to hold to it, can there .'^ And, of course, dear professor, I 
understand. You can trust me that thdtigh I change thy name 
though not the letter never while I become engaged with my 
first horsepower, masterthief of hearts, I will give your lovely 
face of mine away, my boyish bob, not for tons of donkeys, to 
my second mate, with the twirlers the engineer of the passio- 
flower (O the wicked untruth! whot a tell! that he has bought 

459 



me in his Wellingtons what you haven't got!), in one of those 
pure clean lupstucks of yours thankfully, Arrah of the passkeys, 
no matter what. You may be certain of that, fluff, now I know 
how to tackle. Lock my mearest next myself. So don't keep me 
now for a good boy for the love of my fragrant saint, you villain, 
peppering with fear, my goodless graceless, or Til first murder 
you but, hvisper, meet me after by next appointment near you 
know Ships just there beside the Ship at the future poor fool's 
circuts of lovemountjoy square to show my disrespects now, let 
me just your Caroline for you, I must really so late. Sweet pig, 
he'll be furious! How he stalks to simself louther and lover, 
immutating aperybally. My prince of the courts who'll beat me 
to love! And I'll be there When who knows where with the 
objects of which I'll knowor forget. We say. Trust us. Our 
game. (For fun!) The Dargle shall run dry the sooner I you 
deny. Whoevery heard of such a think.'^ Till the ulmost of all 
elmoes shall stele our harts asthone! And Mrs A'Mara makes 
it up and befriends with Mrs O'Morum! I will write down all 
your names in my gold pen and ink. Everyday, precious, while 
m'm'ry's leaves are falling deeply on my Jungfraud's Messonge- 
book I will dream telepath posts dulcets on this isinglass stream 
(but don't tell him or I'll be the mort of him !) under the libans 
and the sickamours, the cyprissis and babilonias, where the 
frondoak rushes to the ask and the yewleaves too kisskiss them- 
selves and 'twill carry on my hearz'waves my still waters reflec- 
tions in words over Margrate von Hungaria, her Quaidy ways 
and her Flavin hair, to thee. Jack, ahoy, beyond the boysforus. 
Splesh of hiss splash springs your salmon. Twick twick, twinkle 
twings my twilight as Sarterday afternoon lex leap will smile on 
my fourinhanced twelvemonthsmind. And what's this I was 
going to say, dean.^ O, I understand. Listen, here I'll wait on thee 
till Thingavalla with beautiful do be careful teacakes, more stues- 
ser flavoured than Vanilla and blackcurrant there's a cure in, like 
a born gentleman till you'll resemble me, all the time you're 
awhile way, I swear to you, I will, by Candlemas! And listen, 
joey, don't be ennoyed with me, my old evernew, when, by the 

460 



end of your chapter, you citch water on the wagon for me being 
turned a star I'll dubeurry my two fesces under Pouts Vanisha 
Creme, their way for spilling cream, and, accent, umto extend 
my personnalitey to the latents, I'll boy me for myself only of 
expensive rainproof of pinked elephant's breath grey of the 
loveliest sheerest dearest widowshood over airforce blue I am 
so wild for, my precious once, Hope Bros., Faith Street, Charity 
Corner, as the bee loves her skyhighdeed, for I always had a 
crush on heliotrope since the dusess of yore cycled round the 
Finest Park, and listen. And never mind me laughing at what's 
atever! I was in the nerves but it's my last day. Always about 
this hour, I'm sorry, when our gamings for Bruin and Noselong 
is all oh you tease and afterdoon my lickle pussiness I stheal 
heimlick in my russians from the attraction part with my terri- 
blitall boots calvescatcher Pinchapoppapoff, who is going to be 
a jennyroll, at my nape, drenched, love, with dripping to affec- 
tionate slapmamma but last at night, look, after my golden vio- 
lents wetting in my upperstairs splendidly welluminated with 
such lidlylac curtains wallpapered to match the cat and a fire- 
please keep looking of priceless pearlogs I just want to see will 
he or are all Michales like that, Fll strip straight after devotions 
before his fondstare — and I mean it too, (thy gape to my gazing 
I'll bind and makeleash) and poke stiff under my isonbound with 
my soiedisante chineknees cheeckchubby chambermate for the 
night's foreign males and your name of Shane will come forth 
between my shamefaced whesen with other lipth I nakest open 
my thight when just woken by his toccatootletoo my first morn- 
ing. So now, to thalk thildish, thome, theated with Mag at the 
oilthan we are doing to thay one little player before doing to 
deed. An a tiss to the tassie for lu and for tu! Coach me how to 
tumble, Jaime, and listen, with supreme regards, Juan, in haste, 
warn me which to ah ah ah ah. . . . 

— MEN! Juan responded fullchantedly to her sororal sono- 
rity, imitating himself capitally with his bubbleblown in his 
patapet and his chalished drink now well in hand. (A spilt, see, 
for a split, see see!) Ever gloriously kind! And I truly am 

461 



eucherised to yous. Also sacre pere and maitre d'autel. Well, 
ladies upon gentlermen and toastmaster general, let us, brindising 
brandisong, woo and win womenlong with health to rich vine- 
yards, Erin go Dry ! Amingst the living waters of, the living in 
giving waters of. Tight! Loose! A stiff one for Staffetta mullified 
with creams of hourmony, the coupe that's chill for jacklessjill and 
a filiform dhouche on Doris! Esterelles, be not on your weeping 
what though Shaunathaun is in his fail! To stir up love's young 
fizz I tilt with this bridle's cup champagne, dimming douce from 
her peepair of hideseeks, tightsqueezed on my snowybrusted and 
while my pearlies in their sparkling wisdom are nippling her 
bubblets I swear (and let you swear!) by the bumper round of 
my poor old snaggletooth's solidbowel I ne'er will prove Fm 
untrue to your liking (theare !) so long as my hole looks. Down. 

So gullaby, me poor Isley! But I'm not for forgetting me 
innerman monophone for I'm leaving my darling proxy behind 
for your consolering, lost Dave the Dancekerl, a squamous run- 
away and a dear old man pal of mine too. He will arrive inces- 
santly in the fraction of a crust, who, could he quit doubling and 
stop tippling, he would be the unicorn of his kind. He's the 
mightiest penumbrella I ever flourished on behond the shadow 
of a post! Be sure and link him, me O treasauro, as often as you 
learn provided there's nothing between you but a plain deal 
table only don't encourage him to cry lessontimes over Lepers- 
town. But ..soft! Can't be.'^ Do mailstanes mumble.'^ Lumtum 
lumtum! Now! The froubadour! I fremble! Talk of wolf in a 
stomach by all that's verminous! Eccolo me! The return of 
th'athlate! Who can secede to his success! Isn't Jaunstown, 
Ousterrike, the small place after all.'* I knew I smelt the garlic 
leek! Why, bless me swits, here he its, darling Dave, like 
the catoninelives just in time as if he fell out of space, all 
draped in mufti, coming home to mourn mountains from his 
old continence and not on one foot either or on two feet 
aether but on quinquisecular cycles after his French evolution 
and a blindfold passage by the 4.32 with the pork's pate in his 
suicide paw and the gulls laughing lime on his natural skunk, 

462 



I 



blushing like Pat's pig, begob! He's not too timtom well ashamed 
to carry out onaglibtograbakelly in his showman's sinister the 
testymonicals he gave his twenty annis orf, showing the three 
white feathers, as a home cured emigrant in Paddyouare far be- 
low on our sealevel. Bearer may leave the church, signed, Figura 
Porca, Lictor Magnaffica. He's the sneaking likeness of us, faith, 
me altar's ego in miniature and every Auxonian aimer's ace as 
nasal a Romeo as I am, for ever cracking quips on himself, that 
merry, the jeenjakes, he'd soon arise mother's roses mid bedew- 
ing tears under those wild wet lashes onto anny living girl's 
laftercheeks. That's his little veiniality. And his unpeppeppedi- 
ment. He has novel ideas I know and he's a jarry queer fish be- 
times, I grant you, and cantanberous, the poisoner of his word, 
but lice and all and semicoloured stainedglasses, I'm enormously 
full of that foreigner, I'll say I am ! Got by the one goat, suckled 
by the same nanna, one twitch, one nature makes us oldworld 
kin. We're as thick and thin now as two tubular jawballs. I hate 
him about his patent henesy, plasfh it, yet am I amorist. I love 
him. I love his old portugal's nose. There's the nasturtium for 
ye now that saved manny a poor sinker from water on the grave. 
The diasporation of all pirates and quinconcentrum of a fake like 
Basilius O'Cormacan MacArty.'^ To camiflag he turned his shirt. 
Isn't he after borrowing all before him, making friends with 
everybody red in Rossya, white in Alba and touching every dis- 
tinguished Ourishman he could ever distinguish before or be- 
hind from a Yourishman for the customary halp of a crown and 
peace.^ He is looking aged with his pebbled eyes, and johnnythin 
too, from livicking on pidgins' ifs with puffins' ands, he's been 
slanderising himself, but I pass no remark. Hope he hasn't the 
cholera. Give him an eyot in the farout. Moseses and Noasies, 
how are you.'^ He'd be as snug as Columbsisle Jonas wrocked in 
the belly of the whaves, as quotad before. Bravo, senior chief! 
Famose! Sure there's nobody else in touch anysides to hold a 
chef's cankle to the darling at all for sheer dare with that prison- 
potstill of Spanish breans on him like the knave of trifles! A jolly- 
tan fine demented brick and the prince of goodfilips! Dave 

463 



knows I have the highest of respect of annyone in my oweand 
smooth way for that intellectual debtor (Obbligado!) Mushure 
David R. Crozier. And we're the closest of chems. Mark my use 
of you, cog! Take notice how I yemploy, crib! Be ware as you, 
I foil, coppy! It's a pity he can't see it for I'm terribly nice about 
him. Canwyll y Cymry, the marmade's flamme! A leal of the 
O'Looniys, a Brazel aboo! The most omportent man! Shervos/ 
Ho, be the holy snakes, someone has shaved his rough diamond 
skull for him as clean as Nuntius' piedish! The burnt out 
mesh and the matting and all! Thunderweather, khyber schinker 
escapa sansa pagar! He's the spatton spit, so he is, scaly skin 
and all, with his blackguarded eye and the goatsbeard in 
his buttinghole of Shemuel Tulliver, me grandsourd, the old 
cruxader, when he off with his paudeen! That was to let the 
crowd of the Flu Flux Fans behind him see me proper. Ah, 
he's very thoughtful and sympatrico that way is Brother Intelli- 
gentius, when he's not absintheminded, with his Paris addresse ! 
He is, really. Holdhard till you'll ear him clicking his bull's 
bones! Some toad klakkin! You're welcome back, Wilkins, to 
red berries in the frost! And here's the butter exchange to pfeife 
and dramn ye with a bawlful of the Moulsaybaysse and yunker 
doodler wanked to wall awriting off his phoney. I'm tired hair- 
ing of you. Hat yourself! Give us your dyed dextremity here, 
frother, the Claddagh clasp! I met with dapper dandy and he 
shocked me big the hamd. Where's your watch keeper? You've 
see